Kids, the best funniest jokes

384

Today, I realised how much my family prefer my cousin than me. I love anime/manga, but my family never got involved, so it was very lonely growing up and I was bullied in school for it. Now I'm an adult, my cousin is into it, and they want me to take a interest in her so, "she has someone to talk and isn't lonely." FML

By Anonymous - 31/7/2021 19:01 - United Kingdom - Coventry

Weebs unite!

375

Today, I got called "useless" by my mother for not doing what she wants me to do. She also said that I've accomplished nothing, and that I can’t and never will. It’s barely 10 a.m. FML

By Anonymous - 28/7/2021 22:01 - Indonesia - Balikpapan

Tyranny

667

106

Today, my son rejected a job offer because it interferes with the streaming schedule of some Twitch dirtbag. He's 19. FML

By Anonymous - 27/7/2021 07:02

Grow up

818

156

Today, my boyfriend, and father of my son, announced that he’s leaving me for my best friend. His reasoning is that he feels bad that she’s a single mom. When I pointed out that by him leaving me, I’ll also be a single mom, he responded with, "But at least she has her pre-pregnancy body back." FML

By ConfusedAsf - 26/7/2021 08:03

How I met your step-father

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122

Today, I had to call the cops on my neighbor. I was heading off to work when I saw him actually shitting in our yard. The reason? They caught my dumbass rebel of a son on their security camera, shitting in their yard. FML

By shitty neighbor - 25/7/2021 10:01 - United States

Vengeance is mine

750

357

Today, I lied to a group of 8 year-olds about having a boyfriend. FML

By jennavankirk - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

You won't know him, he goes to a different school

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32228

Today, my baby kept me up all night, and I only got 3 hours sleep. Normal, right? He's not even born yet and I'm only 5 months along. FML

By Mum2be - 25/7/2021 02:01

Bumpy ride

711

164

Today, I visited my brother, and noticed that my 17 year-old nephew was being unusually cold and grumpy; a sign that he's having sensory overload. Because his parents are so loud, I knew they were responsible. When I confronted them, they responded by yelling at me and grounding him. Sorry, nephew, I tried. FML

By Anonymous - 24/7/2021 15:01 - United States - Steele

Sensory overload

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Today, my son asked me if a video of a flame on a computer actually gives off heat like a fireplace. He was serious. He's 17 and inexplicably has straight A's. FML

By omnomnom - 24/7/2021 06:01

Inexplicable

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Today, I had to ban my teenage son from taking his phone into the bathroom, not because he looks at porn, but because he’s so engrossed in the screen, he doesn’t aim while he pees all over the seat and sometimes the floor, without cleaning it up. He’s not incapable, just fucking lazy. FML

By Anonymous - 23/7/2021 19:59

Worst sniper ever

911

118

Today, I asked my mom to tell me how she met my dad, because after 15 years me and my dad are finally working on our relationship. My mom thought it was a good time to tell me he’s not my father, and that my biological father wants to meet me this week. FML

By Stephenstrange - 22/7/2021 13:59 - United States - Clinton Township

Family goals

1015

Today, thanks to my ex-husband's misogyny, my son is now convinced girls are inherently weaker and that if he had to, he could beat any woman in a fight, even if she was a trained martial artist or a soldier, because, "Men are the stronger gender." I can kick both their asses, husband and son. FML

By Anonymous - 22/7/2021 16:01

The Times They Are a-Changin'

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Today, my daughter's school is furious because we were 3 hours late picking her up. My son, who was supposed to pick her up, apparently accidentally fell asleep after masturbating himself to exhaustion, which is why when we finally got home he was asleep with his pants down, porn still playing. FML

By Anonymous - 21/7/2021 20:01

Wake up, boo

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Today, my son admitted to maxing out my credit card, gambling on a some scam website that a dumbass streamer was promoting. He's only 10. FML

By Anonymous - 21/7/2021 16:01

Stop the steal

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325

Today, I emailed out class requirements for the upcoming school year. I had to include, "No toys, no bottles, no pacifiers, and children must be fully potty trained in order to attend." At least 3 parents complained. I teach second grade, and none of them is special needs. FML

