The best jokes about life

1384

Today, after repeatedly telling my partner's family that our daughter is allergic to peanuts, his grandfather decided to feed her one, to "see if she really is allergic." FML

By Anonymous - 15/1/2021 17:01 - New Zealand - Palmerston North

You old fool

1046

Today, we got the news that my dad will be dying of Covid. My mom, former nurse, still insist it's a hoax and that the holistic route will cure him. FML

By Anonymous - 18/1/2021 11:01

If it quacks like a duck, it's a quack

1025

Today, I caught up with a good friend and he let me rant about my sexless marriage. He was really understanding and supportive. I got home and he sent me 5 pictures of his wife in a small bikini, saying, “Guess who doesn’t have your problems?” FML

By Anonymous - 18/1/2021 23:01

Supportive

928

218

Today, I found out that the rivalry between my boyfriend and my only friend I have in this city was just a cover up. I'm now a single mom of a 2 year-old and a 5 month-old. FML

By malicemassacre - 17/1/2021 23:01

Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies

917

125

Today, I had the house to myself for the morning. I decided to enjoy being alone, so pulled my trusty bullet vibrator from the drawer. I was very much into it, loving the alone time and myself, and was on the edge of climax when my vibrator died. This brought me to tears, because all I wanted to do was be alone and masturbate. FML

By Anonymous - 17/1/2021 11:01

Technology hates humans

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Today, I was fired from my job for wearing a mask. The manager said I must have Covid, since I was the only one wearing a mask and following state mandated orders. I told him, "I'll see you in court!" FML

By SilverRaven77 - 19/1/2021 23:01

Backwards world

893

107

Today, I had a job interview. I have another job I want to leave, but haven't said anything yet. At the interview, I mentioned where I worked, and the interviewer name-dropped my manager. She then told me he was her step brother. So much for not wanting my manager to know. FML

By Kayla - 16/1/2021 11:02 - United States - Wenatchee

Never name-drop

892

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Today, my fiancé was offered a job by my boss working as a dishwasher. This is awesome, especially since he just got fired from his last job. When I brought it up, his reply was, "I don't want to work as a dishwasher." I guess beggars can be choosers. FML

By Anonymous - 18/1/2021 14:01

Lazy git

808

154

Today, and for the past year, I've been struggling with depression because of family life. I've been talking to my mom for the past weeks, telling her things that happen when she isn't home as a way to build trust. I finally told her I have depression and have had had it for a long time. She laughed. FML

By Anonymous - 17/1/2021 01:59 - Jamaica - Kingston

Thanks for being so compassionate

793

Today, I was paired up with a girl in my class for a project. She started crying. FML

By Anonymous - 16/1/2021 23:01

Unloveable

777

Today, after knowing my friendship group for 9 years, who were like my family, I found out that they actually hate me and have been trying to get me to go away for 5 years. When I left, they laughed at me, argued with me and their exact last words were, "K bye" and then kicked me out. FML

By JinsNeck.exe - 19/1/2021 19:02 - United Kingdom - Blackpool

Toodles

773

109

Today, my mom mentioned that she doesn’t think she’s gonna let my baby sister believe in Santa. When I mentioned that I believed in Santa growing up, she casually replied with, "Yeah, well you were slow." FML

By Anonymous - 15/1/2021 11:01

Innocence

762

Today, after my boyfriend used to tell me that, with his demanding job, he just didn’t have the time or energy for a meaningful conversation with me. Thanks to COVID, he works 90% less now, finding time for online college, cooking and new furniture, yet didn’t invest even one extra minute into our couple. FML

By Anonymous - 19/1/2021 07:59

Bottom of the list

758

174

Today, my housemate saw some stuff in the barn, thought I surely wouldn’t be using it, so he stacked lots of lawn furniture on top. The “stuff” in question? Bales of hay. As in, daily food for my horses. FML

By Anonymous - 15/1/2021 13:58

Housemates from hell

757

Today, while I was working in a grocery store, a costumer decide to take a dump on the ground after I told him he couldn’t access to restrooms because my boss closed them due to COVID restrictions. FML

By Sacha - 19/1/2021 08:01 - Canada

When nature calls

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Today, after Boris made his Monday night lockdown announcement, my husband announced that no way can he handle another lockdown stuck in the house with me and two teenagers, so he drove all night to our static caravan and insists he’s staying there alone until lockdown is over. FML

By Ella - 15/1/2021 01:01 - United Kingdom

Thanks Boris!

738

148

Today, I have been finding long black hairs all over my bathroom. My hair is short and blonde, and I live alone. FML

By Marie - 20/1/2021 05:01

Freaky

737

Today, I was eatings a bag of chips when one of the pieces broke off into a sharp point and when I chewed it, it stabbed into my gums. When I got up to wash the blood out of my mouth, I hit my big toe on my desk corner. FML

By Anonymous - 16/1/2021 08:01

Unfortunate

722

100

Today, there are two parts to my life: The 12 hours I spend in bed each night trying to fall asleep, with limited success, and the 12 hours I'm up and trying *not* to fall asleep, also with limited success. FML

By Anonymous - 19/1/2021 11:01 - Germany

Sing me to sleep

703

Today, I'm 3 days post-partum and my husband accidentally jabbed into my side while flopping onto the couch. FML

By Ouch - 18/1/2021 08:02

Fragile

698

Today, I was telling my friend how much I love my 20-year-old kitchen scale, because it has this one handy function that even new ones don’t have. Later, my mom melted it on the stove and isn’t even convinced she should buy me a new one. FML

By Anonymous - 19/1/2021 02:01

On a scale of 1 to Annoying…

697

Today, my college is so intent on teaching us teamwork that we hardly ever get to do any assignment by ourselves. Even if we could do it better alone. Even if we spend half our time trying to find a slot where all the team members are free to meet. And of course it’s a different team for each task. FML

By Anonymous - 18/1/2021 02:01 - Germany - Ebersbach

Organisation rules

683

Today, my friend's phone rang in class and my teacher thought it was me, so now I have detention for a week. FML

By Anonymous - 16/1/2021 04:01 - United States - Milwaukee

Hello?

679

Today, out of nowhere, I started violently choking on my own saliva and shat myself in the process. FML

By Anonymous - 20/1/2021 08:01

Self-own

652

Today, after there was only one family that hated me enough to beat me up when we were kids, and we still don't get along as adults, my youngest brother is now dating into that family, and one of my older brothers is dating into that family too. It's like some kinda sick curse, or karma. FML

By Anonymous - 16/1/2021 12:01 - Canada - Charlottetown

No, not them!

649

Today, I'm a generalist with moderate knowledge of multiple domains, but since I'm not a specialist in any, I'm not getting a job. FML

By Anonymous - 15/1/2021 21:27 - India - Bangalore

Jack of all trades…

636

180

Today, the only thing more unbearable than lockdown is lockdown with sloppy roommates, who do nothing but complain about each other behind their backs to me, and also bring up past events like a broken record. FML

By Anonymous - 17/1/2021 14:01 - United States - Pittsburgh

Cabin fever

635

Today, I finished birthday shopping for my husband, my son, and a close friend, who all have birthdays within a week. I was proud of myself for being organized, until I remembered: my husband has a twin sister. FML

By BackIGo - 15/1/2021 02:01 - Australia

Back to the drawing board

630

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Today, I stabbed myself in the nipple with scissors trying to cut an opening in the supposedly hands-free pumping bra I just bought. I breastfeed my 5-day-old. FML

By Anonymous - 17/1/2021 10:59 - United States - Farmingdale

What a tit

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