The best jokes about life

Today, my psychotic ex-boyfriend hit a brand new low. I was served court papers, saying that he’s suing me by demanding I give him a paternity test for my daughter. He’s also telling everyone he’s her real father. He and I were broken up for more than a year before I even got pregnant. FML

By what the actual fuck?! - 2/8/2021 07:01 - United States

Exes from hell

176

Today, my mom is trying to be quiet, thinking me asleep. This means she will whisper to the dogs in the upstairs hallway, then quietly go downstairs where she will bang the doors so hard the house shakes. Apparently, she thinks each floor is in its own separate dimension. FML

By Anonymous - 2/8/2021 14:01 - Germany - Ebersbach

Shifting

191

Today, my mother who learned English as an adult sent an email to my boss, thanking them for hiring me even though I'm "retarded." I’m a law school graduate who was diagnosed with a minor learning disability in kindergarten, but she still calls me "retarded" when speaking English. FML

By Jan - 2/8/2021 13:01

Language barrier

268

Today, while watching the Olympics, my father found it completely necessary to make a farting sound every single time an athlete jumps or bends over. This will be a very long few weeks. FML

By joleezad5 - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Nixa

Same joke, different year

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2407

Today, I got a lecture from my mother about how bad my stress has been, how I have to treat myself better and do something with my life. She still doesn't realize that most of the cause of my stress has been from her berating me about how stressed out I am. FML

By Anonymous - 2/8/2021 02:01 - United States - Floral Park

The root

333

Today, it appears I’m allergic. My stomach inflates like a soccer ball and produces terrible gas, and I really don’t feel so good in general. What am I allergic to? Summertime. Every year. FML

By Anonymous - 2/8/2021 06:01 - Germany - Ebersbach

Heatwave

321

Today, my love life comes down to a choice in loneliness: I can either be alone, because I never meet anyone these days, let alone an interesting guy. Or, I can go back to my ex, who I left because he made me feel alone while sitting right next to him. FML

By Anonymous - 2/8/2021 04:01

Sophie's Choice

344

Today, my sister outed me to my very conservative parents as retaliation for not taking her to get McDonald’s at 2 a.m. last night. My mom gave me an ultimatum, either "stop the lesbian shit" or get the fuck out of her house. My sister smirked through the whole thing. FML

By Gayafnow - 2/8/2021 02:01

Cruel

705

Today, I woke up and wished I hadn’t. I’m broke, tired, hungry and sick of my family, who is rich by the way, not even contributing a penny to help me from being evicted. Oh, and I lost my job last week. FML

By Anonymous - 2/8/2021 00:01

Blood is thicker than a dollar bill

418

211

Today, my son-in-law's parents were saying it was a shame our kids are so busy working they have to babysit all day 4 days a week. Me and my wife babysit 3 days a week, which is when we realised our kids have basically tricked us 4 grandparents into raising their baby all week, including weekends. FML

By Anonymous - 1/8/2021 22:01

You got played

599

114

Today, I went to a music festival with my boyfriend and ran into his female bestie. She refused to say “Hello”, looked at me up and down, and made passive-aggressive remarks under her breath. After a while of us three hanging out, she stormed off and told him, "We’ll talk about this later, call me." FML

By Festivalgal - 1/8/2021 20:01

Festival spirit

653

Today, I came home early from work and walked in on my husband in bed with his two young female "bible study students" from his church. Now I remember why he explicitly said to never interrupt his, "Sunday School Studies" with them. FML

By Anonymous - 1/8/2021 18:01

Sinning is winning

803

Today, I learned that I actually like my boiled eggs a bit softer than I usually make them. I also learned that an outwardly lukewarm egg, when bitten into enthusiastically, is perfectly capable of creating a volcanic eruption of boiling hot yolk all over your hands, clothes and kitchen. FML

By Anonymous - 1/8/2021 16:01

"Eruption" by Van Halen time

388

243

Today, my boyfriend told me he doesn't like having sex with me, because I get too wet and it makes him go limp. FML

By Anonymous - 1/8/2021 14:01

Wet noodle

727

Today, I received a call from my husband of 10 years from prison. He sobbed on the phone as he explained to me that his anger got the best of him, and couldn’t control himself. He beat the pulp out of a classmate of his for declining a date with him, and sent her to the hospital. FML

By dididikaisik - 1/8/2021 05:01 - United States

Nice husband you've got there…

880

Today, I had to wrap presents for a cat. FML

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Happy Birthday!

