Random FML

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Today, I went to a café and got some soup. When I was done, a nice waiter came over and offered to take my mostly empty soup bowl. I quickly at the last of it, looked up smiling and said "thanks". The soup dribbled out of my mouth and onto his hand. FML

By Anonymous - 15/8/2014 05:06 - United States - Arlington Heights

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Today, while waiting for my mom to pick me up from university, I took out my phone and pretended to talk to someone. I didn't think people still pointed and laughed, but apparently they do when your mom pulls up and shouts, "Stop pretending to talk to someone." FML

By Anonymous - 26/11/2011 05:54 - United States

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Today, I went to a hockey game. While warm-ups were happening, my favourite player pointed at me and tossed me a puck. It bounced off my hand into another girl's, who was a fan of the other team. She refused to give it back, then walked away and said, "I can't wait to sell this on eBay." FML

By Anonymous - 10/8/2015 19:54 - Canada - Burlington

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Today, I yet again had to pretend to be a dumb bimbo so that my boyfriend wouldn't get upset over the fact that, in some cases, I might be smarter than him. FML

By yeah hun i think insects arent animals too - 9/10/2013 07:51 - Germany - Leipzig

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Today, I'm staying with my grandma and her older sister while my parents are away. It's been two hours and so far they've popped vicodins, talked about banging Alex Trebek, and had a farting contest. FML

By imgonnadie - 7/9/2014 15:11 - United States - Spring Hill

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Today, while in an ambulance after being in a car wreck, the EMT told me I would need to sign some electronic paperwork. He held it above my head for me to sign and promptly dropped it on my my face, breaking my nose. FML

By TayRenee - 30/1/2017 14:00 - United States - Rock Hill

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Today, I gave a big presentation at work. The manager decided to video tape it. I went through my presentation with ease and was confident I did a good job. My confidence was then lowered after watching the tape. Apparently, my boobs are much more interesting than what I had to say. FML

By Viridian - 12/5/2009 13:41 - United States

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Today, my 63-year-old neighbor jumped out of his window. I was the first to find him, alive, naked and stuck in a bush. I guess I shouldn't have laughed at him while waiting for the ambulance, because he was my landlord. FML

By Benji - 13/10/2008 08:32

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Today, three days after finally having a bed to sleep on, I woke up with multiple bedbug bites. I can't use my blankets, wear any of my clothes and it's back to sleeping on the floor for me. FML

By fml - 21/2/2015 02:54 - United States - Denver

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Today, my mom walked into my room to talk to me. I was surprised because we don't talk much. I was left with a smile on my face after she left, until I realized she'd stolen all the candy on my desk while I wasn't looking. FML

By love you too mommy - 27/1/2014 19:26 - United States - Brentwood

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Today, I woke up thinking my house was on fire because I could hear crackling flames downstairs. I panicked and tripped out of bed. It was the fireplace channel I left on last night so I could wake up to a Christmas ambiance. FML

By Anonymous - 26/12/2012 02:46 - Canada - Saint Albert

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Today, at 6 am, I was suddenly jerked from the warm embraces of sleep by the smell of poo. I was very groggy and confused when my hand landed in something wet and cold. I turned on the light and was horrified to find that my kitten took a huge dump in my bed. It was everywhere. FML

By piliseep - 1/12/2017 09:00 - United States - Apex

Good Meowrning!

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Today, I was rejected for a dream photography job that involves travelling all over the world, because according to the interviewer, half the photos in my nature portfolio were "blatantly photoshopped." I guess reality isn't realistic enough for some people. FML

By Anonymous - 24/11/2012 01:29 - Canada - Edmonton

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Today, I was clipping my abnormally thick toenails. I had to apply so much pressure on the clippers that a nail flew off, hit me in the eyeball and scratched my cornea. The doctor nearly fell off his chair laughing during my eye exam after I told him what happened. FML

By Anonymous - 6/2/2016 01:34 - United States - Jacksonville

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Today, my best friend told me he masturbates to my Instagram page. Thanks, I guess. FML

By battle1 - 17/7/2015 11:00 - United States - Marietta

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Today, my upstairs neighbor congratulated me on keeping him 'til dawn with my girlfriend and the chick in the apartment next to us. He doesn't know how I got them to agree to a threesome. Since I was at my folks all weekend, neither do I. FML

By butch - 13/11/2009 07:04 - United States

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Today, I went to a restaurant for lunch. The waiter brought some bread and I started eating it as I waited for him to take my order. When he approached me he looked at me and said, "Don't eat too much bread honey. It'll make you fatter." Not fat, fatter. I never thought of myself as fat. FML

By Anonymous - 14/7/2009 18:03 - Spain

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Today, my girlfriend smelt my penis after I got back from the gym. She was making sure it didn't smell like latex. I can't even go to the gym without her thinking I'm cheating on her. FML

By evomadrid24 - 17/6/2011 00:33 - United States

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Today, I came home from work and turned on the computer. I logged onto Facebook and saw I had a bunch of notifications. Turns out, everyone on Facebook knew I was single before I did. FML

