FML : Your everyday life stories

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Today, I texted my friend, "Hey Bro, wanna get KFC" but my f'ing phone auto-corrected to "afro, wanna get KFC". My friend is black. FML

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By Mushman - / Tuesday 19 March 2019 02:00 /

Today I was finally able to get to sleep after a long weekend of being violently ill. I’m talking couldn’t even hold down water. Any way I finally get into a good sleep for the first time in 24 hours. I’m even dreaming! Then a telemarketer calls me and I can’t get back to sleep. FML

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By - / Tuesday 19 March 2019 00:00 /

Today, is 2 days away from my 4 year anniversary with my bf. It is also the 16th day of my period... it doesn’t seem to be slowing down at all. Thanks Birth control... FML

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By Sasay - / Monday 18 March 2019 22:00 /

Today, I've reached a level of tired I didn't think was possible. I've had less than 3 hours sleep in the last 72 hours and have not slept more than 20 minutes each stretch because my newborn is so unsettled. The baby has been peacefully sleeping for the last 3 hours and I can't sleep. FML

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By - / Wednesday 23 January 2019 02:31 / New Zealand - Palmerston North

Today, after a 3 month dry spell cause I have been recovering after having a baby, I was finally in the mood to get intimate with my husband. Foreplay was great, the sex was great; until my back gave out right as I was about to cum. I can't move without intense pain. I just wanted to orgasm! FML

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By - / Tuesday 19 March 2019 06:00 / New Zealand - Palmerston North

Today, after feeling sick all day at work, my shift was about to end. 20 minutes till I was able to clock out some kid pukes all over herself in the playground. FML

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By "fraz206" / Monday 18 March 2019 16:00 /

Today, I accidentally farted really loud. My 4 year old Brother heard me and started crying and stopped talking to me for a whole hour. Now he tells everyone about that time his sister farted. FML

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By "deerling" / Monday 18 March 2019 06:00 / United States - Phoenix

Today is Christmas Day and I received my test results via email: Invasive Cancer. Yesterday, my husband of 30 years asked for a divorce. FML

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By lulu - / Monday 18 March 2019 04:00 / United States - Federal Way

Today, I was taking the bus home from work. I went to pull the cord to request a stop when the driver slammed on the breaks to avoid running a red light, causing me to get thrown out of my seat and slide down the aisle and hit my head on a pole by the front of the bus. FML

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By HateTheBus - / Monday 18 March 2019 02:00 /

Today, on my birthday, I tried to be a good girlfriend by making sure my boyfriend of 3 years alarms were set for work on his phone. Noticed he’s back to talking to his ex as the messenger bubble had her face in it.. He was asking for boob pictures...FML

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By Lola987 - / Monday 18 March 2019 00:00 /

Today, my roommate invited her brother over to drink. Neither can handle their drink and her brother is a sympathy spewer. He’s not my guest but I had to clean up vomit until 4 in the morning. FML

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By notsick - / Sunday 17 March 2019 22:00 /

Today my supervisor told me off for doing something. When I reminded her that she told me to do it, she yelled at me for correcting her. FML

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By Anonymous - / Sunday 17 March 2019 20:00 /

Today I took my dogs to the off leash dog park as usual. Today some dick decided to feed my pup alcohol while I was cleaning up after my other dog. Now my pup is sick and the vet is worried he may not survive. FML

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By Sady_Ct / Sunday 17 March 2019 18:00 /

Today, I met this girl and we ended up having sex at her place. She decided to give me some head underneath the cover, it really was great until her Garfield sized cat decided to jump on her head and make her choke on it. Guess who got kicked out in the middle of the night for being too reckless. FML

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By "baow" - / Sunday 17 March 2019 16:00 / Sweden

Today, I met this girl on a party and things were going really well. We ended up getting it on in my room and I was about to do my thing after confidently have had bragging the whole night that I was the inspiration of the 50 shades of Grey series. Well guess who got a whiskey dick. FML

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By "baow" / Sunday 17 March 2019 14:00 /

Today, I have been off my medication to control diarrhea because I have surgery tomorrow and I’m not allowed to take it. I have constant diarrhea now & can’t take any medicine. Surgery will be messy...FML

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By FullOfShit - / Sunday 17 March 2019 12:00 /

Today, I found out I didn't get accepted into a program I was nominated to attend at work that all other applicants with less experience than myself did. I found out when they asked if I had gotten the acceptance email. They didn't even bother telling me I was rejected. FML

