Parenting, the best funniest jokes

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Today, after months of not wanting anything to do with her dad, my three-year-old was over her phase. During dinner, I play-shoved my husband and he did it back. Our daughter saw him and now keeps saying, "It’s not nice to push mommy." We’re back to square one. FML

By Anonymous - 14/1/2021 14:01

Taking sides

623

213

Today, my dad forced me to leave my empty shopping cart in the middle of a store, rather than return it to the corral. My dad’s word is law, and all I can think about is how much of an asshole I am. FML

By May - 10/1/2021 20:01

Cart Narcs will get ya!

715

161

Today, my husband told me, "Your job is easy! You do nothing but play and have fun with children all day." Mind you, I'm a toddler teacher and have 10 children in a day. When I come home from work, he complains he’s tired because he was watching our only child who's a toddler. FML

By Anonymous - 9/1/2021 17:01

Can't compete

1069

Today, my dad threatened to hit me if I didn't tell him what I had in my homework. He thinks I won't keep secrets from him this way. There's a reason I kept secrets in the first place. FML

By Anonymous - 8/1/2021 05:00

Abusive

812

Today, I told my husband I might want a baby, so he took me to visit his best friend who has a toddler and we stayed for an hour. I no longer want a baby. I want the pill wrapped in 2 condoms and a joint vasectomy/hysterectomy paid for with my non-baby disposable income, and my husband now has a shit eating grin. FML

By Newgenmom - 18/12/2020 19:02 - United Kingdom

Not for me

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1029

Today, my mom made me shovel our long driveway, as it had just snowed a couple of inches. It took me two and half hours to finish. She came out and said, "Wow, is this really the best you can do?" FML

By Anonymous - 18/12/2020 01:08 - United States - Cleveland

Grateful

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Today, my alcoholic dad finally came to see to my last dance recital after years of never showing up to watch me. He got kicked out of the audience for snoring too loud. I could hear him from the stage. FML

By Anonymous - 17/12/2020 22:58 - Canada - Newmarket

Bored

1013

Today, my dad told me that I'm nothing but a burden because I can't work, and disability is worth nothing. It's not my fault I ended up in an abusive foster home that left me with spinal cord damage. FML

By Etherealskye1023 - 14/12/2020 11:01 - United States - Douglassville

Great parenting, dude

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Today, my mother decided that I'm a complete sociopath and that I don’t care that my grandmother just died. Why? Because I haven’t lost my appetite. My grief response is to eat. FML

By lu… - 8/12/2020 08:02 - United States - San Jose

Monster!

816

Today, I found out in addition to the ADHD teenager they scream at, my boyfriend's parents are planning on getting a monkey. I work at an animal shelter, so now I'm obligated to have a long conversation with them about what a crap idea that is. FML

By Monkeys aren't pets - 7/12/2020 23:04 - United States - Millersville

Is that even legal?

731

Today, my dad called me a "worthless human being", and told me that I'm "better off committing crimes and living life in a prison cell", all because I haven't gotten into the industry I studied for right out of college. I'm currently at a temp job doing accounting. FML

By Kohsukeff - 6/12/2020 20:02 - United States - Gig Harbor

Overreact much?!

875

Today, my mother, who thinks I'm a virgin, called me while I was having sex with my boyfriend. I have to answer every time she calls or she freaks out. I ended the conversation quickly and hung up. Or so I thought. She listened in to the rest of our 20-minute lovemaking session, and I have some explaining to do. FML

By SoDead - 5/12/2020 04:01 - United States - Center Point

Overbearing parents are the worst

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1184

Today, my only daughter and her boyfriend sat me down for an important talk. I was thrilled, thinking they were engaged or pregnant. They actually wanted to tell me they're moving half way around the world. FML

By Lonely - 5/12/2020 07:58 - Netherlands - Utrecht

You're Gonna Miss Me When I'm Gone

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