The best jokes about life

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years came out as gay. I guess I know now why sex was infrequent and made me feel like he wasn't attracted to me. FML

By Anonymous - 26/7/2021 13:59 - Australia

Soul searching

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Today, a stranger asked to borrow my phone since his had died. As he was using it, he kept walking away and I had to chase him because he was walking too far. He turned around, yelled, "Stop following me, asshole!" and punched me, knocking me out cold. When I came to, I realized the fucker stole my phone. FML

By RoyBoy - 26/7/2021 18:01

Stunlocked

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Today, while fishing my remote out from behind the couch, I found my fiancé's stash of old toenails. FML

By jjhach - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - Canada - Aldouane

Neat and tidy

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Today, after seven months of job-searching, I got another rejection. This is after a breakup, a job loss, the deaths of my grandfather and best friend, tax issues, 3 years of dealing with a severe phobia, family issues, and a pandemic. Plus, now I can't buy the flat I fell in love with. Someone up there hates me. FML

By BrokeAndLonely - 26/7/2021 15:01 - United Kingdom - Taunton

A lot on my plate

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Today, I was putting on my sweatpants and accidentally stepped on the elastic drawstring. I moved my foot. The string snapped upward with great speed and hit me in my open eye. My eyeball is not happy with me. FML

By Anonymous - 26/7/2021 14:01

Headshot

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Today, I realized I'm extremely sexually attracted to my physical therapist. It doesn't help that treatment involves me spending the entire appointment naked from the waist down. FML

By Anonymous - 26/7/2021 11:01

Attraction

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Today, my boyfriend, and father of my son, announced that he’s leaving me for my best friend. His reasoning is that he feels bad that she’s a single mom. When I pointed out that by him leaving me, I’ll also be a single mom, he responded with, "But at least she has her pre-pregnancy body back." FML

By ConfusedAsf - 26/7/2021 08:03

How I met your step-father

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Today, I found out that yet another woman I was interested in is nothing but a addict. All the women I've tried to date for 3 years now have turned out to be fucked up in some major way. Why can't I just find a non-loser for a girlfriend? FML

By Charlie Given - 26/7/2021 01:53 - Canada - Ottawa

So compassionate

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Holy shit I can't believe my FML got published thank you. I've been actively dating for about 3 years now, but it has been over 8 years since I've been intimate with a woman. Not that I haven't been trying but health issues with my child and I have have made it difficult sometimes to date. But some of the biggest issues have been finding someone who can look pass the fact that I'm a single dad with...

Charlie Given tells us more :

By Debate bros STFU - 26/7/2021 06:01

Gotta get that clout

Today, my live-in boyfriend spent yet another evening trying to bait Twitch streamers into a debate about stuff he barely understands. He's obsessed with "growing his audience", and I'm getting tired of his bullshit. FML

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Today, I realized that this is it. We are here for the blink of an eye, then dead. What if God doesn’t exist, then nothing has any meaning. I’ve been almost frozen in terror at this thought for three days. FML

By fatherof4 - 26/7/2021 04:01

It's just a ride

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Today, I got some ingredients ready for a stew in the slow cooker, planning to turn it on when I left for work. Well, my dumb, un-caffeinated ass turned it on, but put it on high instead of low. For 13 hours. It was completely charcoal by the time I got home. FML

By Anonymous - 25/7/2021 18:01 - Canada - Calgary

Burning down the house

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Today, after arriving, I was told that there will be mandatory drug tests for everybody at my work. Yesterday, I did joints at a friend's party, as it was her birthday. I'm fucked. FML

By Anonymous - 25/7/2021 15:01 - Mexico - Mexico

Legalize it

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Today, we inherited a house from my grandma in a homeowners association. My husband told the HOA president he's looking forward to defying the rules and annoying the rich snobs on this street who made grandma miserable by complaining about the state of her house while she was dying. FUCK THEM. FML

By Anonymous - 25/7/2021 20:01

Revenge strikes again

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Today, I found out I have syphilis. I only slept with one person in my entire life, my boyfriend of 2 years. When I told him about it, he burst into tears and said, "It was one time at a company party" and "Maybe if you put some Vagisil or something, it will go away." Seriously? FML

