Miscellaneous: Today, I woke up and switched on the TV. The first thing I saw... - FML

By mehdi - 13/10/2008 08:20

Today, I woke up and switched on the TV. The first thing I saw was a picture of a wanted rapist, who looks just like me. I'm afraid to leave home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 326 405

You deserved it 33 685

Late term

Dysfunctional

But was he cute though?

Oh lawd, he comin'

By logkitty - 10/04/2012 04:35 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was sitting in my car outside my apartment complex when a man came around the corner holding something shiny, and I thought was a gun. Thinking I was about to get robbed at gunpoint, I bugged out and threw up. It was a silver watering can. He asked if I was okay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 528

You deserved it 12 776

By Anonymous - 04/08/2009 00:25 - United States

Today, I was woken up by a loud noise, which I thought was an earthquake. It sounded like a car had driven right into my living room. Which was exactly what it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 229

You deserved it 2 663

By Fraser - 08/03/2012 19:03 - Canada

Spicy

Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 160

You deserved it 56 389

By tammyg - 11/02/2010 18:42 - United States

Today, I took Ambien for the first time. Not only did I not fall asleep, but I took my mother through a list of all the men I've slept with. I do not remember a thing, but apparently I was very thorough. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 402

You deserved it 6 256

By dammit33 - 28/05/2012 13:55 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I got a $20 tip from an old lady I delivered pizza to. Ecstatic, I walked back to my car where there was a $30 parking fine waiting for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 716

You deserved it 8 879

By bojangles - 28/02/2009 00:34 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that I don't like his facial hair and that he should shave it off. He replied, "You first." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 227

You deserved it 47 828

By bobin - 29/08/2011 17:17 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend kept falling asleep while he was at my house with me. I tried to have sex with him to help wake him up, but he said he was too tired and fell back asleep. Five minutes later, my friend walks in the room with food. He woke up from the smell and got up to get some for himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 173

You deserved it 6 262

By JN5SLK - 08/11/2013 22:29 - United States - Salt Lake City

Spicy

Today, I walked into my dorm room, only to witness my roommate shaving her vag over my trashcan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 935

You deserved it 4 615

By buckid310 - 03/11/2009 21:17 - United States

Spicy

Today, a woman evidently posted on a chat website asking for any young men to send pictures of their junk to her cell phone. Over 60 messages were sent, mostly by underage boys, most of them including the picture. Only problem. The number posted wasn't hers... It was mine. I'm a 21 year old guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 834

You deserved it 2 639

By kenabrookee - 03/04/2013 05:48 - United States - Northridge

Today, I met my boyfriend's family for the first time. We got on the subject of theatre, and his dad brought up "The Book of Mormon", how finally someone was making fun of those "nasty, polygamist, cultist freaks", and if his son ever dated one, he would disown him. I'm Mormon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 910

You deserved it 14 708

By what have i done with my life - 21/07/2013 17:46 - United States - Akron

Today, I jokingly told my friend that when a tree seems to sway in the wind, it's really just having an orgasm. Not only did she believe me, she's been smugly informing everyone we know. She's 26. I seem to be friends with an absolute idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 563

You deserved it 5 990

By Lonely At Griffith - 17/06/2019 13:02

Today, well into my second year at university, I still haven't made a single friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 856

You deserved it 282

By Anonymous - 07/01/2019 14:00

Today, after many, many years of desperate bodily insecurity and therapy, I woke up next to the man of my dreams, who told me the sex was wonderful. Apparently, gin plays wonders with my memory. I don't remember a thing. And that was my first time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 507

You deserved it 836

By purplefuzz - 19/02/2016 23:34 - United States - Savannah

Today, my grandma posted an embarrassing childhood photo on my school's events page. I told her everyone could see it, and asked if she could take it down. She freaked and commented on it, apologizing for posting it. Now I feel guilty for embarrassing her, and it's still on the page. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 287

You deserved it 2 566

By Username - 07/06/2011 12:10 - Australia

Today, my Facebook was hacked. The hacker messaged all my online friends, explaining that "I" was overseas, had run out of money and needed help. Not one person cared enough to respond. I guess the hacker picked the wrong target. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 627

You deserved it 4 914

Panic!

