Random FMLs

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Today, my coworkers threw me a going away lunch, since I’m moving on to a better opportunity. Nothing reminds you why you’re leaving like being the last person to your own party, and picking over the minuscule amount of food scraps that are left. FML

By nba - 30/5/2019 16:00

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Today, my mother bitched me out for filing divorce papers against my abusive husband. According to her, it's a "slap in God's face". She's the one who's divorced two husbands so far because they weren't getting job promotions fast enough to support her hoarding habit. FML

By Anonymous - 24/8/2013 20:37 - United States - North Bend

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Today, my eight-year-old microwaved our thermometer to see if the temperature would change. FML

By Anonymous - 6/11/2014 12:15 - United States - Gainesville

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Today, a man asked about fishing in the river which flows beside where I work. I said you could, but anything you caught under 5 inches has to be thrown back. His wife then said, "Wish I knew that before I married him." I started to laugh. The man almost cried and complained to my boss. FML

By Anonymous - 27/5/2013 00:40 - United Kingdom - Maybole

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Today, I held the door open for someone and he said, "Thank you!" I said, "Thank you!" back. FML

By Anonymous - 27/7/2019 15:01 - United States - Pomona

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Today, my anxiety cockblocked me. I was in the middle of a wank, about to come, when I suddenly freaked out and had to stop and check to make sure I didn't have any homework due tomorrow. FML

By helpme - 24/11/2015 06:34 - United States - Annapolis

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Today, my teacher started talking about me quietly to the stuffed cat, called Rufus, that she keeps on her desk. FML

By jumbledgirl - 10/1/2012 05:25 - United States

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Today, my daughter was putting clothes in the drier when she yelled, "Mom!! The drier won't start!" I had to explain to her that the door needed to be shut. Her response, "Oh. I didn't know that mattered." She's 15. FML

By i_am_forever - 6/1/2015 01:59 - United States - San Francisco

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Today, I asked a girl what time she'd like me to pick her up for our date tonight. She didn't know what I was talking about. It seems like, after months of sweaty palms, nervous smiles, and awkward sentences, I only dreamed she said yes to going out. FML

By LoveStinks - 18/8/2016 10:56

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Today, I realized my recent weight loss probably wasn't caused by working out and eating more healthily. It was from the tapeworm I discovered hanging out my ass after I took a crap. I had to pull it out with my bare hands. FML

By scarred for life - 28/5/2016 05:23 - United States - Carmel

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Phew, glad it wasn't me

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Today, I was skating with my friends and I decided to go to the gas station to get a pack of cigs. The last thing I remember hearing was "Look out!" I am now with twenty stitches because some idiot bet he could throw a brick farther than another guy. FML

By Anonymous - 6/7/2009 06:49 - United States

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Today, I called in sick to my job. I'm already on shaky ground there, but I was honestly sick. I happened to call in during the mandatory departmental meeting. Apparently, I was supposed to go in a half-hour early. I called in thirty minutes late, during a required meeting. FML

By Anonymous - 25/5/2019 06:13

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Today, I realized that trying to fit in with my crush's social circle by acting like one of the lads was a waste of time. All he does is high-five me all the time and tell me every little detail of his latest one night stands. FML

By Anonymous - 27/10/2011 19:54 - Denmark

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Today, while I took my dog out, my mother began to cook, took a Xanax, locked the doors, and knocked out. When I managed to get in, I called the paramedics because she was in the smoke for at least an hour. When she became conscious, she blamed me for everything. FML

By ApparentlyATerribleDaughter - 12/8/2018 15:00

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Today, I was at work at Krispy Kreme for national "talk like a pirate" day. If you dressed like a pirate you'd get a free dozen donuts. A man came in with just an eyepatch on. Thinking he was trying to get a free dozen, I told him he needed to try harder. Turned out the eyepatch was real. FML

By Jamie - 20/9/2013 00:47 - United States - Newport News

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Today, I paid $80 to change my cell number because my ex-girlfriend had been stalking me. To inform all of my friends of the change, I sent a mass text message to everyone in my phonebook. Including my ex. FML

By Blackberry - 10/7/2009 19:15 - Canada

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Today, I went camping with my husband. We drove 11 hours to his favourite site before he remembered he didn't put the tent in the car. FML

By angry - 22/6/2010 07:47 - Australia

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Today, at work, I served a customer who looked so much like my grandma that I thought it actually was her. Then I remembered she died 6 months ago. I had to serve customers with a smile on my face while choking back tears for the rest of the day. FML

By myanmarkaviar - 27/8/2015 16:34 - Norway - Fl?

