Intimacy: Today, my husband of 9 years announced he was gay. He insinuated...

By jilted - United States

Today, my husband of 9 years announced he was gay. He insinuated that he was only able to achieve erections because I looked like a man. FML

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Intimacy

Mother of the year

Our house, in the middle of our street

Abuse

Handjob

Today, I heard my boyfriend masturbate next to me and then relieves himself on my bed sheets. FML

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By promoted - Australia

Today, my boss quit his job and stopped coming in without warning. Guess who just inherited his tasks and responsibilities without the training or pay associated with his manager role. I was hired last year as a junior system admin. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a call from the Hollister manager yelling at me for not showing up for work that night. I was never informed I got the job. I missed my first day of work. FML

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By PrincessOhNo - United States - Bronx

Today, I dyed my hair back to pastel pink, which it hasn't been in over a year. It goes well with my skin and I was super excited about it so I decided to Snapchat my friend about it. Her response? "You were thinner last time your hair looked like that." FML

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By Allie - United States

Today, I was texting my crush. I tried to say, "I need a nap," but my iPhone changed it to "I need anal." I sent it. FML

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By JD - United States

Today, while I was making love to my wife, she looks up and says, "I'll paint the ceiling white." FML

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By purpledp12 - United States

Today, I was eating in the food court at the mall by myself but then a cute guy from my school offers to sit by me, I say yes of course, he then asks me for a french fry. Later on I realize he has eaten half my meal. He only wanted to sit by me for my food. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sparta

Today, I went to the Doctor's for a mole my husband had said was, "growing and changing color". It turned out to be a wood tick. My husband knew, but said it was too "icky" to take off himself. FML

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By onlyolivia - United States - Elkridge

Today, I finally got the courage to ask my boss why the flowers I got her for her birthday the other day were in the conference room and not her office. She told me she was allergic to them and she had such a bad reaction that it made her go home early. I made my boss sick on her birthday. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boyfriend crashed our car into the car ahead. He was trying to pull away from the traffic lights faster than the person next to us, a ten-year-old kid on a bicycle. FML

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By Birthday girl - United States - Wahpeton

Today, was my birthday. Today was also the day that my mom's cat died four years ago. She was too busy crying and looking at old photos of her beloved cat to even wish me a happy birthday. FML

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By Locked Out - United States

Today, after coming home from school, I found that two birds have made a nest above the porch light. This wouldn't be a problem if they stopped attacking me every time I get within 5 feet of them. FML

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By daddyrobyn - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, I met an important figure in my line of work who also happens to know my dad, Alan. Upon meeting said person, I let my social anxiety get the best of me and I greeted him by saying, "Hi! I'm your Alan!" FML

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By Lola

Today, my boyfriend bought us three kittens. Today, I also discovered that I am allergic to cats. My boyfriend broke up with me because he wanted the cats more than me. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I handed out 30 resumes only to find out, after the last resume was handed out, my brother had changed the last sentence of every paragraph to 'I am a massive douche bag.' FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bemidji

Today, I tried to lift my girlfriend and spin her around like in a Rom-Com. I started the spin, then heard a pop. The pain caused me to yelp and fall to the floor, dropping her on top of me. I dislocated my kneecap trying to be romantic. She only weighs about 90 lbs. FML

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By KingUrge - United States - Victorville

Today, as I was walking down the street, a car full of hot girls pulled up and asked if I wanted to party; obviously, I said yes. They then shot at me with party poppers and threw party food all over me. FML

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By CambodianAsshole - United States - Placentia

Today, I opened my Christmas present from my parents. I got a road-side assistance package. I don't own a vehicle, and I don't even have a driver's license. FML

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By shh - United States - Scottsdale

Today, during dinner with my wife's family, my daughter suddenly yelled, "DADDY TICKLES MOMMY'S BUM BUM!" I don't think I've ever received dirtier glares in my life. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that the gap between the elevator and the 6th floor landing of my apartment building is approximately one key's width wide. FML

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By Anonymous

This is why we can't have nice things.

