The best jokes about life

115

Today, I woke up again from another nightmare about my university's hazing fallout. Every time I see their faces in these dreams, I remember how they got away with everything, including trying to end us as they searched for the first year snitch. FML

By Anonymous - 13/4/2021 23:00 - United States - Pittsburgh

Hazing rituals have to stop

205

Today, my mom and dad got into a fight, during which my dad said to my mom that her health conditions were of her own doing. Because of that, I got pissed and had a fight with my dad, taking my mom's side. Turns out, my mom took his side and ratted me out. FML

By Anonymous - 14/4/2021 02:00

Fun for all the family

241

Today, my house caught fire right before I was supposed to present a school project. My teacher told me to, "just suck it up and do it anyway." FML

By Anonymous - 13/4/2021 18:30 - United States

Compassion? At school?

393

Today, I asked my 18 year-old daughter to buy half a dozen donuts. When she brought them over, I opened the box and discovered the dozen donuts were all cut in half. She just got accepted into a prestigious private university. FML

By Anonymous - 13/4/2021 23:00

They'll have anyone these days

338

Today, I recently broke up with a girl I care greatly about to spare her having to deal with my mental health issues. Facebook keeps updating me with everything she does. FML

By Anonymous - 14/4/2021 07:30 - New Zealand - Auckland

Eleven Arguments for Deleting Your Social Media

286

236

Today, one of my fourth-graders came up to me and asked, "Can you please not put my test grades in the weekly folders? My mom likes to get mad when I get below a 90." FML

By Anonymous - 13/4/2021 10:59 - United States - San Diego

Nice parents you've got there…

431

Today, after having asked me out on Monday, the guy I like angrily cancelled our date because I "hadn't bothered" even talking to him for "several days". One day. You didn't hear from me on Monday. It's now Tuesday. That's one day, dick. FML

By fartbucket51995129565 - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - New York

Richard ?

51908

6827

Today, it's been two weeks since my girlfriend of many years and I decided to take a short break from each other. We'd been fighting a lot and felt like some space would help the situation. I found out today that, at some point during those two weeks, she decided to go and have sex with my (now ex) best friend. FML

By Anonymous - 13/4/2021 17:01

We were on a break!

505

101

Today, it's my birthday. I found out I have Covid. Also, the police kicked me out of the hotel I'm quarantining in. This is still not my worst birthday. FML

By gwen - 13/4/2021 08:00 - United States

Bad day

558

Today, four months into a deep depression, I now have a new involuntary reaction to being sad and angry. I constantly have an erection when I'm feeling really down or pissed off, even when I cry. FML

By Anonymous - 13/4/2021 05:00 - United States - Elyria

Crank time

556

Today, I went to pick up my dog from the dog sitter I'd left him with while I was on vacation. When I arrived at her house to pick him up, she said, "I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about." and threatened to call the cops if I didn’t "leave her premises for trespassing." FML

By Anonymous - 13/4/2021 02:00 - United States

Where's my dog?

1026

Today, I told my brother a story about something I did a couple weeks ago. When I'd finished, he laughed and asked, "What grade were you in when you did that?" I'm 45 years-old and I haven't been in any "grade" since I was 17. FML

By Anonymous - 13/4/2021 05:01

Childlike

440

156

Today, I found out that my girlfriend was cheating on me, thanks to a friend's TikTok account. FML

By Anonymous - 13/4/2021 02:00

Caught!

636

Today, I made the horrible mistake of leaving my car windows cracked while at work. Not only is the exterior yellow due to the pollen, but so is the interior. I'm not allergic, but you can feel the pollen in the back of your throat. FML

By JD. - 13/4/2021 00:30

Choking over here

517

176

Today, I was diagnosed with gout. I’m 19. FML

By lily - 12/4/2021 23:00

Young body, old soul

597

Today, my mother suffered a stroke and had to be hospitalized. In order to drive him to the hospital, I actually had to find my father, who never answers any phone calls or messages and is rarely home. I found out on the spot that he was cheating on my mother. What an asshole. FML

By Anonymous - 12/4/2021 21:30

Indeed

798

Today, my job threatened to fire me because I left work early. I left because I can't sit, stand, lay down or walk due to back pain. I went to my doctor after leaving work and turns out I have a herniated disc. My job still doesn't care, and my job is now in jeopardy. FML

By peachezthelette - 12/4/2021 20:00

Health? Care? Never

748

Today, I was given my Covid-19 test results after a friend and I went to take one. I had been sneezing and having fevers lately, and out of solidarity, my friend also took the test to give me the courage to do so. I tested negative, but my friend didn't. FML

By How could the fuck I know? - 12/4/2021 17:00

Sorry, friend

619

101

Today, both my mom and I are very ill, while her boyfriend is perfectly fine. Somehow, this means that I’m the one having to take care of my mom, myself, the household and 6 pets, while he does nothing, goes on trips and leaves dirt all over the house when he’s here. FML

By Anonymous - 12/4/2021 14:00

Thanks for the help

713

Today, my family got mad at me for installing toilet paper going under instead of over. Considering I'm the only one who fills the empty spool, I thought that it wouldn't matter. FML

By Anonymous - 12/4/2021 05:00 - United States - Pittsburgh

Paper trail

567

290

Today, I finally got to experience being loved, or at least what it looks like. I paid for a fabulous wedding in a video game with a reluctant friend, who only agreed after I explained all the free costumes, pets, and other items he'd receive. FML

By Aaron - 12/4/2021 07:59

Second Life

492

269

Today, I was waitressing at the diner and a guy ordered two eggs, one scrambled and one poached. He hurled his plate at me angrily because they "scrambled the egg he wanted poached and poached the egg he wanted scrambled." He stormed out without paying. FML

By Falcka - 12/4/2021 04:59

The client is always right

1075

Today, I dumped my girlfriend because she frequently wouldn't answer my texts or phone calls, and not call or message back for days. I felt that bringing it up made me a control freak. I couldn't take it anymore. FML

By Anonymous - 12/4/2021 02:00

Check yourself before you wreck yourself

972

235

Today, I flushed the toilet while my boyfriend was showering. He responded by throwing a huge fit, saying how if he “gets a cold” from being “forced” to shower in cold water, I’m gonna “have to stay home and take care of him until he’s better.” FML

By Anonymous - 12/4/2021 00:30

Big Baby

836

214

Today, the guy who told me he “wasn’t looking for a relationship” started being in a relationship with another girl. I lost my virginity to him and went on a few dates with him. He’s actually confused as to why I’m upset about this. FML

By Anonymous - 11/4/2021 23:00

Not the one

664

307

Today, I was giving a friend a neck rub when she started to breathe heavily. I figured she was getting into it, so I started kissing her neck. She then turned around and said, "Tell my roommate I'm having an asthma attack." FML

By Ekh0es - 11/4/2021 15:30 - United States - Garfield

Sensual moment

436

1512

Today, the man I love showed me the ring he's going to give to the woman that he loves. Who is someone else. FML

By LoveLifeFail - 11/4/2021 14:01 - Canada

Love bites

746

124

Today, I realised I need to grow up when I couldn’t stop laughing throughout a very serious meeting entitled, “Master / Sub Remediation Program.” It’s about electricity meters. FML

By Anonymous - 11/4/2021 11:00 - Australia

BDSM FML

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