By ihateparents - 21/7/2021 14:01

Late bloomers

1032

Today, my soon-to-be step-daughter had as absolute meltdown at our rehearsal dinner, screaming that I ruined her family. Her parents were divorced 10 years before I even met him. Her mother was there because we’re friends. She’s 23 years-old. I honestly don’t know which one of us was more embarrassed. FML

By anonymous - 21/7/2021 00:01

Freakout

1174

Today, I took my 15-year-old daughter to our local shooting range for her birthday, as she requested. While she was setting up a target in front of me, I jokingly pulled the trigger and shouted, "Think Fast!" not realizing that the safety was off. I shot my daughter in the arm on her birthday. FML

By Anonymous - 17/7/2021 10:59

Gun control

145

3767

Today, my daughter expressed wanting to lose weight so I took her to a licensed dietician nutritionist to get her a healthy eating plan, and even made her an appointment with a personal trainer to get her on track. I walked in on her eating a whole box of laxatives, because "this way is faster." FML

By that’s not how it works - 16/7/2021 02:01 - United States

Fuck your "beach body" noise

1009

Today, while in line for my prescription, my daughter was interrogating the man behind us. I'm a single mother. She asked the man, "Do you think my mom is pretty? Want to go on a date with her?" When he told her he was married, she replied, "So? You can get a divorce." FML

By singlemom - 15/7/2021 16:01

Thanks for the help

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145

Today, I found out my mother would rather sleep than attend my soccer games, volleyball tournaments, or see me win any awards. However, she was present to see the dog get potty trained, filming the whole thing. FML

By Dina - 15/7/2021 14:01

Golden child

856

Today, when my husband told me years ago he wanted to parent just like his dad used to, I had no idea that meant helping with practical stuff like cooking and nappy changing, but otherwise ignoring our kid's emotional well-being and telling them to buzz off when they try to talk to him. FML

By Anonymous - 15/7/2021 00:01

Distant

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110

Today, my soon-to-be-ex-husband decided to bring our four kids over to tell them we were splitting up, and to make them choose who they want to live with, because "Mommy’s been a nagging bitch." He left out that the "nagging bitch" caught him having an affair the night before. FML

By Vivi - 14/7/2021 18:01

Asshat

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Today, I'm almost 30 weeks pregnant. I have to go in weekly for stress tests. Last night, I had a very stressful dream about leaving my 4-year-old at home alone, which stressed me out. FML

By annaT00many - 14/7/2021 14:00

Stressed out

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Today, I took my daughter to get the expensive pixie cut she’s been "dying" for. As soon as we got home, my husband burst into hysterical laughter and pointed out that she looks exactly like he did in high school. Now she’s sobbing and begging for either a wig or even more expensive extensions. FML

By now what - 13/7/2021 11:01 - United States

Manic pixie dream girl

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Today, my son has complex special needs, but apparently some of my deliberately ignorant relatives put no effort into learning more about his issues, and just call him "the retarded one" when they think I can’t hear them. FML

By Anonymous - 13/7/2021 18:01

Special family

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Today, I found a banana peel on the clean floor. My 4-year-old son said that he was playing Spider-Man and trying to slip. I picked it up and while walking to the kitchen garbage can, slipped on the actual banana. I slid across the kitchen floor, fell, and bruised my tailbone. He laughed. FML

By Anonymous - 13/7/2021 02:01

Cocobananas

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Today, my mom yelled at me because I didn't hear to her calls while I was listening to music. She told me she wouldn't trust me again, that I'm worthless. When I began crying, she told me that I was psychologically manipulate her. It's been like this all the time lately. I can't wait to move out. FML

By Anonymous - 12/7/2021 16:01

Time to say goodbye

946

Today, my mom found out about my brother smoking. She calmly discussed smoking with him. On the other hand, I got yelled at and made to do chores all day despite having a university exam, just because I knew about it but I didn't tell her, because I knew that I would get the short end of the stick. FML

By Anonymous - 11/7/2021 08:01

Chill out, Judy

904

Today, my wife finally let our kids stay the night at my mom's house, meaning we had our first night totally alone together in 6 years. She spent all night texting my mom for updates on the kids or on the phone to her sister, so I watched a film by myself then went to bed bored at 8:15 p.m. FML

By Anonymous - 10/7/2021 16:01

Helicopter parents

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