FML : Home

Today, in class the guy next to me was talking to a girl across the room using gestures to help get across his message. Apparently, pointing at me is the best way to say "ugly." FML

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By uglyguy252 - / Saturday 16 May 2009 17:34 / United States

Today, I told my husband it would be great to spend an evening with a bottle of wine and a pile of blankets on the balcony of our cabin during the cruise. He decided it would be great to ditch me and go out gambling. FML

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By Neglected - / Wednesday 11 December 2013 19:06 / United States - Wimberley

Today, I took a cute girl out to an arcade date, and mercilessly dominated her in every game there, to the point she refused to talk to me afterwards. Gamer Pride: 1 - Getting Laid: 0. FML

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By razgriz1 - / Thursday 20 August 2009 05:45 / United States

Today, my three-year-old decided to dump the entire contents of her cereal box onto the kitchen floor because she was looking for a "prize." The only prize we found was a huge dead cockroach, which she promptly stuck in her mouth. FML

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By laxie - / Tuesday 27 October 2009 00:42 / United States

Today, my cat was diagnosed with FIV, to which my in-laws said, "That's impossible!" Apparently, what is possible though is that aliens are stealing their pool water. FML

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By Donewiththis - / Tuesday 21 June 2016 05:35 /

Today, I fell going down the stairs and hit my head on the wall. My parents came frantically running to my side, but only to make sure I hadn't damaged the wall. FML

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By Lily - / Saturday 9 June 2012 23:43 / United States - San Antonio

Today, my boyfriend of three months texted me saying he loves me. I excitedly started texting back, "I love you too." Before I even got done, he messaged again saying, "Can you send a pic of your tits to me now?" FML

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By luvlessbootycall - / Saturday 24 July 2010 05:23 / United States

Calculatroll!

Today, I had a chemistry midterm. There were 15 math problems, but no matter how many times I pressed the "On" button of my calculator, it wouldn't turn on. There were no spare calculators. Later, I tried to show my friend that my calculator wouldn't turn on. I pressed the button. It turned on. FML

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By Troll_Calculator - / Tuesday 21 March 2017 16:00 / Canada - Halifax

Today, I found out my girlfriend doesn't really take flute lessons after all. In related news, every time my best friend supposedly drives her to flute lessons, he's actually taking her to his house for a different kind of activity. FML

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By Anonymous - / Saturday 23 August 2014 18:16 / Canada - Lethbridge

FML loves his Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal

There is something we do every morning. Of course there are a lot of things to do but this is a particular one. First, we turn on our...

By FML Team / Thursday 2 July 2009 12:34 /

Today, I used a public bathroom and set my motorcycle helmet on the sink while I used the urinal. The helmet rolled into the sink, under the faucet and set off the motion detector, soaking the inside. I drove 15 miles home in 30 degree weather with a wet helmet. FML

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By RyanSmithN - / Friday 15 January 2010 05:04 / United States

Today, I dropped my suitcase on my toe. Don't worry, it was already broken. FML

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By laurenasabutton - / Monday 30 December 2014 13:07 / United Kingdom - Nottingham

Today, I went to contest a parking ticket in court. I came out 3 hours later, all charges clear, to a new parking ticket on my windshield, for the same amount I just got cleared. FML

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By sdfsdf / Friday 22 January 2010 16:28 / United States

Today, I found out that what I thought was "acne" is actually an allergic reaction to a cream I've been using for years. I thought the cream was helping me with the breakouts but my doctor says the real acne probably went away naturally years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - / Friday 9 October 2015 17:34 /

Today, I woke up to my psycho roommate trying to baptize me in my sleep. FML

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By Anonymous / Tuesday 7 January 2014 21:24 / United States

Today, I read my university's newsletter. Apparently we're starting up a "buddy" system for international students. I'm signing up, because this will help me complete my goal of making my first friend at university. FML

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By loner - / Tuesday 31 May 2011 05:50 / Australia

Today, my boss became very angry over her own mistake on a spreadsheet. She lashed out by throwing a can of SpaghettiOs at my head. FML

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By Liz / Thursday 11 August 2011 02:21 / United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to gift me soap, a razor, and deodorant for my birthday. FML

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By same - / Saturday 21 November 2015 06:39 / United States - Palo Alto

Today, an angry customer threw her sticky toffee pudding at the wall and pointed out that because it didn't stick, it was not really a "sticky" toffee pudding, and that she'd been mislead. FML

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By stickyservice - / Saturday 26 April 2014 01:21 / United Kingdom - Solihull

Today, I was looking over the schedule for errors and circled a group of mistakes before handing it to my manager. When she handed it back to me, she gave me a weird look and I immediately noticed that the group of numbers I had circled formed a giant penis shape on the paper. FML

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By dumblond - / Friday 14 August 2009 17:01 / United States

Today, my new roommate woke me up at noon to bitch about my "selfish sleeping habits" and how they ruin her ability to invite anyone over. I work the graveyard shift at the hospital. FML

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By lynn - / Friday 22 June 2012 16:14 / Australia - Bongaree

Today, while making less than minimum wage at McDonalds, I had to dispose of a grown man's soiled underwear that he left on the bathroom floor under a pile of toilet paper. It isn't even the grossest thing I've seen in my six months of employment. FML

