Your everyday life stories

199

Today, I punched an older woman in the face. I only hit her after she grabbed my 4-year-old daughter and told her to, "stop dancing like a whore!" My daughter was so terrified, she peed her pants. FML

By mama bear - 5/6/2020 20:00

Fight Club Penguin

588

Today, my beautiful bride walked towards me in a dress that looked just like a ribbed condom. FML

By Anonymous - 5/6/2020 17:00

It's called fashion Dave, look it up!

472

Today, while on the bus, I had to stand as all the seats were taken. I was standing behind a group of small girls who were messing around with their bags. As they were swinging them, one hit me square in the nuts with her elbow. The girl said, “Wise up, I hardly touched you.” I missed my stop. FML

By DanJames24 - 5/6/2020 14:00

Family jewels

598

Today, my husband thinks I stopped wearing underwear to be sexy. Truth is, I’ve gained so much weight during quarantine that even my granny panties no longer fit. FML

By fatty punani - 5/6/2020 08:00

Sexy is in the eye of the beholder

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Today, my boyfriend got drunk and had a fistfight with a dumb teenager, which was bad enough, but he also lost the fight, which was just pathetic and embarrassing. FML

By Anonymous - 5/6/2020 05:00

Manly men fighting

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Today, I learned that working while taking muscle relaxers is not as fun as it sounds. FML

By creepingjennie - 5/6/2020 02:00

Droopy

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Today, my ex, who I only dated for 3 months, told me the only reason why he dated me was because he thought my sister was hot, and he just wanted to get closer to her. So thank you for that. FML

By Willow McGarrigle - 4/6/2020 23:00

Manipulation

956

Today, my boyfriend renewed his driver's license and showed me the picture. I told him he needed to go back because they'd put the wrong birthdate. Turns out the idiot forgot he’s been lying to me about his age the whole time we’ve been together. He’s not actually 30. He’ll be 43 in two months. FML

By why lie - 4/6/2020 20:00

Age ain't nothing but a number

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Today, my boss fired me because someone hacked our website and replaced pictures of our products with furry porn (don’t Google it, it’s weird as fuck). We don’t have an IT department, but since I spend the most time on the computer controlling stock and purchases, he blamed me instead. FML

By Anonymous - 4/6/2020 17:00

Furry

1309

Today, even though I’m having contractions, I’m still trying to clean up the house. My husband just got pissy with me because I was rolling the vacuum behind me instead of picking it up and carrying it to the closet. FML

By carey33 - 4/6/2020 14:15

Quite the catch

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Today, the guy I’ve been trying to get over for the last month finally messaged me like I’ve been hoping for, only to cry that his new girlfriend cheated on him and to ask if I think he should forgive her, because he, "appreciates my honesty." FML

By Anonymous - 4/6/2020 08:00

Hard shoulder

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Today, I woke up from a vivid dream in which I murdered my entire family. It took 20 minutes after waking up, drenched in sweat and tears, to realize I'm not a murderer and my life is OK. This dream is recurring. FML

By Anonymous - 4/6/2020 05:00

Issues

1195

Today, I found out my boyfriend is cheating on me. The worst part is I’m currently stuck in his house and can’t even deal with a fight right now. Why? Because I just had surgery this morning. FML

By Galaxy-eyes photon human - 4/6/2020 02:00

Misery

1238

Today, while looking at engagement rings online, I started crying. Not because I'm getting married, but because the only proposal scenario my mind could concoct always ended with my boyfriend saying,"Psych!" FML

By VoodooPriestess - 3/6/2020 23:00

Just a prank, bruh!

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By Alan - 3/6/2020 20:00

The Best of the Worst of FML #89

Here's a selection of some of the worst, unpublishable FMLs we've received over the years. Read them and weep!

Today, I ran downstairs to meet the Amazon driver and threw on a shirt in a rush. Only after he left did I realise it was my shirt with artful rips in the design and I'd forgot to put on a vest under it. I'd flashed the driver my entire right boob with nipple piercing through one of the holes. FML

By Anonymous - 3/6/2020 17:00

Check this out

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Today, my mom once again cried that I never come to visit her. I’ve tried, but her house is just unbearable. It’s always no less than 80°F inside, and she also refuses to clean up. She just burns multiple candles and air fresheners all day to mask the smell. She refuses any cleaning help I offer. FML

By anonymous - 3/6/2020 14:06

Stinky mom

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Today, my 18-year-old boyfriend took some extremely strong painkillers that unfortunately gave him a giddy sense of euphoria. He then stripped naked in his parents' lounge room and yelled, "You've all seen it before!" His really religious parents didn't know this. FML

By Anonymous - 3/6/2020 08:00

All out in the open

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Today, while I was waiting for a bus, a nutjob-looking dude walked up to me, then hissed, "You hipster scum, you don't even need those glasses," before forcibly removing them and snapping them in half. I was wearing regular clothes, and those prescription glasses cost me $500. FML

By NoHipster - 3/6/2020 05:02

Crazy people

1553

Today, I ran out of moving boxes so I used a few garbage bags to pack up my clothes. My new roommate decided to be helpful by putting those green garbage bags in the dumpster. It was garbage day. FML

By kmjlevesque - 3/6/2020 02:00

Bye bye clothes

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Today, while cuddling with my boyfriend, he started humping my leg and said, "I'm gonna hump the fatness out of you and make you beautiful." FML

By blah - 2/6/2020 23:00

Exercise One

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Today, I got chewed out by my boss. Why? Because my coworkers haven't gotten their work done. Now I have to scan them their work for them to complete it. FML

By Anonymous - 2/6/2020 20:00

Responsibilities

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Today, my husband got home and shouted he had a surprise for me. I shouted back that I hoped it was his tasty knob with strawberry lube. Nope, he'd picked up my grandparents for a visit now social isolation is being relaxed. They might be in their 80’s but they’re not deaf, unfortunately. FML

By Anonymous - 2/6/2020 17:00

Strawberry surprise

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Today, I was at work at McDonald's, at the front counter when an elderly lady came up to me and whispered, "I just shit everywhere in your restroom," then turned around and walked out the door. FML

By no one - 2/6/2020 14:00

Crucial information

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Today, I finished writing a 60-page essay on the history and people of Australia. Turns out it's supposed to be on Austria. It's due this morning. FML

By Anonymous - 2/6/2020 08:00

Close enough

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Today, I was drying my duvet and pillows in the dryer. Apparently, one of the pillows was memory foam, which I was not aware of. It caught on fire due to the heat and nearly burned down my laundry room. FML

By Anonymous - 2/6/2020 05:00

Extreme drying

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Today, while I was sitting in a waiting room to be seen, my service dog (who was tucked under the bench I was sitting) let out the most vile, silent but deadly fart. The person near me retched and heaved, and I got death glares while someone sprayed their old lady perfume to mask the smell. FML

By Anonymous - 2/6/2020 02:00

Stealth dog

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Today, I found out that my fiancé, with whom I've been with for 10 years, doesn't want to have sex with me because he thinks I'm going to trap him into having a baby. He sees me take my contraceptive pill nightly and knows I was booked in for having a coil fitted before Covid-19 happened. FML

By Anonymous - 1/6/2020 23:00

Non-baby fever

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