Your everyday life stories

496

194

Today, while I was working in a department store, two 15-year-old kids started having sex in a changing room. When I found them, the boy pulled out and said, "You want in, bitch?" I then had to prevent his jealous, half-naked girlfriend from murdering me. FML

By Anonymous - 24/5/2020 05:00

Get out

1051

Today, my wife, who NEVER wants to have sex, decided that now is the time. I, of course, had to take antibiotics that make me so bloated I can’t move without extreme pain. FML

By Anonymous - 23/5/2020 20:00

Feelin' sexy

874

Today, my boss told me I had to fire my co-worker. I didn't want to do it, but I didn't want to lose my job. I told my co-worker that the boss said we had to let him go. He told me that he had sex with my wife. My wife didn't deny it. FML

By pey - 21/5/2020 14:00

Revelations

1748

Today, after months of dating, I finally saw my boyfriend naked. Turns out he has a micropenis. I assured him that I like him for who he was and that we could explore other things. He said no, because oral and sex toys are "immoral." FML

By whyyyyy - 17/5/2020 23:00

Subjective

2301

206

Today, I was having hot sex with my boyfriend. Then, I felt a puff of air hit my face and a rancid smell. My dog had farted in my face. FML

By SkipBeatOtaku - 16/5/2020 20:00

A load of hot air

1299

524

Today, my girlfriend was on top in reverse cowgirl. After she orgasmed, all I heard was, "Oh fuck" and she clenched her butt to try stop, but it was too late, she shot diarrhoea up my stomach, chest and neck. The only reason I didn’t get any in my mouth was because it all got caught in my beard. FML

By Anonymous - 15/5/2020 23:00

The geyser

3319

229

Today, after 10-plus years of marriage, my husband still gets off after 5 minutes. I find myself just wanting to just go down on him, instead of being unsatisfied right when I start to get into it myself. FML

By Anonymous - 13/5/2020 08:00

Frustrated

1535

253

Today, I found out the guy I have been sleeping with didn't actually break up with his girlfriend. She just moved for a few weeks during quarantine. They are now living with each other, and I'm alone and confused. FML

By that'sokay - 12/5/2020 23:00

Deception

1457

337

Today, my wife is still refusing all forms of sex, because she thinks if she gets pregnant during lockdown, she’ll be the butt of all her friends' jokes about what people get up to to relieve the lockdown boredom. I know what I’d like to be getting up to right now to relieve my boredom. FML

By Anonymous - 11/5/2020 08:00

Frustration

1637

282

Today, and since the beginning of our couples therapy, my wife and I don't do it anymore. FML

By naas1201 - 10/5/2020 23:00

It's not working

1271

213

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting frisky. She went to the bathroom momentarily, only to be greeted by a 'huge' spider, which disappeared under a cabinet. Due to her chronic arachnophobia, this instantly turned her off and caused her paranoia all night. I essentially got cock-blocked by a spider. FML

By 8 Legs plus 1 - 8/5/2020 14:00 - United Kingdom

Spider-Maaaaaaan

1559

205

Today, I heard grunting and then realized it was my tenant with his boyfriend. When I went down to do my laundry, I caught them in the act. FML

By shay786 - 5/5/2020 17:00

My eyes!

1439

247

Today, my boyfriend walked in on me having phone sex with another guy. He either didn't notice or didn't care. FML

By Anonymous - 3/5/2020 17:00

Indifference

421

4117

Today, my boyfriend stopped in the middle of sex to tell me he couldn't take it anymore because my legs were too hairy. I shaved yesterday. FML

By lynn_27 - 2/5/2020 08:00

Hammertime

1705

237

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Immediately after we'd finished, he said, "Get off, you're making it hard to breathe on top of me." FML

By easyontheeyes1 - 1/5/2020 02:00

Romantic afterglow

1466

360

Today, my boyfriend refuses to do doggy style anymore because I, and I quote, "have a weird looking butthole, it’s not dirty or anything, it’s just the strangest butthole I’ve ever seen, it’s really distracting." So now, I’m not only self conscious about my small boobs, but my ugly asshole too. FML

By Anonymous - 30/4/2020 17:00

The View

2001

183

Today, I noticed that when my boyfriend is sick, his sex drive goes through the roof. Too bad his stamina plummets. FML

By Anonymous - 29/4/2020 23:00

Go back to bed, Brad

1411

153

Today, I walked in on my husband masturbating into the kitchen sink. FML

By Sarahir - 29/4/2020 05:00

Classic Dave

1798

306

Today, I tried to be sexy and asked my husband of 6 years if he wanted to "put a baby in me." He shook the recent belly fat I gained and asked, "Is there room for a baby in there?" FML

By quarantine15 - 28/4/2020 14:00

Oh, so sexy

1859

531

Today, I was driving my best friend home when he admitted to being gay. I was glad he could trust me with a secret like this. Until he admitted to having sex with my boyfriend. FML

By Anonymous - 24/4/2020 20:00

And today on Maury…

2196

158

Today, I accidentally sent a very sexually explicit message to my online class because I thought I was typing in a different window. You can't delete messages. FML

By Anonymous - 23/4/2020 20:00

Freudian slip

764

2047

Today, my girlfriend of two and half years broke up with me because I'm no longer able to give her the physical attention she needs. I live 4 hours away and we have been this way for almost a year. She found another guy to do it behind my back. FML

By Anonymous - 22/4/2020 17:00

Social distancing done right

1769

236

Today, I went to take out my NuvaRing. To my surprise, I couldn’t find it. I’ve had unprotected sex almost every day this month. I don’t know when it fell out. FML

By bchorror - 22/4/2020 02:00

One ring to…

1714

971

Today, I found out how fast my dad's reaction speed is. I was coming downstairs and sat next to my dad on the couch to show him something I did in a class. He was on an adult website and didn't notice I was coming into the room until I was sitting next to him. FML

By darkrebel01 - 21/4/2020 02:00

Caught in the act

1447

190

Today, I found out that while I was at my job as an "essential" employee, my laid-off boyfriend was at home banging the landlord's daughter. FML

By asshole - 19/4/2020 20:00

Doing his part

2320

139

Today, I realised that unless I masturbate about an hour before sex, sex lasts less than 20 seconds, but even after masturbating I’m still lucky to last a single minute. I don’t know how to stop disappointing her, and she’s my first serious girlfriend. I’m pathetic. FML

By Anonymous - 18/4/2020 23:00

Quickie

2065

379

Today, I got a call from the local police station. Apparently, my idiot son and his equally dumb girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to have sex in the car at a park in broad daylight. They assumed no one would be there due to the quarantine. They were wrong. FML

By stay in there - 17/4/2020 23:00

Dumbasses

1925

241

Today, I gave myself a hickey on my bicep just to know how it feels. I'm a 28-year-old virgin and yes, that's possible. FML

By nano123 - 17/4/2020 08:00

Played yourself

1349

456

Today, I realised my wife has been slowly phasing out most elements of our previously active and inventive sex life. These days, it's missionary once a month or she tells me to whack one off by myself in the bathroom. When did we get so boring? FML

By Anonymous - 16/4/2020 20:00

Stuck in a rut

1761

263