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Random Spicy FMLs
By conchita - United States
Today, I panicked when I felt a hard bump on the side of my stomach. I thought I had appendicitis. Turns out it was my ab muscles. I've been overweight so long I didn't know what they felt like. FML
I agree, your life sucks
10346
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98 Comments
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By Grace - 14/11/2020 23:02

Don't touch me, bitch

Today, I found out that when you try to pick up my cat, its response is to let out the most stinky fart it can. FML
I agree, your life sucks
664
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163
6 Comments
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By allbrokeup - Norway - Stavanger
Today, while I was removing my makeup with my boyfriend watching, he mentioned that he used to think girls were prettier without makeup on, but he'd now changed his mind. FML
I agree, your life sucks
30352
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3301
90 Comments
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By what - United States - Livermore
Today, the man who stole my laptop at the train station yesterday used the contact information I had written on it to call me and ask for the password. FML
I agree, your life sucks
29875
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2096
52 Comments
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By hoolabaloo - India - Ahmadabad
Today, I finally got the courage to confess my feelings to the guy I have loved for a year now in a long note. He called half an hour later and said, "I'm not going to read this crap, just tell me what it says". FML
I agree, your life sucks
36613
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8040
74 Comments
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By Gothicbunnyx3 - United States
  Today, I had to tell my 7 year old son it's not polite to jack off in public. FML
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37548
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248 Comments
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By

The girl?

Today, my mate was bragging about the nudes he was getting from this random girl, he proceeded to show me... It was my cousin. FML
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2460
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246
10 Comments
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By Angela - United States
Today, I made plans with an old friend that I haven't seen in years. We agreed to meet at a diner and I told him I'd be standing outside. I watched him pull up, look right at me, then do something with his phone. Seconds later, I got a text saying "Sorry, but I'm busy today and can't make it." FML
I agree, your life sucks
38144
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3501
102 Comments
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By kaylashay2k13 - United States - Mission
Today, my boyfriend was trying to tackle me to the bed when we heard a loud pop. The pop turned out to be him breaking my pinky finger. FML
I agree, your life sucks
12939
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1088
25 Comments
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By faulty plumbimg! - India
Today, I got my period 2 days early, while being interviewed for my dream job. Let's just say that I don't have very high hopes after walking backwards to the exit door and falling down upon colliding with the wall. FML
I agree, your life sucks
47033
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4102
108 Comments
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By killmyself - United States
  Today, I was masturbating lying on the lower bed of my brother's and my bunk beds. I finished jacking off and tried to get up to clean myself I hit my head on metal panel of the upper bed and passed out. Later woke up in my bed... found out my parents came home and saw me passed out naked holding a porn mag. FML
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17308
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43 Comments
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By Anonymous - United States
  Today, I got into an argument with my wife over how she spends too much time with her gay best friend. Now she says that if I want to ever get intimate with her again, I'll have to let her watch as I give him a striptease. FML
I agree, your life sucks
40124
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By graveyard-sh*t

Oh, hi Sharon!

Today, my psycho ex-girlfriend showed up at my new job to, "Keep an eye on me." The same ex-girlfriend who has been stalking me since we broke up. Two years ago. FML
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1850
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179
8 Comments
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By shortarse - Australia - Saint Lucia
Today, I finally moved into my own flat - no family, nor messy flatmates. Should be great, except for the fact that I'm so short, I have to climb onto the counter in the kitchen any time I want to reach my shelves. Like a child. I'm going to break my fucking neck. FML
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4084
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706
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By Mack - Canada
Today, I was at the book store when a book caught my eye: Overcoming Anxiety For Dummies. I wanted to look through the book but I was too nervous to pick it up, thinking everyone in the store would look at me. FML
I agree, your life sucks
34538
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6115
116 Comments
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By wrongcar - United States
Today, I was pulled over and was given a $300 ticket for going 90mph on a 70mph highway. The cop swore he saw my silver car darting in and out of traffic. A couple of minutes earlier that exact car had passed me while I was following the speed limit. FML
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38184
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2503
55 Comments
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By Anonymous - United States - Spring
Today, my fiancé's mom was driving me to the store to pick up my wedding dress. A few minutes into the drive, she said the car's tank was nearly out of "Jews" and that she'd have to give it "a whole lotta gas", then chuckled to herself. She's well aware that I'm Jewish. FML
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23610
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2292
97 Comments
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By hi - United States
Today, I was babysitting this one year old. She just learned how to say yes so if you asked her ANYTHING, she'd say yes. I asked her if she liked vegetables and she said "yes!" Then I asked her if I was pretty... she looked at me and said "NO." FML
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66352
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14609
65 Comments
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By sasquatch - United States - Katonah
  Today, my boyfriend requested that I shave my lips so I spent an hour in the shower carefully removing every trace of pubic hair. Turns out he wanted me to shave my moustache, not my carpet. FML
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16689
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33472
161 Comments
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By mama’s boy

Chuck E. Cheese awaits

Today, I realized just how spoiled and immature my boyfriend is when I asked him several times what he’d like for dinner. Getting no answer, I made steak, potatoes and salad. He then sulked and refused to eat it, since he wanted spaghetti and meatballs instead. FML
I agree, your life sucks
2114
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377
27 Comments
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By Class - United States - Newton Center
Today, I brought my 90-year-old grandfather into school for a project that required to bring in "a first-hand account" of the Great Depression. He started off by telling the class how in his day, they "threw rocks at black people." FML
I agree, your life sucks
32113
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4407
33 Comments
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By Anonymous

