Random FMLs

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Today, I sat in bumper-to-bumper traffic for half an hour. The entire time, a man I had gone on a date with and that had gotten very out of hand with, was sitting in the car next to me. I noticed, panicked, and tried to drive off, rear-ending the car in front of me. FML

By Skankeriffic - 19/2/2010 05:13 - United States

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Today, I was walking out of Starbucks when I sneezed, causing coffee to burn my nose. I screamed, dropped it, and sent scorching coffee all over my legs while dropping everything else I was holding. FML

By SplashOuch - 5/1/2010 17:58 - United States

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Today, I bought a lanyard for my new car keys. "Epic Fail" was printed on it. Not two hours after getting it and putting my keys on it, I locked them in my car. I don't have a spare. FML

By Anonymous - 25/9/2011 04:18 - United States

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Today, it's my birthday and my kids made me a card. Unfortunately, my kids used the wall for paper. Now I have red and blue crayon all over my bedroom wall. FML

By nicchick411 - 27/3/2011 15:17 - United States

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Today, I went to court to file a small claim and found myself at the end of a huge line. The moment I got to the front of the line, the fire alarm went off and we all had to leave the building. The moment I got outside, the alarm stopped and everybody rushed back in. I'm at the back of the line. FML

By Dante178 - 8/12/2011 20:41 - United States

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Today, my roommate was complaining about a headache, so I offered her some aspirin. She looked at me like I was stupid and said, "Uh... That stuff's only for heart attacks." I'm living with an idiot. FML

By indefiniteforest - 20/2/2017 13:00 - United States - Hillsboro

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Today, I ran into my parents bedroom after I heard my name and what sounded like painful screams. When I opened the door my parents were on top of each other laughing hysterically. They needed me to find the key to the handcuffs. FML

By Anonymous - 7/9/2009 21:20 - United States

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Today, I went to meet the girl I'd been talking to online for a while, and fallen in love with. When I arrived at her house, my brother answered the door and took a picture of my shocked face. He and his girlfriend had planned the entire thing because I'm apparently the most gullible member of the family. FML

By phonesage - 13/12/2010 20:29 - United States

Catfished

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Today, my boyfriend of 4 years proposed to me. I wasn't expecting anything too romantic, but I would have liked something more than an email from Facebook, requesting my confirmation that we were engaged. FML

By Anonymous - 8/6/2009 10:41 - Singapore

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Today, I brought a boy over to my house to help with a history project. My mom suddenly swooped in and bombarded him with questions about his and my sex life, and how she wants to have exactly four grandchildren. FML

By Anonymous - 1/12/2012 06:06 - United States - Friendswood

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Today, I annoyed my friend by texting him 'meow' over and over at random times of the day because when he's drunk he meows in his sleep. Apparently a great way to get back at me was to tell my parents I wasn't a virgin and that I got high on Wednesday. He had pictures to prove it for both. FML

By Fcuked - 23/3/2011 04:40 - New Zealand

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Today, I was feeling confident enough to approach a guy by asking the bartender if I could buy him a refill of whatever he was drinking. He was drinking water. FML

By Anonymous - 26/11/2009 03:28 - United States

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Today, right after sex, my girlfriend apologized to the neighbor for the screaming. He thanked her for the entertainment. FML

By AirOne - 12/11/2008 14:39 - United States

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Today, I helped my best friend step out of the friendzone. As a result, I don't have a boyfriend anymore. FML

By Tiana - 30/5/2021 22:01

How the…?

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Today, the guy I like shoved me out of the way so he could talk to another girl. FML

By Anonymous - 20/11/2013 21:06 - Canada - Windsor

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Today, I was telling my students that it's unnecessary to put arrows on the bottom of the page to tell me there's work on the back, I check it anyway. At the end of the day, at least 6 kids came up to me asking to change their grade because I forgot to grade the back. They hadn't put arrows. FML

By Anonymous - 4/3/2011 01:52 - United States

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Today, my friends and I were going to do an ugly sweater photo shoot. When we met up, one of them was wearing a sweater I gave on her birthday. FML

By ravlol - 25/11/2011 18:08 - United States

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Today, I got a XXX wax, because my boyfriend wouldn't go down on me as he didn't like the hair. Now he won't sleep with me at all because I look like a child with no pubic hair, and he "feels like a pedophile." FML

By hairless - 30/7/2010 06:45 - Australia

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Today, I pulled up next to a lady who was trying to text, smoke, and drive. My brother said that she was probably going to cause an accident. He was right. At the next light she hit us. She then yelled that I purposely caused the accident because, "that's how teenagers are". FML

By Anonymous - 3/5/2014 05:00 - United States - Las Vegas

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Today, my girlfriend stuck her finger up my butt while giving me a hand-job, promising it would feel really good. It just felt awkward and made me need to poop. FML

By Brax - 30/5/2012 09:46 - United States

Are you experienced?

