FML : Your everyday life stories

Today, my girlfriend sent me a video of herself masturbating so I could watch it on my business trip. As I was watching it, I realised someone was filming her, because the camera was moving and definitely not on a tripod. I know I never recorded a video of her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By Anonymous - / Monday 15 October 2018 03:00 /

Today, I got to see my fiancé for the first time in 3 months. While we were having sex for the first time, he slipped out and slammed into the back of my vagina, tearing it open. Now I won't stop bleeding, it hurts to pee, and we can't have sex. I won't see him for another 2 months after this. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By Anonymous - / Saturday 6 October 2018 21:00 / United States - Tallahassee

Today, I found out why my husband is suddenly uninterested in sex. Apparently one of the secretaries at work has finally turned 18, and it's pretty much an open secret among his coworkers that they fuck anywhere from 2 to 5 times a day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By Anonymous - / Thursday 4 October 2018 03:00 /

Today, I was fooling around with my new girlfriend. I guess she'd never been with an uncircumcised man before, because before I knew it I had a frenulum tear and had to go to the ER. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By moerae - / Wednesday 3 October 2018 03:00 /

Today, I found out that my girlfriend secretly purchased a vibrator and has been using it for the past two weeks. When I confronted her, her only argument was "It's made me cum more times than you could." FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By ToysforHire - / Saturday 22 September 2018 03:00 /

Today, after years of telling my boyfriend I don't do anal, I agreed to try it once just to get him to stop whining about it. He was so gung-ho that he tried to force it in without doing enough "relaxing preparation" and he split the muscle around my ring. Now I need surgery. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By Anonymous - / Thursday 20 September 2018 03:00 /

Today, one of my residents was having super loud sex. I'm an RA in a college freshman dorm, and I had to knock on her door and tell her to quiet down. I hate to be a cock-block, but she woke multiple people up, myself included. I live 4 doors down the hall from her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By awkwardRA - / Wednesday 19 September 2018 03:30 /

W.T.F.

Today, while getting dressed, I discovered that when my brother and his friends got drunk last night one of them wanked into a pair of my panties and put them back in my wardrobe. The crusty mess pressed right into my groin. I had to clean dry spunk out of my pubic hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By Anonymous - / Saturday 15 September 2018 06:00 /

Today, I'm on new medication that has a side effect of keeping me awake all night. Now I get to listen to my parents having sex at 2am when they think I'm fast asleep. FYI, my dad likes being spanked and being told that he's a really bad boy who needs punishment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By Anonymous - / Wednesday 29 August 2018 06:00 /

Today, I found out just how close my boyfriend has been getting to our new neighbour's teenage son. I came home from work to find them on my bed and my "straight" boyfriend head down ass up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By Cantunsee - / Sunday 26 August 2018 06:00 /

Today, I decided to get in the cowgirl position since it's my fiancé's favorite. I got a little carried away during the "ride" and suddenly heard his dick crack. I fractured his penis. He's never going to have sex with me again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By Redhead - / Wednesday 22 August 2018 06:00 /

Is this the worst Netflix and chill ever?

Today, a guy I'd been seeing briefly came over for cocktails and a movie. The night ended with him vomiting in my bathroom and on my couch, using my toothbrush, then proceeding to tell me how big his ex-boyfriend's dick was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By Anonymous - / Wednesday 15 August 2018 06:00 /

Uh... Okay?

Today, I was going out with my boyfriend after recently coming out. On my way out the door, my dad looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Suck that dick like a champ tonight, son." FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By Champion sucker - / Saturday 11 August 2018 06:00 /

Today, while my boyfriend and I were on a picnic date out in the country, things got a little heated. When we were switching positions, he screamed and started running around. Turns out neither of us noticed the beehive in the tree above us until his dick got stung. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By Anonymous - / Monday 6 August 2018 00:00 / United States

Today, I was lucky to have an extremely attractive doctor operating on me. This would have been great had he not been removing a foreign object from my vagina after an ill-fated masturbation session. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By ERnightmare - / Thursday 2 August 2018 21:00 / United States - Long Beach

Today, I was jerking off at 2am when a giant, thumb-sized cockroach came flying across my room, prompting me to scream pretty loudly. My mom then came into my room worried, only to find me naked on top of the couch, screaming like a little girl. I still had an erection. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By Diogo Filipe de Almeida - / Sunday 29 July 2018 06:00 /

Today, my best friend asked if I'd join him and his girlfriend for a 3-way. Since I've always had a crush on his girlfriend, I eagerly agreed. When I got there, I learned that their idea of a 3-way was them watching me jerk off while I watched them have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By 3rd wheel, 2nd dick - / Thursday 26 July 2018 06:00 /

