Sex, the best funniest jokes

264

Today, I asked my 13-year-old son if he thought he was mature enough for a talk about "the birds and the bees." His response was, "They fly, so what? Why would I care?" FML

By Ken - 10/5/2021 20:01 - United Kingdom - Swindon

The Talk

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633

Today, my mom woke me up from a wet dream, because I was moaning too loudly. I'm a 32 year-old virgin. FML

By Anonymous - 8/5/2021 10:59 - China

You'll get some eventually

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Today, my girlfriend had one of her seizures during foreplay. She’s fine, but I’m not, she had my penis in her hand and while seizing she squeezed it so hard she ruptured some blood vessels on the inside. I'm now walking bowlegged and on medication to stop me getting erections that might cause more damage. FML

By Sam - 7/5/2021 02:01

Risky business

1619

Today, I'm 3 months pregnant and have seemingly started having sex dreams about other men. Last night, I had a passionate affair with an older man. Who was it? Joe Bastianich. FML

By Anonymous - 6/5/2021 22:01

Masterchef

580

141

Today, I was asking my best friend to tell me all the boys she’d had sex with, because I thought she had slept with my boyfriend. She accidentally said my dad. FML

By Anonymous - 6/5/2021 07:01 - United Kingdom - Dewsbury

Whoops

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449

Today, according to my wife, our life together is perfect. The only problem is that I no longer turn her on, haven’t for a while, so she wants my permission to have meaningless one-night stands with strangers on Tinder while carrying on with our perfect, sexless married life together. FML

By Julian - 5/5/2021 02:01

Perfect

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134

Today, I caught my wife trying to give herself oral sex. It was sexy and also kinda funny, so I offered to do it to her properly. She got explosively mad for some reason and actually threw me out. I’m writing this from my brother's spare room, wondering where I went wrong. FML

By Anonymous - 4/5/2021 02:01

How very dare you?

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Today, my 16 year-old nephew gave me advice on how to get laid. At age 30, I'm still a virgin. FML

By Anonymous - 3/5/2021 17:01

Soon…

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Today, I realized that I’m old, and that it’s been too long since I had sex or even masturbated. How did I notice? Because I tried to, and I found out I couldn’t comfortably spread my legs that far anymore. FML

By Anonymous - 1/5/2021 23:00

Getting on

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Today, after weeks of begging my boyfriend of almost two years to have sex with me, he told me to find someone else to fuck. FML

By theproblemboblem - 29/4/2021 14:00

Going well, isn't it

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Today, despite giving my sister a place to stay while she's in town for a funeral, she demanded I give a bedroom to her son to have to himself, because, "How am I supposed to have 'sexy time' with my husband with him in the room?" Everyone's sharing rooms, and no one's getting sexy time as someone literally died. FML

By Anonymous - 25/4/2021 08:01

Horndog

1267

Today, my fiancé decided that we shouldn't have sex before we get married. Even though we've been doing it for years. We can't get married right now due to Covid. FML

By Anonymous - 23/4/2021 23:01

Denied

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Today, I went on a date. I didn’t want to go to his house, but we all have needs. I told him I should leave because I needed my medication in the morning. Passed out. Woke up, had a seizure, then made him go to my apartment to get my meds. This was a first date. FML

By Anonymous - 23/4/2021 08:08

Great first date

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Today, I'm in a relationship in which the sex was great and constant at the beginning. Now it’s so quick, bad and inconsistent, it’s like going at it with a virgin who doesn’t even know how the clit works. FML

By Anonymous - 21/4/2021 15:00 - New Zealand - Auckland

Downhill from here

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Today, my husband’s been dropping hints he wants to open our marriage. When I got home, a couple of his coworkers dropped by "for drinks". They tried to initiate group sex and figured I just needed to be talked into it. I was so mad, I couldn’t throw everyone out fast enough, including him. FML

