FML : Your everyday life stories

It’s right there in the name: “Nearly FMLs”. These are FMLs, but not quite. They’re nearly FMLs. Here you’ll find the FMLs that were voted for positively by our users and that are waiting to be validated (or not) by the FML team, along with those that we rejected for being too similar to previous FMLs or not funny enough to our discerning tastebuds.

Today, I ordered a sandwich and asked for no onions. When I got home, the sandwich in fact had onions on it. Also a pubic hair. FML

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By Wasfinewithonions - / Sunday 17 September 2017 04:16 /

Today, I came across my wife's secret diary and couldn't resist a little peek and now an hour later I know that she hasn't rated my lovemaking above a 3/10 for almost a year, but our 19 year old neighbour Jeremy has been scoring at least 8/10 twice a week for the past 5 months. FML

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By Anonymous / Sunday 17 September 2017 02:01 /

Today I was at work and I had to go change my tampon in the bathroom. At my office, they have an intercom system. Right after I put my tampon in the toilet, the intercom went off and announced that the water was shut off, so I had to pull the tampon out and I couldn't even wash my hands. FML

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By redhanded - / Sunday 17 September 2017 01:43 /

Today I had a party at my house. My house is pretty old, so nails stick out of the floor sometimes. I was texting and my phone slipped out of my hand, landing directly on a nail. The screen shattered in every direction, and the party pretty much ended. FML.

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By Edgyboy42 - / Sunday 17 September 2017 00:36 /

Today, I have the flu. Last night I had to drag my sorry carcass to the vet with my sick dog. I sat in the waiting room with a fever for 4 hours only to be told she was fine and and asked if I had let her eat marijuana because she "seemed high", then charged $270. FML

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By dedgvrl / Sunday 17 September 2017 00:30 /

Today I was pogo sticking in my friends garage. I attempted no hands which worked for one bounce. Then one the the spring was loaded again I lost my balance shooting the pogo stick into my friends dad's vintage car making a huge dent... FML

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By Z0X - / Sunday 17 September 2017 09:51 / New Zealand - Auckland

Today we took a trip to the Outer Banks in North Carolina. About half way there we got stuck in horrible traffick, which resulted in a lady flipping us off. She ended up pulling into the parking lot of our hotel. She had the room next to us. FML

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By Hannah - / Saturday 16 September 2017 23:26 /

Today I found out that the mysterious rash on my 6 month old baby is scabies... where did she get it? My mother-in-law who has known she has had it for months but is convinced it isn't contagious FML.

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By REAlly - / Saturday 16 September 2017 15:54 / United States - Bartlesville

Today, There was a little bush bunny hiding in the tall grass of my yard. I couldn't see it and accidentally ran it over with a riding lawn mower. I've been crying for hours, and I can't bring myself to go back out and finish the lawn. FML

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By sadkermit / Saturday 16 September 2017 13:42 / Canada - Edmonton

My mother in law moved in with us on my birthday from out of state. She told me she has not filed her taxes for 4 years so she going to stay with us till she can buy a house. FML

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By - / Saturday 16 September 2017 21:37 /

Today I spent $730 to get my tires, oil, and brakes done. On the way to Sarasota, my engine dies. Throttle Actuator is stuck. Cost to fix, $900. FML.

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By / Saturday 16 September 2017 20:22 /

Today while I was showering with my boyfriend of 3 years I watched him wash his head with his head and shoulders shampoo and then proceed to wash his shoulders with the shampoo.Because the bottle says head and shoulders he thought he had to wash his shoulders separately. FML

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By idontunderstandmybf - / Saturday 16 September 2017 14:04 / United States - Portsmouth

So my boss is very unprofessional and very rude and always calling yelling about something. Me being upset vented a friend last night and the next morning i get a text from my boss saying I need to talk to you.. My friend had told my boss everything I said and now I'm probably gonna be fired.. Fml

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You deserved it

By Maggie - / Saturday 16 September 2017 18:47 /

Today, I was holding my pug in the air with my legs playing "airplane" with him. Right as I tried to mimic his huge, open-mouthed grin, he got so excited that he threw up... Into my mouth. FML

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You deserved it

By PugPuke - / Saturday 16 September 2017 11:04 / United States - Chesapeake

Today I receive a text saying "hey handsome, I can't come up with a reason to ditch my BF now, send be back one ASAP! xoxo!!!". Yes it's from my girlfriend.

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By looserboyfriend / Saturday 16 September 2017 16:40 /

After a very hectic week of work i went to the gym at 8 in the evening on Saturday. Then i suddenly remembered that the gym closes at 8 on weekends and that i left my keys to my house inside. i live alone.. FML

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You deserved it

By / Saturday 16 September 2017 14:22 /

I was at a stag do recently celebrating with my boss who was going to be married soon. The very next day he called me in to let me go from my job.

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You deserved it

By "Michael Evans" / Saturday 16 September 2017 12:16 /

Today, I'm in the middle of a week-long anniversary road trip with my boyfriend. After doing all the planning and major purchases alone, he can't be bothered to do anything besides take a nap on the actual day. FML.

