Random FML

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Today, I was out running. All of a sudden I saw a dog come towards me, I thought it was going to attack me and I screamed like a girl in front of everyone. It was a puppy wanting to play. FML

By BIZZMAL - 5/1/2011 02:44 - United States

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Today, I finally told my boyfriend I have a medical condition that makes me grow an unusual amount of hair on my face, so I shave every day. He said he was leaving me because he refuses to be with a "bearded lady". FML

By Foxy0706 - 10/11/2015 19:27 - United States - Baton Rouge

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Today, my two best friends that I've known since middle school broke up. I'm glad I'm no longer a third wheel but now they won't talk to each other and both use me to complain about the other. FML

By leena - 23/2/2016 00:55 - United States - Encinitas

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Today, as I sat on my couch heartbroken from a very recent breakup, my mother walked up to me and in a very comforting voice said, "maybe he left you for someone else." FML

By too bad so sad - 15/2/2009 11:51 - United States

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Today, I was alone in my friend's kitchen. I had "Don't Cha" stuck in my head all day so I decided to let it out by doing a slutty dance, including spinning around the support pole in the kitchen. I heard a noise outside and saw my friend's dad had been cleaning the windows. With a boner. FML

By sluttydancer - 10/6/2009 13:51 - United States

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Today, during my religion class, my instructor decided to use the state of the class's cars as a metaphor for our relationship with God. When I told him my car had been totalled in an accident last week, he yelled at me for being an "agent of Satan." One class down, 59 to go. FML

By ThreeMoreYears - 3/3/2020 03:01

Jesus, take the wheel

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Today, my younger sister's dog broke its leg. The vets are closed today so instead of going on a date with a girl I have been trying to get for at least 2 years, I need to carry an 80 lb. dog that hates me, up and down the stairs. I already got bit twice. FML

By Noname - 15/10/2009 22:14 - United States

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Today, I came across a picture of my grandpa taking a hit off a bong, while wearing nothing but a Playboy shirt. FML

By mortifiedgrandchild - 9/1/2012 18:53 - United States

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Today, my car window got smashed, because someone somehow confused the doll my daughter always leaves strapped into a carseat for an actual kid. It's a cabbage patch kid. FML

By mother to an ugly doll - 4/9/2013 18:10 - Canada - Edmonton

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Today, on the way to work, I pulled over at a postbox to post a letter. I walked up to the box with the letter in one hand, car key in the other. Guess which one I posted. FML

By Posty - 18/5/2009 18:38 - United Kingdom

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Today, I was at my boyfriend's house. I wanted to tease him, so I got his attention and made my orgasm face when I thought no one was looking. His thirteen year-old cousin saw and now bursts out laughing whenever he sees me. FML

By Oops - 3/1/2016 19:09 - United States - San Francisco

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Today, my boyfriend of 2 years decided to tell an unimaginably rude joke to my grandma while at my house. She hit him over the head with a vase, and he's threatening to press charges. I still don't know whose side to take. FML

By Anonymous - 23/2/2013 16:13 - United States - Riverside

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Today, in an effort to be more healthy, I bought a pack of protein bars as a substitute for snacks. I ate all 5 of them in one sitting. FML

By ashamed - 22/2/2017 16:00 - United States - Brooklyn

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Today, I mentioned to my mum that one of my friends is pregnant. She decided I was lying, that I'm the one who's actually pregnant, and that I'm going to get checked out by a doctor. FML

By ellabellabooboo - 22/3/2015 02:27 - New Zealand - Auckland

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Today, I found out that I have enough driving skills to manage to hit a pothole and have two of my tires go flat. FML

By FlatTire - 13/2/2011 05:30 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend and I got into a huge fight. What was it over? He accused me of pronouncing MY name wrong. FML

By Anonymous - 4/9/2011 05:41 - United States

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Today, I ran to my car and zoomed to work to avoid being late. I was in such a hurry, I forgot to close all my windows. When I got back to my car, I found a dead squirrel inside. FML

By anon - 1/7/2011 19:22 - United States

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Today, while trying to sexily wash my man in the shower, I dropped the body wash bottle. The pump grazed my nipple, making it bleed. As if that didn't kill the mood, I now have a Star Wars bandaid on my boob. FML

By DroppedTheSoap - 26/4/2019 04:00 - Australia - Brisbane

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Today, £250 of money belonging to work was stolen from my handbag. My boss says I have to pay it back because I'm the one that signed out the cash. There goes the holiday I was about to book. FML

By Anonymous - 30/1/2017 13:05 - United Kingdom

Staycation time

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Today, I had to wait an hour in the awful rain for my mom to pick me up, because she didn't realize the clocks had gone forward already. FML

