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By Anonymous - 25/3/2021 11:01

Sex work is real work

  Today, I decided to get back into exercising and healthy eating. Why? So I can hopefully look good enough to do porn and make some money. FML
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By dumbbitch - 25/3/2021 09:34

Butterfingers

Today, I gave myself burns on my inner thigh by dropping my curling iron. Instead of a cute date at a restaurant, I had a date with the doctors in the emergency room. FML
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552
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95
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heeeeyitsbrittney tells us more :
Op here! Unfortunately I was using a brand new curling iron that had changeable barrels. The barrel wasn’t snapped into place completely, so while I was curling my hair the barrel fell off and onto my leg. Because it fell off the handle I couldn’t pick it up so I had to swat it off of my leg. Unfortunately because it sat a little longer than it should of (the temp on it was 450 Fahrenheit) it caused...
By Anonymous - 25/3/2021 08:01

Cujo, but for cats

Today, my cat was incessantly meowing trying to get me to wake up and feed him. Because it was 6 a.m., and I'd hardly slept at all last night, my brain decided that the best solution to get him to shut up would be to hug him. The result was a normally docile and lazy cat giving me a nasty scratch next to my left eye. FML
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80
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By Anonymous - 25/3/2021 05:01

Late bloomer

Today, I'm nearly 30 years-old, and not only am I still a virgin, I've never even had my first kiss. FML
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203
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30
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By IHateMyLife - 25/3/2021 02:01 - Germany - Stuttgart

You mug

Today, it should have been my day off from work because I did a lot of night shifts. At 6 a.m., my boss called told me that my day off was canceled, because a coworker is ill. Now I'm sitting here on a night shift with a pinched nerve in my shoulder and a lot of pain, just because I stretched. FML
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299
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16
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By Mike - 25/3/2021 00:30

Tears for Fears

Today, I realized that not only do I dream about sleeping or passing out, but that those are the best ones. FML
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264
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27
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By Hospoh8r - 24/3/2021 18:01 - New Zealand

Slot machine addicts

Today, I'm working in hospitality. I was serving a customer when another customer came up to cash in from the pokies. I told them I'd be there in a minute, and they said OK. By the time I got to them, they were complaining to my boss. Guess whose side was taken? FML
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360
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17
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By brokenglass - 24/3/2021 21:30

Overreaction much?

Today, while bringing my grandmother some water, I tripped, dropping and shattering the glass. Infuriated, she explained to me that the glass was worth more than I am and ordered me out of her house for good. I live there. I was also with her when she bought the glass. $10 for a set of 4. FML
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474
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21
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By Anonymous - 24/3/2021 20:00 - United States

Not going well, is it?

  Today, I've been married for six months, my husband and I are in our early twenties, and not only does he have absolutely no interest in any kind of sexual act with me, he actually becomes angry and irritated when I try to come on to him. FML
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524
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78
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By Anonymous - 24/3/2021 17:00

Our house, is a very very very fine house

Today, my housemate, who never cleans, cooked tacos, then left her dishes for the rest of the evening. When shown a bowl of murky water in the sink, she denied it was hers, prompting my vegetarian housemate to clean it. Putting her hand in the bowl, she found a lump of raw taco meat. Yum. FML
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463
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By Anonymous - 24/3/2021 13:59

So many questions

Today, I work at the DMV. My ex-husband’s sister came in for a last name change. When I looked at the marriage license and her other documents, it was revealed that she was never his sister. My ex-husband is now her husband. Now I understand why they always spent time alone together. FML
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1059
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48
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By WhatHaveIDone - 24/3/2021 11:01

Masterchef

Today, my daughter tried to make pasta by putting a pot on the stove, pouring the noodles in without adding water, and turning on the stove. Then she asked me, "How come these aren’t getting soft like when you make them?" She’s 19. FML
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526
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By Anonymous - 24/3/2021 04:00 - Canada - Baddeck

Nice guy

Today, while working a night shift completely alone at a truck stop, a trucker asked me to get in the shower with him for a "funner night shift", and threw his towels and clothes at me when I told him no. FML
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717
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31
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By thenerd - 24/3/2021 02:00

Likely story

Today, I was doing an online live exam with the camera on when the power suddenly went out. FML
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638
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31
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By Anon - 24/3/2021 00:30

Time to shop

  Today, I made my whole grocery list out in my head. While having sex with my fiancee. FML
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530
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243
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By Katlego Maduma - 23/3/2021 22:59

Sneaking around

  Today, I found out that my husband has been cheating on me with his girl bestie for 4 years. I also found out he's been having threesomes with his male bestie. Both people have been around me and my family this entire time. We've been married for 15 years. Joke's on me. FML
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1004
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64
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By superbubbles - 23/3/2021 21:30 - Canada

Barfed out

Today, I threw up in bio when we dissected cow hearts. Guess that rules out my childhood passion as a possible career. FML
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537
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85
7 Comments
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By KortniiE - 23/3/2021 20:01

Congrats?

