Your everyday life stories

Today, my roommate whipped my face with a frozen chicken cutlet. My cheek is now the size of the chicken cutlet, and now he won't drive me to the hospital because it's "too funny to look at." FML

By bigbuldge - 17/9/2019 00:01

Roommate From Hell

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Today, I was filling out an application for a job at a local pet store. At the end of it, they wanted a paragraph about any pets I had. After a while, I found myself finishing a 3-page essay about them. That's the longest essay I've ever written. FML

By I Heart My Cats and Dogs - 16/9/2019 22:01

Pet Store Madness

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Today, I got pulled over for speeding. After the cop asked for my license, he started laughing when he saw my picture. FML

By ACAB - 16/9/2019 20:00 - Australia

Officer McGiggles

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Today, on my birthday, my mother described my birth like a large, painful bowel movement in front of all my friends. FML

By Anonymous - 16/9/2019 18:00 - United States

Dumpy baby

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Today, a girl that I've been falling for told me that she's married. But not to worry, that "won't get in the way of 'us'." FML

By Anonymous - 16/9/2019 10:00 - United States

Sounds healthy

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Today, my grandfather found my diary laying in the living room, and for some reason thought it was an interesting reading material. Oh well, he found out that I'm a lesbian, then panicked and basically outed me to my entire family. I really hope they have reservations in Hell. FML

By Anonymous - 16/9/2019 14:00

Out and about

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Today, I accidentally rammed my finger into my desk, and it felt like I'd broken it. Yelping in pain, I fell over onto my bed, missed it, and landed on the floor. My dog saw this as a good opportunity to climb on top of me and start humping. FML

By Anonymous - 16/9/2019 12:00 - United States - New York

Showtime

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Today, I got an e-mail at work about payroll cuts. After our annual cost of living raise two weeks ago, I make $0.30 more per hour, but with my hours getting cut, I'll make $80 less per paycheck. That's two weeks of groceries. I can't afford my vacation next week now either. FML.

By Anonymous - 16/9/2019 08:28

Snakes and Ladders

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Hey my FML got published! First off, I'm a guy, so... that's weird. (They fixed it. Thank you!) Second, to those of you who took precious time out of your day to give me the brilliant idea to get another job... obviously. I've been applying like crazy for weeks already and hoping something will land. About the suggestion that I work overtime... what? No? Payroll cuts mean I can't even work my usual...

AlexF_1001 Say more :

By Anonymous - 16/9/2019 06:01 - United Kingdom - London

Damian?

Today, while babysitting, I got stabbed by a 7 year-old with a mechanical pencil. FML

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Today, I overheard this girl I don't really know say that she had cramps. Trying to be helpful, I turned round and told her she should stretch out where she had them. She then asked how the fuck she was supposed to stretch her ovaries. FML

By thegoalie - 16/9/2019 04:00 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Yoga for Dummies

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Today, I found out my husband has been telling everyone he doesn't want a baby. He has been telling me he does. We have been trying for months. I'm now pregnant and confused. FML

By Anonymous - 16/9/2019 02:00

Alexa, play "Confusion" by New Order

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Today, my boyfriend dumped me for a guy. I was the only one who knew he was bisexual. Now everyone thinks I "turned him gay." FML

By Anonymous - 16/9/2019 00:01

Big Little Lies

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Today, my art teacher fawned over my friend's photographs of random children and people making out, while she called my picture of an old man looking thoughtful on a pier "creepy" and "voyeuristic." FML

By badizzle - 15/9/2019 22:00

Helmut Newton strikes back

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Today, at work I had to spend 2 hours cleaning up stinky toilet water. Why? Because yesterday, I forgot to turn on the septic tank pumps. The tank overflowed, and so did all the toilets. My boss is not happy. FML

By DogStew - 15/9/2019 20:00

Pumped-up Tanks

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By Mystic Alan - 15/9/2019 18:00

FML's Weekly Horoscope - 15th of September 2019

Find out what embarrassing stuff the dumbass stars and planets have in store for you this week!

Today, my fiance's mother asked him how he can be with someone with chronic pain for the rest of his life. She has chronic health problems too, but doesn't see how this is a hypocritical question. FML

By littlelia - 15/9/2019 14:00

Mirror, mirror…

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Today, I bought flowers with my groceries at the grocery store. After the cashier scanned them, he handed them back to me so they wouldn't get crushed in my cart. It was then that I realized he's the first man to ever hand me flowers. FML

By ThisIsMyLife - 15/9/2019 12:00

Flowers (Nothing But)

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Today, my husband of four years finally told me he has an eight-year-old son. FML

By MIA - 15/9/2019 06:03

Today, on Maury…

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Today, I invited a bunch of friends over to hang out and watch a movie. It's been two hours since everyone was supposed to turn up, and no one has showed. Thanks, friends. FML

By lonely - 15/9/2019 04:05 - Canada - Granby

Saturday Night Fever-ish

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Today, my cat was looking a little peaky. After craning my neck to check for lumps under his chin, he felt this was the perfect time to throw up a half-digested mouse onto my face. FML

By oh, good - 15/9/2019 02:02 - United Kingdom - Bath

Poor Mickey

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Today, after 4 days of using anti-itch cream for what pharmacists and nurses have called “an allergic reaction”, I was diagnosed with shingles. FML

By ouch - 15/9/2019 00:01

Scratch that

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Today, I was elected "class mom", even though I didn’t want to do it. I was also handed several envelopes in the hectic school hallway, containing parental cash contributions for the year. I lost several of the envelopes while rushing to my car, and now have to contribute €100 instead of €25. FML

By Meowitzer - 14/9/2019 22:00

Classy Mom

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Today, I asked the guy I'm dating if he could not drink on our next date, because he ends up drunk-driving every time. His response was, "This isn't working out." FML

By Anonymous - 14/9/2019 20:00

It's only a bit of liquid fun, come on!

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Today, my endometriosis has reached stage 4 and has spread to many organs, including my colon. My constipation got so bad that my Apple Watch told me it was time to stand up. FML

By Anonymous - 14/9/2019 18:03

Protip

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Today, I was trying to ease off a caffeine headache. I ended up getting a Brain Freeze. FML

By Anonymous - 14/9/2019 16:00

Dr House

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Today, I sent a photo of my flat to my mother to show her how tidy I’d made it. What I didn’t realise was that my lube and sex toys were also included in the photo of the bedroom. FML

By Anonymous - 14/9/2019 13:00 - United Kingdom - Godalming

TMI

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Today, a co-worker came back from his honeymoon. He passed by my office to say hi, and mentioned, "I heard you're getting married next year?" I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday. He's taking his things out of the house as I write this. FML

By Anonymous - 14/9/2019 12:00 - Australia - Cairns

Wrong place, right time

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Today, I was awoken by the sound of my dorm roommate having sex three feet from me. He was sober, knew I was there, and has a deployed military girlfriend. FML

By Anonymous - 14/9/2019 06:01

Boundaries, dude!

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Today, I mowed our lawn without being asked. My sister wouldn't stop yelling at me for not checking with her, because she wanted the grass to get long enough to "play jungle" in. My mom sided with her. FML

By Anonymous - 14/9/2019 04:01 - United States

Try to do a nice thing…

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