Random Spicy

Rare thing

By sweet_02 - 01/06/2009 17:47 - United States

Today, I was talking this guy I'm dating and stated that the only reason I am with him is because of what he buys me. I was joking. He then responded that he doesn't care because the only reason he is with me is because I give good head. He was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 501

You deserved it 65 871

It's not?

By 310 - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he always thought the female orgasm was an urban legend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 218

You deserved it 4 157

Talk dirty to me, maybe

By Anonymous - 17/06/2010 22:56 - United States

Today, I learned that dirty talk does NOT get me off. My boyfriend and I were having sex and I said, "I'm going to come" during the beginning of my orgasm. My orgasm immediately stopped right after I said that. I'd managed to turn myself off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 377

You deserved it 15 992

Let me go!

By ForeSight - 14/08/2019 16:00

Today, my girlfriend wanted to play a game call "bondage bingo," taking turns tying each other up in different positions, and if we can’t escape, we get to take a picture. Whoever gets the most pictures wins. After tying me to a chair, she ended up leaving me there for hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 134

You deserved it 638

Gimme the D

By Anonymous - 07/02/2024 11:00 - United States - Citrus Heights

Today, I wanted to have sex with my boyfriend, but he kept falling asleep while I was giving him a handjob. Ugh, no sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 369

You deserved it 285

Read the room

By pissed girlfriend - 25/02/2013 03:08 - United States - Celina

Today, at my grandpa's funeral, my boyfriend texted me while sitting right beside me, asking if we could have sex when the "family get together" was finally over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 138

You deserved it 5 628

Thanks, I hate it!

By V…… - 09/02/2009 07:51 - United States

Today, I visited my 78 year-old grandmother. She thanked me for visiting and gave me a magazine before I left telling me I might find something I like in there. When I got home I looked at the magazine only to realize it's full of dildos and sextoys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 453

You deserved it 3 445

Mind your own beeswax

By Aiedail - 02/03/2023 23:00 - United Kingdom - London

Today, after months of watching it brewing, my best friend, who I love dearly, slept with the girl I've disliked for almost as long. It’s not my place to be hurt, we’re not together, but the idea just fills my heart with hopelessness and sadness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 852

You deserved it 513

Mystery shutdown

By Anonymous - 29/12/2024 19:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my wife always told me she loved sex too much to ever give it up. I don’t know what’s happened recently but she’s now angry for no reason, bitter at the world, makes me suffer just for existing, and yes, she’s cancelled all intimacy and sex for the foreseeable future. FML

I agree, your life sucks 520

You deserved it 168

By KarateKid76 - 05/12/2013 03:19 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was having it off with my boyfriend when all of a sudden he stops, grabs my breasts with both hands, makes circular motions with them, and yells, "Daniel-san! Wax on! Wax off! Wax on! Wax off!", killing my orgasm dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 583

You deserved it 6 364

It wasn't me

By SingleGirl - 07/09/2009 15:39 - United Kingdom

Today, my mum grounded me for going to my boyfriend's house instead of the library. She said my boyfriend's mum phoned up because she could hear us having it off in his room. When I denied it my mum shouted at me for being a liar as well as a slut. I did go to the library. FML

I agree, your life sucks 85 386

You deserved it 4 250

Silver linings

By Anonymous - 27/05/2022 06:00

Today, during sex with my new boyfriend, he gave me such an intense oral sex orgasm, I clenched my jaw and broke one of my back teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 243

You deserved it 329

By Eskyew - 23/07/2009 21:40 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking on the phone, and things got a little heated. We were in the middle of some kinky dialog, complete with hand action when he suddenly goes silent. While waiting for a response, I heard typing on the other end. He was checking his email. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 796

You deserved it 9 021

Prostate implies an Antistate

By artsmart1 - 06/03/2010 00:40 - United States

Today, I went to go see a specialist for my prostate and was told he would have to do an exam before I could leave. Having had this checked just the previous year, I was more than a little irritated. As I was bent over the table the Dr. said, "Now, just pretend I'm Angelina Jolie." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 433

You deserved it 2 951

By sadness1992 - 06/11/2012 18:07 - United States - San Diego

Today, my girlfriend decided to invite her best friend over for a threesome. This would've been the best day ever, had I not been at work while it was taking place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 170

You deserved it 4 254

By Anonymous - 25/01/2014 01:29 - United States - Petaluma

Today, I'm a 34 year old male who just got given the sex talk on my Facebook timeline by my senile mother. 5ML

