FML : Kids, Your everyday life stories

Today, I made the egregious mistake of going on RateMyTeachers. My students think that, while I'm a good teacher, I have constant "wardrobe malfunctions" and spill my "bloody ass tampons all over the place like a bitch". I teach 6th graders. FML

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By dysfunctional_ravenclaw - / Saturday 21 October 2017 08:00 / United States - Houston

Today, my husband gave our three-year-old son a lesson on life and death. He did this by slaughtering our pet chicken for dinner in front of him. My son has been crying for hours. FML

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By RIPJarJar - / Friday 20 October 2017 22:18 /

Cat Burglar!

Today, I found my lost cat. As I was hooking it up to a leash to get it in my car, a man approached and asked what I was doing. His kids alerted him that there was a woman stealing their cat from their front lawn. It was not my cat. FML

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By Aimee Lutz - / Thursday 19 October 2017 22:00 /

Not helping.

Today, my neighbor's pesky 7-year-old daughter, who is friends with the guy I really like, decided to help me with him. She used her phone to send him a picture of me. I was in the shower, completely naked and surprised. FML

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By child abused - / Thursday 19 October 2017 00:00 / United States - New York

Today, after extensive tests due to pregnancy-related issues, I've been told my diet must change. I can no longer eat salt, sugar, gluten, or meat, and lactose is questionable. The doctor hopes it will end after the birth. Seven months to go. FML

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By Anonymous - / Wednesday 18 October 2017 16:00 / United States - Indianapolis

Today, a DNA test proved that my 2-month-old daughter isn't mine. The real father is my girlfriend's husband, whom she married last year when she lied to me about going on a vacation. We've been together for three years and I never knew. FML

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By Richard - / Wednesday 18 October 2017 13:23 / United States

Today, I was blaring the radio to drown out the sound of the kids in the apartment upstairs. They then started jumping in time with the music. FML

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By Anonymous - / Monday 16 October 2017 23:15 /

Today, my 1-year-old son walked up to me with a disgusted look on his face. I could tell he had something in his mouth so I pulled it out. He'd been sucking on a piece of cat poop. FML

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By Anonymous - / Monday 16 October 2017 01:30 /

Today, my dad's face flushed when I introduced him to my new boyfriend. I live in a small town, and it turns out my dad recognized him. He's the secret child from an affair two decades ago. He's my half-brother. FML

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By anonymous - / Sunday 15 October 2017 01:30 /

Today, I offered to let my niece and brother stay at my apartment, as my brother was going through a rough divorce and had lost his job. After coming home from work, I found my niece had snapped all of my pencils and had ruined over ten years worth of artwork. FML

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By Anonymous - / Saturday 14 October 2017 20:00 /

World

Australia

Today, I learnt that my 2-year-old half brother is going to a private school while my brother and I go to a public school. My stepmom said it's for the best because "he's way smarter than you two are". FML

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By Anonymous - / Friday 13 October 2017 17:15 / Australia

Today, the only way my newborn sleeps is if I dance around with him strapped to me. Six hours and counting. FML

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By Lordofdance - / Friday 13 October 2017 16:00 /

Today, my mom borrowed my computer without my permission and downloaded a virus. I came home to a blue screen of death. She refuses to admit fault and pay for a new computer. FML

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By Anonymous - / Thursday 12 October 2017 20:00 /

Today, I learned how artistically talented my daughter is. Unfortunately, her favorite medium to work in is poo. FML

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By NooOOooOO - / Wednesday 11 October 2017 23:15 /

Today, I had to try to explain to my stepsister that it's inappropriate to ask to borrow my mother's wheelchair to dress up 'like a cripple' on Halloween. When I told her my mother would need the chair on Halloween anyway, she suggested we just carry her around for the night. FML

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By stupidstepsister - / Thursday 12 October 2017 05:00 / Australia - Canberra

Today, I went to my first ultrasound appointment. The daughter I was hoping for is actually going to be boy triplets. FML

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By Sam - / Tuesday 10 October 2017 16:00 /

