The best jokes about life

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Today, I had satanic gastric distress. Attempting to make light of this fact, and, being incredibly bored and seemingly alone at work, I managed to fart the intro to "Smoke on the Water" perfectly. Somebody clapped. FML

By Charlie529 - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - South Africa - New Germany

Musical interlude

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My nick's misleading, but that is my name and I am a girl! Anyways. Thought I'd tell you all that I didn't get fired (O.o)/ However, I did have to give him (boss) an (exceptionally awkward) explanation because he thought I was watching funny youtube videos. He just keeps giving me the weirdest/funniest friggin' looks, and now uses the the keyword "Deep Purple" to get me to make him coffee....

Charlie529 tells us more :

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Sweden

Dad prank #9866

Today, I had to basically ground my own husband, after he tricked our 6-year-old son into getting his tongue stuck to a frozen pole. FML

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Today, we are reading Animal Farm in class. Almost the entire class think it's about animal abuse. Including the teacher. FML

By literature - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff

Poor old George Orwell…

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Today, I got an email. It said, "Everyone hates you. We voted." FML

By JustAnotherTina - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Australia

Appropriate?

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Today, my boyfriend sent me a picture of his morning dump because it was heart-shaped. FML

By SkinsCastSelection - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - France

A for effort

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Today, airport security took away my 32$ eyelash curler, because it could be used as a weapon. I miss the '90s. FML

By J.O.S - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Canada

The more things change…

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Today, my dog received a Christmas card before I did. FML

By amywee - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Are Christmas cards still a thing?

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Today, my mom used, "Happy Thanksgiving break" and, "We sold your car" in the same sentence. FML

By laststand11 - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff

It's all in the timing

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Today, for my Christmas bonus at work, I got a potted plant and some lotion. FML

By whut - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States

Thanks, I guess

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Today, my mother confronted me about my bird's masturbation problem. We spent Christmas Eve Googling "bird masturbating" and watching videos to see if that was actually what my bird was doing. At least he's having a good Christmas. FML

By suuuuuupucci - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Have a good one!

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Today, my mom hung her new "Christmas Clock" on the wall. It plays a different Christmas carol every hour, on the hour. It's only December 2nd and I'm already starting to understand why suicide rates sky rocket this time of year. FML

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

'Tis the season to be jolly, falalala lala la la

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Today, my dad shaved his head. This wouldn't be so bad if he didn't expect me to address him as "Captain Picard" 24/7 now. He won't answer me otherwise. FML

By MissArizona - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Make it so

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Today, my boyfriend of 6 months told me he was not going to celebrate Valentine's Day because it was a "capitalistic consumerism holiday." He works in a bank and helps "capitalistic consumerism" 364 days a year. FML

By Brokenheartz - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Happy Valentine's Day anyway

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Today, I noticed I'd mislaid one half of the "Monday" pair of socks from my "Days of the week" set that were a gift for my birthday. I'm slightly OCD. I think I'm going to rip the floorboards up if I don't find it. FML

By socks - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Monday madness

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Today, my 5 kids were singing their favorite Christmas carols in the van, each trying to sing louder than the others. It would have probably sounded better if they were all singing the same one. FML

By Dave - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Tallahassee

Christmas Racket

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Today, my family came over for Thanksgiving. We were supposed to have had dinner hours ago, but my mom kept sneaking into the kitchen and dialing down the temperature on the oven, claiming I was going to overcook everything. At this rate, we'll be lucky to have eaten by midnight. FML

By mommycooks - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Interference

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Today, whilst in church, my brother's Sunday school teacher asked him what he loved to drink, to which he replied, "Beer." We have no idea why he said that, and the church is still talking to my parents. FML

By ChiefKoala - this FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Harriman

Booze 'em young

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So actually, this is my FML, but i didn't know if it would let me do a follow up since I have a different user name. So now to tell the whole story. My brother was very young and my family isn't big on alcohol; the most they drink is during the holidays when they're with family. Anyway, The church basically exiled us because they thought we were all raging alcoholics. I just heard mom telling the story...

