Your everyday life stories

Today, I was told by Amazon that a belt I had ordered was arriving. I grabbed an Amazon package out of the mailbox without even checking who the package was addressed to. I now have an awkward apology ahead of me for opening my stepbrother's box of condoms. FML

By Anonymous - 14/7/2020 02:00

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

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Today, my fiancée decided to go on a 3-hour trip because she needed a break from the baby and me. I forgot to mention who she went with: her ex. FML

By Anonymous - 13/7/2020 23:04

I need some me time

452

Today, I had the girl of my dreams in my bed. She was laughing and smiling, kissing and talking. It was great. Then suddenly she said, "I want to go home; is that rude?" Then she left. I called, but now I'm blocked. FML

By Anonymous - 13/7/2020 20:02

Mixed signals

606

Today, I was taking Zoom classes. We live in a one-bedroom apartment, which means I could hear my mom and dad fighting. I didn't notice that my mic wasn't muted. Everyone in my class now thinks that CPS needs to be called to my house. FML

By Anonymous - 13/7/2020 17:01

Abuse

616

Today, my roommate read an article about unplugging appliances to save on electricity. Too bad the fucking moron also unplugged the fridge. We came home to a corpse-like stench and a fridge full of moldy food. We were gone for two weeks while the sludge marinated in the California heat. FML

By thanks Toby dumbfuck - 13/7/2020 14:02

Good job

873

Today, I turned down a chance to go to a bar with a girl I like because I have an autoimmune disorder and don't want to get sick because of being irresponsible and obviously COVID 19. FML

By Anonymous - 13/7/2020 08:01

Missed opportunities

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Today, I realised why I’m so irritable these days. My former flatmate smoked so many cigarettes that, now he’s moved out and taken the smoke with him, I’m going through nicotine withdrawal. I realised this after I saw cigarettes in a shop and couldn’t stop staring at them. FML

By Anonymous - 13/7/2020 05:02

The urge

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Today, I had to sit through the film The 40 Year Old Virgin with my friends, who thought it was hilarious. I'm well over 40 and also a virgin. FML

By Anonymous - 13/7/2020 02:04

Life imitates art

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Today, it's the first day in 14 weeks I've got dressed up and gone out anywhere other than to go food shopping. Shame it’s to attend a funeral. FML

By nja - 12/7/2020 23:01

Socializing

920

Today, I'm stuck in quarantine and my friends are planning stuff like swimming without me in our group chat, instead of doing it in another chat group. It's like I don't even exist. FML

By Anonymous - 12/7/2020 20:01

A ghost

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Today, I woke up at night to go to the toilet. My Dad was doing his thing with the toilet door wide open. I saw, screamed at the top of my lungs and peed my pants in horror. Now my throat hurts and I'm too embarrassed to look at him. FML

By Anonymous - 12/7/2020 17:01

Night terrors

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Today, tired of my husband complaining that my food was basic and bland, I went out of my way to learn to cook using new recipes and fresh ingredients. He complained that I took too long to make dinner, and that the food is "fancied up shit." He can cook his own meals now. FML

By cook for yourself dammit! - 12/7/2020 14:01

Kitchen Nightmares

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Today, I was laying with my cat when someone set off a firework next to my window. Now I have stitches and a bed covered in blood. FML

By Elizabeth Ann - 12/7/2020 08:01

Boom!

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Today, while I was playing football with a friend, my sister wanted to join in. She was messing around with the ball at the start, then suddenly she kicked the ball through my legs, pulled my shorts down and kneed me in the nuts. FML

By Anonymous - 12/7/2020 05:01

Vicious and unprovoked

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Today, I had my hair done for the first time in 3 years. I loved it. My boyfriend told me I look like his ex. FML

By hannieannie - 12/7/2020 02:02

His type

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Today, I took my dog out for his walk, only to find out that I had an extra bra hanging vertically out of my pants. Thankfully, the only person who saw me was the maintenance guy, who looked very confused, so I just smiled at him. I had no idea why, I only realized when the wind blew it against my leg and I saw my shadow. FML

By Anonymous - 11/7/2020 23:06

Dangling modifier

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Today, I realized my boyfriend is a little too much like my ex, who passed away 6 years ago. Some days, it's as if I'm dating his personality doppleganger. FML

By Anonymous - 11/7/2020 20:01

Twinned

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Today, I live on the second floor and my neighbor from below banged on my door, telling me I sounded like a giant elephant and needed to learn to be quiet. I was eating ice cream in bed. I also live alone. FML

By Anonymous - 11/7/2020 17:02

Everybody needs good neighbours

1107

Today, at work I was sitting on the toilet and a coworker came in and yelled, “That sounded like a big one!” and wouldn't leave until I left came out of the stall. FML

By Anonymous - 11/7/2020 14:01

Office world is hell

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Today, I found out that my 'dad', the man who couldn't afford to buy me a bed, despite sleeping on the floor for 3+ years, has spent well over $3000 on sex chat lines, as well as cheating us out of child payments. He doesn't understand why I refuse to talk to him. FML

By littl3storm - 11/7/2020 08:08

Dad of the month

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Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend, he had his head on my chest and we both fell asleep. Suddenly, I woke up by my boyfriend biting my nipple, hard, in his sleep. I now need to go to the pharmacy because of a bleeding nipple. FML

By Alwayspotato - 11/7/2020 05:02

Bittie

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Today, I was in an Uber with a friend I hadn't seen in 7 years. I was just catching her up on my daily life when my Uber driver decided to chime into our conversation and kindly inform me that: "[I] should be a stand-up comedian." He literally thought my life was a joke. FML

By chap - 11/7/2020 02:01

Monetize your shit life

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Today, my fiancé and I decided to just have a small wedding and have a big reception later, out of concern for everyone’s health and safety. My mother won’t stop asking us, “What’s the point now?” I thought our marriage was the point. FML

By Anonymous - 10/7/2020 23:01

Covid 19 ain't going anywhere

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Today, my long distance boyfriend sent me a Snap of him fucking another girl. When he realized he'd sent it to me, he called me, trying to explain, "it's not what it looks like. It was meant for the boys." Two days ago, I made plans to visit him. Guess who's out money and single. FML

By Anonymous - 10/7/2020 20:02

My ex the dumbass

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Today, just like at every gynecologist's appointment in the last 5 years, I had to yet again explain that no, I'm not a virgin at 27 because I'm waiting till marriage, I'm just a loser that no-one wants to sleep with. FML

By foreveralone - 10/7/2020 17:04

Waiting for that special someone

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Today, I haven’t been camping since I was a kid. I decided to give it another shot. I bought all the best equipment, researched all the great locations, planned a whole weekend. Turns out I still fucking hate camping and now I’m out over $400. FML

By not outdoorsy - 10/7/2020 14:02

The call of the wild

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Today, my company published "return to work" procedures for when the pandemic stops. HQ is in Maryland, I live in Arizona. I have worked remotely for the last 8 years. My new boss didn't know this. He wants me to move back to Maryland or find another job. FML

By fml9124 - 10/7/2020 08:01

Unreasonable

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Today, a woman I’ve liked for years falsely claimed to be strung out on crystal meth rather than just turning me down. FML

By Anonymous - 10/7/2020 05:00

High on emotion

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Today, my mom fought with me again for missing an "important" 4th of July family barbecue. I was working until the morning, finishing grad school applications. There are always family events, and also apparently my brother missing the same barbecue to party with friends is perfectly fine. FML

By Anonymous - 10/7/2020 02:02

Higher standards

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