Kids, Your everyday life stories

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Today, my 15 year old girlfriend called to tell me she is pregnant. Her dad is ex-military, and makes a point of cleaning his guns every time I go to her house. FML

By - 12/2/2020 14:00 - United States

Almost father

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Today, at midnight, I heard my son calling for his mom. I stopped by his room and asked him what was wrong? He didn't tell me. Instead, he said: "Oh, I don't need you." FML

By Anonymous - 6/2/2020 01:00 - Canada - Toronto

Just a dream

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Today, my daughter ran up to me and gave me a cup. She said it was lemonade that she made with her friend. When I took a sip, she giggled and ran back to her room. It was not lemonade. FML

By anonymous - 1/2/2020 20:00 - United States - Shawnee

Especially for dad

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337

Today, I found out that the reason I hadn't gotten pregnant yet was because my husband had a vasectomy after the birth of his son. He even had the nerve to continously tell me, "it'll happen soon, baby" and let me believe we were trying. FML

By - 31/1/2020 18:00

Selfish

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Today, I was shopping for socks and I went to look in the men's section. Dad said: "You don't want those, they are for men." I asked what the difference was? He looked around, and then leaned in and whispered: "Men have a penis!" FML

By Robyn_mori - 31/1/2020 05:00 - Canada

The difference

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Today, I found out my husband had bought my 1-year-old daughter a shirt that says "Birth Control Fail" in pink glittery letters. He even took her out in it while I was at work. FML

By - 27/1/2020 18:00

Glittery letters

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Today, while we had my husband's boss over, my 3-year-old son decided to burst into the living room naked and yell, "Mum, look! Penis!" and wiggle it around. FML

By Redbeard - 24/1/2020 05:00

Who taught him

2013

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Today, my girlfriend of four months asked me to babysit her four-year-old daughter. All went well, and she texted me to see how she was. I wanted to say “a little ornery”. My phone auto corrected ornery to horny. She didn't appreciate that her four-year-old daughter was a little horny from her boyfriend. FML

By Anonymous - 22/1/2020 01:00

Don't worry!

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Today, I left the living room for 3 minutes to make a coffee. When I went back, my 4-year old had found a permanent marker, God knows where, since I don't own a permanent marker. She'd then drawn on her face, the carpet, wall, sofa, both dogs and as an added bonus the TV screen. FML

By Anonymous - 21/1/2020 19:00 - United Kingdom

Parenting fail

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Today, my parents took me to a bar to celebrate my 21st birthday. They brought my little brother, but when the bouncer wouldn't allow him in, they made me wait outside with him while they went in for drinks. FML

By Anonymous - 10/1/2020 14:00

My 21st birthday

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Today, I got the results proving if my ex-girlfriend's kid was mine. The results came back negative and I can't have kids. This wouldn't be a problem if I didn't have 3 kids with my wife. FML

By Anonymous - 8/1/2020 20:00 - United States - San Francisco

Three kids?

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Today, I was out shooting pigeons with my brother. I decided to climb a tree to get a better view of where they were flying in from. As I perched on a branch and surveyed the skies, my idiot brother mistook me for a pigeon and shot me in the leg. FML

By WittyMoron - 8/1/2020 01:00 - United Kingdom

Shooting!

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Today, my kid told my wife he's been using the hand sanitizer under our bathroom sink. It's not hand sanitizer, it's a giant bottle of lube.

By sexlube - 1/1/2020 20:00 - United States - Kirkland

Hand sanitizer

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Today, I was sitting in a waiting room with my two-month-old son. A sweet little old lady came up to me and said, "Maybe if you knew how to keep your legs closed, you wouldn't have a baby at 15, slut." I'm 23 and married. FML

By jb123 - 29/12/2020 20:00 - United States - Rock Springs

I'm still young

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Today, my 8-year-old son decided to make some rice for lunch. When we had it, I noticed a horrid gritty taste. It turns out, he puts dirt in the rice to make "Dirty Rice". FML

By Dirtyrice - 24/12/2019 20:00 - United States - Albuquerque

Dirty rice

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Today, my ex started to talk to me again after 3 years. I've been in an amazing relationship for the last 2 years. She let me know she is taking me to court for child support. I didn't even know I had a kid. FML

By justagirl - 21/12/2019 14:00

Fatherlessness

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Today, my wife caught our six-year-old son peeing in the bathroom sink. He pulled his little stool up in front, that he uses to brush his teeth, and was peeing in the sink. When we asked why, he said that he wanted to pee like a man, "like we do at football games." My son is using our bathroom sink like a urinal. FML

By fml9124 - 21/12/2019 05:00

New urinal

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Today, after work I came home to find my sons trying to use my tampons as nerf bullets. FML

By aproudmom - 16/12/2019 20:00 - United States - Glen Head

Nerf bullets

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Today, my nephew grabbed my balls to wake me up at 4 AM. FML

By Bir - 8/12/2019 14:00 - Nepal

Early wake-up

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Today, my 4 year old daughter got royally annoyed at my uncle who won't stop surprise tickling her by poking her waist. When he went for another, she punched him square on the nose, making him a laughing stock. Not accepting that he got owned, he started preaching about child discipline to me. FML

By Shut up loser! - 2/12/2019 03:00

Not her fault neither mine

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Today, as I stepped out the door and heard it lock behind me, I realized I had forgotten both my keys and my baby inside. There's no other way in. FML

By Baddad - 24/11/2019 20:00

This is terrible!

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Today, my parents forgot it was my birthday. They ordered me to scrub the common bathroom, and when I asked if they remembered, my dad's reaction was "Oh! Really?" My mom's was "I thought that it was next week." What lovely parents I have. FML

By sigh - 18/11/2019 01:00 - Singapore - Singapore

Lovely parents

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Today, my youngest decided my phone needed a bath in the toilet. FML

By "lildale92" - 5/11/2019 02:00

So cute

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Today, my daughter's idea of a prank was taking all of our money and getting herself arrested. FML

By bail? - 29/8/2019 23:00 - United States - Omaha

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Today, my dad suggested I go back to my abusive, psychotic ex, who happens to be the father of my only child. He suggested this only so I can get pregnant again, and get more money back on my taxes. His "bright side" to this? At least my kids will have the same father. FML

By NotTodaySatan - 7/7/2019 16:00 - United States - Tempe

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Today, my 10-year-old son's friend googled his name and found breastfeeding pictures that I had put on a personal website when he was 2 days-old. Now he gets laughed at, and his friends all saw pictures of my breasts. FML

By Anonymous - 26/6/2019 06:13 - Canada - Vaudreuil

Be careful what you post on the Internet…

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Today, I was going to record a song I wrote for my dad, who I haven't spoke to in a couple of years. After getting things together, I called my mom to let her know I'd be doing this. She informed me he died. A year ago. FML

By Gore - 18/6/2019 21:13 - United States - Kansas City

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Today, my eight-year-old daughter refused to use the port-a-potty at the fair. She preferred to piss her pants. FML

By got to be kidding me - 2/5/2019 14:00 - United States - Cape Coral

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Today, I drove my toddler to a schoolmate’s birthday party at a chuck-e-Cheese an hour drive away, only to find out the party is tomorrow. FML

By LowOnGas - 2/5/2019 18:00

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