Today, as a kindergarten music teacher, my principal came in to observe and evaluate me. I thought I'd gotten the hang of managing 23 5-year-olds, but it was a zoo the whole 30 minutes and I didn’t manage to teach anything. I'm not sure I'll be keeping this job. FML

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cacheson Say more :

Yes, and after working on my classroom management strategies for younger kids my teaching is going much better now.

By cacheson - / Wednesday 21 November 2018 01:04 /

World

Philippines

Today, my mom's boyfriend's son stole from me again, this time it's my $4000 gaming laptop. I confronted them about it, and he ignored me as my mom yelled at me to "Grow up and quit my whining about toys!" When I told my buddy, he said to just beat him up. I would, if only he wasn't 10. FML

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By THAT'S THE LAST STRAW!!! - / Tuesday 20 November 2018 21:00 / Philippines - Pasay City

Today, my 4-year-old daughter asked me when I was going to be skinny like her daycare lady. FML

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By lyss - / Friday 16 November 2018 10:30 / United States - New Prague

Today, I told my son if he wanted the new internet password he had to clean his room. I then caught him disconnecting my laptop from the internet. Turns out he changed the password months ago and now if I want the new password he wants £50. I ended up paying. I'm actually proud of the sneaky sod. FML

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By Dana - / Friday 16 November 2018 15:30 /

Today, a few months after my son lost a canine tooth, he went to get a replacement fitted. He came home with his other canine tooth removed and both replaced by vampire fangs. Permanent vampire fangs in his mouth, where people can see them and judge me for being a bad parent. FML

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By Anonymous - / Tuesday 13 November 2018 13:30 /

Today, I was babysitting for a friend who develops software. After the baby was asleep, I was watching anime on my iPad. Turns out he created an app that alerts his phone whenever potential adult content streams through his internet. It was just an anime, but he's convinced I was watching porn. FML

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By Katz - / Sunday 11 November 2018 14:00 /

Today, I was told by my wife that we were going to be parents. We are both females. FML

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By Xandar - / Friday 9 November 2018 17:30 /

Today, my son turned 18. He now calls me by my first name instead of "dad" and refuses to stop. FML

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By independant - / Thursday 8 November 2018 08:30 / United States - Corvallis

Today, my youngest son's teacher surprised me with a box of diapers. Apparently my son told her I was pregnant, but I'm not. I had to explain to her I'm just fat. She apologized and felt awful, and told me to keep the diapers. My children are 5 and 7. FML

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By Liz0352 - / Thursday 8 November 2018 04:30 / United States - Bainbridge Island

World

Egypt

Today, while my 8-year-old was at school, I got a call saying that he shat and peed himself and then attacked a girl with his shit. FML

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By sicko - / Wednesday 7 November 2018 18:30 / Egypt

World

Canada

Today, I was sitting on my balcony at night when the house across from me had a light that started blinking. I know Morse code and the messages said, "Help, I am kidnapped." Naturally, I called the police, but it was just some bratty kid. I'm in trouble for wasting police time. FML

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By Anonymous - / Tuesday 6 November 2018 13:18 / Canada - Vancouver

Today, my daughter told me her tummy hurt, but I assumed she was lying because she hates visiting grandma. About 20 minutes into the car ride, she got excited and said, "Mum my tummy doesn’t hurt anymore!" About 10 seconds later the smell filled the car right up to the roof. It was diarrhoea. FML

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By Anonymous - / Tuesday 6 November 2018 05:00 /

Today, I asked my niece to house-sit because she acts very mature and sensible while her brother is an idle slob. Turns out the idle slob nephew is the mature one while the sensible niece actually likes to throw house parties. I found a used condom stuck to my ceiling. FML

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By Anonymous - / Sunday 4 November 2018 22:00 /

Today, I found out that my mother has been telling everyone that my fiancé and I are having a "shotgun wedding" because we plan to get married quickly. She didn't realize that means that the bride is pregnant, which I'm not. I have no idea what to do with the baby gifts I'm receiving. FML

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By Lady - / Sunday 4 November 2018 14:00 /

Today, my son watched some ridiculous Japanese cartoon about shokugeki cooking and is convinced he's the greatest cook ever by copying what happens in the show. He set fire to my frying pan, panicked, and dumped it in the ceramic sink, which cracked from the heat and flooded my kitchen. FML

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By sally - / Sunday 4 November 2018 12:00 /

Today, I got severe diarrhea in a public bathroom. I told my 6-year-old to stand directly outside the stall where I can see her shoes. She proceeded to inform everyone who came in that "Mommy has diarrhea." FML

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By lk07 - / Saturday 3 November 2018 05:00 /

Today, my mom decided she wants to try a new family bonding experiment: Being naked around the house for an entire week. She wants us all to eat dinner, watch tv, etc. completely naked. She says she will ground me and my siblings if we don't try it. FML

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By Whoops - / Friday 2 November 2018 14:00 /

Today, I found out my son has been sneaking out of his room at night to see his girlfriend. He's a fully-grown 23-year-old man with a job and his own car. He doesn't need to sneak out. What an idiot. FML

