Kids, the best funniest jokes

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Today, my teenage daughter insisted it was my job to take down the tray full of empty dishes, because I was the one who had carried it upstairs. Sound logic, so far. Why had I carried the tray upstairs? To serve her breakfast in bed. FML

By Anonymous - 4/3/2021 11:01 - Germany

Ungrateful

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Today, I burst into tears when my 35 year-old cousin announced on social media she is going to be a grandma. Her 16 year-old son's girlfriend is pregnant. I am 33, single, and have been romantically invisible to everyone my whole life. I'm gonna die alone. FML

By Anonymous - 2/3/2021 15:30 - United States

Time to adopt a bunch of cats

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Today, my fiancée’s siblings kept calling me by her ex-boyfriend’s name. FML

By leogs23 - 2/3/2021 20:01

Force of habit, or just mean?

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Today, I learned I will hand my daughter off to a complete stranger in order to provide help during an emergency situation. I don't know whether I feel proud to be someone who steps up in the moment, or mortified and ashamed that I gave my kid to a bystander so easily. FML

By Anonymous - 2/3/2021 14:01

Be the hero

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Today, I overheard my mother-in-law say to her daughter "I can't wait for you to make me a real grandma." I'm pregnant with their first grandchild. FML

By Anonymous - 1/3/2021 05:01

Favoritism

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Today, my 14 year-old daughter threatened to run away. Why? We live in southern Arizona. In the last week, she's found a dead tarantula and a live scorpion in her bedroom. In a couple of weeks it will be rattlesnake season. She's not liking the desert much anymore, where even the plants want to hurt you. FML

By fml9124 - 1/3/2021 02:00

Animal lover

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Today, I found out I'm an uncle. Normally this would be great news, except I have spent the last 8 years thinking I was her father. FML

By Anonymous - 1/3/2021 00:30

Hi uncle, I'm dad

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Today, I finally had my doctor's appointment to get my tubes tied. I've been waiting for 2 years. Instead, I found out that my birth control failed and I'm pregnant. FML

By Anonymous - 25/2/2021 23:00 - Canada

Yeet it

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Today, I got a call from my husband, saying that he wants a divorce, he’s been seeing his colleague and that she’s more compatible to him. I’ve just given birth to out first child. He told me, "Aww, good luck with that." FML

By Julissa - 25/2/2021 00:30

Asshat

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Today, while trying to walk past my mother in the hallway, I hesitated because she suddenly moved to the side. She screamed at me for a solid five minutes about not being able to "predict her movements." And she wonders why I’m suicidal. FML

By minnie - 23/2/2021 04:58

#1 Mom of the Year

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Today, my neighbor yelled at me because her two kids got into my pool. They scaled a two-meter wall to get to my backyard. They used a tree in her yard that hangs over the wall. I guess I could install razor wire on top of the wall. FML

By fml9124 - 19/2/2021 19:58

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Today, I overheard a lady tell her child in a store that, “If you don’t stop crying, I’ll tell that guy over there to take you away.” She was referring to me. FML

By NinjaTurtle93 - 17/2/2021 21:30

Sketchy-looking dude

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Today, I told my mom my husband and I were considering having another baby. She said, "No!" about 30 times. Then later she texted me that she insists on no more kids. I guess I will never have that bonding moment with her. FML

By Anonymous - 17/2/2021 17:01

None of your business

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Today, I'm running on two hours sleep thanks to our new baby. My partner slept all night, and when I asked them to take over so I could have a nap, they ran to bed, saying that they needed to sleep. Why? Apparently, the baby noise woke them up "once or twice" and they needed the extra sleep more than me. FML

By Anonymous - 17/2/2021 14:01

Selfish tit

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Today, in the same conversation with the same person, I got chewed out because our kids want to spend more time with me than her, and also because the kids spend too much time with her and she can’t work from home effectively. Can anyone explain how that works? FML

By Anonymous - 17/2/2021 11:01

Cognitive dissonance

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Today, it's the third day in a row my roommate has woken me up with blasting music, after keeping me up late listening to him screaming into his Xbox headset. His kids ate the last of my food. I can't even take a shit without one of them barging in. His whole fucking family is a walking condom commercial. FML

By Looking4AnApartment - 16/2/2021 15:30 - United States - Bellmore

We're all in hell

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Today, I was written up for bringing my son to work. For safety reasons, bringing kids to work is strictly prohibited. I don’t have any kids. FML

By Anonymous - 16/2/2021 14:01

Ghosts!

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Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Why? Her six old likes me more than her. I hate kids. I stayed with her in spite of her son, because I love her. For some reason she thought I was going to leave her and take her kid with me. So she broke up with me first. FML

By Anonymous - 15/2/2021 17:01

Not the sharpest tool

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Today, I was texting my boyfriend while in the car with my family. He sent a particularly racy text, and my little sister happened to look over at my phone and then asked quite loudly, "What does anal mean?” FML

By Anonymous - 12/2/2021 23:01

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Today, my son told me he failed to get into the army, which I didn’t know he was trying to do. Apparently he thought playing Call of Duty non-stop counted as "experience" and that he’d become an officer rank straight away, despite being 10-stone overweight with the brains of a tree stump FML

By Harvey knicks grandad - 10/2/2021 21:58 - United Kingdom

Father of the year

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Today, I looked at cute baby clothes while my friend was in the check-out line at JC Penny. It made me want to cry. I'm almost 33, childless, and so unattractive I couldn't pay someone to be into me. FML

By Anonymous - 10/2/2021 12:01 - United States - Longmont

Don't Give Up

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Today, I found out my husband is having a baby. Too bad I'm not pregnant. FML

By sodonewiththis89 - 10/2/2021 13:59

Congrats!

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Today, working from home and to escape my own toddler, I moved my work area into the bedroom. Perfect timing for the neighbor's toddler to scream at the top of his lungs. All day long, underneath my bedroom. I just wanted some peace and quiet to work. FML

By Anonymous - 7/2/2021 11:01 - Canada - Mirabel

Fuck this pandemic

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Today, I realised my boyfriend is only nice to my son to make me happy. Turns out he hates children and will only do the minimum interaction with my 4-year-old son he can get away with, until he can fabricate an excuse to leave the room. FML

By Gemma - 7/2/2021 01:01 - United Kingdom

Kids are hard work

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Today, after they said being a dad is fun, after saying that you got to do things when you were a kid… Well now, I'm at the lost and found of the city, asking, "Have you seen my kid?" FML

By Matt Steele - 4/2/2021 14:01

Call the cops

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Today, I tried to prove a point to my six-year-old son who refuses to drink water from the kitchen sink in favor of from the bathroom faucet. I filled up two cups, one with the kitchen water and another with the bathroom water, thinking he wouldn’t tell the difference. He gagged on the kitchen water. FML

By elaine - 2/2/2021 21:01 - United States - Denver

Are you a wizard?

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Today, my husband took our 5-month-old to the doctor, who diagnosed him with a severe sinus blockage and referred us to a specialist. This is the third major health problem with our son that our husband has picked up before I did. My job? I’m a nurse in a paediatric clinic. FML

By Anonymous - 3/2/2021 01:56

Right under your nose

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Today, a 4 year-old saw me and started crying and screaming like heck. I mean, I knew that I didn't look good, but this is too much. FML

By Anonymous - 2/2/2021 21:30

It's the monstaaaaah

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