Home - FML

27874

6811

Today, I was speeding home, bursting to take a crap. I pulled into my driveway and made it inside, before my wife told me the plumber was still working on our pipes. I ended up having to take a crap in my own backyard, behind a tree. FML

By Anonymous - 13/11/2014 18:01 - United States - San Francisco

35721

3364

Today, I was working as the shift manager at my job at a fast food restaurant. Our company policy states that all employees must be clean shaven before coming to work. I had to inform one of the employees, Kris, that they had to shave before clocking in. Kris is a woman. FML

By Anonymous - 2/4/2009 18:21 - United States

70917

3535

Today, my boyfriend was buying a new hockey stick; to test it out he started hitting a ball around the aisle and decided to shoot it back into its bin. Instead the ball hit me dead in the mouth, giving me a fat lip. Instead of consoling me, my boyfriend yelled "GOAL!" FML

By Anonymous - 21/3/2011 03:34 - United States

36756

6668

Today, it was so windy that when a man walking in front of me sneezed, all of his saliva blew onto me. FML

By Anonymous - 5/6/2017 21:00 - Argentina

3530

186

Today, I came home to find out my roommate sold my PS4, because, "You don't use it anymore." FML

By Anonymous - 13/12/2014 05:05 - United States - San Diego

37001

2829

Today, my boss yelled at me for leaving on time. After months of management hounding us about our overtime, I get in trouble for doing what I was supposed to do. FML

By Anonymous - 6/12/2016 20:14

8737

511

Today, I went shopping with my sister. Looking for something to say, I told her how one of my friends had been burgled. Then I realised it was Bree on Desperate Housewives. FML

By Anonymous - 17/5/2009 13:24 - Ireland

18051

61006

Today, after years of going through hell to get my tonsils removed as an adult, I found out that they were my first line of defense against allergies. I used to have a very light reaction. Now my doc is making personal calls to get me to an allergist immediately. FML

By reyah49 - 8/6/2018 06:00

Spring is so great, right?

4586

580

OP here.. my "years of hell" were years of having strep throat, tonsillitis, etc at least 4 times a year, usually more. You cant go to work with this more often than not so i was constantly missing school and then work. No one outright said "I'm not taking your tonsils out", they'd just treat the symptoms and move on. Finally i asked to be sent to an ENT and there was no doubt in his mind that they...

reyah49 Say more :

By Tonya - 28/6/2009 03:01 - United States

Today, I left the house for a while and when I came back my husband was wearing my lacy lingerie. He looks better in it than I do. FML

50058

7725

Today, I caught my coworker masturbating in the bathroom. This was during her shift, while I was mopping the bathroom floors. FML

By OhGodWhy - 29/12/2016 23:30 - United States - Indianapolis

10529

795

Today, my mum, who always wanted more kids than just me, started crying because I'm not pregnant with her first grandchild yet. I'm 16, and this all started because I got my period and I asked to borrow one of her tampons because I'd ran out of my own. FML

By Anonymous - 29/7/2019 15:00 - United Kingdom - Oldbury

2049

Today, while at work, I witnessed a kid empty his bladder all over the floor. His mother walked over, looked at me, said "yep... that just happened" and dragged him away. I'm a 30-year-old man, four credits shy of a Master's, stuck cleaning up piss at a dead-end job. FML

By ihatewalmart - 29/6/2012 23:12 - United States

27763

3149

Today, I got fired from my job. My boss is my brother. His reason being that, "it would create awkward tension between us." I've been working for him for 5 years, and it's like he's only just realised that I was there. FML

By Anonymous - 7/6/2019 14:03

1576

Today, my 15-year-old birth daughter asked if I've ever had sex. FML

By Anonymous - 10/7/2013 16:38 - United States - Spencer

57291

8304

Today, I went to a party to see my crush. He offered me a drink and I declined telling him that I don't drink because alcohol makes people act stupid and crash their cars. He then saw me back into a car parked on the street and shatter my backlights as I reversed from the driveway to go home. FML

By icantdrive - 19/3/2009 04:22 - Canada

18225

73112

Today, I’ve been living in Poland for three months now. I had the brilliant idea to take out the trash at midnight after washing my hair. A minute later, my hair was completely frozen and I even managed to break some of it off. I can confirm that it was -30 °C. FML

By polskibus - 31/1/2012 05:55 - Poland

558

185

Today, my little brother texted me informing me that our father has "become a nudist" since returning home from a month-long trip abroad. I thought he was joking or exaggerating, but when I went over to say hi, the first thing I saw upon walking through the door was my dad's droopy ball sac. FML

By mubaki - 24/7/2009 17:07 - United States

56750

4502

Today, I was in bed, thinking about my crush and playing with myself, when I remembered the complicated spreadsheet my boss asked me to make tomorrow. That got me more excited than the thought of my crush. FML

By anonymous - 21/10/2009 22:40 - France

19697

7109

Today, I found out my dad spent most of the $500 I earned from mowing lawns on an Xbox 360 for himself. He was the one who encouraged me to put the money in the bank for college and to learn responsibility. I'm 14 years old. He's 37. FML

