The best jokes about life

Today, I took a nice big smelly shit. When I tried to flush, nothing happened. No one bothered to tell me the water was out. I live in a house with 5 other people. FML

By leah - 4/5/2021 10:58

Today, I was eating an oatmeal cream pie. I offered one to my crush, saying, "Do you want a cream pie?" Her look of horror made me realize exactly what I'd said. FML

By Facepalm - 3/5/2021 02:08 - United States - Midlothian

Today, I was punished for leaving the front door unlocked overnight. This was after I checked it no fewer than seven times to make sure it was locked. FML

By cyclopo - 3/5/2021 05:02

Today, I realized that the last two women I've tried to date have rejected me because they were both more interested in domestic abusers. I can't imagine how to rebound from THAT. FML

By Anonymous - 2/5/2021 05:31

Today I realized my brain isn’t the only part of me that is forgetful and a liar. Or what would you call it when your bowels claim that the double dose of laxative you took last night never happened? FML

By Anonymous - 1/5/2021 18:41 - Germany - Emden

Today, buying books is more expensive than buying six-packs of beer. FML

By Money - 30/4/2021 20:01

Today, my mother has a knack at repeating that "I'm a fat, filthy pig" right in my face. I'm 25, I weigh 137 lbs and my height is 5'9". FML

By Filthy pig - 30/4/2021 19:59

Today, I realized I’m just so miserable and unhappy at this waste of time job... I get minimum wage that barely pays any bills, and continuously treated like shit here. FML

By BellaBabii32 - 27/4/2021 21:44

Today, it’s been almost a years since I started to read FML and still don’t know what OP means. FML

By leogs23 - 27/4/2021 12:21

Today, my boyfriend likes a page on Facebook that says “I love redheads” and constantly likes their pictures and comments how “beautiful” and “sexy” they are. I’m a brunette and my boyfriend rarely comments on my pictures. FML

By NotRedhead - 26/4/2021 20:24

Today, I went on a lunch date with this girl I like. While we were ordering she commented she had celiac disease, also known as gluten intolerance. To impress her, I commented that I had celiac disease too. I ordered a beer with my meal and she said “I thought you had celiac disease?” FML

By Anonymous - 26/4/2021 02:54

105

Today, it's my birthday and I'm spending it right now at my nephew's funeral. He was killed at age 6 by a drunk driver while crossing the street with his mom. I'm so broken, I don't even feel like celebrating any more birthdays of mine. FML

By Anonymous - 25/4/2021 20:07

Today, my mother keeps on saying that I'm a filthy pig. I weigh 63 kg and my height is 1.75m. FML

By Bodyshamed. - 25/4/2021 18:58

Today, I have an extremely shy bladder, and my stepmom stays in her bedroom all day, within earshot of the only bathroom. She absolutely refuses to close her door, and she even told me “You’re just going to have to learn to go to the bathroom with others.” FML

By miia - 23/4/2021 06:35

Today, my mom picked me up from school and told me to carry in the groceries when we got home. In the two minutes it took to get home, I had already forgotten and my mom was PISSED. She said there’s no way my memory is that bad at 15. I regularly forget things in much less time. FML

By aerith - 23/4/2021 02:17

Today, while cashiering at Walmart, a creepy guy came in buying jumper cables, a car battery, WD-40, a Fisher-Price play guitar, laxatives, and one of each flavor of yogurt. Curious about the interesting combination of items, I asked what he was up to. He simply said “Necromancy” and then left. FML

By annie - 23/4/2021 02:13

Today, while my daughter was doing an English worksheet in which she had to correct the grammatical and spelling errors in a passage, she changed every plural instance of the word “deer” to “deers.” What is wrong with her? FML

By unimpressed - 23/4/2021 01:50

Today, my wife finally gave birth to our first child after three unsuccessful years of trying to become parents ourselves. My parents, who both died of Covid-19, will never meet their grandson as they wished. FML

By Anonymous - 22/4/2021 22:38

Today, I woke up after barely sleeping cuz my nose was stuffy, did a lot of homework, and felt drained afterward, so I decided to take a nap. Woke up to a call from the health department and apparently, my negative test is now positive. This was in part to my father who refused to quarantine. FML

By CAN I CATCH A FUCKING BREAK - 22/4/2021 01:52

Today, it's my birthday. We had to put the family dog down. Love you, Halle. FML

By LoveyouHalle - 21/4/2021 23:28 - United Kingdom - Burnley

Today my friend has given up eating pretty much anything but salad because he doesn’t have health insurance and wants to save on medical bills. If I were you, buddy, I might have given up smoking instead, but hey, that’s just me. FML

By Anonymous - 21/4/2021 14:39 - Germany - Ebersbach

Today I recently dumped a girl, for a stupid reason, who would happily swallow my rod all the way down to my balls, whereas my new girlfriend, despite being a lovely girl, sucks just the head, complains about it, and never for longer than 30 seconds. I know I’m petty but FML

By Anonymous - 21/4/2021 08:11

Today, I got my second Moderna Vaccine. Super happy I got it, but I feel like death.. FML

By Fatjesus - 20/4/2021 08:04

Today, I turned 26 during a global pandemic. So here I am insurance less since I was laid off in January due to downsizing. FML

By Anonymous - 20/4/2021 01:57 - United States - Bronx

Today, I'm about to go to sleep in my car because my sister and her boyfriend had sex in the living room. They both came home shitfaced while I was at the PS4, I was kicked out when they started to make out and my sister crashed into my car for trying to park hers. I can actually hear their moaning. FML

By Anonymous - 19/4/2021 21:05

Today, I saw my crush active on Instagram. He happens to be part of a charity club at school so I decided to go live and give a homeless person money to impress him. The homeless guy told me “If you’re doing this shit for likes, keep your money.” At least 20 people saw. Including my crush. FML

By Anonymous - 19/4/2021 02:17

Today, I ruined a 5 year no self harm run after me and my mother got into an argument. I’m 24 and still hate her for calling me disgusting and disgraceful after she saw my scars when I was 16. She doesn’t know how much that affected me. FML

By Anonymous - 18/4/2021 20:08 - Australia - Dural

Today a judge in my country decided that it’s okay to force people to get a COVID-test, even if they’re not sick. Meanwhile, another judge decided that it’s very much illegal for anyone to force HIM to get a COVID-test, because they are dangerous and he could get hurt. FML

By Anonymous - 17/4/2021 19:51 - Germany - Norden

Today I got stabbed in the underbelly for laughing at something innocent. Who stabbed me? My period. FML

By Anonymous - 17/4/2021 19:45 - Germany - Norden