Today, my husband of 9 years announced he was gay. He insinuated...

By jilted - United States

Today, my husband of 9 years announced he was gay. He insinuated that he was only able to achieve erections because I looked like a man. FML

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Intimacy

Always ask for documentation

Not gonna happen

No smoking

By dwaggle - United States

Today, my wife tried to catch the bouquet at my sister's wedding. Afterward I informed her that only single women were supposed to do that, and she replied "I know". My wife told me that she was divorcing me at my sister's wedding. FML

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By Peggy Peggerson - 9/10/2020 02:03 - United States

It's the new craze!

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I’d feel comfortable pegging him. I had no idea what that meant, so I had to look it up. I tried to keep an open mind but it was just too far outside my comfort zone. Now he’s sulking and complaining about me being a prude. FML

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By anon - United States - Dublin

Today, I walked into my mother's house to find that she had knitted clothes for some of the household appliances. The toaster was wearing a dress. FML

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By dumbass stereotypes - 25/3/2020 20:00

The Gordon Ramsey of Racism

Today, I was chatting with a guy on a dating site. He accused me of being a liar and trying to catfish him after I told him I like my steak medium-rare. According to him, that can’t possibly be true because black people only eat their steaks well done. No exceptions. What an idiot. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to explain to my Romanian colleague that, no, a cat flap is not a euphemism for a vagina. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I noticed a spot of water on the floor. I thought my cats had spilled a cup of water and didn't worry about it. I went to a meeting and when I came back, my entire apartment was flooded with 3 inches of water. FML

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, I was naked, still deciding what to wear, when the doorbell rang. I grabbed the closest thing to cover up with: my Snuggie. I answered the door, it was kids asking for donations. Without thinking, I turned around to grab my purse. FML

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By happybride

Today, my wedding limo driver got high and forgot to pick us up, so the photographers gave us a ride back to the venue from the photo shoot. Three bridesmaids, a flower girl, and I, in my full wedding dress, had to fit in the back of the 1997 Toyota Camry. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I stretched out my wedding dress on my bed so it could air out before the big day tomorrow. Later I returned to my room only to find my cat on my wedding dress, it peed on it. FML

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By GirlfriendsAreBadForYourBack - United States - Lynbrook

Today, I was feeling down because I always think that I'm overweight. My boyfriend tried to prove me wrong by lifting me up. I threw his back out. FML

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By iscreamforicecream - United States

Today, while I was sleeping, my girlfriend took my phone and set the ringtone to a bloodcurdling scream. I found this out when I received a call while driving to work and, thinking someone was being murdered in my backseat, I panicked and swerved into a parked car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my writing teacher entered in one of my paper grades wrong. After many emails, she said she can't change my grade unless I fax her the original. I need that grade fixed so I can keep my scholarship. I can’t find the paper anywhere. That one paper could cost me $30,000. FML

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By razzmataz - United States

Today, I was discussing my family heritage with my girlfriend's parents. The moment I told them that I came from a German background, her seven-year-old brother pointed at me and yelled, "HITLER!" FML

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By PissOffPottermore - United States - Oak Lawn

Today, I was called into my son's school because he had got into a fist-fight with another pupil and I had to take him home. He clammed up about the reason behind the fight, until I finally managed to coax it out of him: the other kid is in "Hufflepuff" and he's in "Ravenclaw." FML

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By ohgawd - United States

Today, my sister asked me to explain where to put a tampon. I realized near the end of the conversation that she believed the urine, feces, and blood all came from the same orifice. This began a long discussion during which I was forced to tell her not to put the tampon in her rectum. FML

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By NotoriousSRJ - Canada

Today, I got pulled over by a cop. Since my window wasn't working, I opened the door, causing him to run towards me with a drawn gun. He then had a go at me with his night stick. After realizing my window was broken, he laughed and let me off with a warning. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that dirty talk does NOT get me off. My boyfriend and I were having sex and I said "I'm going to come" during the beginning of my orgasm. My orgasm immediately stopped right after I said that. I turned myself off. FML

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By Britishboy1991

Today, I should be working on my big project for work due next week. Instead, I'm walking in and out of the block to get all my things from my flat. My roommate lied about paying the rent for months now and has actually spending all the money on lotto tickets. And no, he didn't win anything. FML

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By unbelievable

Today, I learned that when my girlfriend always says she's been at "Alex's house", she hasn't meant the house of her friend Alexis, but rather the house of the man she has been cheating on me with. She literally told me she was cheating on me and still managed to avoid getting caught. FML