By Whatdoido - 25/7/2021 18:01

Catchy

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Today, I found a pamphlet for alcohol counseling on my front door today. I think it was from the guys who pick up my recycling. FML

By I get the hint - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff

Boozehound

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Today, I had to call the cops on my neighbor. I was heading off to work when I saw him actually shitting in our yard. The reason? They caught my dumbass rebel of a son on their security camera, shitting in their yard. FML

By shitty neighbor - 25/7/2021 10:01 - United States

Vengeance is mine

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Today, I found out why my girlfriend has been angry with me ever since I moved in with her. Apparently, she is pissed that I taught her cat how to play fetch and keep treating him like a dog. FML

By Flash - 25/7/2021 17:31 - India - Bangalore

Anger issues

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Today, I found out that my mom found a paper with my long lost username and password to an old crypto wallet with 17 bitcoins. She'd thrown it in the garbage bin before realising what it was. The bin was empty when I went running to check it. FML

By Anonymous - 25/7/2021 10:59

Gambled and lost

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Today, I lied to a group of 8 year-olds about having a boyfriend. FML

By jennavankirk - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

You won't know him, he goes to a different school

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Today, I told my long-distance boyfriend that I'd like to throw my legs over my head and have him cram his dick deep inside me. He told me to order a pizza, "It'd be more fun." FML

By Hystcheria - 25/7/2021 02:01 - United States - Fredericksburg

Denied!

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Today, I found out one of my exes is trans. I’m very happy for her, but I’m starting to think I have the wrong type, as I have had 3 ex-boyfriends come out as gay and 3 come out at trans right after breaking up. I really hope my current boyfriend doesn’t have a secret. FML

By IHaveATypeAparently - 25/7/2021 06:01

Cursed

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Today, my mom went to my dad's funeral as the Grim Reaper. Apparently, because they were both massive Terry Pratchett fans, they'd agreed whoever outlived the other had to go to the funeral as Death. No one else found it funny and more than a few swore to never speak to her again. FML

By Anonymous - 25/7/2021 04:01

A promise is a promise

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Today, my baby kept me up all night, and I only got 3 hours sleep. Normal, right? He's not even born yet and I'm only 5 months along. FML

By Mum2be - 25/7/2021 02:01

Bumpy ride

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Today, after months of dealing with homophobic abuse for my coworkers and supervisors at my previous job, I was excited to start my new job where most of my co-workers were LGBTQ. I find out a majority of them don't like me because my fiancé is a deputy sheriff. FML

By Anonymous - 25/7/2021 00:01

Out of the frying pan…

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Today, I visited my brother, and noticed that my 17 year-old nephew was being unusually cold and grumpy; a sign that he's having sensory overload. Because his parents are so loud, I knew they were responsible. When I confronted them, they responded by yelling at me and grounding him. Sorry, nephew, I tried. FML

By Anonymous - 24/7/2021 15:01 - United States - Steele

Sensory overload

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Today, I brought my new girlfriend home. My overprotective sister got into her face and started the whole, "if you hurt him, I’ll kick your ass" speech. My girlfriend responded by whooping my sister’s ass up and down our driveway. It took both me and my mom to pull her off. FML

By aaaaaaaand I’m single - 24/7/2021 11:00 - United States

That weird family down the street

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Today, I’m down to my last, partially snapped cigarette. I carefully taped it back together, enough for at least half a smoke. I then snapped it completely while opening the door to go outside and smoke it. FML

By Anonymous - 24/7/2021 18:01

Holy smokes

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Today, I checked this site to find out that my previous submission had made it onto the main page. This has been the sole highlight in my life for the past month. FML

By Depresso - 24/7/2021 16:01

FML brings solace

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Today, my coworker made up a story about me “sexually harassing” her and filed a complaint to my boss. All because I took the last plastic spoon from the breakroom, and she couldn’t eat her yogurt. FML

By Doomed - 24/7/2021 08:02 - United States

Revenge is sweet yogurt

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