Random Spicy FMLs

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Today, I recently got out of hospital after suffering a bad head injury. My doctor warned me I might have localised skin numbness, and it turns out I do. In my penis. Can’t feel a thing down there. We discovered this in bed, where nothing could get a rise out of me because it was completely dead FML

By Anonymous - 25/8/2020 01:02 - United Kingdom

Broken

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Today, I found out that my girlfriend secretly purchased a vibrator and has been using it for the past two weeks. When I confronted her, her only argument was "It's made me cum more times than you could." FML

By ToysforHire

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Today, my girlfriend gave me a blow-up doll and told me to practice. FML

By PlayTag - United States

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Today, I woke up to my girlfriend grinning at me, her hand on my junk. I grinned back, then looked down and saw blood smeared all over her hand and my junk. After I started screaming and crying, she laughed and said it was fake blood. She recorded everything. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Scottsdale

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Today, I finally lost my virginity, all while in the passionate throes of an asthma attack. FML

By feminista - Guatemala - Guatemala City

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Today, my boyfriend and I got intimate for the first time. A few hours later, we discovered he's highly allergic to my Summer's Eve soap. He looks like he's been attacked by bees. Yay for losing my v-card. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, I met my wife's other husband. FML

By bmonehh - United States

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Today, I had a talk with my daughter about how I hope her first boyfriend is a special one because 'spending the night' with a boy is a big deal. She replied with a giggle, "Mom, I lost my virginity in a parking lot three years ago!" FML

By Like mother like daughter - United States - Aurora

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Today, I overheard my boyfriend telling his friends about how great the sex was last night, and how he loves to "make a bitch bend over". We've been dating for 3 years, and haven't made love in several weeks. FML

By Username - United States

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Today, I was bored and started touching myself watching TV. My mother walked into my bedroom with a phone in her hand and yelled, "Stop jacking off and talk to your grandmother." FML

By caught - United States

Caught red-handed

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Today, my husband asked me to show him my boob. I began to pull the side of my shirt down when he said, "No, not that one, the big one." FML

By sarah6786 - United States - Schenectady

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Today, my boyfriend keeps requesting that I make eye contact when I give him blowjobs. He won't let up about it. I don't know how to break it to him that his penis is too small for me to suck and look upward at the same time. FML

By oh gee

21234

Phew, glad it wasn't me

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Today, my girlfriend won't have sex with me. Why? Because my mii knocked out her mii in Wii boxing. It wouldn't be as bad if she wasn't in one player mode. FML

By knock_out - United States

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Today, working midnight at a coffee shop, I had a customer set down his phone on the counter to pay. Screen up. Still playing his, "Ebony Rimjob" porn. FML

By Anonymous

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Today, my wife, who NEVER wants to have sex, decided that now is the time. I, of course, had to take antibiotics that make me so bloated I can’t move without extreme pain. FML

By Anonymous - 23/5/2020 20:00

Feelin' sexy

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Today, I realized that in the 3 and half month relationship with a wonderful guy I truly like, so far I've masturbated more than the whole year I was single before I met him. FML

By Anonymous - 11/1/2021 17:00

Mixed results

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Today, while making out in my car, the guy I was with decided it'd be a great idea to stick his tongue in my ear. He shoved it in so far that my ear still feels wet four hours later. FML

By Anonymous

Twister

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Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blow job. I thought it was going great and I was doing a good job, until he told me to "stop chomping on it like it's a hot dog." FML

By Anonymous - United States

Ouch

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Today, while on the bus, an old man told me about all the many things he wanted to do with my various orifices. FML

By robotchickens - United States

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Today, I had sex. The guy texted me an hour later, saying, "That was awkward. Let's not do that again." FML

By none - United States - San Antonio

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Today, I realized my girlfriend thinks that the goal of sex is to get it over with as quickly as possible. FML

By QuickieGirl - United States

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Today, as my boyfriend and I were messing around in his room he took off my underwear. As he was about to go down on me I spread my legs to help out then he looked up at me and said, "You got some toilet paper left behind." FML

By BarbieKen - United States

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Today, we had my grandmother with dementia round for tea. She looked me up and down and said, very matter-of-factly, "Well, with a figure like that, no one will rape you." FML

By Sgt_Jackrum - United Kingdom - Oldbury

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Today, my wife and I had to rush our dog to the vet for a $700 emergency surgery. The x-ray showed that he had eaten a vibrating cock ring. I've never bought or owned one, so now I've got to deal with the vet bill and lawyer fees for my soon-to-be ex-wife. FML

By FidoForever

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Today, I was shaving naked in my cold bathroom before showering. My wife walked up behind me, yelled "Shrinkage!" and flicked the head of my penis as hard as she could. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Attempting to make things a little more exciting, I said in my sexiest voice "oh yeah, harder." My boyfriend who apparently doesn't like talking dirty, pulled out and angrily said "I was trying, what more do you want?" FML

By alexis89 - United States

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Today, I woke up from the most sensual dream I've had in months. Unfortunately, despite it being better than any action I've had in a long time, the dream was about me fucking a donut. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Manchester

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Today, as I was walking into my apartment building, a douchebag leaned out his truck window and yelled, "HOW MUCH FOR A BJ?" He then pulled into a spot near my car. Apparently I have a charming new neighbor. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, my boyfriend finally got me to orgasm, for the first time in my life, after trying for months. He started laughing when I climaxed. I asked why. Apparently I look like an Down's Syndrome child when I climax. FML

By Embarrassed

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Today, my girlfriend wanted to try having sex despite her serious body image issues. Unfortunately, I couldn't get it up due to how utterly terrified she looked. Now no matter what I say, she thinks it's all because her body is hideous. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Meriden

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Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when he stopped and got dressed. Naked and confused, I figured he’d be right back. Yeah, 20 minutes later with a plate of food for himself. So much for sex. It would've been nice if he told me though. FML

By Samantha K - 19/10/2020 20:08

Break time

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Today, I was reminded what poverty is like when I had to choose between buying food and buying pads. Now, I have to take constant bathroom breaks and wipe off my pad. I don't get paid until after my period ends. FML

By poorgirl - United States

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Today, my sister got caught cheating on her boyfriend. She was cheating on him with my boyfriend. FML

By bbbblt - Australia

Cheats, cheats everwhere

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Today, my boyfriend told me that he doesn't know why I think deepthroating is so uncomfortable. To prove his point, he grabbed my dildo and effortlessly slid it down his throat. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Davis

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Today, I found out that the reason why my boyfriend has been denying me sex isn't because he is scared of someone walking in on us. It's because his blow-up doll pleasures him more than I do. FML

By MarieAmber18 - United States - Pasadena

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Today, my girlfriend updated her Facebook status when I was with her. No, let me correct myself. Today, my girlfriend updated her Facebook status when I was in her. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, I got a text message while driving home. I checked after arriving, and found it was a kinky text from my boyfriend, so I sent him an even kinkier reply. He later raged at me, because I somehow should have known he was showing off his phone to his mom when I sent my reply. FML

By i'm not psychic, mother fucker - Sweden - Uppsala

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Today, my mom tried to give me advice on how to improve my looks. I scoffed at her but listened to her advice anyway. She ended her tirade with, "I just want you to get laid someday." FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, I went to a zoo that had a gorilla in a cage. I walked up, and the gorilla stopped what he was doing, looked me in the eyes, and started jacking off. FML

I am sexy

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