Display options

Only the FMLs I didn't vote on | All the FMLs

Today, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. She also said I'm going to be an uncle. FML

by captainuniverse / 05/14/2016 at 1:53am / United States (Tennessee) / Kids

Today, I had to cover for my coworker who didn't turn up for work. He is always late for work and I was pissed off about having to cover for him again so I said to my colleagues "He better be either in hospital or dead." Turns out he was dead. FML

by mcdeez / 09/21/2009 at 10:06pm / New Zealand (Auckland) / Work

Today, my dad nearly had a head-on collision with another car, but I grabbed the wheel at the last second, potentially saving both our lives. He spent the rest of the car trip pissed at me because I'd "interfered" with his driving. FML

by laurlaur / 08/05/2011 at 5:47pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Health

Today, I was fired from my job because I would "scare" the customers. Two days ago a coworker spilled fry oil onto the grill causing flames to singe my eyebrows and the front of my hair off. FML

by RandomLG94 / 10/31/2015 at 4:35pm / United States (Maryland) / Work

Today, I was on a 12 hour trans-Atlantic flight overseas. I asked the flight attendant where this rancid smell was coming from. The guy sitting next to me started laughing, saying, "Sorry, something I ate is not agreeing with me." This was hour 1 of the flight. FML

by whatsmccraken / 09/10/2009 at 8:37am / Taiwan (T'ai-wan) / Transportation

Today, I got on an elevator with a woman and her child. I was the first one on. When she stepped on, the capacity alarm went off. As she left she told her daughter that's why fat people shouldn't be allowed in public. I'm 145 lbs. She was twice my size. I got called fat by a hippopotamus. FML

by warp_routine / 03/31/2009 at 10:17am / United States (Vermont) / Health

Today, my dad planted and "discovered" a pack of cigarettes in my backpack to distract my mom from his gambling problem. FML

by Ginna / 10/29/2010 at 2:29pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was babysitting a 6 year-old and a 9 year-old. After they went to bed, I started working on a project for on my laptop that was due in 12 hours and fell asleep. I woke up to a dog licking my peanut buttered keyboard and the two kids sitting in the corner giggling. FML

by Kendall14159 / 05/21/2016 at 10:14pm / United States (Florida) / Kids

Today, I had a mental breakdown after going through severe depression for several years. I told my boyfriend that everybody thinks I'm useless, to which he replied, "No you're not. You cook me good dinners." FML

by Suicidal / 12/20/2009 at 5:40pm / Australia (Queensland) / Health

Today, it's my boyfriend's birthday. He really likes Legend of Zelda, so I put on a Link hat, took my clothes off, and waited for him at his place. He came home with a hooker. FML

by excusemeprincess / 02/11/2013 at 12:08pm / United States (New York) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, a girl I've liked for the longest time kept asking me to reveal my "deepest secret" in exchange for hers. Thinking this was flirting, I told her my secret was that I liked her. Her secret was that she was a "lesbian and just had to tell somebody." FML

by malcolmXXX / 10/13/2015 at 10:01pm / United States (Georgia) / Love

Today, I discovered my mom has over 20 sites bookmarked on her laptop, all having to do with 'How To Boost Your Insecure Teen's Confidence' or 'How To Help Your Overweight Teen Have A Positive Self Image'. Thanks, mommy. FML

by Noname / 02/04/2009 at 6:04pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I used a prank app, where you shake the cell, and it makes the screen looks cracked. I ended up losing my grip on the phone. It went flying, and it is now cracked for real. FML

by Anonymous / 06/10/2012 at 2:24am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend admitted the reason he was dating me was because he has a fetish for grandmothers and apparently I look, smell, and act like one. FML

by grannygirlfriend / 12/06/2011 at 12:13pm / United States / Love

Today, I found out that my over-controlling parents would be moving in next door. I'm almost 23, and moved 5,365 KM away to get away from them. FML

by OhLovely / 10/31/2012 at 9:39pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, my best friend who I have known for ten years recommended I didn't continue a relationship with my girlfriend. I thought she wanted to go out with me which I was hoping for, for a long time. Turns out she wanted to go out with her. FML

by anonymous / 10/19/2011 at 8:19am / Australia (Victoria) / Love

Today, my house got broken into. Thankfully they didn't steal anything. They did, however, move things around into strange places and mess up my underwear. I have severe OCD, so this is probably worse than if they had taken everything. FML

by WTFwhywouldyoudothat / 08/22/2011 at 6:10pm / United Kingdom (Rotherham) / Miscellaneous

Today, it's garbage day. My mom accidentally threw away a receipt she needed to return something and told me to go get it. While I was looking for it, a cop gave me hell for "stealing recyclables on private property." This all happened in my front lawn. FML

by Anonymous / 08/14/2012 at 2:12pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got into my first car accident. I side swiped the truck next to me merging into another lane. He was in my blind spot. It was a cop. FML

by bym5052 / 07/14/2011 at 8:28pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Transportation

