Miscellaneous: Today, I woke up and switched on the TV. The first thing I saw...

By mehdi

Today, I woke up and switched on the TV. The first thing I saw was a picture of a wanted rapist, who looks just like me. I'm afraid to leave home. FML

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326137

Phew, glad it wasn't me

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Miscellaneous

You can't win

Inappropriate crush

Whackjobs 'R Us

By anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex in the janitor's closet of the pet store where I work. We were really getting into it when we were rudely interrupted by dozens of salamanders crawling up our legs. I had forgotten to lock the cage before we started. FML

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11660

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By fudgydiaper22 - United States

Today, my dad attempted to fix a power outlet. He managed to shock himself with 120 volts and fall backwards, landing on top of me. I am 85 pounds and he weighs 290 pounds. FML

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33061

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By stillchubby - Australia

Today, I was thinking about my new diet and workout plan as I was getting dressed in the morning, feeling much thinner and more energetic. Just as the thought passed through my brain, the button on my skirt popped off. FML

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29894

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By whyme - United States

Today, I walked into the house only to be greeted by the strongest smell of dung. I asked my mom about it, and it turns out she's been airing these strange herbs throughout the house, most of which are in my bedroom. She won't let me open the window. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23658

You deserved it

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By Gay younger brother

About that...

Today, my brother came out to our parents. They weren't super happy with it, but they said that it was ok since they still had a straight son. I don't know how to tell them that I'm gay too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4483

You deserved it

482

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By professorsdaughter - United States - Spokane

Today, my boyfriend once again cancelled a date because he has too much homework. His professor is my dad, who's assigning astronomical amounts of homework to keep us from seeing each other. FML

I agree, your life sucks

61623

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By Sammijane58

Today, I watched my best friend get married. I then watched her completely ignore my maid of honor speech, because she was messing with the lights behind us. FML

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1500

You deserved it

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By tclwj - 6/9/2020 23:01 - Trinidad and Tobago - Port-of-spain

Kids and their wacky crazes

Today, I bought a used SUV that had fairly dirty carpets, that got even more dirty as I drove my 2 daughters around. I got it professionally cleaned and detailed and it looks brand new, but now my daughters cry and scream as I put them in the clean car, because their favorite stain is not there anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1418

You deserved it

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By daddyowl - Canada - Montreal

Today, after 5 months of unemployment and hardcore job searching, I got hired for my dream job. I called my mum to tell her all about it, to which she responded, "Great honey! Now all you need to do is lose all that weight". She allowed me all of 4 minutes of feeling good about myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25855

You deserved it

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By whut - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States

Thanks, I guess

Today, for my Christmas bonus at work, I got a potted plant and some lotion. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30618

You deserved it

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By poolgirl789 - United Kingdom - Bradford

Hands-on

Today, I had to feed an elderly man in the care home in which I work while he was whacking off. Our work policy states that I have to pretend not to notice. FML

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65604

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was at work at a nursing home I was attempting to dress a woman for bed. She popped me a left hook and I had to ask the nurse to look at my jaw. After my nurse said I was okay she asked me to continue getting the woman dressed for bed. She hit me 5 more times. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27468

You deserved it

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By insomnitude - United States

Today, I got mugged by a midget. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41699

You deserved it

13768

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By Scoudrel - 26/2/2021 17:01

Having multiple jobs may have its benefits

Today, I flirted with the cashier at the local bagel joint. I complimented her unique blue hair and got her number. Later on that evening, she served my girlfriend and me our food at a different restaurant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

204

You deserved it

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By Anon - New Zealand

Today, I was fired by one of my bosses for doing something the other boss told me to do. I work for a family company. Turns out my bosses are going through a divorce and will do anything to prove the other wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37701

You deserved it

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By depr3ssed - United States

Today, I realized what all the women I've been with have in common: Craigslist. FML

