Today, while still on a month of bed rest from a recent surgery, I started developing a fever from a booster shot. FML
Today, my work department set a new sales record, something not done in nearly 30 years. It's corporate policy to give a bonus to each worker responsible as a reward. Our manager decided our "bonuses" would be plastic medals from Dollar Tree. He didn't even buy enough for everybody. FML
Today, my boyfriend was arrested and might go to prison because he shot the guy who tried to kidnap his dog. FML
Today, my husband will not stop fighting our divorce, even though he came out as gay. He insists that we can still be married and a family, and that I'm giving up. FML
Today, I know people at work dislike me. I can tell. I want to quit like my other coworker but I can't yet. Perhaps they'll fire me in the future. FML
Today, I walked in on my sister and a few of my roommates planning a surprise party for a fellow roommate whose birthday is a week away. My birthday was yesterday. No one remembered. Not even my own sister. FML
Today, my ex-fiancee found out that I didn't cheat on her, but said that we can't get back together because too much time has gone by and there's too much of a divide between us. I keep begging and pleading and crying and everything but she won't listen. FML
Today, I admitted to my fiance that I'm glad I had a miscarriage. He kicked me out and called off our wedding. FML
Today, I was informed that my school doesn't allow us to log onto our school accounts on a separate device, but I literally bought a whole entire MacBook for school, only to be given this news. This isn't normal of any other schools, so I don't know why my school is like this. FML
Today, my wife took herself, the kids, and extended family members I've never even heard of to New York. She paid the $7,000 bill with my credit card. FML
Today, my mom gave me a severe scolding because I refuse to support my 3 sisters, and support 3 "home-wreckers" instead. They are my daughters, who are 3, 5, and 7 years-old. My sisters are 25, 28, and 31 years-old, and won't get jobs because they are "too important". FML
Today, I wanted to go visit my mom, only to find out that she's still married to the same overprotective controlling prick who tried to make me drop out of my senior year of high school because of the Sandy Hook shooting. FML
Today, my right arm was broken preventing a woman being hit by a van speeding through a zebra crossing. One of my eyes is also swollen shut from where she kicked me in the face as I was on the ground, for “grabbing her boob”. Stupid ungrateful bitch. FML
Today, I had to take a doctor’s note to my son’s school for his extended absence due to surgery. The woman in the office was being rude so I gave a sarcastic reply about him being carried off by gnomes. That afternoon she sent sheriffs to my house to do a welfare check. FML
Today, I realized that a classmate and I have the same glasses. To prove it, I tried bending his glasses, since mine are flexible and can bend. I snapped his glasses in half. FML
Today, I realized that my dogs have been hosing my tomatoes with pee every time they go out. Not just the plants, the tomatoes I'd been eating all summer. FML
Today, my boyfriend zoned out and stopped listening while I was trying to talk to him about his zoning out not listening to me. He insists I absolutely never told him today was my uncle's funeral, swears blind I never told him, even though the reason he booked today off work was for the funeral. FML
Today, the guy I’ve been seeing for a couple of months told me he’s now comfortable enough to let me meet his son. His two week-old son to be exact. Call me crazy but I think a pregnant ex is something a person should be told about. FML
Today, I realized that my Twitter profile was very public when my business professor made fun of student tweets in class. My tweet went, "Totally bullshitting this business report" about the report I'd just handed in, worth a large portion of my grade. FML
Today, I found out that my dad has a massive number of kids he doesn't know about, some of them have hooked up, and it is a serious possibility that I've slept with one of my half-sisters unintentionally. FML
Today, I've had a situation that's been going on for over three years now. A guy that I loved, that I created a company for, still doesn't see me. He still doesn't respect me. But he won't let me go. I want to go. For the field of work we do, I'm an expert. I gave it my all for his success. I'm just done and I want to go. FML
Today, I asked my husband if he could please get the kids up and ready for school, since I’d been up all night with the stomach flu from hell. He said no, that he was too tired because my getting up all night kept him awake. I’m so weak from dehydration and exhaustion I can barely move. FML
Today, I started my new job. I went to microwave food, only to discover roaches and ants crawling out of it. Now I am grossed out but still hungry. FML
Today, I discovered that I've lost thirty pounds since having my second child. However, I still weigh just as much as I did when I was full-term with my first child. FML
Today, my girlfriend tried to forbid me from going to see my new baby cousin at the hospital. She’s convinced that I’m secretly trying to go see some nonexistent love child with another woman. When I asked her to come with me, my aunt said no because she hates my girlfriend’s attitude. FML
Today, I finally confronted my mom for robbing me of my inheritance from my dad. Apparently she was justified in taking it because she "needed it to raise me" and "to keep a roof over our heads" as I was growing up. As a result, I'm an adult with no nest egg whatsoever. FML
Today, I left the sliding glass door to our townhouse open because it was such a beautiful day. Our new puppy, whom we have been potty training, peed in the yard and I praised him relentlessly. He then walked inside the house, pooped on the carpet, and ran back outside. FML
Today, I got pregnant even though I was on birth control. The father is nowhere to be found and I don’t even know his last name. My parents kicked me out of the house because apparently, “I’m an adult, so make adult choices.” I’m too scared to get an abortion. I’m at my wits' end. All due to failed birth control. FML
Today, I saw the allergist, suspecting a shellfish allergy. I’m allergic to corn, peanuts, oranges, oats, perch, and salmon, but not shellfish. I have a freezer full of food I bought yesterday that I can’t eat. FML
Today, despite feeling rubbish due to chronic illness, I got up and dressed for uni. When I got to the train station, I decided to sit on the closest bench to wait. It would’ve been nice if I’d seen the bright blue chewing gum some feral child had left behind before my butt found it. FML
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