Today, my daughter falsely accused me of stealing and snooping through her diary. She later found out that I didn't, but is still angry and not speaking to me because I "made her think that I did." FML
Today, I confronted and accused my mom for the murder of my beloved pet squirrel, whom I raised by hand since it was a pinkie. She denied the allegation by calling it an idiot for not being peaceful. She actually believed that if she locked him and her cat in a cage together overnight, they would come out as friends. FML
Today, I was making egg salad for the week's lunches and told my son to come help. When we started peeling the eggs, he thought it was funny to roll them off the counter and ruin them. I shouted at him for being disrespectful and wasteful, and my wife screamed at me that, "He's just a little boy!" FML
Today, I wanted to kickstart my career as a dance teacher as part of a dance festival. I had my own performance and a kids group. I froze on stage and stopped dancing halfway. They had the wrong music and the kids stopped halfway. Overall, zero sign-ups so far. One rival literally smirked at me. FML
Today, I got home so exhausted after working a 24-hour shift that I stripped naked before peeing into the toilet, but forgot to take off my boxers first, so I was peeing into my boxers, and didn’t notice until I felt the heat running down my thighs onto the floor. FML
Today, I asked my parents and siblings to stop associating with my ex-wife because it's too awkward, even though we had a very amicable and peaceful divorce. They told me in no uncertain terms that she's still part of the family, whether I like it or not, and that I'm just going to have to deal with it. FML
Today, my dad and uncle were watching an old movie from our old country. A certain word was said, causing them to laugh out hysterically. When I asked, they said that having practically zero command of the language, and my age, I'd never understand. After doing intense and extensive research, I shouldn't have asked. FML
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