Random FMLs

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Today, my boyfriend and I were using our skype accounts for the first time. He went to the restroom and I thought that I'd surprise him with my clothes off for when he came back. I heard him walk back into the room so I got into position. It wasn't him. It was his mom. FML

By Jssceli09 - 18/12/2009 08:25 - United States

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Today, in my early morning haze, I tried to find the setting on my phone that would stop my cat meowing for his breakfast. FML

By MeowApp - 1/2/2017 10:00 - Australia - Melbourne

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Today, I went to a river near my house. They have several swing ropes that you grab and then jump into the river. As I was about to let go of the rope, my leg got tangled and I was held underwater. My mom watched and laughed for a while before she came to help me. FML

By Anonymous - 7/5/2012 05:25 - United States - North Bergen

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Today, I figured out why my name is Ashley. In order to tell my older sister about getting a new little sister, my parents thought it would be a good idea to make her imaginary friend "Ashley" real. FML

By Anonymous - 18/12/2010 09:03 - United States

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Today, my grandmother patched up my $300, vintage, limited edition, designer jeans because she thought I'd accidentally ripped them. FML

By ch - 4/3/2009 05:40 - United States

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Today, I'm horny all the time, but my endurance in the sack is horrible. Why me? FML

By Anonymous - 12/8/2020 20:00

Rock, hard place

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Today, I went to the bagel shop down the street for breakfast, the same one I've been going to for over 6 months now. At the counter the same lil' cook guy who's served me over those same 6 months, looks at me and says, "Yes, Ms?". I'm a guy. FML

By dunnough - 14/1/2009 11:06 - United States

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Today, I got asked to Homecoming by the person I really like. I said yes and I was really excited. But my best friend who has liked me since the 6th grade wasn't. He went and broke my date's jaw. FML

By AdriBAMF - 17/10/2009 17:11 - United States

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Today, I went for lunch at a Chinese restaurant near my home that I have never eaten at before. It was so good I went back tonight for more, and the restaurant has been boarded up. It is closed due to food contamination. Inspections happened today. I ate contaminated food for lunch today. FML

By tinfoilnirvana - 30/4/2009 00:42 - United States

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Today, I was at Home Depot getting a Christmas tree with my family. While picking out a tree, a man thought it would be nice to help cut off the string that held the tree together. The branches hit me in the face and the guy managed to cut my hand. FML

By shoutoutloud2him - 5/12/2009 08:48 - United States

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Today, I actually had to have a discussion with my boyfriend about why he should shower more than once a week. FML

By uuuuugh - 21/1/2010 10:47 - United States

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Today, my mother admitted to me that she sends me up and down the stairs to get things for her because she thinks I could use the exercise. FML

By TheRunaway21 - 6/4/2015 20:49 - United States

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Today, someone posted photos from a party I was at. On each photo I'm posing in with a girl, my hand is not touching her, but is hovering over her like some creepy weirdo loser. My Facebook nickname is now of course "Hover Hand." FML

By Hover Hand - 21/11/2012 02:37 - United States - Merchantville

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Today, I was rejected for an internship due to 'lack of experience.' I have both an MA and a BA from a highly prestigious school and years of work experience. My would-be superior: a 24 year old without a graduate degree and only one year of work experience. She wore jeans to the interview. FML

By screwed - 4/1/2010 05:29 - United States

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Today, as I was laying in bed in my dark room, with only my phone's light on, a huge moth flew around it and directly into my open mouth. FML

By j_portal - 26/10/2014 03:47 - United States - Carlstadt

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Today, I was at an awards dinner. I whispered in my wifes ear that she looked really pretty. She whispered in my ear that I should stop clapping so loud because I was embarrassing her. FML

By Discostu80 - 6/6/2009 10:24 - Australia

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Today, I parked my convertible in the 5 minute bay at the post office. When I came back out I noticed a bum in the front seat pretending to drive it. After shouting at him and pulling him out, he stumbled off. I was then slapped with a ticket for being parked longer than 5 minutes. FML

By John - 15/11/2009 06:08 - Australia

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Today, I found out my girlfriend of 5 years cheated on me. When confronted she told me, "I didn't get wet so it wasn't cheating." FML

By amiadori - 1/5/2009 09:50 - United States

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Today, I found out my job is trying to get me to quit. FML

By yupimher - 12/10/2019 22:00

The long goodbye

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Today, I got lunch with a girl I really like. On the way, for some idiotic reason I decided it would be a good idea to show off by jumping up to high-five the red hand on a traffic sign. I ended up slipping and slamming full-force into the pole. I now have a bruise on my face. FML

