Today, my family had to travel for a funeral. On the drive down, I saw that my son had brought his Switch. I always suspected he didn't care about anything but himself, but this hurts worse than ever confirming that he prizes his stupid video games over us and our collective grief. FML
Today, I was talking to my boss and he said I was awesome. He went to fist bump me and I missed. FML
Today, my mother offered me some chocolate milk. I took a few gulps before I realized the label said it was raw unpasteurized milk. When I pointed this out to my mother, she asked me what pasteurization is. We might get sick because my mother is the most horrifically ignorant and out-of-touch person on earth. FML
Today, 40-something year-old man hit on me at the mall (I'm 14), then told me that ladies needed to dress like ladies after I made a joke to my friend about wanting to wear jeans to homecoming. I'm not a girl btw. FML
Today, my son was getting jumped by four boys. My daughter came outta nowhere like freakin John Cena and started rag dolling those little punks. Instead of being thankful and grateful that his sister saved his ass, he decided to complain that she made him look like weak. FML
Today, I strained so hard while on the toilet that I gave myself a nosebleed. FML
Today, I discovered that my fiance only got with me because he has a fetish for black women (he's white). That's the only reason he started dating me. Never mind my career or anything else. All that mattered to him was the color of my skin. FML
Today, I woke up and groveled and apologized to my wife for waking her up. I went to work and sent groveling, apologetic texts throughout the day when she got angry. I got home, groveled and apologized for being tired and hungry, then ate a cold sandwich and went to bed. A typical day. FML
Today, while checking on my mother's photo album, I remembered that I had to take care of my baby brother at age 12 because she worked 60 hours a week and my father was a little too busy with either booty calls or gambling. FML
Today, my neighbors heard me when I was yelling to an AI model for not following instructions. FML
Today, I had to pretend to give birth in a play. I wanted to make it a realistic as possible but ended up crapping myself on stage by accident. FML
Today, after working at the company for 15 years, all I got was a pin with the number 15 on it and a little bundled package of a pencil, small notebook, keychain and a mug saying “Thank you for all you do!” I wrote an e-mail to HR as to why I deserved a raise or bonus. I got threatened with “disciplinary action.” FML
Today, I learned first hand the pleasure of having a stoma bag with severe diarrhoea from food poisoning. The bag can only safely hold 300ml before it needs changing, and I’ve changed it 6 times today. I only get 60 bags a month from the NHS, and at this rate I’ll run out in 5 days. FML
Today, I pinched a nerve in my shoulder while pulling the bedcovers higher in the morning. After excruciating pain all day, I climbed back into bed at night, twisting my knee in the process. FML
Today, my girlfriend caught the bouquet at her sister's wedding. I took it as a sign so after we got home, I proposed. She laughed and said no way. I'm done. FML
Today, do you know those stories of kittens running up to you in public and choosing you as their human, so you get them vet treatment, hand raise them yourself and they love you forever? Yeah, not with mine. He’s one year old now and a total asshole who bites me at least once a day. FML
Today, I joined a video call five minutes early and started checking my emails while I waited. Someone said, “You're already sharing your screen.” I'd accidentally shown everyone my inbox for the first five minutes. FML
Today, I was paying for groceries when the cashier asked if I wanted cash back. I said yes and handed over my card. She stared at me and said, “You're using a library card.” I'd pulled the wrong card out of my wallet. FML
Today, at my job at a ceramics store, I was loading a $300 statuette into a woman's car when I saw a dismembered foot in the trunk. I was so startled that I dropped the statuette and it shattered. Turns out the foot was fake and now my boss says I have to pay for the damage. FML
Today, my husband complained that the kids are more attached to me than they are to him. Let’s see: I do all the housework, school activities, doctor and dentist appointments, extracurriculars, and cook dinner every night. What does he do? He works so he thinks we should all exalt him. FML
Today, my wife and I were house-hunting. The only house that looked remotely like what we hoped for had a neighbor who flies a huge American flag and owns a massive pickup. I think we'll keep looking. FML
Today, the girl I’ve moved mountains and bent over backwards for chose another man over me. When I asked her why him and not me, she said, “He’s more attractive.” But she sure found me “attractive” when I spent $20k on her for gifts, favors, etc. She put me in the friend-zone, except when I took my wallet out. FML
Today, I was at the airport to pick up my mother since my baby is due soon. As she arrived, I smiled wide and opened my arms for a hug, but she walked right by me. Apparently, being pregnant makes me unrecognizable. My husband and I had to tell it her was me, her own daughter. FML
Today, I went through another breakup. This will be my fourth in two years. None of them could handle or accept that I'm still best friends with my ex-husband, who is actually gay. FML
Today, I thought I'd try to play Marvel Rivals, but my anxiety over having to interact with other people got so bad I panicked and never made it past the main menu. I really wanted to make friends or something. FML
Today, I asked my husband if I should wear my black or red heels with my dress. He looked me up and down from the sofa and said, “We needed to leave 45 minutes ago to have any prayer of getting there on time, I'm now watching TV, so you and your heels please leave me alone now.” Oops. FML
Today, I was complaining to my boyfriend about our excessive water bill. He then says, "Don't look at me, I don't even shower." FML
Today, via the power of crooked lawyers, it is possible for a husband to dump all three kids on his ex-wife whilst keeping the house for himself and paying no child support. I’m the ex-wife, and my three kids are sharing a blanket on my dad's sofa, with school in the morning. FML
Today, my girlfriend caught the bouquet at her friend's wedding, then shook them in my face like an accusation. I joined in the laughing with everyone else, but it put her in a mood, and she now hasn’t spoken to me in two days. FML
Today, I had to take an urgent dump at work. I noticed too late there was no toilet paper left, so I had to risk doing a quick "pants around the knees" shuffle to the next stall. I locked eyes with the window cleaner at the same time I heard someone enter from behind me. FML
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