All the FMLs

Roommates from hell, part 47757

By Sofvcked - 29/06/2022 10:00

Today, I found out when my new roommate said she was self-employed, she really meant unemployed. She insists that I let her stay for free or she will file a sexual assault case against me. Rent is due on the 10th. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35

You deserved it 5

CPS

By Bad Parent - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff

Today, I received a visit from a social worker. My son told his teacher I was starving him, all because I refused to let him eat pizza and ice cream for breakfast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 176

You deserved it 4 472

Wingnut

By Anonymous - 29/06/2022 06:00

Today, my son actually tried to get out of being arrested by claiming he was “an agent” and unless they let him go, his employers “from the government” would come looking for him and there would be “consequences”. The officers eventually got their breath back from laughing at him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 183

You deserved it 20

God laughs

By Flipper_87 - 29/06/2022 04:00

Today, my girlfriend, who I’ve been madly in love with for 18 months, left me for some guy she met two weeks ago. I was planning to propose to her next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 286

You deserved it 34

Boundaries

By lordoftheweird - 29/06/2022 02:00

Today, I couldn't leave my room because my dad was having a foursome in the living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 389

You deserved it 20

Superficial

By Bram - 29/06/2022 00:00

Today, I confessed to my husband that after having my eating disorder under control the last two years, I've relapsed the last three months. He responded by telling me to keep it up, because he wants to have the hottest wife out of all his friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 483

You deserved it 46

Rats!

By Anonymous - 28/06/2022 13:00 - United States - Pomona

Today, I'm feeling extremely sick and itchy. I'd bought rats as pets to help with my anxiety, and they gave me ringworm. I now have ringworm in about nine places on my body, including my face. I don’t know which one is worse, being dizzy from the medication or the itching. I’m feeling more anxious than ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 300

You deserved it 258

Bad aim

By goldengirl - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, my doctor asked for a urine sample. It's the first time I've tried to cup my own pee. Despite the fact that I'm a woman, I managed to aim wrong, and sprayed the floor, hit the door and my handbag with my own pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 345

You deserved it 16 848

Too much information

By Anonymous - 28/06/2022 10:00 - United States - Peyton

Today, my wife of twelve years got drunk and told me the best sex she’s ever had was with her first ex after they broke up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 448

You deserved it 65

Monopoly

By Anonymous - 28/06/2022 16:00

Today, I called complaints for my internet provider because, again, it's slowed to a crawl that would make dial-up laugh. They said that I live in a remote area, so maintenance is difficult. When I pointed out I only live ten minutes from the nearest city, they responded by saying they're my only option, so tough. FML

I agree, your life sucks 522

You deserved it 44

GOT FML

By so not funny! - 28/06/2022 05:00 - United States

Today, my husband and I, as well as our two oldest kids, have dark hair. Our youngest came out with very blonde hair, like my older brother's. My husband insists on calling the baby our little “golden-haired Lannister”, no matter how many times I’ve asked him to stop. He thinks it’s hilarious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 490

You deserved it 98

Everybody needs good neighbours

By Anonymous - 28/06/2022 05:00 - United States

Today, I got t-boned while on my way represent myself in a deposition for a lawsuit I filed against my neighbor. The other driver was my neighbor's husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 627

You deserved it 38

Remember me?

By Anonymous - 28/06/2022 10:00

Today, I have never once been to the most popular club in our city, because the head bouncer is my high school bully and he’s still such a prick he won’t let me inside, and this does include him picking me up in my best clubbing clothes and throwing me into a puddle on the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks 624

You deserved it 88

Lost

By Nancy - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, after being at summer camp for two weeks, my parents never showed up to take me home. A counselor had to drive me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 417

You deserved it 3 171

Nice guy

By Amy - 28/06/2022 06:00

Today, three weeks after I gave birth to a stillborn, my now ex-husband told me he’s leaving me for his pregnant coworker. It’s his. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 138

You deserved it 53

I'm sticking with you

By Anonymous - 28/06/2022 04:00

Today, due to an emergency, I have worked for 21 hours non stop. When I got home at 6 a.m. I fell into bed and stuck to the sheets. Only then, just as he was going to work, did my husband yell up the stairs that the sheets needed washing because he spilled his cough medicine all over the bed when he woke up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 813

You deserved it 49

Out of shape

By Anonymous - 28/06/2022 02:00

Today, I’m now so unfit, I had to stop halfway through sex with my wife to catch my breath, and in the end we just gave up, as clearly neither of us was having an orgasm today. I don’t get it, I weigh exactly 11 stone and exercise regularly, but I have no stamina and shit lungs. I hate myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 595

