The best jokes about life

Today, I was fired from my cashier job for "abandoning my post." I saw a man pass out in the 100° heat in front of our store and I rushed to give him water. Not to worry though, my manager assured me he wouldn’t press charges for the water I took from the fridge, but I’m still fired. FML

By need a job - 24/6/2021 13:02 - United States

Today, on Asshat Bosses…

174

Today, I'm 6 months pregnant with my first child and excited. My brother and his girlfriend announced they're getting married… on my due date. They refuse to change the date. FML

By Anonymous - 24/6/2021 13:01 - United States - Duluth

Clout goblins

233

Today, the guy I’ve been dating told me to lose his number and never see him again all because I told him I grew up without a father. FML

By Fatherless - 24/6/2021 18:00

Oddball

299

Today, my boss gave me an autographed photo of himself, after he heard that I think he's intimidatingly attractive. FML

By myfavoritesgouda - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Manhasset

Full of himself

42122

9485

Today, my brother was suspended from school. He referred to himself as "Master" and two female classmates as his "bitches" in front of his teacher. He's ten years-old. What kind of family do I live in? FML

By minder97 - 24/6/2021 16:01 - Canada

Bad influence

333

Today, my brother sprayed the entire kitchen, including all the dishes, with industrial strength spray adhesive, thinking it was disinfectant. I'm the one who got to clean it up. FML

By Anonymous - 24/6/2021 14:00

Accidentally?

381

Today, I sprained an arm muscle while pretending to lift weights. FML

By foreveralone15 - 24/6/2021 10:59

Fake it til you make it

129

336

Today, a few weeks after coming out to my parents, my mother randomly asked me, "Your father and I have tried anal sex a few times, but it hurts too much. D'you have any advice on what to do?" FML

By Canuckboy - 24/6/2021 07:59 - Canada

Inference

521

141

Today, I asked my science teacher if he'd had my mom when she went to my high school. He took one look at me, glared, and said, "Oh yeah, I remember HER." I have that class every day the rest of the year. Thanks a lot, Mom. FML

By speedster - 24/6/2021 06:01 - United States

Sins of the Mother

377

138

Today, my older, pill-addicted brother, came over to visit with me. After he left, I realized all my Vicodin was gone. I got my wisdom teeth removed two hours ago. FML

By danielle1575 - 24/6/2021 04:01 - United States

Help yourself

564

110

Today. I worked my 10-hour shift and drove over 3 hours to the hotel that I'd reserved a room at for 3 nights. The hotel required ID to get a room with a bank or credit card. I realized I'd lost my state ID, they wouldn't accept my work photo ID, they won't let me pay cash… No ID, no room. FML

By mmmmmm no - 24/6/2021 02:00

Stranded

521

Today, my male model boyfriend admitted to me that he has developed an eating disorder because of his career. He also told me we couldn't have sex anymore, because he might somehow absorb the food I eat, from my body, through intercourse. FML

By Anonymous - 24/6/2021 00:01

Smart guy

671

113

Today, my crush DM-ed my best friend, asking her to meet "without me knowing about it." We had been meeting occasionally for at least 8 years. In fact, a few days ago I'd told him that I was going to be in his town and he replied that he wouldn't be there that day. FML

By Anonymous - 23/6/2021 16:01 - Spain

Broken heart

506

120

Today, my girlfriend's response to my question about where our relationship was going was, "Let me check what my Celtic Runes have to say about it." FML

By me. - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Canada

Vibe check: strong crystal mom energy

25541

4071

Today, my grandmother - who has been a heavy smoker for almost forty years, and does not believe in the dangers of smoking - was diagnosed with COPD. Also, I'm now at a greater risk of developing COPD because of her (and my parents, who also smoke). FML

By Anonymous - 23/6/2021 12:59 - United States - Steele

Smoking kills

564

Today, I found out my boyfriend has been cheating on me. He married someone, and got another girl pregnant. We were together for 8 years. FML

By Anika - 23/6/2021 18:00

Mind-boggling logistics

729

Today, I'm on a camping trip, and despite the lovely weather, I'm wearing long clothing so the mosquitoes can’t sting me. Unfortunately, nobody seems to have told THEM that. FML

By Anonymous - 23/6/2021 16:01

Leave me alone

496

113

Today, I was in the car with my boyfriend. After telling him how much I loved him, he asked me to marry him. When I said yes and started crying, he said he wasn't sure if he really wants to get married. FML

By Anonymous - 23/6/2021 13:59

Buffering

671

Today, I found out that my boyfriend cheated on me for a year. He doesn't see how texting and sexting counts as cheating. While I cleaned, cooked, payed all our bills and went to school, he didn't work. FML

By Ryley Jenna - 23/6/2021 11:01

Deadbeat

673

147

Today, after I searched for three months and found the coolest jacket and was stoked, my fiancé and our guy friend both ordered the same jacket so we can all match. FML

By Anonymous - 23/6/2021 07:59

Three's company

513

141

Today, I found out that my great-grandmother was a cougar, seducing men who were barely older than I am now. I did not need to know this information. Thanks Grandma. FML

By Lunar-Spice - 23/6/2021 00:01 - United States - Midlothian

Stop talking!

554

Today, I discovered that my cat will not use a litter box if it has a lid. How did I discover this? The two weeks of crystallized cat pee coating the floor under my 19th century grand piano. FML

By Anonymous - 23/6/2021 04:01

Pissed

505

254

Today, I realized I freaking hate my career. I've only got through a semester, but I feel like I can't end the four years it takes. FML

By Anonymous - 23/6/2021 02:01

Alexa, play "Career Opportunities" by The Clash

481

126

Today, the father of my children told me he is having gastric bypass surgery, which is 10,000 dollars. He is 9K behind on child support. FML

By AJM - 22/6/2021 18:01 - United States

Priorities

655

125

Today, I trusted my mother-in-law to watch my 3 year-old son while my husband and I were at work. She fell asleep while watching him and he somehow opened the door, ran outside, fell and scraped his knee. Her response was, "Oh well, what doesn’t kill him makes him stronger." FML

By KarinaO - 22/6/2021 22:01

World's best babysitter

798

206

Today, my husband and I had a huge fight; I asked him if he could spend a few nights with me instead of his PS5. We haven't had sex in 2 months because he is always playing the PS5 at night till late, and he wakes up late too. This means no opportunities to have sex at night, or the morning. FML

By Anonymous - 22/6/2021 14:01 - Malaysia

Frustrated

1051

164

Today, my boyfriend told me the sauce he made for our dinner that was meat-based, trying to show me how nice meat is and stop me being a weirdo vegan. The reason I’m vegan is because my digestive system can’t handle animal protein. I’m writing this from the bathroom, vomiting myself to death. FML

By Anonymous - 22/6/2021 18:00

Ingredients check

953

108

Today, I had various items thrown at me all day at school, one one of which was a ruler that landed flat on my back where I had blistered and peeling sunburn. I yelped, "Motherf***er!" because of the pain, and I was the one given detention. FML

By Anonymous - 22/6/2021 16:01

Paul Blurt

700

109

Today, my long-distance boyfriend decided to tell me he found a girl in his hometown he’s become attracted to, and that he doesn’t love me anymore. He says we can "still be friends." I’d just driven 100 miles to see him. FML

By DumpedGirl89 - 22/6/2021 14:01

Long distance

784