Your everyday life stories

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Today, I was awoken by the sound of my dorm roommate having sex three feet from me. He was sober, knew I was there, and has a deployed military girlfriend. FML

By Anonymous - 14/9/2019 06:01

Boundaries, dude!

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Today, my husband of four years finally told me he has an eight-year-old son. FML

By MIA - 15/9/2019 06:03

Today, on Maury…

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Today, my mom asked me to pull out the load of laundry she'd stuck in the dryer. Instead of clothes, I pulled out my dead cat. FML

By SonOfACatKiller - 19/9/2019 08:00 - United States - Juno

Alas, poor Tiddles

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Today, I got an e-mail at work about payroll cuts. After our annual cost of living raise two weeks ago, I make $0.30 more per hour, but with my hours getting cut, I'll make $80 less per paycheck. That's two weeks of groceries. I can't afford my vacation next week now either. FML.

By Anonymous - 16/9/2019 08:28

Snakes and Ladders

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Hey my FML got published! First off, I'm a guy, so... that's weird. (They fixed it. Thank you!) Second, to those of you who took precious time out of your day to give me the brilliant idea to get another job... obviously. I've been applying like crazy for weeks already and hoping something will land. About the suggestion that I work overtime... what? No? Payroll cuts mean I can't even work my usual...

AlexF_1001 Say more :

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FML's Favorite Funny Fuck-Ups of the Week!

By Alan / Friday 20 September 2019 18:00

Here's a bunch of people (and animals) fucking up, or just not understanding how the world works. Relatable stuff!

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FML's Weekly Horoscope - 15th of September 2019

By Mystic Alan / Sunday 15 September 2019 18:00

Find out what embarrassing stuff the dumbass stars and planets have in store for you this week!

By huh? - 18/9/2019 13:00 - United States - Monterey Park

Creepy Dick Pic

Today, my ex-boyfriend sent me a photo of him getting head from a gorgeous woman. He captioned it “Jealous?” with smiley emojis. I’m not sure what’s creepier, the fact that he sent it, that he even has my new number or that we broke up more than 8 years ago. FML

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Today, I invited a bunch of friends over to hang out and watch a movie. It's been two hours since everyone was supposed to turn up, and no one has showed. Thanks, friends. FML

By lonely - 15/9/2019 04:05 - Canada - Granby

Saturday Night Fever-ish

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Today, my endometriosis has reached stage 4 and has spread to many organs, including my colon. My constipation got so bad that my Apple Watch told me it was time to stand up. FML

By Anonymous - 14/9/2019 18:03

Protip

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Today, I mowed our lawn without being asked. My sister wouldn't stop yelling at me for not checking with her, because she wanted the grass to get long enough to "play jungle" in. My mom sided with her. FML

By Anonymous - 14/9/2019 04:01 - United States

Try to do a nice thing…

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Today, I was yelled at and fired by my boss. He claimed that I've been sleeping with his wife. I've never met his wife. FML

By Anonymous - 17/9/2019 14:00

Alexa, play "It Wasn't Me" by Shaggy

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Today, I asked the guy I'm dating if he could not drink on our next date, because he ends up drunk-driving every time. His response was, "This isn't working out." FML

By Anonymous - 14/9/2019 20:00

It's only a bit of liquid fun, come on!

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Today, my little sister took a dump in our bath tub right before we were leaving for soccer practice. When my mom found it, she blamed it on me, then made me pick it up with my bare hands. FML

By Katie - 17/9/2019 12:01 - United States

The Bathtub Incident

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Today, a co-worker came back from his honeymoon. He passed by my office to say hi, and mentioned, "I heard you're getting married next year?" I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday. He's taking his things out of the house as I write this. FML

By Anonymous - 14/9/2019 12:00 - Australia - Cairns

Wrong place, right time

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Today, I found out my husband has been telling everyone he doesn't want a baby. He has been telling me he does. We have been trying for months. I'm now pregnant and confused. FML