You deserved it 135

It was an accident, I swear

By Anonymous - 28/06/2022 00:00

Today, my new girlfriend has a purse dog, a chihuahua. The thing is so small, I didn’t see it, tripped over it, and my knee broke its back. It had to be put down. I don’t have a girlfriend anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 808

You deserved it 245

Probably not

By Anonymous - 27/06/2022 22:00

Today, I realized that I divorced my husband of 36 years and took up with a new man, just be in exactly the same situation I was in before. Will I never learn? FML

I agree, your life sucks 221

You deserved it 938

Find my iPhone

By hockey - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, I left my new iPhone in a taxi I was sharing with a friend. Apparently, when I got out she looked at it, told the driver someone had left it, and gave it to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 363

You deserved it 5 569

Dream baby dream

By NewDadHurtBad - 27/06/2022 09:00 - Canada - Quesnel

Today, for the third time in 3 months, my pregnant wife woke me up by slapping me because I cheated on her in her dreams. I would never cheat on my wife, and she blames it on "pregnancy brain." There's still 5 months to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 730

You deserved it 87

How does technology work?

By lukey101 - 28/06/2022 00:00 - Australia - Wahroonga

Today, my mum refused to send me a picture she took on her iPhone until it synced up to her iPad, because she claimed it will then appear larger. When I tried to explain the image will be the same regardless, she angrily accused me of not having any trust in her. I still haven’t seen the picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 620

You deserved it 58

It's an emergency!

By Anonymous - 27/06/2022 07:00 - United States - Steele

Today, my "friend" almost killed both of my cats by feeding them chocolate donuts, even after I slapped one out of his hand and spelled out to him exactly why chocolate is bad for cats. Just to rub more salt into the wound, I got pulled over for speeding while I was driving like mad to get to the vet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 711

You deserved it 97

Pros and cons

By Anonymous - 27/06/2022 12:00

Today, I realised that I can't orgasm if I don't relax enough to let myself fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 595

You deserved it 122

Psycho

By Anonymous - 27/06/2022 04:00 - United States

Today, I came home early to find my (now ex) girlfriend having a screaming argument with my son, because he caught her trying to burn pictures of my late wife. I'm back to being single, but at least I can be proud of my son for standing up to her (he's usually very timid). Can't believe I was dating that psycho. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 111

You deserved it 70

Just a tad

By concusion - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I found out the "small termite problem" the inspector told me about wasn't so small when a box from the attic fell through the floor and hit me in the head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 951

You deserved it 3 312

Recipe for disaster

By Anonymous - 27/06/2022 06:00

Today, my ex-boyfriend asked me for emotional support because his crazy new girlfriend hit him in the face over a text of mine. Fuck his life, as I was only asking for his mum's ravioli recipe, but I'm a little surprised he's already on vacation with the new girl just two weeks after our break-up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 745

You deserved it 115

Oddly specific

By Anonymous - 27/06/2022 04:00

Today, I overheard my girlfriend admit to her sister she likes sex in the dark not because she’s embarrassed of her body, but because she’s disgusted by mine. She loves me, enjoys sex with me, and wants to make me happy, but apparently my tattoos and hairy chest are a turn off, so no lights. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 148

You deserved it 251

Consequences

By you’re one to talk! - 26/06/2022 17:00 - United States

Today, I reluctantly went to a family get together. My nosy aunt decided to try to lecture me on why I should spank my kids. That’s great coming from a woman who was a teen mom, had kids with 3 different guys, and now has grown kids that hate her guts. Yeah I truly need lessons on how to be a mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 739

You deserved it 74

Baby come back

By Lost - 27/06/2022 00:00

Today, I went to pick up my daughter from school. The secretary said that my husband had already picked her up two hours ago. I don't have a husband. He left while I was pregnant with her 6 years ago. The secretary said “no one told her” she had to check ID’s before releasing a child for early dismissal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 834

You deserved it 72

Nearly

Today, and for years previous, my country is sliding headfirst towards becoming a Christian right-wing fascist dystopia, and I’m too poor to move away and powerless to do jack shit about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46

You deserved it 20

Today, I woke up with no rights to my body, and my prescription for birth control has been canceled by my insurance. Thanks SCOTUS. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41

You deserved it 17

Spicy

Today, I couldn't leave my room because my dad was having a foursome in the living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 389

You deserved it 20

Today, my wife of twelve years got drunk and told me the best sex she’s ever had was with her first ex after they broke up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 448

You deserved it 65