Your everyday life stories

330

Today, my boyfriend tried to compliment my date-night attire. His brain couldn't decide between, "So pretty" and, "You're the shit," so his mouth decided, "You're so shitty" would suffice. FML

By Anonymous - 21/9/2019 22:00 - United States - Athens

Close, but no cigar

529

Today, I was thinking about how I saw Eric from That '70s Show at an airport and never said anything to him. I still regret it. FML

By thisshtissad - 22/9/2019 02:01

Travel away from the sadness

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Today, I just found out my best friend is a hooker. I just thought she worked nights and had terrible taste in clothes. FML

By Anonymous - 22/9/2019 00:01

BFF

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Today, I told my conservative friends over dinner that I was a bit of a liberal. They then went off on me about how liberals are lazy, stupid, and a financial burden on society. I was the only employed person at the table with a college degree and not living with my parents. FML

By NormtheNorm - 21/9/2019 15:00 - United States - Enterprise

Bipartisan spirit

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131

Today, my boyfriend took me out to a fancy dinner. Halfway through, he said he wanted to break up. I started crying, but the whole restaurant thought he'd proposed, and started clapping. FML

By Brianna Michelle Ferrell - 21/9/2019 20:00

Mixed signals

824

Today, I found out I have herpes. I'm 9 months pregnant and have only been with my husband. It just so happens that our roommate just got over herpes. I thought they were just spending time together, bonding. FML

By Cirese Summerrose - 21/9/2019 18:00

Sharing is caring

935

Today, at work, an old lady was staring at my crotch a lot. I looked down, thinking maybe I had an open fly. I didn't. FML

By Anonymous - 21/9/2019 16:01

Checked out

652

Today, I found out my that my girlfriend's parents hate me, all because they saw me laughing and hanging out with another girl. That other girl was my sister. FML

By Anyonymous_101 - 21/9/2019 14:02

Alexa, play "All You Need Is Hate" by The Delgados

864

Today, I was checking my friends' posts on Facebook and all of them were complaining what a boring night they had. They were all just at my house. FML

By Anonymous - 21/9/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Wakefield

You made them use coasters, Monica

797

Today, I was at work, cleaning up a construction site. I picked up a beer can and accidentally spilled some of it on me. My boss came in to check on me and thought I was drunk. Instead of getting a raise, I was fired. FML

By paulcorrea95 - 21/9/2019 06:07 - United States

Boozing on the job

1010

Today, a 100-foot maple tree fell on my house. I was inside. I was sleeping. FML

By Anonymous - 21/9/2019 04:04 - United States

Heavy

993

Today, I woke up feeling amazing. Upon looking at my phone, I saw a text from my boyfriend's ex, saying, "I'm sorry." Ten minutes later, I received a slew of angry text messages from my boyfriend, thanks to his ex. What an amazing day. FML

By howard1954 - 21/9/2019 03:18

Text Wars

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His ex is also the mother of his child. She has been wanting to go off on him for various reasons, which I told her was a bad idea, trying to keep the cool amongst all of us. But, my boyfriend told her he wanted the iPhone he bought for her a few years ago back, and she decided to tell him that I have been telling her various things about our personal life. This was not true, and she only said it to...

howard1954 Say more :

By Anonymous - 21/9/2019 02:00

Brutal

Today, my girlfriend told me that she prefers to be on top because I appear skinnier than I actually am. FML

667

108

Today, while picking my daughter up from school, I saw her being beaten by two boys while the teacher stood there doing nothing. I ran to help, but then she pushed one of the boys off her. The teacher then pulled her away, yelled at her and then yelled at me for "not raising my kid right." FML

By angry mama - 21/9/2019 00:01

The Headmaster Ritual

985

Today, I was fooling around with my partner after his shower. He moved my hands up to push me against the wall. Instead of hitting the wall, my hands hit the shower rod. It fell on my face and I got a bloody nose. FML

By LaLa - 20/9/2019 22:00

One nation, under rod

781

Today, I worked a 9-hour retail like this. I didn't notice until 3 hours into my shift and had to deal with this embarrassment for the next 6 hours. FML

By marina1686 - 20/9/2019 20:00

If the shoe fits…

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528

By Alan - 20/9/2019 18:00

FML's Favorite Funny Fuck-Ups of the Week!

Here's a bunch of people (and animals) fucking up, or just not understanding how the world works. Relatable stuff!

Today, my boyfriend wouldn’t stop smacking and slurping his food. I told him to at least chew with his mouth closed. He looked me dead in the eye, with a mouth full of chewed up pizza, and said, “No.” FML

By muskogee - 20/9/2019 16:00

Prince Charming

905

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Today, I saw a scorpion crawling across the kitchen floor. While trying to swat it towards the middle of the floor to prevent it from escaping as I looked for something to kill it with, my cat came to investigate. Kitty thought I was playing with a new toy and joined in by batting the scorpion under the oven. I know it's plotting its revenge. FML

By fml9124 - 20/9/2019 14:00

Hidden

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Today, I ordered a beer with my parents at dinner. The waitress said, "Oh, happy 22nd birthday." My parents eyes got really big, and they started to blush. They'd forgotten it was my birthday. FML

By Anonymous - 20/9/2019 12:00

Carded B.

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Today, I applied mascara directly onto my eyeball. FML

By pickle - 20/9/2019 06:01

Ouch!

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415

Today, my 17 year-old brother asked me if I used birth control. When I told him I did, he responded, "Isn't that like using an inhalor when you don't have asthma?" FML

By beenawhile - 20/9/2019 04:03 - United States - Boston

Fair point

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Today, my dad asked me if I needed crayons for school. I'm going to college this fall. FML

By collegestudent - 20/9/2019 02:01

Alexa, play "What's My Age Again?" by Blink182

1002

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Today, I was hosting my kid's birthday party. I had a bunch of small trinkets, so I grabbed the first container I could find to put them in. It wasn’t until I went out and someone yelled, "I’ll take a heavy flow!" that I realized it was an empty tampon box. FML

By Anonymous - 20/9/2019 00:01

If only they hadn't learned to read…

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Today, while at my family reunion, I learned my grandparents were first cousins. No wonder we're all crazy hillbillies. FML

By Anonymous - 19/9/2019 20:00

Deliverance

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Today, while rushing upstairs to have sex, I tripped on the stairs and rammed my naked boner into the edge of the step. All my wife could do is laugh at me. Now it even hurts to pee or put my trousers on. FML

By Anonymous - 19/9/2019 18:00

Cockstepblocked

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Today, after a whole summer of waiting, I went to check my school's website so that I could start my first year again since I had some complications the first time round. I found out that they'd blocked my account and that the fee I'd have to pay was now triple the original. FML

By DebbiemontG - 19/9/2019 16:01

Pay up, sunshine

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Today, I got home from the hospital. Yesterday was my birthday, and I got a piece of steak caught in my lower esophagus, resulting in a trip to the ER and an overnight stay so they could put me under and fish it out. I’m not allowed meat for a month while they find out what caused it. FML

By ER Birthday - 19/9/2019 14:00

Unhappy Birthday

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Today, I called my boyfriend at 2 a.m., telling him I couldn't sleep. He replied, "Well, I can," and hung up. FML

By that1summergirl - 19/9/2019 12:00 - Canada

Riverdale is a lie

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