FML : Kids, Your everyday life stories

By RejectRaven - / Saturday 29 December 2018 04:00 /

Today, I got my 1 year old daughter vaccinated. My wife tried to leave me because she's "never felt more betrayed". FML

By jesus fuck - / Wednesday 19 December 2018 13:30 /

Today, my son was looking through old photos and showed me a picture of myself and asked who it was. When I told him it was me, he responded by saying "But mommy, the lady in the picture is not fat!" FML

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By WellThen - / Saturday 15 December 2018 06:30 / United States

Today, in a private discussion, my teenage son confessed to me he finally lost his virginity several weeks ago. Why did he confess? He came to me to ask why it all of a sudden hurts when he pees, and asked if it could have anything to do with it... FML...

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By clapping_for_you - / Friday 14 December 2018 12:30 /

Today, in the absence of my god-daughter's parents, I went in their place to see her elementary school's principal. She apparently stood up to a known bully's violence and retaliated, sending said bully to the hospital. Not only she may be facing expulsion, I may get sued by the bully's parents. FML

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By bully slayer - / Wednesday 12 December 2018 10:00 / Philippines - Pasay City

Today i found out that my newborn son, is not my son and my gf has been cheating on me for the past 4 years... FML

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By Relatedenergy - / Monday 10 December 2018 05:00 / Denmark - Holstebro

Today I picked my baby up from my babysitter's house. As I was getting him ready for bed, I saw blood and immediately went into a panic, rushing to the hospital and trying to contact her to see if my baby fell and she didn't tell me. Turns out it was just hot Cheeto dust mixed with drool. FML

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By dusty - / Thursday 6 December 2018 15:30 /

Today, my son begged me to take him to the doctor for the weeping bloody rash on his penis so I had to take an unpaid day off for his appointment. The doctor laughed us out the door after it turned out to be a good old-fashioned friction burn. FML

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By Anonymous - / Monday 3 December 2018 14:00 /

Today, despite my protests and warnings, my mother-in-law decided to chemically straighten my bi-racial daughter’s very curly hair. Hours later, not only is her scalp is raw and red, her hair is stringy completely fried and coming out in huge noticeable clumps. Fml

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By bald baby - / Sunday 2 December 2018 05:00 /

Today, I asked my husband to watch our kids while I cooked food for him. Apparently I asked in the wrong tone, because now he's pouting and won't eat. FML

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By lildale92 - / Thursday 29 November 2018 05:00 /

Today, I was tripped downstairs as a "joke" by my little brother. When I was yelling in pain from my broken arm, my mom was lecturing me to be thankful "one goddamn day a year". She also thinks I'm lying just to hide that I'm clumsy and my brother is innocent. He won't admit it. Happy Thanksgiving. FML

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By thankful - / Tuesday 27 November 2018 22:00 /

Today, I took my son to festival at a local church. He had a Nerf gun as part of his costume, but when I set it down to put something in my bag, someone walked off with it. We can't even go to a church function without running into thieves. FML

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By Anonymous - / Tuesday 27 November 2018 13:30 /

Today, my son decided he wanted roasted marshmallows. It would've been fine, except he put the entire bag into the oven I had preheating for pizza and caught it on fire. FML

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By Jen - / Monday 26 November 2018 07:30 / United States - Philadelphia

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about sex and I asked him if he had ever finished inside a woman. He looked directly into my eyes and said, "Babe... I have a son, remember?" Yeah, I forgot. FML

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By Superdumb - / Monday 26 November 2018 03:00 /

Today, I realized it isn’t my 5-month-old son who has the issue sleeping without me, it is I who cannot sleep without him. This is his first night in his crib and I can’t fall asleep. FML

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By MamaMia - / Sunday 25 November 2018 15:30 /

World

Netherlands

Today, I made a little girl cry. How? She saw my face, got scared, and ran away crying. I thought I wasn't that ugly. FML

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By MystalBlue - / Sunday 25 November 2018 13:30 / Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, I came home from a long business trip. I walked in the front door to see my house was a complete mess.The first thing my son said was "Did you bring pizza?" FML

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By Anonymous - / Saturday 24 November 2018 17:30 /

Today, I got several thumbtacks jabbed into me. Why? Because my cousin thought it would be a funny prank to superglue a bunch of thumbtacks to his nerf darts. My left forearm is still bleeding. FML

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By Everest - / Thursday 22 November 2018 14:00 /

Today, as a kindergarten music teacher, my principal came in to observe and evaluate me. I thought I'd gotten the hang of managing 23 5-year-olds, but it was a zoo the whole 30 minutes and I didn’t manage to teach anything. I'm not sure I'll be keeping this job. FML

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cacheson says more :

Yes, and after working on my classroom management strategies for younger kids my teaching is going much better now.

