By Anonymous / Monday 21 October 2013 13:06 / United States - San Francisco

Today, at work I noticed that the last of my pencils had been taken from my desk. I assumed it was the coworker who I've talked to at least ten times regarding taking my stationery. I approached her and, feeling brave, yelled at her in front of the entire office. I was holding the pencil. FML

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You deserved it

By cosmonaut - / Friday 7 August 2009 09:18 / New Zealand

Today, after drunk texting a girl the night before, I sent her a message saying I was sorry for everything I said. All she could say back? "Those were some of the most normal drunk texts I have ever read. I'd hate to see how boring you'd be sober." FML

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By Anonymous - / Saturday 24 October 2009 14:58 / Canada

Today, my boyfriend grabbed my love handles. It tickled, so I giggled and squirmed out of his grip. He looked at me quizzically and said, "I'm surprised you still have feeling there with all that fat." FML

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By June / Tuesday 5 October 2010 04:47 / United States

Today, I was chilling in my comfy zip-up sweatshirt when I realized I was running late for an acting class. In my mad panic, I forgot I didn't have a shirt or bra underneath. Later in class, I was performing a scene and started to unzip my sweatshirt. You can figure out the rest. FML

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By AccidentalFlasher - / Friday 8 January 2016 02:08 / Canada - Thornhill

Today, I realized that the best and most entertaining part of my 3 day mini vacation was realizing my nipples work on the touch screen of my iPhone. FML

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By thesadone / Saturday 3 July 2010 06:49 / United States

World

Canada

Today, we left the cat alone all day for the first time in months, and came back home 11.5 hours later to three enormous puddles of vomit. We then spent $450 at the vet only to find out that our cat is perfectly healthy. He just has separation anxiety. FML

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By caittorr - / Sunday 11 November 2018 16:00 / Canada - Saint-jean-sur-richelieu

Today, I had a softball tournament which also landed on my birthday. My dad had to leave town for work, so he left me a card on my night stand. Instead of a happy birthday, all it said was 'Don't mess up the game for everyone'. FML

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By msj137 / Friday 17 July 2009 07:25 / United States

Today, I began to sign "I love you" to my boyfriend from across the room. I ended up just poking myself in the eye. FML

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By Hopeless romantic - / Saturday 16 August 2014 06:20 / Australia - Perth

Today, I have to make a decision. I either drive my dad around during the day so he can drink, or I let him drink and drive so I can focus on studying for my exams. FML

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By problems / Sunday 19 October 2014 03:03 / New Zealand - Auckland

Today, a guy came into my gas station, showed me the gun on his hip, and asked me to kindly empty the register. My asshole boss claimed that because we live in an open carry state, and because the guy didn't point the gun at me, that there was no actual robbery and I just gave him free money. FML

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By jobless - / Sunday 13 September 2015 14:07 / United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went to a Taylor Swift concert. At the concert they put up a sign that said "Scream if you love country boys." My boyfriend took one look at it and started screaming. FML

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By TayTay - / Saturday 16 May 2009 07:52 / United States

Today, I learned that if you give a squirrel a cookie, he'll climb up your pants in search of more cookies. FML

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MegasaurusRex89 Say more :

I did run, but I stopped when I saw another squirrel looking at me and that's when the first one caught up. Greedy and determined little bastards I tell ya! (I'm OP, by the way... And a girl.)

By MegasaurusRex89 - / Saturday 18 October 2014 00:04 / United States - Daly City

Today, I walked outside to get the paper, and saw a dying bird I assumed had flown into the window. It was warm so I thought it might still be alive. I wasn't wearing my glasses though, and was trying to nurse a dog turd back to life. FML

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By nerderer - / Friday 5 June 2015 02:17 / United States - Duluth

Today, I learned that my new apartment complex does not allow "altercations in community areas". This includes pulling my child out of the pool and reprimanding him for holding his cousin under water. I can't parent outside my apartment. FML

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By bl3ur0z3 - / Monday 3 September 2018 22:00 /

Today, my neighbor's dog decided to knock over our trash cans, which were full of my bathroom trash. I had to pick up tampon and maxi pad wrappers from all over the neighborhood. FML

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By A / Saturday 23 May 2015 03:25 / United States - Warner Robins

