The best jokes about life

Today, I just called my now ex-girlfriend to break up with her, due to our insurmountable lack of communication, even though I was in therapy for four months to try and keep the relationship afloat. Before breaking up, she'd blocked me on Facebook, Whatsapp, Twitter and Instagram for no reason. FML

By Anonymous - 18/4/2021 17:00

Communication Breakdown

112

Today, I had to explain to my daughter that “touching someone inappropriately” does not mean punching them in the face. She’s 9. FML

By mona - 18/4/2021 14:00

Smackdown

166

Today, all my guy friends have decided to make their voices deeper because they think it will make me want to date them. I don’t find deep voices attractive. At all. FML

By Mary - 18/4/2021 11:00

Weird flex, but OK

238

Today, my dad and I finally found something we have in common, after 12 years of barely talking with each other. We're both extremely suicidally depressed and we were both molested as kids. FML

By Anonymous - 18/4/2021 03:00 - Canada - Bedford

Making connections

390

Today, my mom is furious that I won’t let her babysit my kids anymore. Twice they’ve come home with vomiting and diarrhea after she let them eat nothing but desserts the entire day. Her excuse? Grandmas are supposed to spoil their grandkids. Spoil, not give them diabetes. FML

By good mama - 18/4/2021 04:59

Spoiled

435

Today, after months of successfully taking strides to boost my long diminished libido, I found out my girlfriend, who always had a healthy sex drive, has now lost hers. Oh, how the tables have turned. FML

By Bill Mantie - 18/4/2021 02:00

Turntables

417

Today, my boyfriend is spending a lot of time hyping up his female best friend who is participating in a modeling competition, trying to get her to win. When I asked this guy to help support my small business, he said he, “didn’t have time” to. FML

By Liisaz34 - 18/4/2021 00:30

Sounds fishy

522

Today, I confirmed that my professor hates me. Weeks ago, I failed a paper for the first time, so I went to my professor, apologized profusely, and discussed my revision plan. I got his approval on my conclusions and added all the details he suggested. I then submitted my paper. I got my grade this morning: C-. FML

By Anonymous - 17/4/2021 23:00

Bad job

390

129

Today, I found out my mum has been using my electric shaver for several months to shave her pubes and underarms. FML

By Anonymous - 17/4/2021 21:27

Contact

505

Today, my hair is so long hair that it touches my shoulders now. My father attempted to bribe me into cutting my hair several times. I'm 30. FML

By Anonymous - 17/4/2021 20:00

Chill out, dudebro

386

111

Today, my Facebook account is deactivated and I don't think they are going to give me my account balance of $855 on Marketplace. So, I'm out my items, shipping costs and the profit I would have made. Facebook Marketplace is a scam. I'm so depressed. FML

By Anonymous - 17/4/2021 11:01 - Canada - Ottawa

Laissez-faire capitalism

548

106

Today, it was my stepmother’s birthday. She yelled at me in front of everyone for "upstaging" her by looking better than her. When I explained that I had only put the minimum amount of effort into my appearance, she said, "Next time, don’t shower or brush your teeth." FML

By aimeeknows - 17/4/2021 06:00 - United States - Denver

Narcissists of the world, unite

712

Today, my wife made me sleep on the couch because I ate the last Magnum Ice Cream bar. Last week, she bitched me out for singing too loud in the shower. I strongly regret leaving my ex-girlfriend of 5 years for this woman. FML

By Rodolfo_el - 17/4/2021 10:59

No Ragrets

320

1141

Today, I was complaining to my nana about why I can’t get a date. She proceeded to point out my appearance, lack of brains, abrasive personality, poor clothing choices, tacky tattoos, and so on. Thanks nana. FML

By Anonymous - 17/4/2021 08:00

Emotional support

291

749

Today, my girlfriend of 5 years dumped me because she got tired of me being thinner than her and, in her own words, making her look bad. FML

