Random FMLs

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Today, my house is suffering from an infestation of these tiny black beetles. After brushing my teeth tonight, I was rinsing out my toothbrush when I found that one of the beetles had curled up to die between the bristles. FML

By twice-a-day - 18/11/2010 05:04 - United States

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Today, I purchased a cactus in a cute little pot and put it on my windowsill so it could get sun. Unfortunately, that's also where I have my alarm clock. Guess which one I grabbed in the morning. FML

By Anonymous - 27/10/2017 06:03

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Today, it's my birthday. So far I have received: the news that my parents are divorcing, a dead bird and a pile of shit left on my bed (courtesy of the cat), a rash all over my face, and some slippers from my boyfriend. FML

By sambo99 - 25/10/2010 17:08 - United Kingdom

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Today, I pissed my pants in fear for the first time. Was I at a spooky haunted house? Nope, I turned a corner and got startled by a parked car. FML

By JustWashedTheseJeans - 25/10/2016 01:05

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Today, I was eating an onion bagel and bit down on something hard. At first I thought was a really hard piece of onion. The "onion" turned out to be a tooth, and it wasn't one of mine. FML

By empress gleskizor the third of glarkon - 18/4/2016 18:12 - Hungary - Budapest

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Today, my boss ate a small piece of paper off her desk, thinking it was frosting. I have to work for this woman. FML

By Anonymous - 24/5/2011 04:38

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Today, my girlfriend slapped me and dumped me because she thought I was gay, simply because I had to miss a date because one of my guy friends was in a car accident, and I went to see him at the hospital. FML

By Leroy - 5/10/2019 02:01 - Australia

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Today, during a conversation, my boss said, "What, what?" Before I could stop myself, I replied, "In the butt." FML

By whitecollar - 5/12/2012 02:43 - United Kingdom - Scarborough

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Today, I was using my boyfriend's phone to call my mom. A text message arrived from "Christina" that said, "Just put the kids to bed, come over." He swears they're only work buddies, but refuses to tell her he has a girlfriend, to avoid making things weird at work. We've been together two years. FML

By Beantown girl - 31/10/2011 00:58 - United States

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Today, after coming back from a trip to Africa where I got malaria, I went to the hospital for some blood tests. The doctor said, "Good news! You never had malaria! But they put you through a lot of dangerous treatments and now your liver has an anomaly." FML

By Océane Léana K - 1/9/2017 01:29

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Today, my boyfriend told me that he'd feel like a failure if he went to community college. I'm planning to go to community college next year. FML

By failure - 15/10/2014 01:06 - United States - Loomis

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Today, I was at a ballet recital with my friend, sitting between her and the mother of the head male ballerina. When he came on stage in obscenely tight white tights I whispered to my friend, "You can see his whole freaking package!" I'd whispered to the wrong side. FML

By lalalohan - 17/4/2009 15:19 - United States

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Today, because I was the only manager scheduled, I went into work despite feeling sick to my stomach. While sitting down with a customer, I got the urge to throw up and tried to hold it back. Instead I vomited in my mouth, instinctively swallowed and started choking in front of the customer. FML

By Kristat - 1/4/2012 04:32 - United States

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Today, my elderly father-in-law grabbed my breasts in the pool at a family gathering. I'd let it go as an accident if this wasn't the 4th time it happened today. FML

By nothanks - 1/5/2011 14:30 - United States

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Today, I walked in on my cat trying to mate with my favorite sweater. FML

By anon - 31/7/2010 17:04 - Canada

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Today, I went on a date with a cute guy. After picking me up, he started to play on repeat, and sing to me, 'Happy Together' by The Turtles. For the entire 20 minute ride. FML

By girlie5445 - 13/2/2010 08:49 - United Kingdom

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Today, while teaching my history class, a girl asked me where North America was. She lives in North America. FML

By isabellam0426 - 2/11/2016 02:55

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Today, while working at a hospital, I told a patient to smile for the camera when taking an xray. His response was, "I have Bell's Palsy and haven't smiled in 5 years." FML

By oaksac191 - 26/10/2010 16:50 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend wrote me a long poem that ended with, "Please don't get another mister / I regret I screwed your sister". FML

By notakeeper - 3/1/2014 03:50 - United States - Orlando

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Today, the kids on my cross country team were planning a big surprise party for one of the girls, whose birthday is in a few weeks. It's my birthday today. FML

