Your everyday life stories

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Today, my friend borrowed my car and decided to get pulled over after a high speed chase. My car got towed in a town over 100 miles away. Choose your friends wisely. FML

By cpiro - 27/5/2020 05:00

Live from the chopper

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Today, I found out that the last girl from my graduating high school class is engaged to her boyfriend. I'm now the only guy from high school who's still single and I'm not even 30 yet. FML

By Anonymous - 27/5/2020 02:00

It's a marathon, not a sprint

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Today, my dad is super overprotective and can view my search history through his phone. I'd downloaded the Google app to be able search for things he wouldn't approve of. I just realized I've been making all these searches on my school account. I go to a private school and they can view my search history. FML

By Anonymous - 26/5/2020 23:00

Incognito browsing

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Today, I told my BFF that I went to the store to buy medium shirts because I had gained some weight during coronavirus. He asked me, "What's the point in doing that when you're getting so fat, those wont even fit in 2 weeks?" FML

By JessicaandGhazi - 26/5/2020 20:00

Expanding universe

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Today, after my fiancee gave me $100 to spend at the garden center as my Mother's Day gift, when I was on my way home from the center, he called and yelled at me because I didn't get what he wanted me to get. FML

By Anonymous - 26/5/2020 17:00

Mind control

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Today, my husband returned from a hiking trip. We had "I missed you" sex and after we were done, he told me about all the ticks he had while on the trail. He then went to shower and while washing, he found a tick latched to his penis. I technically had a three way. FML

By KTBeck - 26/5/2020 14:00

Three is the magic number

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Today, my state began relaxing the quarantine order. We decided to take the kids for a nice picnic in the park to get them outside. First park we went to, we saw a homeless man openly pissing in the parking lot. Second park, we saw two teens fucking on the table. Day was officially ruined. FML

By thanks a lot - 26/5/2020 08:00

Stay alert!

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Today, after my husband spent several days in his shed welding, he showed me his completed Captain America shield. It looked shit. I warned him not to throw it, but he threw it anyway, missed his target, bounced it off the garage and smashed the kitchen window, showering our kids in glass. FML

By Anonymous - 26/5/2020 05:00

Captain Dumbass

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Today, my job offer from a Fortune 500 company was canceled because of the coronavirus. This is the third time this year a job I passed interviews and tests for got canceled. I’m an international student who just graduated last week. I only have 90 days to find a job to stay in the US. FML

By N/A - 26/5/2020 02:00

Time is of the essence

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Today, our town is so bored that the most entertainment we got was on the local buy and sell trade page, where someone posted that they got someone else's package in the mail, and everyone in town spent 6 hours trying to guess what was in the box. It was actually the highlight of most of our day. FML

By Alyxandrea Loffer - 25/5/2020 23:00

Small town blues

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Today, sleeping in a little late, I was woken up by my phone. Still tired, I quickly checked the display to realize it's my girlfriend calling. I pick up the phone saying, "Hey baby girl!" She seemed pretty startled, so I double-checked and realized it was my new boss, who has the name as my girlfriend. FML

By Anonymous - 25/5/2020 20:00

Oh, hai!

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Today, my husband and I waited until the TV shut off at 11 p.m. in the next room to signal his grandmother had retired to her bed upstairs. After doing it on a very squeaky bed, we went out naked half an hour later to go to the restroom across the hall, only to discover his Nana laying on the couch. FML

By secretmisery05 - 25/5/2020 17:00

Oh, hello there!

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Today, I got my commissioned anime portrait done. One of my friends commented on why all my commissions are skinny look-alikes, when I'm really fat in real life and active in body positivity. Then everyone started agreeing with her, stating that if I was so happy with who I am, why my art is of me slim? FML

By Anonymous - 25/5/2020 14:00

Some friends you've got there

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Today, I found out that before I met my boyfriend of one year, he slept with his twin brother's ex girlfriend who his twin had dated for two years before ending things. Am I dating a monster? FML

By PoorJudgeOfCharacter - 25/5/2020 08:00

How could you?