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8527

You deserved it

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By cheekymonkey97

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend whilst straddled on top of him. He started to undo my bra. I was fine with this but he stopped kissing me and looked at me with a slight smile. He then said, "I know this is going to kill the mood... but I feel like I could milk your boobs right now" FML

I agree, your life sucks

12324

You deserved it

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By scfead - United States

Today, I was walking home when a man passed me and stopped. Thinking he was staring at my butt, I asked him kindly to stop. He then laughed and grabbed my wallet that was in my back pocket, and ran. He wasn't staring at my butt, and found it funny that I thought he was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39301

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I posted a photo on Facebook showing a side-by-side view of me before and after I'd tried out my new makeup. My dad commented, "What is this, Gollum cosplaying an Orc?" My mum, brother, and over 20 "friends" liked his comment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31501

You deserved it

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By meh - Canada

Today, my teacher, who's Irish, called me insensitive and stupid for imitating her accent. I'm Filipino and my parents immigrated to Ireland where I was born, and then we moved to Canada when I was 14. Her response to my explanation? "Bullshit." FML

I agree, your life sucks

42033

You deserved it

3021

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By dancer_2014 - United States

Today, I was on my first blind date. We went to a fancy restaurant in the middle in the city. After using the bathroom, I came back to an empty table. He stole my purse and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42133

You deserved it

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By cacheson

Today, after being single for a year, I finally have a boyfriend. Today, my chronic nightmares also started up again after being gone for a year. Apparently I'm allowed to have either a love life, or sleep. Not both. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3987

You deserved it

318

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By Anonymous - United States - Wentzville

Today, I was pulled over by a police officer because he thought I was skipping school. I'm 24 and we graduated high school together. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39624

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By WTFFAIL - United States

Today, I finished a 50 page term end thesis essay on the history of Russia. Looking over the final requirements once more, I find I made just a tiny little mistake. It was supposed to be a thesis on "Prussia". The paper's due tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32081

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out I'm getting laid off. However, they're keeping my coworker who rarely shows up and sleeps all the time when he's there. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30002

You deserved it

2427

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By PatientInWaiting - United States

Today, I had a conversation with another patient in my gyno's waiting room. It was about her getting pregnant in a truck while passed out drunk, her therapist's frequent use of a "For Dummies" books, and how she had waxed and oiled everything to impress our doctor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23140

You deserved it

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By livinproof

Today, not only did my horse step on my foot & refuse to move, he also took the opportunity to crap on my other foot while I was incapable of moving. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2512

You deserved it

301

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By DirtyCharmed - United States

Today, I'm very ill. My throat and glands are so swollen that whenever I fall asleep, I relax too much and cut off my own air. The doctor said it's a viral infection and there's nothing they can give me, so I can choose between trying to kill myself by sleeping or staying awake for the next few days. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38589

You deserved it

2617

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By katiebird - United States - Durham

Today, my father informed me that I will have no chance of dating a good man if I keep up with these interracial relationships. And that he won't be supporting me through college if I continue this "rebellion." My boyfriend is half black and loves the same music, sports, and movies as my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20507

You deserved it

2013

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By Fml

Today, a co-worker called in sick due to a family emergency. I ended up working an unplanned 12-hour overnight shift. After I clocked out, I dragged myself out to the parking lot to go home. Someone had smeared tacos all over my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4360

You deserved it

198

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that one of my subordinates, who is whiny, incompetent, undermining, the definition of passive-aggressive and stupid, was given a pay raise. She now makes more than me. My boss values a complete moron over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1595

You deserved it

247

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By NextTimeMom'sDriving - Canada - Kelowna

Today, my family and I were on a road trip. Everything was fine until we discovered that my dad, the driver, was not only fast asleep, he was also snoring. We were in the middle of the highway. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51483

You deserved it

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By anonymous

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend of a year because I discovered she had been cheating on me. Her defense was, "It wouldn't be a problem if you were just OK with this." FML

