Today, I woke up and switched on the TV. The first thing I saw...

By mehdi - 13/10/2008 08:20

Today, I woke up and switched on the TV. The first thing I saw was a picture of a wanted rapist, who looks just like me. I'm afraid to leave home. FML

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Miscellaneous

Proactive

DINOSAURS!!

Headache

By catlover - 20/5/2009 09:07 - Australia

Today, my cat kept sneezing all morning so I took her to the vet. $150 later and the vet says she's fine. I get home and the noise starts up again. My automatic air freshener spray sounds just like my cat sneezing. FML

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By charlieday - 21/9/2009 16:34 - United States

Today, my girlfriend asked if she should get birthcontrol, of course I said yes and offered to pay the 55 dollar fee. She got her physical and pills and then dumped me the next day. I basically paid 55 dollars so that she can sleep with other people. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2014 01:14 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my vegan girlfriend openly admitted that she'd let me die if she had to choose between saving my life or an animal's. She actually seemed confused as to why that upset me. FML

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By Batman - 9/9/2018 23:30

Today, I finished my 83-page thesis for my Stanford class and put it on my desk. Then, as a prank, my girlfriend hid it. She forgot where she put it. The thesis is due in 3 days. FML

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By dudeyouarefired - 20/12/2012 08:16

Today, the highly intoxicated singer of my band decided it would be a wonderful idea to squat down and take a shit on stage in the middle of a gig. FML

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By ash - 18/5/2016 20:00 - United States - Winnebago

Today, I went shopping on my only day off. The only aisle open was self-checkout. I'm a cashier. FML

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By btswc - 21/5/2011 07:18 - United States

Today, I asked my husband, of only a year, why we don't have sex anymore. He said it's because he masturbates. When I asked how often he did it, he replied "Every day that we don't have sex..." FML

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By annoyed - 23/9/2010 09:59 - United States

Today, I went to my parents' place to visit. My ex-boyfriend's photo is on the fridge, but there aren't any photos of my husband or any of our wedding photos. FML

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By not even interested - 15/10/2017 16:00

Today, at a wedding reception, I accidentally caught the bouquet. I got cussed out by the women who were fighting over it for being uninvited and party crashing. I'm a busgirl and the bouquet only landed on the tray I was holding. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2020 08:00

No one likes a smart-ass

Today, I accidentally stumbled on a method of getting my job done in about a third of the time, so my boss made it mandatory for all employees. Unfortunately, my coworkers now can't slack off pretending jobs take 2-3 hours, and their constant petty revenge bullying is driving me mad. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2010 23:24 - United States

Today, my parents held an intervention for me. Apparently they think I'm turning into a goth. All because they saw me re-lacing my shoes with black shoelaces instead of white ones. FML

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By ET - 21/12/2015 23:30 - United States - Glendale

Today, I was at a small secret Santa with a group of friends. Everyone got each other some amazing gifts, the first person got a homemade self portrait, the second person got some professional grade playing cards, the third person got an album of past memories, and I got a pack of pens. FML

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By fuck you, Odin, FUCK YOU - 3/3/2014 22:35 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was finally all set to lose my virginity. My girlfriend pushed me onto the bed and pulled off my underwear. She then made a face as if she'd just sucked on a lemon, and got up and left without a word. I haven't heard from her since. FML

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By tapeissticky591 - 14/7/2012 05:49 - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, I woke up naked, duck taped to the wall with no memory of last night. FML

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By quinndulgent - 29/11/2015 21:10 - United States - West Bend

Today, due to the incompetence and apathy of my lab partners, I have to write a 12-page lab paper by myself. A 12 page lab paper about radishes. Radishes. FML

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By charlieweaver21 - 21/1/2010 22:02 - France

Today, I agreed to meet my ex-girlfriend at our favorite restaurant with my hopes high. She just wanted me to meet her new boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2010 07:48 - Australia

Today, I awkwardly had to comfort my 32 year old friend when he broke down crying in the middle of a crowded McDonald's. Apparently they no longer serve barbecue bacon cheeseburgers. FML

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By Bob - 7/4/2020 02:00

A heads up next time maybe?

Today, when my girlfriend walked out the room, for a laugh, I covered my whole body except my knob in blankets. Then when I heard her come back in, I yelled, "Surprise!" It was her mom, who'd dropped by unannounced. FML

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By crzyry - 23/2/2012 03:49 - Canada

Today, my four-year-old daughter called me by her mom's new boyfriend's name. Three different times. FML

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By thxmom - 4/1/2015 17:25 - United States - West Jordan

Today, I learned that my mother has been telling people that I need anger management. I'm not attending anger management, I'm attending therapy to aid in my recovery from abusive relationships. She doesn't understand the difference or why I find it upsetting. FML

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By shellie - 13/1/2012 07:48 - Reserved

Today, I went to the gynecologist for the first time. I was so nervous that when she extended her hand to shake mine, I gave her my handbag instead. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2019 23:00

Today, my husband argued that it's not cheating if he's using his brother's Facebook account to talk to other women, because they think it's him. FML

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By Aintnosunshine - 31/12/2009 03:48 - France

Today, I attended a speed dating evening. After 7 minutes, the girl told me she wasn't interested. I asked her at what point of the conversation she had made up her mind, she answered: "When you said 'Hello'. Goodbye". FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2009 22:46 - United States

Today, I went swimming with this guy I like at dammed river. While we were jumping off the dam, I decided to try to impress him by doing a front flip. I didn't jump far enough off, so when I went to flip, my face skidded down the concrete wall. FML

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By .... - 17/4/2009 16:49 - United States

Today, I locked my keys in my car. After spending 20 minutes on the phone with AAA, and then waiting a half hour, the guy showed up, he stuck his hand in the drivers side window and asked, "You couldn't just reach in?" I forgot I left the window open. FML