By Bleach dat Blood - 20/07/2015 03:02

Today, I woke to find a pool of my own blood all over my pillow. Frantic to find the source of the blood, I rushed into the bathroom and tripped over my too-long pajama pants. Crashing to the floor face first, I broke my nose. Turns out I had just bitten my lip in the middle of the night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 043

You deserved it 3 781

Nice, thanks

By Anonymous - 17/05/2009 04:33 - United States

Today, a little girl came up to me and said, "Hi, my name is Lindsey, let's be friends!" I thought she was cute, so I played along and said, "OK! My name is Jen!" Her reply was, "Wait, nevermind, I don't want to be friends anymore. You smell funny." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 601

You deserved it 13 312

By nodullmoment - 26/04/2013 03:01 - United States - Lafayette

Today, I got home and noticed people were looking at my next-door neighbor's house that is for rent. Peering closer, I realized my ex-boyfriend and the girl he cheated on me with a few months ago are inside. After they left, the "for rent" sign came down. I've got new neighbors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 053

You deserved it 3 235

By anon - 25/12/2014 20:20 - United States - Irwin

Today, a very drunk woman at the family Christmas party told me she felt terrible that I don't have a mother who cares about me. She is my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 147

You deserved it 2 491

By Petridishoflove - 20/01/2009 06:12 - Hong Kong

Today, I put my paint brush into my cup of tea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 529

You deserved it 22 823

Stop talking, stop talking now

By Username - 17/07/2011 15:21 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had to endure a long story about how and why my brother shaves his pubes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 632

You deserved it 4 833

By skitzobiatch69 - 13/09/2011 17:07 - Australia

Today, after being cut out of the car, on the way to hospital in the ambulance, we were involved in another accident. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 560

You deserved it 2 372

By Anonymous - 26/07/2013 07:06 - United States - Warren

Today, my mother and I were discussing how we couldn't believe it's been nearly a year since my dad died. Not paying attention, my husband absentmindedly added, "Time flies when you're having fun." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 763

You deserved it 3 615

Same

By Anonymous - 08/01/2015 14:24 - Estonia - Tallinn

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend told me that he gets more pleasure out of using a Q-tip than he does having sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 850

You deserved it 6 050

Shackled

By Merserve - 09/07/2020 02:00

Today, I went over to confront my parents about how my siblings always get to visit and all I do when I’m over is work on their house or take care of grandma. My mom was very upset. Then she snuck out with my sister, leaving me to take care of grandma until she got back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 690

You deserved it 125

Run, run now

By Anonymous - 30/09/2021 23:00 - United States - Laveen

Today, my husband controls every part of my life and has done so for the last 10 years and I'm too much of a pussy to leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 881

You deserved it 386

Deception

By Anonymous - 08/03/2021 01:59

Today, I found out my husband was faking his leg injury. I caught him out and about walking just fine, hand in hand with another woman. I’ve been caring for him, holding down the bills and taking him to a "at home" chiropractor for the past 7 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 435

You deserved it 64

By Anonymous - 28/12/2012 15:14 - Canada - Montreal

Today, I woke up with an engagement ring on my left hand. The same one I refused last month. My boyfriend apparently waited for me to be drunk to propose again last night, and has already posted the pics on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 437

You deserved it 15 988

Body shaming ain't cool

By grotesque sexy - 05/10/2020 02:02 - United States - Portland

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend refused to have sex with me because I have ass acne. The reason I have ass acne is from working out to lose weight. I was trying to lose weight because he wouldn't have sex with me because I was too fat. I can't win. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 795

You deserved it 482

By Anonymous - 02/12/2010 05:43 - United States

Spicy

Today, as I was walking into my apartment building, a douchebag leaned out his truck window and yelled, "HOW MUCH FOR A BJ?" He then pulled into a spot near my car. Apparently I have a charming new neighbor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 451

You deserved it 2 888

By clapping_for_you - 14/12/2018 12:30

Today, in a private discussion, my teenage son confessed to me he finally lost his virginity several weeks ago. Why did he confess? He came to me to ask why it all of a sudden hurts when he pees, and asked if it could have anything to do with it... FML...