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By Anonymous - / Friday 2 November 2018 12:00 /

Today, my little sister got into my anime DVDs, probably thinking they were cartoons. She watched High School DXD, which isn't the best anime for a 6-year-old. Now she wants to be the Breast Dragon Emperor for Halloween and Dad is threatening to set fire to my entire collection. FML

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By Juggernaut Drive - / Wednesday 31 October 2018 05:00 /

Today, my parents announced they are adding a sister-wife to our very conservative Christian family. FML

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By herdopera - / Monday 29 October 2018 17:30 /

Today, I found out that my 6-year-old son was named after my wife's "Favorite Uncle" because he might also be the father. FML

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By DEDMan - / Sunday 28 October 2018 17:30 /

Today, my wife is out of the country so my daughter asked me for help. She'd tried waxing her "private bits" but it hurt too much so she left the strip stuck down there for nearly two days. I was so unable to handle the situation, I called my wife crying and begging her to come home and deal with it. FML

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By poor excuse for a father - / Saturday 27 October 2018 14:00 /

World

Philippines

Today, I was at the mall with my 7-year-old granddaughter. When we entered a clothing store, she pulled me back, saying loudly, "Grandma! This is 'Forever 21'! 'Currently 58' is down that way!" I blame my son for this little troll. FML

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By Damn millennials! - / Thursday 25 October 2018 23:45 / Philippines - Taguig

Today, my boyfriend bought me a vibrator for my birthday. Sounds sweet, right? Then he invited my 10/14-year-old cousins to our house. They surprised me in my room. While I was using it. FML

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By Ohgodhelpme - / Thursday 25 October 2018 03:00 /

Today, it's 3:42am and my son is crying because I won't let him play with his dirty diaper. FML

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By Angela17 - / Wednesday 24 October 2018 05:00 /

Today, my teenage son informed me that when he’s too lazy to walk to the bathroom, he uses the kitchen sink as a toilet. I use that sink every day to wash vegetables for my family's dinner. He doesn't see a problem with this. FML

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By Angrymom - / Monday 22 October 2018 22:00 /

World

Philippines

Today, one of my younger nephews had an epileptic seizure. My mom started to administer wrong treatments she learned from Google. Being a doctor, I told her she'll make it worse. She then told me to shut up because I'm inexperienced, saying that Google has been there longer than I've been a doctor. FML

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By you win again Dr.Google.... you win - / Monday 22 October 2018 18:00 / Philippines - Para?aque

Today, my 4 year old son excitedly asked me if he'd get to see drones at the zoo. He apparently thinks drones are living creatures. I guess I can go ahead and spend his college savings on shoes. FML

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By madessalarouge - / Saturday 20 October 2018 23:00 / United States

Today, I was watching a TV show with my 7-year-old niece. A scene came on where the main character was being tortured, and the one torturing him said "I'm gonna make you scream." Without hesitating, I said, "Oh, kinky." My niece turned to me and asked, "What does kinky mean?" FML

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By Lily Cakes - / Friday 19 October 2018 20:00 / United States - Clarksville

Today, while dropping my son off at the bus stop before school, I went to give him a kiss on the cheek. Then, before I was able to make contact, he jumped away, yelled "PSYCH!!!!" as loud as he could, and jumped on the bus. The kids all laughed at me and the other parents looked embarrassed for me. FML

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By anerdmom - / Thursday 18 October 2018 14:00 /

They are humans !

		Nickname
		alikkamb
		tayoume
		lolaaranda62
		Haemorrhage
		cocolgs
		Pascaline Merzlikine
		lovemydada
		anakim01
		Loic Labbe
		Ninjabsent

Game Ranking

End of game in

Zombie

#	Nickname	Bites
1	whatshername?!	630
2	MysteryGuitarMan	447
3	im365sostressed	7
4	CaseyR	4
5	peheim	1
6	pygmyfrog	1
7	pageelovelyy	0
8	ifckinghateurn	0
9	Basil_Balslamic	0
10	Spitsy	0
#	Total	1090

vampire

#	Nickname	Bites
1	newbiemalestr8	4081
2	BadAtPuns	1717
3	Ashamed_Sister	1000
4	abigiggles	220
5	hellsingthecreator93	183
6	Dave_Davington	135
7	EclipticaLibra	123
8	the_tofu	107
9	Vaella	81
10	Callyn	51
#	Total	8113

werewolf

#	Nickname	Bites
1	MrGoesNuts	1871
2	tinyme2	437
3	Taurus_ChicKa	50
4	thisisbutaname	45
5	Asham Petersheim	31
6	Neptune85	1
7	nancy3312	0
8	ЗАБЕРИТЕ 12 000 РУБ ЗДЕСЬ www.mnogodenehj.cf T6OUO	0
9	ЗАБЕРИТЕ 12 000 РУБ ЗДЕСЬ www.mnogodenegl.gq rzbRR	0
10	yourmom2007	0
#	Total	2435