The best jokes about life

Today, I have to go to court to contest a bullshit citation I got in the local park. I’m pregnant and was picnicking with my kids when my toddler ran off. I took off after him, leaving my blanket and food. When I came back, the power tripping park ranger wrote me a ticket for littering. FML

By litterbug - 6/7/2021 04:01

Nice day for a picnic

130

Today, my friend is upset with me since I never want to hang out at her house or eat her food. The problem is she has multiple dog beds in her kitchen and a cat litter box under her dining room table. I love her and invite her to hang out other places, but she’s still offended I won’t go to her’s. FML

By eww David - 6/7/2021 02:01

Grossed out

204

Today, my girlfriend and I babysat our neighbors' 10 year-old. After a while, he challenged us to a pillow fight. I opted out, but she accepted. I went to use the bathroom and I came back to find her face down on the floor, as he sat on her back bashing a pillow against her head. What the hell did I miss? FML

By Crushingdefeat - 5/7/2021 18:03 - United States - Staten Island

Pillow Fight Club!

209

Today, my cat had a long dingleberry hanging off his butt. He decided the best way to get rid of it was to freak out and run around the house, shaking shit everywhere. To make it worse, he then licked his still shit covered butt, made a face and promptly threw up. Guess my cat isn’t the brightest. FML

By Lee - 5/7/2021 16:01 - United States

Freak out

275

Today, I was tested positive for Covid-19, after suffering with some of the symptoms of the disease two days ago. Last week, I had to pretend I was infected with it to avoid going to a friend's party, as my ex-girlfriend would be there. Ain't life a bitch? FML

By Mario Hugo - 5/7/2021 20:00

Circular

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522

Today, my grandpa died suddenly. About a month ago, he gifted me a few thousand dollars to buy a used car. My uncle is now demanding I return it, saying I can't prove that my grandfather agreed to it, and that he wants his rightful share of the inheritance. FML

By grieving - 5/7/2021 12:01 - Australia

Today, on Judge Judy…

558

Today, my husband had to admit that he lost 5000$ on a cryptocurrency scam that some asshole Twitch streamer convinced him to invest in via Twitter. FML

By Anonymous - 5/7/2021 16:00

Pump and dump

480

Today, my wife is a tennis fan and is watching Wimbledon. I hate tennis, but she gets in a mood if I suggest we watch anything else. FML

By coolrunnings1021 - 5/7/2021 14:01

Back and forth

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303

Today, what started as an amazing day with hiking, a picnic, more hiking, then a romantic nature walk, ended in a ridiculous screaming match between me and my boyfriend. I only asked him to shower before laying in our bed when we got home, since we were covered in sweat, bug bites and dirt. FML

By dirty boy - 5/7/2021 11:00

I'm just saying…

565

Today, like nearly every morning, I got yelled at by a relative because I got up late. Nearly every night, I lie in bed with anxiety attacks because of her daily insults. I get up late to avoid her, but she decided that I sleep great, which makes her angry. She also gets angry if I get up earlier than her. FML

By Anonymous - 5/7/2021 08:00

Can't win

650

Today, after asking my family to quiet down at a restaurant, my mom told me to go outside. In 100+ degree weather. So I did, and after what seemed like an hour, my family ran out screaming because they thought I'd been kidnapped. I nearly got heatstroke to show my family that sensory overload is real. FML

By Anonymous - 4/7/2021 23:01 - United States - Steele

Hot hot hot

542

135

Today, I can remember enough of a song for it to be stuck in my head, but not enough of it to help me identify the song. FML

By Anonymous - 5/7/2021 04:00

Annoying internal jukebox

528

Today, my boyfriend introduced me as a friend to one of his friends. FML

By Anonymous - 5/7/2021 01:59

Classic

636

Today, I was writing in a journal as part of my therapy. I jumped and hid it when my boyfriend startled me by coming in. He now swears I must be cheating, that I’m keeping secrets from him and I trust a stranger with my personal thoughts more than I trust him. That’s kinda the point of therapy. FML

By not a cheater - 4/7/2021 15:01 - United States

Startled

599

107

Today, on my way to a job interview, I saw a dog running down the road so I stopped to pet it. It was a wolf. FML

By Seth - 4/7/2021 22:01

Shit yourself time

487

355

Today, I woke up to find two pitbulls viciously tearing up my couch. I have never owned a dog and I live alone. FML

By Brad - 4/7/2021 21:59 - United States

Where did you guys come from?

