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January 2014

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, I went to the doctor, only to find out I can no longer eat chocolate, my favorite food. When I got home, my boyfriend took the chocolate cake I'd been eating from the fridge, sat down in front of me, and ate the whole thing without breaking eye contact. FML

#21025897
162 comments

I agree, your life sucks (55279) - you deserved it (6918)

On 01/12/2014 at 8:00pm - health - by foreveralone - United States (Illinois)

Today, my fiancé texted me, saying he'd been masturbating to pictures of me. I told him that I couldn't wait to get home and take care of him. He replied, "Nah, don't bother, I got this." Now I'm horny and sad. FML

#21022453
108 comments

I agree, your life sucks (63095) - you deserved it (7539)

On 01/09/2014 at 12:59pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Missouri)

Today, my students unanimously agreed, in front of me, that the only reason they take my course is to look at my ass. FML

#21028396
197 comments

I agree, your life sucks (61894) - you deserved it (15086)

On 01/15/2014 at 12:54am - intimacy - by jseid2 - United States (California)

Today, my boyfriend wrote me a long poem that ended with, "Please don't get another mister / I regret I screwed your sister". FML

#21014860
114 comments

I agree, your life sucks (54726) - you deserved it (4497)

On 01/02/2014 at 10:50pm - love - by notakeeper - United States (Florida)

Today, I shut one of my breasts in my car door. FML

#21031414
182 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53108) - you deserved it (9901)

On 01/18/2014 at 1:29am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Colorado)

Today, I took my girlfriend out to a restaurant for her birthday. She had to go to the toilet while there, and when she came back, she was crying. When I asked why, she said "I'm on my period!" and sobbed loudly in front of everyone that we couldn't have birthday sex. FML

#21016986
170 comments

I agree, your life sucks (64117) - you deserved it (6787)

On 01/04/2014 at 8:08pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (Illinois)

Today, when I am asked to do something and I don't do it immediately, my mother threatens to "twerk" in front of my friends. FML

#21014763
94 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46045) - you deserved it (8894)

On 01/02/2014 at 9:52pm - misc - by FMLPLZ (woman) - United States (Wisconsin)

Today, while I was fooling around with my girlfriend, she hurt her hand. It obviously wasn't very serious, so I told her to stop faking it. She responded, "Wanna know what I actually fake? My orgasms." FML

#21031998
130 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38545) - you deserved it (62171)

On 01/18/2014 at 5:55pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (New Jersey)

Today, my boyfriend started whispering "blowjobbbb" into my ear while we were watching a movie. When I asked him what he was doing, he denied ever saying it and claimed it must have been a subliminal message in the movie. FML

#21033101
101 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53865) - you deserved it (8265)

On 01/19/2014 at 6:21pm - intimacy - by Subliminal message (woman) - Switzerland

Today, while driving home, my 3-year-old daughter told me she had to poop. I told her that she would have to wait until we got home. When we got home, she pulled down her pants and shat on the floor, because, "I'm home now." FML

#21040159
102 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48200) - you deserved it (9805)

On 01/25/2014 at 11:29pm - kids - by mom - United States (Texas)

Today, I was in a market in France, and went to ask the seller for some potatoes. I speak fluent French, but I got flustered and instead of saying "pomme de terre", which is the French for potato, I said "pomme de merde". I literally asked for an "apple of shit". FML

Today, my evening was shot to hell when I found my pregnant wife on the floor, sobbing because we'd run out of cheese sticks. FML

#21046394
141 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46626) - you deserved it (8761)

On 01/31/2014 at 5:08pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Minnesota)

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house, and she was tickling me. It got a bit rough, and she fell out of bed and hit the floor. Her parents, thinking we'd been fighting, burst into the room to see her holding her bloody nose. She didn't say anything while her dad kicked my ass. FML

#21019231
173 comments

I agree, your life sucks (59763) - you deserved it (7280)

On 01/06/2014 at 4:32pm - misc - by innocent - Australia



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