The best jokes about life

565

Today, I drunkenly hooked up with a meth dealer I just met online. Of course this occurred at his place, since he's on home detention for drug trafficking - ankle bracelet and all. Worst part? I really liked it. FML

By Anonymous - 22/1/2021 14:31 - Australia - Adelaide

Confused

135

1054

Today, I tried pouring water on myself like in Coyote Ugly to the song "Pour Some Sugar On Me." I ended up waterboarding myself and I didn’t stop until the pitcher was done. I felt like I was drowning the whole time, and my partner knew from the choking sounds. FML

By Anonymous - 21/1/2021 23:01

Cool moves

147

774

Today, since I've been falling for the girl I've been sleeping with for the past couple of months, I decided it was time for us to talk about making things official and exclusive. I was confident she'd feel the same way. Then I found out she's an escort. FML

By Anonymous - 20/1/2021 20:02 - Canada - Kitchener

In the dark

413

671

Today, I found out that my cross-dressing father and my recently deceased mother were having a much more "open" relationship then they'd let on, when the sheriff's department finally gave me mom's phone back. FML

By Anonymous - 20/1/2021 11:02

Too Much Information

621

103

Today, I caught up with a good friend and he let me rant about my sexless marriage. He was really understanding and supportive. I got home and he sent me 5 pictures of his wife in a small bikini, saying, “Guess who doesn’t have your problems?” FML

By Anonymous - 18/1/2021 23:01

Supportive

982

225

Today, I had the house to myself for the morning. I decided to enjoy being alone, so pulled my trusty bullet vibrator from the drawer. I was very much into it, loving the alone time and myself, and was on the edge of climax when my vibrator died. This brought me to tears, because all I wanted to do was be alone and masturbate. FML

By Anonymous - 17/1/2021 11:01

Technology hates humans

931

198

Today, I came early from my job, just to find my boyfriend in bed, with my dad. FML

By kikuhime - 17/1/2021 02:01

Oh, hello

1420

Today, I had to resort to telling my boyfriend that I have a praise kink, just so that he would actually compliment me. FML

By StarvedForAffection - 13/1/2021 17:01 - United States - Midlothian

Good girl

749

206

Today, I had a huge argument with my wife because I declined a lunch invite with a married couple who live nearby. My wife has severe social anxiety, so having a friend nearby is a huge win for her. What my wife doesn’t know is that her new friend keeps hitting on me, and has already sent me unsolicited nudes. FML

By Anonymous - 13/1/2021 20:01

Creepy

1307

193

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. She had her whole hand in me kind of deep. It was hitting everything inside me and triggered me to poop a little bit, on her arm and the bed. FML

By Anonymous - 13/1/2021 08:01 - Canada - Toronto

Girls will be girls

670

493

Today, my boyfriend said he wants a poly relationship. He said he wants to sleep with other people, but I can't in case I get feelings for them. Thats not what poly means, dude. FML

By Anonymous - 12/1/2021 11:01

One law for me, one law for thee

923

107

Today, I realized that in the 3 and half month relationship with a wonderful guy I truly like, so far I've masturbated more than the whole year I was single before I met him. FML

By Anonymous - 11/1/2021 17:00

Mixed results

697

203

Today, I discovered that the father of my son cheated on me, but with fake sex bots that pretend to be real people. I don’t know whether I’m more disappointed in him cheating, or the fact that he couldn’t even get it right. FML

By Anonymous - 9/1/2021 13:58 - New Zealand

Doofus

791

145

Today, I realized that my fiancée is using our son to make sure we can't have sex. He's two years-old and hasn't once slept in his own bed or crib. FML

By Anonymous - 9/1/2021 05:01 - United States

No sex for you

800

148

Today, I thought I would spice things up a bit and rocked my man's world, but in the kitchen. Apparently, some of his cum must have got on the tiles because I slipped on it 15 minutes later. In doing so I smacked my head on the fridge.. FML

By Anonymous - 7/1/2021 20:01 - Australia

A for Effort

881

563

Today, I discovered I'd been ghosted. Last night, I hung out with this guy. We started making out. Everything was going great, then we had sex and it literally lasted 30 seconds because he was done. He got up, got dressed and left and then deleted me off everything. FML

By Anonymous - 7/1/2021 02:01

Mr Kwik Fit

821

224

Today, I explained to my boyfriend that I'm pansexual. I said attracts what me to him is his intelligence and personality, and would still love him whether or not he had a penis. Turns out a 100% straight cis man can prioritise his penis over his intelligence and personality, because he's really offended now. FML

By TooAccepting - 6/1/2021 23:01 - Australia - Brisbane

Fragility

613

869

Today, after I caught my (now ex) boyfriend cheating. He told me that it isn't my business if he was seeing other woman, because we didn't had an official relationship. We have been living together in a house we bought, for two years now. FML

By Anonymous - 5/1/2021 05:00

Mr Commitment

1230

Today, I walked in on my wife and my buddy from work. They didn’t even stop. I just went to a motel to get drunk. FML

By Jerry - 4/1/2021 10:58

Best thing to do

1251

Today, I was so sad and lonely that I drunkenly masturbated to Game of Thrones scenes featuring Petyr Baelish. FML

By Little tears - 2/1/2021 14:05 - United States

Cranking

263

662

Today, for the first time in 8 months, I got laid and it was amazing. Unfortunately, it's kicked my latent sex drive into hyperdrive. Best part? No idea when I might have sex again, so apparently I just have to live with being ragingly horny for the foreseeable future. FML

By Anonymous - 31/12/2020 22:56 - United States - Montpelier

Join the club

908

259

Today, my boyfriend told me I'm the best lay of his life. I really wish I could say the same about him. FML

By Ray - 31/12/2020 16:58

Anticlimactic

728

254

Today, I was told by my sister over the dinner table that some guy is telling people I’ve had sex with him; that’s not even the worst part. He’s telling people my sister walked in. One, I haven’t talked to him in years; two, he’s really not my type, three, I’m in a relationship. FML

By Anonymous - 30/12/2020 13:02 - United Kingdom

Pants on fire

831

Today, my girlfriend, who live 30 minutes away, asked me over late at night. When I got there, she turned me around and kicked me out because she "wasn’t feeling it." I’m 29 and still a virgin. FML

By Anonymous - 26/12/2020 07:58 - United States - Redmond

Denied

1088

222

Today, I have so little faith in my future earning potential that I keep my clipped toe and fingernails as a nest egg. I heard that some weirdos on the internet actually pay money for those. FML

By Anonymous - 22/12/2020 19:58 - Germany

The new economy

613

324

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend and it started getting heated. I climbed on top of him and took his shirt off, but I guess my brain had a different idea. I ended up clinging to him for dear life because my brain decided that now was a good time for a seizure. Mood ruined. FML

By AloneAtPerkins - 21/12/2020 23:04

Intense

1317

Today, after close to 10 years of marriage, my wife’s health has improved enough she is craving sex again. Just not with me. FML

By Anonymous - 16/12/2020 08:02

Take care

1199

Today, while trying to be sexy for my fiancé by going to change his background photo to a naughty pic of myself, I found out he's been actively cheating on me. For almost a year, with multiple women. When confronted, he tried telling how hard me finding out was for HIM. FML

By Anonymous - 15/12/2020 20:01

Reverse Uno

1216

112