By Anonymous - 6/8/2019 18:00

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Today, I wore a beautiful new dress that I got for £5 only in a sale. I've been turning heads in it all day. When I got home, my mum pulled the massive red £5 tag off of the back. FML

By Adalia - 3/10/2009 15:38 - United Kingdom

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Today, an old man, while I was working, asked me to spell average-length words. Confused, I refused. Turns out I was apparently taking too long counting the large amount of small change he'd given to me, and he assumed I couldn't count or spell. I study law, and I've learned basic calculus. Welcome to retail. FML

By NoOrdinaryNZer - 30/10/2016 11:09 - New Zealand - Christchurch

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Today, I was driving my parrot home from the vet. As I was driving home, I decided to let her sit on my shoulder. Something scared her, and she started flapping in my face, causing me to crash my car into a tree. FML

By Anna - 15/6/2012 09:43 - United States - Buellton

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Today, while cleaning my desk I found a stray gumball. I quickly popped it into my mouth only to discover with horror that it was a paintball. FML

By Anonymous - 15/4/2015 22:52 - Canada - Ottawa

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Today, I decided to do a word search in my daughter's Hello Kitty coloring book. It took me 30 minutes to find 6 words in a kids coloring book for ages 1 and up. FML

By ldbella - 27/2/2011 08:42 - United States

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Today, I got a parking ticket while I was in the car. I didn't even notice it happen. Ninja cops do exist. FML

By Anonymous - 8/5/2012 02:52 - United States

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Today, I was eating pizza with my boyfriend and my friends. I was laughing and talking and went for another piece when my boyfriend grabbed my wrist and said that I had had enough. My friends all backed him up. FML

By fatgirl - 16/5/2010 04:08 - United States

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Today, I'm heading towards my car clutching a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend, when along comes a sweet old lady who says: "it's not flowers she wants, it's some lovin'!". The elderly sure aren't what they used to be. FML

By DarkPhoenix - 4/12/2008 11:16 - France

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Today, I went to my fiancé's house to have dinner with his family for the first time. Trying to be polite at the end of the meal I went to take the plates in to the kitchen. I overestimated how heavy the half-finished soup pot was, and threw soup all over myself and future mother-in-law. FML

By Damnsoup - 3/7/2009 00:12 - United Kingdom

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Today, after realizing I had 130 unused vacation hours, I requested two weeks off. My vacation time was denied, but my boss still gave me the time off. So I don't have work for 2 weeks, all unpaid. FML

By Stevejobs - 26/11/2018 17:30

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Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend and told him how smitten I was with him. He responded by giving me a wedgie. FML

By :( - 27/4/2011 06:54

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Today, I got fired from my job. My manager found Facebook pictures of me drinking underage at a party. He said he didn't want "that kind of image" associated with the business. It was his birthday party. He supplied the booze. FML

By Anonymous - 23/12/2010 10:04 - United States

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Today, my twin boys who are 5 decided to teach each other how to fly off the shed out back. They are still in their pajamas. Batman's arm is broken and Spiderman has a slight concussion. FML

By optimistic2628 - 19/10/2011 14:03 - United States

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Today, I was invited to a party, but I didn't attend because my boyfriend would be disappointed with me. Instead, I spent the night with him watching movies. At the end of the night, he broke up with me because I wasn't fun enough. FML

By Funless - 18/8/2010 16:52 - United States

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Today, I went to my friend's house. While she went to the kitchen, I noticed a little pink pastry on her desk. It looked really good, so I decided to take a bite before she got back. As I bit into it, a sizzling noise started, and foam overflowed in my mouth. It was a bath bomb. FML

By skywayavenue - 19/3/2009 05:09 - Canada

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Today, I had to explain to my husband why I was assuming that he was planning to attend my graduation ceremonies for my PhD next week. He still doesn't understand why he has to be there, and is pissed that he will miss his weekly pub crawl with his friends. FML

By married life - 16/5/2013 05:58 - Canada - Coquitlam

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Today, I found my mother in tears, so I asked her what was wrong. She told me, "It's your father, he wants a divorce..." I asked if he'd met another woman, and my mom replied "No, not a woman..." FML

By Anonymous - 5/3/2011 11:43 - France

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Today, my boss had to order some more work pants since mine were worn out after 7 months. He told me the next set I would have to buy myself since they last workers about 2 years, and I must be treating them too roughly. I didn't want to admit that my thighs rubbing together ended up shredding the fabric. FML

By thickly - 19/9/2016 17:31 - United States - Fayetteville

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Today, I got invited to a big upperclassmen party that underclassmen don't normally get invited to. I was feeling really good when I got there and saw that the girl I'm in love with was there. They stole my pants and gave me a swirly. Her reaction was to post pictures on Facebook. FML

By wetandpantsless - 4/10/2009 04:15 - United States

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Today, the parent of a student called to ask me about a homework assignment. At the end of the call, she told me that I seem to be losing my "Asian accent" from when she first talked to me in the summer. I was born in the US, grew up in NJ and speak perfect English. FML

By kdubz23 - 17/2/2014 22:41 - United States - Pittsburgh

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