The best jokes about life

Today, my coworker touched me inappropriately. I reported it to HR, and all they said was, "Do you want to talk to a therapist?" FML

By Anonymous - 20/9/2021 20:00

Thanks, that fixed it

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Today, I went on a date with an awesome guy. I got super hammered and punched him in the face. FML

By DrunkGirl - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - France

First date, and probably the last

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Today, at a funeral, I'd told my autistic son it would be over at 11:30. By 11:33 he was loudly complaining the funeral should be over, and could we leave because he was bored. I had to drag him out, still loudly complaining about the time, while 50 relatives glared absolute daggers at us. FML

By Anonymous - 20/9/2021 17:00

Empathy

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Today, someone tried to rob my boss's store and I had a knife held to my neck. That’s not the FML. The FML is that, for some reason, it excited me and I got a boner. The thief told me I was all kinds of messed up and left without stealing anything. My god, I’m some kind of freak. FML

By Anonymous - 20/9/2021 14:00

Perv'

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Today, I found out that even when I have written and submitted freelance work, the client can refuse to pay and it'd be acknowledged because I'm from Nigeria. Also, they can still use my work. I guess the "Nigerian Prince" issue is affecting even the innocent. FML

By EpicOracle - 20/9/2021 10:00 - Nigeria

Prejudice

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Today, I walked in on the guy I called a cuck in high school going down on my sister. FML

By Pinsky - 20/9/2021 01:00 - United States - Chicago

Comeback

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Today, while working in my pawn shop, I was showing jewelry to a distinguished lady. I had to fart. I tried to wait. It was too much, so I let it slip silently. As she handled a $2000 necklace, I realized that the 2-foot counter between us would never save her from the foul poisonous cloud that had formed. She realized it too. FML

By Anonymous - 20/9/2021 05:00

Best I can do is…

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Today, I tripped and hit my head on a rock, perforating my eardrum. That rock also broke. It was a €3000 headstone I now have to pay for. FML

By Anonymous - 20/9/2021 01:00 - United Kingdom

Pay up

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Today, my father grilled me a little bit for making a print for a cosplay on my $600 FDM printer. Why? Because he "bought the printer for me to make money and not for cosplay" I’m a professional cosplayer who runs a cosplay prop shop. This was for work purposes. FML

By Thatonecosplayer - 19/9/2021 23:00

You just don't get it, dad

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Today, after a lot of effort put into it and finally getting a scholarship, they emailed me saying they can't afford to fund me because they were impacted by the pandemic. I'd already denied other scholarship offers because theirs was the best offer. FML

By Anonymous - 19/9/2021 19:59 - South Africa - Cape Town

Winner

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Today, I'm single again, after my now ex attacked my best friend out of jealousy, forcing me to choose between 25 years of friendship and 3 months of a relationship. FML

By AnonThoughts - 19/9/2021 17:00

Single life

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Today, I got stoned with the clowns at the birthday party I took my niece to. This is a new low point. FML

By Spanish Steps - 19/9/2021 07:59 - Spain

Alexa, play "Just Make it Stop" by Low

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Today, despite leaving early to go to work, I still ended up late because some dude decided to have an argument with the bus driver, delaying us by 20 minutes. As a result, I was fired without a write-up. This was my first ever time being late. FML

By lol - 19/9/2021 11:00

No warning

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Today, I found out my son has been ditching his Zoom classes. He claims he couldn’t connect because of "technical difficulties." I can’t believe he seriously expected me to believe that. FML

By jenni - 19/9/2021 08:00

Our internet works fine, dumbass

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Today, my mom blocked me on everything, kicked me out of her house, and declared that I'm "dead to her." Why? She ordered a package, but it never came. I’m still trying to process how that could possibly be my fault. FML

By mystery - 19/9/2021 05:00

Thief!

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Today, I started my weekend right… outside my grandmother's house, trying to repair her yard. The senile landlord came by and trashed it. This isn't the first time. He's pushing 90 years-old, so it's hard to tell if he has dementia or if he's doing it on purpose. All I want to know is, why hasn't he retired? FML

By Anonymous - 18/9/2021 19:00 - United States - Steele

Landlords need love too

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Today, despite being unable to stand for more than a few minutes at a time or walk farther than a few hundred feet, the doctor told me to begin doing 30 minutes of non-stop exercise everyday. He literally said, “Don’t stop for 30 minutes everyday.” FML

By Renee Simard - 18/9/2021 23:00

Push through the pain barrier

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Today, I woke up to my boyfriend making the bed, at 2 AM. And he wasn't so much making the bed as he was holding a pillow while lost in thought, looking at me. FML

By D Flower - 18/9/2021 13:00 - United States - Chicago

Serial killer vibes

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Today, I dropped my phone in the frying pan whilst cooking my steak. I had to rinse off the oil immediately and clean the phone, then had to eat a cold steak. FML

By Anonymous - 19/9/2021 00:30 - Australia - Mypolonga

Kitchen nightmares

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Today, I wonder about my mental and emotional state as I didn't react whatsoever to a semi that started to pull out in front of my speeding Camaro. If he hadn't seen me, and stopped, I would not be alive to post this. FML

By I'mmessedup - 18/9/2021 07:00 - United States - Marion

Alexa, play "Fast Cars" by Buzzcocks

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Today, Snapchat thought my double chin was a mouth. FML

By Weightlosshereicome - this FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Oxford

Can't filter that

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Today, I was accused of digital black face and cultural appropriating my own culture. FML

By Anonymous - 18/9/2021 11:00

Wokescolds gonna wokescold

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Today, while having missionary sex, my girl was reaching a climax. She kept screaming a bunch of things like, “Yes!”, “Don’t stop!”, “Keep going.” Well, at least until a giant booger fell straight from my nose into her mouth. Then the only thing she was screaming was that I needed to leave. FML

By Anonymous - 18/9/2021 08:00

Feed me with your kiss

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Today, I have an acute URI and acute bronchitis. The cough syrup works amazingly well to stop the coughing, but if I take the cough syrup it gives me insomnia. So I get to choose: do I want to spend all night coughing, or spend all night tossing and turning? FML

By SickAndTired - 18/9/2021 05:00

Tough choice

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Today, I learned two things: first, that a bladder infection may spread to your testicles, and second, that the first does not excuse you from work. FML

By Anonymous - 18/9/2021 02:01 - Belgium - Lint

Pee is stored in the balls

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Today, I was called a judgemental bitch by my family for not letting my son back home after his release from prison, forgetting that none of them want to house him either, considering he did run me over with my car he was stealing to pay his debts to his drug dealer/prostitute provider. FML

By Anonymous - 17/9/2021 22:00 - United Kingdom

He's such a character!

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Today, I found out that the mother of my children named her vibrator after me. We are together and have not had sex in over 18 months. I have no idea what to do with this information. FML

By Buzzing Confusion - 17/9/2021 13:00 - United States - Chicago

Us neither, dude

911

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Today, my friends and I were finally able to meet up for lunch, amidst all of our busy schedules. We had fun talking and catching up about marriage, kids and careers. One friend decided to cause a huge scene though, because apparently we didn’t take her being a stay at home “dog mom” seriously. FML

By annoyed - 17/9/2021 08:00 - United States

It's a valid lifestyle!

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Today, my mom called me from jail. She was arrested for having sex in public. I was with my dad when I got the call. FML

By Monkey - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

That's one way to start the weekend

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