Your everyday life stories

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Today, I bought a turtle after wanting one for years. I was told that he was scared, so he would be put in a box for me to take home. It wasn't until I got to my car that I noticed that they sold me a dead turtle. I'm not getting a refund because they claimed I killed it in less than 5 minutes. FML

By randomsamm - 17/10/2019 04:00 - United States - Birmingham

Alas, poor Donatello

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Today, I got pulled over by a cop and got slammed with a ticket for expired tabs on my motorcycle. The DMV was literally across the street. I was heading there to get new tabs. FML

By Anonymous - 17/10/2019 02:00 - United States

ACAB

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Today, I was promptly told to lose weight today by my computer desk when it broke under the weight of my leg. FML

By Anonymous - 17/10/2019 00:01

Desks are so judgmental these days!

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Today, I was standing in the shower drying off when my sister came in the bathroom. She must have thought I was a burglar because she hit the shower curtain and punched me in the face. FML

By leah - 16/10/2019 22:00

Whooped

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Today, I went to a dispensary to find relief for my chronic back pain. Turns out THC and my anxiety don't mix. I've been freaking out/paranoid/hyper diligent all night. I'm out $200, but at least thanks to my panic, I forgot my back pain. FML

By Anonymous - 16/10/2019 20:00

Silver linings

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Today, my one-year-old son locked me out of the house. I had no spare key and both him and my 4-month-old decided that was the perfect time to scream bloody murder. FML

By mama bear - 16/10/2019 18:00

Call the Midwife-slash-Locksmith

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Today, I tried to catch a spider in a glass. It was on the paper and I wanted it to fall into the glass, but I moved the paper the wrong way, screeched like a banshee and flung the glass at the floor. I was barefoot. FML

By Anonymous - 16/10/2019 16:00

Spider-man

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Today, when I warned my guests to check the toilet for snakes, I meant it. FML

By Surewhatever - 16/10/2019 14:01

Not on a plane

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Today, I learned that my parents lied. They didn't meet each other at an acid house rave. They met each other at a crack house. FML

By CrackHouseBaby - 16/10/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Manchester

This Is Us

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Today, after cancelling work, arguing with my family, scrambling to pack my bags, speeding to the airport and filling in immigration forms to fly out to have a much needed holiday, I wasn't allowed to check in. My passport has less than 6 months away from expiration on it. Yes, that's a thing, apparently. FML

By Anonymous - 16/10/2019 06:00 - Australia

The devil is in the details

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Today, my vegan sister told my kids where meat and dairy products come from, in a very detailed way. They now refuse to eat meat, and want to, "rescue all the poor animals." FML

By Cheryl - 16/10/2019 04:00

Go, Vegan!

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Today, I rushed home because my wife called to let me know she was feeling horny for the first time after getting over a bad flu. I walked in the door and surprise surprise, her sister had called round, wanting sympathy after her latest fuck buddy dumped her. Romantic mood ruined. FML

By Anonymous - 16/10/2019 02:00

Romantic mood

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Today, I ran to catch the night bus which passes every hour, when it unexpectedly passed its stop and turned right. I ran faster, only to trip on a roadwork sign and scrape both knees on the half-rebuilt road, ruining my new yoga pants in the process. FML

By Yudith - 16/10/2019 00:01

Potholes

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Today, I found out my roommates spent my rent money and told the landlord I never paid. I've paid my rent and theirs the past 6 months. My name's on the lease. FML

By Anonymous - 15/10/2019 22:00

And now, on Judge Judy

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Today, I got yelled at for 30 minutes while on a date for using the word "bitch." I used it to describe my friend's wife, who will also yell at you for 30 minutes for using a word she doesn't like. FML

By Powerless111 - 15/10/2019 20:00

Freedom of speech

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Today, I was backpacking, and I was in a tent. It had rained all day and finally, I was dry. I settled down in my slightly damp sleeping bag. I woke up halfway through the night with a frog on my face and my feet in freezing cold water. Our tent had drifted into a frog pond. FML

By Anonymous - 15/10/2019 18:03

Nature is so wonderful!

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Today, despite the fact they know I'm commuting hundreds of kilometres, I was requested to come to work at the earliest possible hour, every day. I'll be waking up at half past 3 a.m. and admire sunrises on my way. FML

By Anonymous - 15/10/2019 16:00

Early bird special

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Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Feeling goofy, I thought it’d be funny to try to reenact that horrible sex scene from the movie Showgirls. I threw my body back, but completely lost my balance and smashed my head on the headboard. I ended up with a bad concussion and a huge hospital bill. FML

By sex sent me to the Er - 15/10/2019 14:00

Life imitates bad art

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Today, after spending two hard months losing 20 pounds of my 80 pound goal, I was actually excited to exercise. After I was done exercising, I fell down the stairs and broke my ankle. FML

By twobyfour - 15/10/2019 12:00

Shelved plans

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Today, at my surprise birthday party, my neighbor gave me a new dog collar. My dog was run over by him a week ago. FML

By dogless - 15/10/2019 06:00

Creepy

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Today, my girlfriend woke me up by punching me in the balls. It’s OK, I didn’t want kids anyway. FML

By Anonymous - 15/10/2019 04:00

Wakey Wakey!

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Today, I bought a replacement ID after weeks looking for my old one and not finding it. When I got home, my brother said he'd found my ID. FML

By Boyufd - 15/10/2019 02:00

Too late

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Today, my coworker was talking to me about how there's always that one person in a group of friends that everyone secretly dislikes and laughs at. I realized that that person is me. FML

By Foreveralone - 15/10/2019 00:01

We're all that one person

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Today, two out of our three smoke detectors were going off. My grandpa won't call the fire department because he thinks our house will be condemned. The alarms are still going off. FML

By Ashley - 14/10/2019 22:00

Fire…?

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Today, at work, a customer commented that I look like Zach Galifianakis. I'm a girl. FML

By Breezie - 14/10/2019 20:00 - United States

Hi Zach!

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Today, I was looking at my boyfriend's rarely-used Facebook page as he was next to me. Last time he was online over a year ago, he had something up that said, "Still looking for that perfect girl." I jokingly said he should update it. He responded, "Why? It's still true." FML

By Anonymous - 14/10/2019 18:00

Fishing

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Today, my apartment management notified me that my water was going to be shut off all day so they could fix the plumbing. I took a laxative last night. FML

By Anonymous - 14/10/2019 16:00

Mess incoming

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Today, I got pushed around by several suspicious mothers in a playground. I just wanted to sit down and rest my feet while I waited for my wife to finish her shopping across the street. FML

By Anonymous - 14/10/2019 14:00 - United States

Paranoid much?

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Today, I woke myself up by farting in my sleep, only to realize that the guy I'd brought home from the bar was still next to me. He was awake. FML

By Anonymous - 14/10/2019 12:00

Drunk hookup ends with a… bang

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