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Today, I realized that my one and only motivation to lose weight was the fact that it would take less alcohol to get me blitzed if I didn’t weigh as much. FML

By sad fat drunk - 25/5/2020 05:00

Boozehound

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Today, my mom came in my room to give me a goodbye kiss. Out of pure instinct, from hours of doing this to my girlfriend in this exact same spot, I held the kiss way longer than what a mother-son kiss should last. My mom actually had to tell me to "let go" before I let her leave. FML

By deadman - 25/5/2020 02:00

Creeped out

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Today, I was hanging out with my friends and my sister, we were all wasted and I was making jokes. My sister then gets a phone call, I leave the room to get a drink and I hear everyone go a bit silent I come back in and all of the sudden everyone looks at me. My friend says, "Um… I'm so sorry, your mom passed." FML

By Anonymous - 24/5/2020 23:00

Bad news

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Today, I heard my downstairs neighbor being beaten by her husband. I anonymously called 911, hoping to help. She must've seen me giving the cops my statement because as soon as they left, she knocked on my door and punched me square in the face while screaming, "Mind your own business bitch!" FML

By tryingtohelp - 24/5/2020 20:00

Good samaritan

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Today, I had too much to eat at dinner. I had to cut sexy time with my husband short because I couldn't do it. I feel bad because it's his birthday today but we stopped. I then proceeded to throw up everything I ate today. FML

By Anonymous - 24/5/2020 17:00

Let it all out

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Today, I overheard my co-worker talking about how she's going to Panama City, Florida this weekend and is going to "get lit." It's the middle of the pandemic, and she's going to go party on a beach. She'll be back at work Tuesday. FML

By Anonymous - 24/5/2020 14:00

Spreading it around

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Today, I was struck at home with a stomach virus. My dad, being an occasional insensitive smart-ass, decided to cook some bacon, sit right in front of the couch I was lying on, and eat the bacon. Last time I tried to eat bacon with a stomach virus... Not pretty. FML

By rawr_ily96 - 24/5/2020 08:00 - United States

Barf

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Today, while I was working in a department store, two 15-year-old kids started having sex in a changing room. When I found them, the boy pulled out and said, "You want in, bitch?" I then had to prevent his jealous, half-naked girlfriend from murdering me. FML

By Anonymous - 24/5/2020 05:00

Get out

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Today, my nephews decided to play with and break the antique hourglass I bought for my mom. It took months to find and cost nearly $500. When I told my sister, she refused to repay me and responded with, "What do you expect, they’re just little boys!" Her "little boys" are 12 and 14. FML

By badmombadkids - 24/5/2020 02:00

Assholes, assholes everywhere

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Today, there's no recovering from this. FML

By Anonymous - 23/5/2020 23:00

Crossed wires

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Today, my wife, who NEVER wants to have sex, decided that now is the time. I, of course, had to take antibiotics that make me so bloated I can’t move without extreme pain. FML

By Anonymous - 23/5/2020 20:00

Feelin' sexy

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Today, my dad happened to mention he proposed to his girlfriend I had no idea he was dating. Turns out it's one of my old high school teachers, specifically the bitch who hated me as much as I hated her. My dad is so oblivious, he has no idea WWIII is about to start in our living room. FML

By Anonymous - 23/5/2020 17:00

Tense

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Today, a woman I’d never met came to my door asking if my kids were ready to go. Obviously I refused to send my kids with a stranger. Apparently she’s my ex's new girlfriend and "has his permission" to come get my kids. Now he’s threatening to take me to court for violating the visitation order. FML

By ihatemyex - 23/5/2020 14:00

Who are you?

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Today, my mother told me I must break up with my gorgeous, brilliant, talented, kind, respectful boyfriend of 2 weeks. Why? One of his closest friends died, and he's struggling with his spiritual identity. Apparently, by being with him, I'm walking on 'unholy ground.' FML

By OhGodWhy - 23/5/2020 08:00

Superstition

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