By Anonymous - 13/3/2011 21:51 - United States

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Today, my wife of 2 years told me she was pregnant, after we've been trying for ages. Excited, about to call my parents, then, my wife told me, "Don't get your hopes up it might not be yours, the father could be 5 other guys." And then asked me what I'd like for dinner. FML

By - 18/11/2019 20:00

Hopeless

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Today, my best friend got a new boyfriend. She asked him what he wanted for his upcoming birthday, and he said he just wanted to hang out with her and watch a movie or two. I thought it was sweet, so I asked my boyfriend what he would like for his upcoming birthday. He said a blow job. FML

By badboyfriends - 15/5/2009 05:44 - United States

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Today, my house got robbed. They left a note: "Next time, we steal your souls." FML

By Anonymous - 18/7/2011 04:26 - United States

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Today, at my job as a 2nd grade teacher, I was explaining to my students how I'm pregnant and will have to take a break from teaching after I have my baby. One of my students replied with "Ooooooooohhh Ms. Johnson had sex!" FML

By Acu7519 - 16/4/2018 15:00

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Today, I got home from work early and discovered why my 17-year-old daughter's sprained elbow isn't getting any better after weeks of treatment. She can't stop giving handjobs. FML

By Anonymous - 5/7/2013 14:26 - United States - Chicago

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Today, I thought it would be a good idea to superglue a couple quarters to the sidewalk downtown and watch people try to pick them up. Unfortunately, street patrol was watching me glue everything the whole time. I was fined with public vandalism and defacing US currency. FML

By Anonymous - 5/5/2009 05:43 - United States

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Today, it was my 18th birthday. Nobody said anything. Gillette sent me a free razor though. FML

By Lost - 14/1/2010 15:57 - United States

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Today, I finally worked up the courage to ask a cute guy for his number. Once he had given me his, he asked for mine. My initial happiness was deflated when he said "Ok, now I can just block every message from you." And walked away from me. FML

By Anonymous - 18/9/2009 10:40 - Australia

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Today, as I was making biscuits my mom joked, "Don't burn the house down." I told her "Don't worry, I know how to make biscuits." The oven caught fire. FML

By zuzu - 1/5/2019 14:00

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Today, I drank 1.5 litres of water. I didn't go to the bathroom for 9 hours. During my one hour trek home on public transport, I was busting to pee but I managed to hold it. Walking 200m from my bus stop to my house was agony, but I still held it. When I got to my front door I peed my pants. FML

By anon9876542 - 20/8/2009 11:02 - Australia

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Today, after graduating from culinary school, I was turned down by Chipotle, Jersey Mike's, and McDonald's entry-level jobs because I didn't have enough experience. FML

By JTBastry - 30/4/2018 19:00

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Today, my boyfriend told me he needed to reconsider coming to see me for financial reasons. I'm the one paying for the airfare, giving him a place to stay, and covering his expenses while he's here. FML

By Kitty - 23/4/2009 08:54 - Singapore

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Today, I came home at 1am to find my mom sitting on my couch, ranting about how I'm not supposed to stay up this late. I'm 26 and I don't know how she got into my house. FML

By whowhat - 11/7/2013 06:26 - United States

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Today, I went to the bank to deposit the cash I made waiting tables. While the teller was counting, I apologized for having so many small bills and she said "It's OK honey, I helped another one of your kind just the other day. You're lucky we take your dirty money." She thought I was a stripper. FML

By - 17/1/2020 18:00

Everything is clean

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Today, I've had my tenth "Christmas" dinner since Christmas last took place. My mum has gone nuts and keeps playing Christmas music, making these dinners, and refusing to let me take down the Christmas decorations. My dad is too whipped to save us from this hell. FML

By Anonymous - 4/1/2014 21:31 - Ireland

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Today, I had the rehearsal for two of my friends' wedding. My ex-husband is also in the wedding, and I just found out we have to walk down the aisle together 'for height reasons'. FML

By Username - 20/7/2010 04:57 - France

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Today, I was talking to my husband about a work colleague, whose boyfriend is always sending her flowers and fawning over her. I mentioned how I've never been treated like that. He glanced up from his video game and said, "Shit, Mel. Get a boob job then." FML

By Mel Ancholy - 18/2/2012 02:04 - United States

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Today, I took my first shower in weeks after having had spinal surgery. My sister flushed a toilet. I couldn't reach the nozzle or my cane to get off the shower bench, and all I could do was sit there as scalding hot water sprayed all over me. FML

By Ouchies - 9/2/2012 17:28 - United States

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Today, I was in a nightclub with my girlfriend when a beautiful woman looked at me in the most provocative way. I didn't want to upset my girlfriend, so I escaped to the bar. When I came back, I saw the same girl making out with my girlfriend. Maybe I wasn't the one she was looking at. FML

By clubber - 4/11/2008 04:16 - Switzerland

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