Home - FML

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Today, while taking a shower in the dorm bathroom, my roommate thought it would be funny to steal my towel, robe, and key. I spent over an hour waiting for someone to come into the bathroom so I could ask them to bring me something to cover up. FML

By issy - 21/9/2009 05:31 - United States

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Today, my morbidly obese mother gave me an angry lecture at dinner, saying without any trace of irony that my vegetarian diet is "unhealthy and utterly unacceptable". FML

By tardspawn - 5/4/2015 15:38 - United Kingdom - Horsham

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Today, a coworker at school yelled at one of our students to be quiet. The kid got pretty upset, so I went to comfort him. He held my hand for the rest of the class, telling me in vivid detail how he was going to kill my coworker. Now I'm afraid to look at him. FML

By Anonymous - 1/10/2013 16:36 - United States - El Cajon

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Today, I was cruising with a coworker and his friend, and I started getting tired. His friend offered me a caffeine pill. It wasn't caffeine. It was laxatives. FML

By Username - 30/4/2011 04:49 - United States

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Today, as usual, I'm stuck working in a brutally hostile work environment under my mother-in-law, who's never forgiven me for marrying her daughter. I only got the job because of family politics. Four months on, I still can't even land so much as a single interview elsewhere. FML

By Anonymous - 18/3/2016 17:29 - United States - Oceanside

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Today, I had a customer write "fuck you" in the tip option area on his credit card slip, I have no idea why. FML

By tuck87 - 18/7/2014 15:49 - Canada - Toronto

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Today, while masturbating at the computer, I was interrupted by a flash of light out of the corner of my eye. As I turned to face it, I realized I forgot to close the blinds. Standing at the window in the appartment across the street were two girls, one had a camera and was snapping a second shot. FML

By JoeyDizz - 6/5/2009 03:41 - United States

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Today, the kids I babysit hid from me. While I was looking for them, I stepped on multiple strategically-placed Lego bricks. When I yelped from the pain, the kids jumped out and threw soccer balls in my face. FML

By Anonymous - 23/3/2013 23:47 - United States

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Today, my swim coach had me swim a 400 meter freestyle. Feeling a little sick near the end, I lifted my head to breathe, then burped, and threw up violently all in the pool. All my team mates screamed horrified running out of the pool, and now they have to drain it. I was told not to come back. FML

By grlzze444 - 16/11/2010 00:19 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend read online that oversleeping has been linked to strokes later in life. He's now taken it upon himself to protect me by making sure that I have as minimal sleep as possible. FML

By nosleep - 29/12/2012 07:33 - Canada - Calgary

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Today, I tried to email my Dad a picture of someone we knew that I'd found on the Internet. He called me later to inform me that I had actually sent him a picture of myself in a naughty school girl outfit that I'd taken for my husband. My mom was laughing her ass off. FML

By Anonymous - 10/1/2011 20:55 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend and I were laying naked in my bed making out. All of a sudden, we hear "pop goes the weasel" outside my house. My boyfriend stops and excitedly says, "ICE CREAM MAN", flips me over, grabs his clothes, and runs out of my room. FML

By soooyeah - 30/4/2009 12:15 - United States

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Today, I locked myself in the bathroom and started spanking the ferret. I started to get really into it when my dad started pounding on the door and yelled, "Son, that's great staying power, but can you finish up already?" FML

By Anonymous - 6/5/2011 18:09 - Saudi Arabia

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Today, I was cashiering at Walmart, when a customer picked open a cold-sore on her lip before trying to give me her money with the same hand. When I freaked out and refused to take her money, she started screaming and threatening to sue me for "violating the First Amendment." FML

By artdegreemyass - 21/7/2012 21:14 - United States - West Palm Beach

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Today, at the restaurant I work at, my own mom refused to give a tip and complained to my boss. FML

By jackzz - 9/4/2015 07:55 - Vietnam - Hanoi

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Today, my four year old daughter came up to me with her finger in her ear. She then let me know that her earwax tasted better than the dinner I made. In front of my whole family. FML

By Bailey - 5/4/2011 04:04 - Canada

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Today, I called my dad, because I haven't spoken to him in a while, and I wanted to invite him to my graduation in May. When he picked up, I said, "Hey, how have you been, dad?" He scoffed, "Wrong number" and hung up the phone. FML

By Anonymous - 9/12/2012 06:43 - United States

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Today, I realised just how grossly out of shape I am, when I started violently sweating, felt light-headed, and almost blacked out. All this from helping my sister shift a sofa from the move-in truck to her living room. FML

By Anonymous - 8/5/2011 19:08 - United Kingdom

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Today, my doctor died. Last week, after a check up I'd had because I was worried about a cough, he told me not to worry because I was as healthy as he was. FML

By Anonymous - 29/8/2015 08:50 - United Kingdom - London

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...and then it's suddenly Monday again.

