Random FMLs

By Anonymous - 02/12/2010 05:43 - United States

Today, as I was walking into my apartment building, a douchebag leaned out his truck window and yelled, "HOW MUCH FOR A BJ?" He then pulled into a spot near my car. Apparently I have a charming new neighbor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 469

You deserved it 2 889

By Anonymous - 12/05/2015 03:02 - United States - Springfield

Today, my new prescription medicine for my chronic acne did in fact work. It worked by inflaming the skin around my zits so that they blended in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 854

You deserved it 2 083

By Slaanesh - 12/12/2008 12:08 - France

Today, I decided to teach my dog not to be scared of the vacuum cleaner. I grab the handle and get it close to her. She runs off and hides behind the couch and pisses everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 023

You deserved it 38 869

By dgilbs - 12/11/2012 22:08 - United States - Grosse Pointe

Today, my friends and I went out to dinner. Being short on cash, I suggested a game where we put our phones in the center of the table and first to check their phone had to pay the bill. Our conversation died out, and fearful of having an awkward silence, I checked my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 404

You deserved it 55 139

By Dave - 27/09/2012 15:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on a plane returning to University, and I decided to shut my eyes. I opened them about 45 minutes later just as the plane landed to find I couldn't move at all. I was in sleep paralysis. The air hostesses had to lift me out of my seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 236

You deserved it 2 281

Slasher

By Anonymous - 24/09/2020 08:01 - United States - Elk Grove

Today, I made some burritos when a photo frame fell and smashed over my pan. I'm pretty broke so I thought I got all the glass out of the meat and ate some. I reheated the meat for dinner too and well, I found the glass that time... FML

I agree, your life sucks 919

You deserved it 806

By Anonymous - 27/09/2015 07:10 - United States - Queens Village

Today, while singing Happy Birthday to my husband, I desperately needed to fart. I couldn't leave the room, so I let it out real slow. There were over 20 of us there, yet somehow my mother-in-law knew it was me. She went over to the window and opened it wide, all while glaring at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 067

You deserved it 4 028

Perfect

By Julian - 05/05/2021 02:01

Today, according to my wife, our life together is perfect. The only problem is that I no longer turn her on, haven’t for a while, so she wants my permission to have meaningless one-night stands with strangers on Tinder while carrying on with our perfect, sexless married life together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 874

You deserved it 159

By fmylifechelsea - 27/04/2009 19:41 - Canada

Today, I was taking my boyfriend to meet my grandparents. They live on the 27th floor. Alone in the elevator we started making out. Turns out that theres a camera in the elevator, connected to every apartment. My grandma asked me how it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 001

You deserved it 19 497

By Anonymous - 29/01/2019 14:00 - Germany - Bad Frankenhausen

Today, I asked my Mom to buy me new shorts. She bought fluffy bubble shorts. I'm a 20 year old guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 283

You deserved it 2 106

By joe1234 - 17/07/2009 02:28 - United States

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to put a pretzel on my forehead while I was sleeping on the beach. I now have a pretzel-shaped tan line in the middle of my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 784

You deserved it 9 711

By Anonymous - 01/01/2016 07:03 - United States - Reno

Today, at the age of 20, I still have a bed time. It is strictly enforced by my cat via endless meows if I am up past 11 pm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 974

You deserved it 4 594

The gift that keeps on giving

By Katie - 29/08/2021 14:01 - United Kingdom

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend, since we weren't getting along. When I got home, I remembered that today is his birthday. Him and all our friends now think I'm a total bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 267

You deserved it 1 521

Whipping boy

By Anonymous - 02/03/2021 02:01 - United States

Today, like every day, my boss was complaining about something or other, but this time it was work that I knew he'd done himself, and he still blamed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 835

You deserved it 48

Cum hoc ergo propter hoc

By Anonymous - 09/09/2020 04:01 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I fell down my stairs twice after helping a senior get in her car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 047

You deserved it 122

By anonymous - 10/11/2016 14:29 - United States - Lewistown

Today, I was subpoenaed on behalf of my mother-in-law. My husband said if I didn't defend her and consequently lie under oath, our marriage is over. She said, "I can get rid of two problems in one day!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 730

You deserved it 751

By Anonymous - 30/06/2011 17:30 - United States

Today, I woke up to find that not only did the toothpaste I put on my pimple make it more noticable, but it made it worse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 429

You deserved it 34 583

By omfgitburns - 06/01/2011 14:54

Today, I had a plaster cast removed from my arm. After telling the nurse it felt like the saw was cutting my skin, she tells me there is no way that it could touch my skin and that I was being paranoid. She cracked open the cast. Burns, blisters and bleeding skin were revealed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 407

You deserved it 2 854

Merry Holidays!

By SadMom - 21/12/2016 15:56

Today, I was told by a family member that if we come over on Christmas and my small children get upset or throw a fit, we will be asked to leave. I can't guarantee that my 2-year-old and 3-year-old won't have any meltdowns, so I guess we won't be spending Christmas with the rest of the family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 841

You deserved it 1 720

By Anonymous - 15/05/2013 06:43 - United States

Today, my boyfriend yelled at me. Apparently I'm not the "classy girl" he thought I was, and he's not comfortable "doing such vile things in public." I had tried to hold his hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 804

You deserved it 4 378

By Anonymous - 04/12/2016 22:14

Today, my family held an intervention and told me I needed to lose weight. It probably would've had more impact if they hadn't done this over video chat while stuffing their faces at an all-you-can-eat buffet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 450

You deserved it 775

By ShitHappens2016 - 16/04/2017 18:00

Today, my mother-in-law texted to wish me a happy birthday. She spelled my name wrong and it's not my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 806

