Your everyday life stories

131

Today, I had to tell my 28-year-old roommate she needs to wash her hands after using the bathroom. She then said she’d try, as long as I try to put my dishes in the dishwasher. Those aren’t even on the same level. FML

By Anonymous - 22/9/2020 17:01

Negotiations

121

Today, I had to clean up dirt from flipped-over flowerpot mess for the 100th time. Why? Because the neighbour won’t stop feeding the squirrels peanuts. FML

By Sara - 22/9/2020 07:54 - Canada

Don't feed the animals

278

Today, I found out my newly-divorced father is now going to marry my girlfriend's mother. Tough situation here. FML

By Pat - 22/9/2020 04:01 - United States - Buffalo

New relations

439

Today, I found my girlfriend's list of people she's slept with on her Google docs. There was 11 names after mine. FML

By Anonymous - 22/9/2020 07:02 - United Kingdom

People have lists?!

547

Today, I've been feeling horny a lot lately, so I downloaded Tinder and subscribed to Tinder Gold. The only matches I've had are with bots and people saying 'subscribe to my Instagram for premium content.' FML

By West of the day - 22/9/2020 05:01

Forever Alone

303

122

Today, I was minding my own business when the guy I have a crush on sat down next to me at work, explained that he heard that I had a crush on him and that he was flattered, but that we should "be friends" because I'm a "nice girl". I was rejected by someone I didn't even pursue. FML

By Anonymous - 22/9/2020 02:02

Preventive measures

612

Today, I found out I have endometriosis… Which doesn't mix well with a horny boyfriend. FML

By Anonymous - 21/9/2020 17:02 - United States

Not now, 2020

604

Today, after I'd finally decided to see a doctor about my anxiety and insomnia, I was so nervous about what the doctor would think of me that I had anxiety attacks that kept me from sleeping a wink all night. I ended up oversleeping and missing the appointment I was so nervous about. FML

By counterproductive - 21/9/2020 11:01 - United States

Intense

724

116

Today, I washed my clothes in the shared laundry room. All my clothes came out smelling like smoke. FML

By Anonymous - 21/9/2020 11:01 - Canada

Smoked

537

Today, I realized at the train station that every day for a month, I've been waving to a cardboard cut-out of a person in the morning. I thought they were real. They're cardboard. FML

By Anonymous - 21/9/2020 13:58

My new friend

575

277

Today, my seventy-year-old male live-in landlord asked if I'd heard a low humming noise the last few nights, around midnight, as someone had mentioned it. I feigned ignorance, whilst silently lamenting the decline of my self-pleasure opportunities. FML

By Anonymous - 21/9/2020 09:05 - United Kingdom - Exeter

Can't get no…

747

145

Today, my grandfather called me for the first time since lockdown. Just like the last 3 times we spoke, he tried to pressure me into learning to drive, despite my making it clear that it absolutely terrifies me. He won't stop asking. FML

By Vehophobic - 21/9/2020 07:05 - United Kingdom - Hounslow

Not a car person

556

394

Today, I've been getting weird vibes from my boyfriend of over a year and half, so I made a fake Tinder account. Guess who my first match was? My now ex-boyfriend. FML

By justanidiot - 20/9/2020 22:01 - United States - Macon

Vibe check

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111

Today, my employer fired me, less than a week before I could become permanent full-time staff. FML

By Schuyler Davis - 21/9/2020 02:01

You're fired!

895

Today, I put icy hot on my aching shoulders, like I have been for several days. They seemed extra tender today, and it wasn't until the burning started that I realized I had put icy hot directly on a very angry sunburn. FML

By Anonymous - 20/9/2020 17:00 - United States

Mr. Burns

654

329

Today, my stepdaughter proudly showed off her new tattoo. It says "Jace’s place" in sloppy script on her lower belly. She’s 15. Jace is a boy she’s been seeing for 3 months. She got the tattoo in "some guy’s garage." It happened during her weekend visit with her father. Hello teenage rebellion. FML

By parenting fail - 20/9/2020 11:01 - United States

A teenage dream's so hard to beat…

1270

111

Today, I was about to have sex with my long-term boyfriend, when it started to rain. He was so interested in the storm that he left me half naked to look outside. FML

By Anonymous - 20/9/2020 17:00 - United Stated - Portland

Stormy weather

807

169

Today, I had to pick up my dad because he was too drunk to drive home. Drive his wheelchair home, that is. FML

By morningbirdie - 20/9/2020 14:01

Drunk level: 2000

854

Today, while masturbating, I got a huge migraine so I went into the kitchen to get an Advil. As I was getting it, my family was staring at me and I couldn't figure out why. I walked out and realized that I hadn't put my pants back on. I just walked downstairs fully torqued in front of my family. FML

By Anonymous - 20/9/2020 10:07

Tell, don't show

358

1233

Today, the guy I met on Tinder texted me about our date tomorrow. He seemed nervous. I come to find out his mom overheard us talking on the phone and wants to meet me. I said OK, that’s not big deal. That’s when he told me that he’s actually 17. I now hate myself because I’m 26. FML

By Anonymous - 20/9/2020 02:02 - United States - Arlington

Always ask for documentation

1065

164

Today, Facebook showed me pictures from five years of a happy time I had traveling with a boyfriend, who later ended our 8-year relationship by telling me he had gotten an apartment and furniture in secret, and was moving out. No warning, no reason, no explanation. He never spoke to me again. I loved him. FML

By Anonymous - 19/9/2020 23:03 - Canada

Fucking Facebook memories

1290

Today, I was spending time with my affectionate pet rabbit. He was hanging out with me on my bed as usual. After I finished giving him a long and thorough head rub, he thanked me by emptying his bladder on my leg. What is that, marking me as his property? True affection. FML

By Anonymous - 19/9/2020 17:02 - United States - San Mateo

What's up, doc?

720

176

Today, I started a new job. I was in a meeting, all day, training under a guy. This was the same middle-class-gravyboat guy who has no idea what he's doing, attributes things to false-positive root causes, and is defensive whenever someone knows more than him. I left my last job because of this type of guy. FML

By Anonymous - 19/9/2020 23:01

They're everywhere

890

154

Today, in the break room at work, I was looking through my email on my phone about my Amazon orders. There was a suggested product that looked like a dildo. I turned around to see my boss behind me glancing at my phone. FML

By Anonymous - 19/9/2020 20:02

"Based on your purchase history…"

742

188

Today, I looked at pictures of myself from 20 years ago when I was a teenager and realized I have only about a quarter of my hair left. I'm a woman. FML

By Anonymous - 19/9/2020 17:02 - Germany - Aachen

This woman's work

921

Today, after I, my fiance, and the doctors tried all day to get my son to eat for more than just three minutes straight, he decided to eat for thirty minutes straight in the middle of the night when I just wanted to sleep. FML

By mala_19 - 19/9/2020 14:02 - Sweden

The joy of newborn babies

812

174

Today, I was put on a medication for severe migraines. One of the side effects is difficulty concentrating and word recall. I was writing a paper and sat there trying to remember how to spell "isn't." This medication better work. FML

By brainfart - 19/9/2020 10:01

Where is my mind?

896

Today, my boyfriend came over. My mom told him the story about the time she caught me having sex with my ex-boyfriend. My ex is his best friend. FML

By Anonymous - 19/9/2020 08:01 - United States

Bigmouth strikes again

589

875

Today, my dad started Skype-ing with his long-distance friend. They’re both almost 90, barely have their hearing, and can't stop shouting. FML

By Anonymous - 19/9/2020 05:02 - United Kingdom - Swindon

Can you hear me, Dave?

858

140