Work: Today, my boss fired me via text message. I don't have a text...

By maxthndr - United States

Today, my boss fired me via text message. I don't have a text messaging plan. I paid $0.25 to get fired. FML

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Work

Serious times

Roommate from hell

Bunch of bankers, the lot of them

By Anonymous - 12/4/2020 20:00

Smooth

Today, I turned 30. I still can't grow any facial hair. FML

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By lisa321 - United States

Today, I went to Starbucks to get coffee. The employees told me that there was no more coffee. I started cursing at them and told them that I am in a really big hurry, and that I need coffee every day. They had been yelling back the whole time. Little did I realize, they were saying April Fool's. FML

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By Kellye - United States

Today, my father called me for the first time in two weeks since I moved away. Excited, I answered the phone. It was a mistake. He thought he'd called my sister. FML

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By Jules - 12/1/2021 23:07

Insurance is a scam: Tokyo drift

Today, if you have a job in my country, you automatically have health insurance. Without a job, you can get “voluntary insurance”. No, let me rephrase that: You are legally required to get “voluntary” insurance. Whether you can afford it or not. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Barrie

Today, on my first day at as a photo editor at a print store, I had to spend over an hour editing a full shoot of a fat man eating a baguette in a bathtub, closeups included. FML

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By fark - Ireland

Today, I slipped on a wet floor at the supermarket and busted my nose. It wouldn't be as embarrassing if I hadn't missed the "CAUTION: WET FLOOR" sign that I'd put there myself just 30 minutes earlier. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Medina

Today, I woke up on my boyfriend's bedroom floor. When I asked him why I was there, he said I'd gotten too hot, so he rolled me off his bed. I have the flu and a fever. FML

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By verasam01 - United States

Today, I took a picture of myself and put it on Facebook. After I did so, I realized that in the background, you can see my crush's Facebook page up on my laptop. He tagged himself. FML

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By bjfail - United Kingdom

Today, the guy I have been seeing stopped me in the middle of sex and told me to finish him off by going down on him instead. After a few minutes, I looked up to discover that the noises I had thought were moans of pleasure were actually the sounds of him snoring. FML

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By mrsimintrouble - United States - Redding

Today, my first day on the job, I locked up the office after everyone left and set the alarm. An hour later, my new boss angrily emailed me that I locked him inside the building, setting off the alarm and prompting the entire police department to show up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - South Sioux City

Today, I told my family I was divorcing my husband. My little sister asked if "we can keep him instead". FML

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2020 08:00 - United Kingdom - Aldershot

Welcome to the world!

Today, I helped deliver the baby belonging to the woman my husband left me for. FML

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By exnotwelcome19 - United States

Today, my mom told my abusive ex-boyfriend, whom I broke up with 5 days ago, that he is always welcome at my house. She "misses him". FML

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By cnkk07 - United States

Today, my dad used the stove to boil water. Unfortunately, he turned the wrong burner on, setting the smoke alarm off. What's worse was the smell of burning plastic that came from the coffeemaker being melted down. It's been over an hour, and my eyes still burn like hell when I walk into the kitchen. FML

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By jsquared - United States

Today, my twin sister sent a nude picture to her boyfriend, who then forwarded it on to everyone else. Everyone else thinks it's me. FML

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By Charli

Today, after months of my (now ex) boyfriend telling me he wished I was blonde with big boobs, I finally retaliated with "I wish you were a redhead with a big dick, but you don't see me complaining." He cried and said I should love him for who he is. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to convince my nine year-old brother to stop using my biology textbook as a masturbatory aid so I could actually get some studying done. FML

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By gunnar

Today, my family and I went to Olive Garden. Due to my autism, I sometimes have a nervous tic, which presented itself while I was looking at the menu. I would have appreciated it if my mom hadn't then screamed at me to stop in front of the entire restaurant. FML

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By NotSteve - United States

Today, I was walking home from when I passed an old woman sitting on the curb of Walmart begging for change. I gave her my last dollar and felt good about it. Five minutes later I saw the same woman driving away in a car. I don't even own a car. FML

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By i believe in shaq - United States - Muskegon

Today, my husband announced that he was fed up with us being known as the neighborhood slobs, and prepared to take down all the Christmas decorations still up from last year. He then decided it was too much effort, and that he'd leave them up to give us a three month head-start. FML