I agree, your life sucks

37766

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was doing photography, and decided to climb onto the roof of a building to photograph the city. I dropped a square of chocolate over the edge just to appreciate the height. Apparently somebody saw me, I was arrested and am now being charged for trespassing and firing missiles. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18040

You deserved it

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By Marie - Canada

Today, I was walking towards a group of guys playing basketball, who stopped and stared at me while saying, "Daaaamn..." As I passed them, one of them said, "She looked hotter from a distance." FML

I agree, your life sucks

37162

You deserved it

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By nirvana_mama157 - United States

Today, my husband asked me, "Why do you love me?" I spent the next five minutes spilling my heart and soul out to him. After I'd asked the same question, he looked me straight in the eye and said, "I don't." FML

I agree, your life sucks

54935

You deserved it

4229

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By babylove - South Africa

Today, I'm in the process of adopting a child. When I called my mom to tell her the news, she just said, "Oh honey, don't adopt, it's the worst decision you'll ever make." I'm adopted. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53043

You deserved it

3338

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By Christine

Today I woke up with an extremely bad flu and severe nausea. As I rolled around wanting to die I remembered that 4 days prior, I had hoped to get a cold to skip a compulsary carol service for my Catholic school. Now, on Christmas Eve, I just want to say, be careful what you wish for. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6255

You deserved it

1692

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2020 17:04 - United States - El Macero

Ding dong

Today, I got an ingrown hair. It wouldn’t be so bad, if it were anywhere other than my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks

822

You deserved it

117

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By ... - France

Today, I was on a train, sitting next to an old man who was reading a newspaper. Suddenly, he sneezed without putting his hands over his nose. Instead of turning towards the window, he turned towards me. FML

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Top comments

By Nsc | 0

#20855 - Sunday 8 March 2009 5:11

You should go outside in a ski mask, then. That's not nearly as suspicious.

By Aviva1313 | 0

#7755 - Thursday 26 February 2009 14:53

Have you been having blackouts?

COMMENTS

By MCart_fml | 0

#1237 - Wednesday 11 February 2009 5:11

That happened to me too once, luckily it was halfway across the state so I felt OK going outdoors, and they caught the guy later that day.

By Lurch420 | 0

#4277 - Friday 20 February 2009 5:02

Damn... just damn...

By Aviva1313 | 0

#7755 - Thursday 26 February 2009 14:53

Have you been having blackouts?

Nandito2 | 0

#1694414 - Saturday 13 November 2010 16:30

Hahahahaha!!

By Nsc | 0

#20855 - Sunday 8 March 2009 5:11

You should go outside in a ski mask, then. That's not nearly as suspicious.

16274692 | 0

#461946 - Thursday 6 August 2009 10:31

win.

TheButler | 0

#654180 - Wednesday 4 November 2009 17:03

ahahahahhaha nice one

analoveshotcoco | 0

#3885116 - Sunday 15 January 2012 1:15

LOL xD

thatnucca | 36

#5638923 - Thursday 22 August 2013 18:28

If it ain't you, flaunt your bad ass doppelganger's face around.

By Holden_Caulfield | 0

#22808 - Monday 9 March 2009 5:22

OMFG. Dwight K. Shrute anyone from The Office?

kitties5 | 0

#939611 - Friday 12 March 2010 17:47

only if there is a mustache drawn on your mirror

Lolita170 | 0

#2116850 - Thursday 24 February 2011 3:57

"Dwight, he's in the women's bathroom, right above the sink!"

steffieee | 0

#2328095 - Monday 11 April 2011 4:11

love<3 lmfao dwight is awesome

By xx_hayleyy | 0

#35829 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 0:33

oh, good advice #9.
haahahahhahahaha!

By Synthetic42 | 0

#36019 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 1:34

I rushed to comment on this to reference the episode of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" where this exact thing happens to one of the characters. Turns out someone already mentioned it. FML.