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By Anonymous - 4/10/2020 14:01

Bye bye love

  Today, according to my emotionally distant boyfriend, stopping by a whorehouse on his way home several nights a week for a quick blowjob isn’t cheating, because it involves cash and no intimacy afterwards. Dumped his ass real quick. FML
I agree, your life sucks
1654
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155
9 Comments
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By Wilhelm - Philippines - Makati
  Today, I heard water dripping at the back of our house. I went to investigate, only to find a man peeing on our garden gnome. FML
I agree, your life sucks
15787
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1481
32 Comments
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By thetalkingvagina - Australia
  Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. Suddenly, he grabbed my 'lower' lips and moved them in a talking motion, proclaiming that "the talking vagina declares war and wants to conquer the great penis." FML
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54675
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387 Comments
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By Unknown - United States - Lamoni
  Today, my girlfriend and I were quite drunk while we were fooling around on the couch, when I decided I wanted to lose my virginity to her. I was two thrusts in when she burst out laughing. Looking down, I realized I was between her cheeks and the couch cushion. I lost my virginity to her couch. FML
I agree, your life sucks
59445
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21258
95 Comments
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By hannah12345 - France
  Today, my mother walked in on my boyfriend licking whipped cream off my nipples. FML
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15742
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31692
463 Comments
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By nickyniknaim93 - United States
  Today, I found out that the electric nose hair clippers that I've been using for the past two years are in fact my father's pubic hair trimmers. FML
I agree, your life sucks
64567
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16911
40 Comments
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By polimeros - Mexico - Quer?taro
  Today, I had to excuse myself from the classroom so I could have a quick wank. This was because I somehow got extremely horny during a lesson on frog reproduction. FML
I agree, your life sucks
13563
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41636
316 Comments
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By gemma - United Kingdom - Belfast
  Today, I figured out how serious my weight problem really is when my boyfriend had to lift a fat roll before he could enter me. FML
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15752
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59192
268 Comments
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By sealy - United States
  Today, I was told I sound like a seal barking when I orgasm. FML
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31943
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7834
116 Comments
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By Anonymous
  Today, my 12-year-old sister, who sometimes has difficulty coming up with the right words while speaking, used the word "intercourse" to replace "encounter". She was joking to my dad that she, "had an 'intercourse' with Bob Dylan." I can't get the image out of my head. FML
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13785
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1309
21 Comments
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By Anonymous - United States - San Diego
  Today, after a surprise candlelit dinner and a two bottles of wine for my birthday, my boyfriend and I decided to take a sexy shower together. It ended with us both drunk, naked, and crying, wedged into a small tub together, talking about our dead pets. FML
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214 Comments
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By crazy mother in law
  Today, my husband told my mother-in-law that we're trying to have a baby. She decided to call me and explain in extreme detail what positions to try, and when. FML
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45961
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99 Comments
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By Anonymous - United States
  Today, it's my birthday. I was excited because of all the wall posts I got on Facebook. Then I saw I got a "Happy Birthday" from the girl my boyfriend cheated on me with. FML
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36795
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94 Comments
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By seriously - Canada
  Today, I had a substitute teacher for my dance class. I noticed at one point, he took out a camera. The principal came in, everyone was going crazy, and the teacher was dragged out of the classroom. He was taking videos and pictures of us dancing. Turns out he was a registered sex offender. FML
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111412
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5325
199 Comments
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By nuberific - Canada
  Today, I was in the change room at the local YMCA. I went to use the hair dryer but couldn't because a naked old man was bent over, butt cheeks spread wide with his hands, and ass aimed at the dryer. He seemed to be enjoying it. FML
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58196
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3478
91 Comments
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By wet dreams - United States - Cartersville
  Today, I came to the realization that I dream more about my vibrator than I do about my boyfriend. FML
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21880
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47 Comments
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By roberto - Brazil
  Today, I was fooling around a bit with my girlfriend while cooking dinner when she said, "Don't get too excited, I want to watch The Princess and the Frog tonight." I just got cockblocked by a Disney movie. FML
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38621
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138 Comments
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By ohdear - United Kingdom

Time flies by

  Today, my husband and I are celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary. It's also the 5th anniversary of the last time he made me orgasm. FML
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37690
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7357
115 Comments
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By jigglypluff - United States - Omaha
  Today, my wife and I decided to try out role playing. She ended up having an anxiety attack when I said she wasn't turning in her homework. FML
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42099
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4906
67 Comments
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By Anonymous - Ireland
  Today, my girlfriend wanted to roleplay as a schoolgirl. I was excited, until we started and she asked me to lick her "vajayjay". I cringed so hard, my skull practically caved in. I broke down laughing while trying to explain my cringing. Now she's pissed and I'm blue-balled. FML
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35814
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11626
94 Comments
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By esb - Canada
  Today, I finally had sex with this great guy I've been seeing. I thought I'd found a catch. We get into his room, start kissing, and things heat up. Everything is perfect until he reaches under his bed, pulls out a doughnut and shoves it into my mouth, snarling, "eat it, eat it!" FML
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74639
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8293
297 Comments
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By StarvedForAffection - 13/1/2021 17:01 - United States - Midlothian

