Random Spicy FMLs

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Today, I heard water dripping at the back of our house. I went to investigate, only to find a man peeing on our garden gnome. FML

By Wilhelm - Philippines - Makati

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Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. Suddenly, he grabbed my 'lower' lips and moved them in a talking motion, proclaiming that "the talking vagina declares war and wants to conquer the great penis." FML

By thetalkingvagina - Australia

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Today, my girlfriend and I were quite drunk while we were fooling around on the couch, when I decided I wanted to lose my virginity to her. I was two thrusts in when she burst out laughing. Looking down, I realized I was between her cheeks and the couch cushion. I lost my virginity to her couch. FML

By Unknown - United States - Lamoni

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Today, my mother walked in on my boyfriend licking whipped cream off my nipples. FML

By hannah12345 - France

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Today, I found out that the electric nose hair clippers that I've been using for the past two years are in fact my father's pubic hair trimmers. FML

By nickyniknaim93 - United States

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Today, I had to excuse myself from the classroom so I could have a quick wank. This was because I somehow got extremely horny during a lesson on frog reproduction. FML

By polimeros - Mexico - Quer?taro

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Today, I figured out how serious my weight problem really is when my boyfriend had to lift a fat roll before he could enter me. FML

By gemma - United Kingdom - Belfast

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Today, I was told I sound like a seal barking when I orgasm. FML

By sealy - United States

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Today, my 12-year-old sister, who sometimes has difficulty coming up with the right words while speaking, used the word "intercourse" to replace "encounter". She was joking to my dad that she, "had an 'intercourse' with Bob Dylan." I can't get the image out of my head. FML

By Anonymous

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Today, after a surprise candlelit dinner and a two bottles of wine for my birthday, my boyfriend and I decided to take a sexy shower together. It ended with us both drunk, naked, and crying, wedged into a small tub together, talking about our dead pets. FML

By Anonymous - United States - San Diego

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Today, my husband told my mother-in-law that we're trying to have a baby. She decided to call me and explain in extreme detail what positions to try, and when. FML

By crazy mother in law

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Today, it's my birthday. I was excited because of all the wall posts I got on Facebook. Then I saw I got a "Happy Birthday" from the girl my boyfriend cheated on me with. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, I had a substitute teacher for my dance class. I noticed at one point, he took out a camera. The principal came in, everyone was going crazy, and the teacher was dragged out of the classroom. He was taking videos and pictures of us dancing. Turns out he was a registered sex offender. FML

By seriously - Canada

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Today, I was in the change room at the local YMCA. I went to use the hair dryer but couldn't because a naked old man was bent over, butt cheeks spread wide with his hands, and ass aimed at the dryer. He seemed to be enjoying it. FML

By nuberific - Canada

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Today, I came to the realization that I dream more about my vibrator than I do about my boyfriend. FML

By wet dreams - United States - Cartersville

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Today, I was fooling around a bit with my girlfriend while cooking dinner when she said, "Don't get too excited, I want to watch The Princess and the Frog tonight." I just got cockblocked by a Disney movie. FML

By roberto - Brazil

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Today, my husband and I are celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary. It's also the 5th anniversary of the last time he made me orgasm. FML

By ohdear - United Kingdom

Time flies by

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Today, my wife and I decided to try out role playing. She ended up having an anxiety attack when I said she wasn't turning in her homework. FML

By jigglypluff - United States - Omaha

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Today, my girlfriend wanted to roleplay as a schoolgirl. I was excited, until we started and she asked me to lick her "vajayjay". I cringed so hard, my skull practically caved in. I broke down laughing while trying to explain my cringing. Now she's pissed and I'm blue-balled. FML

By Anonymous - Ireland

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Today, I finally had sex with this great guy I've been seeing. I thought I'd found a catch. We get into his room, start kissing, and things heat up. Everything is perfect until he reaches under his bed, pulls out a doughnut and shoves it into my mouth, snarling, "eat it, eat it!" FML

By esb - Canada

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Today, I had to resort to telling my boyfriend that I have a praise kink, just so that he would actually compliment me. FML

By StarvedForAffection - 13/1/2021 17:01 - United States - Midlothian

Good girl

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Today, my hubby and I decided to spice up our sex life and went to an adult toy store. We know too many people in our town, so we drove to one that was 30 mins away. We decided on our items, and went to the check out. Who would have guessed my next door neighbor works there as a cashier? FML

By screwed - United States

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Today, my soon-to-be mother-in-law walked in on me masturbating, in my own house. FML

By Isabell - Australia

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Today, my mom found a condom in my pocket while doing my laundry. Instead of having the subsequent discussion about the birds and the bees my mother simply asked "Who would have sex with you?" FML

By dpl - United States

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Today, I found my daughter's "sex songs" playlist. I was more disappointed by her poor taste in music than the fact that she is already sexually active. FML

By aarong - United States - Tampa

Spotified

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Today, I woke up next to my boss naked. We are both women and she is married. Work should be interesting tomorrow. FML

By Anonymous - United States

Mixing it up

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Today, the new heart medication I take makes it hard for me to get an erection. It also gives me gas. My wife is getting sick of me farting when we're finally able to screw. FML

By Foxy17 - 5/8/2020 05:01

Noisy lover

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Today, I got a call from my husband asking me to bail him out from jail. He was arrested after being caught having sex with a waitress in a restaurant bathroom. FML

By fuck - United States - Hubert

Caught

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Today, I still can't decide whether masturbating while looking at myself makes me narcissistic or just plain pathetic. FML

By Anonymous - United States - South Gate

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Today, my family got into a massive argument about whether or not battery-operated toothbrushes are considered electric toothbrushes. Everyone is in their own room and refuses to talk to each other. FML

By thechaos - United States - Pittsfield

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Today, a man dressed as Santa Claus walked by me, grabbing my butt. He smelled of pipe tobacco and pee. He pulled me close to him and whispered, "I bet you're naughty but you feel so nice." I looked dumbfounded at him as he winked and yelled, "You're on my list." FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, I was about to lose my virginity with my girlfriend of 2 years, when I got an urgent phone call from my 9-year-old sister, telling me I had to come home immediately. My grandma fell off the toilet and got stuck between the bowl and the wall. I'm not making this up. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, as I arrived at my house after a two week holiday, I opened the door and heard footsteps upstairs, I went up and found my boyfriend naked in bed. We had great sex and afterwards I found my best friend naked in the wardrobe. Turns out they'd had great sex also. FML

By Phoellie - United Kingdom

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Today, after having sex with my girlfriend, I jokingly held the condom above my mouth. Somehow, the condom busted, and everything went over my face. Worse still, we're now wondering just how safe this condom really was. FML

By Rob - United States - Neoga

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Today, my boyfriend said we can't have sex with the light on anymore. He said he can never finish because the face I make when I orgasm makes him laugh. FML

By teegtwo - United States

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Today, I was having fun while home alone, until my dog heard my vibrator and tried to attack me. FML

By nofunforme - United States - Candler

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Today, I listened to my best friend describe having sex with her boyfriend in explicit detail. This would have been fine, but her boyfriend is my little brother. FML

By why - United States

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Today, the only thing I got for my birthday was my boyfriend's offer to give me "the gift of anal". FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, a blowjob from my fiancée turned into exchanged oral, which turned into mutual masturbation while watching porn, which then turned into me being kicked out of the room because it was "weird" with me watching. FML

By Anonymous - 19/3/2020 09:03

That escalated badly

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