The best jokes about life

Today, after almost a year of no steady work, I struggled to get anything done once my 7-months pregnant girlfriend woke up at noon. She wanted to talk the whole time, and eventually broke down crying because of her relationship with her mother. I spent the the day consoling her. No wonder I can't get any work. FML

By Anonymous - 4/2/2021 21:30

Yada yada yada

Today, on the third of February, my mom finally relented and let us take the Christmas decorations down. FML

By Anonymous - 4/2/2021 20:01

At last

130

Today, school finally opened up using a hybrid schedule. Unfortunately, two of my teachers were quarantined and half of the school was on Zoom. I spent two hours in the library doing nothing with a mask on. Everyone else was on Zoom in bed. FML

By POP-o-popo - 4/2/2021 17:01

Bored

215

Today, after they said being a dad is fun, after saying that you got to do things when you were a kid… Well now, I'm at the lost and found of the city, asking, "Have you seen my kid?" FML

By Matt Steele - 4/2/2021 14:01

Call the cops

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Today, I confronted my boyfriend that I found his “hidden” Tinder profile and his horny messages between him and other girls. His response? “Babe, that was a month ago.” FML

By Boundaries - 4/2/2021 11:01

So that makes it alright?

389

Today, due to the pandemic and living alone, I finally had some physical human contact for the first time in six months for my dental checkup. Which was also the last contact I had almost a year ago. FML

By LockedDown - 3/2/2021 23:03 - United States - Vancouver

Need warmth

354

Today, it was my birthday. My partner of 9 years, and father of my two children, bought me a set of headphones for him to use on the treadmill. Didn’t wrap them, didn’t say happy birthday to me, didn’t tell my kids it was my birthday and worked on the yard all day. FML

By Anonymous - 4/2/2021 04:53

You sure it was your birthday?

518

Today, my mother offered to give my overweight girlfriend the workout DVDs that she no longer needs. FML

By FalkensLabyrinth - 3/2/2021 19:57 - United States - Gardner

Tact

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Today, I pulled out an annoying nose hair with a tweezer and it made me cry. Not particularly painful but it triggered the tear duct. Had to pretend it was from yawning when someone asked why the teary eye. FML

By Anonymous - 3/2/2021 18:30 - United States - Pittsburgh

What's more embarrassing?

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Today, my boyfriend was tidying up around the room. I asked him if he'd like me to help, to which he responded, "No, I don't need any help," then added, "Wish you weren't so lazy." FML

By Billie - 4/2/2021 00:01 - Bulgaria

Can't win

488

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Today, I'm a gay, black man who moved to a racist, mainly white, homophobic town for work. I've already had the cops called on me twice, and a group of teens yelled the f-slur at me unprompted. When I asked my boss if I could swap, he threatened to fire me. This is gonna be a long 6 months. FML

By AngryBlackMan - 3/2/2021 21:30 - United States

This is America

828

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Today, I'm nearly done with my cortisol treatment for a persistent multi-day migraine. Good news: it actually stopped for the last two blissful, pain-free days. Bad news: apparently anything less than the maximum dose of cortisol doesn't prevent me from getting a new migraine. Here we go again. FML

By Anonymous - 3/2/2021 19:55

Fill her up

516

Today, my sisters took me to a gay bar to celebrate my birthday. All was going well, until the drag queens demanded anyone with a birthday on stage. My sisters forced me to go. Turns out, it was for a twerking contest. I can't dance and have social anxiety. When I got off the stage, I cried. FML

By Anonymous - 3/2/2021 17:01

Alexa, play "Unhappy Birthday" by The Smiths

715

Today, my mother told me I've gained so much weight recently, she thinks I should get gastric bypass surgery. FML

By Anonymous - 3/2/2021 14:02

Flattery will get you nowhere

503

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Today, I finally had a man say, "I love you" to me in a sincere tone. It was a customer, who was high, over the phone. I said it back. FML