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By WishIWasADogMinder - / Thursday 10 December 2015 10:47 / Australia

Today, I told a lady that came into my clothing store that I thought her abstract looking necklace was pretty. She responded, "Oh... Thats actually a pipe that goes into my lung." FML

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By oopsjsp90 - / Saturday 17 October 2009 08:45 / Australia

Today, I overheard my boyfriend bragging to his friend about finally giving me an orgasm yesterday, but that he got scared because my orgasm face made me look like "a camel having a stroke." FML

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By Anonymous - / Friday 27 December 2013 20:18 / Jamaica - Kingston

Today, I went to the university pool. There was this cute lifeguard there, and every time I got out of the water I saw her looking at me so I walked up to her and asked if everything was okay. She told me she thought I was going to drown. FML

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By Anonymous - / Monday 2 October 2017 19:30 / United States - Stony Brook

Today, my mom read my diary. Then she frantically booked me an appointment with a psychiatrist. FML

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By ughh - / Tuesday 22 November 2011 13:22 / United States

Today, I was playing Apples to Apples with my girlfriend and a few others. The card that was drawn was labeled "pathetic". Among other cards that were laid down in attempts to be similar to "pathetic" was my girlfriend's card. She won with a create-a-card labeled "my sex life". FML

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By anonymous / Saturday 10 November 2012 11:02 / United States

Today, I was let go at work. About 2 years ago, we had hired an eager-to-learn "assistant" for me. When they canned me, they let me know that I should've trained him faster so I could've been fired sooner. FML

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By Eddy - / Sunday 27 August 2017 16:00 /

Today, I paid £200 for a car service to make sure everything was running okay. I got the all clear that everything was perfect and all necessary fluids topped up. I then wrote the car off 20 minutes later in an accident. FML

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By Kelleee - / Saturday 30 September 2017 20:00 /

Today, I was dirty texting my boyfriend since we couldn't see each other this weekend. We were getting really into it when he said, "If only you were this good in real life." FML

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By lonelyandbored / Monday 31 May 2010 00:19 / United States

Today, it's the 6th day that we have been snowed in. We haven't left the house, because we can't. I've done at least 30 hours of Legos. FML

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By Sky - / Monday 16 January 2017 22:00 /

Today, whilst working at Subway, I took an order for 6 footlongs. The entire process took 15 minutes due to the customer's hesitant and glacial pace. When it came to paying, he pulled out his wallet, looked inside, looked at me, and walked quickly out of the store. FML

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By matte - / Monday 30 March 2009 12:16 / Australia

Today, a blonde tourist came up to me and asked me for directions to the nearest train station. I politely directed her there, and she left. Five minutes later, she came back and slapped me for not bringing her to an "English-speaking station". We're in China, lady. FML

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By dumb tourists - / Sunday 31 March 2013 06:19 / China - Beijing

I agree, that was well spotted

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By FML Approved - / Saturday 15 July 2017 23:00 / France - Issy-les-moulineaux

Today, I submitted my 5000 word assignment. When I got home, my mother asked if I'd checked it through one more time like she always warned me to do. I hadn't. And I therefore hadn't noticed the paragraph on p11 that she'd written, telling me to pay attention to the small details. FML

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By JZ - / Friday 30 October 2009 13:34 / New Zealand

Today, I found out my boyfriend has checked every girl he has ever slept with for 'vagina teeth'. I'm apparently no exception. FML

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By knolan / Wednesday 20 July 2011 04:40 / United States

12 not-so-angry men escape from prison using peanut butter.

If you thought the TV show Prison Break was a bit too far-fetched, think again. Truth is often always stranger than fiction, and none...

By Alan - / Thursday 3 August 2017 02:00 /

Today, my boyfriend's mother walked in on us having sex. He started crying and ran into the bathroom where my clothes were located, leaving me to deal with his mother. Naked. FML

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By cutiekenz21 / Sunday 31 July 2011 00:45 / United States

Today, at the end of my 10-hour shift, my manager made me count exactly how many business cards were left in inventory before I could leave. She didn't believe me when the number came to exactly 3000. She made me count them all again. FML

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By Weddingbelles - / Monday 12 September 2016 15:52 / United States - Saint Louis

Today, I found a video camera behind a plant in my bedroom. My husband uses it to video tape himself having sex, with another woman. FML

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By ugh - / Wednesday 23 September 2009 19:32 / United States

FML

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Nearly

Today, I was doing a job interview on Skype on my computer when my roommate decided to reboot the wireless router because "the internet was too slow"....

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Today at 10AM I fried my 2000$ job laptop by dropping a glass of water on the keyboard. One hour later, the IT tech gave me a new laptop with my former...

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Denmark

Today, a friend sent me a video of my boyfriend of 2.5 years and the girl I "shouldn't be worried about" on a date at the restaurant he claimed he hated....

Germany

Today, I have to defend my bachelor thesis, which took me 10 months to complete. Three weeks ago, a new technology was released that renders my entire...

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Photos

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Spicy

Today, I found out that I’m the only guy in my family that's circumcised. When I asked my parents why they did it, they told me that they wanted me to...

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Not helping.

Today, my neighbor's pesky 7-year-old daughter, who is friends with the guy I really like, decided to help me with him. She used her phone to send him...

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