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By wtbfiber - United States

Today, my stomach muscles are still sore from yesterday. Not because I was doing sit-ups or working out or anything, but because I have to work that hard to take a dump. FML

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By lolgarbl - United States

Today, I had a performance evaluation meeting with my boss. He told me I was the best in my department, and that the productivity has never been higher before I started working here. Oh, and he said that because everything is working so well, they don't need me as much, so he's cutting my hours. FML

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By younggrammy - United States

Today, my 14 year old daughter told me she's pregnant. I work as a public speaker for promoting celibacy and safe sex. FML

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By educatttiiioonnn - United States

Today, I made exactly 400 flashcards of my vocab that I had to memorize. It took me over 3 hours to make them and hours to remember them. Proud of myself, I showed them to my friends. Then my friends notified me I had memorized the wrong section. FML

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By shamed - United Kingdom

Today, my father met my boyfriend for the first time at dinner. The only thing he said to him the whole evening was, "Are you circumcised?" FML

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By rinakitty94 - United States - Sunset

Today, my fiancé heard I was having a rotten day at work. He stopped by the flower shop and bought me a lovely rose which I put right next to my work station. That is until a giant wasp flew out and stung me. I still have a swollen arm hours later. FML

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By JefferyT - United States

Today, I was taken to my first session with my psychiatrist. The entirety of the facility, from the waiting room to the doc's office was decorated with dead butterflies in glass. I was there for my crippling mottephobia, the irrational fear of moths and butterflies. FML

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By thegoldenboy3 - Spain

Today, I'm in Spain, and told the kids with whom I will be working that I was excited to be working with them. Only the form of excitement I used apparently refers to sexual excitement. Basically, I told the kids I was sexually aroused to be working with them. FML

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By sickkid - United States

Today, I found out that my dad hides his Viagra from my mom by keeping it in an Aspirin container. Now I have a terrible headache and a boner. FML

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By independant - United States - Corvallis

Today, my son turned 18. He now calls me by my first name instead of "dad" and refuses to stop. FML

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By catlover - Australia

Today, my cat kept sneezing all morning so I took her to the vet. $150 later and the vet says she's fine. I get home and the noise starts up again. My automatic air freshener spray sounds just like my cat sneezing. FML

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By now what - United States - San Leandro

Today, my husband came home with a Christmas gift from a coworker. It's the same thing I got him. FML

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By Lonely School Kid - Canada

Today, I found out why I was always picked up last from school. My parents didn't want the other parents to find out I was their kid. FML

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By Anonymous

Bad friends

Today, I was hanging with my friends when out of the blue, I got thirsty. Friends said there was Gatorade in the fridge. Being the trusting person I am, I took a drink, only to discover it was piss. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I cracked a rib coughing. FML

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By JellitonOctopus - United States

Today, I received a package from an unknown address. Inside were doll heads and cigarette butts. FML

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By HappilyNeverAfter - Canada - Port Perry

Today, a guy asked me out, and I felt butterflies in my stomach. I soon realized that it wasn't butterflies, but an unexpected bowel movement. I stood there awkwardly, looking him in the eyes, then farted hard. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while working at a pizza place with my girlfriend, I called my boss to tell him we were short on sausage. Under her breath I heard my girlfriend say, "sounds like somebody I know." FML

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By notyourmom - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boyfriend asked if I could grow out my pubic hair since I usually wax it. He said his mom has a full bush and he always thought it looks better that way. FML

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By Nish - United States - Kent

Today, I got my cats a new scratching post. They completely ignored it and tore apart the new felt on my pool table. FML

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Top comments

By ArbiterOfFML | 24

#7479946 - Wednesday 5 July 2017 0:38

FYL OP!

By Summerbabe Love | 15

#7604216 - Monday 26 February 2018 13:58

you could've been the one to help the girl get on the bus after she her quarter at her ex boyfriend

COMMENTS

By ArbiterOfFML | 24

#7479946 - Wednesday 5 July 2017 0:38

FYL OP!

Summerbabe Love | 15

#7604216 - Monday 26 February 2018 13:58

you could've been the one to help the girl get on the bus after she her quarter at her ex boyfriend