All the FMLs

Sound off

By Nina - 20/05/2022 12:00

Today, before third period I went to the restroom and tried to take a sexy Snapchat video to surprise my boyfriend. My video was ruined thanks to some slob in the next stall taking the loudest most explosive dump I've ever heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18

You deserved it 233

The 5%

By Anonymous - 20/05/2022 10:00

Today, my office has decided to make our working from home a permanent thing for 95% of our staff so they can rent a much smaller office space. Guess who’s one of the 5% who has to drag himself out of bed, just to be a warm body at the office in case something comes up requiring a man on site… FML

I agree, your life sucks 145

You deserved it 16

Childlike

By Noname - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, they were handing out free razors in the mall. I went up to get my free sample, but the woman just smiled and said, "Sorry honey, they're sharp, and not for children." I'm 25. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 652

You deserved it 2 852

Judge and jury

By Anonymous - 20/05/2022 06:00

Today, I turned 18 and I’m now subject to adult discipline. My dad says I will no longer be grounded or have my phone taken away, but I have three strikes and if I get to three, he’s throwing me out to get my own house. He then gave me my first strike because I was 30 minutes late picking up my nana. FML

I agree, your life sucks 218

You deserved it 135

Gastropod scandal

By Anonymous - 20/05/2022 04:00

Today, one of my aquatic snails banged my other aquatic snail til they both died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 294

You deserved it 44

Be honest

By Anonymous - 20/05/2022 02:00

Today, I've been dating a girl for about a year. After about 5 months, her mom kicked her out so I had her move in with me. She’s super sweet and nice, but we aren’t intellectually compatible, and have wildly different interests. My best friend is everything she isn’t. I'm starting to crush on my friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 147

You deserved it 371

I can't win

By Benjamin - 20/05/2022 00:00

Today, if I try to hurry my wife out of the house before she's ready, she yells at me and we end up not going out, and yet if I leave her to get ready for as long as she needs we are ALWAYS late for our reservation, so we lose the table and she yells at me for not telling her how late we are. FML

I agree, your life sucks 526

You deserved it 76

My body is ruining my life

By Anonymous - 19/05/2022 22:00

Today, I have six exams next week, and as of this morning, I also have appendicitis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 505

You deserved it 32

Raise the mood

By leelee50 - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my on-and-off boyfriend of 8 years asked me to cheer him up. I told him that I'm in love with him. He said, "Oh, I just wanted a blowjob." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 497

You deserved it 9 702

Tonight, on First Dates…

By Single&Broke - 19/05/2022 17:00 - United Kingdom - Swansea

Today, a guy invited me to a first date at a new restaurant. I was going to pay my way, but when he saw how steep the bill was, he insisted that I pay for his meal too, to prove I'm a "real feminist". FML

I agree, your life sucks 688

You deserved it 128

Mama Bear

By Ally - 19/05/2022 16:00

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents. We've been dating for almost 5 months and are extremely in love. His mom basically said to me, "I want what’s best for my son and you aren’t it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 612

You deserved it 71

Not helping

By Anonymous - 19/05/2022 14:00

Today, I wanted to be alone for once, so I went out for dinner, planning to go to the cinema afterwards. My sister ambushed me at the restaurant because she’d heard I was stressed out and wanted to be alone, so she thought she should keep me company while I was alone to make me feel better. FML

I agree, your life sucks 665

You deserved it 67

Boozehound

By Anonymous - 19/05/2022 12:00

Today, it's currently 10:30am on a Thursday and my husband is already so drunk from his several “hair of the dogs” to cure his hangover from last night that he has passed out on the toilet. I had to lie to his boss that he has food poisoning just so he wouldn’t sack him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 635

You deserved it 95

I never thought this happened in real life

By Keith - 19/05/2022 10:00

Today, and since we met, my girlfriend has forced me to change my hair, clothing and jewellery, and my diet. She has changed basically everything about me. Then this morning she dumped me because I'm "not the guy she fell in love with a year ago". I'm not even upset because its too funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 666

You deserved it 184

Morning glory

By aqua88 - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Malaysia

Today, I found out that our water tank has had a dead crow rotting in it for days. I took showers and brushed my teeth with dead crow soup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 523

You deserved it 3 317

Outsmarted

By Anonymous - 19/05/2022 06:00

Today, I'm an adjudicator for our school's debate team, collectively I have over 20 years experience both as a debater and as an adjudicator, and yet I have no idea how my daughter manages to convince me she deserves an extra dessert and to stay up an hour past bedtime every single day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 187

You deserved it 702

Wake up Boo!

