The best jokes about life

Today, my teenage son reacted to the news of his cousin's death like I’d just told him a bug got squashed on a car windscreen. He didn’t even look away from his computer screen, or react in any way. He seemed more annoyed that I’d interrupted him. FML

By Anonymous - 3/8/2021 19:59

Teenage Riot

139

Today, I ended up in the hospital by accidentally eating poisonous berries, from a plant that I've known since childhood to be poisonous, which I also recognized as belonging to the nightshade family. I still don’t understand what made them look tasty. Brain fart of the century, I guess. FML

By Anonymous - 3/8/2021 18:01 - Germany

Nature is healing

238

Today, I finally found out why my wife always told me to never visit her at work. You see, my wife and I are dark haired with blue/brown eyes and our daughter is blonde with very striking emerald green eyes. You know who else is blonde with striking emerald eyes? My wife’s boss. FML

By Anonymous - 3/8/2021 16:01

Suspicious Minds

483

Today, my dog had REALLY bad diarrhea. I found that out when I woke up to find it all over my bed. FML

By Anonymous Taco Man - 3/8/2021 08:01 - United States

Top of the mornin' to ya!

326

Today, life gave me lemons, delivering them straight to my nuts via my neighbor's tennis ball shooter. FML

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Net!

29719

2785

Today, I learned that I’m being forced to go back to a position I do not want, or find a new job. I’ve been with the company for 12 years. FML

By Wtf do I do - 3/8/2021 10:00

Wage slaves unite

412

Today, my parents asked me if I was sure I didn't want to join them on a family trip tomorrow with my sister. I was never invited, and unlike the rest of the family, I have a full-time job where I can't just take days off with no warning. This is how they announce most "family trips" to me. FML

By Anonymous - 3/8/2021 07:59 - Denmark - Copenhagen

How to invite someone without actually inviting them

483

Today, my son had a fever and bad cough all night. Turns out he has RSV. My friend's baby, whose birthday party we went to a few days ago, also has RSV, and had been sick all week. She knew this and still went through with the party, without informing any of us parents. Now my baby is on breathing treatments. FML

By Anonymous - 3/8/2021 05:59

Superspreader event

627

Today, I finally mustered up the courage to tell my overly-religious parents that I'm an agnostic. They asked me why. As soon as I gave my reasons, my mom called me a "bigot" and hurled a bible at me, and it nailed me in the crotch. She then said, "That's what you get, non-believer." FML

By Anonymous - 2/8/2021 21:01 - United States - Steele

God is Dead 6: Electric Boogaloo

393

Today, it hit me hard that the girl I love is not still not interested after a year. She's now ghosting me, and she hangs out with my friends daily. She constantly talks about dating in front of me and only text/calls me when I post shorts/stories hanging out with other girls, just to pull me back in. FML

By Anonymous - 3/8/2021 01:59

On the leash

437

371

Today, after years of being unable to work because of chronic illness, I finished my second week of a new job. I'm so utterly and completely wiped out, I don't know if I can continue. FML

By sick not siiiick - 2/8/2021 18:01 - Australia

Chronic

567

Today, a crazed woman started screaming at me at the dog park. She was saying that I was cruel and unfit to be a pet owner, and she ought to kick my ass. My dog's ears and tail were cropped before I even got him. He’s a rescue and came to me like this. She wouldn’t listen and followed me to my car. FML

By peta eata - 2/8/2021 13:01 - United States

Dog people

723

Today, the girl I've been flirting with for a few weeks invited me to a house party. I gradually found out that she's been talking to my good buddy, they've been dating, actually they've been banging the whole time. And now she's in a bikini bouncing on his lap as we play Cards Against Humanity. FML

By Anonymous - 2/8/2021 20:01

The best time of your life

660

129

Today, I got into my car to remember that I left dead fish and waxworms in my car from fishing at the lake yesterday. We unloaded everything but those two stinky things. It was 90 degrees today too. FML

By Jenni - 2/8/2021 11:01 - United States - Chicago

Stink bomb

190

800

Today, my psychotic ex-boyfriend hit a brand new low. I was served court papers, saying that he’s suing me by demanding I give him a paternity test for my daughter. He’s also telling everyone he’s her real father. He and I were broken up for more than a year before I even got pregnant. FML

