Random FMLs

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Today, the only person in my entire family to show up sober and on time to my graduation was my grandma. FML

By Congrats to me - United States - Canton

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Today, I noticed a guy checking out my ass in the mirror behind the bar where I work. He was cute, so I thought I'd put on a little show. I bent over to reach for something near the floor, which caused me to let rip a series of uncontrollable farts, like popping bubble wrap. He quickly left. FML

By bubblewrap - United Kingdom - Swindon

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Today, I argued with my mom that I deserved enough independence to ride my bike to school. Halfway there, I realized I was so out of shape that I had to call her for a ride. FML

By couch potato - 16/3/2020 03:03

I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike

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Today, I called my wife from work to check in on her because she's eight months pregnant. She didn't answer. Instead she showed up at my work hysterically crying and screaming, "You don't love me because I'm a fat whale!" She then knocked everything off my desk. FML

By Tristan Brantley - United States

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Today, I got into an argument with a militantly feminist co-worker of mine. She threw several vulgar insults at me and debased the entire male gender before storming off. I'd only asked if she needed help while she was doing a crossword. FML

By Rick - United States

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Today, as a CNA, I had to go through the belongings of a patient. His phone rang and I answered - it was his boss. As I explained, he cut me off and said to "drop the act" and "he better be there now or he's fired". He was pronounced dead-on-arrival. FML

By Nasu Johi - United States - New York

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Today, my boyfriend of nearly six months broke up with me. Over text. In a group chat. With the new girl he wanted to date. FML

By Anonymous

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Today, my fiancé freaked when he noticed the tattoo on my wrist, and demanded to know when I got it. It was two years before we even started dating. FML

By pandapantsMD - United States - Chesapeake

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Today, I was on a date, and I went to put my arm around her, trying to be romantic, but my coordination went straight to hell. Instead of her shoulder, I ended up accidentally grabbing her tit. FML

By oops - Canada - Victoria

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Today, I went out for pizza with my boyfriend. He loaned me his debit card and loudly announced in front of everyone that his pin code was the numerical equivalent of "Fart", and repeated it twice, just in case I hadn't heard. FML

By datingamoron - United States

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Today, I found out that the loving nickname my Chinese mother has been calling me my entire life essentially translates to "little retard". FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, I discovered a cold sore in my ear, which I need to treat with a cream. Because of health issues, I already have six different creams and lotions to apply to various parts of my body, including buttcrack and hair. FML

By Yudith - Canada - Montr?al

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Today, I broke a toe. It was not too bad and I can still walk, but the doctors had to tape it to the next toe to help it heal. Turns out I am allergic to the glue on the tape. The pain of the blisters covering two toes and the itch is worst than the break. FML

By floff

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Today, I accidentally hit an elderly man while driving. The police came, and five minutes later I was told that he confessed to walking in the middle of the road to get hit and claim compensation. He was fine, but I still got charged for hitting a pedestrian. FML

By FMLdude - Australia - Bexley

Scammed

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Today, I was hanging out with my friends, and we got the idea to do some improv comedy together for a laugh. Barely two minutes into our fake political debate, everyone had apparently forgotten it was all a joke. Raging ensued, and a vicious fight quickly followed. FML

By idiotfucks - New Zealand - Christchurch

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Today, I went to a gig. The drummer threw his drumsticks out at the end and I managed to catch one. With my face. Not only did I get a black eye, but the person next to me snatched the drumstick from my hands. FML

By mildlyconcussed - Italy - Somma Vesuviana

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Today, I was jumped and savagely beaten to the ground by a group of six-year-olds wearing Disney princess masks. FML

By 23yearoldtoddler - United States

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Today, I got an expensive return bus ticket to visit my family 200 miles away. I accidentally tore the ticket when taking it from the machine, but the driver said not to worry, as it would still be accepted on the way back. Guess who's still 200 miles from home. FML

By dumbbus - United Kingdom - Stockton-on-tees

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Today, as I was crossing the slush covered street to catch the bus, I slipped and fell right in the middle of the road. A woman in a car rolled down her window. She didn't ask if I was okay but just laughed and took a picture of me covered in cold, wet slush. FML

By hopeless cluts - Canada

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Today, after going to the ophthalmologist, I got some really cute glasses. When I got home, my dad saw them and told me that when he was in high school, they called girls with those glasses BC. When I asked what BC stood for, he said, "Birth control." FML