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years proposed without a ring. He told me he would get it once his divorce papers are final. I didn't know he was married. FML
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807
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87
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By Anonymous - 23/3/2021 17:01 - Luxembourg

Useless

Today, I was forced to write a job application letter that boils down to, "I can't do this job, please don't hire me." FML
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511
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164
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By Anonymous - 23/3/2021 14:01 - Luxembourg - Luxembourg

Desperate

Today, I tried to find a job. Again. It's been seven years since I earned more than 70€ in a month, seven years since I moved back in with my parents, and seven years since I was registered as having a medical disability. Nobody wants me, not even as a shelf stacker. FML
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833
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61
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By Anonymous - 23/3/2021 05:59 - United States

Legend

Today, I tripped really hard and twisted my ankle on a toy that was on the floor, dropping a bag of trash filled with coffee and energy drinks my husband has piled around his desk. Instead of helping me up or helping me clean, he berated me about it. Told me that it's not my problem and went to his LoL game. FML
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839
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93
5 Comments
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By Rebecca c - 23/3/2021 08:01

Nice neighborhood

Today, I had to clean up human poop that someone trailed through the store. Then, as I was cleaning up all the shelves at the end of the day, I saw that someone had changed their sanitary pad, took a new one out of the packed and used it, then left the used one on the shelf. FML
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1016
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48
8 Comments
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By fat fat fat fat fat - 23/3/2021 05:01

Thicker than blood

Today, despite the fact that I’ve been battling cancer for the past year and was hospitalized for Covid, all my family can talk about is how much weight I’ve gained. Yeah, not like being out of work, quarantined and on a ton of meds has anything to do with it. Thanks guys. FML
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968
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57
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By can’t buy her love - 22/3/2021 18:01 - United States

Menace II Society

Today, my teenage stepdaughter wrecked her third car texting and driving. I’ve pleaded with my husband to stop buying her new ones and to revoke her driving privileges. He’s so desperate for her to love him that he’ll give her literally anything. I’m scared she’s going to get someone killed. FML
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1159
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By Anonymous - 23/3/2021 00:30

Grow up

  Today, my father came to my sister's place and yelled at her, "I knew it, you're such a whore!" because she slept with her new boyfriend. He's her first boyfriend in five years, since my father scared her previous boyfriend because of my father's possessive behavior. My sister is 34. FML
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965
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57
11 Comments
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By Matt988 - 22/3/2021 23:00 - India

Unexpected

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend when I felt her slip her hand into my pants. She then gave me a wedgie. FML
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646
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179
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By Anonymous - 22/3/2021 21:30 - United States

Always carry around a pencil with you

Today, while at work, I took one of the biggest dumps I've taken in my life. The turd was so big, I took a pencil and chopped it into small pieces because I was afraid it would clog up the toilet. FML
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580
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169
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By NotFamily - 22/3/2021 19:59

Shady

Today, my boyfriend blocked me on Facebook. He said he's restricting it to only close family and cousins. He doesn't understand why I'm upset. FML
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792
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80
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By Anonymous - 22/3/2021 17:01

Mummy's boy

Today, my boyfriend's mum said she won't stop us from seeing each other, yet she'll only allow me to see him for 30 minutes a day, for 2 days a week, and gets mad if he sees me for any longer, because "mother knows best." FML
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785
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By Billie-Jo - 22/3/2021 09:01 - United States - Waldoboro

Can someone just help this person?

Today, I got a new smart TV and I can't do anything with it until I log into my Amazon account on it. It won't let me log on. Now I can't use the TV. This is just great. FML
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619
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Next
Nearly  
Today, I pooped myself in the middle of Dave and Busters. I was with new friends. FML
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Today, I was given my walking papers because I said I would refuse to vote Morena in my country. FML
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4
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See all the Nearly FMLs
  Spicy
  Today, I decided to get back into exercising and healthy eating. Why? So I can hopefully look good enough to do porn and make some money. FML
I agree, your life sucks
39
You deserved it
25
0 Comments
  Today, I've been married for six months, my husband and I are in our early twenties, and not only does he have absolutely no interest in any kind of sexual...
I agree, your life sucks
524
You deserved it
78
15 Comments
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