Your everyday life stories

144

Today, it's 30 degrees Celsius in my bedroom, but I need to stay completely under the covers, because even though I live on the other side of the world, I can't stop thinking about Australian huntsman spiders. FML

By Calimero0 - 11/8/2020 17:02

Extreme phobias

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Today, I got lost searching for an apartment in a huge complex. A hysterical woman started screaming that I didn’t belong there, and that she was calling the police. She stood behind my car so I couldn’t leave. I’m a pizza delivery driver, in full uniform and with the company emblem on my car. FML

By fucking Karens! - 11/8/2020 14:02

Karen strikes again

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Today, I remembered that I chose my career of the last decade because, unlike my job in the dying newspaper industry, "concerts aren’t going anywhere." FML

By Anonymous - 11/8/2020 08:01

Gig economy

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Today, my boyfriend flipped out when he saw a period tracker app on my phone. According to him, chicks only use those when they want to know when they’re the most fertile so they can “baby trap” a man. I have irregular cycles. The app helps me know when I should or shouldn’t expect a period. FML

By menstruation nation - 11/8/2020 05:01

Freak out

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Today, I was dining out with friends. I saw a mom instructing her young child to go to empty tables and take whatever cash had been left. I discreetly told the manager. He confronted the woman and pointed right at me. As she was being thrown out, she tossed a very heavy mug at my head. It hit me. FML

By great parenting pal - 11/8/2020 02:01

Child labor

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By Alan - 10/8/2020 23:00

The Best of the Worst of FML #91

Here's another selection of some of the worst, unpublishable FMLs we've received over the years. Read them and weep!

Today, I’m living in China and I asked my native boyfriend to read me the names of all the different goods at the bakery, so I can do more than just point next time. I realized why he doesn’t see the point, when he translated : "Bread, bread, bread, bread and… bread." FML

By Anonymous - 10/8/2020 20:01

It's good to learn!

710

Today, I sent a draft email to my boss. The receptionist, thinking they were being helpful, forwarded it straight to the client. It's not ready for the client. I mean, it is NOT ready for the client. Really, really not ready for the client. FML

By Anonymous - 10/8/2020 17:01

So sorry I called you a dingdong

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Today, I was diagnosed with intermittent explosive disorder, meaning that I involuntarily fly into a rage without provocation. It's only controlled by healthy eating and sleeping. I work too much to get any sleep, I don't make enough money to eat well, and my disorder limits my ability to find a job that pays more. FML

By Anonymous - 10/8/2020 14:01

The Hulk

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Today, my psycho ex tried to call the cops on me for "poisoning her food." I live two hours away from her, and have no money or gas to go anywhere near her. Turns out, she poisoned herself for eating raw chicken and pizza dough. I have a child with this idiot. FML

By Anonymous - 10/8/2020 08:06

Sounds like a catch

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Today, I realized our cat has a sixth sense for when he wants to be seen. When we don't care where the cat is, he's within plain sight. When we lose track of him and are in a panic worrying if he got out, he's hiding. FML

By Anonymous - 10/8/2020 05:02

And probably giggling

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Today, I woke up in hospital. Apparently, I fell down the stairs, broke 3 ribs, one toe, and hit my head so much that 12 stitches were needed. I also blacked out for an hour before my husband found me covered in blood. Recovery should take about a month and a half. FML

By Anonymous - 10/8/2020 02:12

Falling Down

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Today, someone said that women shouldn’t hate their menstrual cycles, because the hormonal changes were so "interesting". Sure, that’s the word I’d use for alternating between cramps and zits, being an insatiable nymphomaniac, and being so depressed I want to die. FML

By Anonymous - 9/8/2020 23:01

Let's go girls!

