Parenting, the best funniest jokes

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Today, my mother told me to my face that if she could do it all over again, she wouldn't have had kids. Thanks, Mum. It's not like I asked to be born. FML

By Hangryko - 11/5/2021 08:01 - Canada - Kitchener

As a matter of fact…

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Today, I was at my mom's when I suddenly doubled over in pain. It was so bad that I begging to be taken to the hospital, just when her dog started coughing. She immediately ran to her dog, asked if she was OK, saying that she hates to see anyone she loves in pain. I sat there hunched over in disbelief. FML

By iappreciatethesentiment - 9/5/2021 17:01

Help! I need somebody!

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Today, my mom strictly banned me from doing any of my chores, because I missed a spot while wiping the counters. She then screamed at me for not doing my chores. When I went to go do them, she screamed at me for doing my chores when I’m not allowed. I can’t win here. FML

By lostkid - 9/5/2021 08:01

Psychotic

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Today, after I went to live with my biological mom, after she convinced me she’s been off drugs while I was living with my grandparents, she gave me one of two puppies she'd bought as a gift. Then she got arrested. Turns out she stole said puppy. Some things never change. FML

By Anonymous - 8/5/2021 13:59

Doggy dog world

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Today, my mother is still insisting it must have been my fault that my husband beat me into a coma for 5 weeks, because he’s such a "nice boy from a good family" with a really successful career, so it must have been me who provoked him into it. She keeps trying to get us back together. FML

By Red curtains - 3/5/2021 11:01

Great support, mom

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Today, after 6 months of my baby sleeping 10 hours through the night, she's now going through sleep regression a week before I return to work. I'm now getting about 3 hours of broken sleep per night. FML

By Anonymous - 2/5/2021 19:01 - United Kingdom

Hush

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Today, it’s been a week since my dad has decided I’m only allowed to sleep with my door open. Guess how long it’s been since I’ve slept. FML

By kikajsns - 29/4/2021 07:59

His house, his rules?

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Today, after a year of staying at home, I finally went out. I had a panic attack and couldn't breathe, so my mum decided to scream at me and slap me so I'd become "normal". FML

By VeryLoved - 28/4/2021 19:01 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Great parenting

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Today, my partner and I were both horny at the same time. I entertained our 3 kids while he jerked off, then he entertained them while I went and masturbated. We live together and this is the first time we’ve been horny at the same time since Christmas, because we’re both so exhausted. FML

By Anonymous - 25/4/2021 23:00

Our little bundles of joy

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Today, after my boyfriend of three years and I had our first child together last year and he was so hands on, now when I ask him to help with the baby he tells me I’m the primary carer, and that he’s not ready to be a dad. FML

By Anonymous - 21/4/2021 23:01 - Australia

Great job, dude

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Today, after I can't count how many times, my boyfriend of 5 years decided to break MORE things in our home, because I asked him not to let our son speak to me rudely. His response, "He said 'OK' so you should have shut up." Basically, he's raising my kid to treat me like he does. FML

By Anonymous - 21/4/2021 15:30 - United States - Durham

Get out of there!

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Today, my mom is furious that I won’t let her babysit my kids anymore. Twice they’ve come home with vomiting and diarrhea after she let them eat nothing but desserts the entire day. Her excuse? Grandmas are supposed to spoil their grandkids. Spoil, not give them diabetes. FML

By good mama - 18/4/2021 04:59

Spoiled

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Today, I asked my 18 year-old daughter to buy half a dozen donuts. When she brought them over, I opened the box and discovered the dozen donuts were all cut in half. She just got accepted into a prestigious private university. FML

By Anonymous - 13/4/2021 23:00

They'll have anyone these days

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Today, one of my fourth-graders came up to me and asked, "Can you please not put my test grades in the weekly folders? My mom likes to get mad when I get below a 90." FML

By Anonymous - 13/4/2021 10:59 - United States - San Diego

Nice parents you've got there…

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Today, I broke my toe and screamed, "Fuck!" My mom heard and yelled at me for swearing, while I laid on the floor in pain. FML

