Home - FML

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Today, my daughter asked for a dollar to buy ice cream from the ice cream truck while I was on my computer working. Out of my wallet she took a fifty dollar bill. The ice cream man got a big tip before driving off. FML

By BrokebyKids - 6/9/2010 20:26 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend used a laser pointer to show me where I needed to lose weight. FML

By chunkymonkey - 23/11/2011 23:54

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Today, I got excited because I found a chat line for teens who are dealing with depression. I signed up and was about to enter the chat room and then a message popped up that said ''Sorry this is only available for teens in the United Kingdom.'' FML

By Hannah - 1/3/2010 03:16 - United States

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Today, an old man started telling me about the high price of meat. I told him I wouldn't know, since I'm a vegetarian. His reply was, "Oh, most vegetarians are slimmer." FML

By Anonymous - 10/1/2011 17:16 - Australia

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Today, I was looking in my laundry basket for a clean tank top to wear. As I felt around, I realized that most of my clothes were still wet after two days. After asking my mom what was wrong with the dryer, I found out that for two days my cat had been using my laundry basket as a litter box. FML

By catpeecathy - 14/9/2009 04:20 - United States

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Today, I finally mustered up the guts to ask this girl I like to dinner and a movie. She agreed on the terms that she could bring someone, and I'd said it wouldn't be a problem. When I met up with her a few hours later, I found out she'd brought her boyfriend. FML

By Mal - 29/10/2010 20:02 - United States

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Today, was my 16th birthday and I was supposed to be surprised with a new car. I have overheard my parents talking about bringing it home tonight while I was at a friend's house. We snuck back to my house to see them bring my car home. All I saw was my Dad crash my new car into a street lamp. FML

By crashednowcrushed - 26/4/2009 00:44 - United States

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Today, my mother surprised me with a new alarm clock. It's attached to a toy car which races around my room with obnoxious sirens going at full blast until I crawl out of bed and turn it off. She says this will be a regular thing. FML

By poop - 28/2/2012 07:10 - United States

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Today, I finally got the courage to ask my workmate about her tattoo. She's been in the office for 4 months and I'd always wondered why she had a red cheese grater tattooed on her arm. So I asked. Turns out it's a lady's shoe. She walked away from me and never talked to me again. FML

By sinceresally - 3/1/2017 22:26

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Today, someone broke into my car by smashing the driver's side window. I'd be less irritated if they had just used the door handle; the lock has been broken for years. FML

By Perplexed - 19/1/2013 13:14 - United States - Sioux Falls

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Today I hooked up with a girl. The condom fell off when I pulled out. When the girl left I could not find it. I saw my roomate cat with it so I chased him and he escaped. My roomate now wants to kill me. She found the condom on her bed and does not believe me. I might have to move out. FML

By frenchie12 - 24/3/2019 02:00

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Today, my friends told me that I'm not invited to the next trip because I'm a party pooper for not getting drunk and staying out late during our last vacation. I guess they forgot that I spent each night taking care of their drunk asses and stayed sober to be the designated driver. FML

By canadiangirl98 - 11/8/2015 03:07 - Canada - Brampton

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Wow I can't believe my FML was posted! I love this site! Just to elaborate so people get the full picture: We were supposed to take turns being the DD each night but they would be drunk by the time we got to the venue so I had no choice but to be DD. I'm okay with drinking and letting loose and don't get in the way of others fun but these girls were rowdy belligerent drunk and I spent the evening...

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2016 13:47

Today, my college dormitory accused me of something I didn't do, breaking a law that I never heard of, charged me $200 to fix "what I did wrong", and is forcing me to go to counciling at the school. Not only was I not on campus when it happened, but I was the one who reported the problem. FML

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Today, due to a hammer-related incident, instead of receiving glass ornaments as gifts from my trip to Venice, my friends will be receiving novelty postcards of Michelangelo's David's penis. FML

By Stop_HammerTime - 4/8/2014 13:51 - United Kingdom - Northwich

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The truth is actually much dumber than some of you are giving me credit for, and definitely warrants a YDI. I'd bought a few small glass things for my friends from Venice. They were all packaged so they made it off the plane fine. When I got home I put them down and started nailing up posters that I'd got in the museums on my visit. I put the hammer down on a pile of boxes while I went to get more...

Stop_HammerTime Say more :

By KimberleyIrene - 20/7/2009 22:35 - Canada

Today, I was supposed to hear back from a job I interviewed for. The guy called me and told me I got it. I said "Thank you, thank you, thank you!!" He responded with "You're welcome Emily". My name isn't Emily, it's Kim. He got the numbers mixed up. FML

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Today, I found out my little sister took a picture of me taking a shit and showed it to her friends. FML

By qwerty - 27/11/2018 22:08

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Today, my entire family thinks I'm a lesbian. I'm straight. I'm embarrassed and don't know how to tell them that I've been single for so long because I can't get a guy. FML

By likesboys - 19/5/2010 12:00 - Canada

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Today, I caught my ex trying to slash my car tires with a knife. She actually had the balls to claim she was testing my tire pressure, before power-walking off into the distance like nothing had happened. FML

By Anonymous - 16/5/2015 01:17 - United States - San Francisco

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Today, my 4 year old daughter walked into my home office and said F*** you! Then she ran to my husband and said "Did I say it right?" FML

