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Today, while dreaming, I was thirsty and grabbed a glass of water to drink. The taste was so horrible that it caused me to wake up and realize I was drinking the isopropyl alcohol I keep on my nightstand for my CPAP machine. All Poison Control had to say was, "Uh oh." FML

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emeraldapostle Say more :

Hey all, OP here. I'm fine, and Poison Control helped me out after saying, "uh oh." Now I keep my isopropyl somewhere besides my nightstand

By emeraldapostle - / Saturday 10 November 2018 14:26 /

Today, my ex-wife, who I have a 1000-yard restraining order against since she threatened my new wife and our kids, moved into a house down the street. The police say they can't do anything because her house is more than 1000 yards from mine. It's 1012 yards away. FML

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By Anonymous - / Sunday 11 November 2018 05:00 /

Today, I spent almost nine hours cleaning because I was promised I could go to junior prom if my room was cleaned. I missed a dust bunny and couldn't go. I had a date for this, who I'd had a crush on for over a year and barely managed to ask to go with me. FML

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By SharpDressedMan - / Tuesday 13 November 2018 06:00 / United States - Leesburg

Today, a few years after getting mugged inspired me to start hitting the gym and taking karate classes, I was mugged again, this time in front of my girlfriend who I actually met at the gym. I was knocked out with one punch. It was the same mugger with the same neck tattoo. FML

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By Anonymous - / Saturday 10 November 2018 22:00 /

Today, I brought my boyfriend over to meet my parents. They prepared dinner for us - mushroom pasta. I have always hated mushrooms, so I spent the entire dinner trying not to gag. Unfortunately, I did gag and my mom got up and smacked me so hard I fell out of my chair. FML

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By aeris - / Sunday 11 November 2018 09:30 / United States

BLOG

The game is back!

By Cali / Thursday 8 November 2018 11:39

Read on for info and updates...

BLOG

FML Halloween Game Malfunction

By Cali / Monday 5 November 2018 17:18

We're working on it!

Today, my nana turned up at my flat for a visit, barged in without knocking, and found me having sex with both of my girlfriends. The vicious religious lecture that followed would have stripped the tramp stamp off a whore. She then rampaged through our bedroom and binned all our sex toys. FML

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By Lesbian and proud, nana - / Monday 12 November 2018 14:00 /

Today, while I was fitting a new fuse box, a giant spider tried to eat my fingers. As I pulled away, I touched the exposed wires. I woke up flat on my back to the customer slapping my face, burnt fingers, and bruises everywhere. I had also peed and shit myself. FML

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By Anonymous - / Monday 12 November 2018 12:00 /

Today, my boyfriend started tickling me relentlessly. I am extremely ticklish and accidentally kicked him in the shin whilst squirming. He’s now trying to get me arrested for assault. FML

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By amm - / Monday 12 November 2018 13:30 /

Today, my husband took me to an airsoft shop so he could try a new pistol. We went on the range to shoot it, but while he was loading it went off and shot me. I was only wearing my leggings, so I felt the full power of that BB as it traveled at 200 feet per second at my clitoris. FML

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By calamity janet - / Wednesday 14 November 2018 22:00 /

Today, my boyfriend and I had a friend over. This friend was talking about how 2 girls were trying to get with him. My boyfriend says "I wouldn't ever fuck the blonde one, but I would do the other one in a heartbeat." Then, realizing what he said, he hesitantly added "...if I was single." FML

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By ActuallyDoneFor - / Saturday 10 November 2018 10:30 / Canada - Saint Albert

Today, my brother threw a mug at my head and threatened to stab anybody who came at him because I woke him up for school. I called the police after threats were thrown at my mom, who then lied to them and said I overreacted. I'm currently getting the silent treatment from my family. FML

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By Anonymous - / Monday 12 November 2018 18:00 /

Today, to get back at me for our recent breakup, my ex put a "9/11 was an inside job!" bumper sticker on my car. I work for the government in New York City, and I just got a text saying that my manager wants to talk to me. FML

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By Jamie - / Sunday 11 November 2018 05:00 / United States

Today, I was babysitting for a friend who develops software. After the baby was asleep, I was watching anime on my iPad. Turns out he created an app that alerts his phone whenever potential adult content streams through his internet. It was just an anime, but he's convinced I was watching porn. FML

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By Katz - / Sunday 11 November 2018 14:00 /

Today, the lady in front of me in the checkout line had a pacifier hanging around her neck, but I didn't think much of it until it was time for her to pay. She reacted to the $250 total by crying like a baby and very loudly asking me to put the pacifier in her mouth to calm her down. FML

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By Anonymous - / Wednesday 14 November 2018 14:00 /

