Miscellaneous, the best funniest jokes

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Today, I ordered and paid for a compost bin to be emptied in addition to the garbage. Turns out most of what I wanted to put in there – although perfectly compostable – is not allowed in the bin. FML

By Anonymous - 7/5/2021 00:01

Recycle this!

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100

Today, my boyfriend said we needed to talk. He called me cruel, cold and heartless and that it’s making him reconsider what kind of future we may have together. All because I hate sappy movies and don’t cry on the scenes where the dogs die. FML

By confused - 30/4/2021 05:01 - United States

Mr. Robot

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213

Today, I've been receiving a lot of calls from my telephone company, offering combo packages with internet, Netflix, Disney+ and whatever the fuck. We had previously resigned from their services, because the company never had the intention of fixing an outage that was caused BY THE SAME COMPANY. FML

By J.. - 27/4/2021 17:01

Leave us alone!

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Today, I learned that "unskilled labor" does not mean people who are bad at their jobs. I’m 22. FML

By billy - 27/4/2021 08:01

Useful information of the day

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846

Today, I planned a busy day of errands: cycle 16 km, pick up a thing I bought online, go to the gas station, pharmacy and 3 different shops. I’m totally exhausted now. Maybe tomorrow I’ll find the energy to actually do all those things. FML

By Anonymous - 23/4/2021 17:01 - Germany

Procrastination

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Today, at the age of 22, I found out that Wednesday has another D in it. Literally no one ever corrected me. FML

By MK. - 21/4/2021 02:00

It's all about that D

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Today, I've been binge-watching a certain Twitch/YouTube streamer. I love his political insights, but I've noticed he keeps saying, "On accident." It grinds my gears so much, I had to go outside and listen to birds chirping instead. FML

By Anonymous - 20/4/2021 21:30

Maybe it's by accident?

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Today, I caught my dad smoking the weed he grounded me for having. FML

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

What day is it?

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Today, while watching a news clip about NASA's Mars helicopter, Ingenuity, my wife asked me if Mars has a sun. She was serious. FML

By Anonymous - 14/4/2021 15:30 - United States - Toledo

Sunshine of my life

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Today, at the age of 21, I learned that the phrase, “A stitch in time saves nine” is not about traveling back in time and saving nine people. FML

By llamaborn - 5/4/2021 14:00

Dr Who

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Today, I realized I could say nothing in my home without being interrupted, talked over, or the subject derailed into a 30 minutes monologue by my housemates. And they wonder why I'm so quiet all the time… FML

By Anonymous - 27/3/2021 20:59 - United States - Pittsburgh

Our house, in the middle of our street

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Today, my grandma and her neighbor compared their sports bras in front of me. FML

By Anonymous - 25/3/2021 20:01

Stuck

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Today, I was in the Walmart parking lot listening to some music in my car and some lady comes up to me and say, “Boy, the music you listen to is so unholy, I think you need some Jesus in your life.” FML

By Anonymous - 21/3/2021 20:01

Evil always wins

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Today, a girl told me, "You're so cute, like a monkey." I seriously don't know if it's a compliment or if I'm being insulted. FML

By naas1201 - 3/3/2021 02:01

What? Why? How?

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Today, I learned I will hand my daughter off to a complete stranger in order to provide help during an emergency situation. I don't know whether I feel proud to be someone who steps up in the moment, or mortified and ashamed that I gave my kid to a bystander so easily. FML

By Anonymous - 2/3/2021 14:01

Be the hero

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Today, I finally left a one-star review for my doctor’s office. I mentioned my doctor was epic, but called them out on their poor billing practices. I got a call saying my awesome doctor actually owns the clinic. My next appointment is going to be so awkward. FML

By Anonymous - 24/2/2021 05:01 - United States

Everyone's a critic

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Today, my parents went on vacation and told me that it is "absolutely imperative" that I do the dishes while they are gone. Instead, the sink decided to break and nothing will fix it, so I'm currently writing out my will. FML

By nima - 23/2/2021 02:01

Death wish

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Today, I was running water for a relaxing bath. There have been some problems with the town's water for a while now, so I was pleased when the water looked so clear. Right as I thought that, however, the water instantly changed from crystal clear to shit brown. FML

By Kerry - 22/2/2021 20:01 - Canada

Bathtime

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Today, my mom, not gifted for household chores, proudly announced that she cleaned the toilet. As it turns out, what she'd primarily cleaned was the deodorizer inside the toilet. Then she tried for the stains inside the bowl, unsuccessfully, then she gave up. But yeah, great job. FML

By Anonymous - 20/2/2021 00:30 - Germany

You tried!

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Today, my ex started our conversation with, "How are you?" I asked whether this was just a way of greeting me, or if he genuinely wanted to know. He affirmed that he really wanted to know, then proceeded to talk about his work for the next two hours. FML

By Anonymous - 18/2/2021 23:01 - Germany - Zittau

I was bored before I even began

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Today, long after ten years ago when I answered the door to someone asking if my mummy and daddy were home, and I was 24 and it was my house, I just now got asked if my 30 year-old sister was my daughter. Time has not been kind to me. FML

By Anonymous - 18/2/2021 16:59

Time flies by

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Today, my boyfriend of 6 months told me he was not going to celebrate Valentine's Day because it was a "capitalistic consumerism holiday." He works in a bank and helps "capitalistic consumerism" 364 days a year. FML

By Brokenheartz - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Happy Valentine's Day anyway

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Today, I got a new piercing because I was trying to be spontaneous. Now, I realize its placement is off and I hate it. FML

By AAA - 11/2/2021 11:01

Hole for life

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Today, I wanted to clean my house. Of course the vacuum cleaner got stuck behind furniture multiple times. After the fifth time or so, I gave it a good pull. Now my vacuum cleaner is broken and the socket is off the wall. FML

By Michael - 5/2/2021 21:30 - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Give me strength

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Today, I went down a four-hour YouTube rabbit hole trying to understand the Onision drama. I finally snapped out if it, thinking, "I don't care about any of this. What am I doing with my life?" FML

By Youtube drama sucks - 4/2/2021 22:58

YouTube Drama

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Today, I found one of my boyfriend's earbuds in the dryer. He's gonna be pissed. FML

By Anonymous - 31/1/2021 03:30

Melted

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Today, the girl who lived downstairs and who was also sleeping with my guy moved out. She left a stack of my mail she had been taking at my door. FML

By Anonymous - 30/1/2021 20:01

Parting gift

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Today, while walking to the corner store, I noticed a car full of teenage girls. As I got closer to the store, one of them who was still getting in, says, "Hurry, here comes a pedo!" I turned to look and see who they were talking about, but there was no one behind me. FML

By Eric Rivera - 29/1/2021 23:01 - United States - Philadelphia

I've just got one of those faces

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Today, something smelled absolutely disgusting in the bathroom. Like cow shit and stinky beetles. I started sniffing around, because whatever it was, I had to find it and clean it up. That, however, proved difficult, because it turned out that smell was coming from the new soap my mom had bought. FML

By Anonymous - 28/1/2021 14:01 - Germany

The smell detective is on the case

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