Random FML

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Today, while jogging, a guy tackled me and got my iPhone. Being a good runner, I caught up with him and grabbed him. Next thing I knew, I was on the ground with a policeman yelling in my ear. The guy got away. FML

By anonymous - 5/7/2013 06:11 - United States - Saint Paul

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Today, I walked into work, and the first question my boss asks me is "Are those your pajamas?" I was wearing my favorite outfit. FML

By Anonymous - 20/10/2009 02:38 - United States

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Today, I called my mother crying, telling her how my husband has apparently been cheating on me for months. To my surprise, she didn't interrupt me or cut me off the whole time. Only when she didn't respond, did I realize she'd hung up a half an hour ago. FML

By ILOVELEDZEPPELIN - 6/7/2014 20:27 - United States - Wakefield

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Today, I awoke to make-up all over my face and nail polish on my hands and feet because my daughter wanted "daddy to look pretty." I have a job interview in an hour and none of it is coming off. FML

By Anonymous - 27/4/2011 19:16 - United States

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Today, I returned from a half-month long trip to China with a group of friends. After throwing myself into my mother's arms and bursting into tears, she stops me to say 'Listen...these last couple of weeks have been some of the best I've ever had. Can we try to keep it like that?' FML

By DuCkBuBbLeS - 20/2/2009 21:19 - United States

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Today, on my first day of being a trainee teacher in a classroom, I told a boy to stop using that stupid accent or else I'll give him a detention. Turns out he just moved here from Romania. FML

By KillMeNow - 18/10/2011 16:08 - United Kingdom

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Today, I learned that it's possible to get hit by a bird while bungee jumping. FML

By SebastianCT - 19/8/2015 17:44 - United States - Tampa

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Today, for our anniversary, I sang my boyfriend a heartfelt, self-written song. The first thing he said when I finished was "Your fly is open." FML

By zippersaremoreimportantthansentiments - 1/2/2014 08:11 - United States - Montgomery

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Today, I attended a cooking class with my co-workers. As the chef prepared to cut up a load of onions for his dish, he warned us to be ready for the "typical reactions". Everyone teared up. Meanwhile, I popped a boner. So much for typical. FML

By Anonymous - 16/5/2013 20:54 - United States - Woodbridge

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Today, I introduced my Spanish friend to a girl I've had a crush on for a long time. Because he only spoke Spanish and she only spoke English, I was the translator. The first thing he said to her was, "You are really pretty." I translated it as "I like other men." Later, they found out. FML

By needurlove - 15/4/2012 06:49 - United States - Sandpoint

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Today, I was promoted. After going to school for 10 months to get certified for the new position, training extensively, and taking on a ton more responsibility, I was hoping for a decent raise. How much do my bosses think all of that time and effort is worth? One dollar more per hour than I made before. FML

By megs - 10/12/2016 12:49

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Today, being the prank couple that we are, I decided to mess with my husband. When he got off work, I said, "The lady from your office called and said she was pregnant. From you." He immediately broke down crying, and said, "I knew it." Turns out, my fetus already has a sibling. FML

By oops - 21/9/2013 01:30 - United States - Wichita Falls

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Today, I refused to go down on my boyfriend of 9 months. He then shoved me off the couch and, half crying, yelled that I was the third girl this week to turn him down. After sobbing for a bit, he looked me in the eyes and said, "I need you to do this so I can prove my manhood." FML

By saywhat - 9/4/2013 11:05 - United States - Yakima

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Today, at 2 in the afternoon, I walked in on my 6-year-old making coffee. When I asked what he was doing, he said, "You were being grumpy, and you said coffee makes you not so grumpy." FML

By my_way_1213 - 9/6/2018 20:30

Smart kid.

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Today, I was upset after my boyfriend and I broke up. My best friend heard and told me she would be right over. Three hours of waiting later she stumbles in wasted. She had been at the bar, with my ex, making sure he was okay. For me, I just got a list of all the drinks she had that night. FML

By dreadedmafia86 - 12/3/2010 00:22 - United States

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Today, I decided to go swimming. I knew my technique would be off because I haven't swam since high school. It was when I made it only halfway across the pool that the lifeguard decided to jump in and save me. I wasn't drowning or struggling. FML

By anonymous - 10/6/2009 22:50 - United States

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Today, after it appeared my daughter was throwing away any vegetables in her school lunch, I packed her all vegetables so she would have to eat at least one. Nope! She threw them out and complained to school that "mommy doesn't feed" her. I got a call from the school. FML

By mom - 26/4/2018 15:00

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Today, I asked my landlady if she could fix the air conditioner that's been broken since I moved in. Instead, she came round and took away my bathroom mirror, along with all the toilet paper. FML

By meh - 26/5/2015 05:09 - Australia - Brisbane

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Today, I finally found the courage to ask a guy I like out for a drink. He accepted, we drank, and when it came time to go home, I half-drunkenly left him my number. Once I got back home, I realized I'd actually given him my dad's number instead. FML

