Your everyday life stories

134

Today, I was going to record a song I wrote for my dad, who I haven't spoke to in a couple of years. After getting things together, I called my mom to let her know I'd be doing this. She informed me he died. A year ago. FML

By Gore - 18/6/2019 21:13 - United States - Kansas City

425

Today, my boss wanted to talk to me. Nervous, I went to her office. Turns out that my coworkers talk about me behind my back, and my boss is worried about me. Apparently, I lie about my bad knees, and me wearing black leggings is horrible. Most of them wear sweatpants on a daily basis. FML

By Umwhat - 19/6/2019 02:01

466

Today, I had my first sexual experience since going through a rough break up a month ago. The guy finished after 60 seconds of a blow job and then didn’t return the favor. FML

By kenken5 - 19/6/2019 01:51

491

Today, for the third time, my boyfriend called his dog by my name. FML

By Anonymous - 19/6/2019 00:04

474

Today, at my father's funeral, a stranger tried to grab me. When I held out my hand, she mugged exaggerated hurt and shrieked, "You DON'T want a HUG?" My awful aunt then guffawed, "She had her hand out! She thought she was gonna shake hands!" to get the crowd to laugh at me. At my father's funeral. FML

By BloodyButUnbowed - 18/6/2019 22:17

706

Today, I went to work at my new job, where I thought it would be super easy because I shop there all the time, and already know where everything is. Turns out, they're remodelling the store, so I don't know where anything is anymore, and the bosses get mad at me for being too slow. FML

By Morgan Jones - 18/6/2019 20:08

624

161

By Alan - 18/6/2019 18:00

FML's Favorite Funny and Dumb One-Star Reviews!

People like to review things. Sometimes even when they haven't experienced them. Here's a selection of the best of the worst online...

Today, my 2-year-old woke up from her nap with a full diaper, then decided to climb down from her bed and got stuck under the railing, leaving a stinky trail of poop everywhere. FML

By Carolina R-h - 18/6/2019 16:30

721

Today, I discovered that pictures really make a person look more attractive than they really are. Besides the downgrade in attraction, we got to spend the next two hours playing an awkward game of 20 questions. This from a guy that wanted nudes right away. So much for online charm. FML

By Anonymous - 18/6/2019 14:29

Tonight, on First Dates…

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359

Today, I was in a public toilet taking a dump. I then noticed someone trying to peep under the door, so I kicked them in the head as hard as I could. Turned out it was a 5-year-old looking for his parent. FML

By Anonymous - 18/6/2019 06:44

1119

810

Today, I'm in my mid-twenties and just learned that I still start crying in confusing situations. I found this out by getting the wrong train in a foreign country, and then having the conductor come and tell me my ticket was only valid for the other direction. FML

By Anonymous - 18/6/2019 03:10

1115

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Today, after sending and receiving hundreds of hints, I mustered up the courage to ask my best friend out. He completely ignored my words, and went on to tell me all about his mother's intestinal bug. FML

By RheaDitto - 18/6/2019 01:08

1197

125

Today, I tried keeping a surprise secret from my fiance. Turns out, under the influence of my sleeping tablets, which after I take them, I forget everything I've said, I spilled the beans. So much for the surprise. FML

By Emmz91 - 17/6/2019 23:03

1074

184

Today, I'd finished cleaning the interior of my vehicle, but seconds later, a stray cat jumped in through the other opened door, and took a dump right in the center of the mat inside. FML

By Anonymous - 17/6/2019 20:48

1250

107

Today, I woke up with my face flying at the wall. A muscle spasm had caused me to pop out of bed. I'm now dealing with a concussion and sprained neck, thanks to an almost physically impossible feat. FML

By alycion - 17/6/2019 19:07

1154

Today, after my boyfriend broke up with me and I'd chained-smoked all night, I had a driving test. With only 3 hours of sleep, I literally drove through a red light during the test. FML

By kk- - 17/6/2019 17:05

524

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Today, the worst part about not having a sense of smell is that I can’t tell if anyone ate pizza without me. Unless I see an empty box in the trash. FML

By Nosmie - 17/6/2019 15:03

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Today, well into my second year at university, I still haven't made a single friend. FML

By Lonely At Griffith - 17/6/2019 13:02

1377

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Today, I was telling my fiancée about my Hashimoto's symptoms when my MIL to-be said, "You must be drinking too much alcohol. My aunt had a goiter and it only swelled when she drank, usually bourbon or beer." She then walked out of the room, perfectly content with her "diagnosis." FML

By Goiter - 17/6/2019 01:00 - United States - Fort Washington

1232

Today, after taking care not to hurt myself during my workout, I injured my shoulder extricating myself from my sports bra. FML

By metalmeow - 17/6/2019 05:00

1270

134

Today, as a truck driver, I was flipped off, cursed at, told to go to hell and several other obscenities because I was a half-hour EARLY to my delivery. FML

By Turbo - 17/6/2019 02:23

1447

108

Today, I received a tip in Monopoly money. FML

By boardwalk the fuck out of my resturaunt - 17/6/2019 00:01 - Netherlands - Amsterdam

1412

Today, I sent a sexy text to my husband while he waited for a flight home at the airport. This was his response. FML

By Nav - 16/6/2019 22:00

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Today, I spent five minutes shaking a bowl of Jello because it looked cool. FML

By Ashley Youngman - 16/6/2019 20:04

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By Mystic Alan - 16/6/2019 18:00

FML's Weekly Horoscope - 16th of June 2019

Find out what bullshit the asshole stars and planets have in store for you this week!

Today, I was holding the ladder while my husband was in the attic, and I let out a silent fart, thinking he wouldn't notice. A minute later, he complained of the dreadful smell and told me he was checking for a dead animal. FML

By Ohdear - 16/6/2019 15:08 - United Kingdom - Leeds

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Today, I was teaching a small group of improv students. I asked one guy to do a monologue, and laughed to myself while he did so. I said, "Sorry, I'm just laughing at the way you're doing it." He then got upset and pointed out that he had a speech impediment. FML

By ImprovTeacher - 16/6/2019 14:05

542

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By Alan - 16/6/2019 12:31

FML celebrates our dads, the everyday heroes.

It's Father's Day. Let's let them bask in the glory of doing things people have been doing since forever.

Today, I received my first customer complaint. It said, "I am a regular customer and when I come in, he is always smiling and tells me he will see me soon when I leave. This makes me feel very uncomfortable." Now I'm under investigation for sexual harassment. FML

By Raspution - 16/6/2019 04:42

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