Home - FML

18427

65323

Today, my parents and in-laws are in a bidding war for the house next door, since we are about to have a son. We're not even sure if we want them living this close. FML

By anonymous - 24/3/2016 03:02

21494

1439

Today, my mom got a cat. I'm allergic to cats, so I politely asked my mom why she got it. Her response: "I want you to finally want to move out." I turned eighteen two weeks ago. FML

By skaterboy - 13/8/2013 15:36 - Canada - Calgary

50440

5000

Today, my obsession with my mean ex-girlfriend returned. It ended 9 years ago. It happened when I started researching self-help. Now, I can’t stop thinking about that selfish piece of shit. FML

By DogStew - 25/9/2019 00:01

Objects in the rear-view mirror

1208

441

Today, I texted a friend offering my condolences over the death of his grandfather. He hadn't been told his grandfather had died yet. FML

By cmolloy - 21/12/2011 14:40 - Ireland

35203

4420

Today, I had to call in sick to work because I was experiencing bowel distress. I called my manager's phone directly so no one else would know of my embarrassment. She put me on speakerphone, and I only realized when the juvenile laughter started. FML

By yolo is for shitheads - 9/10/2012 16:07 - United States

23310

2130

Today, I was looking at my wedding pictures I had just ordered and I tried to flick something off one of the pictures, but it wouldn't come off. In a panic I quickly looked through all of my pictures and realized that I had a booger sticking out of my nose. No one told me. FML

By boogerbrain - 9/12/2009 21:06 - United States

37972

4147

Today, my boyfriend and I were having dinner with my family. He killed a bug and ate it. FML

By Anonymous - 19/3/2012 00:49 - United States - Dansville

28831

4068

By Nina - 22/3/2017 20:00

Are You A True FML Expert? Complete These FMLs To Find Out

Have you earned your Godlike Ninja Badge? Think you know what it takes to make an FML? Take this quiz to see how well you know your...

Today, I was at a "bring your family to work" event. I noticed my coworker brought his kids but not his wife, so I asked, "No wife today?" Everyone glared at me and he pointedly replied that she's married to someone else now. I had no idea. Now everyone thinks I'm an insensitive prick. FML

By insensitive prick - 19/8/2013 19:04 - United States - Tinley Park

46078

8845

Today, my husband threw out all of the spices in the cupboard. When I asked him why he said, "Our cat was named Spicy and I can't stand to look at them." Our recently deceased cat's name was Dicey. FML

By Tali - 28/7/2011 06:18 - Australia

34533

3307

Today, I realized that my cat has been laid more times than me. FML

By LaurahLunatic - 5/9/2009 06:31 - United States

28992

5983

Today, I was dissecting a pig for my anatomy class. The smell of four day-old dead pig caused me to faint. My mom drove me home and warmed me up some left overs for lunch. It was pork chops. FML

By Anonymous - 14/1/2010 19:41 - United States

32100

4316

Today, after two and a half hours of travel, it was finally my stop on the train. I politely waited for a group of women to get off first. They took so long to move that the train doors closed. I shouted at one through the door to call the conductor. She watched and smiled as the train departed. FML

By CrimsonAmaryllis - 1/4/2013 16:37 - United Kingdom - Bristol

39318

4121

Today, my brother changed my Google+ name without asking. He has done this before and I fixed it by just changing it back. Turns out Google has a 3-time limit per year for how many times you can change your name. Now I'm stuck with "Poop" for my YouTube name for a year. FML

By KittKatt - 20/5/2015 05:34 - United States - Lehighton

28869

4520

Today, I'm 20 years old and never been kissed. FML

By - 4/1/2009 15:18 - France

37263

7275

Today, I told my husband that I didn't feel like he loved me. He looked away and replied, "Fair enough". FML

By mymumdidntloveme - 1/7/2014 03:59 - New Zealand - Auckland

45973

5485

Hey, OP here. We are still together. Have attended counselling and we are both being much more open and loving with each other. The issue was both his and mine but we are both working on our problems together and I'm proud to say our marriage is better and more fun than ever :)

mymumdidntloveme Say more :

By killme - 7/3/2015 18:42 - United States - Broomfield

Today, at a big family dinner, my dad said, "Pfff, gays don't have it hard at all. The things a guy has to do for sex with a girl? Crazy. All a gay guy has to do for sex is become an altar boy!" My husband's side of the family is very religious, and all hell quickly broke loose. FML

36932

3619

Today, while waiting for the bus, I googled walking directions to my destination, in case I had already missed the bus. I was so absorbed in my search that I missed the bus. FML

By getoffthephone - 30/3/2015 09:19 - United Kingdom

19660

26083

Today, I finally got to a point where I could ask my mother about how enthusiastically she used to beat me. First sentence out of her mouth was, "It didn't change your behaviour, but it did make me feel better." FML

By MeAgainDr... - 13/11/2015 05:24 - Australia - South Perth

26253

2155

Today, my husband was singing while doing the housework. I told him to sign up for The Voice. He took me seriously, and did. Too bad for him, because he sounds like a cat dying in a ditch. FML

By Sheila - 26/10/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

The Voice (of the future)

