The best jokes about life

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Today, my dad told me that I can't wear leggings on Friday nights, because, "your butt is too distracting for my poker buddies." FML

By JustClaire95 - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - San Francisco

Creepy

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I'll prob just wear jeans from now on. Though it'd be funny to see them react to a mini skirt lol!

JustClaire95 tells us more :

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Australia - Melbourne

Misleading

Today, I went to dinner with a guy I like and paid the $120 bill. After joking that he was an expensive date, he replied, "I'm laughing at how you think this is a date." FML

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Today, my wife made me moist cat food burgers as a prank. I didn't have the heart to tell her that they tasted better than the ones she usually makes. FML

By kittybad - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

These are lovely

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Today, after having asked me out on Monday, the guy I like angrily cancelled our date because I "hadn't bothered" even talking to him for "several days". One day. You didn't hear from me on Monday. It's now Tuesday. That's one day, dick. FML

By fartbucket51995129565 - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - New York

Richard ?

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Today, I had satanic gastric distress. Attempting to make light of this fact, and, being incredibly bored and seemingly alone at work, I managed to fart the intro to "Smoke on the Water" perfectly. Somebody clapped. FML

By Charlie529 - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - South Africa - New Germany

Musical interlude

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My nick's misleading, but that is my name and I am a girl! Anyways. Thought I'd tell you all that I didn't get fired (O.o)/ However, I did have to give him (boss) an (exceptionally awkward) explanation because he thought I was watching funny youtube videos. He just keeps giving me the weirdest/funniest friggin' looks, and now uses the the keyword "Deep Purple" to get me to make him coffee....

Charlie529 tells us more :

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Sweden

Dad prank #9866

Today, I had to basically ground my own husband, after he tricked our 6-year-old son into getting his tongue stuck to a frozen pole. FML

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Today, I was waiting in line with my boyfriend behind me. I decided to hold his hand and rub his chest while we waited. Then I heard a female voice behind me that said, "Ma'am, please don't touch me." FML

By cpmolly - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Omaha

Classic FML

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Today, my fiancé and I told my future mother-in-law that we are expecting. Her response was, "Why are you doing this to me?" FML

By dyingangel246 - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Wooster

Mother's Day Flashback

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Hi everyone, OP here. I'd like to start by saying that the few of you who said she doesn't like me, you are probably right. When my fiance and I got engaged she didn't want to tell her family, to this day 2 years later I don't know who does and doesn't know. I believe she doesn't want to accept the fact that her 27, almost 28 year old son is getting married and starting a family. I myself am 26. My...

dyingangel246 tells us more :

By dear god why - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Seattle

Noise annoys

Today, my parents were screaming so loud about who clogged the toilet that a neighbor called the police because they thought someone was in danger. FML

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Today, we are reading Animal Farm in class. Almost the entire class think it's about animal abuse. Including the teacher. FML

By literature - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff

Poor old George Orwell…

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Today, I actually uttered the words, "Those are my good sweatpants." FML

By dieana - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - Canada - Lacombe

Felt cute

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Today, my boss gave me an autographed photo of himself, after he heard that I think he's intimidatingly attractive. FML

By myfavoritesgouda - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Manhasset

Full of himself

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Today, my new colleagues took me up on my idea of a group night out. Perhaps they'll actually invite me along next time. FML

By Loner_Lou - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - London

Coming soon, to a place near you…

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Today, I got an email. It said, "Everyone hates you. We voted." FML

By JustAnotherTina - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Australia

Appropriate?

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Today, my boyfriend sent me a picture of his morning dump because it was heart-shaped. FML

By SkinsCastSelection - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - France

A for effort

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Today, I accidentally moaned my own name during sex. FML

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

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Today, airport security took away my 32$ eyelash curler, because it could be used as a weapon. I miss the '90s. FML

By J.O.S - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Canada

The more things change…

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Today, I was eating noodles. Midway through chewing, I sneezed. The noodles got stuck in my nose. FML

By bob - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Tasty

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Today, I went out on a first date with a cute guy. Turns out we won't be going on a date again because I didn't know the difference between "Star Wars" and "Star Trek." FML

By not4geeks - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Looking for love in Alderaan places

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Today, my dog received a Christmas card before I did. FML

By amywee - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Are Christmas cards still a thing?

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Today, my mom used, "Happy Thanksgiving break" and, "We sold your car" in the same sentence. FML

By laststand11 - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff

It's all in the timing

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Today, for my Christmas bonus at work, I got a potted plant and some lotion. FML

By whut - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States

Thanks, I guess

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Today, my mother confronted me about my bird's masturbation problem. We spent Christmas Eve Googling "bird masturbating" and watching videos to see if that was actually what my bird was doing. At least he's having a good Christmas. FML

By suuuuuupucci - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Have a good one!

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Today, my mom hung her new "Christmas Clock" on the wall. It plays a different Christmas carol every hour, on the hour. It's only December 2nd and I'm already starting to understand why suicide rates sky rocket this time of year. FML

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

'Tis the season to be jolly, falalala lala la la

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Today, my dad shaved his head. This wouldn't be so bad if he didn't expect me to address him as "Captain Picard" 24/7 now. He won't answer me otherwise. FML

By MissArizona - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Make it so

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Today, my boyfriend of 6 months told me he was not going to celebrate Valentine's Day because it was a "capitalistic consumerism holiday." He works in a bank and helps "capitalistic consumerism" 364 days a year. FML

By Brokenheartz - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Happy Valentine's Day anyway

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Today, I noticed I'd mislaid one half of the "Monday" pair of socks from my "Days of the week" set that were a gift for my birthday. I'm slightly OCD. I think I'm going to rip the floorboards up if I don't find it. FML

By socks - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Monday madness

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Today, my 5 kids were singing their favorite Christmas carols in the van, each trying to sing louder than the others. It would have probably sounded better if they were all singing the same one. FML

By Dave - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Tallahassee

Christmas Racket

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Today, I went to my first party, hoping to maybe meet some people. I was there for 4 hours, and the person/thing that I interacted most with was a cat. FML

By haileypaige123 - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Party time!

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