Random FMLs

Got milk?

By IHaveNoIdea - 10/06/2024 22:00 - Australia

Today, a customer asked if our milkshake flavourings contained dairy. I had no idea, and it seems the manufacturer assumes milkshakes will contain milk, so didn't state on any of the bottles that they were dairy-free. I had to google every obscure number in the ingredient list to check. FML

I agree, your life sucks 394

You deserved it 136

Preemptive strike

By halofever82 - 10/04/2021 08:00

Today, after ordering at a restaurant, the waitress suddenly began acting like a bitch to me, for no apparent reason. I later found out why: most people who order that particular meal tend to argue and whine about the price. I wasn’t going to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 139

You deserved it 94

Frustrated wank

By Anonymous - 05/10/2023 19:00

Today, I gave my boyfriend a handjob for the first time. Apparently, I was so bad at it that he eventually just slapped my hand away and angrily said he'd do it himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 620

You deserved it 330

By Fatass - 18/04/2014 05:37 - United States - Knoxville

Today, I lied to the cashier at my local store, saying that I was "nominated to buy the candy for the party" when in actuality I went home and gorged on it alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 710

You deserved it 13 889

By andi0804 - 05/08/2009 01:33 - United States

Today, it was my birthday. The only call I received was from my stalker, who sang happy birthday with a japanese accent and asked if he could be my "special present". FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 894

You deserved it 3 589

Brain melt

By hashtag67 - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff

Today, I taught my first seminar as a teaching assistant. I prepared for hours and rehearsed and discussed it with the professor. Two students fell asleep, I said "shit" twice and I froze mid-sentence, then said, "Sorry guys, I have no idea what I'm saying." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 564

You deserved it 1 711

What the hell is even that?!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Lake Forest

Today, I went on what I thought was a date. After a wonderful night with a perfect gentleman, he told me how excited he is that he's moving in with his girlfriend next week, and thanked me for reassuring him that he doesn't want anyone but her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 986

You deserved it 4 016

Because reasons

By Off_Road - 04/06/2014 19:30 - United States - North Pole

Today, while on the highway, a guy in a truck sped up to pass me. He was hauling a trailer, which hit me and ran me off the road. I called the cops and followed him all the way into town, where the cops pulled him over. They let him go without even a ticket, because, "He didn't know he hit you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 578

You deserved it 4 030

By Anonymous - 28/02/2012 19:41 - United States

Today, someone caused over $400 worth of damage by breaking into my car, just to steal $8 worth of beer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 139

You deserved it 3 237

Nice try, chief

By Anonymous - 04/04/2011 01:46 - United States

Today, while discussing having sex for the first time with my boyfriend, I asked what method of birth control we should use. He replied, "Anal." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 013

You deserved it 15 203

The chase

By Paula - 05/11/2024 12:00 - Canada

Today, I went for a "relaxing" walk on a local trail. I got chased by an angry goose halfway back to my car. Apparently, it didn’t appreciate my "peaceful" attempt to take a selfie with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 94

You deserved it 948

By Anonymous - 25/08/2012 13:15 - United States

Today, I learned that just because the actual part of the pan that does touch the stove isn't hot doesn't mean that the handle won't give you third degree burns, a broken nose from passing out from the pain, and an expensive trip to the emergency room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 516

You deserved it 6 923

By okaythen - 04/10/2013 09:37 - Egypt - Cairo

Today, a cute guy ditched his date and walked up to me, calling me beautiful. Not knowing how to reply, I just blushed. His date got angry and left. "Sorry. I take that back," he then said. "I was just trying to get rid of her. Thanks anyway." FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 305

You deserved it 3 717

By Anonymous - 26/12/2011 04:52 - United States

Today, a guy rang my doorbell, yelled "Happy Halloween" and then threw a bunch of leaves that he'd lit on fire at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 012

You deserved it 2 771

Never the twain shall meet

By Anonymous - 15/07/2023 11:00 - Portugal - Lisbon

Today, at the office, my boss lectured me for being two minutes late for work, even though yesterday I worked on my lunch break because she needed my help. important to mention: my boss is my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 843

You deserved it 139

Relax

By lyssthemiss - 22/09/2015 10:51 - United States - Joliet

Today, I was taking a bath after a long day at work. I closed my eyes and listened to music. My cat thought this was the perfect time to come out of his hiding spot and jump in the bath. Once he realized it was filled with water, he freaked out and dug his claws into my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 806

You deserved it 2 326

By Seanzy - 30/03/2009 20:16 - United States

Today, the girl I've had a crush on forever asked me why the pin on my Letterman jacket had two guys doing it. I told her it was for participating in a wrestling tournament. And she responded, "Oh I thought you were finally coming out of the closet!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 997