By Charlatan126 - 3/2/2021 05:00 - United States - Hilliard

It's the thought that counts…

545

Today, my wife threw up in the middle of sex, then fell asleep right after. I didn't even finish and it'd been over a month since the last time. FML

By Anonymous - 3/2/2021 01:01 - Mexico - Iztacalco

That's… sexy

565

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Today, I tried to prove a point to my six-year-old son who refuses to drink water from the kitchen sink in favor of from the bathroom faucet. I filled up two cups, one with the kitchen water and another with the bathroom water, thinking he wouldn’t tell the difference. He gagged on the kitchen water. FML

By elaine - 2/2/2021 21:01 - United States - Denver

Are you a wizard?

221

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Today, I was having a horrible day and messaged a friend to vent. She replied with, "Eat a cookie" and proceeded to send me a picture with a "motivational" quote from her buddhistic spiritual leader. FML

By Anja - 3/2/2021 03:30

Thanks, I hate it!

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Today, my husband took our 5-month-old to the doctor, who diagnosed him with a severe sinus blockage and referred us to a specialist. This is the third major health problem with our son that our husband has picked up before I did. My job? I’m a nurse in a paediatric clinic. FML

By Anonymous - 3/2/2021 01:56

Right under your nose

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Today, despite my asking her several times, my mom seems incapable of putting dog food in a bowl. She just throws it on the floor, where you step on it, slip on it, the doors get stuck on it and the tiles are now full of greasy dog food crumbs. FML

By Anonymous - 2/2/2021 23:01 - Germany

Clean up in aisle 3 please

662

Today, a 4 year-old saw me and started crying and screaming like heck. I mean, I knew that I didn't look good, but this is too much. FML

By Anonymous - 2/2/2021 21:30

It's the monstaaaaah

542

Today, I received my first dick pic from my boyfriend. Problem is, we broke up 3 weeks ago and his next message said, "Oops, sorry, wrong person." FML

By Anonymous - 2/2/2021 14:01 - Australia

Thanks, I hate it

630

Today, my son and his friends were gaming in his room when I thought I'd use a word I recently discovered online. I said, "Hey, this is all very poggers." My son sighed and said, "How do you do, fellow kids?" I got Steve Buscemi-ed. FML

By Anonymous Dad - 2/2/2021 17:02

That's not very pog

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Today, after worrying for years about grinding my teeth after various dentists mentioned seeing evidence. Apparently, this worry manifested as subconsciously putting my tongue in the way at night, to the point where I have an open bite at 39 when I never had a problem before. I can't bite through sushi or sandwiches. FML

By Ben Moy - 2/2/2021 07:57 - United States - Wallingford

Once bitten…

520

Today, while my partner usually has their work mic muted, I went in and complained about my period. Turns out today was the one day they didn't have it muted. Their whole team heard, and I used to work with some of them. FML

By Ishnar - 2/2/2021 05:01 - United States

PMS PSA

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Today, I just found out that I was missing almost $500 from my debit card. Turns out my brother used my card to simp on a streamer. When I confronted him, he said, "But you would have simped on her either way." FML

By Anonymous - 2/2/2021 07:58

Simps gonna simp

617

Today, I was supposed to have a hospital appointment I've been waiting three months for, but they changed it to a phone call. The call consisted of the consultant asking questions and saying, "Yes, I see that in your notes", before concluding I need to a physical appointment and booking one… for three months' time. FML

By inefficiencies - 2/2/2021 05:10

See ya!

741

Today, my girlfriend of three months broke up with me. Her reason? I'm "not interesting." I said things that might have led to a conversation, she would say "yeah" to everything. She argued about stuff I said that she didn't like; called my mates cunts; didn't let me have female mates. All her mates are lads. FML

By Anonymous - 2/2/2021 01:01 - United Kingdom - Buckie

Unmatched

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Today, after we had sex for the first time, my boyfriend shouted, “Huzzah! My genes will live on!” We used a condom. FML

By Anonymous - 2/2/2021 00:30

Not a biology major

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