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Today, at work I had to spend 2 hours cleaning up stinky toilet water. Why? Because yesterday, I forgot to turn on the septic tank pumps. The tank overflowed, and so did all the toilets. My boss is not happy. FML

By DogStew - 15/9/2019 20:00

Pumped-up Tanks

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Today, my boyfriend and I were making love for the first time, when out of nowhere my cat meowed from the doorway. My boyfriend sighed, pulled out, and exasperatedly called me a selfish bitch for not having put my cat outside. FML

By S12Sophia - 2/5/2012 22:06 - France

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Today, I was trying to go to sleep when I heard my sister come home from the bar. I fell asleep and woke up an hour later to see my sister squatting in my dresser drawer. I asked her what she was doing and she said "I'm peeing." FML

By jessefonsexy. - 7/12/2010 11:08 - United States

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Today, I went with my sister to her company Christmas party. They had a gift raffle, my number was called and I won $25 for a local restaurant. A few moments later, the manager came over and said, "You don't work here? You can't have that" and took it from me. FML

By unlucky - 16/12/2010 04:08 - United States

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Today, I found out why we've had to replace 3 washing machines this year. My sister thinks that "huge capacity" means "load the washing machine until no more clothes will fit." It blows the motor every time. She's 31. FML

By kilamo80 - 27/7/2013 09:26 - United States - Clarkston

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Today, I had to decline the sale of alcohol to a man who reeked of booze and was practically falling asleep at my till. He tried to convince me that he wasn't drunk, he was just blind. Still refusing to sell him the beer, he started yelling at me, accusing me of "being racist against the 'blinds'". FML

By PerfectVision - 11/9/2014 06:49 - United States - Long Beach

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Today, I got called into the school by my daughter's teacher. Apparently my daughter informed her class that over the weekend she spent her time with her daddy watching porn stars while her mummy was at work. It took a long time to convince her they were actually watching a TV show called "Pawn Stars". FML

By auraya1985 - 12/9/2015 21:34 - United Kingdom

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Today, I walked in on my brother jerking off to a breast cancer awareness advert. FML

By ugh, why - 22/11/2015 05:12 - Australia

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Today, I pulled up to the stoplight near my house. It was dark with no traffic and the car behind me kept edging closer and closer to me. I finally got fed up with waiting and the car and ran it. In fact, it was a cop and he was trying to read my license plate because the back light was out. FML

By PulledOver - 1/6/2009 05:10 - United States

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Today, I was at my school's spaghetti dinner with my family. My brother shook up my mom's soda, as a prank. My entire class witnessed my mom waving around an overflowing Diet Coke while my dad yelled, "Come on, put your mouth on it! Suck it! Suck it, Kathy!" FML

By gbhlaughingstock - 18/8/2009 19:20 - United States

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Today, I invited over 30 people to come to the park with me since the day was nice and cool. I sat there for three hours by myself. FML

By Anonymous - 1/10/2009 05:38 - United States

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Today, my mom wanted me to pick up my cousin from work immediately. I'm in my shirt and underwear with no other clothes and I'm also too young to drive. She said "He won't mind, and just take my drivers license, they'll never know!" FML

By - 7/12/2018 16:00 - United States - Zephyrhills

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Today, on a plane I was showing my brother the life jackets kept under the seat. After pulling on what I thought was the lifejacket, I then realized that they were kept in the arm rest to my right and for the last five minutes I had been pulling on the foot of the man who was sitting behind me. FML

By Anonymous - 26/8/2009 04:28 - Canada

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Today, I got a call from my son's kindergarten teacher. Apparently my son asked a girl to marry him. After she said no, he stabbed her with a fork. FML

By Anonymous - 10/8/2013 04:02 - United States - Los Angeles

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Today, my 20-year-old daughter staggered into my room at two in the morning, drunker than I ever thought a person could be, screaming for me to make pancakes for her. FML

By Ugh - 27/2/2013 21:42 - United Kingdom

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Today, my parents met my fiancée's parents for the first time in a large family gathering two weeks before our formal wedding. Both sets of parents were telling funny stories about our pasts. My dad's story won. He told how I spent a week in jail earlier this year. FML

By justmyluck25 - 23/7/2010 12:59 - United States

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Today, I met a new guy at work who would not stop hitting on me. We ended up on a six hour shift together watching a pool, so we were wearing nothing but bathing suits when he began grabbing me inappropriately. When I confided in my female coworker about it, she told me he was her husband. FML

By - 30/12/2020 18:00

I am sorry

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Today, I was playing Slender, when I caught a glimpse of the Slenderman. I jumped in my chair, letting rip a huge fart in the process. Nobody heard it, but only because my shrieks of terror drowned out the sound. FML

By theydidsmellitthough - 8/2/2013 21:59 - Israel - Netanya

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Today, I found out how it feels to get your nut-sack caught in a belt buckle. FML

By Anonymous - 24/2/2012 12:30 - United States

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Today, I twisted my ankle during a round of golf, after trying to do a fancy jumping high five. FML

By Anonymous - 22/3/2012 20:17 - United States - Fresno

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Today, I wanted to sleep in after a rough week, only to be woken up by my roommate's sex screams and the pounding of her bed against the wall. Earplugs did not help. FML

By Anonymous - 7/11/2009 16:24 - United States

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