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You deserved it

By HotelTrapped - / Friday 15 September 2017 23:59 / United States - San Jose

Today I was home alone with my bf he was all over me and I wasn't in the mood but he didn't seem to understand no. So I pushed him away and said "how would you feel if we had a daughter and her boyfriend did that to her?" His response was "but you don't have a dad" ...my dad died 13 years ago. FML

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You deserved it

By Anonymous / Saturday 16 September 2017 07:18 / United Kingdom - London

Today, my mother beamingly asked for my opinion on her wedding dress. She is engaged to her cousin. Conveniently, they already have the same last name. FML

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By HereWeGoAgain - / Saturday 16 September 2017 07:49 /

Today, I came home from my honeymoon with my husband. Since I hadn't switched my mailing address, I went to my parents house to pick up any mail for me. Today is also the day I found out I was denied to 5 out of 5 masters programs I applied to. FML

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You deserved it

By no masters for a year - / Saturday 16 September 2017 07:11 /

Today, I finally received the $3000 art tablet I needed for school. As nice as that may seem, it still looks like all of my assignments and projects will have to wait a little longer. The tablet was so defective that I had to mail it back for a replacement which will take another 2 weeks. FML

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You deserved it

By "HappyItalian" / Saturday 16 September 2017 05:50 /

Today, I was doing a review before a test my class was about to take. As soon as they were taking the test, I started watching porn with my headphones on my laptop. I did not know that my computer was still connected to the projector screen I used for reviewing. They saw it. There goes my job. FML

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You deserved it

By nigga / Saturday 16 September 2017 05:21 /

Today, I got so drunk, that when i woke up my husband tells me i used a nightstand as a toilet. I checked. He was right. FML

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You deserved it

By dammmmgurl / Saturday 16 September 2017 01:43 /

Today, I saw a creepy guy grab a woman's ass on the bus so I caught his arm and put him in an arm lock, only for the woman to hit me in the head with her handbag. Turns out they were a married couple on their way home to have sex who couldn't resist a quick grope during the journey. FML

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You deserved it

By Anonymous / Saturday 16 September 2017 01:30 /

Today, I went down to the farmers market to get the best ingredients for my dinner date. I cooked a 3 course meal by candlelight, and got stood up. So I ate and went down to the bar close to home to find my date hooking up with some guy for getting her a pie. I am a qualified chef. FML.

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You deserved it

By / Saturday 16 September 2017 00:35 / South Africa

Today, I noticed a "Water contaminated" sign above the water fountain at the hospital. I asked a nearby nurse how long it's been that way. She said it's been unsafe to drink since the 80s and is filled with infectious bacteria now. I'd been drinking that water nearly every day for the past year. FML

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You deserved it

By Flesheatingbacteria - / Friday 15 September 2017 15:39 / Canada - Halifax

Today, my promotion at work was finalized. Said promotion was offered to me one year ago and announced to the company six months ago. It's for significantly less money and responsibility than initially agreed upon, FML.

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By / Friday 15 September 2017 19:39 /

Today, I found out my girlfriend has a yeast infection. I had just started to go down on her. FML.

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You deserved it

By NotBakingACake - / Friday 15 September 2017 12:05 / Trinidad and Tobago - Maraval

Today, my husband bought a luxury soap that smells like lemons. Now every time I wash my private parts in the shower, it smells like a special at Red Lobster. FML

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You deserved it

By Crabcake - / Friday 15 September 2017 10:00 / United States - Brooklyn

Happy birthday !

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FML

FML: Uncensored

Today, I was enjoying my last day of Spring Break in Panama City. I got up to dance on the stage at the Holiday Inn in front of hundreds of college kids....

2

FML: Uncensored

Today, my girlfriend was giving me head during the horror flick we were watching. Little did I know, my girlfriend isn't a big fan of horror films. It...

3

FML: Uncensored

Today, while spending the night at a friend's house, I was woken up by someone kicking me. I figured she was having a nightmare, and since we were sharing...

4

FML Uncensored

Today, I surprisingly found two empty seats on the subway. Before anyone could get to them, I rushed and triumphantly sat down, enjoying my victory, until...

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Today, I ordered a sandwich and asked for no onions. When I got home, the sandwich in fact had onions on it. Also a pubic hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

Today, I came across my wife's secret diary and couldn't resist a little peek and now an hour later I know that she hasn't rated my lovemaking above a...

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

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Today, I've spent hours looking at photos of my husband and his ex-girlfriends that his mother keeps in a photo album. She doesn't have any pictures of...

Today, I realized that all my teammates have bigger tits than I do. I'm the only girl on the team. FML

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Today, while fingering my girlfriend in the dark, I tried to be sexy and licked my fingers. After we turned the lights back on, we realized that her period...

I agree, your life sucks

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Today, my girlfriend was sick for the fourth day in a row. I stopped by her house to check on her and bring some necessities, only to find her ex's truck...

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You deserved it

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