Home - FML

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Today, I went over to my parents' house with my female, unspayed dog. I guess they haven’t had their dog neutered, because he tried to mount her. When I attempted to stop him, he knocked me into their stone fire pit, splitting my head and elbow open. FML

By Anonymous - 29/7/2019 14:00

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Today, I think my dad has finally lost his shit and is having a mid-life crisis. He showed up at my school and had me brought to the front desk. He told me to get in the car because we were going to have some "father-daughter bonding". This meant us watching Silent Hill with his work buddies. FML

By -__- - 28/10/2011 11:50 - Australia

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Today, my boss sent a message to a coworker saying, "We're putting all of you back on the phones because one of you can't stop watching Netflix so corporate thinks you guys don't do anything." That person was me. Everyone's pissed at me now. FML

By stickygoober - 20/11/2018 15:00 - United States - Peoria

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Today, the speaker I ordered from the distant country of America arrived. This is after it was held up by local customs, who demanded I pay no small amount for the import duty. Upon unboxing, I found out it was actually made in my own country. FML

By Anonymous - 5/7/2019 22:00

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Today, I saw my ex-girlfriend. She dumped me because she was moving to Wyoming. I guess Wyoming is code for my friend's apartment. FML

By Anonymous - 20/5/2019 18:00

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Today, after struggling with breastfeeding and trying to build up my milk supply, I was finally able to pump a full 6 oz! I celebrated by immediately spilling it all over my lap. FML

By don't cry over spilled milk - 23/11/2016 14:33 - United States - Elmendorf Afb

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Today, I put a picture of my cat on Facebook. A stranger sent me a message saying how "attractive" she was and that her eyes are "very seductive". So, basically, someone is trying to hit on my cat. FML

By meow - 30/10/2013 07:03 - United States

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Today, campus security called to inform me that my car had been in an accident. I rushed down to the security office to find most of the officers laughing. A portable john blew over on to my car and smashed my rear window. Now, security calls me "Port-A-Potty Guy," and my car smells like shit. FML

By Johnny on the Spot - 12/2/2009 17:19 - United States

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Today, I thought it would be to a good idea to introduce my indoor cat to my dog. The pee stains, multiple scratches, and puncture wounds to my face prove otherwise. FML

By Ramis182 - 16/12/2013 08:52 - United States - Auburn

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Today, I got grounded because I didn't send my aunt a Mother's Day present. Not only is she not married she doesn't have kids. FML

By Giraafe - 9/5/2016 17:53 - Canada - Richmond Hill

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Today, while at my friend's house, I noticed her brother had a bit of an accent. I laughingly said "Is it me or does your little brother have an accent?" She stared and replied with "No, he has autism." FML

By kggggg - 12/8/2010 11:00 - United States

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Today, I received a text from my girlfriend's female best friend that they have been dating for the last month. This was the week of our one year anniversary, and my birthday. We just moved into a duplex with my name on the lease. FML

By Anonymous - 15/8/2017 21:30 - United States - Milwaukee

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Today, at work while near a cigarette tray outside, a man said, "Thanks for polluting our environment!" All I could say was, "What?" He then said "I'm speaking English you know!" I was cleaning the cigarette tray at the time, don't smoke at all, and was born here. FML

By TVKill3r - 29/3/2013 00:57 - United States

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By Lewis - 27/1/2019 19:00 - France - Paris

It's time to grow up

Noooooooo!

Today, my mom insisted on making my lunch. She didn't know that knives are banned at my high school, and packed me a steak knife for cream cheese. I'm now suspended for 7 days, and she refuses to say that she did anything wrong. FML

By megangubler - 26/5/2014 22:34 - United States - Schaumburg

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Today, my husband fell for an online scam leaving us 1450.00 in the negative. We get paid tomorrow and most of our money is going to cover that debt. FML

By Relevance - 13/8/2010 04:03 - United States

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Today, my boss is now so comfortable with me that she doesn't even try to hide the fact that she goes digging for gold in her nose through every conversation we have. FML

By NotHungryAnymore - 1/3/2016 15:46 - United States - Rochester

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Today, I was doing a study on homeless people and how they manage to stay alive on the streets. Turns out the one I was studying today was given more money than I make in a week. FML

By Anonymous - 11/12/2009 07:23 - Australia

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Today, me and my boyfriend decided to have some fun in my room before my parents got home. My phone started vibrating half-way through, and when I saw my mom's picture, I reflexively answered. It wasn't a phone call. It was a face time. Busted. FML

By Ob3nie - 14/7/2014 17:45 - United States - San Francisco

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Today, whilst working as a language assistant in Germany as part of my degree, some 9 year-old German kids asked me to please speak English to them because my German was so poor. FML

By themildthings - 21/9/2010 07:10 - Germany

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Today, I wanted to eat my last bowl of sugary cereal before starting my new diet. I fell down the stairs with the full bowl in hand. Message received, universe. FML

By bonbon789 - 27/3/2014 18:10 - United States

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Today, I was boarding my flight when I got pulled aside for looking suspicious. As she was opening my bag, I said, "Be careful, I jammed so many clothes in there it may explode." I was then strip searched for my trouble. FML

