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Today, I started my new job as a UPS delivery guy. I successfully delivered only 3 out of the 25 packages : One to my ex and his new boyfriend, one to an elderly lady who pissed herself because, "I rang the bell to loud" and one to a little girl who screamed, "Stranger danger !" FML

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By patate - / Wednesday 20 September 2017 13:00 /

Today, after years of pain and swelling in my foot from what I thought was chronic ankle sprains, I found out I have a broken bone in my foot. I have no clue how long it's been broken. FML

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indienerdgirl Say more :

Hey all OP here. I'm surprised this got published. But yes I did go to doctors and I got Xrays. Long story short is after the first sprain it became a problem during the winter months. My husband jokes that I like to kiss the sidewalk. I went to 2 doctors who just thought they were sprains and took xrays and saw nothing. One sent me to doctor #3 who thought my tendons were over stretched and sent me...

By "indienerdgirl" - / Wednesday 20 September 2017 09:35 /

Today, while playing ping pong, my brother got mad that he lost and threw the paddle at my head, causing me to fall backwards into the TV mounted on the wall. Now I have a concussion and have to pay to replace the TV. FML

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By Anonymous - / Wednesday 20 September 2017 04:30 /

Today, my buddy congratulated me on getting a girl's phone number written on my arm. I was too embarrassed to tell him it was the number I needed to find my furniture at IKEA . FML

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By Loner - / Tuesday 19 September 2017 19:30 / United States - Paramus

Are You Too Damn Sexy? Simmer Down to That Dad Bod With the Dadbag

These days, women are tired of Prince Charming. The Seth Rogen look has been brewing in the hearts of eligible bachelorettes for some...

By Nina - / Wednesday 20 September 2017 00:30 / France - Paris

Today, when I woke up I saw that my bald head is covered with my wife's period blood. Again. She does it regularly once a month, despite asking her not to. She thinks this blood activates hair growth. She is serious. FML

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By stillloverher - / Tuesday 19 September 2017 23:45 /

World

Today, a day before my birthday, I'm submitting my unplanned resignation after receiving an applicant's phone call inquiring about my position. Because yep, there was already an ad for an opening in my position. FML

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By beybmoo - / Wednesday 20 September 2017 03:45 / Singapore - Singapore

Today, I found out that most of my family has the same fetish as I do. I don't know whether to be revolted or relieved that I'm not the only one. FML

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By Ewwwwno - / Tuesday 19 September 2017 11:00 / United States - Seattle

Some Dude Got His Penis Stuck in a Gym Weight and It Took Firefighters Three Hours to Cut it Out

In this edition of “Don’t Put Your Dick in That” the FML news team heads to Germany, where one lascivious gym-goer gave into the allure...

By Nina - / Tuesday 19 September 2017 18:30 /

Today, I was playing a game on my boyfriend's phone when he got a text from a girl saying, "last night was so fun." When I asked him about it, he panicked and said, "we were hunting Bigfoot." FML

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By poisonivyandbigfoot - / Tuesday 19 September 2017 16:00 /

Today, my seemingly innocent younger brother showed our family a video of what he was doing last night when he skipped New Student Orientation. He's been in college all of 48 hours and he's already joined a fight club. FML

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By Anonymous - / Tuesday 19 September 2017 13:00 /

Today, I broke a toe. It was not too bad and I can still walk, but the doctors had to tape it to the next toe to help it heal. Turns out I am allergic to the glue on the tape. The pain of the blisters covering two toes and the itch is worst than the break. FML

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By floff - / Tuesday 19 September 2017 04:30 /

Today, some wisenheimer hacked my Facebook account and posted that I just won the Powerball. I now currently have 284 "friend" requests and 142 tags as "family". FML

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By lucky? - / Tuesday 19 September 2017 01:30 /

Improve your life with these simple anti-FML life hacks!

The following information are called "Life Hacks" because they aim to pirate your way of life and make it better. However, some are...

By MacGyver - / Tuesday 19 September 2017 00:30 /

Today, I discovered I have a condition that causes loss of feeling in my clitoris during sex. FML

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By numbcrumb - / Monday 18 September 2017 23:15 /

World

Today, I've spent hours looking at photos of my husband and his ex-girlfriends that his mother keeps in a photo album. She doesn't have any pictures of us. We're married and expecting our first child. FML

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By Anonymous - / Monday 18 September 2017 21:45 / Slovenia - Medvode

Today, I dropped my 6-month-old $3,500 guitar. Luckily, it had a one year warranty from the store so I drove back. It was shut down. FML

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By Renna303 - / Monday 18 September 2017 20:00 /

This Twitter Saga About A 12-Year-Old Who Gets His Girlfriend Pregnant Is A Comedy Roller Coaster You’re Going to Want to Ride

In the latest literary blockbuster à la Twitter, a pre-teen learns the importance of sex education after his girlfriend tells him he’s...