Good girl

  Today, I had to resort to telling my boyfriend that I have a praise kink, just so that he would actually compliment me. FML
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819
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216
3 Comments
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By screwed - United States
  Today, my hubby and I decided to spice up our sex life and went to an adult toy store. We know too many people in our town, so we drove to one that was 30 mins away. We decided on our items, and went to the check out. Who would have guessed my next door neighbor works there as a cashier? FML
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36539
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5409
198 Comments
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By Isabell - Australia
  Today, my soon-to-be mother-in-law walked in on me masturbating, in my own house. FML
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23591
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5826
123 Comments
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By dpl - United States
  Today, my mom found a condom in my pocket while doing my laundry. Instead of having the subsequent discussion about the birds and the bees my mother simply asked "Who would have sex with you?" FML
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55393
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5598
38 Comments
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By aarong - United States - Tampa

Spotified

  Today, I found my daughter's "sex songs" playlist. I was more disappointed by her poor taste in music than the fact that she is already sexually active. FML
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46380
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7941
86 Comments
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By Anonymous - United States

Mixing it up

  Today, I woke up next to my boss naked. We are both women and she is married. Work should be interesting tomorrow. FML
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23758
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48686
132 Comments
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By Foxy17 - 5/8/2020 05:01

Noisy lover

  Today, the new heart medication I take makes it hard for me to get an erection. It also gives me gas. My wife is getting sick of me farting when we're finally able to screw. FML
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1565
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128
9 Comments
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By fuck - United States - Hubert

Caught

  Today, I got a call from my husband asking me to bail him out from jail. He was arrested after being caught having sex with a waitress in a restaurant bathroom. FML
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70214
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5244
183 Comments
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By Anonymous - United States - South Gate
  Today, I still can't decide whether masturbating while looking at myself makes me narcissistic or just plain pathetic. FML
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10615
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233 Comments
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By thechaos - United States - Pittsfield
  Today, my family got into a massive argument about whether or not battery-operated toothbrushes are considered electric toothbrushes. Everyone is in their own room and refuses to talk to each other. FML
I agree, your life sucks
36498
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4213
82 Comments
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By Anonymous - United States
  Today, a man dressed as Santa Claus walked by me, grabbing my butt. He smelled of pipe tobacco and pee. He pulled me close to him and whispered, "I bet you're naughty but you feel so nice." I looked dumbfounded at him as he winked and yelled, "You're on my list." FML
I agree, your life sucks
43421
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4296
141 Comments
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By Anonymous - United States
  Today, I was about to lose my virginity with my girlfriend of 2 years, when I got an urgent phone call from my 9-year-old sister, telling me I had to come home immediately. My grandma fell off the toilet and got stuck between the bowl and the wall. I'm not making this up. FML
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305966
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360 Comments
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By Phoellie - United Kingdom
  Today, as I arrived at my house after a two week holiday, I opened the door and heard footsteps upstairs, I went up and found my boyfriend naked in bed. We had great sex and afterwards I found my best friend naked in the wardrobe. Turns out they'd had great sex also. FML
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67833
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5177
136 Comments
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By Rob - United States - Neoga
  Today, after having sex with my girlfriend, I jokingly held the condom above my mouth. Somehow, the condom busted, and everything went over my face. Worse still, we're now wondering just how safe this condom really was. FML
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16705
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42398
216 Comments
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By teegtwo - United States
  Today, my boyfriend said we can't have sex with the light on anymore. He said he can never finish because the face I make when I orgasm makes him laugh. FML
I agree, your life sucks
44840
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26944
135 Comments
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By nofunforme - United States - Candler
  Today, I was having fun while home alone, until my dog heard my vibrator and tried to attack me. FML
I agree, your life sucks
1805
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406
5 Comments
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By why - United States
  Today, I listened to my best friend describe having sex with her boyfriend in explicit detail. This would have been fine, but her boyfriend is my little brother. FML
I agree, your life sucks
57359
You deserved it
5481
66 Comments
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By Anonymous - United States
  Today, the only thing I got for my birthday was my boyfriend's offer to give me "the gift of anal". FML
I agree, your life sucks
44425
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5487
101 Comments
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By Anonymous - 19/3/2020 09:03

That escalated badly

  Today, a blowjob from my fiancée turned into exchanged oral, which turned into mutual masturbation while watching porn, which then turned into me being kicked out of the room because it was "weird" with me watching. FML
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2237
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307
9 Comments
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Next
Nearly  
Today, I went in to get a shot for a migraine to find out I'm 17 weeks pregnant... I am almost 40 and my tubes are tied. FML
I agree, your life sucks
39
You deserved it
3
0 Comments
Today, my girlfriend went mad at me after watching the Captain America Civil War movie. Why? I chose Iron Man's side and she chose Captain America's side....
I agree, your life sucks
7
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2
1 Comments
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  Spicy
  Today, my dad asked my mom to flash him. He didn't forget I was in the room, he just couldn't be bothered to wait. My mom obliged. FML
I agree, your life sucks
26
You deserved it
4
0 Comments
  Today, like every other day for the past two weeks, my husband was not in the mood for sex. He told me this while masturbating. FML
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446
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56
5 Comments
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