By thebickster - 6/3/2009 17:58 - United States

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Today, my parents accidentally bounced some checks through a miscommunication. They now owe the bank $700 and can't afford groceries, which means we're relying on me, a 17-year-old girl who works at McDonald's 2 days a week, to get us by for the next few weeks. FML

By - 9/1/2017 20:30

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Today, I painted my nails in the car. After I finished, I stuck my hands out the window to let them dry. When I pulled my hands back in there were live bugs stuck in my nail polish. FML

By ew - 3/8/2014 18:49 - United States - San Antonio

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Today, someone at work was bragging that their son was high school valedictorian and offered a full college scholarship. 7 years ago, I was also valedictorian and got that same scholarship. All I said was, "Congratulations. Did you want fries with that?" and continued taking their order. FML

By John - 7/11/2009 16:04 - United States

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It has to be one of those four, huh? Because you know of four situations so mine has to be one of those four? I'm OP. I took the scholarship, got a B.A. in Economics with a minor in Computer Science (not quite Basket-Weaving or Art History, sorry), did analysis for a company that recently went under, started working for a start-up until I ran out of money, then took the best job I could find, which...

Valedictorian02 Say more :

By anonymous - 12/10/2009 02:48 - United States

Today, I had to crown the homecoming queen, a responsibility of mine as class president. It just happened to be that the queen is my ex-girlfriend that I still love, escorted by her new boyfriend. FML

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Today, I was told that the cutoff date for dropping out of one of my classes was last Friday. Which would have been fine if the school website had the right information when I checked it last Friday. They're ignoring my screenshots proving as such. FML

By juniorleo - 3/12/2015 20:23 - United States - Riverside

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OP here. I know that screenshots aren't very good evidence, but it was basically all I had (since the website had been updated since). I'm on a quarter system so there's not enough time to go with a lot of your ideas, though I appreciate you guys trying. Oh, and I did go to my parents. Not for help, since I did everything possible before I called them about it, but they didn't believe me either....

juniorleo Say more :

By Anonymous - 30/6/2009 02:23 - United States

Today, I was at work lifeguarding and saw a kid drowning on the far end of the pool. I decided running would be the quickest way to get to her, but as I ran across the pool deck I slipped and hit my head. The kid's mother jumped in to save her child and then called an ambulance for me. FML

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Today, my grandmother's excuse for not going to my college graduation was because she'd already bought her bingo card. FML

By xXEndlesslullabyXx - 5/6/2011 18:15 - United States

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Today, it's my girlfriend's birthday. I presented her with an oil painting of her that I'd been working on for over a month, and she started to cry. I thought it was because she liked it, until she asked if she really looks that ugly and disproportionate in real life. FML

By Anonymous - 29/1/2012 19:09 - United States

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Today, I found out that my boyfriend isn't gay. Apparently, I just give good head. FML

By Anonymous - 24/1/2010 08:55 - Australia

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Today, the guy I made out with on New Year's Eve finally called me. Too bad it was to blame me for the picture of us which someone had sent to his girlfriend. I never took a picture, and had no idea he was in a relationship. FML

By CharlieKearney - 10/1/2016 23:33 - Sweden - Uppsala

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Today, I made my brother go to the grocery store to get some frozen pizzas. Ten minutes after he left, the power cut out. Still no power. Still hungry. FML

By noooo!!! - 19/4/2012 18:45 - United States

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Today, it was nice out, so I drove with my car windows down. I was stopped trying to turn onto a busy highway, when a car turned off the highway right next to me, hit a pothole, and splashed dirty water into my window and into my open mouth. FML

By pothole - 3/3/2010 20:16 - United States

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Today, I met a man at the bar, and he asked me to go home with him. The problem? He's 80. I'm 29. The bigger problem? I considered it. It's been that long. FML

By Anonymous - 31/7/2010 23:24 - United States

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Today, I decided to get some exercise for the first time in months. I went to the store and bought a brand new bicycle and all the necessary paraphernalia. I drove a half hour to a bike trail, unloaded the bike, and started riding. 10 feet later, the chain snapped. FML

By parisite - 1/10/2010 08:35 - France

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Today, a customer came into our store and asked if we sold "child sized coffins". This isn't even the weirdest question I've been asked. FML

By iworkatofficedepothomes - 15/5/2014 12:02 - United States - Laguna Hills

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Today, the neighbors in the next apartment reported me to the police for screaming at my newborn to "shut the hell up" every time he cries. I would never yell at my baby. My asshole of a dog on the other hand barks at everything, which terrifies the baby, causing him to cry. FML

By Annonymous_Dad - 1/5/2013 23:22 - United States - Fort Wayne

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My dog IS trained. Generally, he just needs to be told "heel" or "quiet" and he obeys. However, ever since the baby has come home ( 3 weeks) hes gone into super protective mode. A car door slams and hes "killer guard dog". Its getting ridiculous and I do get exasperated when it happens multiple times within a half hour. He DOES listen when I yell, because its not something...

Annonymous_Dad Say more :

By AlwaysTired - 14/9/2016 14:57 - United States

Today, marks the third time this month my parents came to visit. I moved 5 hours away to get away from them. FML

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