Alarmed

Today, after 5 hours of attempting to sleep, I began to finally drift off. Then, some fuckwit who'd parked his car right outside my door took 20 minutes to switch his alarm off. I have to be up in about 4 hours, after a 12-hour night shift, heading into another. FML
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1524
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97
3 Comments
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By Anonymous - United Kingdom
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, by text, while we were in the same room. FML
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54049
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4240
129 Comments
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By
Today, at 3am, my boyfriend's phone notifications kept going off. I attempted to wake him up, but he didn't budge. When I went to silence it, I saw his Ashley Madison notification, followed by Tinder, Zoosk, and Plenty of Fish. We've been monogamous over a year... or so I thought. FML
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4084
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285
19 Comments
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By umyuck - United States - Norfolk
Today, I noticed my shower drain wasn't draining well. I cleaned it out, thinking it was just a rat's nest of hair. Wrong. It was an actual dead rat. FML
I agree, your life sucks
32406
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2505
60 Comments
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By Anonymous
Today, I was putting my 2 year old to bed, and I began to sing to her. She reached up, put her finger over my lips, and said, "Shhh, Mommy." FML
I agree, your life sucks
42280
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13727
151 Comments
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By Belgian girl - United States - Lewes
Today, I became my one night stand's shrink as he went through the process of realising he might be bisexual. FML
I agree, your life sucks
5261
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692
5 Comments
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By Grrr - United States - Salem
Today, I was walking in my apartment when I felt something stab my foot. Thinking it was a piece of glass, I looked down. It was one of my roommate's toenail clippings. FML
I agree, your life sucks
26237
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2062
87 Comments
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By Anonymous

Taking pictures

Today, I was teaching a high school calculus class. I wrote a complex formula on the board. As I wrote, students asked if they could take a picture of the board and circulate it. I said yes, and I was pleased as everybody seemed to be taking pictures. Soon, I realized why: my skirt was tucked into my underwear. Within a few minutes, every student in the school had an email with a picture of my ugliest pair of floral-printed panties. FML
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2127
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441
11 Comments
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By lifedamntough - Singapore
Today, I took a shower after I finished typing an important essay I've been working on for days. My computer illiterate mum shut the computer down when I was gone, without saving a thing. When I confronted her, she yelled at me for "wasting electricity". FML
I agree, your life sucks
31129
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64843
312 Comments
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By shininghayley - United States
Today, my boyfriend decided to take me out bowling. My mom was going to take us. My parents ended up bowling with us. I had a double date with my parents. FML
I agree, your life sucks
28706
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6288
132 Comments
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By Infadel - United States - San Marcos
Today, I was prepping for an interview after several months of unemployment. I had just finished brushing my teeth when I reached back and grabbed a towel behind me to wipe my face. Turns out it wasn't a towel, it was my newly dry-cleaned suit jacket that my wife had put there for me. FML
I agree, your life sucks
37752
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10470
48 Comments
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By Bart - France - Lille
Today, our company was being visited by one of our biggest clients, a rich Japanese businessman. My boss wanted to honour him by welcoming him while wearing a kimono in the reception area of our building. The client was in a suit and tie, and I don't think he'll be back. FML
I agree, your life sucks
28245
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3488
3 Comments
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By anonymous - United States
Today, my alcoholic mother decided to finally check herself into rehab. She did it while drunk, and flirted with the front attendant. FML
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27205
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2325
103 Comments
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By Anonymous - United Kingdom
Today, I got fined when my fat dog decided to walk across a private film set to get at the catering area. FML
I agree, your life sucks
24936
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104 Comments
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By Anonymous - United States
Today, I was on a first date with this girl I've been talking to. I met her and she came with me so I could park my car in the student lot. On the way back, I saw a beat up car with its window duct taped up and exclaimed "Haha! Look at that piece of junk." It was her car. FML
I agree, your life sucks
8615
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38900
59 Comments
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By Anonymous - United States - Atlanta
Today, I should be spending my birthday with my boyfriend of 8 months. Instead he's visiting his ex, who's pregnant with a baby that "may or may not be" his. FML.
I agree, your life sucks
49028
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6430
134 Comments
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By ShouldICallYouDaddy - United Kingdom - Grantham
Today, I discovered that the "hot, slutty, woman" my room mate has been dating is my mom. FML
I agree, your life sucks
19133
Phew, glad it wasn't me
2383
41 Comments
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By Anonymous - 2/10/2020 18:02 - Australia - Melbourne

Keep the peace

Today, my girlfriend accidentally put rubbish in the neighbour's bin. Then the old lady took all the rubbish out and threw it on the floor. I came out and tried to calm the situation, but then my girlfriend ran downstairs and tipped her cat food and cat milk bowls over. FML
I agree, your life sucks
623
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80
2 Comments
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By Anonymous - United States - Killington
Today, I found my childhood diary stashed in a box in the attic. I flipped to the last page and noticed a little note written by my now deceased father. It read, "Well son, this diary proves that you're a whiny asshole - Dad." Thanks Dad, from beyond the grave. FML
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28381
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Next
Nearly  
Today I cried and left because my dad was saying my s/o of 7 years is shit and that he wanted to hurt him just because he didn't want to share an icecream...
I agree, your life sucks
21
You deserved it
2
0 Comments
Today my folding table collapsed destroying one of my roommates favorite cups. A few days ago I already destroyed her favorite cup, now I have to explain...
I agree, your life sucks
10
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4
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See all the Nearly FMLs
  Spicy
  Today, I wore leggings without underwear. When I got in the car after a busy shopping day, I realized that my pubes had poked through the fabric and my...
I agree, your life sucks
152
You deserved it
796
9 Comments
  Today, I got home from work a few hours early to find my mum cheating, right in the middle of the act. So much for a nice afternoon off. FML
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