Today, my idiot friends set me up on a blind date. It was about to go well, until her glass eye fell out onto my hand. FML
Today, my wife is mad at me because I didn’t let our son win at Mario Kart Racing and he cried. I’m sorry, but it’s almost impossible to let a kid win at Mario Kart when he drives his character off every cliff, runs into every obstacle, and pulls 180s to drive down the track in the wrong direction. FML
Today, my dad, who only recently came back into my life, decided somewhere in his booze-damaged brain, that I still needed parenting like a teenager. He tried to take my car keys for staying out late, tried to ground me for drinking, and disapproves of me dating. I’m 27 and own my own home. FML
Today, I was pulling into a parking garage space and using the next car over to judge where the wall was in front of me, but ended up whumping my front bumper as I pulled forward. Wondering what had happened, I got out to see that the car I was aligning myself against had hit the wall too. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after ten months. Why? She found out I didn't vote. Apparently that means I don't care about "her rights" and that's "a dealbreaker." Crazy bitch. FML
Today, I had court at 8 am. After 4 hours of sitting through other's hearings, they finally told me that there wasn't any time for me. I've already had to go out of my way to request time off from work and get witnesses together. FML
Today, I found some guy on the internet called “@GlazerOf(my username)” who was really sweet and complimented my art. I cried in public from happiness and appreciation because of it, and everyone thought that I had just experienced a breakup. FML
Today, I live in a tiny apartment with my two children, post-divorce. My mother-in-law thought the best thing to do would be to come in while I was at work and fill every single surface, including my tiny kitchen, with toys. Huge toys, toys with tiny pieces, and lots that make noise. FML
Today, I pretended to not be able to go out with a friend so I could hang with my boyfriend at the movies. When I sat down, I received a text that said, "Turn around." It was her. FML
Today, the tenants I kicked out of the house I just bought took the entire garden and flowers with them. I was already listing the place as a rental with a "backyard oasis" and now it's nothing but dirt. The courts refuse to help me. FML
Today, my manager asked me to escort a VIP and make a fuss over her. Two hours I waited, calling my manager every 10 minutes to check in. He eventually told me he got the date wrong, she’s not coming until Thursday. He then docked my pay for the two hours I was “stood around doing nothing.” FML
Today, I've been waiting months for the release of the new Zelda game that I've waited YEARS for them to make. Go figure, I'm approaching 40, have committed to a fuck-ton of adult obligations, and now won't have any time to actually sit down and play it when it finally comes out. I don't even have kids! FML
Today, I met my new neighbor. His Wi-Fi access point is named "TheRapistDownstairs." FML
Today, my parents are being investigated because they beat my brother with a belt. He deserved it for getting drunk the night before we were supposed to go on a vacation, but nobody cares about that. I'm scared I might get taken away. FML
Today, I am in a relationship. I recently got out of a decade-long relationship and was looking forward to dating, looking around, and meeting new people. I managed 3 weeks on the apps before I had to choose one of those I met, or lose them all. I guess it's good to meet 3 great women in a short time, but… FML
Today, I got my period for the first time in two months. I got massive gender dysphoria and contemplated jumping off a bridge. I went to something very important and upon sitting up, I let out a massive fart and started bleeding heavier. FML
Today, my family told me I'm going to have to sit at the kids' table at Thanksgiving, even though I'm 34 years-old with a career, wife, and four amazing stepsons. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me he's been having doubts, but he still wants to stay with me. I asked him why he'd been so nervous about us and he replied, "I don't know, just thinking about a future with you makes me feel nauseous." We've been together over two years now. FML
Today, I asked a guy what the girl who I'm crushing on thought of me. He said, "She thinks you're harmless." I was thrilled and said, "Yes!" He then said, "Dude, that's not a good thing, like, at all, unless you wanna go shopping with her and hear about the guys she fucks." FML
Today, I'm a third-year college student. Between classes Monday-Thursday and a part-time job from Friday-Sunday, checking my work schedule for November has revealed that I do not have ONE SINGLE DAY OFF IN NOVEMBER. Literally in classes 4 days a week, working the other 3. I'm actually going to die. FML
Today, I'm on the J train in Brooklyn NY and we are dead-stop in the middle of the track between stations because someone is literally on the track ahead of us. NYPD is handling it, and the train conductor said, “We hope to be moving ‘eventually’…” I love NYC. FML
Today, after months of living on five dollars a day for food in college, I found out my parents bought me an expensive meal plan and forgot to mention it. FML
Today, the daughter of a patient called me, again, on my direct line after I repeatedly told her she had to go through the secretary for non-urgent matters. She said, "OMG, are you serious?" and hung up on me mid-sentence while I was talking about her father. FML
Today, I asked my adoptive parents to put me back in foster care because now that my adoptive mother is pregnant, I know that they won't love or need me anymore. Not only did they say no, but they yelled and screamed at me the whole day, and grounded me until New Year's. FML
Today, my boyfriend proposed to me at his own sister's funeral. Not only did I say no, but I'm seriously rethinking our relationship. FML
Today, my poor wife injured her back so severely she can no longer stand or pull up her pants by herself. I've been helping her as much as possible, but she wants to do everything herself, which I get. That was, until she started her period. So much blood… FML
Today, I learned why my boyfriend of 10 months and I never hang out at his place. He still lives at home with his mother. He's 38. FML
Today, I'm on day 5 of recovering from minimally invasive spinal surgery. Before this I was in so much pain due to a bulging disk squeezing my spine, I could barely walk across the street. The good news is I can finally stand up straight; the bad news is that immediately after the surgery was done, my right foot went completely numb. FML
Today, I'm right now walking out of the ER. My brother-in-law thought it was funny to chop down my receding hair while I was asleep. I woke up to the buzzing sound and the first thing I did was to instinctively knock him out cold. My sis just told me, "You're lucky nobody called the cops on you." FML
Today, I got reached out to by an old flame who, in her words, “wants to fuck the life out of me again.” We’re both engaged to new people and have kids. The hardest part? She looks even better now than ever, and I’m a fat hairy slob. FML
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