By Anonymous - 16/9/2019 02:00

Alexa, play "Confusion" by New Order

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Today, a girl that I've been falling for told me that she's married. But not to worry, that "won't get in the way of 'us'." FML

By Anonymous - 16/9/2019 10:00 - United States

Sounds healthy

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Today, my son took some of my underwear to school. What's worse is he sold it to his classmate for $10. FML

By Anonymous - 17/9/2019 20:00 - New Zealand - Wellington

Market crash

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Today, after 4 days of using anti-itch cream for what pharmacists and nurses have called “an allergic reaction”, I was diagnosed with shingles. FML

By ouch - 15/9/2019 00:01

Scratch that

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Today, my grandfather found my diary laying in the living room, and for some reason thought it was an interesting reading material. Oh well, he found out that I'm a lesbian, then panicked and basically outed me to my entire family. I really hope they have reservations in Hell. FML

By Anonymous - 16/9/2019 14:00

Out and about

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Today, my boyfriend dumped me for a guy. I was the only one who knew he was bisexual. Now everyone thinks I "turned him gay." FML

By Anonymous - 16/9/2019 00:01

Big Little Lies

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Today, my cat was looking a little peaky. After craning my neck to check for lumps under his chin, he felt this was the perfect time to throw up a half-digested mouse onto my face. FML

By oh, good - 15/9/2019 02:02 - United Kingdom - Bath

Poor Mickey

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Today, I realized I need to lose weight when I split my pants wide open while at my job directing a funeral, bowing to the casket in front of 200 silent devout attendees, during prayers. I picked that day to wear a red thong. FML

By lateralligator - 14/9/2019 02:02

Elvis has left the building

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Today, my roommate whipped my face with a frozen chicken cutlet. My cheek is now the size of the chicken cutlet, and now he won't drive me to the hospital because it's "too funny to look at." FML

By bigbuldge - 17/9/2019 00:01

Roommate From Hell

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Today, my fiance's mother asked him how he can be with someone with chronic pain for the rest of his life. She has chronic health problems too, but doesn't see how this is a hypocritical question. FML

By littlelia - 15/9/2019 14:00

Mirror, mirror…

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Today, I bought flowers with my groceries at the grocery store. After the cashier scanned them, he handed them back to me so they wouldn't get crushed in my cart. It was then that I realized he's the first man to ever hand me flowers. FML

By ThisIsMyLife - 15/9/2019 12:00

Flowers (Nothing But)

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Today, my art teacher fawned over my friend's photographs of random children and people making out, while she called my picture of an old man looking thoughtful on a pier "creepy" and "voyeuristic." FML

By badizzle - 15/9/2019 22:00

Helmut Newton strikes back

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Today, after months of searching for any kind of work, I finally received a call. It was McDonald's, but they said I was overqualified for the position. I thought they took anyone with a heart rate. Apparently not. FML

By Anonymous - 17/9/2019 18:00 - United States - Baton Rouge

No BigMac for you

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Today, I accidentally rammed my finger into my desk, and it felt like I'd broken it. Yelping in pain, I fell over onto my bed, missed it, and landed on the floor. My dog saw this as a good opportunity to climb on top of me and start humping. FML

By Anonymous - 16/9/2019 12:00 - United States - New York

Showtime

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Today, my mom introduced me to everyone we met as her "special needs child." They all seemed to believe her. FML

By BDSarah - 17/9/2019 16:00

Special

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Today, I got pulled over for speeding. After the cop asked for my license, he started laughing when he saw my picture. FML

By ACAB - 16/9/2019 20:00 - Australia

Officer McGiggles

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Today, I had to tell my 4 year-old, "I'm wiping my butt right now, I can't get you a drink. Please wait a minute." I distinctly heard my neighbor laughing through the bathroom window. FML

By Lauren Davies - 17/9/2019 06:00

Paper-thin walls

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