By wtf Homer? - 21/4/2021 00:30

Not into it

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Today, I tried faking an orgasm for the first time, because I thought it would be sexy for my boyfriend. He stopped to ask me if I was okay. I guess I'm not good at faking it. FML

By Anonymous - 20/4/2021 23:00

Bad actor

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Today, it's the fifth time this week alone I've attempted to explain to my boyfriend that I need more than just two minutes of foreplay to get horny. He tells me he's too tired, but is apparently not too tired to receive head and then have sex afterwards. FML

By Anonymous - 20/4/2021 11:00

Mr Selfish

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Today, my 5 year-old daughter and I had the displeasure of walking in on my husband going down on another woman. I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that it’s been 2 hours and my daughter won’t stop bawling, or the fact that my husband threw the biggest fit, because I “had to come home too early.” FML

By Matasha - 19/4/2021 23:00

In flagrante delicto

1916

Today, a guy propositioned me for a threesome with his girlfriend. I don't know what's worse, the fact that he's knows I'm gay and have a boyfriend, or the fact that his girlfriend is my sister. He seemed confused as to why I turned him down. FML

By Dude wtf - 19/4/2021 02:02

Indecent proposal

1229

Today, after months of successfully taking strides to boost my long diminished libido, I found out my girlfriend, who always had a healthy sex drive, has now lost hers. Oh, how the tables have turned. FML

By Bill Mantie - 18/4/2021 02:00

Turntables

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100

Today, my roommate walked in on me going down on my girlfriend in our shared living area. She was embarrassed for about 20 seconds, then pushed my head back down and told me to keep going until he comes back. FML

By Anonymous - 16/4/2021 17:30 - United States - Chicago

Sounds like a keeper, actually

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Today, I woke up naked in my best friend's roommate's bed. We had sex and I puked on the bed. My first sex in over a year and I don't remember a thing. FML

By Anonymous - 16/4/2021 16:59 - Netherlands

Couldn't have been that great

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Today, we’ve been unable to have sex for months due to my boyfriend’s health issues. I would never EVER cheat on him; however my unconscious mind has other ideas. I’ve dreamt of kinky sex with everyone from the maintenance man to gettin' freaky with detective Stabler. I’m so horny I’m gonna burst. FML

By horny I’m so horny - 15/4/2021 17:00 - United States

Frustrating!

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Today, it's been two weeks since my girlfriend of many years and I decided to take a short break from each other. We'd been fighting a lot and felt like some space would help the situation. I found out today that, at some point during those two weeks, she decided to go and have sex with my (now ex) best friend. FML

By Anonymous - 13/4/2021 17:01

We were on a break!

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Today, marks almost two years of being sexually inactive after being widowed. It also happened to be the day I made an uncharacteristic decision. I hooked up with a male friend. I'm so out of practice, I honestly believe round-two the next morning was out of pity more than actual interest. FML

By Staywidowed - 8/4/2021 23:00

Give it your best shot

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Today, my boyfriend hasn’t asked for sex in a while, like months, and when I asked him about it he admitted that every day I shout at him, snap at him or act bitchy about anything not his fault, he has a wank and goes to sleep rather than bother asking me for sex. FML

By Passive ass aggressor - 8/4/2021 02:00

Cranky

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Today I’ve been called a prude, a misogynist, a controlling bastard and worse all because I have a problem with my girlfriend masturbating for strangers online. She has an OnlyFans and I hate it. FML

By not a fan - 7/4/2021 08:00 - United States

Sex workers unite!

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Today my girlfriend actually moved during sex. I love her, but she's so awful in bed. FML

By Anonymoys - 6/4/2021 23:30 - United Kingdom

Talk to her!

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Today, I was recording a video on Snapchat to send to one of my friends, while unaware that my father had walked in behind me. I was talking about how I can’t watch porn anymore because my phone is broken. He now knows too much. FML

By Anonymous - 3/4/2021 12:00 - United States - Boise

Porn addiction

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