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By valarmorgoolies - 6/2/2015 18:51 - United States - Binghamton

Today, my mom accused me of smoking weed. Truth is, I'd just ripped the quietest and weirdest smelling fart of my life. She wouldn't believe me, accused me of making stupid excuses up, and grounded me. FML

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By JohnyP - 9/7/2011 07:04 - United States

Today, after having my car been broken into the day before because I didn't lock it, I made sure I locked my doors. When I got off shift and entered the parking lot, I noticed a brick had been thrown through my windshield and a note that said, "Nice Try". FML

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By failureparent - 21/3/2011 01:25 - United States

Today, in an attempt to get my son to stop playing Call of Duty, I threw his Xbox controller out the window. He was so desperate, he followed it. His bedroom is on the second floor. My son has 3 broken ribs, and no future. FML

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By traumatized house keeper - 8/9/2017 13:00 - Germany - M?nster

What a jerk!

Today, while cleaning the hostel, I had to make some beds in a dorm room. There were three guys in the room, one of whom was sitting on a bed. He looked me straight in the eye and I gave him a big smile before I realized he was jerking off. FML

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By nerp - 29/3/2016 19:44 - Canada - Toronto

Today, a stranger had a go at me for smoking while pregnant. I'm a guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2013 17:25 - Latvia - Aluksne

Today, two days before I'm due to fly out to Russia on my first vacation, I caught my extremely over-protective mother trying to force the family dog to eat my passport. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/1/2012 04:59 - United States

Today, I was greeting customers at work. After saying good morning to one man, he stopped and looked at me from head to toe before smirking and saying, "Mmmm." He then turned around and said, "It's starting." It's only my first day. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2020 17:23

Class act

Today, after 5 years, an engagement, and me being 5 months pregnant, my boyfriend downloaded Tinder again. 2020 is really great. FML

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By lovegame - 28/6/2014 15:48 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, two months after forgiving my girlfriend for breaking my heart by cheating on me, I found out that she's cheating again with the same guy. When I confronted her, she basically said I brought it on myself and that I was an idiot for not dumping her the first time. FML

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By Oh Cock - 10/10/2015 15:15 - United Kingdom - Watford

Today, I realised just how much my favourite pornstar looks like my sister. FML

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By embarassedmuch - 30/10/2012 04:05 - United States

Today, I bought a new car, and before I left, the dealer offered to help me set up the sync. I agreed, but I really wish I'd remembered that my Bluetooth name is TitsMcGee. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2011 08:09 - Canada

Today, my brother and I drove 3 hours to pick up our puppy. The woman we bought him from said not to put him in the cage for the ride home as he would pee for sure. She recommended I put him on my lap. Not only did he shit on the seat backing out of her driveway, he pissed on me an hour later. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2009 05:12 - United States

Today, I found out that my father asked my best friend to marry him. He's 38 and we're 18. She said yes. FML

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By norestforthewicked - 2/3/2016 20:41 - United States

Today, I had to use a sick day from the school I teach at. While I was off, another teacher called me mid delirium, because my students were borderline rioting over the work I left for them. I'd asked them to read a book and edit the one-page essay they've had two weeks to work on. FML

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By SorrySnowWhite - 21/11/2016 20:13 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I yelled at a new employee for violating the company's makeup policy which is minimum coverage. She had red lipstick, very dark drawn eyebrows, and foundation that made her look like a ghost. She took out a makeup wipe and used it then showed me it, only to reveal she doesn't wear any. FML

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Top comments

By Nsc | 0

#20855 - Sunday 8 March 2009 5:11

You should go outside in a ski mask, then. That's not nearly as suspicious.

By Aviva1313 | 0

#7755 - Thursday 26 February 2009 14:53

Have you been having blackouts?

Comments

By MCart_fml | 0

#1237 - Wednesday 11 February 2009 5:11

That happened to me too once, luckily it was halfway across the state so I felt OK going outdoors, and they caught the guy later that day.

By Lurch420 | 0

#4277 - Friday 20 February 2009 5:02

Damn... just damn...

By Aviva1313 | 0

#7755 - Thursday 26 February 2009 14:53

Have you been having blackouts?

Nandito2 | 0

#1694414 - Saturday 13 November 2010 16:30

Hahahahaha!!

By Nsc | 0

#20855 - Sunday 8 March 2009 5:11

You should go outside in a ski mask, then. That's not nearly as suspicious.

16274692 | 0

#461946 - Thursday 6 August 2009 10:31

win.

TheButler | 0

#654180 - Wednesday 4 November 2009 17:03

ahahahahhaha nice one

analoveshotcoco | 0

#3885116 - Sunday 15 January 2012 1:15

LOL xD

thatnucca | 36

#5638923 - Thursday 22 August 2013 18:28

If it ain't you, flaunt your bad ass doppelganger's face around.

By Holden_Caulfield | 0

#22808 - Monday 9 March 2009 5:22

OMFG. Dwight K. Shrute anyone from The Office?

kitties5 | 0

#939611 - Friday 12 March 2010 17:47

only if there is a mustache drawn on your mirror

Lolita170 | 0

#2116850 - Thursday 24 February 2011 3:57

"Dwight, he's in the women's bathroom, right above the sink!"

steffieee | 0

#2328095 - Monday 11 April 2011 4:11

love<3 lmfao dwight is awesome

By xx_hayleyy | 0

#35829 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 0:33

oh, good advice #9.
haahahahhahahaha!

By Synthetic42 | 0

#36019 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 1:34

I rushed to comment on this to reference the episode of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" where this exact thing happens to one of the characters. Turns out someone already mentioned it. FML.