Your everyday life stories

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Today, my grandpa told me that he and grandma had an open relationship, because, "it isn't satisfying to have sexuality with only one person your whole life.” According to grandma, he just cheated on her constantly and she couldn’t do anything to stop him. FML

By Anonymous - 8/8/2020 02:02

Two sides to every story

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Today, I woke up in hospital. Apparently, I fell down the stairs, broke 3 ribs, one toe, and hit my head so much that 12 stitches were needed. I also blacked out for an hour before my husband found me covered in blood. Recovery should take about a month and a half. FML

By Anonymous - 10/8/2020 02:12

Falling Down

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Today, I spent over an hour trying to get my niece to sleep and nothing worked. Then my husband got home and yelled, "Listen brat, either sleep now or be buried in the cat's litter box." It worked. She giggled, ran to bed and 30 seconds later she was snoring. What? How? Why? FML

By Anonymous - 9/8/2020 05:01

Tough love

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Today, I was dining out with friends. I saw a mom instructing her young child to go to empty tables and take whatever cash had been left. I discreetly told the manager. He confronted the woman and pointed right at me. As she was being thrown out, she tossed a very heavy mug at my head. It hit me. FML

By great parenting pal - 11/8/2020 02:01

Child labor

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Here's another selection of some of the worst, unpublishable FMLs we've received over the years. Read them and weep!

BLOG

The Best of the Worst of FML #91

By Alan / Monday 10 August 2020 23:00

BLOG

The Best of the Worst of FML #90

By Alan / Wednesday 8 July 2020 20:01

Here's a selection of some of the worst, unpublishable FMLs we've received over the years. Read them and weep!

By fucking Karens! - 11/8/2020 14:02

Karen strikes again

Today, I got lost searching for an apartment in a huge complex. A hysterical woman started screaming that I didn’t belong there, and that she was calling the police. She stood behind my car so I couldn’t leave. I’m a pizza delivery driver, in full uniform and with the company emblem on my car. FML

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Today, my granny called me to, "Come change me please, I just peed." I interrupted what I was doing, walked over to her bed, pulled down her covers and was just about to go for the pad when she said, "Actually... I'm still peeing. Come back in a couple of minutes." FML

By Anonymous - 7/8/2020 20:01

Constant flow

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Today, my boyfriend flipped out when he saw a period tracker app on my phone. According to him, chicks only use those when they want to know when they’re the most fertile so they can “baby trap” a man. I have irregular cycles. The app helps me know when I should or shouldn’t expect a period. FML

By menstruation nation - 11/8/2020 05:01

Freak out

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Today, my biologist father had a slide show and speech prepared for my wedding. It started with, “40 years ago, there was a tree here”. I thought this would relate to me or the wedding at some point. 45 minutes later, I had to admit that it didn’t. FML

By Anonymous - 9/8/2020 02:02

Great speech, thanks!

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Today, my psycho ex tried to call the cops on me for "poisoning her food." I live two hours away from her, and have no money or gas to go anywhere near her. Turns out, she poisoned herself for eating raw chicken and pizza dough. I have a child with this idiot. FML

By Anonymous - 10/8/2020 08:06

Sounds like a catch

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Today, I realized my morbidly obese sibling's favorite bathroom to use is whichever one is closest to me during the day. Three floors of living space and the monster wants to drop a nuke where the odors are certain to waft to my nose three times a day. Every. Single. Day. FML

By Anonymous - 7/8/2020 14:02

Sewer monster

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Today, at 26, I bought my first vibrator. I've never really masturbated before, because I've always been with a guy. I used it for the first time, and orgasmed in under 3 minutes. I guess this whole time the guys I've been with hadn’t in fact made me cum as much as I thought. FML

By Anonymous - 7/8/2020 17:01

Like a virgin

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Today, someone said that women shouldn’t hate their menstrual cycles, because the hormonal changes were so "interesting". Sure, that’s the word I’d use for alternating between cramps and zits, being an insatiable nymphomaniac, and being so depressed I want to die. FML

By Anonymous - 9/8/2020 23:01

Let's go girls!

