Miscellaneous, the best funniest jokes

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Today, my parents went on vacation and told me that it is "absolutely imperative" that I do the dishes while they are gone. Instead, the sink decided to break and nothing will fix it, so I'm currently writing out my will. FML

By nima - 23/2/2021 02:01

Death wish

664

Today, I was running water for a relaxing bath. There have been some problems with the town's water for a while now, so I was pleased when the water looked so clear. Right as I thought that, however, the water instantly changed from crystal clear to shit brown. FML

By Kerry - 22/2/2021 20:01 - Canada

Bathtime

762

Today, my mom, not gifted for household chores, proudly announced that she cleaned the toilet. As it turns out, what she'd primarily cleaned was the deodorizer inside the toilet. Then she tried for the stains inside the bowl, unsuccessfully, then she gave up. But yeah, great job. FML

By Anonymous - 20/2/2021 00:30 - Germany

You tried!

583

Today, my ex started our conversation with, "How are you?" I asked whether this was just a way of greeting me, or if he genuinely wanted to know. He affirmed that he really wanted to know, then proceeded to talk about his work for the next two hours. FML

By Anonymous - 18/2/2021 23:01 - Germany - Zittau

I was bored before I even began

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Today, long after ten years ago when I answered the door to someone asking if my mummy and daddy were home, and I was 24 and it was my house, I just now got asked if my 30 year-old sister was my daughter. Time has not been kind to me. FML

By Anonymous - 18/2/2021 16:59

Time flies by

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Today, my boyfriend of 6 months told me he was not going to celebrate Valentine's Day because it was a "capitalistic consumerism holiday." He works in a bank and helps "capitalistic consumerism" 364 days a year. FML

By Brokenheartz - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Happy Valentine's Day anyway

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Today, I got a new piercing because I was trying to be spontaneous. Now, I realize its placement is off and I hate it. FML

By AAA - 11/2/2021 11:01

Hole for life

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Today, I wanted to clean my house. Of course the vacuum cleaner got stuck behind furniture multiple times. After the fifth time or so, I gave it a good pull. Now my vacuum cleaner is broken and the socket is off the wall. FML

By Michael - 5/2/2021 21:30 - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Give me strength

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Today, I went down a four-hour YouTube rabbit hole trying to understand the Onision drama. I finally snapped out if it, thinking, "I don't care about any of this. What am I doing with my life?" FML

By Youtube drama sucks - 4/2/2021 22:58

YouTube Drama

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Today, I found one of my boyfriend's earbuds in the dryer. He's gonna be pissed. FML

By Anonymous - 31/1/2021 03:30

Melted

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Today, the girl who lived downstairs and who was also sleeping with my guy moved out. She left a stack of my mail she had been taking at my door. FML

By Anonymous - 30/1/2021 20:01

Parting gift

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Today, while walking to the corner store, I noticed a car full of teenage girls. As I got closer to the store, one of them who was still getting in, says, "Hurry, here comes a pedo!" I turned to look and see who they were talking about, but there was no one behind me. FML

By Eric Rivera - 29/1/2021 23:01 - United States - Philadelphia

I've just got one of those faces

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Today, something smelled absolutely disgusting in the bathroom. Like cow shit and stinky beetles. I started sniffing around, because whatever it was, I had to find it and clean it up. That, however, proved difficult, because it turned out that smell was coming from the new soap my mom had bought. FML

By Anonymous - 28/1/2021 14:01 - Germany

The smell detective is on the case

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Today, I was excited to go to swim after a long time of not doing so because of Covid restrictions. After changing into my trunks and putting my goggles on, I jumped into the pool straight away, while still wearing my mask. FML

By Anonymous - 28/1/2021 18:03 - Singapore - Singapore

Going swimmingly

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Today, I tried to log into Instagram for the first time in 2 days. They deactivated my account for violating their guidelines. I haven't posted a picture or made a comment in months. FML

By Ryan McArdle - 25/1/2021 10:58

What did I do?

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Today, I found out via Facebook that my once-favourite aunt has fully bought into the QAnon bullshit about the "stolen" US election, bible quotes and all. We live in the UK. FML

By Anonymous - 25/1/2021 08:01 - United Kingdom - Leeds

It's a cult

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Today, like every day, I'm an intersex woman. I can't orgasm, have no vagina, and can't have my own kids. Every new partner I have requires an embarrassing explanation and biology lesson because no one knows what intersex means, even though it's quite common. At least I don't get periods? FML

By Anonymous - 25/1/2021 05:02

The I in LGBTQA+

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Today, I share a bathroom with two other people and we divide tasks equally. They take care of making it dirty; I take care of making it clean. FML

By Anonymous - 24/1/2021 02:02 - Germany - Emden

Cooperation

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Today, I have been finding long black hairs all over my bathroom. My hair is short and blonde, and I live alone. FML

By Marie - 20/1/2021 05:01

Freaky

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Today, a small fly was harassing my face, then it landed on a book next to me. I waved at it to make it leave, but it didn't. I got my fingers closer to it, to scare it off. Instead, it jumped on my finger as a playful parrot pet, spent a moment there, and flew off. I cannot even intimidate a fly. FML

By Anonymous - 18/1/2021 04:58

Impressive

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Today, after there was only one family that hated me enough to beat me up when we were kids, and we still don't get along as adults, my youngest brother is now dating into that family, and one of my older brothers is dating into that family too. It's like some kinda sick curse, or karma. FML

By Anonymous - 16/1/2021 12:01 - Canada - Charlottetown

No, not them!

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Today, it was one of those rare occasions I wore shorts. The first thing my male cousin said was, "Why so sexy?” Misogyny is why I don’t wear shorts. FML

By Anonymous - 13/1/2021 09:01 - Canada - Edmonton

Toxic masculinity

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Today, I live in a tiny village in the countryside. Nice and quiet, right? Wrong. The farm next door rents out their land to some kind of soil processing company. Basically, it’s like living next to a never-ending construction site that knows neither Sundays nor holidays. FML

By Anonymous - 13/1/2021 11:01

The Good Life

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Today, my friend and I took an online quiz to find out what character from Lord of the Rings we look like. She got Arwen. I got Gollum. FML

By Gollumapparently - 13/1/2021 05:01

My precious

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Today, I got my first Android phone. Being aware that they are somewhat inclined to collecting data about you, I was still surprised when I had to tell the eBay app, of all things, that it wasn't allowed to know how much I exercise. FML

By Anonymous - 10/1/2021 11:01 - Germany

No data for you

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Today, while studying in the library, I felt a sudden urge to pass gas. There were not too many people around, so I let it go while in my seat and it went unnoticed. What caught the attention of everybody was the puddle slowly forming under my seat. Turns out, I farted so hard I pissed myself. FML

By Anonymous - 9/1/2021 07:01 - United States - Fort Worth

UTI

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Today, I felt so lonely that I was almost jealous of the way Chris Cuomo and Don Lemon playfully express affection for each other on CNN. FML

By Sad guy - 8/1/2021 20:01 - United States - Baltimore

Brotherly love

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Today, my girlfriend and her best friend have been in a contest to see who can go the longest without showering. They’ve just hit day 22. They smell so bad, I can’t stand to be in the same room with them anymore. I'm really about to dump her. FML

By Ready to break up - 8/1/2021 05:01 - United States - Hesperia

Smells like victory

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Today, I went to the mall with two friends. A modelling scout approached us and asked both of my friends if they were interested in modelling. When the scout finally noticed me, she asked if I was their mom. We're all the same age. FML

By Anonymous - 8/1/2021 11:01

Odd one out

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