The best jokes about life

Today, I found out I only exist because my parents hated each other. They both worked in the same office and despised each other, until they had a hate-fuck in a storeroom after a blazing argument, resulting in me. I exist due to sex fuelled by hatred and lust. Yay me. FML

By Anonymous - 30/8/2021 09:01

All you need is hate

131

Today, as someone with a large chest, I'm used to sometimes finding food in my clothes at the end of the day. However, when I took off my bra off, I found half of a dead grasshopper. FML

By Anonymous - 29/8/2021 23:01 - United States - Austin

Where d'you come from?

200

Today, I found out I’m pregnant with the man I’ve been in love with for almost a year. When I told him, he got down on one knee, cuddled my abdomen and said, "Get out." FML

By Anonymous - 30/8/2021 03:01

Cryptic reaction

329

Today, the guy I have been going out with for six months cheated on me with the only girl I hate the most in the world. That girl ruined my previous relationship too. FML

By Anonymous - 30/8/2021 03:31 - India - Delhi

High school drama

448

Today, I told my mom I was with my female friend last night, because I wasn't ready to tell her about my new boyfriend. I didn't realize he gave me a hickey and now my whole family thinks I'm a lesbian. They won't stop making fun of me. FML

By Imnotfromhere - 29/8/2021 23:01

The truth will set you free

201

377

Today, I added the wrong reaction to a Facebook post, using the laughing smiley instead of the hug, and only noticed two hours later, when my friend wouldn't talk to me because she thought I like found the fact that her dog died funny. FML

By Steven - 29/8/2021 20:01 - Canada

Treacherous smileys

398

121

Today, my funny, handsome, intelligent, caring, all around awesome boyfriend and I broke up. He introduced me to his fetish and wanted me to participate. His fetish? Dressing, talking, and acting like a baby. He wanted us to both wear diapers and pretend to be babies together. Fuck that noise. FML

By no way! - 29/8/2021 17:01

Kinkshaming

725

102

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend, since we weren't getting along. When I got home, I remembered that today is his birthday. Him and all our friends now think I'm a total bitch. FML

By Katie - 29/8/2021 14:01 - United Kingdom

The gift that keeps on giving

158

886

Today, I was telling my dad that scientists had discovered a new sea creature. He said it was all BS and that scientists just make things up to cover conspiracies. I'm a biological sciences major. FML

By anon - this FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Costa Mesa

Things ain't changed much

22743

1710

Today, a tile slid off the roof and knocked me out as I was fetching my mail. Apparently, I lay there for a while with the wind blowing my dressing gown up, flashing my bare ass to the neighbourhood. People took pictures, but no one thought to check I was alive, not even my kids. FML

By Anonymous - 29/8/2021 11:01

Roofing

780

Today, I learned that my 18-year-old son has had more sexual partners together at one time than I've had separately in total in my life. FML

By baldiesmom - 29/8/2021 08:01

My kid, the playa

574

102

Today, my dad trusted me to go driving by myself in his car. I foolishly celebrated by doing a jump heel click, landed awkwardly, threw my hand out to stop myself falling, and scraped the whole bunch of keys down the driver's door. He trusted me for like 3 seconds and I blew it. FML

By Anonymous - 29/8/2021 06:01

Trust

184

879

Today, my family finally noticed my depression because of how quiet, down and uninterested I’ve been. They responded by harassing me for saying nothing, calling me names, and making fun of me. Hmm, I wonder why I’m depressed. FML

By OP. - 29/8/2021 12:01 - Australia - Collaroy

Support system

664

Today, my colleague pointed out with a disgusted look on his face that I'm wearing 90s clothes again. Just like every time he sees me. What does he mean by 90s clothes? Jeans. Literally any pair of jeans. FML

By Anonymous - 29/8/2021 02:01

Distressed

617

Today, I excitedly went to check this week's paycheck, only to see that I only received $9.00. This isn't a mistake, this is really what I make. FML