By forgotten - 19/10/2014 18:19 - United States - Folsom

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Today, my boyfriend told my roommate about a trick he had used by filling nail holes with toothpaste when he moved out. When I came home with putty to fill the holes, there were blue spots all over the walls. She had filled them with blue gel toothpaste. Now I get to repaint, too. FML

By Anonymous - 24/7/2009 22:14 - United States

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Today, I was watching a video about spiders. When I felt a tickle on my foot, I kicked hard in panic. It was one of our newborn kittens walking. I almost killed it. FML

By Aaron - 26/8/2010 05:33 - United States

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Today, I was horseback riding. Somebody yelled something behind me, so I turned around. Next thing I know, I am on the ground and my head is killing me. It turns out I ran into a tree branch. The person behind me simply said, "Watch out." FML

By fyln00b - 3/7/2010 04:49 - France

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Today, I learned that my 76 year old great aunt likes to swim naked, even when I have friends over. FML

By MsConfusedd - 1/9/2012 04:30 - United States - Hazlet

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Today, while searching for the pungent odor that has been lingering in my son's bedroom, I discovered various types of juice my son has been "storing" to make wine. FML

By Anonymous - 31/3/2011 22:10 - United States

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Today, I found out that my boyfriend is cheating on me, with the same guy I was cheating on him with. FML

By shandrith - 3/7/2009 14:16 - United States

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Today, my 70-year-old coworker managed to do something to our shared computer for it to not boot up. This is our 4th computer since we've been working together, and he refuses to believe that he's the problem. FML

By Anonymous - 7/1/2016 15:52 - United States - Odem

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Today, I was the designated driver for my friend's 21st birthday. On the way home from the bar, he threw up all the pasta and tequila he'd had onto the back seat of my car, and told me it was part of his whole party plan. FML

By IhatebeingtheDD - 15/10/2010 14:08 - United States

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Today, as I was putting on deodorant, I sneezed the hardest I've ever sneezed before. I ended up pulling a muscle in my shoulder. FML

By de-ow-dorant - 19/1/2017 08:00

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Today, my parents left early in the morning to run some errands, and I thought it would be nice to shovel our rather large driveway for them while they were out. An hour later, they returned from the store with a snow blower. FML

By fail - 19/1/2014 20:35 - United States

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Today, I was randomly selected for a pat-down while at the airport. Being from the south, I said thanks out of pure habit. The guy replied, "No sir, thank YOU." and winked. FML

By Anonymous - 28/3/2014 20:30 - United States - Randallstown

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Today, while working as a receptionist at a health clinic a woman came to settle her account. Before she left, she held out her closed palm and asked if I could put something in the bin for her. I held out my hand and watched many bits of chewed fingernails land in my palm. FML

By Tay - 17/2/2012 01:29 - Australia

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Today, I went to pick a penny off of the ground for good luck. Someone kneed me in the butt, I fell face first and broke my glasses. FML

By Anonymous - 13/4/2012 09:43 - Canada

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Today, I had to take my husband's laptop to University for an in-class exam. I opened the screen, and loud porn started to auto-play. The silence in the class was deafening as I tried to make it stop. FML

By Anonymous - 12/9/2014 13:17 - United States - Fort Myers

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Today, my girlfriend beat me at ping pong, twenty to three. She said I let her win because I don't respect her, then stormed out of the room. I'm just really bad at ping pong. FML

By garrett - 14/2/2019 15:11 - United States

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Today, a woman screamed at me for five minutes, demanding to know how long I'd been having an affair with her husband. I explained for the second time that she'd dialed a wrong number. FML

By Tag - 31/8/2013 04:30 - Australia - Perth

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Today, a customer at one of my tables left his phone number and a smiley face on the credit card slip. I was completely flattered until I looked at the bottom of the slip and realized that he had left me a $0.26 tip. FML

By appleville - 10/2/2009 06:20 - United States

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Today, I realized the senior thesis I turned in last week uses the word "asses" instead of "assess" 17 times. FML

By fuckspellcheck - 28/4/2009 18:47 - United States

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Today, I volunteered to cater an event at school. A little girl asked for a big slice of cake so I gave it to her. She then puked everywhere and her parents blamed me and made me clean it up. The little girl sat there smiling at me while I cleaned. FML

By thathottchickk - 13/12/2011 22:43 - United States

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