Today, my mother-in-law went ballistic for me letting my kids watch the Ladybug and Cat Noir movie, because there is one black spot on Ladybug's costume positioned to look like a patch of pubic hair, and is therefore inappropriate for children. It’s a cartoon about superheroes, FFS. FML
Today, my husband gave me an ultimatum: either I go to therapy for my depression or he’ll divorce me, because 4 years living with a virtual stranger who only grunts at him is enough and he doesn’t intend to be a roommate in a loveless, sexless marriage forever. I’m trying, I really am. FML
Today, I walked into the house I share with my boyfriend and found his mum sashaying up and down the hall. When she saw me, she exclaimed, "Oh, you've got to tell me where you get your underwear from!" Yep, she was wearing my panties. Neither she nor her son could see why I would be upset by that. FML
Today, I was walking past the drive thru window at my job when I heard someone whistle at me. I whipped around and snapped at the customer, “Did you just whistle at me?” Turns out my new coworker has a tic where she whistles, and she was standing a few feet away. I accused an innocent customer of catcalling me. FML
Today, my boyfriend proposed with his grandmother’s ring in front of a huge crowd of all our friends. It might have been romantic if he hadn’t stolen the ring from his parents' safe and if we weren’t juniors in high school. Now everyone thinks I’m a huge bitch for saying no in front of everyone. FML
Today, it's been one year since my husband moved six states away for his job. The plan was for me to stay behind until I found a job, but I still haven't in all this time. I can just feel the distance growing between us. FML
Today, I discovered that my boyfriend of two years was cheating on me. How? His other girlfriend crashed her car into mine and had him pick her up. FML
Today, I invited my crush to the city I moved to for work. Paid for her ticket. She was supposed to be here for a week. Long story short, she spent the week banging my roommate at the Hilton. FML
Today, me and my dad's birthdays are both a week apart. For his birthday I'd given him a cute card with a dog on it that said happy birthday, and inside it had 200$. A week later, he gave me the same card, but it was empty. FML
Today, the cat I rescued out of the rain unexpectedly gave birth under my couch. Realistically, I know there’s no way to keep six cats but every time I think about separating the babies from their mom and litter-mates, I sob uncontrollably to the point of hyperventilating. FML
Today, I thought my boyfriend was normal until we flew abroad to meet his family. He got in a fist fight with his brother, which their mother told me is just how they get along, and that I’d get used to it. Minutes later they were laughing, icing their bruises and sharing beers. Totally normal, right? FML
Today, our school got portable classrooms for the construction on our school. I had to take a dump really bad, and had to use the built in bathroom. As I was in there I heard laughing. Turns out, every sound you make is an entire broadcast to the class. FML
Today, I had my first ever mega brain fart. I was watching videos on YouTube when I noticed strange music playing. I paused the video and the music played on. When I turned the app off, I realized the music was coming from the TV, which I had on at the same time in case ads came up. FML
Today, I got dumped by the guy I was dating because he wanted children and I'm now infertile due to postpartum complications. He was the only person that wanted to date me because every other guy doesn't like the fact i have two amazing kids. FML
Today, I got so distracted by trying to keep my cat from sticking her nose in the open oven door, that I grabbed the hot pan without an oven mitt. Now I can’t use my right hand. My cat’s nose is fine, though. FML
Today, I learned that my mother now refuses to drink anything but bottled water because she actually believes that the government is putting a chemical in tap water that lowers pregnancy rates. She is trying for her 5th child. FML
Today, I finally finished building my own custom TV stand that would work in my small living room with brick walls. Now I can't find the remote. Anywhere. FML
Today, we've all heard about men ghosting their girlfriends after learning they were pregnant. Well, my now ex just ghosted me after I told him I that I wasn't pregnant after all. FML
Today, I introduced my mom to my friend who performed the Heimlich maneuver on me when I was choking. She proceeded to loudly berate and chew him out, saying that he should have gotten an adult and could have hurt me. Now he won't talk to me and I'm grounded for calling her a cunt. FML
Today, at around 1 am, my boyfriend drunk-dialed and broke up with me. He didn't seem to remember he had already broken up with me yesterday. Thanks for reminding me. FML
Today, after me and my ex broke up a few weeks ago, I found out he had a new girlfriend, but he was repetitively trying to get back into contact with me to rub it in my face. Then his mum died and she blocked him, so he came running back. FML
Today, my friend accidentally killed his AirPods by washing them. He decided to lie to the service center and say they just stopped working. When I said they wouldn't cover it, he asked Gemini, which said it *was* a warranty issue, and gave him a cover story. Then, he started talking shit about me being useless. FML
Today, while I was raking leaves, the rake head broke off the handle. My psychotic mother snatched the handle from my hands, screamed that the rake "worked ten times harder than me", and beat me with the handle. FML
Today, after mourning and making my girlfriend cancel her big birthday party, I found out my grandma didn't actually die. FML
Today, my abusive ex-stepfather managed to file a protection order on my sweet mum. Now, both of my younger siblings can no longer see or talk to her, and the police came to our door and took them. If they truly thought she was dangerous, wouldn't they take me too? He even has a real criminal record of abuse, and my mom is clean. FML
Today, I used to always say that the only thing that I've ever learned my lesson on, on my very first time, is having children. Now, I'm currently 8.5 months pregnant. HILARIOUS, GOD! FML
Today, I inherited almost nine figures from my grandmother. I also had to cut ties with my family and friends, leave my boyfriend and kids, and move across the country after they showed their true colors. FML
Today, my husband said early in the day that he wanted to cook dinner. When he decided it was time to cook, he apparently put some meat on the grill. I didn't know he'd started dinner. He does this every time he "cooks" and gets mad every time I haven't prepared the rest of the meal. FML
Today, as I was standing in line at the checkout, the elderly guy in front turned around and said quietly to me, "Sometimes I shit my pants." He then nodded grimly and turned back around, hitting me with the full force of the stench now coming from his pants. FML
Today, I threw an event with my colleague that completely flopped. At the end, my colleague invited the few people who showed up to take as much candy as they wanted from the gift bags I paid for and assembled myself. My colleague contributed neither the money, nor the effort to put them together. FML
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