By a stupid jackass - 22/6/2012 01:28 - United States - New York

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Today, my elderly neighbour told me why my other neighbours don't talk to me. I'm a massage/physical therapist and treat clients, mostly athletes, in my home. My neighbours saw the steady stream of young, buff guys coming to my house and concluded that I'm a gay prostitute. FML

By Anonymous - 31/12/2015 03:34 - United States - Blacksburg

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Today, I ran out of my antidepressants, and I cannot get more because my local hospital is closed, and I can't register online because the only way it will let me sign up is over the phone, due to me living in a rural area. I'm mute. FML

By CaptainStars - 29/6/2020 20:01

Bureaucracy

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Today, it's been three weeks since my dad finished growing what he calls a "Jesus beard" and gone out asking for donations and claiming to be Jesus Christ. I've been trying and failing to get a job for 2 years, and he's already raking in cash from gullible idiots. FML

By Anonymous - 29/8/2014 16:16 - United States - Port Lavaca

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Today, out of all the cars in the parking lot, mine got struck by lightning. FML

By A. - 14/10/2010 07:15 - United States

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Today, ignoring the unspoken rule of not entering the bus when the driver's not inside, I went in while he was taking a break. As I stepped inside, he reached in the window and pressed the "close-door" button. It closed on my hand. Everyone at the bus stop laughed as I yelped in pain. FML

By regrub - 10/1/2010 09:14 - United States

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Today, I texted my boyfriend of 6 months saying that I was in the mood, and that I was in bed, and naked. He texted back saying "U got fingers, use them, im going to bed xoxo". FML

By princess - 17/3/2009 05:06 - Canada

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Today, already knowing that my girlfriend wanted to be "just friends", I invited her over, hoping to change her mind. She was playfully drawing on me with a pen when I noticed she'd written "Emily's property" on my leg. I said "Aw, I'm yours?" She then drew a for-sale sign on me. FML

By John - 20/7/2011 16:38 - United States

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Today, the two government buildings on either side of my apartment both started renovations. It will be about two months of constant banging as they cut and put up the steel on both sites. FML

By Anonymous - 15/11/2017 15:00

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Today, my boyfriend bought me some feminine cleansing wipes for my birthday so I could, "get the hoo-ha spick-and-span." FML

By fishtacos - 1/12/2014 03:32 - United States - Fontana

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Today, my insane war veteran great-uncle punched me in the throat for not laughing hard enough at his stupid joke. FML

By Anonymous - 28/9/2013 04:02 - United States - Escalon

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Today, a cop pulled me over because there was a sign hidden behind a tree that said "No left turn". As I was getting my ticket, I watched as three cars turned left. The cop saw them, laughed, and said, "I guess you're the unlucky one." FML

By copper - 30/1/2011 02:20 - United States

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Today, I had an hour long meeting with my manager where she informed me the reason I had not been promoted is because she felt that people would not like to work for me, because I would, "make them do their job." FML

By Anonymous - 19/6/2012 07:00 - United States

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Today, I got fired from the job I've only had for a week. Between paying for a physical, my own background check and uniforms, I paid more money to start working there than I'll get from my one and only paycheck. FML

By sailorpete - 30/6/2019 02:25

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Today, after telling my parents just exactly what I thought of them and that I was moving out, the person I was supposed to move in with called to say they'd decided they would rather live alone. FML

By Anonymous - 31/12/2011 08:12 - United States

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Today, my mother threw a fit because the psychologist she got me suggested I visit a psychiatrist. Apparently, it's my fault because I "choose" to be so "crazy". FML

By misi - 22/6/2019 16:00

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Today, my girlfriend and I were getting frisky when we decide to try the old 69. One thing leads to another when her clit ring went deep into my nose, and leaving me feeling like the wrong kind of bull. FML

By buckerooo - 3/12/2019 20:00

Too much feeling!

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Today, I finally got enough money to buy the car I wanted for a year now. It was stolen today too. I had my car for 4 hours. FML

By stolen-car - 26/6/2012 02:55 - United States - Columbia

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Today, I had my first appearance in a court as an attorney. I called the prosecution the prostitution. FML

By apav - 11/6/2009 11:52 - Australia

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Today, my mom called me to the laundry room after she saw a dead animal in there. I took a look and agreed we should call animal control. After ten minutes of freaking out, they finally arrived to confirm that the dead animal was the hood to my winter jacket. FML

By Anonymous - 15/8/2010 05:24 - United States

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