World

Russia

Today, and since forever, my boyfriend talks in his sleep. Last night, he told me, “I like you very much, young man.” FML

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By Femme - / Thursday 16 February 2012 16:41 / Russia

The illustrated FMLs

Today, I took the kids I'm babysitting to the farm to feed the animals. They were a little scared of the llama, so I showed them how nice it was by feeding it a lot of bread. Then, as I was telling the farmer how I loved the llama and wanted to take it home, it spit grass and bread all over my face. FML

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By Anonymous - / Saturday 29 August 2009 06:58 / United States

Today, after spending over a year getting clean and sober, I started feeling horrible withdrawal symptoms and couldn't understand why. It turns out my wife had been dosing my food with Adderall "to keep me on track" and just stopped. So much for my anniversary chip. FML

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By addict - / Saturday 26 August 2017 13:00 /

Today, I was going to the bathroom at work. When I stood up, I noticed a little button on the side. I pressed it and the toilet flushed. I've worked there for nine months and just found out today that our toilets don't flush automatically. FML

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By Anonymous - / Tuesday 17 June 2014 02:45 / United States - Saint Louis

Today, my mother finally had her beloved Siamese cat cremated. The cat has been dead for over a week and she has been keeping it on her bed, stroking its fur and saying, "She looks like she's sleeping" and "She's so cold." To top it all off, she's been calling me by the cat's name for three years. FML

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By LJ - / Friday 13 March 2009 02:20 / United States

Today, my daughter was going to Bulk Barn so I asked her to pick me up something to snack on. When she got home, she brought over a bag and without listening to her explain what it was, I began eating it. She looked at me confused, then began laughing. It was a dog treat. FML

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By oops... / Friday 12 September 2014 05:50 / Canada - Sylvan Lake

Today, my girlfriend of a year broke up with me because I didn't fight some guy that started hitting her right in front of me... In a dream. She was totally serious. FML

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By dreamdude - / Sunday 20 September 2009 13:21 / United States

Today, I had sex with a guy I really had a connection with. It went perfect until I complimented how his moans during sex turn me on a lot, and he responded with, "That's what my mom told me." I laughed so hard we couldn't go on. FML

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UnicornWaffles Say more :

Hey fellas, quick clarification. When he said what he said I just blurted out laughing, because to me it obviously was a joke. Further confirmation would have either ruin the joke or ruin sex with him forever. He may have very well been a mother-fucker but I wouldn't need to know, as we're not dating each other. That being said, I'm positive it's humor, and any humor is a good laugh to me if you...

By UnicornWaffles / Wednesday 16 March 2016 17:23 / Taiwan - Taipei

Today, I held the door open for an old man in a motorized wheelchair. He missed the door, hit my foot, and called me an asshole for getting in his way. FML

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You deserved it

By Anonymous / Tuesday 6 July 2010 06:11 / United States

Today, I had to make my boss believe that I was late to work because my sick dog shit all over my bedsheets and I had to clean up the mess before work. The truth is, I don't have a dog, and I wrongly trusted a long fart this morning. FML

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By nightfall8705 - / Thursday 17 August 2017 19:30 / United States - Walhalla

Today, for the first time in a while I decided to wear a skirt. Everytime I sit down my thighs trap air and make a farting sound. FML

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You deserved it

By Anonymous / Monday 18 April 2016 23:40 / United States - Las Vegas

Today, my friends and I went to the beach and we were tanning when I suddenly saw 10 roses floating in the ocean. I went around to pick up all the roses and threw the petals at my friends. Then I notice a big boat of people in black and white were looking at me with disgust. It was a funeral. FML

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You deserved it

By Anonymous - / Sunday 6 September 2009 23:09 / United States

Today, I got my grades back. They were all 98's and 99's with also a 104 (extra-credit). I got refused from entering an honors club, because it's "impossible to get above a hundred in a math class". I even got investigated for cheating. FML

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By IamTheSalt - / Tuesday 25 April 2017 02:00 /

Today, my girlfriend and I moved back in after over a month of couch hopping and $2,000 of heat and chemical treatments for a chronic bedbug issue. I just found bedbugs on my legs. We've used all our favors and have nowhere to go. FML

