The best jokes about life

Today, my girlfriend gets horny at the most inconvenient times. She woke me up to have sex at 2 a.m. I have work at 6 a.m. FML

By nexus - 25/9/2021 09:59 - Papua New Guinea

Not now

121

Today, I discovered my 17 year-old daughter has an eating disorder. When I confronted her, she confessed that she’s doing it because she wants to stay thin, so that her boyfriend doesn’t dump her like her father dumped me for not being thin enough. FML

By Laren - 24/9/2021 23:00

Generational trauma

301

Today, I sent my resumé to a former coworker to get some pointers, except that I sent it to his old work email account and now my boss knows I’m looking for a new job. FML

By hate my job - 24/9/2021 20:00

Slipped up

134

327

Today, I went to a White Sox game, and tried to purchase some pizza. There was a huge line behind me, and as soon as I got the pizza, the lady at the register told me that my card was declined. I tried 3 more times and still declined. Turns out Geico charged me twice on my insurance. FML

By Steve - 24/9/2021 17:01

Come on, man

442

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I have a "drinking problem". She says I don't drink enough. FML

By fmlTGOD - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Lightweight

37891

5708

Today, while grading my kindergarteners' spelling tests, one kid spelled all the words wrong, including his name. FML

By Anonymous - 24/9/2021 13:58

Hey! Teachers! Leave those kids alone!

398

Today, I'm in hell. I'm mentally and physically exhausted, but if I sleep more than 6 hours, I get crippling migraines. FML

By Anonymous - 24/9/2021 11:00

Decisions, decisions

474

Today, my self-esteem has gotten so low that when I was out walking my boss's dog and someone called out, "Beautiful!" I assumed they were talking about the dog. They had to clarify they were speaking about me. FML

By Whatever - 24/9/2021 08:00

Doggy dog world

507

Today, I was editing sound on a recording of a live music show. The woman who hired me said she wanted less reverb. I told her that this is how the recording was and I can't magically remove acoustic reverb from something recorded in a church. FML

By Piitaaraq Vaisanen - 24/9/2021 05:00

More cowbell

486

Today, my son is a real ass. My mother died and he literally only booked off half a day to attend his own grandmother's funeral, doesn’t plan to spend time with me after the burial, and since he booked it, all he has done is complain about the three meetings he’s going to miss that morning. FML

By Anonymous - 24/9/2021 02:00

Have kid they said, it'll be great they said

763

134

Today, I went to the dentist and she told me, "If you don't stop smoking, yellow teeth aren't the only thing you'll have to worry about." I don't even smoke. FML

By Anonymous - 23/9/2021 22:00 - United Kingdom

Worst teeth in the game

645

Today, despite both of us being vaccinated, my wife recently tested positive for Covid and now I'm showing symptoms. Neither my state or job offers any kind of financial support for Covid leave, so my options are infecting others or starving under a bridge. FML

By Anonymous - 23/9/2021 19:59

Stay safe, despite capitalism

761

128

Today, I woke up, had great sex, had a delicious breakfast, played with my kid and laid down for a nap… only to wake up in extreme pain, an ambulance ride, and now a doctor saying I need emergency surgery on my leaking gallbladder. FML

By Anonymous - 23/9/2021 17:00

Alexa, play "It was a Good Day" by Ice Cube

799

Today, I once again had to explain that my husband's vasectomy was because we really don't want children, and that, "but you can always adopt or try to undo the vasectomy" isn't an appropriate answer. FML

By IZK - 23/9/2021 14:00

Follow the lifescript or else

730

Today, I woke up with the nastiest, most brutal hangover ever. I haven't had alcohol in 10 years and I only eat healthy, yet my body craps itself out because… reasons. FML

By Anonymous - 23/9/2021 11:01

It's called growing old

590

Today, I found out that I need a hysterectomy. When I told my boyfriend of 2 years, he broke up with me, because he didn't have time to "coddle my feelings". FML