By Anonymous - 28/8/2021 18:01 - Canada - Burlington

9 to 5, what a way to not make a living

608

102

Today, our neighbors have the most beautiful garden, with hundreds of crocuses in spring. Actually, that was our former neighbors. The new owners have since dug up all the flower bulbs, thrown them out, and replaced them with some lovely decorations made of old car tires. FML

By Anonymous - 28/8/2021 22:00

There goes the neighborhood

625

Today, I woke up at 2 a.m. and ate some chips that were on my nightstand, totally unaware that they were covered in ants. Now I have two swollen lips and my kid’s birthday party is tomorrow. FML

By Anonymous - 28/8/2021 13:59 - United States

Chip on your shoulder

261

767

Today, I was cleaning out the garage and found one of my old science fair projects. It was disqualified for outside help and cheating. I didn't do either. FML

By Anonymous - 28/8/2021 12:01 - United States

Opening old wounds

659

Today, my friends held a roast for my birthday, as per my request. They went pretty hard and I got a little uncomfortable. Afterwards, I told them that their jokes were a little too far, and they said all of their roasts were 100% genuine, and they just needed an excuse to tell me their problems with me. FML

By WhoNeedsFriends - 28/8/2021 10:01 - United States - Staten Island

You can't handle the truth!

257

1111

Today, I've been in lockdown for so long, I got turned on by washing carrots. FML

By Anonymous - 28/8/2021 13:59

Covidiots just wanna have fun

551

132

Today, an attractive guy asked me to get coffee with him. My response was, "I don't drink coffee." I turned down the first guy to ask me out in 3 months. FML

By sierra - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Social anxiety wins again

9757

41728

Today, he’s the worst backseat driver ever: first he demands I drive more slowly, then when I swerve slightly because he startled me, he promptly admonishes me to stay in my lane. "He"? Well, he’s not actually a person. He’s my very high-tech rental car, who won’t shut up. FML

By Anonymous - 28/8/2021 10:00

Backseat drivers

560

205

Today, I got dumped, but not before he swindled me out of my savings. This done by my sweetheart from 16 years ago, whom I reunited with when he called me 7 months ago. I had no reason not to trust him, his brother has been one of my BFFs for 20 years. Now I'm not only broke, but heartbroken, and have nowhere to go. FML

By Anonymous - 28/8/2021 08:00

Swindling

757

138

Today, I cycled to the office in my new uniform pants. When I arrived an hour later, my sweat had already soaked through them. FML

By buyouyou - 28/8/2021 12:01 - China - Beijing

Cyclist's drip

268

636

Today, after having a fight with my BFF, she invited me to come along to a party. I found out later that she'd only invited me so that when returning from the event, we could take a taxi and split the cost. FML

By The One - 28/8/2021 05:01 - Turkey - Istanbul

Useful friends

450

Today, at my gender reveal party, my daughter threw a huge temper tantrum and knocked over tables and chairs screaming, “Fuck this shit!” when the reveal came out pink. She’s five. FML

By PartyPoop - 28/8/2021 02:00

Revealed

302

877

Today, I was feeling pretty cute in a black dress. Apparently, that makes me "emo" and an "online dater". FML

By Anonymous - 27/8/2021 16:00 - Canada - Calgary

Assumptions

594

Today, I spent 5 hours working on emails for work in a desperate attempt to get back on top of my task list. Having written about 45 emails waiting in my outbox to go out first thing Monday morning, Outlook has "stopped responding". I might've just lost them all and worked through the day for nothing. FML

By SonjaPea - 27/8/2021 21:01 - United Kingdom - Stevenage

Mission: Do it all over

675

111

Today, I was supposed to be a bridesmaid at my friend's wedding. Instead, I'm bedridden with the effects of fibromyalgia. When I called my friend to let her know I wouldn't be making it, her response was, "Can't you get fiber-malgia some other time and hurry the fuck up and come? This place charges by the hour." FML

By GiannyLuv - 27/8/2021 20:01

Congratulations

928

132