By 3some? uh, no - 1/2/2013 19:59 - Dominican Republic

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Today, I actually had to explain to my husband why his habit of wiping his boogers off into our baby's hair has to stop. FML

By grossedout - 29/8/2013 16:26 - United States - Endicott

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Today, I realized the senior thesis I turned in last week uses the word "asses" instead of "assess" 17 times. FML

By fuckspellcheck - 28/4/2009 18:47 - United States

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Today, I sent my boyfriend of three and a half years a text message spilling my heart out, saying I'll love him forever, and how much I appreciate him in my life, that I want to be the mother of his children, etc. His text back to me? "Are you drunk?!?" FML

By Anonymous - 23/4/2009 13:35 - United States

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Today, I thought I'd locked my house keys in my locker at work. Not having any replacement nearby, I decided to cut the padlock with the saw of my pocket-knife. It took 20 minutes and four cuts into my hand to destroy the padlock. It took another five seconds to find the missing key in my jacket. FML

By Lockout - 31/8/2015 20:01 - Germany - Kiel

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Today, my non-English-speaking grandma bought me a new t-shirt. It would've been sweet if it didn't have the word "bondage" written on the back in pretty, bold letters. I had no choice but to wear it while we went shopping. FML

By Anonymous - 23/3/2014 16:59 - Egypt

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Today, I was lying in a lawn chair next to my wooden fence when a yellow liquid started spraying me. The neighbor's douchebag son was peeing through the small hole in the fence and soaked me. FML

By pist - 13/5/2018 01:30

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Today, my boyfriend sent me a picture. In the mirror I could see a bra and thong sitting on his bed. They weren't mine. FML

By eeelise5296 - 1/3/2012 20:39 - United States

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Today, I accidentally dropped my phone in the toilet. I automatically dove my hand in and ran out of the stall with it. As I dried it, some girls were laughing. I assumed that they were laughing because my phone fell in the toilet. Then I noticed my pants were still down. FML

By tmac - 4/4/2009 01:42 - United States

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Today, I got pulled over for drunk driving. This is the second time its happened. I was completely sober both times. FML

By Anonymous - 14/3/2012 07:33 - United States

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Today, my best friend texted me and told me she broke up with her boyfriend. Trying to be supportive, I sent a long message about how he never deserved her and that I was there for her if she needed someone to vent to. She replied, "Are you high?" FML

By indefiniteforest - 10/9/2016 04:11 - United States - Hillsboro

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Today, I woke up to 15 texts from my mom, 6 missed calls, and with no bra or shirt on in a random guy's bed. Welcome to spring break, ladies and gentleman. FML

By Anonymous - 27/3/2016 03:53 - United States - Indianapolis

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Today, I work 732 miles away from my wife and three children, and I rarely get to go home. After giving up many hours of family time to work on my last home visit, I returned to work only to have my boss accuse me of stealing time, dock me 50 hours, and "review" my employment for termination. FML

By I'm over it - 16/1/2016 02:09 - United States

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Today, while joking and chatting with a coworker on my way to the bathroom, I misjudged the distance to the entrance and slammed my head into the wall. My coworker told everyone. So now I'm funny, but not for the reason I wanted to be. FML

By Anonymous - 18/9/2019 20:00

Head, meet wall

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Today, one of my classmates pointed out that our professor has a habit of sucking his teeth at the end of each sentence. I'd never noticed before. I can't concentrate anymore, all I can focus on is his weird teeth noise thing. FML

By taternuts - 26/11/2011 12:18 - Canada

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Today, I saw two kids having a fistfight in the street. I ran over to stop them, and one ended up hitting me in the eye. I now have a black eye over what turned out to have been a fight over who was going to get the last slice of pizza. FML

By ahuman - 29/9/2013 05:10 - United States

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Today, I bought a $3000 HD camera. It never shipped to my house, so I was concerned. I then realized I had given the seller the address for a house in California. I live in Maine. FML

By musicgod123 - 29/12/2010 16:56 - France

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Today, I attempted to be nice and hold a door open for a person in a wheelchair. He hit the button to open another door. While I pointed out that I would hold the door for him, I realized that the door I was holding open for him led down some stairs. FML

By Anonymous - 28/9/2010 00:44 - United States

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Today, I called my husband and asked him what he wanted from our favorite fast food place. A divorce. FML

By anonymous - 18/12/2019 20:00 - United States - San Angelo

Fast food dinner

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Today, I was looking for a moustache comb, couldn't find it anywhere. Then I noticed it in a basket by the toilet with scissors. My wife's been using it to trim her pubes. FML

By CJ - 12/8/2016 01:02 - Canada - Lethbridge

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Today, I was getting into the mood with my boyfriend. Ten minutes into it, I told him to "teach me a lesson." His response: "I ain't no teacher." FML

By unforgettablee - 29/4/2013 07:08 - United States - Los Angeles

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