Today, I spent my lunch break helping a coworker move a desk to another office. When I got back, my own desk had been moved to make room for someone new. Nobody had told me where they’d put it. FML
Today, my wife got back from two months visiting her unwell mother in Australia. Her mother is a major feeder, so I was trying to be tactful about my wife’s weight gain. Our kids, not so much. They ran to her in the airport and asked her if she was pregnant again because she’s "soooooo big." FML
Today, my wife had to pay double on a rental car than the one I had reserved because of a "credit issue" nobody was able to give me details on. I couldn't get the car because my card wouldn't insert or swipe properly. I spent an hour trying to get to the bottom of it. FML
Today, I caught my mother trying to switch my contraceptive pill for Tic Tacs. I don't know what's worse - how far she will go to have a grandchild, or that she thought I wouldn't notice that my birth control left me with minty fresh breath. FML
Today, I happily introduced my stepfather to my friends as my dad. He told me, "Don't ever fucking call me that." FML
Today, after my landlord emailed to say someone would be inspecting the apartment at 10 AM, I cleaned everything and waited at home all morning. At noon, I called to ask where they were. The inspection was scheduled for next Tuesday. I'd read the date wrong. FML
Today, I finally worked up the courage to ask my neighbour if she'd like to get coffee sometime. She smiled and said she'd love to. We picked a day, and I went home feeling great. Later, she texted to ask if I could also feed her cat while she was away that week. FML
Today, I spent the afternoon painting my bedroom and was really pleased with how it turned out. When I moved the furniture back, I noticed a large patch behind the wardrobe I'd missed. The paint shop had closed, and I had no idea which shade I'd used. FML
Today, when drunk, I became OCD about everything and spent 3 hours making sure that the books on my shelves were straight. I thought that being drunk was supposed to be fun. FML
Today, I went on a first date and tried to make a good impression by ordering something I'd never eaten before. It was a whole fish. I spent the next twenty minutes trying to figure out how to eat it without looking clueless. My date had ordered chicken nuggets. FML
Today, I dropped my keys down the gap between the train platform and the wall. I stood there feeling awful until a station employee came over with a long grabber. He picked them up in about ten seconds. I'd spent twenty minutes panicking for nothing. FML
Today, the man sitting next to me on the train looked like he was about to be sick. I quickly handed him the nearest bag I could find, a bag full of my lunch for that day. Safe to say he held nothing back. FML
Today, security had to break up a fist fight in the labor & delivery unit. After giving birth, my roommate was attacked by the baby daddy’s wife. However, a second man was also there and started fighting the couple. It was a total melee so I grabbed both babies and hid in the bathroom. FML
Today, my family had to travel for a funeral. On the drive down, I saw that my son had brought his Switch. I always suspected he didn't care about anything but himself, but this hurts worse than ever confirming that he prizes his stupid video games over us and our collective grief. FML
Today, I was talking to my boss and he said I was awesome. He went to fist bump me and I missed. FML
Today, my mother offered me some chocolate milk. I took a few gulps before I realized the label said it was raw unpasteurized milk. When I pointed this out to my mother, she asked me what pasteurization is. We might get sick because my mother is the most horrifically ignorant and out-of-touch person on earth. FML
Today, 40-something year-old man hit on me at the mall (I'm 14), then told me that ladies needed to dress like ladies after I made a joke to my friend about wanting to wear jeans to homecoming. I'm not a girl btw. FML
Today, my son was getting jumped by four boys. My daughter came outta nowhere like freakin John Cena and started rag dolling those little punks. Instead of being thankful and grateful that his sister saved his ass, he decided to complain that she made him look like weak. FML
Today, I strained so hard while on the toilet that I gave myself a nosebleed. FML
Today, I discovered that my fiance only got with me because he has a fetish for black women (he's white). That's the only reason he started dating me. Never mind my career or anything else. All that mattered to him was the color of my skin. FML
Today, I woke up and groveled and apologized to my wife for waking her up. I went to work and sent groveling, apologetic texts throughout the day when she got angry. I got home, groveled and apologized for being tired and hungry, then ate a cold sandwich and went to bed. A typical day. FML
Today, while checking on my mother's photo album, I remembered that I had to take care of my baby brother at age 12 because she worked 60 hours a week and my father was a little too busy with either booty calls or gambling. FML
Today, my neighbors heard me when I was yelling to an AI model for not following instructions. FML
Today, I had to pretend to give birth in a play. I wanted to make it a realistic as possible but ended up crapping myself on stage by accident. FML
Today, after working at the company for 15 years, all I got was a pin with the number 15 on it and a little bundled package of a pencil, small notebook, keychain and a mug saying “Thank you for all you do!” I wrote an e-mail to HR as to why I deserved a raise or bonus. I got threatened with “disciplinary action.” FML
Today, I learned first hand the pleasure of having a stoma bag with severe diarrhoea from food poisoning. The bag can only safely hold 300ml before it needs changing, and I’ve changed it 6 times today. I only get 60 bags a month from the NHS, and at this rate I’ll run out in 5 days. FML
Today, I pinched a nerve in my shoulder while pulling the bedcovers higher in the morning. After excruciating pain all day, I climbed back into bed at night, twisting my knee in the process. FML
Today, my girlfriend caught the bouquet at her sister's wedding. I took it as a sign so after we got home, I proposed. She laughed and said no way. I'm done. FML
Today, do you know those stories of kittens running up to you in public and choosing you as their human, so you get them vet treatment, hand raise them yourself and they love you forever? Yeah, not with mine. He’s one year old now and a total asshole who bites me at least once a day. FML
Today, I joined a video call five minutes early and started checking my emails while I waited. Someone said, “You're already sharing your screen.” I'd accidentally shown everyone my inbox for the first five minutes. FML
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