Today, my eldest son decided he’s a vegan now. My wife is a tomboy deer hunter, so she announced to our other four kids we are all vegan until the eldest changes his mind. It has been two full days of teenage sibling guerrilla warfare in our house. Plus, the food is tasteless shit. FML
Today, while I was hanging out with friends, a new girl joined us. One of my friends asked how therapy was going, as I’ve been working through childhood trauma for years. New girl launched into an angry rant about therapy and psychology. Turns out she’s a die-hard/staunch Scientologist. She wanted me to join her church. FML
Today, on the one-year anniversary of my adoption, my adoptive parents are going through an extremely nasty divorce and custody battle. I think I was better off in foster care. FML
Today, I realized that my baby stops crying loudly whenever I turn on the vacuum cleaner. I'm either stuck with a fussy baby all day, or the roaring sound of a vacuum cleaner. FML
Today, I was in the bathroom at school. The girl next to me asked for a pad. I gave one to her. I didn't think much of it. The last lesson, I went to the bathroom again and went to a stall to play games on my phone. The same girl goes into the stall next to me, slides a used bloody pad, and says, "Thank you." FML
Today, my dad refuses to honor the agreement he made with my grandparents to send me to live with them if he ever got remarried after my mom died. I can't run away because then he'd call the police. FML
Today, my friends started sharing art of that gender-bent Malfoy with the offensive name in our Discord server. I was very upset by this and politely asked them to stop. They argued with me and I started crying and left the chat. FML
Today, my son told his 8-year-old sister that since she swallowed an apple seed, that a tree is going to grow in her stomach and kill her. She's inconsolable and won't believe that she'll be fine, because "they say that to all the dying people on TV". FML
Today, years of talks and months of family therapy, paid for out of my pocket, with my wife and mother-in-law, amounted to nothing. My brother-in-law, who skipped it, gets to stay unemployed while my 72 year-old mother-in-law lets him drain her finances to take a community college math class and build Star Wars dioramas. He's 36. FML
Today, my mom is threatening to take me to court to get the entirety of my dad's $1 million inheritance. She told me that she's entitled to it because she recently got scammed out of all her life savings. I can't afford a lawyer. FML
Today, and ever since I came out as gay, my parents have become extremely overprotective and paranoid. Whenever I complain, they tell me that they don't want me to end up like Matthew Shepard and I don't even know who the hell that is. They pulled me out of school, made me close my social media and everything. FML
Today, we were meeting my husband's colleagues for dinner. I wore a dress which my husband had bought for me earlier this year. I was feeling good until he took one look and said, "Nope. Go change. It doesn't look good and appropriate for the dinner." I had to change. So much for trying to have some body positivity… FML
Today, I was at the movie theatre. I went to the bathroom, and was about to wipe my butt when I realized that where the toilet-paper dispenser should have been, there was a large hole. The woman in the next stall waved. FML
Today, I was doing some yard work when I decided to take a short break. The camping chair which I keep on my porch gave way. The end result was my ass was on the ground. FML
Today, my dad and uncle were watching an old movie from our old country. A certain word was said, causing them to laugh out hysterically. When I asked, they said that having practically zero command of the language, and my age, I'd never understand. After doing intense and extensive research, I shouldn't have asked. FML
Today, I asked my parents and siblings to stop associating with my ex-wife because it's too awkward, even though we had a very amicable and peaceful divorce. They told me in no uncertain terms that she's still part of the family, whether I like it or not, and that I'm just going to have to deal with it. FML
Today, while trying to prove a point to my mom, I learned that birdseed tastes better than her cooking. FML
Today, I confronted and accused my mom for the murder of my beloved pet squirrel, whom I raised by hand since it was a pinkie. She denied the allegation by calling it an idiot for not being peaceful. She actually believed that if she locked him and her cat in a cage together overnight, they would come out as friends. FML
Today, I was making egg salad for the week's lunches and told my son to come help. When we started peeling the eggs, he thought it was funny to roll them off the counter and ruin them. I shouted at him for being disrespectful and wasteful, and my wife screamed at me that, "He's just a little boy!" FML
Today, I got home so exhausted after working a 24-hour shift that I stripped naked before peeing into the toilet, but forgot to take off my boxers first, so I was peeing into my boxers, and didn’t notice until I felt the heat running down my thighs onto the floor. FML
Today, my daughter falsely accused me of stealing and snooping through her diary. She later found out that I didn't, but is still angry and not speaking to me because I "made her think that I did." FML
Today, I confessed my love for the girl I like, on the forum she moderates. She responded by banning me. FML
Today, I wanted to kickstart my career as a dance teacher as part of a dance festival. I had my own performance and a kids group. I froze on stage and stopped dancing halfway. They had the wrong music and the kids stopped halfway. Overall, zero sign-ups so far. One rival literally smirked at me. FML
Today, at a funeral family gathering, I greeted an elderly relative and kissed her palm (it's a family thing). She then took my palm and brought it near her lips, then dropped it and went on her way. I didn't even wanna do that in the first place. FML
Today, I realized that I went from being extremely fit, disciplined, and well-groomed to a shell of myself due to my girlfriend's lack of sex drive. I used to have 10/10s hitting me up for threesomes and have women breaking up with their men for a chance with me. Now I'm stuck with someone who doesn't care about sex. FML
Today, I got stumped by a childproof door. Twice. FML
Today, I met this girl and we hit it off. We got talking about growing up. She let me know she had ADHD growing up and it was very hard growing up with it, and she got help. I validated her. I let told her I recently got diagnosed with ADHD and she told me that I’m 29 and should've it figured out. She was very dismissive about it. FML
Today, as always, my fiance claims to be a "picky eater." This consists of McDonald's, pizza or Taco Bell. Unfortunately, I have had to do groceries instead due to current funding, and have been advised that they will no longer be eating as they can't stomach anything else. They also refuse to get a job to help. FML
Today, my parents love my girlfriend so much more than me that they actually convinced her that she deserves someone better than me. Then when she broke up with me, they started introducing her to better guys, including my cousin, guys from church, and one of my mum's employees. FML
Today, my fiancee gave me back her engagement ring because I refused to drive her to get cigarettes. FML
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