By Anonymous - 17/4/2021 05:00

Skinny Love

723

Today, a "friend" of mine told everyone that I had a crush on a girl I used to be really good friends with 2 years ago. I never liked her that way, and had said that only to hide the fact that I'm gay and don't feel safe with boys. Her current boyfriend is seriously annoyed with me. FML

By KeEp.iT.A.SeCrEt - 17/4/2021 02:00

Not coming out yet, sorry

569

126

Today, my roommate walked in on me going down on my girlfriend in our shared living area. She was embarrassed for about 20 seconds, then pushed my head back down and told me to keep going until he comes back. FML

By Anonymous - 16/4/2021 17:30 - United States - Chicago

Sounds like a keeper, actually

307

544

Today, I was notified by my bank that the government stimulus check I had deposited last week had been returned. FML

By PolarBear2020 - 16/4/2021 23:05

Return to sender

619

Today, I borrowed my friend’s bracelet, and because I let it out of my sight for two seconds, it vanished. I never even left the house with it. FML

By mouse - 16/4/2021 20:00

Vanishing trick

469

266

Today, I woke up naked in my best friend's roommate's bed. We had sex and I puked on the bed. My first sex in over a year and I don't remember a thing. FML

By Anonymous - 16/4/2021 16:59 - Netherlands

Couldn't have been that great

255

680

Today, I had a miscarriage. My partner doesn't understand why I'm upset, saying, "It wasn't even a real baby yet." FML

By Anonymous - 16/4/2021 23:59 - New Zealand - Wellington

Empathy

1157

Today, I was told I’d have to get up early tomorrow. When I complained, my mother responded with some sarcasm about me being a spoiled little princess who needs her sleep. Never mind that when I have to wake up early, I hallucinate and vomit. FML

By lida - 16/4/2021 11:00

Check yourself

610

368

Today, my friend told me that his girlfriend is so mad at me for being friends with him that she's going to kill me with a weapon. I called the cops, because I didn’t feel safe. Later, my friend called me to tell me he was joking, and that I was stupid for believing him. FML

By jjkk - 16/4/2021 08:00

Joke detection fail

748

257

Today, I have been crying uncontrollably for a week straight. Why? Someone posted a mean comment about me on the internet a week ago. No matter how much I try to think about something else, I can’t. What is wrong with me? FML

By misty - 16/4/2021 05:00

Need help

612

389

Today, we’ve been unable to have sex for months due to my boyfriend’s health issues. I would never EVER cheat on him; however my unconscious mind has other ideas. I’ve dreamt of kinky sex with everyone from the maintenance man to gettin' freaky with detective Stabler. I’m so horny I’m gonna burst. FML

By horny I’m so horny - 15/4/2021 17:00 - United States

Frustrating!

970

192

Today, my 12 year-old son came home with two broken arms after finding an awesome place to ride his bike. He found a sweet jump and his handlebars broke. He's currently in slings and waiting for an appointment with a surgeon, the breaks were so bad, the hospital couldn't reset them. FML

By Anonymous - 16/4/2021 00:30

My little boy

825

Today, during class, my teacher left a small mark on the whiteboard. When I pointed it out, she simply rolled her eyes and told me to, “let it go.” I have OCD and was completely unable to focus on the rest of the lesson because of the mark. FML

By necca - 15/4/2021 23:00

OCD FML

602

551

Today, I was getting ready for a very unpleasant doctor's appointment. I got out of the shower and used a new body spray all over my torso and arms. Turns out I'm allergic to it and now my skin is on fire, so now I get to go to an already uncomfortable appointment even more uncomfortable than I'd planned. FML

By Ashley - 15/4/2021 21:30

Itchy and Scratchy

646

156

Today, my neighbour decided to get high while leaving his bathtub running, resulting in passing out and starting a flood in the hallways. FML

By Anonymous - 15/4/2021 13:59 - Canada

Splish splash, I was taking a bath

722