All the FMLs

Wildin'

By sadsadteacher - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I had to tell some of my students to stop eating glue. I teach high school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 459

You deserved it 672

A right bunch of berks

By Anonymous - 25/09/2022 02:30 - United Kingdom

Today, I met my boyfriend's family. He calls his parents things like “geriatric hag” and “old clown”. I was about to yell at him, but they started calling him “nancy boy” and “nerd”. Apparently they love each other, but only communicate through abuse. I can’t believe I may soon marry into this mess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68

You deserved it 111

A wild TERF appears

By Anonymous - 25/09/2022 01:00

Today, someone started to scream at me that "I needed Jesus" and that "I would never be a real woman." When they realized I'm a guy with long hair, they got physically angry at me for "lying to them." FML

I agree, your life sucks 221

You deserved it 30

Pizza mystery

By Pick out the picks - 24/09/2022 15:30 - United States

Today, I picked out a toothpick from a pizza. This is not the first time I've had to do this. It is also not the first time that I didn't see it until less than a second before I bit down on the piece with the toothpick embedded in it. Looks like there's a toothpick assassin on the loose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 232

You deserved it 27

Startled

By Achoo - 24/09/2022 13:00 - United States

Today, I tried to introduce myself to the stray cat outside my house. As it turns out, this cat is very friendly. He got up and started climbing on my shoulders like a parrot, sniffing me everywhere. Then I sneezed and he fell, scratching my back and neck very badly as he did so. FML

I agree, your life sucks 293

You deserved it 108

Useful idiot

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. He said he would have done it two weeks ago but he needed someone to drive him around while his car was getting repaired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 599

You deserved it 4 458

Phasing out

By Anonymous - 24/09/2022 18:30 - India - Hyderabad

Today, I just started working in my core job domain, and all the guys working with me are giving up on their their jobs, because there's no future for it. It sucks being a mechanical design engineer in a country full of IT companies who just want us to convert. FML

I agree, your life sucks 375

You deserved it 54

Noped out of there

By Anonymous - 24/09/2022 11:30 - United Kingdom

Today, my wife and teen daughter are at the point where their monthly cycles have synced, so when I got home and heard them screaming at each other, I quietly closed the door so they couldn’t hear me, and like a coward I hid in my car until the screaming stopped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 554

You deserved it 97

Couch fights!

By Butters - 24/09/2022 16:00 - Australia - Lathlain

Today, it's my wedding day. I broke a toe on the couch while turning on the lights in the hotel room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 476

You deserved it 57

Lost in translation

By Anonymous - 24/09/2022 07:30

Today, in an idle moment I tried to change the language on a Word document. Instead, I changed my default Office language, and now all my Office apps - plus all my work Excel files - are now in Ukrainian. It's really hard to fix when you can't read the instructions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 261

You deserved it 423

Look out!

By Danger. Hard Hat Area. - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff - United States - Philadelphia

Today, while walking past a construction site on my way to class, a hard hat fell off a roof and hit me on the head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 658

You deserved it 537

That's kind of a big issue

By Anonymous - 24/09/2022 02:30

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years, who I love with every fiber in my body, just told me that he's not attracted to me. Not in any way, shape, or form. FML

I agree, your life sucks 666

You deserved it 62

Grifting

By ted - 24/09/2022 00:00

Today, my boss bitched me out for accepting a fake £100 note. It was a genuine note, but he couldn't believed someone would actually use such a note at a KFC. When I protested, he took it further and deducted the “lost profits” from my pay. The man is an asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 739

You deserved it 53

Diagnosis unconfirmed

By Anonymous - 23/09/2022 21:30

Today, I've been suffering from unbearable headache, fever, agonizing body pain for more than ten days. I took a COVID test, an antibiotic tablets course, even a dengue test. Finally after spending my entire bank balance on tests and MRI, it was diagnosed as a migraine - which went away with a single tablet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 593

You deserved it 158

It's good to talk

By kanenakid - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I realized the closest person I have to a friend is the debt collector who calls me every day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 355

You deserved it 6 749

The betrayal of it all

By Ih8Snitches - 23/09/2022 10:30 - United States

Today, I found out that no matter how friendly a coworker is to you, never vent to them about how the job "is a total shitjoint but pays good” and that the manager “sounds like Cyndi Lauper on crack.” Apparently a listening ear is also a running mouth. I was fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 304

