Your everyday life stories

108

Today, as I searched for food to take to work for lunch, I noticed that the only recent addition to our fridge is chocolate milk and popsicles. My mom went grocery shopping yesterday. FML

By hungry - 22/10/2019 04:00 - Canada - Halifax

Parenting gone feral

222

Today, my Twitter got hacked, and I can't get it back. Everyone now thinks I live in a trailer and have multiple STDs. FML

By haaaye - 22/10/2019 02:00 - United States

Sounds cosy

340

Today, while walking down the street, I was violently beaten up by a man in a Darth Vader outfit. FML

By Anonymous - 22/10/2019 00:01

Halloween has started early

464

Today, while at a party, my boyfriend threw a temper tantrum. He screamed at me and then gave me the silent treatment. All because I said, "No thank you" to the crab dip he got for me. I'm allergic to shellfish, we've been dating for two years and it's come up before. FML

By Mary - 21/10/2019 22:00 - United States

He's trying to kill you!

633

Today, my ex threatened to not return my things that she still has. She even went on to say she will burn them, because she hates me and I "broke her heart". Not only has it been over half a year since we broke up, but she was the one who broke up with me. FML

By wowie - 21/10/2019 20:00

Rebel without a cause.

650

Today, I took in an old friend’s fat cat for a month until she finds a place to live. Turns out the cat isn’t fat, just pregnant. I found out when I found two of her dead kittens in my living room. FML

By Anonymous - 21/10/2019 18:00

Spay and neuter, people!

766

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend for the first time, he told me he wanted to break up. He told me my orgasm face wasn't something he could put up with. FML

By stephhh055 - 21/10/2019 16:00 - United States - Portland

Valid reason

889

Today, I'm going to a cocktail event, except my dress is wrinkled and can't be ironed, so I got my steam cleaner from storage. I saw what looked like mold inside the water container. Turns out a mouse had got into the water container, drowned and started to decompose. My apartment now smells like death and my dress is still wrinkled. FML

By Anonymous - 21/10/2019 14:00

Alas, poor Mickey

563

Today, I decided to face my fears and go on my first upside-down ride. Unfortunately for me, the two men in front of me had chosen to eat before the ride and I walked off with bits of strawberry and bacon in my hair, my clothes drenched in whitish fluid, not to mention the stench. FML

By bobra - 21/10/2019 12:00

Helter Skelter

953

Today, my mother decided to cook dinner for us and used rice that she had in her cupboard. While helping out, I stirred the dish and noticed black flecks. Turns out they were rice weevils. She tried to convince me it was "burnt garlic" and served it to the rest of the family. FML

By sunitgir - 21/10/2019 06:00

Gordon Ramsey is furious

955

Today, I was having really great sex with my boyfriend. I was on top and he seemed like he was really enjoying it. Then, I realized he'd fallen asleep. FML

By sarabellekitty - 21/10/2019 04:00

Relaxed

955

158

Today, my husband told me doesn't really love me. He only married me because we had a daughter, and his grandmother told him he had to so she wouldn't be "an abomination to God." FML

By dazzla08 - 21/10/2019 02:00 - United States

Fundies say the darndest things

1094

Today, there was a gas leak at work. We called the fire department, who advised us to evacuate the building. We called our manager to let her know, and her response was "Oh, don’t do that." My boss would rather let us die of carbon monoxide exposure than lose out on 3 hours of work. FML

By Anonymous - 21/10/2019 00:01

Seize the means of production!

1109

Today, it will be the third time since moving to this area that I will have to call out of work because of gunshots heard nearby, police looking for someone and advising us to stay indoors. FML

By ChiefKoala - 20/10/2019 22:00

This is America

1061

103

Today, I replaced the fog lights on my car and completely filled my gas tank. $50+ later, the transmission decided it wanted to go out. FML

By Anonymous - 20/10/2019 20:00

On yer bike

979

By Mystic Alan - 20/10/2019 18:00

FML's Weekly Horoscope - 20th of October 2019

Find out what embarrassing stuff the dumbass stars and planets have in store for you this week!

Today, I was half asleep when my cat came over to cuddle. I was petting her in the dark when I felt what I thought was a patch of matted fur under her neck, as if she had been injured and bleeding. Alarmed, I felt for that spot again and found myself holding her tail. What I'd felt was in fact my cat's anus. FML

By Kahlilah Kilgore - 20/10/2019 16:00

Touching story

885

403

Today, I got mugged. For an actual mug. FML

By irony, huh? - 20/10/2019 14:00

Alexa, play "Ironic" by Alanis Morrissette

941

Today, I told my family how my wrist has been hurting for almost a week. My aunt’s chiropractor boyfriend then decided he could help by suddenly pulling my hand as hard as he could. Not only did my wrist pop and cause me more pain, but my shoulder got dislocated. FML

By Paulie89 - 20/10/2019 12:00

Bullshit quack chiropractor on the loose!

1298

Today, my boyfriend and I tried to have sex. Foreplay was amazing, but as soon as he started to get it in, he lost his erection because he was too nervous. He's a 30-year-old virgin and this has happened at least 10 times. FML

By needsomelove - 20/10/2019 06:00 - France

Running gag

1382

191

Today, I got yelled at all day at work, only to come home and get yelled at by my husband. FML

By Sierra Madre - 20/10/2019 04:00

Time for an intervention

1252

113

Today, a senior girl in my college-level biology course asked our professor what periods are like when you’re pregnant. FML

By Anonymous - 20/10/2019 02:00

Sex Ed has failed a lot of people

1148

115

Today, I was woken up at 2 in the morning by my wife frantically saying something about her having scabies, and that I had to take her to the ER. It turned out to be eczema. FML

By Jason Brazil - 20/10/2019 00:01

Hypochondriacs of the world unite!

1079

Today, I visited my old job to pick up some paperwork. Since leaving over a year ago, I’ve lost over 60lbs, but I’m currently 6 months pregnant. Not a single person believed that I'm pregnant. FML

By nix1993 - 19/10/2019 21:00 - United Kingdom - Chorley

My Humps

1163

140

Today, my mom told me my aunt was coming over. I told her I might have to work, and would be sad to miss her. My mom said, "Or, you know, if you're not there, it might be nice." FML

By Anonymous - 19/10/2019 20:00

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

1049

103

Today, I had a bad and very unenthusiastic one night stand and tried to quietly order an Uber while she was getting dressed. Turns out, she's an Uber driver and being as she was in the area, the alert came over her phone. She was furious. FML

By Anonymous - 19/10/2019 18:00

Baby, You Can Drive My Car

1240

626

Today, my boyfriend accused me of not coming home at all last week. The truth is, I was up and gone to work before him every morning, and I was home after he went to bed. He didn’t even bother talking to me or asking where I was last week, we both work 24/7 on-call jobs, and he knows this happens sometimes. FML

By Anonymous - 19/10/2019 16:00

On call

1239

110

Today, my friend reminded me that I have been on a ton of dates lately, but couldn't get a girlfriend because I thought something was off with them all. He also reminded me that I have dated every zodiac sign, meaning I'm out of options. FML

By Anonymous - 19/10/2019 14:00

Astrology is bullshit, get better friends

858

423

Today, my country went on strike and is overthrowing the government, and I'm stuck on a night shift at work. FML

By Balphleair - 19/10/2019 13:00 - Lebanon - Saida

Fight the power!

1086