Your everyday life stories

Today, I went to a nice restaurant with my grandfather, who kept telling me to be kind towards our waiter, as he was probably just starting his summer job. The same waiter who, as my granddad had probably forgotten, had brought us our food six months ago and was now standing four feet away. FML

By forthethreeofus - 22/7/2019 22:00

189

Today, my downstairs neighbor is single, clever and incredibly hot, while the upstairs neighbor is loud and obnoxious, not to mention a creep. I silently prayed every day for my neighbor to leave the building, and today, my prayer was answered: my neighbor moved out. Guess which one. FML

By OhCanada - 22/7/2019 20:00

352

Today, while on a beach with my 3 year-long boyfriend, I went on his phone to find a restaurant I'd sent him on Instagram. Instead, I found countless messages to other women, trying to slide into their DMs. Needless to say, everyone on that beach got a free show. FML

By Anonymous - 22/7/2019 18:00

535

Today, I had to go to the dentist to get 11 cavities filled. I took a wrong turn and ended up being 10 minutes late. My dentist told I had to reschedule because of his "10 minute policy." I have to wait 14 days now to get my cavities filled. FML

By Anonymous - 22/7/2019 16:01

453

300

Today, the wife and I were in the middle of having sex. She was bent over and I was taking her to pound town. I look over to see my 3 year-old son standing in the doorway, humping air. FML

By Darin Greenwood - 22/7/2019 14:00

425

669

Today, I took my 8 year-old daughter to an airplane museum to show her the kinds of aircraft I’ve worked on during my 30+ year career. In the first 15 minutes, I had grease on my new shirt, bumped my head, spilled coffee and cut my hand. Sums up my career. Only 10 more years to go. FML

By kipper - 22/7/2019 12:00

612

Today, I was informed that my flatmate had not handed his documents in to the new landlord like he'd told me. We are due to move to a new area tomorrow for the new job that I start in 4 days. Now we can't move for another week. Anyone have a spare couch? FML

By wookieewhosshe - 22/7/2019 06:43

761

Today, I was texting my crush. He wasn’t really into the texts because he was barely replying, until he texted back calling me "baby." I got so excited, I almost cried, until he corrected himself and said that the text wasn’t for me. I cried. FML

By Unlovable - 22/7/2019 04:00

Ah, puppy love…

861

267

Today, after 3 months of job hunting, I finally got a job. But now my birth certificate and social security card are somehow lost, and I can't start until I let them see a copy. FML

By xXPikachuXx - 22/7/2019 02:01

868

212

Today, my family drove me to the airport. Before they said goodbye, my mom discreetly pulled me to one side and asked if I'd remembered to pack my birth control pills. Unfortunately, my little sister heard, then chased me through the security line, yelling, "YOU'RE ON BIRTH CONTROL?!" FML

By Anonymous - 22/7/2019 00:01

991

117

Today, I happily went to an interview after job searching for months. I learned a large part of my job would be cleaning the toilets. Every. Single. Hour. I used to lecture at a university until budget cuts happened. FML

By Former Professor - 21/7/2019 22:00

1274

102

Today, my best friend told me he loved me, so I reminded him that I'm a lesbian. "That's just a phase, just wait till you suck my dick," was his reply. He was serious. FML

By Anonymous - 21/7/2019 20:00

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158

By Mystic Alan - 21/7/2019 18:00

FML's Weekly Horoscope - 21st of July 2019

Find out what bullshit the asshole stars and planets have in store for you this week!

Today, the neighbors' kid got a new airhorn. FML

By Anonymous - 21/7/2019 16:15

1318

Today, I got my hand caught in a belt sander while sanding down what was supposed to become a "Caution" sign. FML

By stickyickystone - 21/7/2019 14:12

1083

240

Today, I arrived at the doctor's to schedule surgery to find out my insurance got canceled again. I only just got it reinstated after the last time they screwed up and canceled it. It took me 6 months to get it fixed. FML

By LostSoul - 21/7/2019 12:10

1274

Today, I was told I have a brother… By a stranger in a parking lot, while leaving my grandfather's wake. FML

By ChloeisaDoll - 21/7/2019 06:01

1325

Today, I got charged with drink driving, without even driving my car. FML

By Ladyfarquard - 21/7/2019 04:03

1086

373

Today, I found out that pretending to be a bum begging for money can get you stuck in a jail cell for a few hours. FML

By darknight - 21/7/2019 02:03

360

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Today, my girlfriend refused to have sex with me, because my underwear are Fruit of the Loom instead of Hanes. According to her, since all real men wear Hanes, I'm unfit to have sex with her because I wear Fruit of the Loom and am therefore not a man. FML

By Nutty - 21/7/2019 00:04

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250

Today, I had someone place two separate to-go orders, so that he could use two of his "25% off" coupons. He couldn't understand why it wasn't 50% off his total bill, no matter how many times I plainly explained it to him. FML

By Anonymous - 20/7/2019 22:06

1387

Today, I was told I have kidney stones, kidney infections, and a bladder infection and that I have to get admitted into the hospital. I let my boss know, and she replied, "But you're still coming in for your shift tonight, right?" FML

By lxygrl - 20/7/2019 13:07 - United States - Phenix City

1614

Today, after being promised a job and attending five full days of training and induction for a job as a bicycle delivery officer, I was denied the job at the very end of the last day for, "riding my bicycle too quickly on the road." FML

By TooFast - 21/7/2019 02:00 - Australia - Mount Druitt

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Today, my cat attempted to make up for my insomnia with a dead mouse. I have no idea where he got it. FML

By Anonymous - 20/7/2019 09:00 - United States - Tulsa

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101

Today, I walked in on my brother masturbating. In the living room. For the second time. FML

By Anonymous - 20/7/2019 22:00 - Australia - Brighton

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Today, I’m on holiday with my mum. She got so pissed, she fell over on the dance floor at the children’s disco, then had to rely on a stranger to keep her upright so I could go get the car to take her home. FML

By DrunkenMum - 20/7/2019 12:00

1155

Today, I found out my boyfriend made a move to hook up with my best friend. She was about to reciprocate, only for him to suddenly tell her that she’s a horrible friend, and then he told me about it. I’m not sure if I should be picking sides here. FML

By bruh - 20/7/2019 06:20

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Today, nine hours into a ten-hour shift, I accidentally told a customer, "You're a problem!" instead of, "You're welcome!" or, "No problem!" She gave me a dirty look and hurried off before I could correct myself. FML

By Oopsie - 20/7/2019 04:00

1114

174

Today, I had a dream about sleeping, which is a dream I have frequently. I’m exhausted even when I sleep. FML

By amy - 20/7/2019 02:09

1193