By Molly Lee - 16/10/2020 20:01 - United States

Stay safe

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Today, and for the last 8 months my upstairs neighbours have been making a tremendous noise. I finally decided to go up to complain: "The amount of noise you make is unbelievable ! It sounds like you're driving tractors up here!". The woman replies: "My husband is paraplegic..." FML

By Jared - France

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Today, having just told me what a great job I've been doing and how he'd really like to start giving me some more responsibility, my boss asked me if I'd sharpen a couple of pencils for him. FML

By Killmenow - United Kingdom

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Today, I was supposed to have sex with my ex after he’d been out of town for a week. After a lot of build up and sexting last night, I woke up sick and he hurt his leg. It’s like our bodies are telling us not to sleep together. FML

By booboo300

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Today, I was sternly told that if I didn't pass more students, I would be out of a job. I then went to my class to collect papers, and was stymied by how I could be giving passing grades to the 12 of 24 who didn't turn anything in. College students. FML

By Is McDonald's Hiring?

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Today, I was helping my Grandfather to sort through tubs and bins after cleaning out his attic, and I had to move a 50lb bin downstairs. That's when the dog thought it would be funny to block the top of the stairs as I was going down. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Dover

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Today, my regressive boss fired me because he found out I'm dating his daughter. Now I'm concerned what he might do if he finds out she's pregnant with my child. FML

By HoboWithACondom

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Today, I grabbed my t-shirt off the floor beside the bed and got up to walk my boyfriends dog. After several trips around the block and plenty of strange looks I got back upstairs and saw the used condom stuck to my sleeve from the night before. FML

By Username - United States

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Today, I was talking to my mom lamenting the fact that none of my few relationships seem to last longer than 2 months. She asked why and I said, "because I'm paranoid, obsessive compulsive, judgmental, defensive, and stubborn." Instead of encouraging me, she said, "Well, at least you're honest." FML

By lonely - United States

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Today, my boyfriend decided it would be hot to get it on in the gym storage room at school. Apparently so did my Chemistry and Drama teachers. FML

By TRAMATIZED - Canada

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Today, I had environmental science class. My teacher doesn't believe humans are affecting climate change or that we should protect endangered species. He slants class discussions so now all my classmates agree with him. FML

By sciencetime

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Today, I had a friend quit every friend group we shared, all because I refused to show him favouritism in my D&D campaign, after I changed the rules to reduce favouritism between everyone, because he'd complained. FML

By AfraidOfToxicity - 21/7/2020 02:02

Hypocrisy

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Today, my boyfriend called me in tears because the love of his life has decided to move on with another man. He is currently on his way over to cry on my shoulder about it. FML

By forreal

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Today, I told my mom about the rough time I'm having over my recent break-up, and how I can't help thinking about my ex every single day. Her attempt to console me involved saying, "Pft. I bet he doesn't think about you every day" and walking away. Thanks. FML

By Anonymous - Canada - London

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Today, I went on my first date in a year or so. It was going great, but after we left the restaurant, we went back to her place, where I was quickly chased out of the house by her two daughters, and her grandfather with a shotgun. FML

By Anonymous - 3/7/2020 08:01

Protection

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Today, I was reading a book on paper for the first time in maybe a month. I had to stop at a word I did not recognise. Because I'm so used to using a Kindle, I tried to get the definition by pressing it. I had my finger on the word for a few seconds before I realised it was paper. FML

By Bilze - United States - Burke

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Today, I tried hitting on the new receptionist at work. After a few flirtatious comments and subtly hinting that I thought she was bangable, she informed me that she's married to our boss. FML

By Spudzy - Australia - Gold Coast

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Today, I went on a blind date. People always joke about how horrible Axe is, but this guy sprayed it on so thick that I genuinely had to fight to not retch the entire time. It was so bad that at one point I thought I was going to pass out. FML

By pvcnutcrackingdomqueen4u - United States - Monmouth Junction

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Today, I fell into a hole. And by hole, I mean a sewer. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, despite having the choice of several bowls of clean water in the house, as well as puddles and ponds outside, my cat was drinking out of a pot I was soaking in the sink. She doesn’t seem to mind the taste of dish soap. FML

By Anonymous - 28/12/2020 05:01

Tasty

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