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By WorkerBee - / Sunday 17 March 2019 02:00 /

Today, I was preparing my raw meat with tire grease. Literally. My girlfriend replaced my teriyaki sauce with tire grease, because, she later told me, she had sex with my best friend. FML

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By desertboi69 - / Saturday 16 March 2019 16:00 / United States - Ridgecrest

Today we tried to have sex for the first time but I got so excited my blood pressure shot up and I got a nosebleed that didn't fully stop for nearly 30 minutes. Then when we tried again she accidentally headbutted me. The new bleeding still hasn't stopped and I'm feeling very lightheaded. FML

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By too dumb for sex - / Saturday 16 March 2019 22:00 /

Today my girlfriend and her 3 friends walked in on me doing a solo performance on myself. They stood their quietly and videoed it unknown to me. And then afterwards laughed and made fun of how small I am. And to make it worse forwarded the video to everyone. Now everyone calls me shrimp. FML

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By Shrimpy - / Saturday 16 March 2019 20:00 /

Today in class I accidentally called my teacher very old and almost dead. As we were discussing a book I said that the book character is very old and close to death since it fitted to the context. Turns out this character is one year younger than my teacher and she wasn't amused. FML

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By Talkingbeforethinking - / Saturday 16 March 2019 18:00 /

Today, my wife who knows I am attracted to women with long hair -just like 95% of men-, instead of growing her hair long, she said she is going to stop being friends with any women who have long hair because she does not want me to be attracted to them. FML

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By Anonymous - / Saturday 16 March 2019 16:00 /

Today, My girlfriend dumped me because of a game... No that because I was playing the game... Cause she got addicted to a game and decided that the game was more important than our relationship. FML

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By - / Saturday 16 March 2019 09:00 / United States - Augusta

Today, I sharted while skiing - wearing a bib outfit and no change of clothing. FML

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By Mushman - / Saturday 16 March 2019 12:00 /

Today, MLK Jr. Day, I was told that since my other co workers are on vacation, I have to be at work Today. No one else is at work Today...or on any other holiday. Also I am the only black person at my office. The irony, FML

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By ProExist - / Friday 15 March 2019 21:00 / United States

Today I was trying to show off to my mother about how much detail I placed into my group project that I had to do tomorrow. I then proceeded to delete the project thinking that I was just removing it from my phone.... Everyone's research and my 3 day's of hard work went with it. FML.

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By JL. - / Saturday 16 March 2019 00:00 /

Today, my roommate has been gone for the 2nd day in a row, not telling me how long he will be gone, abadoning his dog, forcing me to take care of it. His dog is 3 years old and not even remotely house trained. FML

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By Ihatethisdog - / Friday 15 March 2019 22:00 /

Today, I found out that not only did I pay for my wife’s overseas trip to see her brother but for the side trip to bang some guy half my age. FML.

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By MrGullible / Friday 15 March 2019 18:00 /

Today a co-worker who lives 30 minutes out of my way had broken down so I picked him up and we were both 5 minutes late and both got fired. Our department takes 30-60 minutes to even start running. FML

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By "Jester94752" - / Friday 15 March 2019 16:00 /

I was masturbating while watching porn. Since I was home alone I wasn't worried about being loud. My best friend walked into my house, saw me, and he watched for a couple minutes before making his presence known by saying "nice" with a grin on his face.

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By "cperagui" / Friday 15 March 2019 14:00 /

FML

Nearly

Today I arrived in Tokyo and went to stay overnight in a teeny airport cabin hotel with shared bathroom facilities. I used the little wicker baskets to...

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Today, after months of finishing off my husband with a BJ every time we have sex, he informed me that he has a lot of resentment building up towards me...

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World

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Canada

Today, my girlfriend kept texting me while I was at work, insisting for hours that I leave early because she was so horny. After arguing with my boss and...

Australia

Today, I asked the guy of my dreams out to the cinema. After saying to me "It's a date!" I started booking tickets. He said, "Why are you booking two?"...

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Photos

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Spicy

Today I found out why my inlaws hate me so much. Apparently my husband told his brother, who then told the entire family, he caught me cheating a while...

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Today, I slashed my ass open with a shard of glass. How? I was making out with my crush, and threw my glasses on the ground. I forgot about them when we...

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