The best jokes about life

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Today, it was the third time a guy high-fived me after sex. The other two guys gave me a fist bump. Is this a universal thing, or am I just one of the bros? FML

By Just a Bro - 13/6/2021 03:31 - India

Let's not get too committed

373

Today, my dad is an asshole. My brother gets to bring home and shag as many girls as he wants, yet when I told my dad I was inviting my study group to our house, 3 girls and 1 boy I’m not romantically interested in, he removed my bedroom door, just in case. FML

By Anonymous - 11/6/2021 14:01

His house, his asshole

889

Today, my husband seems to think sex once a month is adequate, and that it’s acceptable to nap on the sofa once he gets home from work, wake up for dinner, then go straight to bed. I also can’t speak to him while he’s eating, because he’s watching tv. I thought I had a husband, not a roommate. FML

By Anonymous - 8/6/2021 10:59

Romance is dead

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Today, my 6-year-old nephew told me that he wanted to grow up already, so that he could smoke, drink and, "fuck like a rabbit." FML

By Greg - 8/6/2021 00:01

They grow up so fast these days

816

Today, my fiancé told me that my dad apologized to him that I hadn’t inherited my mother’s chest size. FML

By Anonymous - 6/6/2021 06:01

Thanks dad

946

Today, I’m recovering from an accident. My boyfriend wanted to get it on, but I told him I couldn’t as I'd had a major spinal injury. He replied, "But you have a mouth, though stop with the excuses." FML

By Anonymous - 6/6/2021 02:01

This Charming Man

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Today, my mom walked in on me and my girlfriend having sex. Later, police turned up because mom thought she was underage. I had to desperately prove to some very angry officers that I met my girlfriend at university, and she’s almost a year older than I am. FML

By Anonymous - 5/6/2021 08:00

Assumptions

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Today, after waiting to losing our virginity together, we finally did it, only for my boyfriend to claim he doesn't understand how people enjoy sex, since he found the waiting stressful, the sex awkward and undignified, the orgasm unimpressive and so sticky, he was desperate for a shower afterwards. FML

By anon - 5/6/2021 02:01

Not a great start

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Today, my mom confirmed my suspicions that my dad cheated on her. She then told me to hide my knowledge about it from my dad, and to keep my brother completely in the dark for now. Now I can't even look at my dad without reaching the brink of crying, and I'm somehow supposed to keep this under wraps. FML

By TheEpicWario - 1/6/2021 14:02

Sworn to secrecy

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Today, according to my boyfriend, it’s not cheating if he doesn’t love the other woman, so if it’s just sex, it’s not cheating and I shouldn’t be upset. FML

By Anonymous - 31/5/2021 04:01

Logic

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Today, my husband is a music teacher, and I walked in on him on Zoom with one of his female students. He said he was teaching her the guitar. He was naked from the waist down and she was fully nude. FML

By Abandonded - 28/5/2021 08:02

Jimmy Handtricks

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Today, I caught my son and my wife’s daughter “experimenting” with each other’s privates. They’re not blood related and they are teenagers, so it’s maybe not too bad, but they’ve been raised together since they were roughly about 5 years-old, so it’s still too weird to really understand. FML

By rickshaw rider - 28/5/2021 00:01

A teachable moment

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Today, I found out from a cousin why my older aunts treated me so differently when we were growing up. Apparently, my mom told them that when I was 14, I wanted to use tampons instead of pads. According to their backward, archaic logic that meant I was sexually active. No wonder they hated me. FML

By tampon of doom - 27/5/2021 14:01

Logic

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Today, I was watching porn with no headphones, because my roommate had left for work. He didn’t fill me in that his girlfriend was, one, even over at our place, and two was using the room next to me to teach her third grade class. Yeah. I’m going to get headphones. FML

By Anonymous - 27/5/2021 08:01

Class dismissed

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Today, after going on a date with my girlfriend, we ended up having sex at her flat. When she took off her panties, I took a glance and saw poop stains on them. It turned me off. FML

By Nico - 26/5/2021 14:01

Dealbreaker

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Today, my wife asked me when will my sex drive just stop. I'm only 39. FML

By Anonymous - 26/5/2021 02:01

Bored

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Today, at my wit's end, I had to have a conversation with my dog's trainer. During the pandemic, my otherwise housebroken dog began to pee in my bathroom whenever my boyfriend and I have sex. Our sex life is suffering and we went from 2-3 times a week to 8 times in the last year… with 8 matching piss puddles. FML

By Horny and Unamused - 25/5/2021 11:00

Woof! I do not consent!

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Today, I found out that four years ago, my fiancé and the father of my children had sex with my younger sister twice, one of those times being in my house while our baby and I were sleeping in the next room. Couldn’t be better timing as I start chemotherapy in 3 days. FML

By Anonymous - 24/5/2021 19:59 - Australia

Nice guy

1452

Today, despite a condom, an IUD, and my boyfriend getting a vasectomy, I still managed to get pregnant. It was my first and only time having sex and I don’t want kids, ever. FML

By izzie - 21/5/2021 14:01

Tokophobics unite!

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Today, I learned that my family only came to the state I live in because my great grandfather was caught molesting his own children. He was never convicted. FML

By Anonymous - 21/5/2021 07:59

Sometimes, family shouldn't stick together

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Today, I bought a Plan B at CVS. I always use my parents' phone number for reward points. Turns out my mom is enrolled in digital receipts. FML

By Anonymous - 21/5/2021 04:01

You have mail!

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Today, I had sex with my girlfriend for the first time. Her new nickname for me is "Mr. Breakfast Sausage." FML

By Tim Scotten - 18/5/2021 06:01

Call me by my name

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Today, my girlfriend told me that last night after I got drunk, I passed out mid-pump while we were knocking boots. FML

By Anonymous - 17/5/2021 05:02 - United States

I did a sex

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Today, I realised my mom is a big hypocrite for telling me sex is wrong and sinful outside marriage, because I just worked out from their marriage certificate my mom must have been pregnant with me in college, and I was born after they’d only been married for 4 weeks. FML

By Anonymous - 16/5/2021 22:00

One law for thee…

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Today, I looked into my fiance's Twitter to see he follows tons of "nipslips" and adult/porn pages, even though we've had numerous fights with him making excuses as to how/why I've been "misunderstanding" past issues. At this point I've pretty much bet my life on this guy. FML

By Anonymous - 16/5/2021 02:01 - Saint Lucia - Castries

Poor odds

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Today, my boss told me to kick out of the hotel anyone who was clearly a prostitute trolling for men. I spotted a woman in a miniskirt approaching a guy in the bar, so I told her politely to leave. Despite the skirt, turns out she's the hotel manager and the man was her fiancé. I got fired so hard and fast. FML

By Lipstick lez - 15/5/2021 11:02

Top brass

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Today, I learned that it is not normal to have absolutely zero desire for sex. I’m well into my 20s and not a virgin. FML

By anna - 15/5/2021 07:58

Ace in the hole

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Today, my father was watching the story on the TV news of a girl who was killed by an Uber driver when trying to return home. The only thing he said was, "Serves her well for being a slut." I have two younger sisters and one among them had a miscarriage after her abusive ex-boyfriend raped her. FML

By Dick. - 13/5/2021 22:01

Worst father ever

1321

Today, I had to admit to myself that recently my biggest kink was watching Sam Seder debate libertarians. My oh my, watching him dunk on them on YouTube gets me hot and bothered. This feels wrong. FML

By Jeanine - 13/5/2021 20:01

Strange kind of porn

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