Today, in the midst of an interview, I was asked what my best qualities are. I panicked and quickly responded that I can make a great Pikachu impression. They wanted to hear it. FML

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By Pika - / Monday 9 October 2017 01:30 /

World

Poland

Today, I became a father. I don't know how to tell my wife. FML

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By Timon Nowak - / Saturday 7 October 2017 21:45 / Poland - Grabownica Starzenska

Today, I was chilling with my boyfriend of 2 years when, out of the blue and with complete seriousness, he asked me if I want kids anytime soon. This wouldn't be odd if we weren't both 14 years old. FML

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By Anonymous - / Saturday 7 October 2017 19:00 / United Kingdom - Poole

Truthbomb

Today, I made my niece cry when I told her that snakes are just tails with faces. She won't stop. FML

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By DuckMan - / Saturday 7 October 2017 13:00 /

Today, I had an "accident" for the second time this week. I'm 21. I should not be having this problem. FML

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By Seriously - / Friday 6 October 2017 11:00 / United States

Today, I was crying after a bad day at work. As I walked down the street, a young boy in a minivan tried to get my attention. He kept saying, "Hi, hi, please wave!" in a sad voice. When I politely waved at him, I saw a group of kids in the van giggling hysterically and taking pictures of me. FML

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By Anonymous - / Thursday 5 October 2017 20:00 /

Today, I learned that my daughter will literally eat until she is sick to keep her father and brothers from getting her dessert. I also learned that my boys are sympathetic vomiters. All five of them. FML

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By castironstomach - / Tuesday 3 October 2017 20:00 /

Wild Child

Today, my daughter's quirkiness and eccentricities may have gone to a whole new level when her school faculty describes her as "no stranger to LSD". She's 5. FML

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By epic flash - / Monday 2 October 2017 20:00 /

Today, when I called my 2-year-old son over for a hug, he giggled and squealed as he ran over to me. He then stopped in front of me, punched me in my bollocks, and walked away quite happily whilst I was doubled over in pain. FML

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By "Omar Khalaf" - / Thursday 28 September 2017 01:30 /

Now I ain't saying she a gold digger...

Today, I was forced to sit silently through my 20-year-old daughter's wedding to a man who is 8 years older than I am. FML

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You deserved it

By Anonymous - / Tuesday 26 September 2017 19:34 /

Today, I had to explain to my 7-year-old son that it's not okay to smell others' "wieners". FML

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You deserved it

By nature - / Monday 25 September 2017 23:15 /

Today, I woke up extremely hung over on a friend's couch after a night of heavy drinking and partying. To my horror, I discovered that, in my drunken state, I'd allowed said friend's six-year-old daughter to trim my hair. I now have a bowl cut. FML

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You deserved it

By mushroomtop - / Saturday 23 September 2017 23:15 /

Today, my mom bitched me out in front of my friends because I had my first kiss at "such a young age". She's 15 years older than me. FML

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You deserved it

By MrDisgrace - / Sunday 17 September 2017 13:00 /

Today, I found my daughter playing on my phone. When I got it back, I saw multiple texts to my boss saying that I quit. FML

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By "GumStickExtraGmail" - / Thursday 14 September 2017 17:30 / United States - Arvada

FML

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Nearly

Today I went for dinner and bowling with a woman I met online. The Mexican food was great until my bowls started feeling it during our first game of bowling....

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Today my girlfriend dumped me over text. Literally 30 seconds afterwards my friend texted me freaking out because her crush asked her out. FML

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World

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Denmark

Today, a friend sent me a video of my boyfriend of 2.5 years and the girl I "shouldn't be worried about" on a date at the restaurant he claimed he hated....

Germany

Today, I have to defend my bachelor thesis, which took me 10 months to complete. Three weeks ago, a new technology was released that renders my entire...

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Photos

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Spicy

Today, I found out that I’m the only guy in my family that's circumcised. When I asked my parents why they did it, they told me that they wanted me to...

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You deserved it

Not helping.

Today, my neighbor's pesky 7-year-old daughter, who is friends with the guy I really like, decided to help me with him. She used her phone to send him...

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

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