By Ashley Marshburn - 17/10/2010 13:55 - United States

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Today, I was driving my little sister to school. She really didn't wanna go and was throwing a tantrum in the car. When we stopped at a red light, my sister notices a police man giving a ticket to another driver. She rolled down her window and screamed "Help me! I'm being kidnapped by a murderer!" FML

By Amara1717 - 19/8/2009 04:22 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend and I ordered pizza and watched a movie. After dinner we started to make out. I began to take my clothes off when he stopped me. He said that sex is exercise and you can't exercise for 30 minutes after eating. FML

By oumalina - 12/8/2010 01:54 - United States

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Today, I regret that break we took. I thought it would lead him to realize that he wanted to stop cheating and flirting with other girls and be with only me forever. Now I'm the girl he cheats on his girlfriend with. FML

By Celina - 11/1/2009 18:08 - United States

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Today, I was in a tense tiebreak round to win the local pub quiz. As the quizmaster read out more clues, I got the answer, got up and rushed to be the first team to the bar. I tripped, faceplanted. The whole bar laughed, and then I realized that it wasn't a "fastest to the bar" round. FML

By pubquizgenius - 27/1/2010 08:24 - United Kingdom

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Today, I was using a restroom when I heard someone sneeze. I said, "Bless you." It happened again about three times, so I repeated myself each time. I then noticed it was an automatic air freshener. FML

By coleslaw - 3/2/2012 05:25 - United States

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Today, I got food poisoning at work. I had my head in the toilet when the auto flush decided to turn on. The force of the flush was so powerful half of what I threw up splashed back into my face. FML

By cedechan - 29/9/2012 04:08 - United States - Tucson

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Today, I went biking. I attempted a large hill and lost control, slipped, and fell ten feet into a sewage pit. Riding home covered in crap, my sock caught my chain and I flipped over my bike. My dad had to spray me with the garden hose, bloody and shitty, in the front yard. FML

By fallsdownplenty45 - 2/6/2009 11:08 - Taiwan

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Today, I married the woman I love. I wasn't the groom, I was the minister. FML

By Pr unlucky - 2/10/2010 08:07 - Australia

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Today, I was told that when I was in middle school and thought I was considered class clown for either making jokes or acting stupid, people thought I actually was stupid and/or mentally challenged. FML

By Anonymous - 4/2/2017 20:00 - United States - Holyoke

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Today, my mom's obsession with cleanliness hit a new low when she bitched at me for having trash in my trash can. FML

By Anonymous - 14/2/2015 19:02 - United States - Lemont

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Today, I was browsing the web when I checked the search history. Turns out my son has been searching for "nude grills" and "hot grills." Not only is my 12-year-old son attempting to find porn on the internet, he also can't spell. FML

By Nickname - 28/7/2011 02:02 - United States

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Today, I gave a short presentation at a neighborhood watch event to raise awareness of pickpocketing and to give tips on how to avoid becoming a victim of it. After I got back home, I realized my wallet was missing from my pocket. FML

By "ironyyyyyyy" -_- - 31/10/2013 16:58 - United States - Marion

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Today, my mother keyed my car because I wouldn't invite her into my home and get her a cup of tea, so she could continue screaming that she was going to kill me while I tried to feed my 4 month old daughter. The last time I got her a cup of tea she threw it in my face. FML

By crazyparents - 10/11/2010 07:12 - Australia

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I am 24 years old and have been married for 4 years, own my own home etc. I went to private schools and uni, all the "good family" crap. But in reality, my mother is just off the rails, and my father is just as bad. She's always been like this, and it was ok when it was just me she was trying to hurt me but its gone beyond that now. Calling it quits and keeping well away from her. And she...

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2013 04:41 - United States

Today, as I was about to enter a public restroom, a man walked out and said, "You may want to hold your nose in there. I just took the biggest dump of my life." It was the ladies' restroom. FML

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Today, I was forced to work with someone I absolutely hate. I then found myself starting to like him, until he shot me in the forehead with a stapler gun. FML

By annoyedgirl - 4/5/2013 01:30 - United States - Ephrata

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Today, my boyfriend proudly showed me that he's put me in his favourites contact list on his phone with a heart image. Cute, but I saw another contact on the list with a heart image as well: his favourite take out restaurant. FML

By Anonymous - 23/9/2018 14:00

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Today, I was driving on the freeway. I shut my windows and sunroof when I started to feel heavy rain hitting me in the face and shoulder. I was confused by the rain because the sun was bright and there was blue, cloudless sky. Then I saw the large trash truck in front of me spewing "trash juice". FML

By iross - 23/10/2009 19:19 - United States

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Today, I was at a fraternity party, and one of the hosts said over the loudspeaker "turn to the person next to you and picture them naked, then drink a beer if the mental image disturbs you". I turned, only to be face-to-face with my ex-boyfriend. He drank two beers. FML

By Noname - 15/2/2009 20:28 - United States

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Today, on my way back to work after lunch, my airbags deployed at a stop sign. FML

By Anonymous - 10/11/2015 22:50 - United States

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Today, I was complimented on my freckles. I don't actually have freckles, just a load of blackheads that won't go away. FML

By eamiller - 23/12/2014 20:41 - United States - Franklin

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