Random Spicy

By jackie89 - 10/08/2014 19:26 - United Kingdom - Redruth

Today, my husband and I attended a funeral. After the service, my phone vibrated. It was a text from my husband, saying "I've got mourning wood like you wouldn't believe! get it? MOURNING. haha :D" I looked up and saw him across the room, winking at me. Not the place, honey. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 625

You deserved it 7 465

By Thomas - 20/09/2010 07:16 - United States

Today, I was on my way home on an airplane. The guy I had to sit next to was reading a book with naked girls in it. About 15 minutes into the flight, he had an erection and started to giggle. It was a 2 hour flight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 296

You deserved it 3 458

What are you complaining about exactly?

By Rob - 26/04/2022 12:00

Today, almost every girl in my contacts thinks I’m sexually unattractive, and one even said I’m "too nice.” The one girl that is sexually attracted to me only wants me for sex, and wants nothing else to do with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 939

You deserved it 328

Thanks buddy

By jackmehoffa - 03/04/2012 18:10 - United States - Green Bay

Today, I posted on Facebook saying I'm in a new relationship. One of my buddies said, "You're cheating on Jill?" My girlfriend saw this and went completely nuts, not giving me a chance to explain that "Jill" is just a euphemism for your hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 862

You deserved it 5 886

Mixed emotions

By Glen - 26/02/2025 04:30 - India - Ooty

Today, my girlfriend of 5 months walked in on me naked while I was on the toilet. She proceeded to tell me that she wants to watch me taking a dump. I'm both shocked and too hard to do what she told me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 396

You deserved it 158

Level playing field

By Ughhh - 19/08/2025 13:00 - United States

Today, my husband got upset that I'm not willing to explore weird kinks with him. I had a wild phase when I was younger, and he didn't, so he thinks it's unfair that I got to experiment and he didn't. Sorry you don't know what you like, but I'm not your sex toy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 172

You deserved it 674

Fun times

By Anonymous - 16/03/2020 23:01

Today, I left the house to get groceries. My parents asked me where I was going and how long I would be gone for. Thinking they were just being inquisitive parents, I ignored them. I got home 20 minutes later to them having sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 835

You deserved it 2 453

By Hailey - 26/06/2018 06:00

Today, I had to awkwardly explain in a conference with HR, management, and my coworkers that the occasional bruises, cuts, welts, and choke marks are from consensual BDSM sex and NOT domestic violence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 649

You deserved it 3 169

Imagery

By bunnyluver4545 - 11/01/2012 05:42 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend why having sex with him was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty Pringles can. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 611

You deserved it 36 735

By Embarrassed - 04/02/2011 00:28

Today, my boyfriend finally got me to orgasm, for the first time in my life, after trying for months. He started laughing when I climaxed. I asked why. Apparently I look like an Down's Syndrome child when I climax. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 455

You deserved it 6 731

Not funny, man

By ChristinaGee - 30/12/2021 20:00

Today, my husband says he wants to file for divorce because he’s tired of me being a “bossy boots.” Apparently, asking him to stop sending a 17 year-old girl dick pics as a “joke” is too much to ask. My tongue is going to fall out from the many times I've had to explain to him why it’s inappropriate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 769

You deserved it 413

Duped

By Ennui - 20/02/2010 19:12 - United States

Today, after being dumped just 48 hours prior, I awoke from a night of passionate lovemaking with my ex. Last night, he came to my house, romanced me, and presented a possible future. This morning, when I got up to use the restroom, my laptop, money, and ex-boyfriend were gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 463

You deserved it 10 346

Unionize!

By Anonymous - 11/03/2025 19:00

Today, I found out my wife has been sleeping with one of my employees. Now, I can divorce her no problem, but turns out I can’t fire him for personal reasons because he’s in the union. That means I have to work every day with a man who has been inside the woman I shared marriage vows with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 562

You deserved it 121

This doesn't feel nice

By Deadbed - 04/05/2019 16:00

Today, I had sex with my wife. After we finished and were cuddling, she said, "This is the part I like." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 875

You deserved it 684

Vicariously

By Cate - 05/11/2009 10:25 - Australia

Today, I've had no sleep. Why? Because my housemate has a new girlfriend and the walls are too thin. After round three of them shagging, I was exhausted from holding my breath each time the new girlfriend screamed. I also realised that was the closest I'd been to sex in months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 601

You deserved it 3 415

Erm… what?