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By "Sarah Ellsberry" - / Wednesday 13 September 2017 16:00 /

Today, my 17-year-old son hacked off the legs of his bed with a saw. His explanation? "The bed looks cooler closer to the floor." FML

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You deserved it

By Anonyme / Friday 6 September 2013 11:56 / France - Caen

Today, my boss selected me to be the company representative at an important meeting in Portland with one of our biggest clients. I was thrilled, until I realized he hadn't said anything about my plane ticket or hotel reservation. He later told me that I'll need to acquire those things myself. FML

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You deserved it

By Planes, Trains and Automobiles - / Thursday 15 June 2017 16:00 /

Today, my parents gave me a letter they'd forgotten about since late last year. In it was a $30,000 scholarship to a local master's program with an application due date of two weeks ago. FML

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You deserved it

By Whoneedsgradschool - / Thursday 20 April 2017 20:00 /

Today, I went on a date with a girl. She drove while texting someone then stopped at a house and told me to wait in the car. She left her phone so I looked at the last text and it says "I'm here for the quicky". Our "date" was a decoy to throw her mom off so she could sleep with another guy. FML

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You deserved it

By Anonymous - / Sunday 19 July 2009 12:44 / United States

Today, after letting the painters working on my house know that they're more than welcome to use my restroom, I walked outside only to find three of them pissing in my garden. One even aimed for my tomatoes. FML

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By Well okay then / Sunday 9 October 2016 17:12 / United States - Palmdale

Today, I was having a chat with a fellow veteran I bumped into at a car show. He ended the conversation by turning to my dad and saying, "you're lucky to catch a young honey like this." Then went on to ask if we'd tried anal yet. FML

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You deserved it

C8H18 Say more :

OP here. My dad walked off acting like he hadn't heard anything as I yelled, "That's my FATHER!"

By Fatherdaughter - / Friday 28 July 2017 11:21 /

Today, I received a drunken prank call from a girl I didn't know around 1am. I don't know what's sadder, that I carried out the conversation for 30 minutes, or that this was the first girl to call me in over a year. FML

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You deserved it

By badluckryan / Tuesday 25 September 2012 13:38 / United States - Uxbridge

Today, I wrote my boyfriend a poem, and left it on the bed with a rose for him to see after work. When I came home later, I noticed the flower in the trash, and the poem had been used as gum wrapper. FML

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You deserved it

By Loveandpoetry / Tuesday 31 May 2011 21:12 /

Today, my girlfriend woke me with a surprise up on my birthday. Unfortunately, it was her screaming at the top of her lungs and punching me in the face because of a nightmare. FML

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You deserved it

By happybidet / Monday 31 October 2016 13:02 / United Kingdom

Today, my 12 and 14 year olds told me they'll be doing whatever they like from now on and there will be no rules or bedtime, otherwise they'll tell their teachers that my husband and I abuse them. Where did I go wrong? FML

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You deserved it

By Anonymous - / Friday 8 April 2016 21:43 / United States - Sterling

Game Ranking

End of game in

Zombie

#	Nickname	Bites
1	whatshername?!	49
2	im365sostressed	7
3	CaseyR	4
4	gr009	0
5	proud_mommy	0
6	sunshineyes	0
7	stealspartan	0
8	matthewmcmullen9	0
9	wantedby_creeper	0
10	daisy_duritz	0

vampire

#	Nickname	Bites
1	newbiemalestr8	1054
2	BadAtPuns	1040
3	Ashamed_Sister	306
4	abigiggles	220
5	hellsingthecreator93	183
6	Dave_Davington	134
7	EclipticaLibra	115
8	Vaella	81
9	littlekellilee	40
10	devilninja	36

werewolf

#	Nickname	Bites
1	Taurus_ChicKa	41
2	thisisbutaname	23
3	ЗАБЕРИТЕ 12 000 РУБ ЗДЕСЬ www.mnogodenehk.tk dGXRU	0
4	POLZOVATEL 326811808 ZABERITE_SVOI_VIYGRISH_DO_14_AUGUST https://bit.ly/2MbNui1	0
5	ShawdiieBum	0
6	Rdumsky	0
7	ydi4beingdumb	0
8	gabrielenr93_fml	0
9	Kay_G	0
10	Chrischaidez	0