690

1506

Today, I got 2 creams for a skin condition. The one for my face says "Don't expose skin to sun after use of this product". The one for the rest of my body says "This product relies on exposure to the sun". In other words, I have to be outside as much as I can, naked and with a box on my head. FML

By FromNL - 25/3/2011 12:22 - Netherlands

38678

6598

Today, I acted like I always do when I'm alone in my seemingly sound-proof apartment. I sang loudly, talked back to the TV, used my vibrator. Later, in the silence of the night, I heard my neighbor next door YAWNING. FML

By Anonymous - 14/1/2011 09:26 - United States

20629

35573

Today, my boss and I had to come up with a code to call if a person acts inappropriately towards me because I "attract too many weirdos." FML

By smokeysarah94 - 4/3/2013 01:17 - Canada - Ottawa

33270

3301

Today, my report card finally came in. My mom took one look at it and told me that if I'm not going to take my grades seriously, I might as well start looking for a sugar daddy. But first, I apparently need to work on prettying myself up. FML

By tryingtobepretty101 - 2/9/2011 16:58 - United States

27054

8759

Today, after months of being pestered to do so, I finally read the first Harry Potter book. I hated it. Upon hearing this, my girlfriend posted the fact on Facebook, where I immediately received tons of abuse and eventual shunning by my friends, family, and coworkers. My girlfriend just laughed. FML

By obnum - 24/5/2013 12:26 - United States - New York

39038

45708

Today, as an April fools day joke, I decided to tell my mom and dad that I was gay. After an awkward silence, my mom looks at me, smiles, and says, "well, we have known for a while." She wasn't joking. FML

By Anonymous - 1/4/2009 05:13 - United States

30864

62882

Today, while working at Starbucks, a customer dumped a hot chocolate on me and yelled, saying it wasn't his order. The order actually belonged to a 4-year-old boy with the same name who started screaming when he didn't get his chocolate. FML

By Anonymous - 16/2/2017 04:00 - United States

7687

450

By FML Videos - 26/11/2018 18:30 - United States - New York

Mondays

Resistance is useless.

Today, I aced my solo during my band concert. My parents were asleep the whole time. FML

By onyx_the_cat - 14/2/2014 03:49 - United States - Zion

46788

4435

The situation is more moral grey than I can describe. My mom has back problems and they get worse during winter, so she was in a lot of pain. She was in so much pain, she couldn't even get up and she stayed home to sleep while I was at my concert. I was a little disappointed, but I knew the situation. My dad on the other hand slept through my solo while at the concert. That man can sleep through anything....

onyx_the_cat Say more :

By FML Team - 5/11/2009 23:11

Sprawling FML

Slurp squish squish! Splash slurp-burp squish snort? Squi-sh slarp slurp shush, blurt. Blurt splash. Eek squis slurb strul snort slarp,...

Today, I had a great time with a girl I liked. I asked her out and she said yes. She also said she cuts herself and if I ever broke up with her, I'll be responsible for her death. FML

By BoredRunner42 - 7/9/2009 06:33 - United States

72449

6547

Today, I went to the carnival with a guy I like. When we went on the big scary ride where you flip upside down a lot, he asked me to be his girlfriend. Then, I threw up on him. FML

By Amanda - 2/7/2011 05:33 - United States

43497

4710

By onething - 8/7/2009 17:06 - United States

Today, my boyfriend picked me up to come spend the night at his house, and on the way he started pulling over to get some condoms....

Today, on my way to work, I came across a road accident. I approached the victims and administered first aid, but when the paramedics arrived, they told the cops to take the "cosplayer" away. I'm the E.R. doctor of the nearby hospital. I later had to work with these S.O.B.s. FML

By Shoryugeki III - 7/8/2018 14:30

3524

146

Today, I found out my creepy, obsessive neighbor got a pet hamster and named it after me. He has been telling all sorts of stories about his hamster using my name, and he just told me in detail how it died of heart attack. FML

By idontevenlikehamsters - 8/4/2013 00:00 - United States - Manassas

35851

2445

Today, a student came in late to class, and there were only a couple of seats available. I waved her over offering her the seat beside me with the quip, "It's OK, you can sit by me. I don't smell or anything." I realized after she sat down that she actually did. FML

By Derpina - 21/12/2011 15:33 - United States

28375

5142

Today, I asked my husband to watch our daughter while I ran a few errands. While he treated himself to a long nap, she decided our fish needed a bubble bath, and squeezed out an entire bottle of dish soap. I came home to bubbles all over the floor, five dead fish, and one sleeping husband. FML

By Anonymous - 25/9/2012 22:35 - United States

28054

3015

Today, in an attempt to be romantic, I kissed my husband as passionately as I could. After, he looked at me and said, "You taste like Chinese food." FML

By TimJack18 - 4/1/2015 23:14 - United States - Whiteville

29755

5157

Today, I was walking at a section of the zoo where you are in the cage, and the monkeys are climbing outside of the cage. I was having a great time until I looked up and one of the monkeys urinated all over my face. Not only did everyone see, but there was no way for me to shower for six hours. FML

By foojew93 - 9/8/2009 17:41 - United States

48145

3783