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Today, I have an incredibly high sex drive. My boyfriend doesn't. He made me throw away my, rarely used, sex toys because he's jealous of them. I wouldn't need them if we had sex more. FML

By Anonymous - 12/8/2020 05:01

Frustration level: 2000

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Today, I told my mom I wasn't doing very good mentally and I was looking for some support. She decided to remind me of all of the things I still haven't paid her back for. I'm now an unpaid loan, not her daughter. FML

By KaYLa_LoUiSe - 8/8/2020 08:03

Narcissistic parents FTW

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Today, my man complained that I was "not easily approachable", sexually speaking. To clarify, his usual way of signalling his desire is to just lie there, quiet and not moving, and (probably) thinking exciting thoughts. I can't tell if he likes me touching him, unless he signals a lack of interest by falling asleep, that is. FML

By Anonymous - 8/8/2020 17:02

Alexa, play 'Communication Breakdown' by Led Zeppelin

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Today, my nearly ex-husband called in a panic so I could come rescue the dogs because he'd called 911 due to a gas leak at the house. I came over, after which the fire department and gas company inspected, and they found the issue. The dog. The dog farted so bad it smelled like rotten eggs and was mistaken for a gas leak. FML

By JR. - 8/8/2020 20:02

Leaking all over the place

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Today, my boyfriend is completely obsessed with zombie and horror movies. I don’t care what he watches, the only problem is the big wuss has horrible thrashing nightmares. Last night he thrashed so hard, he elbowed me in the face. I have a big swollen purple knot right on my forehead. FML

By scaredy cat - 9/8/2020 14:02

Wuss

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Today, I was out walking my dog, when a lady called out to me asking, “Is that a boy or a girl?” Assuming she meant the dog, I told her that he was a boy. When I turned away, I heard her say to her kid, “I was talking about the person walking the dog, but whatever,” then audibly laughing. FML

By thedogwalker - 9/8/2020 08:02

Mistaken identity

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Today, I was diagnosed with intermittent explosive disorder, meaning that I involuntarily fly into a rage without provocation. It's only controlled by healthy eating and sleeping. I work too much to get any sleep, I don't make enough money to eat well, and my disorder limits my ability to find a job that pays more. FML

By Anonymous - 10/8/2020 14:01

The Hulk

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Today, I sent a draft email to my boss. The receptionist, thinking they were being helpful, forwarded it straight to the client. It's not ready for the client. I mean, it is NOT ready for the client. Really, really not ready for the client. FML

By Anonymous - 10/8/2020 17:01

So sorry I called you a dingdong

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Today, after years of not speaking with my birth mother, I took a chance and stopped to talk to her when I saw her outside of her house. Five minutes into it, I knew I needed my hair recolored and that I'm out of shape, this all being said by a totally gray haired fat woman. FML

By Darice - 8/8/2020 05:03

Mom of the year

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Today, my mother-in-law called me selfish, lazy and a bad mother for giving my kids chores, like picking up toys and shoes. When we got married, my husband didn’t even know how to load a dishwasher or run a load of laundry. According to her, a "real mother" waits on her family hand and foot. Yeah, OK. FML

By F U mil - 12/8/2020 23:05

I'll get right on it, chief

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Today, I turned 39 and I finally had my very first surprise birthday party. It was held by a group of video game animals in Animal Crossing instead of by real people, because I'm not important enough to them to remember my birthday without Facebook's intervention. FML

By Anonymous - 9/8/2020 17:01

Birthday blues

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Today, I remembered that I chose my career of the last decade because, unlike my job in the dying newspaper industry, "concerts aren’t going anywhere." FML

By Anonymous - 11/8/2020 08:01

Gig economy

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Today, after losing 20 pounds, I decided to purchase new clothes. All of the clothes at the store were still too small for me. FML

By Anonymous - 7/8/2020 23:01

XXL

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Today, my boyfriend said angrily that he should never have gotten together with me, that he should have known a woman with divorced parents would have daddy issues, and never be quite right in the head. His own parents are divorced by the way, and his mom is extremely overbearing. FML

By Anonymous - 12/8/2020 14:02

Projection

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Today, and ever since he saw the infamous interview that was on TV the other day, every time I say something to my husband, he keeps quoting, "You can't do that!" and "You don't know that!" at me in Donald Trump's voice. FML

By Anonymous - 8/8/2020 14:02

Imitation is a form of flattery. Or is it?

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Today, my family once again mocked and insulted me for being the only one to not spank my kids. Apparently, they’ll grow up entitled and in prison if I don’t. Odd, seeing as my kids are 10 times better behaved than their kids, who get spanked on a regular. Ah well, here’s to hitting kids I guess. FML

By no spank - 11/8/2020 20:01

The Breeders

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Today, I booked a long distance flight across two continents, costing me over 600 bucks. I then got a confirmation email. For a different flight. I wrote to their customer service address, saying there has been an error, and to please either change or cancel the booking. I never got any reply. At all. FML

By Anonymous - 11/8/2020 23:01

Fly me to the moon

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