Today, I was driving when a guy in a truck swerved in front of me. I didn't realize I'd sworn until I'd come to a red light and my one year old daughter yelled her own version of what I said. She now yells "Chicken in the hole!" whenever the car comes to a stop. FML

by Mommy / 06/26/2011 at 4:47pm / United States (Oregon) / Kids

Today, my mother still refuses to acknowledge my son as her grandson, all because I had a C-section, which she says is unnatural and against God's will. I only had the C-section in the first place for health reasons. FML

by Victoria / 07/12/2016 at 10:10am / Miscellaneous

Today, I snuck out of the house for a night on the town. When I got back, I found all the doors and windows bolted shut. My sister's laughing face at my bedroom window suggests I'll be spending the rest of the night outside. FML

by cock sauce / 06/09/2012 at 5:15pm / Switzerland (Luzern) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend came over to see me after almost a month of us not spending time together. Unfortunately, he came straight from bar-hopping with his friends and was wasted. He's currently naked in bed, cooing at his penis, and giggling like a little girl. FML

by kvdfan / 08/27/2012 at 8:57am / United States / Love

Today, I was out shopping. It was fine until my dental crossbow broke as I was laughing. The springs locked, and I couldn't close my mouth. The orthodontist couldn't see me for two hours, leaving me to walk around town with my mouth hanging open like a psychopath. FML

by rockyrocket / 04/26/2011 at 3:19pm / Canada (New Brunswick) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my sister asked me to let her dog out of the kennel when I got home. I did only to have the little beast bite me. She then ate the entire content of the cat's litter box, which she couldn't keep down. FML

by ginya / 06/06/2016 at 9:58pm / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, I showed my daughter video footage from a security camera that showed her using her employee key to enter the store I own, disarming the alarm, and stealing several very valuable items. Her defense? That someone had "photoshopped" the video. We'll see how that goes down in court. FML

by Anonymous / 09/04/2015 at 1:01pm / United States (California) / Money

Today, I asked a boy I like to prom by writing all over his car. After nervously sitting by the phone all day, I decided to go out to get lunch. I found the word "No!" written all over my car. FML

by lauren / 03/30/2009 at 1:39am / United States (Wisconsin) / Love

Today, after months of Tinder-ing, first dates and being rejected, I finally was able to hook up with a girl. We met, we kissed, we danced and I took her back to my place. She then promptly tried to make out with my roommate. FML

by Anonymous / 11/08/2015 at 7:18pm / Netherlands / Love

Today, I was sitting on the wooden edge of my coffee table watching my sister's boyfriend play Halo 2, when I leaned back to stretch and shattered the center pane of glass in the table. I now have a large gash in my ass. FML

by Kaganate / 02/08/2010 at 7:32pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was the only one in an elevator when an attractive girl came in, talking on her phone. She told her friend, "I have to go, there's a cute guy on this elevator." Before I could even react, she turned to me and said, "Sorry for lying, I really wanted to get off the phone with her." FML

by TuralSucks / 03/10/2009 at 9:10pm / United States (Nebraska) / Love

Today, my father contacted me for the first time in years to ask about my upcoming wedding and possibly walking me down the aisle. He claimed the only reason he left was because he thought I'd be gay. I am. FML

by Anonymous / 01/12/2016 at 4:03pm / United States (Tennessee) / Love

Today, I got really bored so I posted on Facebook "Someone should kidnap me for the day." My mom commented, "The only things willing to kidnap you are aliens, and that would be because they'd mistaken you for a cow." 16 people liked her comment. FML

by LonerCow / 01/20/2012 at 10:15am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I hugged my dad. Since I don't hug him very much, he was confused. When I pulled away from him, smiling, he slapped me, saying the smiling and the hug made it look like I was "up to something." FML

by teentee401 / 07/07/2014 at 1:04pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my wife shaved her pubic hair so that it resembles Hitler's mustache. She won't stop referring to it as "the Clitler". FML

by Anonymous / 05/02/2013 at 8:50pm / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I came home from a relaxing, peaceful vacation. When I got home my 4-year-old son was free-balling with poop all over his body, screaming "Bob the Builder will kick your ass." The baby sitter is nowhere to be found and I can't get him to stop saying, "I love ass." FML

by Anonymous / 03/27/2013 at 4:00am / United States (California) / Holidays

Today, I went camping with my husband not too far from our house. We got our tent pitched up, stove ready and roll-out bed out. He then said, "I'm just gonna go for a walk." It had been about an hour before I decided to go find him. He had walked home to play CoD. FML

by AnnoyedWoman / 08/17/2014 at 6:19am / United Kingdom (Southampton) / Love

Today, I woke up to the sounds of fire alarms. Panicked and assuming it was my neighbor's gas furnace that set it off, I nearly broke their baby's bedroom window trying to wake them up. Turns out my roof leaked into the fire alarm, causing an electrical fire. It was my first day here. FML

by babysonfire / 03/31/2016 at 5:40pm / United States /

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I woke up with a splitting headache. I have no idea what happened the night before, except for the fact that I'd tucked two uncapped vodka bottles into bed beside me, and now my room reeks of a Russian sorority house. FML

by Anonymous / 04/06/2012 at 12:58pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, my daughter turned Emo. FML

by nyaahaha / 09/01/2011 at 11:44pm / United States / Kids

Today, I had a dream I was on the toilet taking the longest piss known to man. Unfortunately, it was partially true. FML

by geez_wth / 05/06/2012 at 7:54am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Refresh this page here to get more FMLs!