You deserved it 6 868

Yummy

By Anonymous - 26/08/2020 23:02 - Germany - Köln

Today, I discovered that 90% of what I do still works on autopilot when I’m too tired to pay attention: Take coffee cup, walk to fridge, open fridge door, grab bottle, pour contents into coffee. The missing 10% was the fact that this particular bottle contained grapefruit juice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 079

You deserved it 448

By Anonymous - 11/02/2013 07:46 - United States - Denton

Today, I checked out a "confessions" page for my university. The first confession was from a guy who whacked off in a campus restroom then used a computer in a lab without washing his hands. I work in that lab. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 500

You deserved it 3 406

Healthcare scandal

By itsjustnotfair - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my dentist asked me about my fillings, so I told him that when I was younger, I had two cavities. He replied, "No you didn't. I just looked at your x-rays." Turns out my old dentist ripped me off. I never needed fillings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 985

You deserved it 2 644

By cockalicious - 01/03/2011 05:29

Today, my boyfriend let me know he wanted me to leave by repeatedly jabbing me with my car keys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 737

You deserved it 5 027

Good boy

By Anonymous - 17/02/2013 06:01 - United States - New Bloomfield

Today, I was riding my bike, when I saw a large dog sitting in front of a house. I started to really crank the pedals, figuring that by the time it saw me, I'd be long gone. My chain popped off, I lost control and crashed onto the side of the road. The dog hadn't moved. It was a statue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 445

You deserved it 21 075

Cats > Humans

By LittleRed79 - 03/11/2016 04:49 - Canada

Today, it's difficult being a single woman in my city: The female/male ratio is 3:1, and the last 3 dates I've been on were with a guy who kept asking for nudes, an aggressive raging alcoholic, and what turned out to be a married man. I'm seriously considering adopting several more cats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 003

You deserved it 1 060

By Anonymous - 17/12/2010 17:30 - United States

Today, my car heater finally died. I deliver pizzas. In Alaska. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 275

You deserved it 4 265

Alexa, play "Ancient History" by The Cribs

By Freddie - 28/09/2024 12:00 - United Kingdom - Poole

Today, I was the best man at my longtime friend’s wedding. I got so into talking about our shared memories over the years that I accidentally called his bride by his ex-girlfriend’s name at the end of my toast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 104

You deserved it 574

By i tried so hard - 08/01/2016 15:54 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I tried really hard for once on an assignment. I was told it was my worst work yet and that I may as well have turned nothing in at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 838

You deserved it 2 219

By crippy - 26/06/2012 05:01 - United States

Today, I came home from a knee surgery. I asked my mother to get me a glass of water. She replied, "You can get it, you're not crippled. Oh wait, yeah you are!" and laughed hysterically. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 015

You deserved it 3 071

By tht1chk - 31/10/2010 00:37 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex for the first time. While we were undressing each other, he said, "Wow, if we have children, you're gonna have to shave, or they'll die from rug-burn as they come out!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 692

You deserved it 30 726

First impressions

By I think its dead - 15/01/2013 07:33 - Canada - Brandon

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. In the entrance way I felt a slight tugging on my jeans. Used to my Doberman tugging when he wants to play, I shoved hard with my foot. I successfully punted their Chihuahua off the ground and into the next room where it landed with a thud. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 971

You deserved it 41 470

Welcome to the neighborhood

By Anonymous - 31/07/2022 04:00

Today, I went to tell my neighbour I was sure his son had been taking pictures of me from his window. He laughed in my face, then assured me no one on planet earth could possibly want photos of my fat ass and double chin, then shut the door in my face, still laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 980

You deserved it 312

FML on Facebook

Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Awkward Pokémon Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Sex Intimacy Suspicious Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

The Top

Today, I had to explain to my 27 year-old sister why a stainless steel fork isn't a good toy for my 8 month-old baby. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 059

You deserved it 1 678

Today, I learned a valuable lesson, never leave your "Let It Be" album, which you paid $489 for on eBay out on your desk. My brother also learned something, old records make for very breakable, one use frisbees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 085

You deserved it 11 932

Today, I checked over my notes from yesterday's midterm review so I could study for the test on Monday. It seems I was so exhausted, I'd done nothing but scribble unintelligibly all over the first page. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 158

You deserved it 8 109

Today, I met my boyfriend's family. He calls his parents things like “geriatric hag” and “old clown”. I was about to yell at him, but they started calling him “nancy boy” and “nerd”. Apparently they love each other, but only communicate through abuse. I can’t believe I may soon marry into this mess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 626

You deserved it 1 307

Today, at work, some little girl went in the bathroom for quite a while. Came out for two minutes and went back in. She then came out with her finger clutched in a paper towel. One of the other coworkers went in to check the bathroom. The little girl wrote "Hi!" with her own poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 633

You deserved it 2 764

Today, I tried to impress my girlfriend by punching through a piece of old drywall karate kid-style. As it turns out, the drywall was actually a thin piece of concrete. I now have a busted hand and a girlfriend with a new story to tell all her friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 804

You deserved it 51 131