By Nina - / Monday 18 September 2017 18:30 / France - Paris

Today, I found out the works council won't let the company offer me the job for which I was the only applicant because the council requires 3 years experience with the company. I've only been here for 2 years, 10 months, and 26 days. FML

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By starving_freelancer_forever - / Monday 18 September 2017 16:00 /

Today, I found out that both of my cats are afraid of mice. So far I've seen them run and hide from 3 different mice who've recently invaded my apartment. FML

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By "Brain_fart" - / Monday 18 September 2017 05:00 / United States - Salt Lake City

Today, despite being claustrophobic and avoiding lifts at all costs, I had to use the lift at work to carry boxes of paper to the 3rd floor. It broke down. FML

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By LETMEOUT! - / Monday 18 September 2017 04:30 /

Today, I realized that the random string of numbers I deleted in my phone notes a few months ago was actually the pin code to my new bank account. FML

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By Anonymous - / Monday 18 September 2017 01:30 /

FML's 15 favorite and/or weirdest blunders of the week!

Whether it's people not understanding how the world works or just people fucking their shit up, this is the place to check out idiots...

By Hawkeye Pierce - / Monday 18 September 2017 00:30 /

Today, I was watching my dog via security camera live feed, when my roommate came in completely naked to make breakfast for himself. FML

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By oneloveliz - / Sunday 17 September 2017 23:15 /

Today, I found my wallet while cleaning my room. The same wallet I'd accused my drug-dealing stepbrother of stealing a month ago. The same wallet that has $500 in it that I was certain he'd taken. The same one my stepfather yelled at him for, because he believed me. FML

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By Klutche - / Sunday 17 September 2017 14:00 / United States - Seminole

30 Times Women Had the Perfect Comeback to Creepy Guys Texting

When a dude tries sliding into your DMs with some creepy shit, things can get out of hand. But while being on the receiving end of...

By Nina - / Sunday 17 September 2017 18:30 /

Today, I walked out of my boyfriend's house to see my car window smashed in and my steering wheel cover stolen. I was only staying at his place because there had been a rash of vehicle break-ins in my neighborhood. FML

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By "Mel Hahn" - / Sunday 17 September 2017 16:00 /

Today, my mom bitched me out in front of my friends because I had my first kiss at "such a young age". She's 15 years older than me. FML

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By MrDisgrace - / Sunday 17 September 2017 13:00 /

Today, after storing it for a year, driving it 750 miles to a new home, and waiting a week for a wall mount to come in, I was ready to hang the hand-painted, decorative window my brother gave me. The chain snapped as I picked it up and it shattered when it hit the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - / Sunday 17 September 2017 04:30 /

Today, while sorting through my deceased mother's hoard of belongings, I found myself holding a necklace composed entirely of teeth. Human teeth. FML

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By Anonymous - / Sunday 17 September 2017 01:30 /

Happy birthday !

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Today, I was enjoying my last day of Spring Break in Panama City. I got up to dance on the stage at the Holiday Inn in front of hundreds of college kids....

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Today, my girlfriend was giving me head during the horror flick we were watching. Little did I know, my girlfriend isn't a big fan of horror films. It...

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Today, while spending the night at a friend's house, I was woken up by someone kicking me. I figured she was having a nightmare, and since we were sharing...

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Today, I surprisingly found two empty seats on the subway. Before anyone could get to them, I rushed and triumphantly sat down, enjoying my victory, until...

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Today, my husband officially voiced he definitely wanted a divorce. I was speechless. He took that to mean that I don't care about our marriage. FML.

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Today, I met a 21 year old proud mother of six. I noticed she had more children than teeth. Gotta love working in a hospital. FML

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Today, a day before my birthday, I'm submitting my unplanned resignation after receiving an applicant's phone call inquiring about my position. Because...

Today, I've spent hours looking at photos of my husband and his ex-girlfriends that his mother keeps in a photo album. She doesn't have any pictures of...

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Today, while fingering my girlfriend in the dark, I tried to be sexy and licked my fingers. After we turned the lights back on, we realized that her period...

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Today, my girlfriend was sick for the fourth day in a row. I stopped by her house to check on her and bring some necessities, only to find her ex's truck...

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