Your everyday life stories

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Today, I figured I've been watching too many horror films, due to my parrot mimicking a women's blood-curdling screams that he heard in a movie. How do I know? He decided to reproduce the screams at 3 a.m. FML

By Anonymous - 23/10/2019 20:00

Bird song

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Today, I decided to get a spray tan. I'm now more orange than the current president of the United States. FML

By Anonymous - 23/10/2019 18:00

Trumped

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Today, it was brought to my attention that my dog has a giant anus. I'd never noticed. Now I can't stop staring at his silver dollar-sized backdoor. FML

By Anonymous - 23/10/2019 16:02

Once you see it…

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Today, I went to take a shower. I noticed a funky smell, but I just assumed it was from whoever had been there last. When I pulled the shower curtain back, I found out that my sister has stopped using feminine hygiene products for her period. It looked like someone had died in the bathtub. FML

By Lunar-Spice - 23/10/2019 14:00

Free the Flow!

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Today, I was with my four year-old daughter when we met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman I know. My daughter looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?" FML

By Anonymous - 23/10/2019 12:00

Kids, eh?

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Today, my boyfriend sent me a bouquet of roses with a message attached. The message said, "Ever since your dog died you've stopped putting out, so I think we should break up." FML

By KidCudi227 - 23/10/2019 06:00 - United States

Empathy

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Today, my fiancée suggested a 'Back To The Future' - themed wedding. FML

By minnie - 23/10/2019 04:00 - Australia

How would that work?

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Today, I got told I was a bitch because I wouldn’t let a homeless man dig through my dumpster at work, even though he was hungry. We don’t even sell food. I work at a sex store. FML

By pornstorebitch - 23/10/2019 00:01

Knock yourself out, dude

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Today, I've got two family members over to stay. So far, I have found a dirty Q-Tip, a nasty toe nail and had to clean up period blood from toilets, bin, and the floor. FML

By Anonymous - 22/10/2019 22:00 - France

Classy

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Today, my boyfriend and I got into a huge argument when I suggested we start sleeping in separate rooms. He thinks I don’t love him anymore, but that’s not the case. I’m madly in love with him, but he snores like a freight train and thrashes like a fucking Ninja Turtle all night. FML

By ineed sleep!!! - 22/10/2019 20:00

Let me sleep!

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Today, twelve days after stomach surgery, I birthed a left behind, forgotten blood-stained stinky surgical swab from my vagina. I have no idea why it was there in the first place. I feel violated. FML

By Lilahpaints - 22/10/2019 18:00

My Baby Boy

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Today, my girlfriend and I were spending the night at a hotel. We were awoken at 3 a.m. by the fire alarm. We quickly got dressed, went down the stairs to the reception area… and were told that it was a false alarm. All because some jerk lit a cigarette in his room. FML

By Mel Cluze - 22/10/2019 16:00

Fire!

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Today, my boyfriend’s female "best friend" hates me for absolutely no other reason other than she, "just doesn’t get along with girls." Boyfriend doesn’t see a problem with this, and insists I should just accept it since, "that’s just how she is." Time to throw the whole man away. FML

By bad friend - 22/10/2019 05:00 - United States - Monterey Park

Hissy fit incoming!

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Today, I received a text forward from a good friend inviting me to his birthday party. Jokingly, I texted back, "No. I hate you and I don't want to go to your lame party." He replied with an apology for the mix-up, because he'd accidentally sent me the invite. FML

By nali1122 - 22/10/2019 12:00

Burned!

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Today, I had an argument with my dad about Venice being in Italy, not Spain. He wouldn't believe me, and had to Google it. He's an engineer for an aerospace company. FML

By SMRT - 22/10/2019 06:00 - United States - Chattanooga

Geography for Dummies

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Today, as I searched for food to take to work for lunch, I noticed that the only recent addition to our fridge is chocolate milk and popsicles. My mom went grocery shopping yesterday. FML

By hungry - 22/10/2019 04:00 - Canada - Halifax

Parenting gone feral

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Today, my Twitter got hacked, and I can't get it back. Everyone now thinks I live in a trailer and have multiple STDs. FML

By haaaye - 22/10/2019 02:00 - United States

Sounds cosy

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Today, while walking down the street, I was violently beaten up by a man in a Darth Vader outfit. FML

By Anonymous - 22/10/2019 00:01

Halloween has started early

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Today, while at a party, my boyfriend threw a temper tantrum. He screamed at me and then gave me the silent treatment. All because I said, "No thank you" to the crab dip he got for me. I'm allergic to shellfish, we've been dating for two years and it's come up before. FML

By Mary - 21/10/2019 22:00 - United States

He's trying to kill you!

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Today, my ex threatened to not return my things that she still has. She even went on to say she will burn them, because she hates me and I "broke her heart". Not only has it been over half a year since we broke up, but she was the one who broke up with me. FML

By wowie - 21/10/2019 20:00

Rebel without a cause.

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Today, I took in an old friend’s fat cat for a month until she finds a place to live. Turns out the cat isn’t fat, just pregnant. I found out when I found two of her dead kittens in my living room. FML

By Anonymous - 21/10/2019 18:00

Spay and neuter, people!

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Today, after having sex with my boyfriend for the first time, he told me he wanted to break up. He told me my orgasm face wasn't something he could put up with. FML

By stephhh055 - 21/10/2019 16:00 - United States - Portland

Valid reason

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Today, I'm going to a cocktail event, except my dress is wrinkled and can't be ironed, so I got my steam cleaner from storage. I saw what looked like mold inside the water container. Turns out a mouse had got into the water container, drowned and started to decompose. My apartment now smells like death and my dress is still wrinkled. FML

By Anonymous - 21/10/2019 14:00

Alas, poor Mickey

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Today, I decided to face my fears and go on my first upside-down ride. Unfortunately for me, the two men in front of me had chosen to eat before the ride and I walked off with bits of strawberry and bacon in my hair, my clothes drenched in whitish fluid, not to mention the stench. FML

By bobra - 21/10/2019 12:00

Helter Skelter

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Today, my mother decided to cook dinner for us and used rice that she had in her cupboard. While helping out, I stirred the dish and noticed black flecks. Turns out they were rice weevils. She tried to convince me it was "burnt garlic" and served it to the rest of the family. FML

By sunitgir - 21/10/2019 06:00

Gordon Ramsey is furious

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Today, I was having really great sex with my boyfriend. I was on top and he seemed like he was really enjoying it. Then, I realized he'd fallen asleep. FML

By sarabellekitty - 21/10/2019 04:00

Relaxed

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Today, my husband told me doesn't really love me. He only married me because we had a daughter, and his grandmother told him he had to so she wouldn't be "an abomination to God." FML

By dazzla08 - 21/10/2019 02:00 - United States

Fundies say the darndest things

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Today, there was a gas leak at work. We called the fire department, who advised us to evacuate the building. We called our manager to let her know, and her response was "Oh, don’t do that." My boss would rather let us die of carbon monoxide exposure than lose out on 3 hours of work. FML

By Anonymous - 21/10/2019 00:01

Seize the means of production!

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Today, it will be the third time since moving to this area that I will have to call out of work because of gunshots heard nearby, police looking for someone and advising us to stay indoors. FML

By ChiefKoala - 20/10/2019 22:00

This is America

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