684

Today, as I got out of the shower, my young stepson saw me naked. Later, he asked his mom why my "pee pee" is so small when everyone says it is supposed to get bigger when you become an adult. FML

By Anonymous - 4/7/2021 18:00

FUPA kings

774

Today, after two months of recovering from a sprained ankle, the doctor told me I was fully healed. On the way to my car from the doctor's, I stepped on some leaves, which were covering a small hole. A hole big enough for me to trip on and give me another sprained ankle. FML

By Anonymous - 4/7/2021 16:02

Sprain in the ass

702

Today, I was taking a shower when I noticed the huge spider above my head. Now, being the smart person I am, I sprayed the water up at it, causing it to fall. Right on my face. FML

By Anonymous - 4/7/2021 13:59

He was just chillin'

250

688

Today, my manager made me remove an Eiffel Tower ornament from one of my displays. Not because it didn't look good or match the theme, but because it was "disrespectful" to have it out on the 4th of July. FML

By unpatriotic - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Eugene

Respect Independence Day!

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8090

Today, my alarm clock consisted of my children stomping on my manhood while dumping Froot Loops on my head. FML

By Anonymous - 4/7/2021 10:59

Sunday morning bliss

616

149

Today, I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me when I went to give him a blowjob after he got home and his knob tasted different. It was the other woman’s fanny juice still on him because he hadn’t had a shower yet. So f…ing angry and grossed out right now. FML

By Anonymous - 4/7/2021 07:59

The taste test

1732

119

Today, I was smoking a cigarette outside and kept thinking I saw something moving out of the corner of my eye. I would look and there was nothing there, so I kept brushing it off. Finally I figured out it was an earwig crawling through my hair. FML

By chelseasdead - 4/7/2021 06:01

Creepy Crawly

654

Today, I had a photoshoot planned weeks ago, getting one of the last coveted spots. My boyfriend couldn’t even show up on time. It was a sunrise shoot. We arrived once the sun had been up for 25 mins already. He wondered "what the big deal is?” FML

By unluckypanda - 3/7/2021 16:04 - United States - Makawao

Timing is everything

671

142

Today, my long distance girlfriend of 6 months, who landed in canada last week, and for whom I was supposed to travel from Toronto to Vancouver next week to meet her for the first time, blocked me. FML

By Anonymous - 4/7/2021 02:01

Not really a good sign

662

120

Today, my family is placing bets on my being pregnant. I'm experiencing a very painful miscarriage and no one knows. I didn't want to eat a pre-made gas station salad when I visited for lunch and apparently the only explanation could be pregnancy, not that I didn't want to die from food poisoning. FML

By Anonymous - 4/7/2021 08:01 - Australia - Smithfield

Low key

827

Today, while intoxicated, I accidentally called my girlfriend by female roommate's name. Panicked, I tried to correct myself and said my female best friend's name. My relationship with both is 100% platonic, but as a last ditch effort, completely frazzled, I said my cat's name. Now she won't stop calling me by her ex's name. FML

By Anonymous - 3/7/2021 22:01

Sorry sweaty, my brain is melting

272

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Today, I found out that my half-brother from my mom’s side is dating my half-sister from my dad’s side when I caught them hooking up at our last family event. Even though they aren’t blood related, it’s still super creepy for some reason. FML

By weird - 3/7/2021 20:01

Perish the thought

751

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Today, my mom sent me to a counselor she knew "through the church" so that I could get some stressors off my chest. Worst idea ever. This "counselor" invalidated everything I had to say and basically told me to pray the issues away, all while completely ignoring me. FML

By Anonymous - 3/7/2021 18:01

Thoughts and prayers

787