The best jokes about life

366

Today, my husband’s been dropping hints he wants to open our marriage. When I got home, a couple of his coworkers dropped by "for drinks". They tried to initiate group sex and figured I just needed to be talked into it. I was so mad, I couldn’t throw everyone out fast enough, including him. FML

By wtf Homer? - 21/4/2021 00:30

Not into it

739

Today, I tried faking an orgasm for the first time, because I thought it would be sexy for my boyfriend. He stopped to ask me if I was okay. I guess I'm not good at faking it. FML

By Anonymous - 20/4/2021 23:00

Bad actor

162

539

Today, it's the fifth time this week alone I've attempted to explain to my boyfriend that I need more than just two minutes of foreplay to get horny. He tells me he's too tired, but is apparently not too tired to receive head and then have sex afterwards. FML

By Anonymous - 20/4/2021 11:00

Mr Selfish

685

Today, my 5 year-old daughter and I had the displeasure of walking in on my husband going down on another woman. I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that it’s been 2 hours and my daughter won’t stop bawling, or the fact that my husband threw the biggest fit, because I “had to come home too early.” FML

By Matasha - 19/4/2021 23:00

In flagrante delicto

1353

Today, I had some unexpected alone time for the first time in months and decided to *ahem* play with an adult toy. As things were getting close to the end, my cat jumped up on the bed, saw the movement under the blanket and immediately pounced on my downstairs, puncturing certain delicate areas with his claws. FML

By Anonymous - 19/4/2021 14:00

Alone time

754

178

Today, a guy propositioned me for a threesome with his girlfriend. I don't know what's worse, the fact that he's knows I'm gay and have a boyfriend, or the fact that his girlfriend is my sister. He seemed confused as to why I turned him down. FML

By Dude wtf - 19/4/2021 02:02

Indecent proposal

998

Today, my dad and I finally found something we have in common, after 12 years of barely talking with each other. We're both extremely suicidally depressed and we were both molested as kids. FML

By Anonymous - 18/4/2021 03:00 - Canada - Bedford

Making connections

946

Today, after months of successfully taking strides to boost my long diminished libido, I found out my girlfriend, who always had a healthy sex drive, has now lost hers. Oh, how the tables have turned. FML

By Bill Mantie - 18/4/2021 02:00

Turntables

754

Today, my roommate walked in on me going down on my girlfriend in our shared living area. She was embarrassed for about 20 seconds, then pushed my head back down and told me to keep going until he comes back. FML

By Anonymous - 16/4/2021 17:30 - United States - Chicago

Sounds like a keeper, actually

386

959

Today, I woke up naked in my best friend's roommate's bed. We had sex and I puked on the bed. My first sex in over a year and I don't remember a thing. FML

By Anonymous - 16/4/2021 16:59 - Netherlands

Couldn't have been that great

303

822

Today, we’ve been unable to have sex for months due to my boyfriend’s health issues. I would never EVER cheat on him; however my unconscious mind has other ideas. I’ve dreamt of kinky sex with everyone from the maintenance man to gettin' freaky with detective Stabler. I’m so horny I’m gonna burst. FML

By horny I’m so horny - 15/4/2021 17:00 - United States

Frustrating!

1080

209

Today, my husband decided it's completely fine to walk around the house with his penis out in front of his mom. FML

By Anonymous - 15/4/2021 01:59

Close

956

107

Today, I found out that a burglar broke into my house. Since I didn't have expensive stuff for them to steal, they took my Fleshlight. FML

By ... - 14/4/2021 17:00

Who'd want that?

807

155

Today, it's been two weeks since my girlfriend of many years and I decided to take a short break from each other. We'd been fighting a lot and felt like some space would help the situation. I found out today that, at some point during those two weeks, she decided to go and have sex with my (now ex) best friend. FML

By Anonymous - 13/4/2021 17:01

We were on a break!

872

195

Today, four months into a deep depression, I now have a new involuntary reaction to being sad and angry. I constantly have an erection when I'm feeling really down or pissed off, even when I cry. FML

By Anonymous - 13/4/2021 05:00 - United States - Elyria

Crank time

793

Today, my mother suffered a stroke and had to be hospitalized. In order to drive him to the hospital, I actually had to find my father, who never answers any phone calls or messages and is rarely home. I found out on the spot that he was cheating on my mother. What an asshole. FML

By Anonymous - 12/4/2021 21:30

Indeed

1014

Today, the guy who told me he “wasn’t looking for a relationship” started being in a relationship with another girl. I lost my virginity to him and went on a few dates with him. He’s actually confused as to why I’m upset about this. FML

By Anonymous - 11/4/2021 23:00

Not the one

768

357

Today, I had to create a new password for my computer. I had to do it to stop my father from watching porn on my computer. FML

By Anonymous - 11/4/2021 13:57

Keep out

978

Today, marks almost two years of being sexually inactive after being widowed. It also happened to be the day I made an uncharacteristic decision. I hooked up with a male friend. I'm so out of practice, I honestly believe round-two the next morning was out of pity more than actual interest. FML

By Staywidowed - 8/4/2021 23:00

Give it your best shot

858

161

Today, my boyfriend hasn’t asked for sex in a while, like months, and when I asked him about it he admitted that every day I shout at him, snap at him or act bitchy about anything not his fault, he has a wank and goes to sleep rather than bother asking me for sex. FML

By Passive ass aggressor - 8/4/2021 02:00

Cranky

304

3758

Today I’ve been called a prude, a misogynist, a controlling bastard and worse all because I have a problem with my girlfriend masturbating for strangers online. She has an OnlyFans and I hate it. FML

By not a fan - 7/4/2021 08:00 - United States

Sex workers unite!

1381

301

Today my girlfriend actually moved during sex. I love her, but she's so awful in bed. FML

By Anonymoys - 6/4/2021 23:30 - United Kingdom

Talk to her!

855

319

Today, I was called a whore by my own parents, simply because I’ve never had a relationship that lasted longer than a month. Everyone I’ve ever dated has dumped me. FML

By mere - 6/4/2021 21:30

Nice parents you've got there

972

134

Today, I slept in the same room as my girlfriend for the first time. She is sweet, smart, and drop-dead gorgeous, so naturally I thought she was going to be the one. Until she farted in her sleep. 56 times. FML

By single again - 6/4/2021 17:00

Women shouldn't fart?

361

2612

Today, a man on a bike was so preoccupied with making lewd comments about another girl's behind that he drove straight into mine. FML

By Anonymous - 4/4/2021 08:31 - India - Hosur

Catcaller on a bike!

883

Today, I was recording a video on Snapchat to send to one of my friends, while unaware that my father had walked in behind me. I was talking about how I can’t watch porn anymore because my phone is broken. He now knows too much. FML

By Anonymous - 3/4/2021 12:00 - United States - Boise

Porn addiction

277

1066

Today, after months and months of putting up with bleeding, I have made the connection that, if I orgasm, I will bleed the following day for days at a time, regardless of whether or not I should be on my period. FML

By Anonymous - 1/4/2021 08:01

Sophie's choice

1480

Today, I overheard my husband screaming and sobbing into the phone. Apparently, his mistress has been cheating on him with both his brother and their uncle. Who’s the woman in question? My much younger niece, who lives next door. I don’t even know where to begin to approach this dumpster fire. FML

By R we Hillbilliez? - 1/4/2021 00:30

Family sticks together

1491

Today, after months of having my standards lowered by how unattractive guys' dating profiles are, I found myself masturbating to the yellow guy from Sin City. Yep. He's hot compared to my real options. FML

By Imnotfromhere - 31/3/2021 16:59

Hot pixels

498

484