You deserved it 1 000

Roasted

By JPark - 23/09/2022 08:00 - United States

Today, I deleted my account on social media and changed my name, all because I posted something hilariously inappropriate, and everybody laughed except one lady. My followers savagely jumped to my defense against this "one lady". I had to tell people to stop roasting my grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 574

You deserved it 221

Love is blind

By Blinded - 23/09/2022 02:30 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I finally figured out who my girlfriend reminds me of when she wears her glasses: the character Newman from Seinfeld. I can't unsee it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 520

You deserved it 122

Football blues

By Anonymous - 23/09/2022 03:00 - United States - Fairmont

Today, I noticed a text from a few days ago, and it appears that even my therapist sends me memes about how bad the Dallas Cowboys are. FML

I agree, your life sucks 436

You deserved it 180

Thanks but no thanks

By nu_ravers_101 - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I went surfing. One of my instructors came up to me and told me that the other, good looking, instructor didn't have a girlfriend. Who then turned around and said, "I do if you are trying to set me up with her." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 818

You deserved it 4 121

Anyone can be a 7 if you try hard enough

By Anonymous - 23/09/2022 04:00

Today, I had a very nice, long, and pleasant dream about having a girlfriend for the first time since 2010, and then I woke up. I'm right about myself, I'm going to be single for the rest of my life, and there's no point in trying to change that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 542

You deserved it 161

Stay hydrated

By Time To Go - 23/09/2022 01:30

Today, my kid has severe diarrhoea. My husband said he was going out to get medicine. Two long, painful hours later, I find he's out eating and chilling with his friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 838

You deserved it 90

The state of sex ed…

By UnhappyGrandmama - 22/09/2022 23:00

Today, my 17 year-old daughter texted me, “Mom I’m pregnat” Yes, exactly how you see it spelled. She’s a senior in high school. Oh, and she doesn’t know who the father is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 821

You deserved it 224

Tell us more about this trial business

By Anonymous - 22/09/2022 20:30

Today, while reading up on my ex-brother-in-law’s trial, I tripped over my own two feet, and heard my wrists, hands and fingers crack on a stone table. I can’t afford any more hospital bills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 613

You deserved it 174

Mr Spiderman

By Confused Clipboard - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my math teacher explained his concern for how "clipboard" should be pronounced similar to "cupboard." I thought he was crazy. I then later found myself saying it the new way to my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 598

You deserved it 1 658

Talk tonight

By Anonymous - 22/09/2022 15:30 - South Africa - Bryanston

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the second time. He's really nice, but he's terrible in bed. He busted a nut 3 times before I could orgasm once, and he can't finger to make up for it. His foreplay is trash. I'm starting to lose feelings for him because of the lack of sexual satisfaction. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 347

You deserved it 545

Life is very long when you're lonely

By Luna - 22/09/2022 13:00

Today, I noticed that I feel the loneliest when I'm with my family. I was raised in group homes for most of my childhood and I'm sure my mother doesn't want me, and she hasn't for years. My brothers used to disappear as kids and just do what they wanted, whereas I'd be home before curfew and I rarely acted out but still I'm unwanted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 001

You deserved it 70

Kinda sus, dude

By Meg - 22/09/2022 10:30

Today, I asked my husband to borrow his phone, since mine had died. His response was, “Well, you have a charger, use it.” When I reminded him that we weren’t at home, he screamed at me in front of everyone at the store, “I’m not letting you go through my phone and that’s final!” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 161

You deserved it 148

Slightly out of hand

By ThatGuyStank - 22/09/2022 02:00 - United States

Today, I had to email my professor, saying, "I can't go to the event assigned in place of class today, due to the mass shooter in the sewers." Gotta love living in the USA. FML

I agree, your life sucks 764

You deserved it 126

Inappropriate

By elcee1987 - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - San Francisco

Today, I took my niece to the zoo. She was crying so I pointed out the chimpanzee to distract her. At the same time, he sat down and began to jack off. Now my niece won't stop making the same hand gesture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 496

You deserved it 2 368

Nearly

Today, I saw video of someone whom I took for moral authority for many years justifying Putin's war with Ukraine.. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18

You deserved it 2

Today, I feel terrible. I forgot to take my meds last night and feel like I'll barf if I get up. I have a huge test in 3 days, so I'm anxious and now also disoriented and nauseous. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Today, my 17 year-old daughter texted me, “Mom I’m pregnat” Yes, exactly how you see it spelled. She’s a senior in high school. Oh, and she doesn’t know who the father is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 821

You deserved it 224

I agree, your life sucks 1 347

You deserved it 545