Today, I was sunbathing by my pool, totally naked. After a while I got a boner and decided to jerk off. As I was about to finish, I rolled over to cum on the deck, but when I rolled back, my elderly neighbor yelled, "Don't do that in the open if you won’t give up the money shot." FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By Money Shot - / Sunday 15 July 2018 06:00 /

Today, I had to awkwardly explain in a conference with HR, management, and my coworkers that the occasional bruises, cuts, welts, and choke marks are from consensual BDSM sex and NOT domestic violence. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By Hailey - / Tuesday 26 June 2018 06:00 /

World

South Africa

Today, I came back from college excited to see my parents and enjoy a nice home-cooked meal, but as I walked in the front door I was greeted by my parents having sex on the kitchen table. They didn't see me so I sneaked out and waited. I had to eat dinner at that table. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By Anonymous - / Tuesday 19 June 2018 06:00 / South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, my boyfriend and I were finally having some intimate alone time together. When we really started getting into it, he suddenly prematurely jizzed in my eye. I now need surgery and have to explain to my family how I almost lost my eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By Anonymous - / Sunday 17 June 2018 06:00 /

Today, my husband decided to literally spice things up. He put a "small amount" of hot-sauce in our lubricant without telling me. He thought 1,000,000 Scoville units would make me cum. The only one who came was the paramedic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By Firepussy911 - / Thursday 14 June 2018 06:22 /

Today, I was leaving college when my yearlong roommate said that he "needed me inside him" before I left. Having just accepted that I’m gay, we had sex. Only later did I learn about the floor-wide bet about me being gay. I still don’t know if my roommate fucked me for fun or for 5 cases of beer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By Should have stayed in the closet - / Thursday 7 June 2018 06:00 /

Today, my new bikini must be cheap as shit because I tanned nicely where I put on sunscreen, but where I didn’t apply it under the bikini I’ve gotten super red sunburn on my butt, my lady bits, and my boobs. My nipples look like the ends of red felt tip pens. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By Anonymous - / Friday 1 June 2018 06:00 /

Today, I finally got the girl of my dreams in bed with me and she insisted we do anal. After I got it in and started going to town, I figured I would finger her while banging her from behind. As I reached around, I felt something odd. It was her balls and dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By dirty__bill. - / Monday 28 May 2018 19:13 /

Today, my husband and I mutually discovered that we are both infected with pubic lice. How? I found his and he found mine while we were in the middle of 69-ing each other. So, so gross. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By krabby patty - / Friday 25 May 2018 06:00 /

Today, I met my new boyfriend’s family for the first time. Unfortunately for me, his dad walked in to ask what we wanted for dinner while we were having sex. Even worse was that my boyfriend kept going while his dad was there, and his dad later said he was glad I was “the woman”. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By Oh God - / Thursday 24 May 2018 06:00 /

World

Canada

Is home repair supposed to be sexy?

Today, while working at Lowe's, I had to deal with a situation in one of the bathroom aisles. Unfortunately, it wasn’t someone sitting on one of the toilets. It was two guys fucking in one of the shower displays. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By Not paid enough - / Tuesday 15 May 2018 00:00 / Canada - Ajax

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to jump out from behind the bedroom door to surprise my boyfriend on his birthday. I slipped and broke two ribs when I hit the ground. Instead of a sexy birthday evening, he got to take me to hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By Anonymous - / Sunday 6 May 2018 06:00 /

World

Canada

Today, I was laying naked, face down across our bed when I asked my husband to crack my back. He quickly replied with, "Holy! I never realized that your ass hairs were so long before." FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By dereksboo44 - / Wednesday 25 April 2018 23:00 / Canada - Brantford

FML

Nearly

Today, I asked a couple who had been double charged whether they wanted a refund or an exchange. They began yelling about how I needed to give them their...

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

Today I had to visit the burns clinic for a dressing change over both legs because I scalded myself last week with a pot of boiling water. Today I also...

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

See all the Nearly FMLs

World

Loading data…

Australia

Today, after I ran and just caught the train home after work, it took me 4 steps to realise I had driven to work that day. FML

Canada

Today, I found out why my art teacher was so reluctant to return my artwork that he'd borrowed to display. He dropped a white splotch of paint in the centre...

See all the World FMLs

Photos

See all FML photos

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend sent me a video of herself masturbating so I could watch it on my business trip. As I was watching it, I realised someone was filming...

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

Today, I got to see my fiancé for the first time in 3 months. While we were having sex for the first time, he slipped out and slammed into the back of...

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

See all the Spicy FMLs