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Today, two days after sending her flowers for Valentine's Day, my dream girl asked me on a date. She didn't show up. Her boyfriend did though. FML

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By bruisedandconfused - / Tuesday 12 February 2019 12:25 / United States - Aberdeen

Today, I am 3 months pregnant. While lying on the couch with morning sickness, my boyfriend farted loudly and filled the room with a smell so horrifying that I immediately threw up all over my coffee table. He spent the next 20 minutes texting his friends about this "epic" moment. FML

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You deserved it

By Anonymous - / Thursday 14 February 2019 16:35 / United States

Today, my girlfriend beat me at ping pong, twenty to three. She said I let her win because I don't respect her, then stormed out of the room. I'm just really bad at ping pong. FML

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You deserved it

By garrett - / Thursday 14 February 2019 15:11 / United States

Today, while lifeguarding, I received six prank phone calls on the official pool phone. When it rang again, I picked it up, told them to go fuck themselves, hung up, and then left the phone off the hook. A second later, my cellphone rang. It was my boss, telling me to get a sense of humor. FML

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You deserved it

By lifeguardfuckup - / Thursday 14 February 2019 15:17 / United States

Today, my girlfriend started bitching me out about how public proposals are unfair and how they pressure a girl to say yes. All I did was get on my knee to tie a loose shoelace. FML

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By Anonymous - / Thursday 14 February 2019 14:52 / United States - Hartford

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The game is back!

By Cali / Thursday 8 November 2018 11:39

Read on for info and updates...

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FML Halloween Game Malfunction

By Cali / Monday 5 November 2018 17:18

We're working on it!

Today, while spooning my spouse, I was awakened in the wee hours by a huge, junk-rattling fart. This has happened numerous times since she became a vegetarian. FML

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You deserved it

By steve-o - / Thursday 14 February 2019 15:46 / United States

Today, while at the office, a surprise Valentine's gift arrived for me, the first I've ever received. It was a box of heart-shaped cookies. From my mother. I'm 39. FML

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By FMAhole - / Tuesday 12 February 2019 12:18 / Australia - Brisbane

Today, I was walking along a crowded pier when I stopped to read a sign next to an oddly placed bush. Not even two seconds later, a man popped out of the bush and made me wet myself. People were filming it. FML

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You deserved it

By Polmkk - / Thursday 14 February 2019 15:00 / United States

Today, my stomach growled so loud in class that a boy sitting next to me thought his phone had vibrated. FML

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You deserved it

By qourt - / Thursday 14 February 2019 15:34 / United States

Today, I slashed my ass open with a shard of glass. How? I was making out with my crush, and threw my glasses on the ground. I forgot about them when we decided to lie down. FML

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You deserved it

By Dockin - / Thursday 14 February 2019 15:37 / India

Today, my boyfriend graduated from boot camp. After the ceremony, I rushed over and tried to jump into his arms. This would have been romantic if he was expecting it. Instead, he fell over and we crashed onto the floor in front of everyone. FML

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You deserved it

By oohrahgal - / Thursday 14 February 2019 16:32 / United States - Clementon

Today, I drove 2 hours to spend the night with a man who I have been seeing for a few weeks. We had sex for the first time. About an hour later, he told me he wasn't really into me and asked to be friends. Then, he apologised because he has herpes. FML

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You deserved it

By stdfree_hopefully - / Sunday 15 April 2018 06:00 /

Today, the father of one of my music students asked me out to dinner via my work e-mail. I thought it was kind of sweet, albeit a little strange, until I got his daughter's instrument rental check, with both his and his wife's name printed on it. FML

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Raemel says more :

OP here. While I definitely wouldn't have accepted, as it might make things weird for my student (who is only 11 btw for whoever thought I should ask her if her parents are together), he is definitely still married, as I asked him. According to him, they are separated, which I'm sure is not fun, but I live in a small town and I'm sure I would be fired were I to date a married person. I explained that...

By no thanks - / Tuesday 24 April 2018 00:54 /

Close-Knit Family

Today, I finally met my girlfriend's family. When it was time for dinner, I was sent upstairs to get her brother. When I walked in, he was laid out on his bed getting a rimjob from his cousin. FML

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You deserved it

By Bleached_Eyes - / Monday 2 April 2018 00:00 / United States - Pikesville

Today, on a freelancer app I use to do short-term gigs to find long-term clients for my company, a rude, demanding client dumped me for a "more experienced, successful" company. They sent me a link, saying I could learn a thing or two. I own the company. FML

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catwithwatermelononhead says more :

OP here. No exciting reply to the wannabe client, I opted to only politely declined to work with them. Glad I did because a colleague did take them on and they changed the project repeatedly and refused to pay for the work. Bullet dodged, but now I wish I had been snarky.

By catwithwatermelononhead - / Saturday 7 July 2018 19:06 /