By elly - 8/4/2021 14:00

Priorities

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Today, I was called a whore by my own parents, simply because I’ve never had a relationship that lasted longer than a month. Everyone I’ve ever dated has dumped me. FML

By mere - 6/4/2021 21:30

Nice parents you've got there

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Today, my parents wouldn't stop making fun of my shy bladder by camping out in front of the bathroom door while I’m trying to pee. As a result, I haven’t peed in 10 hours and my bladder is going to explode. FML

By sarah - 28/3/2021 20:00

Just a prank, bro

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Today, my daughter informed me that, in order to train the dumb out of her brother, she’s gonna slap him whenever he says or does something dumb. She’s slapped him 8 times already and unfortunately, each slap was justified. My boy is dumb as a box of rocks. Hope the slapping helps. FML

By Momma - 26/3/2021 13:01 - United Kingdom

Parent-sanctioned violence

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Today, my wife refuses to admit our 13-year-old son has no chance in hell of getting into college. He never got more than an E or an F on his exams, routinely misspells his own name, can't remember our address and I just watched him spend 10 minutes looking for his lost hat which, by the way, was on his head. FML

By Unproud daddy moment - 19/3/2021 16:00 - United Kingdom

Pride and joy

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Today, I found out my son's dad stole his unemployment card and took the money. My son was homeless at the time and using his dad's address for mail. FML

By Anonymous - 17/3/2021 19:30 - United States

Parenting in 2021

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Today, as always, I have autism and it is physically painful for me to make eye contact. I read that you can solve this by looking at the person’s ears or nose. Except my mom can somehow tell when I’m doing this, and she yells and screams at me for not looking her in the eye. FML

By kat99 - 15/3/2021 21:30

Great parenting, mom

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Today, my son asked if there was a way to make parenting easier. I sarcastically told him he could be a deadbeat who sees his kid every two weeks. He must have thought I was serious because he broke up with his girlfriend and baby, turned up at my door expecting to have his old room, and told my wife it was my idea. FML

By Martin - 15/3/2021 17:00

People don't always get sarcasm

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Today, I told my mom I was leaving early to give my boyfriend a ride to work. She asked me why on Earth I’m even attracted to someone who doesn’t have a car. FML

By mira - 13/3/2021 17:01

Values

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Today, once again, my mom ranted about how she sacrificed so much for me by moving to a better city. I said it was for my education and to stop making me feel like a burden. She scoffed, "Right, you never should've been born. My mistake." FML

By Burden - 12/3/2021 06:31 - India

Supportive

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Today, my wife told me the only reason she doesn’t want kids is because she requires privacy to poop. That’s it. That’s the dealbreaker. FML

By Jake - 10/3/2021 23:00

Relatable reasoning

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Today, my teenage daughter insisted it was my job to take down the tray full of empty dishes, because I was the one who had carried it upstairs. Sound logic, so far. Why had I carried the tray upstairs? To serve her breakfast in bed. FML

By Anonymous - 4/3/2021 11:01 - Germany

Ungrateful

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Today, I learned I will hand my daughter off to a complete stranger in order to provide help during an emergency situation. I don't know whether I feel proud to be someone who steps up in the moment, or mortified and ashamed that I gave my kid to a bystander so easily. FML

By Anonymous - 2/3/2021 14:01

Be the hero

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Today, five years after the birth of our last child, my husband still hasn't gotten the vasectomy he swore he would get. He wouldn't let me get my tubes tied, because it was "the least he could do," but when I ask about it, I'm a nag. FML

By Anonymous - 2/3/2021 05:01

Men and their balls

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Today, after a lifetime of struggles, I was finally officially diagnosed with ADHD. Thanks to years of ridicule, punishments, humiliation and even beatings over something I literally could not control, I also have terrible depression and anxiety. My mom still thinks I’m making it all up. FML

By Atypical - 2/3/2021 02:01

Mother of the year

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