ChiefKoala tells us more :

By firemansam - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Advent calendar time!

Today, I was out selling Christmas-themed calendars for charity door-to-door. I rang a doorbell and a wild-eyed man appeared at the door, shouted about being "on nights" and that I'd woken him up, called me a "bell end", threw a newspaper at me and slammed the door in my face. FML

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Today, when I was shaving , I wanted to see what I looked like with a Hitler 'tache. Since I was shaving anyway I just left that part and figured I'd shave it later. Well I was goose stepping around my room for awhile and then forgot about it. I ran into my girlfriend's parents later that day. FML

By Noname - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

AKA the Oskar Deutsch look

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Today, I found out my request to have off on Thanksgiving for the first time in 6 years was denied, because I work the evening shift every year on Thanksgiving and that's convenient for everyone else. FML

By allidoiswrkwrkwrknomttrwht - this FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff

Stay at home

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Today, I helped myself to a piece of a cake brought by guests at a birthday party. I didn't like it much so I discreetly attempted to give it to the girl next to me. I asked her, "Do you want some? It's sort of disgusting." She replied, "Thanks, I made it." FML

By Nawel - this FML is from back in 2008 but it's good stuff - France

Yummy

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Today, everyone from my job showed up for work because our boss demanded that we have a team meeting before half of the company leaves for the holidays. Everyone showed up except my boss, who is apparently already in Hawaii vacationing until New Year's. FML

By dazedandconfused - this FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States

Happy Holidays!

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Today, I was talking to a friend about the US presidential election and mentioned the UK. She got really confused and told me she'd always thought they were the same country. FML

By caseyl - this FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff

Confused

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Finland. Can't blame the education, my friend is the kind that chooses to forget everything after passing the exams...

caseyl tells us more :

By tipsyone - this FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff - Sweden - Malm?

TOO SOON

Today, at work, my crazy Christmas enthusiast colleague started decorating her office. I had to listen to Christmas songs for hours, but when I complained to others, they said I was just a mood-killer. I’m the only one whose office is close to hers. FML

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OP here: this is not the first time she’s done this! I’ve talked about this two years ago and how I find it incredibly boring to listen to the same songs three months!! Of course the others don’t mind since they’re afraid of conflicts plus I’m the one with the office very close to hers!

tipsyone tells us more :

By Anonymous - 15/5/2020 23:00

The geyser

Today, my girlfriend was on top in reverse cowgirl. After she orgasmed, all I heard was, "Oh fuck" and she clenched her butt to try stop, but it was too late, she shot diarrhoea up my stomach, chest and neck. The only reason I didn’t get any in my mouth was because it all got caught in my beard. FML

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Today, I was moving my sofa to make space for the Christmas tree and the sofa slipped on the wooden floor, thus flipping my right big toenail up 90° so it is now only connected at the cuticle. FML

By LondonTor - this FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff

Christmas is dangerous

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Today, I was FaceTiming a good friend of mine from back home, telling her how good she looked and how happy I was to hear from her. My insanely jealous girlfriend snatched my phone and smashed it on the ground. I was saying my friend looked good because she'd just finished chemo. FML

By so jealous - 27/4/2020 05:00

Goodbye phone

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Today, I texted my mom and told her I'm pregnant and she responded with, "I can’t respond to this right now." So she and my dad are disappointed in me. None of my other siblings were married or even engaged before having their kids. I’m 23, engaged, and own my own house. I don’t see the problem. FML

By Anonymous - 5/7/2020 08:31

Mysterious disappointment

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This is my post, and my parents have never supported me in anything in life. They weren’t happy about my engagement, I knew they weren’t gonna be happy about my pregnancy, so to save to the argument I did it over text. I have since miscarried.

cheyennejocelyn tells us more :

By liar liar plants for hire - 3/8/2020 23:01

Season finale

Today, thanks to traveling restrictions being lifted, I was finally able to go visit the guy I've been chatting with online for the past year. When we met it was like a TV show, well more like three shows: Catfish, Hoarders and My 600lbs life. Turns out he had his neighbor video chat me all along. FML

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