By Anonymous - 23/9/2021 11:00

Nice guy

822

Today, I found out I’m pregnant. This would be joyful news, if the father wasn’t my friend’s soon-to-be husband. I’m one of the bridesmaids at their wedding tomorrow. FML

By Liliannn - 23/9/2021 08:00

Oh, the sinning

116

2503

Today, my friend received a package I sent her by mail. The package was already ripped open on arrival, two out of the three blouses I sent her were missing and a limited edition glass cup I sent her with the apparel was smashed. FML

By Anonymous - 23/9/2021 04:59

Thanks UPSDHLFML

770

Today, I invited my best friend of 15 years to my birthday party. He wants to bring his girlfriend of a year along, because she feels "threatened" by our friendship, and thinks "He’ll cheat." I'd already put the deposit for the venue and it costs $50 per additional guest. FML

By Partypoooped - 23/9/2021 01:59

No plus ones

646

234

Today, my sister, who is now 19, gathered the guts to formally present her boyfriend to us. She was so concerned that my parents wouldn't let her have a boyfriend, she kept it a secret for 5 years. We were happy to hear it, until she presented him to us. He's a 35-year-old taxi driver. FML

By I don't care if it was consented or not, I'm gonna whoop the shit out of this child-molesting fuck. - 22/9/2021 23:00

Statutory

978

Today, I heard from my little nephews that in school, the father of one of their peers has his arms all covered in tattoos. Their grandpa told my nephews to stay away from people with tattoos, as they were likely criminals and wanting to kidnap children. He doesn't know I have a tattoo in my back. FML

By Jonny - 22/9/2021 20:01

Criminals

667

128

Today, I had a mandatory online meeting with a special work program early in the morning. Despite having insomnia for the past three weeks, I got up on time. No one has emailed me a meeting link, and no replies either. Now, I'm afraid I will lose what little "benefit" the government throws my way. FML

By Anonymous - 22/9/2021 15:59 - United Kingdom - London

Alexa, play "Jobseeker" by Sleaford Mods

689

Today, I brought home a vase, which I was proud of, that I made for my mother in my pottery class. My mother took one look at it and said, "Oh good, you can sell that in our garage sale." FML

By Allen - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Every day I'm hustlin'

47174

3229

Today, when asked for a second date, I had to explain to a man that I didn’t want to see him again, and that he should give women compliments and ask them questions when on a date. He then told me he only does that when his dates look good or say something interesting. He sure still tried to fuck me. FML

By slschmidt - 22/9/2021 14:00 - Germany - Hamburg

Some guys will hump anything

906

212

Today, I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes a couple of weeks ago. The upside is that the diabetic meds I've been prescribed help with weight loss. The takeaway? Diarrhea. Lots and lots of diarrhea. FML

By Isa - 22/9/2021 11:00

Silver-brown linings

679

Today, about a minute after telling my son not to pick his nose, he caught me picking mine. This has led to a cascade of, "Why should I follow dad's rules when even dad doesn’t follow dad rules?" He now questions everything I tell him, and is breaking every rule in the book to make his point. FML

By Anonymous - 22/9/2021 08:00

Goldmining

169

1131

Today, after I've been cleaning a hostel 7/7 for free accommodation for a few weeks, and the owner telling me 3 times to take a day off while he was able to do the job, I'm finally leaving. He's now (and only now) asking me to pay for the 3 nights I "didn't work for." FML

By Paf - 21/9/2021 19:59 - Canada - Whitehorse

Tight ass

736

Today, my stepfather refused to drive me to the hospital after having a toothpick that was left on the floor lodge itself and break off in the bottom of my foot. He's the only person in the house that uses toothpicks. FML

By floss can't skewer people - 22/9/2021 02:00

Best teeth in the game

837

Today, my father sent me a video via Whatsapp. In it, he was cheating on my mother. FML

By I'm a recurring amateur porn consumer but this is bollocks. - 21/9/2021 23:00

Butt-dial

881