The best jokes about life

101

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend making the bed, at 2 AM. And he wasn't so much making the bed as he was holding a pillow while lost in thought, looking at me. FML

By D Flower - 18/9/2021 13:00 - United States - Chicago

Serial killer vibes

214

Today, I dropped my phone in the frying pan whilst cooking my steak. I had to rinse off the oil immediately and clean the phone, then had to eat a cold steak. FML

By Anonymous - 19/9/2021 00:30 - Australia - Mypolonga

Kitchen nightmares

109

322

Today, I wonder about my mental and emotional state as I didn't react whatsoever to a semi that started to pull out in front of my speeding Camaro. If he hadn't seen me, and stopped, I would not be alive to post this. FML

By I'mmessedup - 18/9/2021 07:00 - United States - Marion

Alexa, play "Fast Cars" by Buzzcocks

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120

Today, Snapchat thought my double chin was a mouth. FML

By Weightlosshereicome - this FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Oxford

Can't filter that

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Today, I was accused of digital black face and cultural appropriating my own culture. FML

By Anonymous - 18/9/2021 11:00

Wokescolds gonna wokescold

359

Today, while having missionary sex, my girl was reaching a climax. She kept screaming a bunch of things like, “Yes!”, “Don’t stop!”, “Keep going.” Well, at least until a giant booger fell straight from my nose into her mouth. Then the only thing she was screaming was that I needed to leave. FML

By Anonymous - 18/9/2021 08:00

Feed me with your kiss

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222

Today, I have an acute URI and acute bronchitis. The cough syrup works amazingly well to stop the coughing, but if I take the cough syrup it gives me insomnia. So I get to choose: do I want to spend all night coughing, or spend all night tossing and turning? FML

By SickAndTired - 18/9/2021 05:00

Tough choice

398

Today, I learned two things: first, that a bladder infection may spread to your testicles, and second, that the first does not excuse you from work. FML

By Anonymous - 18/9/2021 02:01 - Belgium - Lint

Pee is stored in the balls

446

Today, I was called a judgemental bitch by my family for not letting my son back home after his release from prison, forgetting that none of them want to house him either, considering he did run me over with my car he was stealing to pay his debts to his drug dealer/prostitute provider. FML

By Anonymous - 17/9/2021 22:00 - United Kingdom

He's such a character!

707

Today, I found out that the mother of my children named her vibrator after me. We are together and have not had sex in over 18 months. I have no idea what to do with this information. FML

By Buzzing Confusion - 17/9/2021 13:00 - United States - Chicago

Us neither, dude

565

Today, my friends and I were finally able to meet up for lunch, amidst all of our busy schedules. We had fun talking and catching up about marriage, kids and careers. One friend decided to cause a huge scene though, because apparently we didn’t take her being a stay at home “dog mom” seriously. FML

By annoyed - 17/9/2021 08:00 - United States

It's a valid lifestyle!

656

Today, my mom called me from jail. She was arrested for having sex in public. I was with my dad when I got the call. FML

By Monkey - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

That's one way to start the weekend

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3034

Today, I called in sick for the first time. My boss said that if I didn’t show up, not only would he fire me, but he’d make sure I never find another job for the rest of my life. So I showed up to work with a bucket, puking every five minutes. My boss still made me stay the full nine hours. FML

By hi! - 17/9/2021 14:00

Buckethead

903

Today, it's my 16th birthday. My parents forgot about it, and planned a weekend out of town. I was alone on my birthday. FML

By Anonymous - 17/9/2021 13:59 - Netherlands

Sweet Sixteen

700

Today, my sister saw an empty bottle of squirty cream in my bedroom, and now her and my siblings keep teasing me about how I must have a really kinky sex life. Truth is, I ate the cream by myself with cake, chocolate and biscuits, because I was depressed about it actually being 2 years since I had sex. FML

By Anonymous - 17/9/2021 11:00

I wish!

550

129

Today, we live in a society where an Uber Eats order arrives a lot faster than the authorities. To make things worse, the Uber Eats order arrives screwed up as well. FML

By Anonymous - 17/9/2021 08:04

Timing is key

519

Today, I forgot that I gave my Bluetooth speaker a ridiculous device name as a joke when I'd first got it. It's all fun and games until you're around your family and they see the device name "ScoobyDooCumMilk" and are trying to figure out whose device it is. FML

By ThunderTh0t - 16/9/2021 23:00 - Australia

Great name

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Today, it's my birthday. Since I knew I would be spending it alone, I treated myself to a full cooked Scottish Breakfast. Just as I was plating up, I got carried away and my black pudding slipped out of my tongs and directly into my cat's litter tray. FML

By Heather Scurfield - 17/9/2021 01:00 - United Kingdom - Witney

Food for thought

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Today, I awoke to a strange feeling on my feet. It felt like a tongue, so at first thought it was the dog, but we don't have one. I looked down and it was my roommate. FML

By Anonymous - 16/9/2021 23:00

Creepy roommates #56

920

Today, after getting sick of my boyfriend pestering me for a threesome, I invited a male friend over. My boyfriend strongly declined, because, "Hell no, I ain’t gay." So this man expects me to be a lesbian, but him being gay is a problem. FML

By Julisna - 16/9/2021 20:00

Not sure that's how it works

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Today, I told my mother I have a girlfriend. Her first answer was, "Does she know?" FML

By notacreeper - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff

Classic

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Today, despite my muscles being just fine, my genetic collagen deformity has caused insane amounts of pain over things like 'walking' or 'sweeping the floor'. I used to be able to hike up mountains. FML

By Anonymous - 16/9/2021 11:00 - Canada - Ottawa

Take it easy

807

Today, I went to mediation with 5 managers and a coworker I do not get along with. Everyone in the room was at least 20 years younger than me, and the entire meeting was them telling me to drag myself into the present century and basically do whatever the younger, "smarter" people say, or else. FML

By Anonymous - 16/9/2021 14:00

Get with the times

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Today, my boyfriend gave me an ultimatum: either get an abortion, or he’ll move out to go work for his brother, and good luck chasing him up for child support because his brother lives abroad. FML

By Anonymous - 16/9/2021 10:59

Thanks Texas

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Today, my roommate is rampaging in the house at 1:00 a.m. because her stuff was moved out of the pantry for the new person, after being asked several times to move it herself. Apparently, she didn't see the text message heads-up, because she refuses to use her phone as a source of connection. FML

By emmalou - 16/9/2021 08:01

Rampage

704

Today, I'm over COVID but have apparently lost my sense of smell and taste. My boyfriend, who thinks he’s a comedian, said at least I can’t complain his farts stink and should have no problem swallowing instead of spitting during blowjobs. FML

By Anonymous - 16/9/2021 05:00

Silver linings

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Today, a licensed child psychologist with 20 years of experience threw my son out after his first appointment, with the immortal line, “You must be taking the piss, there’s a church in town, you’re gonna need their help more than mine.” He’s probably right. FML

By Anonymous - 16/9/2021 01:00 - United Kingdom

Unprofessional

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113

Today, my husband is so emotionally disconnected from fatherhood, he has yet to call our son by his name and instead just refers to him as 'It' or 'That' and occasionally just 'Him'. Sometimes he’ll even ignore him crying and just leave the room because the noise annoys him. FML

By Anonymous - 15/9/2021 22:00 - United Kingdom

Father of the year

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Today, I went in for a full hysterectomy due to medical issues. I came out being 6 weeks pregnant. FML

By Amanda - 15/9/2021 13:00 - United States - Greenbrier

Science has gone too far

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