Food, the best funniest jokes

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Today, I got an unexpected freebie for breakfast: I took my coffee and a plate of food up to my room. By the time I got there, some fairy had topped the food with a generous serving of animal hair. Gee, thanks. FML

By Anonymous - 5/5/2021 11:01

Yummy

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Today, my parents took me out to eat. When the bill came, they stared at me for a while before asking, “Aren’t you gonna pay?” They've never made me pay before, there was no indication that I’d have to pay this time, and I’d left my wallet at home. FML

By kaitlyn is here - 27/4/2021 05:01

Cough it up

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Today, I'm recovering from a fall down the basement steps. I was carrying a casserole down to the fridge we have in the basement. I tripped, crashed at the bottom and broke my arm. Our dog came running down to investigate, completely ignored me, and just started eating the casserole off the floor. FML

By Anonymous - 24/4/2021 14:01

Thanks, Shep

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Today, I ordered some food and included a slice of cheesecake. However, I think they glued the Tupperware lid together and I didn't actually want to launch the cheesecake into the air when I finally got it open. FML

By Steven Haga - 23/4/2021 04:00 - United States - Milwaukee

Messy situation

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Today, I lovingly simmered a chicken carcass, vegetables and spices to make soup. Two hours it took. After all that, I mindlessly strained out the chicken bones and let the soup pour straight down the sink. FML

By Anonymous - 19/4/2021 05:30 - Australia - Ballarat

Classic brain fart

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Today, a customer yelled at me because I wouldn’t sell her a boneless chicken bucket with extra fries, beans, coleslaw and Pepsi. I work at Subway. FML

By Anonymous - 15/4/2021 08:00

That's no excuse

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Today, I asked my 18 year-old daughter to buy half a dozen donuts. When she brought them over, I opened the box and discovered the dozen donuts were all cut in half. She just got accepted into a prestigious private university. FML

By Anonymous - 13/4/2021 23:00

They'll have anyone these days

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Today, I was waitressing at the diner and a guy ordered two eggs, one scrambled and one poached. He hurled his plate at me angrily because they "scrambled the egg he wanted poached and poached the egg he wanted scrambled." He stormed out without paying. FML

By Falcka - 12/4/2021 04:59

The client is always right

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Today, I felt like cheating on my diet and ordered a pizza. My mom and my sister were napping, so I put in the delivery notes, “Please don’t knock.” The delivery guy knocked anyway. LOUD. My mom and sister got up and saw everything. FML

By Anonymous - 11/4/2021 08:00

Busted

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Today, after ordering at a restaurant, the waitress suddenly began acting like a bitch to me, for no apparent reason. I later found out why: most people who order that particular meal tend to argue and whine about the price. I wasn’t going to. FML

By halofever82 - 10/4/2021 08:00

Preemptive strike

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Today, I dropped some food on the floor and picked it back up, took a bite, and quickly realised it had toenail cuttings in it. I never cut my toenails in my dining room. FML

By Anonymous - 7/4/2021 04:00 - United Kingdom

Spice

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Today, my boyfriend promised me to cook dinner if I picked him up from work, almost 100 km and 2-hour drive. I did this even though I worked the night shift yesterday and had to today and normally have to sleep a lot. But no, after we got home, he fell asleep and was still sleeping and snoring when I had to go. FML

By IHateMyLife - 6/4/2021 00:30

Promises, promises

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Today, my mom yelled at me in the store so loudly and for so long, a crowd began to form. The reason? I didn’t know how much milk we had left at home. I don’t drink milk. FML

By sadie - 1/4/2021 23:00

Overreaction

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Today, I went to get a banana for breakfast and said to my mom, with whom I currently live at age 32 because of Covid, that I don't normally eat bananas, but it looked good. She looked at me and said, "You clearly need to get yourself a man." She's right, but jeez! Thanks mom. FML