By cacheson - / Wednesday 21 November 2018 01:04 /

World

Philippines

Today, my mom's boyfriend's son stole from me again, this time it's my $4000 gaming laptop. I confronted them about it, and he ignored me as my mom yelled at me to "Grow up and quit my whining about toys!" When I told my buddy, he said to just beat him up. I would, if only he wasn't 10. FML

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By THAT'S THE LAST STRAW!!! - / Tuesday 20 November 2018 21:00 / Philippines - Pasay City

Today, my 4-year-old daughter asked me when I was going to be skinny like her daycare lady. FML

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By lyss - / Friday 16 November 2018 10:30 / United States - New Prague

Today, I told my son if he wanted the new internet password he had to clean his room. I then caught him disconnecting my laptop from the internet. Turns out he changed the password months ago and now if I want the new password he wants £50. I ended up paying. I'm actually proud of the sneaky sod. FML

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By Dana - / Friday 16 November 2018 15:30 /

Today, a few months after my son lost a canine tooth, he went to get a replacement fitted. He came home with his other canine tooth removed and both replaced by vampire fangs. Permanent vampire fangs in his mouth, where people can see them and judge me for being a bad parent. FML

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By Anonymous - / Tuesday 13 November 2018 13:30 /

Today, I was babysitting for a friend who develops software. After the baby was asleep, I was watching anime on my iPad. Turns out he created an app that alerts his phone whenever potential adult content streams through his internet. It was just an anime, but he's convinced I was watching porn. FML

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By Katz - / Sunday 11 November 2018 14:00 /

Today, I was told by my wife that we were going to be parents. We are both females. FML

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By Xandar - / Friday 9 November 2018 17:30 /

Today, my son turned 18. He now calls me by my first name instead of "dad" and refuses to stop. FML

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By independant - / Thursday 8 November 2018 08:30 / United States - Corvallis

Today, my youngest son's teacher surprised me with a box of diapers. Apparently my son told her I was pregnant, but I'm not. I had to explain to her I'm just fat. She apologized and felt awful, and told me to keep the diapers. My children are 5 and 7. FML

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By Liz0352 - / Thursday 8 November 2018 04:30 / United States - Bainbridge Island

World

Egypt

Today, while my 8-year-old was at school, I got a call saying that he shat and peed himself and then attacked a girl with his shit. FML

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By sicko - / Wednesday 7 November 2018 18:30 / Egypt

World

Canada

Today, I was sitting on my balcony at night when the house across from me had a light that started blinking. I know Morse code and the messages said, "Help, I am kidnapped." Naturally, I called the police, but it was just some bratty kid. I'm in trouble for wasting police time. FML

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By Anonymous - / Tuesday 6 November 2018 13:18 / Canada - Vancouver

Today, my daughter told me her tummy hurt, but I assumed she was lying because she hates visiting grandma. About 20 minutes into the car ride, she got excited and said, "Mum my tummy doesn’t hurt anymore!" About 10 seconds later the smell filled the car right up to the roof. It was diarrhoea. FML

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By Anonymous - / Tuesday 6 November 2018 05:00 /

FML

Nearly

Today I was going to bed with my wife and she was giving all the signs that she wanted to get it on. I rolled to her side of the bed and made my move....

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Today...I woke up only to find out that I had gotten so drunk the night before and taken home 3 guys. I don't know what happened but everything hurts....

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World

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Canada

Today, my girlfriend kept texting me while I was at work, insisting for hours that I leave early because she was so horny. After arguing with my boss and...

Australia

Today, I asked the guy of my dreams out to the cinema. After saying to me "It's a date!" I started booking tickets. He said, "Why are you booking two?"...

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Spicy

Today I found out why my inlaws hate me so much. Apparently my husband told his brother, who then told the entire family, he caught me cheating a while...

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Today, I slashed my ass open with a shard of glass. How? I was making out with my crush, and threw my glasses on the ground. I forgot about them when we...

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