By what a dumbass - 19/05/2022 04:00

Today, my idiot roommate finally realized that a girl who follows you everywhere like a puppy, always wants to talk to you, and "accidentally" sends nudes is into you. Unfortunately, she's since moved on from him. Now I get to listen to him whine about how unfair it all is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 941

You deserved it 82

Bad timing

By Anonymous - 19/05/2022 02:00

Today, on the first occasion I've seen my boss since her brief leave, I brought up how I got to hear all our customers' heartwarming plans for their moms on Mother's Day. Her mother just died. That's why she was on leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 586

You deserved it 182

Legally binding

By Anonymous - 19/05/2022 00:01

Today, I realized I have to finish a huge project for my ex-boss, or risk getting sued. I quit because he told me he’s refusing to pay me, and he doesn’t support me going back to school to get my dream degree. FML

I agree, your life sucks 629

You deserved it 97

Modern life is rubbish

By Anonymous - 18/05/2022 22:00

Today, despite the fact of learning I'm now over 300 pounds, causing a major blow to my self-esteem, I tried to be sexy and asked my husband if he wanted a blowjob. Unfortunately, he's trying out new mental meds and they've killed his sex drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 617

You deserved it 305

Higher than the sun

By Bad Dad - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I caught my 15-year-old son trying to roll catnip into a joint and smoke it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 774

You deserved it 5 034

Traditions suck

By Anonymous - 19/05/2022 02:00 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I'm 21 and my parents expect me to get married before moving in with my boyfriend. We want to move overseas for our careers before marrying, but my parents think that “if that’s how things are going to be, then it’s best you break up. You need to uphold to our traditions.” I don't know what to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 780

You deserved it 160

Ring of fire

By Anonymous - 18/05/2022 16:00 - South Africa

Today, I had bad diarrhea. I went to the toilet seven times while my cousins came to spend time with me. I spent more time in the toilet than I did with them. Once they'd left, I went to the toilet for what would be the eighth time in a couple of hours. I now can no longer feel my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 671

You deserved it 71

Quandary

By Anonymous - 18/05/2022 12:00

Today, my nana died today of a heart attack in her sleep. I’ll never know if there was something I could have done, because while it was happening I was upstairs with a dildo, as it’s been a month since I had sex and I had the urge. I feel so selfish and ashamed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 030

You deserved it 181

Boys will be boys

By Anonymous - 18/05/2022 10:00

Today, thanks to my son's inability to keep his trap shut, and natural ability to piss everybody off, our landlord is now not renewing our lease at the end of the month, and went out of his way to let me know it is all my son's fault, and he can’t wait to personally kick us both into the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks 641

You deserved it 369

I’m going on an adventure!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, it turns out that my hairy feet are the most memorable part about me. My family has nicknamed me "The Hobbit". FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 661

You deserved it 4 346

Share it with us

By Jay - 18/05/2022 06:00

Today, I always thought that my dad never believed in me, but hearing him say it for the first time at 30 was the catalyst for some really hard self-reflection. The fact that I usually bounce all my ideas off him is the hardest to accept. Now who do I share with? FML

I agree, your life sucks 662

You deserved it 111

Not my fault

By Anonymous - 18/05/2022 04:00

Today, it was my first day as a server at Olive Garden and a customer walked out without paying. It was the new manager's first day too, and he decided to write me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 768

You deserved it 66

The next day hangover

By CantHandleAlcohol - 17/05/2022 18:00 - United States - Loveland

Today, I got drunk enough to do cartwheels at a company party. In a dress. I work in HR, can’t land a cartwheel, or handle my alcohol. FML

I agree, your life sucks 187

You deserved it 1 108

Don't stare

By Anonymous - 18/05/2022 01:00 - Ethiopia

Today, after I spaced out for 3 minutes, the guy in front of me asked if I was interested in him. I replied that I'm not gay. It turns out "he" was a woman, not a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 612

You deserved it 245

Nearly

Today, I was beaten up for being Russian and therefore “supporting the war.” I do not support the war in the Ukraine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 200

You deserved it 29

Today, I called the Suicide Hotline. They greeted me by name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 189

You deserved it 36

Spicy

Today, one of my aquatic snails banged my other aquatic snail til they both died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 294

You deserved it 44

I agree, your life sucks 617

You deserved it 305