By FML Videos - 5/10/2018 18:30

TGIF

Today, at the bank, I went to get some coffee from their machine. I gave it my money and pressed the buttons but nothing was happening. After banging on the machine for ten minutes and calling a teller over, a little boy reached up on his tippy toes to press the giant green START button for me. FML

By Tygastyle - 23/6/2009 17:37 - United States

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Today, the only food in the house is canned beans and vegetables that I can’t stand. My dad refuses to go to the store because, "we can't afford it." Meanwhile, my stepmom just came home with a brand new Gucci purse. FML

By kagan - 8/8/2019 14:00

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Today, I woke up to find the entire driver's side of my car wrecked. Front door, back door, front and rear bumper smashed to shit. A drunk driver had hit it the previous night and ran. Don't worry though, he stopped and left his insurance information. He keyed it into the undamaged side of my car. FML

By wtfman101 - 28/8/2009 14:56 - United States

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Today, I learned how to make my fridge colder. I felt that what it was set on felt a little warmer than normal, so I turned it down. Now everything in my fridge is frozen. FML

By nobar - 4/6/2019 06:00

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Today, during a football match, the referee declared a goal as invalid. The dad of the kid who scored didn't agree, which led to an all-out fight among all the kids' parents. FML

By FMyCountry - 24/4/2017 14:00

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Today, rather than buying one pork chop big enough for myself, I bought two smaller chops just so the cashier wouldn't think I was eating by myself. FML

By LonelyPorkChop - 18/12/2013 09:30 - Australia

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Today, I handed my resume in to a cafe that was hiring. I returned home and noticed a voicemail, it was one from the boss for a trial. I eagerly returned the call, showing my enthusiasm. Without thinking, I ended with "ok love you. *GASP* ah, BYE" and quickly hung up. FML

By babyfatt - 16/12/2009 08:23 - Australia

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Today, I actually had to teach my 9-year-old brother how to pour himself a glass of milk, after he burst out in tears when my sister told him to do it himself. His astonishing ignorance also extends to basic hygiene. FML

By Anonymous - 4/7/2013 16:27 - Germany - K?ln

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Today, I was waitering at the restaurant that I work at when I collected a credit card bill that was worth $120 and a big zero on the tip line. Angered, I turned to a co-worker and said "I knew this asshole wasn't going to tip me." The guy was standing right behind me with $30 in his hand. FML

By brhorton02 - 6/4/2009 14:42 - United States

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By Alan - 28/8/2015 10:19

Pauline's illustrated FML

Come on, no need to make that face ! Yep, it's sadly the last, mournful days of Summer. People are packing up their beach balls...

Today, I was trying on some clothes in the store's changing room, when someone reached under the door and grabbed my purse, shoes, and pants. FML

By Gitana - 22/4/2012 19:08 - Spain - Tafalla

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Today, I learned that my parents lied. They didn't meet each other at an acid house rave. They met each other at a crack house. FML

By CrackHouseBaby - 16/10/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Manchester

This Is Us

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Today, I bought a textbook for my college class. Not only is the £150 book only sold by our teacher, it turned out to be a piece of shit that he obviously wrote, printed, and stapled together at home. When I went to the faculty about it, I was told it's all perfectly legal, and to drop it. FML

By defrauded - 8/3/2013 18:44 - United Kingdom - Oban

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Today, in bed, my wife took her vibrator and started masturbating. Feeling excited, I went down to help her. She told me to knock it off 'cause she couldn't focus. FML

By BackedOff - 10/11/2018 05:00 - Belgium

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Today, I was in a car crash. While I was being immobilised by the paramedics to be taken to the nearest hospital, the passenger of the other car, who didn't have a single scratch, touched my shoulder and said, "It doesn't matter, nobody got hurt." FML

By paula.isabel - 9/9/2018 20:30

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Today, my cousin left her undisciplined demon-child at my house for Christmas. This child destroyed the other children's gifts and made so much noise that the neighbors called the police. The adults can't really discipline her while her mother is away, so all we can do is apologize in this child's wake. FML

By ChildhoodTerror - 26/12/2016 06:40

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Today, while changing the litter in the cat box, the brand new carton ripped open, spilling all twelve pounds of cat litter over my kitchen floor. Both cats promptly rushed over and began frantically urinating all over it. FML

By misfitunfit - 11/11/2015 01:24 - United States

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OP here. The carton of new litter was in the kitchen with the rest of the groceries I had brought in. Litter box is in the laundry room off the kitchen and it broke on the way there. woops!

misfitunfit Say more :

By pharmn00b - 8/7/2009 17:52 - United States

Today, at work, I was calling customers to tell them that they had prescriptions waiting to be picked up. It was a long list and every time I reached an answering machine I left our number so they could call us back. When I was finished, the pharmacist told me I been giving out our fax number. FML

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