Today, I asked my husband if I should wear my black or red heels with my dress. He looked me up and down from the sofa and said, “We needed to leave 45 minutes ago to have any prayer of getting there on time, I'm now watching TV, so you and your heels please leave me alone now.” Oops. FML
Today, I was complaining to my boyfriend about our excessive water bill. He then says, "Don't look at me, I don't even shower." FML
Today, via the power of crooked lawyers, it is possible for a husband to dump all three kids on his ex-wife whilst keeping the house for himself and paying no child support. I’m the ex-wife, and my three kids are sharing a blanket on my dad's sofa, with school in the morning. FML
Today, my girlfriend caught the bouquet at her friend's wedding, then shook them in my face like an accusation. I joined in the laughing with everyone else, but it put her in a mood, and she now hasn’t spoken to me in two days. FML
Today, I had to take an urgent dump at work. I noticed too late there was no toilet paper left, so I had to risk doing a quick "pants around the knees" shuffle to the next stall. I locked eyes with the window cleaner at the same time I heard someone enter from behind me. FML
Today, my baby goat was diagnosed with a liver shunt. There is no treatment, not even reasonable palliative care. She will be euthanized tomorrow and a necropsy will be performed to make sure. Her sire can no longer be used for breeding, either. FML
Today, I learned that I may have lung cancer. I've never smoked a day in my life but it could be from secondhand smoke exposure from all the years of my mom smoking around me. FML
Today, despite me getting my period every two weeks and bleeding heavily enough that I faint if I move too fast, my doctor told me that it's normal and to just "take it easy". FML
Today, I had to pick up my drunk mom at bar. While we were driving home, she thanked me over and over again, and then said, "Thank god you have no life!" FML
Today, I was watching a Facebook reel of this guy who tried to kill a giant spider with a shoe. All of a sudden the spider disappeared, then came running up his arm towards me so fast it spooked the fuck outta me and I threw my phone hard as hell down the stairs! The worst part is I’m sure he knew that was gonna happen. FML
Today, I'm a game dev with hardly any money at the moment, and I got offered to sell my game's source code for a fat stack of cash to train AI models. I refused because I don't want to be replaced, but I feel bad because I'm still poor af. FML
Today, my boys fight a lot, and I watched as one of them revealed he bought a frigging knight's shield to protect himself, so his brother punched the shield, which flew backwards, hit him in the mouth and broke a tooth. I could not make this up if I tried. JUST GET ALONG ALREADY! FML
Today, while in my backyard, I had some insane gastric distress. I let out a fart so powerful that it made me yelp in pain, and left my asshole numb. A second later, I heard a cough come from over my neighbor's fence. I had to quietly limp back into my house in shame. FML
Today, a customer got pissed off and called me a "libtard" simply because I admitted that I had absolutely no clue who Charlie Kirk was, but I'm the one in trouble for telling him to GTFO because I don't take crap from people. FML
Today, I went to the Cheesecake Factory and treated myself to an appetizer, an entree, a dessert, and some cocktails. The bill was higher than I expected and I was $50 short. I faked having a food allergy and had the staff call 911 so they could take me to the hospital, so I would get out of paying. It worked. FML
Today, I was diagnosed with Bell's palsy. I have exams tomorrow and I have interviews for residency coming up. Sadly, the left half of my face will not work for another two months. FML
Today, my wife caught me crying over her miscarriage and she started yelling and screaming at me to "man up" because she should be the sad one, not me. FML
Today, I was walking to the movie theatre with my boyfriend, when three guys muscled over and told us to hand over our phones. My boyfriend didn't waste any time pushing past me and running like hell, leaving me in tears and almost having a panic attack. FML
Today, my girlfriend freaked out because I tried to introduce her to me being a Little. Instead of hearing me out or trying to learn anything real about the lifestyle, she just called me a sick pervert because of all the bad crap people write about us online. FML
Today, I was heating up my rig and about to do a dab when the rig piece fell out onto my hotel blanket, melting it, and getting plastic on the rig. Then I went to fan the smoke detector and I grabbed a pizza box, not thinking about if it was empty or not, and pizza flew everywhere as I fanned. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me for asking to spend time with him after not seeing him very much in three months, because he doesn’t have time for me and is so stressed out he doesn’t have time for fun. Then he decided he should go to Mexico with the people he works and lives with so they could have fun together. FML
Today, at the grocery store, an elderly woman asked for help with some tea. I lent her a hand, spending a good twenty minutes reading different labels out loud until she found one she liked. After she was done, she handed me a pamphlet and said, "You're a nice girl. I hope you don't go to hell." FML
Today, I caught my husband peeing into the bath. His excuse was that he was simply too tired to pay enough attention to aim properly into the toilet bowl, this way he could just undo his zip, piss without even opening his eyes, then go to bed. I married a wild animal. FML
Today, my parents have smoked for most of their lives and are both healthy as horses. Meanwhile, I smoked for two years, then went through hell quitting, and just had my first asthma attack and was lectured about "long term effects of tobacco, even after cessation." THIS IS BULLSHIT! FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend of 6 years and fiancé has been secretly dating and hooking up with my step-sister behind my back. Now she's pregnant. FML
Today, my family and my fiancée's family met each other and my worst fear came true. My asshole dad found out my fiancée's dad is a reverend and his first sentence was, "How's the molestation business these days?" It didn't take long before a brawl erupted and we were kicked out. I'm cutting him off for good. FML
Today, I decided to bring down a very old fan from the attic. I plugged it in, and as soon as I turned it on, tiny spiders were blown all over my room. FML
Today, I went shooting with my dad and he brought his grandfather's rifle with him. I’ve never shot it before and he told me to be careful with it. The bullet exploded, ruptured the barrel, cut my face, and made me deaf in one ear. Dad still blamed me for “not shooting it properly.” FML
Today, I lied to my father. I told him I got money yesterday. In fact, I just got fired yesterday. I kept a really happy jolly voice when I spoke to him on the phone. FML
Today, my husband was concerned about our son using the Internet, so he told him a story about a kid who gave out his personal information and was kidnapped and killed by a maniac. Now our son is scared to use anything with a screen. FML
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