26270

7642

Today, I have a friend who has consumed almost every known drug in our country, but refuses to get the Covid vaccine, claiming that, "it contains the 5G, and I won't let them control me." FML

By Nico - 1/8/2021 01:01

The pandemic is far from over

637

Today, I’m so ugly, I had to pay for more likes on Tinder because I ran out of them. FML

By your_uglyness - 1/8/2021 05:59

That's their goal

392

215

Today, my new boyfriend is so scared of dogs that he won’t even go in the room where my new puppy's bed is, so even on the days when he’s at home not working, I still have to pay the lad next door to come round and let it into the garden for a pee, because he’s too scared to open the door. FML

By Anonymous - 1/8/2021 04:01

Cynophobia

369

497

Today, I had to tell my adult daughter that living in a pigsty house, breastfeeding when she can be bothered, changing a nappy only once a day, and leaving the baby at any relative's house while she shops is not adequate parenting, and unless she improves, I’m getting social services involved. FML

By Anonymous - 1/8/2021 02:01

Call 'em now

920

Today, my long-term boyfriend and I went on a romantic getaway. In the hotel we were having great sex, I was so close to… and then he farted. FML

By Anonymous - 31/7/2021 23:01 - United Kingdom - London

First time?

522

173

Today, my mother scolded me for having a lighter in my room. My reason I had it? The candle that she bought me for my 25th birthday. I don't even live with her anymore, she showed up uninvited, and started going through my stuff. FML

By Anonymous - 31/7/2021 16:01 - United States

Helicopter

759

Today, I realised how much my family prefer my cousin than me. I love anime/manga, but my family never got involved, so it was very lonely growing up and I was bullied in school for it. Now I'm an adult, my cousin is into it, and they want me to take a interest in her so, "she has someone to talk and isn't lonely." FML

By Anonymous - 31/7/2021 19:01 - United Kingdom - Coventry

Weebs unite!

660

Today, I asked a little old lady in line at my work why she wasn't out enjoying the beautiful day with all her friends. Her response, "I'd love to, but they're all dead." FML

By beckbr - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Lonely days

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29742

Today, I left hospital after suffering a head injury. My neurosurgeon gave my wife a list of potential household changes that needed to be made, otherwise I could have a fatal seizure. We got in the car and she said, "You do realise we aren’t doing a single thing on that bullshit list, right?" FML

By Defeated - 31/7/2021 18:01

Supportive

945

Today, I foolishly asked my dad why he had a disability rail fitted, not in his bathroom next to the toilet, but above his bed instead. He told me that with his bad joints, he needs something to grab onto on Saturday nights while he’s plowing my mom doggy style. FML

By Anonymous - 31/7/2021 16:01

I did your mom

556

430

Today, my boyfriend made me feel like shit because I didn’t feel like going fishing, and compared me to his "fake" friends, even though every day for the past two months, I’ve gone every time he’s asked. But anytime I suggest we do something different, he shuts it down. FML

By Anonymous - 31/7/2021 14:01

Yeet him into Bass Pro Shops

764

Today, I realized how lonely I am when someone called my number by mistake and I talked with them for 5 minutes. I don’t know who she was, but I'm so lonely I was happy to have someone engage in a conversation, even if it was about her calling the wrong number. FML

By Gina Marie Lombardi - 31/7/2021 11:01

Lonely, so lonely

621

Today, I had a panel job interview with 3 people. My nerves got the best of me, especially when they asked me about my weaknesses. I gave them an answer, but they kept bombarding me with additional follow-up questions that I couldn’t think of the answers to. It got so bad, I was reduced to tears. FML

By Driri - 31/7/2021 08:00

Quickfire round

660