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Today, my older sister threw an epic tantrum, demanding that my parents not pay for my 21st birthday trip. She insists it’s not fair for them to gift me a trip, since she didn’t get to celebrate her 21st. She didn’t get to celebrate because she was pregnant. Now my mom wants to reconsider. FML

By not my fault you got knocked up - 9/8/2020 20:02

Sister of the year

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Today, I turned 39 and I finally had my very first surprise birthday party. It was held by a group of video game animals in Animal Crossing instead of by real people, because I'm not important enough to them to remember my birthday without Facebook's intervention. FML

By Anonymous - 9/8/2020 17:01

Birthday blues

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Today, my boyfriend is completely obsessed with zombie and horror movies. I don’t care what he watches, the only problem is the big wuss has horrible thrashing nightmares. Last night he thrashed so hard, he elbowed me in the face. I have a big swollen purple knot right on my forehead. FML

By scaredy cat - 9/8/2020 14:02

Wuss

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Today, I was out walking my dog, when a lady called out to me asking, “Is that a boy or a girl?” Assuming she meant the dog, I told her that he was a boy. When I turned away, I heard her say to her kid, “I was talking about the person walking the dog, but whatever,” then audibly laughing. FML

By thedogwalker - 9/8/2020 08:02

Mistaken identity

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Today, I spent over an hour trying to get my niece to sleep and nothing worked. Then my husband got home and yelled, "Listen brat, either sleep now or be buried in the cat's litter box." It worked. She giggled, ran to bed and 30 seconds later she was snoring. What? How? Why? FML

By Anonymous - 9/8/2020 05:01

Tough love

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Today, my biologist father had a slide show and speech prepared for my wedding. It started with, “40 years ago, there was a tree here”. I thought this would relate to me or the wedding at some point. 45 minutes later, I had to admit that it didn’t. FML

By Anonymous - 9/8/2020 02:02

Great speech, thanks!

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Today, my husband refuses to have sex with me, ever since I told him I wanted to try for a baby. When I asked him why, he said it was because he likes lack of responsibility and money in the bank more than the thought of a screaming baby, no sleep and strong suicidal urges. FML

By Anonymous - 8/8/2020 23:01

Sounds reasonable

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Today, my nearly ex-husband called in a panic so I could come rescue the dogs because he'd called 911 due to a gas leak at the house. I came over, after which the fire department and gas company inspected, and they found the issue. The dog. The dog farted so bad it smelled like rotten eggs and was mistaken for a gas leak. FML

By JR. - 8/8/2020 20:02

Leaking all over the place

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Today, my man complained that I was "not easily approachable", sexually speaking. To clarify, his usual way of signalling his desire is to just lie there, quiet and not moving, and (probably) thinking exciting thoughts. I can't tell if he likes me touching him, unless he signals a lack of interest by falling asleep, that is. FML

By Anonymous - 8/8/2020 17:02

Alexa, play 'Communication Breakdown' by Led Zeppelin

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Today, and ever since he saw the infamous interview that was on TV the other day, every time I say something to my husband, he keeps quoting, "You can't do that!" and "You don't know that!" at me in Donald Trump's voice. FML

By Anonymous - 8/8/2020 14:02

Imitation is a form of flattery. Or is it?

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Today, I told my mom I wasn't doing very good mentally and I was looking for some support. She decided to remind me of all of the things I still haven't paid her back for. I'm now an unpaid loan, not her daughter. FML

By KaYLa_LoUiSe - 8/8/2020 08:03

Narcissistic parents FTW

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Today, after years of not speaking with my birth mother, I took a chance and stopped to talk to her when I saw her outside of her house. Five minutes into it, I knew I needed my hair recolored and that I'm out of shape, this all being said by a totally gray haired fat woman. FML

By Darice - 8/8/2020 05:03

Mom of the year

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Today, my grandpa told me that he and grandma had an open relationship, because, "it isn't satisfying to have sexuality with only one person your whole life.” According to grandma, he just cheated on her constantly and she couldn’t do anything to stop him. FML

By Anonymous - 8/8/2020 02:02

Two sides to every story

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Today, after losing 20 pounds, I decided to purchase new clothes. All of the clothes at the store were still too small for me. FML

By Anonymous - 7/8/2020 23:01

XXL

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Today, my granny called me to, "Come change me please, I just peed." I interrupted what I was doing, walked over to her bed, pulled down her covers and was just about to go for the pad when she said, "Actually... I'm still peeing. Come back in a couple of minutes." FML

By Anonymous - 7/8/2020 20:01

Constant flow

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Today, at 26, I bought my first vibrator. I've never really masturbated before, because I've always been with a guy. I used it for the first time, and orgasmed in under 3 minutes. I guess this whole time the guys I've been with hadn’t in fact made me cum as much as I thought. FML

By Anonymous - 7/8/2020 17:01

Like a virgin

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