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Today, my younger sister said that she was going to pray for her brother's HIV. I have Primary Immune Disease (PID) not HIV. School will be very interesting tomorrow. FML

By Anonymous - 1/3/2010 00:03 - United States

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Today, after working for 12 hours in the cold rain on muddy terrain, my coordinator drove down a hill and didn't come back. I was stuck in the middle of nowhere, forced to walk two hours uphill back to HQ to find him there. FML

By my first job - 6/4/2016 20:02 - Canada - Westerose

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Today, I had my first orgasm. Unfortunately, it was during breakup sex. FML

By Depression... - 10/10/2012 06:01 - United States

We finally made it

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Today, as we were going through airport security, my mom tried to joke with the person searching her bag, saying, "Just don't take out my vibrator!" She practically shouted it for the whole line to hear. FML

By Embarrassed Daughter - 18/7/2017 08:26 - United States - Erlanger

Mom Jokes FTW

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Today, I wanted to take a bubble bath with the jets in the bath that I haven't used in years. When I got in, it took me a while to realize that the jets had squirted out slime and a family of unidentifiable bugs that have probably been living there for years. FML

By juliannamelissa - 6/9/2012 06:38 - United States - Philadelphia

Relaxing

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Today, at work a customer yelled at me, called me a 'fucking bitch', 'a fat whore', and, told me to lose weight because I wouldn't let her in the grocery store I work at to buy lettuce, after we'd closed. Lettuce for her lizard. FML

By midnightblade163 - 13/1/2016 12:06 - Australia - Caringbah

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Today, I ate some amazing homemade brownies that my best friend's wife made for us. She waited till I'd shoved a third one into my mouth before she mentioned she made them with breast milk. Knowing her, I don't even doubt it was true. FML

By Anonymous - 2/1/2014 20:36 - United Kingdom - Dunfermline

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Today, my nineteen year old daughter handed me a book on raising children and said "Maybe you'll do better next time." FML

By Anonymous - 10/6/2014 20:06 - Barbados - Bridgetown

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Today, I was on a crowded subway going home. My trousers were a bit dusty so I tried to dust myself off. As I was slapping the side of my leg I missed and hit a woman behind me in the ass. She called me a pervert and walked off. Everyone stared at me. It takes 40 minutes to get home. FML

By Thithien1 - 1/4/2009 06:07 - Korea Republic of

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Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because someone asked him if we were dating and he lied and said no. He said he didn't want to be a liar. FML

By alaina2001 - 7/5/2015 22:22 - United States - Massillon

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Today, I forked over a hefty sum to stay the night in a beautiful, luxurious hotel room, because back home I have a baby that doesn't sleep through the night yet. Never would I have imagined I would be staying directly next to the town nightclub. I'm still awake. FML

By Calimero - 26/4/2019 02:00

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Today, I was given a $100 cookbook as a gift by a co-worker. The man who shares a desk with me didn't realise it was mine, as he was at lunch when I got it, so he decided to give it to my boss when he walked in. My boss is refusing to return it. FML

By Kaylz - 7/3/2016 04:35 - Australia - Brisbane

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Today, I accidentally left some music playing on my iPad, then left to do some errands. When I came back, I found it smashed into a million pieces. Apparently, grandpa couldn't find any other way to "shut off that goddamn music." FML

By MsGlaDos - 12/6/2013 21:45 - United States - Austin

Make it stop!

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Today, I babysat a kid who was such a bratty little prick that I actually considered walking out on the job. After his mom finally got home 4 hours later, he called her a slut. When he got in trouble for it, he claimed that I taught him the word. Needless to say, I didn't get paid. FML

By Anonymous - 21/5/2016 04:27 - Australia - Clayton

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Today, I shaved my legs and pits for the first time this summer. It took 3 disposable razors and an hour to get the job done. I've clearly been single for far too long. FML

By Anonymous - 20/5/2010 11:04 - Canada

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Today, I really had to pee while babysitting. Normally this isn't a problem, except the kids were sleeping and going potty would wake them up right before their parents were due home. Desperate, I decided to pee in a cup in the kitchen and wash it down the sink. Their parents came home mid-stream. FML

By fired - 13/5/2012 06:26 - United States - Portland

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Today, my crazy psychopath of a neighbor sent me an email with the subject, "So, about your sex life." I've been sitting here for 20 minutes staring at it because I'm too scared to open it. FML

By schooyou101 - 4/12/2012 00:53 - United States - Prairie Village

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Today, I found out that aside from being savagely overworked and treated like shit for zero pay, another one of my responsibilities as an intern is to take the blame for my boss accidentally posting a link to a porn site on the company's Twitter account. FML

By Anonymous - 3/11/2015 17:54 - United States

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Today, I once again had to clean up a shower and bathroom covered in feces, because of client with incontinence. It smelt so bad that I couldn’t hide my reaction; the client saw my face and I could see the embarrassment on theirs. I spent the rest of the day feeling like an asshole. FML

By MentalHealthWorker - 17/9/2020 02:05

True hero

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