By UrbanCass - 25/06/2009 23:44 - United States

Today, I finally had sex with a girl I've been dating for over a month. Before we got started she told me not to worry about the birth control, because she could handle that. So after we finished I asked her what kind of birth control she used. She said she meditated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 496

You deserved it 77 032

By Ackno - 06/05/2017 16:00

Today, I was having sex with my husband when the pores on his forehead triggered my trypophobia. We had to stop before I had a panic attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 112

You deserved it 1 780

By Anonymous - 04/01/2014 06:10 - United States - Rochester

Today, I lost my virginity. We did it on the floor in my step-sister's room, and the entire time he kept pushing my head into the carpet. I lost my V-card but gained rug burn on my face that looks like a fatal disease. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 628

You deserved it 23 113

By Fml - 12/04/2013 05:05 - United States - Lynn

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex; I know that some women are great multitaskers, but I'm guessing it was a bad sign when she started to go over the shopping list. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 234

You deserved it 14 632

By Mrs. Ned - 09/09/2015 02:00 - United States - Incline Village

Today, I walked in on my husband having sex with the shower wall. When I got in the shower with him he immediately went soft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 973

You deserved it 3 106

Labor laws are a joke

By Anonymous - 17/08/2023 00:00

Today, I asked a girl at work out, who'd claimed she was single. Not ten minutes later, our boss fired me. Turns out that girl is actually his side chick he cheats on his wife with, even though she’s 19 and he’s 48. Not illegal, just scummy as hell, and he fired me out of jealousy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 854

You deserved it 123

Technique

By jlowder2 - 11/12/2009 02:22 - United States

Today, my wife and I were getting intimate. I wanted to make it last longer, so I tried thinking of something else. Suddenly she says, "What are you thinking?" I reply, "Dead puppies." This apparently turned her off more than it did me, because she got out of the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 218

You deserved it 31 219

By (not) fucked - 16/05/2014 16:01 - United States - Kingsville

Today, my girlfriend decided that we won't be having any more sex until I beat her ridiculously high score on Flappy Bird. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 793

You deserved it 8 271

Meat market

By Secret size queen? - 10/08/2024 07:00 - United States

Today, I realized my relationship is broken. Two weeks ago, I got a dick pic from a random number. It was three times my fiancee's size. Ever since then, I haven't been able to feel any sort of physical attraction towards him. I love him, or at least I thought I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 110

You deserved it 807

No thanks

By Pinsky - 13/10/2021 22:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, I found out from my best friend’s text log that my friend group has been discussing doing swinger stuff, and they deliberately excluded my wife and I. When pressed, my former best friend said no one wanted to see us naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 374

You deserved it 703

Timing

By Anonymous - 18/03/2017 07:00 - United States - Westerville

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a blowjob. All of a sudden, she stopped and said, "What's that thing at the back of your throat called?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 652

You deserved it 1 211

Nice to see you too

By Anonymous - 19/03/2011 15:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on Facebook, looking at pictures from a party I went to. In most of them, I was sitting on the sofa, my shorts bunched to the side, with half my vajayjay on show. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 869

You deserved it 67 421

You must be kidding me

By SingleAndHomeless - 22/05/2022 18:00

Today, I came home early from work. My boyfriend and I live together. I open the door and I found my best friend watching TV on the couch, wearing lingerie. The room smelled like sex. She acted irrational and defensive, and had the audacity to ask what I was doing here. Bitch, I live here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 898

You deserved it 150

Sing me to sleep…

By anonymous - 25/09/2020 20:01

Today, my best friend informed me that he had lost his virginity to my sister, which I already knew. However, he told me the location. My room. While I was asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 563

You deserved it 157

Perfect?

By NeverGonnaGetAny - 23/02/2009 19:28 - United States

Today, I was discussing sex with my guy friends in their dorm when I asked one of them what he would do if I got naked and crawled into his bed. He replied, "Nothing. You're one of the guys now." They all agreed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 808

You deserved it 24 065

FML on Facebook

Keywords

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The Top

Today, my boyfriend came home and said he'd been fired from his minimum wage cashier job. He added that since I make enough to cover the bills, he wants to take a break from "working and shit." I stared at him, mouth agape, and he thought I was offering him a blowjob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 546

You deserved it 136

Today, I was having a chuckle at the girl who used to torment me since she’s on her fourth marriage. Then I realized she’s gotten four handsome, rich men to marry her, while I’m still hopelessly single and haven’t had a boyfriend since high school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 970

You deserved it 377

Today, I was trying to work out, and couldn't even complete an exercise regime meant for 50-year-olds. I'm 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 919

You deserved it 8 293

Today, I was at a restaurant with my son when he started to choke on his food. Panicked, I grabbed the closest drink I could reach and made him gulp it down. Only when I received tons of dirty looks from people at other tables did I realize I had given him beer. My son is 8. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 313

You deserved it 13 164

Today, I went on a coffee date. My date blew his nose on a discarded napkin, smoked half of my cigarettes despite "giving up", chewed tobacco at the table and casually invited a friend to join us. His friend spat out his tobacco and poured cough syrup into his coffee. I'll pass on a second date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 950

You deserved it 429

Today, my newborn son is only four days-old. My in-laws have been over five times already. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 803

You deserved it 285