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By now afraid... - United States - Bloomington

Today, I found a bowl of green beans just sitting in my microwave. The only person in my life who ever eats green beans is my psycho ex-girlfriend. She moved out three months ago. FML

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By nukebroadcast - United States

Today, I found out what sound a hammer makes when it strikes the back of my hand. FML

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By robotzzz - France

Today, I asked a co-worker out for a drink. She said yes, then my older brother who was visiting decided to come behind me and pull down my pants in front of the office. Then she said no. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I after getting off the bus, I realized that the man I was talking to was distracting me so his "buddy" could steal my wallet. FML

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By terrified - United States - Forest City

Today, I saw a huge wolf spider in my room. It ran off and hid before I could kill it, but after two hours looking for it then giving up, I finally found it, with my foot, as I put on my shoes. FML

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By me - United States

Today, I met my son for the first time since I had to put him up for adoption over two decades ago. I wanted to make amends and get to know him. Instead, all I got to know was how well he can throw a punch. FML

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By melonhead77 - Cyprus

Today, I got so bored that I ordered my DVD drawer from awesomest to non-awesomest. I need a life. FML

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By Mortified - Australia

Today, I was in the living room with my brother and his two older, hot friends when my mother walks out from the toilet and tells me, "Honey, if you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie wipe the seatie." Need I say more? FML

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By juliette - United States - Astoria

Today, my mom called me an attention seeker and threw a bitch fit because my cat "decided" to die on her birthday. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2020 14:00

You ass!

Today, my jerk of an ex messaged to apologize for dumping me two weeks ago. I took the high road and was overtly polite and friendly, hoping to end things civil. Our conversation ended when he casually mentioned he is moving in with his new girlfriend. FML

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By embarassed - United States

Today, my mother came up to me at swim meet and shouted to me in the bleachers "If you have to go potty, go now because there is a long line!". I'm seventeen. FML

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By harvdog - United States

Today, I went to Seattle with my mom to visit my pregnant sister, only to end up being dragged to a store to buy maternity clothes. The saleswoman apologized to me repeatedly for not having a lounge for the fathers, but congratulated me on the baby. I'm a girl. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that driving five miles an hour under the posted speed limit is "suspicious" and cause for a field sobriety test, breathalyzer, having your car searched and being handcuffed on the side of the road. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I woke up to what I thought was my 9 month old son breastfeeding. It was my boyfriend. According to him, he wanted to experience what his mother never gave him as a kid. FML

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By sisterly love - United States - Santa Clara

Today, my sister admitted to selling pages of my diary to my old boyfriends. FML

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By trippy

Today, my mom tripped over a curb and cried, because she “tripped and not even drunk.” I thought it was normal to trip over my own two feet several times a day. FML

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By apparentlyugly - United States

Today, I went to a concert. They had this feature where you could send a picture of something from your cell phone and they'd put it on the big screens, so I sent a picture of myself in. When the picture came up on the screens, the entire crowd of about 4,000 people went, "Ewwww!" FML

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By Kanata

Today, my phone cut out during a call for a job interview. I tried calling them back, but there was no answer. Later, I got an email from the interviewer, saying I was no longer being considered for the position due to my being "rude and unprofessional." FML

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By Hotdamnthisismyjam - Canada

Today, I went to the bar with some friends. When we walked in, we picked a table at random in the same area as a bunch of older men. The oldest, fattest ugliest man at the table looks me over then stares at my chest. He then starts to motorboat the air in the direction of my boobs. FML

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By littlefella - United States - Novato

Today, I was taking a piss when a old lady somehow managed to wander in. She blushed, chuckled and apologized, "Sorry, little fella!" before leaving. I don't know what size she was commenting on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, my mother posted a video of me giving birth, on Facebook. FML

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Top comments

By Nicole Buchko | 3

#7511436 - Saturday 29 July 2017 3:08

Just checking in...Hope the past 8 years have proven better!

By cable | 6

#7663342 - Thursday 19 July 2018 4:22

did you forget to trim your mustache?

COMMENTS

By Hippo_Holiday | 19

#7469661 - Tuesday 13 June 2017 12:22

*awkward cough*

By ArbiterOfFML | 24

#7479924 - Tuesday 4 July 2017 23:56

FYL, op was there any signs of homosexuality?

By Nicole Buchko | 3

#7511436 - Saturday 29 July 2017 3:08

Just checking in...Hope the past 8 years have proven better!

By cable | 6

#7663342 - Thursday 19 July 2018 4:22

did you forget to trim your mustache?