Today, my husband brought home a machete. In the process of showing me a trick he learned, he managed to slice a nice big hole in our brand new very expensive sectional. FML

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By FunGhoost - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up to a phone with most of my female contacts missing. I think I'm dating a psycho. FML

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By sunboy52 - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. We got on the discussion of animals, and I showed them a picture of my cat on my phone. Being a touchscreen, when her father grabbed it, it changed picture. To a picture of my girlfriend, fully nude. FML

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By dumass - United States - Columbus

Today, the day before my wife and I leave for our 1 year anniversary trip, I realized my passport expires in 2014, not 2015. Instead of a week's stay at an all-inclusive resort in the Dominican Republic, we'll be spending three days in Louisville. Three angry days in Louisville. FML

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By kinky pinky - 2/9/2020 05:02 - United States

Lowkey

Today, my husband threw a fit because I dyed my hair bright magenta. Funny, I actually dyed it three days ago. He literally just noticed. Shows how much attention he pays me. FML

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By porn daddy

Today, my drunk dad went off on a tangent about his porn watching habits to the whole family. FML

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By Not Homeless - United States - Montclair

Today, as I was riding my bike home from school, I saw a homeless man sitting on a bench. I was about to walk up to him and give him money, but before I could do anything my mother walked up and kissed him. My mom is dating this guy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a man tried to rob the winery I worked at by knife-point. I managed to scare him off by throwing a bottle of wine at him. My boss fired me because I broke a $25 bottle of wine. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I went to write "Happy Bday, I Love You" on my girlfriend's car windows to surprise her when she woke up. I was the one who got the surprise when I saw her, in her backseat, having sex. FML

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By Ugh - United Kingdom

Today, my 20-year-old daughter staggered into my room at two in the morning, drunker than I ever thought a person could be, screaming for me to make pancakes for her. FML

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By facepalm - Singapore

Today, my husband was fired for chatting online for the third time in a month during office hours. Who was he chatting with? Me, telling him to get off the chat programme so he wouldn't lose his job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, I finally scored a goal in a soccer game. Too bad it was in our own net. FML

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By samadams42 - United States

Today, my mom said she wanted me to get laser eye surgery before she did, "Just in case it isn't safe." FML

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By CatLitterLover - United States

Today, I dropped my Xanax. It wasn't until after I washed it down with some water that I realized it was still on the floor and I had actually swallowed a pebble of cat litter. FML

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By thankyouforcalling - United States - Bremerton

Today, the phone lines at work have been cutting out in the middle of calls. I'm a receptionist at an animal hospital. I now have less than two minutes to figure out what's wrong with a client's pet and how best to schedule them before I become "That rude bitch who hung up on me." FML

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By Rach

Today, I didn't put any makeup on my acne-ridden and newly sun-burnt face. Today was also the first time I've ever run into my crush outside of work, all while trying to parallel park in a car that hasn't been washed in 6 months. I hit the car behind me. FML

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By technologyfail - United States

Today, I discovered a bunch of emails from my old account that weren't forwarded to my new one. Because of this, I missed a job offer and all the emails from my long distance boyfriend asking if he could visit. I still don't have a job and I broke up with him because he "failed to communicate." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mission

Today, my boyfriend gave me the painting he had been working on. It was a heart with wings, my name, and the date we started dating. We have been dating for almost a year and a half. He misspelled my name. FML

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By NotFunny - United States

Today, I missed my bus by a minute. I called up my step dad asking him if he can drive me because I had a test first period. After about calling him twenty times, and him not picking up, I see him drive by the bus stop pointing at me and laughing hysterically. FML

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By Steph - Bulgaria

Today, I realized how much I hate my apartment. Not only can I hear my creepy upstairs neighbor having sex with random hookers every few night, I can also hear him everytime he takes a shit. I honestly don't know which is worse. FML

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Top comments

By Nicole Buchko | 3

#7511436 - Saturday 29 July 2017 3:08

Just checking in...Hope the past 8 years have proven better!

By cable | 6

#7663342 - Thursday 19 July 2018 4:22

did you forget to trim your mustache?

COMMENTS

By Hippo_Holiday | 19

#7469661 - Tuesday 13 June 2017 12:22

*awkward cough*

By ArbiterOfFML | 24

#7479924 - Tuesday 4 July 2017 23:56

FYL, op was there any signs of homosexuality?

By Nicole Buchko | 3

#7511436 - Saturday 29 July 2017 3:08

Just checking in...Hope the past 8 years have proven better!

By cable | 6

#7663342 - Thursday 19 July 2018 4:22

did you forget to trim your mustache?