By Anonymous - 30/3/2021 15:30 - Canada - Kamloops

Breakfast innuendo

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Today, I have been trying for 5 days to gain weight. Which for me, requires stuffing myself to the point of exploding. I haven’t slept in days because I'm constantly digesting food. FML

By Hannah - 27/3/2021 05:01

Size zero

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Today, my housemate, who never cleans, cooked tacos, then left her dishes for the rest of the evening. When shown a bowl of murky water in the sink, she denied it was hers, prompting my vegetarian housemate to clean it. Putting her hand in the bowl, she found a lump of raw taco meat. Yum. FML

By Anonymous - 24/3/2021 17:00

Our house, is a very very very fine house

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Today, I was messaging a new friend when she mentioned her dad was cooking dinner that night. I jokingly texted, “Oh no! I’m sorry!” Turns out her dad is a professional chef. FML

By dads can’t cook? - 17/3/2021 21:30

Assumptions part 27674

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Today, my daughter left a plate of food in her room for two hours. When I yelled at her about ants, her response was, "But I thought it took DAYS for ants to show up!" I raised this dumbass. FML

By mother of a complete idiot - 16/3/2021 21:30

Smart

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Today, I had sex for the first time. I realised that I was more satisfied by last night's dinner. FML

By Anonymous - 13/3/2021 23:30 - United Kingdom - Gloucester

First time

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Today, I ordered a large stuffed crust supreme pizza for myself. When I picked it up, I asked for extra plates and napkins so the cashier wouldn't know I don't have any friends. FML

By Anonymous - 11/3/2021 16:30 - United States - Enterprise

Classic

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Today, my mom told me she’d never forgive me for eating her birthday candy. I ate it in my sleep. FML

By sierra - 11/3/2021 02:02

The sleepwalkers are at it again!

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Today, I decided to make an almighty breakfast of fried eggs and bacon. I couldn't find anything to flip the eggs with so I used a red spatula that my sister handed me. As I was finishing a delicious fry up, my mom came downstairs and asked me why the cat litter scoop was resting in the frying pan. FML

By shit flavored eggs - 9/3/2021 00:30

Breakfast time!

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Today, after years of struggling with acne, I found out that it's caused by all the bacon I eat. FML

By Imnotfromhere - 28/2/2021 21:30

Le Epic Bacon

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Today, I flirted with the cashier at the local bagel joint. I complimented her unique blue hair and got her number. Later on that evening, she served my girlfriend and me our food at a different restaurant. FML

By Scoudrel - 26/2/2021 17:01

Having multiple jobs may have its benefits

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Today, I found out that I eat candy in my sleep. For two months I've been dieting because of my weight and high risk of diabetes. I now know why nothing has changed. FML

By SleepEat - 25/2/2021 21:30

Hmmm, candy

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Today, despite being utterly depressed, I thawed 7 kilos of raw meat, in order to put it through the meat grinder. Not only did my mom forget to clean certain parts of the meat grinder after last using it, she also seems to have lost another part, without which the machine doesn't work. FML

By Anonymous - 21/2/2021 07:58

Too much meat on my hands

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Today, at work as a manager at pizza place, I got yelled by a customer because they got one fewer paper plates than they asked for. FML

By Anonymous - 17/2/2021 08:01

Karen strikes again

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Today, I went to the Asian Grocery. I politely smiled, bellowed, “Hello!” and kind of waved to the cashier as I walked in, to which he gave me a blank, scared-for-his-life kinda look. Turns out he was actually just another customer. FML

By lukey101 - 14/2/2021 18:30 - Australia

Casual something

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Today, I poured myself a glass of Coke from the bottle in the fridge. While drinking it, I saw tiny pieces floating in it. Apparently, my boyfriend had drunk straight from the bottle in the morning, felt sick and threw up. He then put the bottle back in the fridge. I just drank my boyfriend's vomit. FML

By Anonymous - 11/2/2021 14:01

Sharing is caring

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