By what the actual fuck?! - 2/8/2021 07:01 - United States

Exes from hell

811

Today, my mom is trying to be quiet, thinking me asleep. This means she will whisper to the dogs in the upstairs hallway, then quietly go downstairs where she will bang the doors so hard the house shakes. Apparently, she thinks each floor is in its own separate dimension. FML

By Anonymous - 2/8/2021 14:01 - Germany - Ebersbach

Shifting

599

Today, my mother who learned English as an adult sent an email to my boss, thanking them for hiring me even though I'm "retarded." I’m a law school graduate who was diagnosed with a minor learning disability in kindergarten, but she still calls me "retarded" when speaking English. FML

By Jan - 2/8/2021 13:01

Language barrier

757

Today, while watching the Olympics, my father found it completely necessary to make a farting sound every single time an athlete jumps or bends over. This will be a very long few weeks. FML

By joleezad5 - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Nixa

Same joke, different year

24013

2443

Today, I got a lecture from my mother about how bad my stress has been, how I have to treat myself better and do something with my life. She still doesn't realize that most of the cause of my stress has been from her berating me about how stressed out I am. FML

By Anonymous - 2/8/2021 02:01 - United States - Floral Park

The root

678

Today, it appears I’m allergic. My stomach inflates like a soccer ball and produces terrible gas, and I really don’t feel so good in general. What am I allergic to? Summertime. Every year. FML

By Anonymous - 2/8/2021 06:01 - Germany - Ebersbach

Heatwave

578

Today, my love life comes down to a choice in loneliness: I can either be alone, because I never meet anyone these days, let alone an interesting guy. Or, I can go back to my ex, who I left because he made me feel alone while sitting right next to him. FML

By Anonymous - 2/8/2021 04:01

Sophie's Choice

591

112

Today, my sister outed me to my very conservative parents as retaliation for not taking her to get McDonald’s at 2 a.m. last night. My mom gave me an ultimatum, either "stop the lesbian shit" or get the fuck out of her house. My sister smirked through the whole thing. FML

By Gayafnow - 2/8/2021 02:01

Cruel

1062

111

Today, I woke up and wished I hadn’t. I’m broke, tired, hungry and sick of my family, who is rich by the way, not even contributing a penny to help me from being evicted. Oh, and I lost my job last week. FML

By Anonymous - 2/8/2021 00:01

Blood is thicker than a dollar bill

576

305

Today, my son-in-law's parents were saying it was a shame our kids are so busy working they have to babysit all day 4 days a week. Me and my wife babysit 3 days a week, which is when we realised our kids have basically tricked us 4 grandparents into raising their baby all week, including weekends. FML

By Anonymous - 1/8/2021 22:01

You got played

768

150

Today, I went to a music festival with my boyfriend and ran into his female bestie. She refused to say “Hello”, looked at me up and down, and made passive-aggressive remarks under her breath. After a while of us three hanging out, she stormed off and told him, "We’ll talk about this later, call me." FML

By Festivalgal - 1/8/2021 20:01

Festival spirit

1074

Today, I came home early from work and walked in on my husband in bed with his two young female "bible study students" from his church. Now I remember why he explicitly said to never interrupt his, "Sunday School Studies" with them. FML

By Anonymous - 1/8/2021 18:01

Sinning is winning

1001

Today, I learned that I actually like my boiled eggs a bit softer than I usually make them. I also learned that an outwardly lukewarm egg, when bitten into enthusiastically, is perfectly capable of creating a volcanic eruption of boiling hot yolk all over your hands, clothes and kitchen. FML

By Anonymous - 1/8/2021 16:01

"Eruption" by Van Halen time

479

284

Today, my boyfriend told me he doesn't like having sex with me, because I get too wet and it makes him go limp. FML

By Anonymous - 1/8/2021 14:01

Wet noodle

982

Today, I received a call from my husband of 10 years from prison. He sobbed on the phone as he explained to me that his anger got the best of him, and couldn’t control himself. He beat the pulp out of a classmate of his for declining a date with him, and sent her to the hospital. FML

By dididikaisik - 1/8/2021 05:01 - United States

Nice husband you've got there…

1033