Your everyday life stories

Today, I got my hand caught in a belt sander while sanding down what was supposed to become a "Caution" sign. FML

By stickyickystone - 21/7/2019 14:12

168

Today, I arrived at the doctor's to schedule surgery to find out my insurance got canceled again. I only just got it reinstated after the last time they screwed up and canceled it. It took me 6 months to get it fixed. FML

By LostSoul - 21/7/2019 12:10

322

Today, I was told I have a brother… By a stranger in a parking lot, while leaving my grandfather's wake. FML

By ChloeisaDoll - 21/7/2019 06:01

551

Today, I got charged with drink driving, without even driving my car. FML

By Ladyfarquard - 21/7/2019 04:03

535

159

Today, I found out that pretending to be a bum begging for money can get you stuck in a jail cell for a few hours. FML

By darknight - 21/7/2019 02:03

193

1369

Today, my girlfriend refused to have sex with me, because my underwear are Fruit of the Loom instead of Hanes. According to her, since all real men wear Hanes, I'm unfit to have sex with her because I wear Fruit of the Loom and am therefore not a man. FML

By Nutty - 21/7/2019 00:04

927

133

Today, I had someone place two separate to-go orders, so that he could use two of his "25% off" coupons. He couldn't understand why it wasn't 50% off his total bill, no matter how many times I plainly explained it to him. FML

By Anonymous - 20/7/2019 22:06

858

Today, I was told I have kidney stones, kidney infections, and a bladder infection and that I have to get admitted into the hospital. I let my boss know, and she replied, "But you're still coming in for your shift tonight, right?" FML

By lxygrl - 20/7/2019 13:07 - United States - Phenix City

1039

Today, after being promised a job and attending five full days of training and induction for a job as a bicycle delivery officer, I was denied the job at the very end of the last day for, "riding my bicycle too quickly on the road." FML

By TooFast - 21/7/2019 02:00 - Australia - Mount Druitt

907

Today, my cat attempted to make up for my insomnia with a dead mouse. I have no idea where he got it. FML

By Anonymous - 20/7/2019 09:00 - United States - Tulsa

773

Today, I walked in on my brother masturbating. In the living room. For the second time. FML

By Anonymous - 20/7/2019 22:00 - Australia - Brighton

1025

Today, I’m on holiday with my mum. She got so pissed, she fell over on the dance floor at the children’s disco, then had to rely on a stranger to keep her upright so I could go get the car to take her home. FML

By DrunkenMum - 20/7/2019 12:00

870

Today, I found out my boyfriend made a move to hook up with my best friend. She was about to reciprocate, only for him to suddenly tell her that she’s a horrible friend, and then he told me about it. I’m not sure if I should be picking sides here. FML

By bruh - 20/7/2019 06:20

1300

Today, nine hours into a ten-hour shift, I accidentally told a customer, "You're a problem!" instead of, "You're welcome!" or, "No problem!" She gave me a dirty look and hurried off before I could correct myself. FML

By Oopsie - 20/7/2019 04:00

840

125

Today, I had a dream about sleeping, which is a dream I have frequently. I’m exhausted even when I sleep. FML

By amy - 20/7/2019 02:09

961

Today, my daughter informed me that she hates everything about her appearance and wants to get every possible plastic surgery when she’s older. She’s 7. FML

By ladygrey - 20/7/2019 00:08

1157

127

Today, after I've been nauseous for a week straight, barely eating or sleeping, I was going to see my doctor. She then called in sick and I can't get an appointment for another week. FML

By InnocenceBlue - 20/7/2019 04:00 - Australia - Perth

1085

Today, a guy asked me my name and I told him it's Holly. He then asked if I was "real or a Holligram?" Apparently, The Office is the best, and only place to get pick up lines. FML

By Youalreadyknowmyname - 19/7/2019 14:00 - United States - Jeffersonville

993

152

By Alan - 19/7/2019 18:00

FML's 15 Favorite Funny Fuck-Ups of the Week!

Whether it's people not understanding how the world works or just people fucking their shit up, check out idiots being hilarious idiots.

Today, a customer at the bar I work at yelled at me for calling her "Ma'am." I asked what she'd prefer, and she gave me her name. When I called her by her name, she yelled at me for not calling her "Ma'am." FML

By DrunkPeopleSuck - 19/7/2019 16:00

1293

Today, I was at a store. I asked if I needed a key for their bathroom, and they said the door was open. I have to walk past them to go in and out of the bathroom. Thirty seconds later, they used the key and walked in on me. FML

By LostSoul - 19/7/2019 14:02

1197

Today, my boyfriend and I got robbed. He was so depressed about all the stuff we lost, I decided to cheer him up with a lap dance. I told him to sit on a chair. We have no furniture left. He started crying. FML

By caligirl4ever - 19/7/2019 12:00

1333

339

Today, my car horn got some sort of short and started beeping every 20 seconds or so. On the way to get it fixed, I got stuck in bumper to bumper traffic. Behind a cop car. FML

By Anonymous - 19/7/2019 06:01

1450

Today, I failed my driving test, and didn't get my great new job that a buddy helped me get. He got fired, and they won't hire me because he recommended me, regardless of how qualified for the job and how great the interview went. He called to tell me an hour before my driving test. FML

By twistedelegance - 19/7/2019 04:00

1288

105

Today, for the third time in as many months, I woke up early and got dressed up for our department’s networking breakfast, where I stood in the back with no seat and no food, while employees from other departments and less senior staff ate breakfast. My boss later asked me if the food was good. FML

By Anonymous - 19/7/2019 02:00

1118

363

Today, after 4 days without being able to poop, now, while sitting stuck in traffic, I have the sudden urge to use the bathroom. FML

By Anonymous - 19/7/2019 00:01

1316

Today, one of my friends came over to go swimming in my pool. Before going back into the house, as it's all carpeted, I automatically took off my trunks, forgetting about my friend. I realized my mistake when my friend commented on my abnormally long foreskin. FML

By Anonymous - 18/7/2019 22:00

852

909

Today, my father, who I haven't spoken to in over 12 years, contacted me. He just wanted to let me know that I should get tested for a rare neurological disease. The only thing the man has given to me since my conception is potentially a death certificate. FML

By Anonymous - 18/7/2019 20:00

1467

Today, I asked my wife who she would choose, me or the dog. She chose the dog. No hesitation. FML

By Anonymous - 18/7/2019 18:00

988

778