The best jokes about life

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Today, my boyfriend broke up with me after finding out that I opened an Onlyfans account. FML

By Anonymous - 24/2/2021 02:00

Honest day's work

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Today, I have been married for nearly 16 years. I've not had sex in over three years. My wife spends all hours chatting and gaming online with friends, and when she finally crashes into bed, she just goes to sleep. FML

By Anonymous - 23/2/2021 17:01

Desperate man

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Today, I'd always been scared of meeting someone from Tinder, so I was really reassured when my first Tinder date went really well. I kept seeing the guy. He then gave me herpes. FML

By Anonymous - 23/2/2021 00:30

Infectious laugh

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Today, I found out that the pills my doctor prescribed for my ED cause severe side effects and I have to stop taking them. So much for my sex life. FML

By Anonymous - 22/2/2021 23:01

Between a rock and a not-so-hard place

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Today, I found a video of my fiance staring into the camera while deep-throating a dildo, and then putting it other places. I have no idea who/what it was for, or how to talk to him about this, but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with his disinterest in me lately. FML

By Anonymous - 22/2/2021 00:30

Man of mystery

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Today, while having sex with my husband, I was tired so a lot more of a starfish than I usually am. My husband came sooner and harder than he ever had, and declared it the best sex we've had. FML

By WhyBother - 21/2/2021 05:02

Starfish

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Today, I found a USB stick my husband was hiding. I checked and it had hundreds of pictures of girls from porn sites and Instagram. That wasn’t the issue. Hidden in those pictures was a pic of his ex-girlfriend, with whom he has not been with past 8 years. FML

By Anonymous - 20/2/2021 23:01

Blast from the past

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Today, I'm worried senseless over my mom who's in hospital in an induced coma due to COVID-19, and my boyfriend complains that I don't want to have sex with him as often as he wants. FML

By Anonymous - 20/2/2021 19:58 - Czech Republic - Prostejov

Time to ditch

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Today, I had amazing sex with my new boyfriend. Later, my husband told me I'd betrayed him, even though he had told me it was okay, because he heard it. I’ve been forced to hear to him through the thin walls of our house, having sex with my ex, for almost a year. FML

By wtf - 20/2/2021 05:01

Polyamory is complicated

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Today, I casually hooked up with a guy with no strings attached. Later, we had a great conversation and I suddenly realized that I have feelings for him. He wants nothing even close to a relationship and probably doesn't like me back. FML

By Messy love life - 19/2/2021 12:31 - India

Just ask

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Today, I learned that my mother-in-law gives better head than my wife. How? It wasn't from my experience, but thanks to a casual conversation with my father. FML

By Anonymous - 16/2/2021 19:02 - Mexico - Mexico

Weird flex, but OK

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Today, I was helping my Dad with an internet issue he was having. He gave me his tablet to check it out. I opened the browser, and there were 8 tabs open. All of them were PornHub. FML

By Anonymous - 16/2/2021 22:58

Saucy devil

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Today, after months of celibacy due to being utterly single in this pandemic, I finally got to look a man in the eyes while being deepthroated. Oh. I wasn't gagging on his penis, no no, it was on a Covid test swab. FML

By Anonymous - 15/2/2021 21:21 - Canada - Kamloops

Deep Throat

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Hey, OP here! Hahaha ,fortunately I had the choice to get the nasal or the throat swab and I chose throat! No deep nasal fucking here!

kahaney tells us more :

By Anonymous - 14/2/2021 14:01 - Colombia

Thanks mom

Today, my mom decided it was a good idea to remind me about my non-existent sex life while all the family was having dinner. FML

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Today, I woke up to my friends-with-benefits asking me why I didn't pray after waking up. We had an all nighter and I don't even know if that's something to be worried about. FML

By EpicOracle - 13/2/2021 13:57

Praise the Lord!

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Today, the eye doctor told me I only had 90% vision on my left eye, and asked if I wanted treatment. Not being terribly bothered by it, I asked what the treatment would consist of. "We'll stick a large needle in your eye, and pump in some medicine." I quickly wished him a pleasant day and left. FML

By Anonymous - 13/2/2021 08:02

I guess that's why they call it an intravitreal injection

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Today, I felt an intense pain in my abdomen, so my mom drove me to the hospital. When we were in the waiting room, she rudely said, "It's probably an STD since you're such a slut." And then she left me there. It was a kidney infection. FML

By Imnotfromhere - 13/2/2021 05:01

Great mom you got there

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Today, I was texting my boyfriend while in the car with my family. He sent a particularly racy text, and my little sister happened to look over at my phone and then asked quite loudly, "What does anal mean?” FML

By Anonymous - 12/2/2021 23:01

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Today, I was having a fantastic sex dream. So good, in fact, that I woke myself up breathing heavily and humping my pillow. I was at my friend's house and she saw everything. FML

By Randy Candy - 12/2/2021 17:01 - United States

Poor pillow

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Today, I found out just how close my mom and fiancé are. No, they aren’t sleeping together, but she has been covering for him while he has sex with other women behind my back. Her excuse? He deserves to be happy too. FML

By Anonymous - 10/2/2021 17:30 - United States - Hesperia

How close is too close?

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Today, when I woke up, I thought I’d be sexy by waking my girlfriend with oral sex. Still half asleep, she said, “Robert, stop it that tickles.” My name is Linda, we’re a lesbian couple who've never expressed interest in men, so who the fuck is Robert? FML

By Lindy - 10/2/2021 03:58 - United Kingdom

Morning surprise

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Today, my husband told me he doesn't see me in a sexual light. Too bad we've only been married for 3 months. FML

By Anonymous - 8/2/2021 17:02 - United States - Herndon

That was quick

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Today, my girlfriend fell asleep during sex. This isn't the first time. FML

By Isuckreallybad - 6/2/2021 21:30 - United States

Narcolepsy

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Today, my sister slept with my boyfriend while I was at work providing for the both of them as well as our child. I let her move in after our mother kicked her out. FML

By Anonymous - 6/2/2021 16:01 - United Kingdom - Blackpool

Gratitude walks

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Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because there was “something missing”, which was the lack of sex we had because she didn’t feel good about her body. Less than three hours after crushing my heart, she posted about how hard it will be to have a "hoe phase" during a pandemic. FML

By Anonymous - 5/2/2021 00:30

Set phasers to stun

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Today, my wife threw up in the middle of sex, then fell asleep right after. I didn't even finish and it'd been over a month since the last time. FML

By Anonymous - 3/2/2021 01:01 - Mexico - Iztacalco

That's… sexy

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Today, I received my first dick pic from my boyfriend. Problem is, we broke up 3 weeks ago and his next message said, "Oops, sorry, wrong person." FML

By Anonymous - 2/2/2021 14:01 - Australia

Thanks, I hate it

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Today, after we had sex for the first time, my boyfriend shouted, “Huzzah! My genes will live on!” We used a condom. FML

By Anonymous - 2/2/2021 00:30

Not a biology major

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