Your everyday life stories

Today, I woke up with my face flying at the wall. A muscle spasm had caused me to pop out of bed. I'm now dealing with a concussion and sprained neck, thanks to an almost physically impossible feat. FML

By alycion - 17/6/2019 19:07

157

Today, after my boyfriend broke up with me and I'd chained-smoked all night, I had a driving test. With only 3 hours of sleep, I literally drove through a red light during the test. FML

By kk- - 17/6/2019 17:05

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Today, the worst part about not having a sense of smell is that I can’t tell if anyone ate pizza without me. Unless I see an empty box in the trash. FML

By Nosmie - 17/6/2019 15:03

438

Today, well into my second year at university, I still haven't made a single friend. FML

By Lonely At Griffith - 17/6/2019 13:02

525

Today, I was telling my fiancée about my Hashimoto's symptoms when my MIL to-be said, "You must be drinking too much alcohol. My aunt had a goiter and it only swelled when she drank, usually bourbon or beer." She then walked out of the room, perfectly content with her "diagnosis." FML

By Goiter - 17/6/2019 01:00 - United States - Fort Washington

655

Today, after taking care not to hurt myself during my workout, I injured my shoulder extricating myself from my sports bra. FML

By metalmeow - 17/6/2019 05:00

729

Today, as a truck driver, I was flipped off, cursed at, told to go to hell and several other obscenities because I was a half-hour EARLY to my delivery. FML

By Turbo - 17/6/2019 02:23

926

Today, I received a tip in Monopoly money. FML

By boardwalk the fuck out of my resturaunt - 17/6/2019 00:01 - Netherlands - Amsterdam

966

Today, I sent a sexy text to my husband while he waited for a flight home at the airport. This was his response. FML

By Nav - 16/6/2019 22:00

627

317

Today, I spent five minutes shaking a bowl of Jello because it looked cool. FML

By Ashley Youngman - 16/6/2019 20:04

627

476

By Mystic Alan - 16/6/2019 18:00

FML's Weekly Horoscope - 16th of June 2019

Find out what bullshit the asshole stars and planets have in store for you this week!

Today, I was holding the ladder while my husband was in the attic, and I let out a silent fart, thinking he wouldn't notice. A minute later, he complained of the dreadful smell and told me he was checking for a dead animal. FML

By Ohdear - 16/6/2019 15:08 - United Kingdom - Leeds

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Today, I was teaching a small group of improv students. I asked one guy to do a monologue, and laughed to myself while he did so. I said, "Sorry, I'm just laughing at the way you're doing it." He then got upset and pointed out that he had a speech impediment. FML

By ImprovTeacher - 16/6/2019 14:05

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By Alan - 16/6/2019 12:31

FML celebrates our dads, the everyday heroes.

It's Father's Day. Let's let them bask in the glory of doing things people have been doing since forever.

Today, I received my first customer complaint. It said, "I am a regular customer and when I come in, he is always smiling and tells me he will see me soon when I leave. This makes me feel very uncomfortable." Now I'm under investigation for sexual harassment. FML

By Raspution - 16/6/2019 04:42

1600

100

Today, I had 15 teenagers literally laugh in my face when I asked them to be quiet. I'm a student teaching in a high school, which is the culmination of 2 years of my life and $20,000, and I might in fact actually hate doing it. FML

By reluctant teacher - 15/6/2019 19:41 - United States - Clarksville

School's out for summer, thank God!

1199

198

Today, my 16-year-old cousin told me she was "late." When I asked if she could be pregnant, she said no, because, "you can't get pregnant the first time you have sex." I ended up having to give her the sex talk. FML

By Anonymous - 16/6/2019 00:01

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141

Today, I went to make my morning coffee as usual. When I opened the container for the coffee grounds, I saw it bubbling. Perplexed, I looked closer. This is how I discovered that maggots can actually bubble what they ingest. FML

By traumatised - 15/6/2019 22:27

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Today, I was doing laundry at work. I work at a spay/neuter clinic and was about to throw in a load of towels when I noticed something in the washer. It looked like one of the detergent packets we use. It was a testicle. FML

By laundryduty - 15/6/2019 20:14

1410

121

Today, while working at my unfulfilling part-time job, my colleague said, "Are you aware of how much you sigh?" And then she said, "You're too young for that." So, am I supposed to hold my breath now? FML

By squarecircles - 15/6/2019 10:46 - Canada - Vancouver

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Today, I was walking in the mall with my friends when one of them pointed at a store and commented, "Bae Goals." My fat ass thought she said "bagels" and I actually got excited at the thought of eating a bagel, even after I realized my mistake. FML

By Fatty - 15/6/2019 09:00 - United States - Virginia Beach

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Today, I had a doctor's appointment because I've recently lost weight. I'm already underweight, and I was concerned because the weight loss has been causing some other health concerns to worsen. My doctor's exact words of advice? "Eating food usually leads to weight gain." FML

By Anonymous - 15/6/2019 06:30 - United States - Durham

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Today, my husband was finally moving out. I picked up his enormous duffle bag full of clothes to help get him out faster, and I threw out my back. I now can't move. I can't even wipe my own ass. FML

By Anonymous - 15/6/2019 06:43

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Today, I found out that I'm sensitive to the NuvaRing. It felt like I was a buffet for fire ants. FML

By PaePae - 14/6/2019 21:31 - United States - Columbia

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117

Today, while I was walking along the sidewalk, someone passed by and said, "Tuck that nose in." FML

By anonymous - 15/6/2019 02:25

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Today, my older brother called me in the middle of the night to describe to me, in painstaking elaborate detail, the Yamaha commercial he'd just watched. FML

By Kenton - 15/6/2019 00:14

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Today, I raised my hand to answer a question, but I forgot the answer, so when the teacher called on me, I just said, "I need to pee." FML

By 552220000 - 14/6/2019 22:00

Meanwhile, at Harvard…

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Today, my idiot of a boss yelled at me because it's physically impossible for me to be in two places at the same time, and that I'm not a magician. He didn't understand that. FML

By Hatilic_ - 14/6/2019 20:00

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By Alan - 14/6/2019 18:00

FML's 15 favorite f***-ups of the week!

Whether it's people not understanding how the world works or just people f**king their shit up, this is the place to check out idiots...