Cats, the best funniest jokes

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Today, my cat was incessantly meowing trying to get me to wake up and feed him. Because it was 6 a.m., and I'd hardly slept at all last night, my brain decided that the best solution to get him to shut up would be to hug him. The result was a normally docile and lazy cat giving me a nasty scratch next to my left eye. FML

By Anonymous - 25/3/2021 08:01

Cujo, but for cats

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Today, I was going to be sick, so I ran to the bathroom. When I got there, I fainted, and fell back against the wall. When I came around, I immediately vomited all down my body, in my hair, and all over the floor. My cat judged me. FML

By Heather Scurfield - 21/3/2021 10:59

Stomach bug?

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Today, I bought my sister a bunny and all it does is try to bang my cat, and shit and piss in my room to mark its territory. FML

By trex_life - 14/3/2021 20:00

Chill out, Bugs

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Today, I was in the middle of my workout when my cat meowed so loudly, it startled me into dropping a 50-pound weight onto my foot. FML

By crushed - 10/3/2021 14:00

Thanks little buddy

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Today, I discovered that my old roommate had left a full bag of cat litter on my porch and all over my yard. FML

By Dez Johnson - 7/3/2021 11:01

New or used?

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Today, I was awakened at 5:30 a.m. Did my dog need to go out? No. Did my alarm go off? No. My neighbor's asshole cat was on my window AC, scratching at my window, before pissing on the AC and jumping off. If I turn it on, my bedroom will reek of cat piss. The high today will be near 90. FML

By Anonymous - 5/3/2021 15:30 - United States - Alachua

Purr Evil

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Today, my cat jumped into my lap and sat on my headphone cord. I tried to get it out from under her by pulling on it. Big mistake. My cat is now eyeing the cord and will attack it if I move it again. I have expensive headphones and the cord is not interchangeable. FML

By Anonymous - 1/3/2021 02:01 - United States - Great Mills

A new enemy

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Today, at 2 a.m. I heard a noise coming from the living room. I thought somebody must be breaking in, so I had to save my cats. When I opened the door, all I could see was the only plant I owned, all over the room. The cats just greeted me with a friendly purr, like they were happy I was joining them in their sandbox. FML

By Anonymous - 24/2/2021 17:01 - Netherlands

Night terrors

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Today, I was enjoying my dinner by my patio window when I spotted a cat roaming through my backyard. As I observed it explore my yard, I also watched as it climbed onto, then took a piss on the freshly clean clothes I had left to dry. FML

By Carrie - 23/2/2021 21:30

Bad boy!

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Today, my cat jumped on my chest while I was sleeping and head-butted my nose to show she loves me. It was hard enough to crack it. FML

By Anonymous - 8/2/2021 05:01

Metal Cat

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Today, our cat doesn’t care much whether she gets into my room or not. Except at about 3 a.m. each night. That’s the time she sits outside the door, meowing to be let in. FML

By Anonymous - 24/1/2021 17:01 - Germany

Catflap time

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Today, our cat is in heat. Her male counterpart is sitting outside my bedroom door, serenading her loudly, and has sprayed his piss all over the house, making sure she cannot escape him broadcasting his availability. FML

By Anonymous - 18/1/2021 20:01

Neuter your pets

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Today, I think my cat is getting high. Whenever she finds her drug of choice, she sniffs it, then rolls around in it, purring ecstatically. Typical catnip reaction, right? Wrong. It’s my dirty underwear she's into. FML

By Anonymous - 8/1/2021 17:01 - Germany - Zittau

Baby's high

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Today, my geriatric cat apparently leaked a little before he got to the litter box because when I went to use the bathroom, I slipped on the puddle. My left foot slammed into the kick panel of the cabinet and now my second toe is purple, swollen and tender. I may have broken my toe by slipping on cat piss. FML

By Tony - 2/1/2021 08:01 - United States - Dearborn

Cats rule the world

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Today, I came home from the hospital after six days. Despite having a cat sitter, they managed to shit on the bathroom floor and pee on my bed in protest for being gone too long. FML

By Anonymous - 31/12/2020 20:02 - United States - Stamford

Where were you?

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Today, my mom’s house has several comfortable places to rest in every room. For the cats and dogs, that is. Unfortunately for me, I'm a human. FML

By Anonymous - 29/12/2020 08:03 - Germany - Ebersbach

Preferential treatment

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Today, despite having the choice of several bowls of clean water in the house, as well as puddles and ponds outside, my cat was drinking out of a pot I was soaking in the sink. She doesn’t seem to mind the taste of dish soap. FML

By Anonymous - 28/12/2020 05:01

Tasty

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Today, I discovered a cat turd in a bath towel from most recent batch of laundry. I was wondering why my facemasks for the whole work week smelled so strange. FML

By Anonymous - 23/12/2020 02:01

Because I'm worth it

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Today, I jumped when, after being home alone for days, I suddenly saw the door handle move. Apparently, the cats weren't happy about being locked out of the kitchen and were pretty close to figuring things out. FML

By Anonymous - 19/12/2020 16:58 - Germany

Haunted house

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Today, I woke up to a cat licking my face. I don't have a cat. I quickly put the cat out the front door and went back to sleep. When I woke up later, I remembered that I had agreed to take care of my sister's cat for a week. I looked out the door, but the cat is nowhere to be found. FML

By introublenow - United States - Tallahassee

Whoops

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