By Anonymous - 6/1/2010 18:19 - United States

38757

2834

Today, after working alone in a room all day, I let a fart sneak out. Just then, my drop dead gorgeous boss and two new girls walked in. I could literally see them hit the stench and cringe. FML

By stink - 1/7/2015 02:40 - Australia - Sydney

28264

4920

Today I was home sick from work because my doctor gave me a new pill that made me throw up violently. My boss called. I thought she was checking on me. She fired me instead. FML

By StupidJob - 1/9/2016 23:23 - United States - Batavia

14732

820

Today, I discovered that you should always unplug the electric mixer before licking the beaters. FML

By seanjohn268 - 29/11/2011 17:21 - Canada

11317

65995

Today, I fell asleep in the car on a 10+ hour trip with my family as soon as we got on the highway. When I woke up an hour later, I realized I'd had a wet dream. I had to sit next to my grandma with semen all over my thighs and boxers for the rest of the trip. FML

By MoneyMike - 12/3/2009 00:30 - United States

79802

11828

Today, my mom meant to send a picture of her poop to my aunt, but sent it to my swim coach instead. FML

By kobolobo - 11/8/2015 16:45 - United States - Redmond

25414

2120

My coach just sent back question marks. I'm pretty sure I'm more embarrassed than my mom.

kobolobo Say more :

By InterestingMuch - 18/8/2015 14:48 - United States - Virginia Beach

Today, my dad called to wish me a happy birthday. I said thank you but informed him that my birthday is tomorrow. He told me that I was wrong and screamed at me for 20 minutes. When I still wouldn't agree with him, he hung up and turned my phone service off. FML

24773

2204

The worst part about this is that he did this last year as well. Except last year, he called TWO days early and tried to shrug it off as a joke. This year, I think he was just super embarrassed and felt like crap. He DID turn my phone back on and called me today (the right day this time) and apologized. Said he was stressed from work. Maybe next year? 3rd time is the charm, right? I mean, he is getting...

InterestingMuch Say more :

By Sarah - 12/6/2012 16:59 - United States - Pipersville

Today, a hobo shook me down for money on the street. He's my brother, who incidentally ran away from home over two years ago. FML

37667

2781

Today, my 19 year old girlfriend dumped me because she thinks I'm immature. I'm 30. FML

By Benji - 22/1/2009 12:06 - France

10470

64919

Today, I was training a new girl at work. We're always told to find "common interests" with the people we are training to make it less awkward for them. Little did I know that our "common interest" would turn out to be my boyfriend. FML

By damnit. - 27/8/2012 03:13 - United States - Saint Louis

32718

1878

By FML Team - 21/1/2011 17:31

The FML exam

So, what about your exams? Are you sure you worked hard enough? You didn't spend the last few weeks checking the internet for American...

Today, I learned that toddlers cannot fully digest raisins. I learned this first-hand when my 15-month-old began pooping them whole. In the bathtub. FML

By Raela - 4/1/2013 16:59 - United States - Fort Lee

23592

7480

Today, my daughter announced on Facebook that she is directly descended from extra-terrestrials. That would be okay - except she's 25 and believes it's true. FML

By MotherofET - 11/7/2011 04:23 - Australia

31173

4456

Today, I learned that my mother counts my jeans as two pairs when she counts how many she's putting in for a load of wash. I've gotten that fat. FML

By Fatty Fatty Fatso - 5/5/2013 00:41 - United States - Somers

26540

38956

Today, I met with my realtor to close on a house for my boyfriend and me. While waiting for my boyfriend, I got a text message from him saying he was breaking up with me. I had already signed the papers on our house. Now I'm responsible for a mortgage that I can only afford with his help. FML

By housepoor - 7/7/2009 04:48 - United States

59581

14106

Today, the supervisory staff at work was changed in my area. The good news? My boyfriend is now my manager. The bad news? My ex, the guy I cheated on my boyfriend with, is our supervisor. FML

By nick_of_time - 23/5/2010 14:23 - United States

9594

74865

Lol, people are soo funny. I agree with half of the post on here. Karma is indeed a bitch but as for me saying FML because now they might find out and I'll get punished well, they both already know so not so much. BTW, no hearts were broken so wrong again.

nick_of_time Say more :

By Anonymous - 24/1/2013 00:17 - United Kingdom - Canterbury

Today, I made my first snowman ever, and then cried when my big brother kicked it to pieces. I'm 27. FML

34907

10288

Today, life gave me lemons, delivering them straight to my nuts via my neighbor's tennis ball shooter. FML

By Anonymous - 25/8/2011 04:24 - United States

29433

2752

Today, after moving back in with my parents, I found out they had held on to a chunk of mail still being sent during the time I had been changing my old address. Included was a summons to jury duty. FML

By Silentshdw13 - 14/3/2016 23:00 - United States - Arlington

17587

1395

Today, I was getting freaky with my boyfriend and told him to spank me. In a seductive voice, he told me not to tell him what to do. Continuing, I asked him how he was going to punish me, to which he then replied, "I'm going to punch you straight in the face." FML

By suckstosuck - 23/7/2013 04:04 - United States - Dana Point

62706

13485

Today, I decided to clean my room, find a job and ask a girl on a date. I ended up playing video games online. FML

By Noname - 16/1/2009 23:19 - Canada

11225

44824