I agree, your life sucks 3 151

You deserved it 374

By ProneToBlondeMoments - 05/10/2009 23:25 - United Kingdom

Today, I was just about to do an important presentation in front of my boss and co-workers. When, without warning I tripped in front of everyone and knocked a VERY expensive computer off the table. How do I know it was so expensive? I'm paying for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 249

You deserved it 5 109

By lifesucks - 24/02/2009 19:21 - United States

Today, I walked into work after being completly wasted last night. I was sitting in a meeting when all of a sudden the presenter had gotten an e-mail saying "crazy girl dances on tables at local bar". So obviously everyone wanted to watch it. That crazy girl was me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 928

You deserved it 50 138

By Anonymous - 24/09/2013 07:23 - United States - Lincoln

Today, I asked my dad why he only has pictures of me from when I was a little kid. Without skipping a beat, he said, "I only keep pictures from when I liked you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 123

You deserved it 2 347

By Anonymous - 11/01/2011 17:09 - United States

Today, my entire family of five is sharing one roll of toilet paper. My parents refuse to buy any, because my father can get it free from his work. He's forgotten to bring any home every day without fail for the past seven days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 423

You deserved it 3 383

By ProtoBird - 14/04/2016 04:11 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, I got hit so hard in the head by a dodgeball that a contact popped right out. To make matters worse, I continued to get hit as a futilely searched for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 787

You deserved it 1 563

By Anonymous - 28/02/2015 14:16 - Denmark - N?rresundby

Today, I sharted during my wedding vows. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 610

You deserved it 5 107

Not now, Yoda

By iwassoclose - 10/04/2013 16:32 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend, and I told him I was close to having an orgasm. He smirked and started talking like Yoda, saying, "Strong with the cum, this one is." Orgasm gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 608

You deserved it 8 772

By Rash - 06/12/2011 16:54 - United States

Today, I got kicked in the crotch by a horse in my backyard. I don't own a horse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 847

You deserved it 3 226

By undanya__four - 10/04/2015 20:19 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, my boyfriend told me he's prepared to commit to marriage, but only if I buy my own ring and tell everyone he surprised me with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 084

You deserved it 3 676

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Sunday 8 March 2009 5:11

You should go outside in a ski mask, then. That's not nearly as suspicious.

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Thursday 26 February 2009 14:53

Have you been having blackouts?

Comments

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Wednesday 11 February 2009 5:11

That happened to me too once, luckily it was halfway across the state so I felt OK going outdoors, and they caught the guy later that day.

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Friday 20 February 2009 5:02

Damn... just damn...

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Thursday 26 February 2009 14:53

Have you been having blackouts?

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Saturday 13 November 2010 16:30

Hahahahaha!!

Nsc 0

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Sunday 8 March 2009 5:11

You should go outside in a ski mask, then. That's not nearly as suspicious.

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Thursday 6 August 2009 10:31

win.

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Wednesday 4 November 2009 17:03

ahahahahhaha nice one

analoveshotcoco 0

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Sunday 15 January 2012 1:15

LOL xD

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Thursday 22 August 2013 18:28

If it ain't you, flaunt your bad ass doppelganger's face around.

Holden_Caulfield 0

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Monday 9 March 2009 5:22

OMFG. Dwight K. Shrute anyone from The Office?

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Friday 12 March 2010 17:47

only if there is a mustache drawn on your mirror

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Thursday 24 February 2011 3:57

"Dwight, he's in the women's bathroom, right above the sink!"

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Monday 11 April 2011 4:11

love<3 lmfao dwight is awesome

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Tuesday 17 March 2009 0:33

oh, good advice #9. haahahahhahahaha!

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Tuesday 17 March 2009 1:34

I rushed to comment on this to reference the episode of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" where this exact thing happens to one of the characters. Turns out someone already mentioned it. FML.

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Monday 14 June 2010 16:52

ha! fml on fml action anyone?

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Saturday 17 July 2010 3:38

no

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Tuesday 1 March 2011 13:03

more like fml on fml on fml? I have school testing this week fml...

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Friday 19 April 2013 19:27

I just did (or almost, rather) the exact same thing.

brookside2112 0

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Thursday 19 March 2009 17:59

wow

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Friday 20 March 2009 4:58

10 you just reminded me to watch the office. Thats pretty funny i'd be bragging to all my friends

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Saturday 21 March 2009 4:12

xD bahaha!! What did YOU do last night?!

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 836

You deserved it 111

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 210

You deserved it 292