Today, I took a big, smelly, satisfying dump when I woke up. When I tried to flush, nothing happened. None of my four roommates bothered to tell me we didn’t have running water. FML

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By bonnmo - / Sunday 11 November 2018 11:30 / United States

Today, I saw my boyfriend coming up the walkway to our home. When I opened the door to greet him with a huge smile on my face, he scowled at me and angrily said, "I don't know why you have to do that!" Smile gone. FML

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By Lexy - / Saturday 10 November 2018 12:00 /

Today, I realized how bad my grey hair problem has gotten as I noticed I had grey pubes. I'm only 23. FML

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By Anonymous - / Monday 12 November 2018 05:00 /

Today, I was denied an animal adoption because I said "babies" instead of "kittens". Apparently that means I'm not serious about pet ownership. What?! FML

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By Anonymous - / Tuesday 13 November 2018 05:00 /

Today, I received an email from a shipping company telling me they had dropped off a package of expensive electronics at the front door. Too bad someone stole it before I made it to the door. FML

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By Isoneedtomove - / Friday 9 November 2018 16:00 / United States

Today, my boss created a WhatsApp group called "Forever Alone", added me and only me, and then left so that I could be the only person in the group. FML

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By notlilien - / Wednesday 14 November 2018 15:30 /

World

Belgium

Today, in bed, my wife took her vibrator and started masturbating. Feeling excited, I went down to help her. She told me to knock it off 'cause she couldn't focus. FML

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By BackedOff - / Saturday 10 November 2018 05:00 / Belgium

Today, I broke my glasses. How did I break my glasses? A cow kicked me in the face at work. FML

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By anonymous - / Sunday 11 November 2018 13:30 /

Today, I received a notice that I'm being fined for failure to renew my Florida license. I've lived in Maryland for the last seven years and I've never had a Florida license. FML

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By LicenseLoser - / Tuesday 13 November 2018 15:30 /

Today, I woke up next to my roommate staring in horror. She said I was singing and farting in my sleep. Loudly. FML

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By Anonymous - / Saturday 10 November 2018 15:30 /

Today, it's been weeks since I made a Facebook page to arrange something for my birthday as no one was able to attend last year on short notice. Everyone was game but now everyone is flaking. One friend even said, "I'll see who RSVPs and then decide." FML

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By Anonymous - / Tuesday 13 November 2018 17:30 /

World

Canada

Today, we left the cat alone all day for the first time in months, and came back home 11.5 hours later to three enormous puddles of vomit. We then spent $450 at the vet only to find out that our cat is perfectly healthy. He just has separation anxiety. FML

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By caittorr - / Sunday 11 November 2018 16:00 / Canada - Saint-jean-sur-richelieu

Today, while at my mom’s house, my mom told me that I need to seriously curb my food intake. Then I went to my dad’s house and he told me I need to gain weight. I can’t win here. FML

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By caly - / Monday 12 November 2018 16:32 / United States

Today, a few months after my son lost a canine tooth, he went to get a replacement fitted. He came home with his other canine tooth removed and both replaced by vampire fangs. Permanent vampire fangs in his mouth, where people can see them and judge me for being a bad parent. FML

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By Anonymous - / Tuesday 13 November 2018 13:30 /

Today, I was helping this girl to the nurse’s office because she was so sick that she could barely walk. About halfway there, she stopped and vomited on me. My jaw was dropped in shock when she threw up on me again. A little went into my mouth. FML

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By HagFag - / Saturday 10 November 2018 14:00 /

Today, right before sex, with his dick out and the condom in one hand, the guy I was with answered a phone call from his mum. FML

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By T1A2Z3 - / Tuesday 13 November 2018 03:00 /

They are humans !

		Nickname
		Fly4way
		alvv
		Australe973
		teo charvier
		maitelove
		danaaa
		Mali Charlie BuCoco
		Helao
		hyppo250
		Ptiben69

Game Ranking

End of game in

Zombie

#	Nickname	Bites
1	MysteryGuitarMan	447
2	whatshername?!	200
3	im365sostressed	7
4	CaseyR	4
5	imightbeazombie	0
6	darkdepressed	0
7	littletrainer	0
8	cnclalacrap	0
9	scizzoid	0
10	ndisabeast	0
#	Total	658

vampire

#	Nickname	Bites
1	newbiemalestr8	2560
2	BadAtPuns	1457
3	Ashamed_Sister	1000
4	abigiggles	220
5	hellsingthecreator93	183
6	Dave_Davington	135
7	EclipticaLibra	120
8	Vaella	81
9	Callyn	48
10	xsandra	45
#	Total	6132