Intimacy, the best funniest jokes

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Today, my girlfriend had one of her seizures during foreplay. She’s fine, but I’m not, she had my penis in her hand and while seizing she squeezed it so hard she ruptured some blood vessels on the inside. I'm now walking bowlegged and on medication to stop me getting erections that might cause more damage. FML

By Sam - 7/5/2021 02:01

Risky business

906

Today, I was asking my best friend to tell me all the boys she’d had sex with, because I thought she had slept with my boyfriend. She accidentally said my dad. FML

By Anonymous - 6/5/2021 07:01 - United Kingdom - Dewsbury

Whoops

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Today, I caught my wife trying to give herself oral sex. It was sexy and also kinda funny, so I offered to do it to her properly. She got explosively mad for some reason and actually threw me out. I’m writing this from my brother's spare room, wondering where I went wrong. FML

By Anonymous - 4/5/2021 02:01

How very dare you?

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Today, my 16 year-old nephew gave me advice on how to get laid. At age 30, I'm still a virgin. FML

By Anonymous - 3/5/2021 17:01

Soon…

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Today, I realized that I’m old, and that it’s been too long since I had sex or even masturbated. How did I notice? Because I tried to, and I found out I couldn’t comfortably spread my legs that far anymore. FML

By Anonymous - 1/5/2021 23:00

Getting on

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Today, it's been a dozen years since I had sex, as my husband is mentally dealing with molestation as a kid by his uncle. Meanwhile, his mother is on vacation with the molester. Yes, she knows. FML

By Anonymous - 1/5/2021 13:57

Blood is thicker…

1205

Today, after weeks of begging my boyfriend of almost two years to have sex with me, he told me to find someone else to fuck. FML

By theproblemboblem - 29/4/2021 14:00

Going well, isn't it

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Today, I sabotaged my marriage by putting the idea of an open relationship that I never wanted into my husband's head. Why the fuck? FML

By Jess Garcia - 28/4/2021 17:01

Masochist

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Today, I was home alone while my family was on a trip for 3 days at the beach. I walked around naked and did stuff, thinking they wouldn't know. After a whole evening of doing stuff like that, I noticed a camera. They were filming it all. FML

By Kiki - 28/4/2021 08:03 - Belgium

Caught

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Today, my hotel room key wouldn't open my door. Maintenance had to come let me in. My giant dildo was out on the table. I'm a 250-pound man, traveling alone. FML

By Anonymous - 27/4/2021 11:00

No kinkshaming here

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Today, at a bar, I bumped into the hot blonde teacher I had the hots for all through high school, and she actually tried to seduce me. I was only in the bar drowning my sorrows because I recently had my cancerous prostate removed and I can’t get erections any more. Life isn’t fair. FML

By Anonymous - 26/4/2021 04:59

Bad timing

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Today, my partner and I were both horny at the same time. I entertained our 3 kids while he jerked off, then he entertained them while I went and masturbated. We live together and this is the first time we’ve been horny at the same time since Christmas, because we’re both so exhausted. FML

By Anonymous - 25/4/2021 23:00

Our little bundles of joy

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Today, despite giving my sister a place to stay while she's in town for a funeral, she demanded I give a bedroom to her son to have to himself, because, "How am I supposed to have 'sexy time' with my husband with him in the room?" Everyone's sharing rooms, and no one's getting sexy time as someone literally died. FML

By Anonymous - 25/4/2021 08:01

Horndog

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Today, my fiancé decided that we shouldn't have sex before we get married. Even though we've been doing it for years. We can't get married right now due to Covid. FML

By Anonymous - 23/4/2021 23:01

Denied

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Today, after drawing a huge portrait of a homeless man to raise awareness about homelessness, I showed it to him. When I told him I was glad he liked the drawing, he groped me. FML

By Erin - 22/4/2021 17:01 - United States - Pompton Plains

Gratitude walks

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Today, I'm in a relationship in which the sex was great and constant at the beginning. Now it’s so quick, bad and inconsistent, it’s like going at it with a virgin who doesn’t even know how the clit works. FML

By Anonymous - 21/4/2021 15:00 - New Zealand - Auckland

Downhill from here

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Today, my husband’s been dropping hints he wants to open our marriage. When I got home, a couple of his coworkers dropped by "for drinks". They tried to initiate group sex and figured I just needed to be talked into it. I was so mad, I couldn’t throw everyone out fast enough, including him. FML

By wtf Homer? - 21/4/2021 00:30

Not into it

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Today, I tried faking an orgasm for the first time, because I thought it would be sexy for my boyfriend. He stopped to ask me if I was okay. I guess I'm not good at faking it. FML

By Anonymous - 20/4/2021 23:00

Bad actor

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Today, it's the fifth time this week alone I've attempted to explain to my boyfriend that I need more than just two minutes of foreplay to get horny. He tells me he's too tired, but is apparently not too tired to receive head and then have sex afterwards. FML

By Anonymous - 20/4/2021 11:00

Mr Selfish

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Today, my 5 year-old daughter and I had the displeasure of walking in on my husband going down on another woman. I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that it’s been 2 hours and my daughter won’t stop bawling, or the fact that my husband threw the biggest fit, because I “had to come home too early.” FML

By Matasha - 19/4/2021 23:00

In flagrante delicto

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Today, I had some unexpected alone time for the first time in months and decided to *ahem* play with an adult toy. As things were getting close to the end, my cat jumped up on the bed, saw the movement under the blanket and immediately pounced on my downstairs, puncturing certain delicate areas with his claws. FML

By Anonymous - 19/4/2021 14:00

Alone time

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Today, a guy propositioned me for a threesome with his girlfriend. I don't know what's worse, the fact that he's knows I'm gay and have a boyfriend, or the fact that his girlfriend is my sister. He seemed confused as to why I turned him down. FML

By Dude wtf - 19/4/2021 02:02

Indecent proposal

1215

Today, after months of successfully taking strides to boost my long diminished libido, I found out my girlfriend, who always had a healthy sex drive, has now lost hers. Oh, how the tables have turned. FML

By Bill Mantie - 18/4/2021 02:00

Turntables

876

Today, my roommate walked in on me going down on my girlfriend in our shared living area. She was embarrassed for about 20 seconds, then pushed my head back down and told me to keep going until he comes back. FML

By Anonymous - 16/4/2021 17:30 - United States - Chicago

Sounds like a keeper, actually

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Today, I woke up naked in my best friend's roommate's bed. We had sex and I puked on the bed. My first sex in over a year and I don't remember a thing. FML

By Anonymous - 16/4/2021 16:59 - Netherlands

Couldn't have been that great

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Today, we’ve been unable to have sex for months due to my boyfriend’s health issues. I would never EVER cheat on him; however my unconscious mind has other ideas. I’ve dreamt of kinky sex with everyone from the maintenance man to gettin' freaky with detective Stabler. I’m so horny I’m gonna burst. FML

By horny I’m so horny - 15/4/2021 17:00 - United States

Frustrating!

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Today, my husband decided it's completely fine to walk around the house with his penis out in front of his mom. FML

By Anonymous - 15/4/2021 01:59

Close

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Today, I found out that a burglar broke into my house. Since I didn't have expensive stuff for them to steal, they took my Fleshlight. FML

By ... - 14/4/2021 17:00

Who'd want that?

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