I agree, your life sucks 52 600

You deserved it 5 767

Awkward conversation ahead

By Anonymous - 19/12/2021 23:01

Today, for the last two years of trying for a baby, my wife has been secretly still on the pill and takes a morning after pill every time we had sex. Funny, I thought we both wanted a baby, so I guess she doesn’t. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 823

You deserved it 244

By Anonymous - 02/02/2010 15:40 - United States

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend watching a home made sex tape he had previously made with his ex-girlfriend. What's worse than him jerking off to it? He was crying and hugging a pillow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 310

You deserved it 3 120

Nostalgia

By Anonymous - 06/03/2024 19:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I told my husband that I missed how exciting it was when we were dating, so he pretended to sneak into my room through the window, we had sex, then fell asleep. All very exciting. Then the bastard actually snuck out while I was still asleep, and didn’t call me all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 213

You deserved it 685

It's not what you think…

By sucks - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my dog started to hump my leg. He always does this and I heard that humping the dog back asserts dominance. Well, I decided to, and I dry humped him back. As I was doing this I said, "How do you like that?" Then my mom walked in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 941

You deserved it 159 062

So close…

By fuck you, Odin, FUCK YOU - 03/03/2014 22:35 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was finally all set to lose my virginity. My girlfriend pushed me onto the bed and pulled off my underwear. She then made a face as if she'd just sucked on a lemon, and got up and left without a word. I haven't heard from her since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 405

You deserved it 9 644

Obligatory joke about Alabama

By Anonymous - 09/08/2022 10:00

Today, my son has to go live with my brother, because he got his half-sister pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 466

You deserved it 324

You learn something new every day

By Ben - 12/11/2020 19:06 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up with a boner and found out that I have retrograde ejaculation. I'm stuck in jail and can't get medication to fix this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 571

You deserved it 813

Repeat offender

By Anonymous - 09/06/2022 02:00

Today, I was the only family member available to take my grandad to hospital, after he fell on a bottle in the shower and got it stuck up his ass. Again. I swear we need to start monitoring him in the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 255

You deserved it 160

By Anonymous - 19/02/2011 21:29 - United States

Today, I woke up next to my best friend after lots of drinking and the best sex I've ever had in my life. The only problem is we're both straight males. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 132

You deserved it 44 866

Tippi Hedren

By Anonymous - 12/07/2022 06:00 - Australia

Today, my boss noticed some scratches on my shoulder and joked about how I must "like it rough". That's not a problem, we have a friendly working relationship. The problem is that I haven't had sex in nearly three years. The scratches are from my bird's claws. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 180

You deserved it 226

By sharee - 19/12/2015 20:51 - United States - Providence

Today, my father-in-law asked me if I have breast implants in front of the whole family for the third time this month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 334

You deserved it 2 132

By Anonymous - 25/06/2009 23:07 - Canada

Today, I was driving 3 of my guy friends to a party that was half an hour away. There was an awkward silence for most of the trip. I just figured out why now. I've had sex with all 3 of my guy friends. They talk about it when I'm not around. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 294

You deserved it 109 879

By MarieAmber18 - 28/05/2015 18:05 - United States - Pasadena

Today, I found out that the reason why my boyfriend has been denying me sex isn't because he is scared of someone walking in on us. It's because his blow-up doll pleasures him more than I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 986

You deserved it 6 084

By lonerjik - 19/01/2011 12:05 - United States

Today, while I was sleeping I heard my girlfriend moaning. She was seemed to be having a wet dream. She moaned more in her dream than when having sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 320

You deserved it 10 844

FML on Facebook

Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Love Coworkers Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Kids Parenting Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Intimacy Suspicious Sex Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

The Top

Today, it has been eight years since I politely declined a date with a "nice guy." How have I kept track of it this long? He has been stalking and harassing me since then. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 254

You deserved it 359

Today, my house was egged while I went out shopping. When I told my dad about it, he immediately and casually admitted to being the one who did it, asking, "You got a fucking problem with that, son?" I don't know if he's just messing with my head, or if he really did do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 965

You deserved it 3 677

Today, I fell asleep in class. I'm the teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 664

You deserved it 48 086

Today, I was in my car and stopped at a red light. A homeless woman then started to throw rocks at my car for no apparent reason. I drive a convertible. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 688

You deserved it 4 977

Today, I walked in on my wife in bed naked, with a guy I’ve never even heard of. At first she said, “It’s not what it looks like!” I told her I just saw her cheating on me with another man, to which she said, “Oh… it’s exactly what it looks like.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 460

You deserved it 152

Today, my girlfriend texted one of her male friends, saying she's turned off by the thought of sex with me. She suggested a bit of "exercise sex" with him. I'm sure he would have eagerly agreed, if he'd been the one receiving the texts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 094

You deserved it 2 853