You deserved it 314

By StillBurning - 19/08/2017 01:30

Today, I enjoyed my favourite pizza topped with jalapeños for an extra kick. I later got to feel that kick a second time as I vomited in the middle of the night. Some came out my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 659

You deserved it 645

By caiti - 06/08/2009 01:25 - United States

Today, I had a job interview and things were going really well until I noticed the woman interviewing me staring at the inside of my elbow. I am recovering from a poison sumac rash, and each spot looks like a puncture wound from a syringe. I was dismissed before the interview was over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 232

You deserved it 4 438

By Anonymous - 10/08/2013 04:02 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I got a call from my son's kindergarten teacher. Apparently my son asked a girl to marry him. After she said no, he stabbed her with a fork. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 681

You deserved it 6 068

By deepblue - 24/01/2011 02:06 - United States

Today, we ordered pizza. A long wait and several phone calls later, we found out that someone met the delivery person at the end of our driveway, signed our receipt, and stole our pizza. Way to check the credit card pizza people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 906

You deserved it 3 024

By anon - 20/03/2015 21:43 - United States - Arlington

Today, I decided I would actually make use of my apartment complex's exercise equipment. My routine consisted of one mile on the treadmill, and 15 minutes on the toilet followed by 10 minutes of lying in the fetal position on my bath mat. Great core workout. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 484

You deserved it 4 339

By j_portal - 26/10/2014 03:47 - United States - Carlstadt

Today, as I was laying in bed in my dark room, with only my phone's light on, a huge moth flew around it and directly into my open mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 796

You deserved it 5 524

By RobotUnicorn1209 - 14/08/2015 19:31 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I got in trouble for punching my sister. Apparently, it still counts if it's in Minecraft and she looked like she was going to steal my stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 516

You deserved it 2 698

By Noname - 09/03/2009 23:36 - Canada

Today, I was babysitting my co-workers son. He was eating jell-o and spilt it on his top, so I pulled off his pj's, and went in his room to grab a new pair. I heard a thunk and ran to find him out cold on the floor. His parents walked in on me trying to wake up their naked 3 year old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 921

You deserved it 6 015

By sauce - 24/09/2010 06:33 - United States

Today, after months of looking, my fiancé and I finally signed a lease. We are using my savings to pay for it. This apparently poses a "moral dilemma" for my in-laws who think we should wait to be married. I'm paying for an apartment I'm not allowed to live in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 360

You deserved it 6 272

By jillydark6609 - 19/09/2010 06:21 - United States

Today, I found a big spider on my wall. I have arachnophobia, and I was trying to kill it with my shoe. I pulled back and hit myself in the face, causing me to fall backwards. The spider is still alive somewhere in my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 236

You deserved it 14 224

By Ellwood - 22/04/2013 00:27 - United States

Today, my mother met my sister's boyfriend for the first time. As we talked about it later over dinner she said she didn't like him. When I asked why, she paused for a second and said, "Well, he really reminds me of you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 010

You deserved it 3 381

Dumping

By Baby Momma - 20/01/2022 22:00 - United Kingdom - Reading

Today, I found out that my breathing exercises I learned during pregnancy will not be for nothing after ending up having a C-section, because I'll apparently need them every time I relieve myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 774

You deserved it 81

Carded B.

By Anonymous - 20/09/2019 12:00

Today, I ordered a beer with my parents at dinner. The waitress said, "Oh, happy 22nd birthday." My parents eyes got really big, and they started to blush. They'd forgotten it was my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 941

You deserved it 160

By Goodyear - 20/01/2014 03:59 - United States - Glendale

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex. After a while, he started staring at my lady parts, and said my "vag looks like a mockingjay". He then stretched the lips apart like wings and made little "CA-CAW CA-CAW!" sounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 492

You deserved it 10 008

By lebato97 - 09/12/2011 03:35 - United States

Today, I saw my neighbor's Christmas tree they had put up on their porch, with decorative presents under it. Being that my neighbors hate me, I figured I would take a present to piss them off. While walking back home with the present, I opened it. Inside it read "I knew you would, douche bag." FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 647

You deserved it 80 681

By jackskellington - 11/02/2015 04:34 - Australia - Bankstown

Today, I found out my dad ate my rabbit when I was 6 years old. He'd told me it ran away. I can't be mad at my dad; he's been dead for 5 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 887

You deserved it 2 827

By Payt - 19/11/2018 22:00

Today, the guy I have been seeing for 3 months said, "Sorry this isn’t going anywhere, but I want to stay friends because I wanna come back and hang out with your parents." He literally only stayed with me because I live on a farm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 569

You deserved it 157

By Anonymous - 31/10/2015 16:41 - United Kingdom - Houghton Le Spring

Today, I was at the airport waiting for my flight to leave for Hawaii when I received an urgent call from my neighbour saying that my house had been broken into. After rushing home and missing my flight, I had to explain to the police that my house wasn't burgled, it was just very messy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 617

You deserved it 5 895

Nearly

Today, I'm in love with a girl I can't get, I have social anxiety, and I only have a month until I never see her again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23

You deserved it 17

Today, I’ve tested positive for Covid-19. Again. For the third time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58

You deserved it 16

Spicy

Today, it's my birthday, and the only male attention I've had in months is when the dog greeted me with his red rocket out and his tail wagging. FML

I agree, your life sucks 299

You deserved it 73

Today, I got to find out via a news article that Tucker Carlson apparently wants to do the Green M&M cartoon from the commercials. I didn't need to know this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 373

You deserved it 155