Today, I found out my boyfriend of 6 years and fiancé has been secretly dating and hooking up with my step-sister behind my back. Now she's pregnant. FML
Today, my family and my fiancée's family met each other and my worst fear came true. My asshole dad found out my fiancée's dad is a reverend and his first sentence was, "How's the molestation business these days?" It didn't take long before a brawl erupted and we were kicked out. I'm cutting him off for good. FML
Today, I decided to bring down a very old fan from the attic. I plugged it in, and as soon as I turned it on, tiny spiders were blown all over my room. FML
Today, I went shooting with my dad and he brought his grandfather's rifle with him. I’ve never shot it before and he told me to be careful with it. The bullet exploded, ruptured the barrel, cut my face, and made me deaf in one ear. Dad still blamed me for “not shooting it properly.” FML
Today, I lied to my father. I told him I got money yesterday. In fact, I just got fired yesterday. I kept a really happy jolly voice when I spoke to him on the phone. FML
Today, my husband was concerned about our son using the Internet, so he told him a story about a kid who gave out his personal information and was kidnapped and killed by a maniac. Now our son is scared to use anything with a screen. FML
Today, while at work, my boss asked me to clean the bathroom. Someone had pooped on the floor and I stepped in it, dropping my manager's keys into the toilet. I then had to clean up my shoe and the floor, and put my hand in the toilet to get the keys. FML
Today, I heard my boyfriend on the phone to his brother saying that he didn’t know what it was, but he felt like he’d had a really good weekend, and he was feeling much less stressed. I’ve been giving him the silent treatment since we argued Friday morning. Guess I know why he had a good weekend. FML
Today, I was making dinner when the smoke alarm started going off. I opened all the windows and stood there waving a towel at it like an idiot. Then I realized that the alarm was coming from the apartment next door. FML
Today, my aunt asked me to bring photos to a family dinner, so I put them all on a USB stick. After dinner, everyone sat around the TV while I plugged it in. The first photo that appeared was a screenshot of my ex's most recent Instagram story. FML
Today, I got tased, with the same TASER I bought my girlfriend to use on people trying to rob her. FML
Today, I went to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription and waited in line for fifteen minutes. When I got to the counter, the pharmacist couldn't find my name anywhere. I checked my phone and realized I'd gone to the wrong branch. FML
Today, my brain deleted the words "chicken tenders" mid-shift. I started falling apart and hysterically crying. The cook could see that I was falling apart, jumped in to help. I pulled my s*** together to help the next customer who saw it all happen. They all now think I'm mentally ill, but it was so scary I couldn't talk for whole moment. FML
Today, my husband is not talking to me because he was happy with the two children we had, but I had major baby fever and spent a year talking him into having just one more baby, and the ultrasound just showed I’m having triplets. FML
Today, my boss phoned me and asked me why I wasn't at work. I was in the staff room. I'd said hello to her as I came in the door. FML
Today, I clicked on an “Angel Message” website link from a website I use to research Wicca. As I am a witch with 7 years experience, I knew this was too good to be true, but thought it would just be good for a laugh. Turns out it was a scam website. FML
Today, our entire department got the official email that we were fired, in the middle of the pizza party we were all given in lieu of the bonus we should have gotten for exceeding our targets for this quarter. FML
Today, it was the birth of my first child but it's been anything but a happy time because just a couple of days ago, my wife lost four relatives in a single day (both of her siblings, her father, and grandmother). Neither of us are excited about today at all. FML
Today, I got to spend the entire day shopping for lingerie with the man of my dreams. He bought everything I'd ever wanted and more! Too bad it was for another woman. FML
Today, I watched four episodes of Frasier at my mom’s house and now my algorithm is all Frasier facts and memes. FML
Today, I was written up at work because I took off my badge. While I was putting on a sweater for this cold weather. FML
Today, a girl I’m going out with asked me, “Where is this going?” I told her to just go with the flow and that I didn’t believe in titles. Later that night she posts an Instagram story of her on a date. I texted her about it and she said, “Why are you mad? You said you don’t believe in titles.” FML
Today, while watching The Many Adventures of Winnie-the-Pooh with my 5 year-old, I realized why the kangaroo's name is Kanga, and why her son's name is Roo. Kanga-Roo. Get it? Yeah. I didn't until today. I'm 47. FML
Today, I told my girlfriend that I think the concept of marriage is ridiculous and that it’s just being boyfriend/girlfriend with a fancier title. She packed all her things and moved out immediately. Now I can’t afford rent without her and have no idea what I’m going to do. FML
Today, my boss is such an evil evil woman that this morning when a neighbour a few doors up started drilling something, I peed a little in fright because I though it was my phone vibrating from her ringing to ask me to work the weekend. I had to change my pyjamas. Does this count as PTSD? FML
Today, I brought my new girlfriend home for dinner. My mom was being unusually quiet, so I thought she was trying to be polite. After dinner, she pulled me aside and asked why I'd never mentioned that my girlfriend had dated my brother. Apparently everyone knew except me. FML
Today, I put my laundry into the machine before work and came home eight hours later. The clothes were still sitting there, completely dry. I'd forgotten to turn the machine on. Somehow that felt worse than forgetting the laundry altogether. FML
Today, someone put a whole packet of glitter on the blades of my ceiling fan. Too bad I only noticed when I turned it on. FML
Today, I spent the day cleaning my apartment because my parents are visiting on Monday. I finally finished at midnight and went to bed exhausted. Then my mother called to say they couldn't make it after all. FML
Today, thanks to my wife, our 11 year-old daughter is completely obsessed with serial killers, cults, and true crime. My wife thinks it’s funny and harmless; meanwhile I’m legitimately worried about our child’s mental health. FML
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