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Today, my girlfriend and I went to the bank to get her new ATM card. As the bank teller gave her the card, he said that the PIN remained the same. Indignant, she cried out, "How do you possibly know my PIN code?" She's 27. FML

By deranged - / Wednesday 24 May 2017 13:16 / Ukraine - Pirogov

Today, I found out that the cute guy who sits in front of me in class and who keeps looking at me over his right shoulder is not interested in me as I had been led to believe. He has mild Tourrette's and his tick happens to be scratching his chin over his right shoulder. FML

By abjoro - / Wednesday 24 May 2017 04:40 /

Today, a man came into the library where I work with a bag. He told me the bag was full of bugs he found in and around his toilet, and demanded that I help identify them. He then added, "They might be parasites. They're all over the bathroom, but I got the toilet ones here." FML

By StillGagging - / Wednesday 24 May 2017 04:25 /

Today, I went to see my sister and took a couple of dog biscuits for her dog. I forgot about them until later when I realised I had a hole in my pocket, near my crotch. The dog pointed this out by chomping my balls to get to the biscuits. My attempts to remove him resulted in more vigorous chewing. FML

By chew toy - / Wednesday 24 May 2017 00:57 / United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, my boss held a meeting to talk to is about that we can't overlook others and no one should pick favorites. I walked out unemployed when I pointed out that she completely ignored the person who made the biggest sale in company history and constantly gave her son raises for mediocre work. FML

By Anonymous - / Wednesday 24 May 2017 01:24 /
World
Italy

Today, I've got a bad stomach ache, so my mother asked me ifI was on my period. I told her that no, in fact I haven't had it in three months. Now she won't speak to me because she's convinced that I have a secret boyfriend and am pregnant. I'm a lesbian. FML

By Anonymous - / Wednesday 10 May 2017 15:49 / Italy
FML - The follow-up

Today, I had to rush to the airport to catch a flight to California for my sisters wedding. On the way out, my room mate gave me his neck pillow for comfort. Turns out, the pillow was filled with weed, and I was arrested while going through security. I missed my sister's wedding. FML

Eashy Say more :
Haha this actually got posted! Hey guys I'm the OP and just want to fill in some extra information. So I woke up 20 minutes later then I wanted to, so I just rushed to get ready and get my carry-on items together, as my luggage was packed. I had no idea my roommate used or had drugs in our shared apartment, so I graciacly accepted the pillow for my flight. After going through Security, I was stopped...
By "Eashy" - / Tuesday 23 May 2017 13:11 /

Today, at 3:00 a.m. I couldn't sleep because of back pain. Don't you love it when you resort to lathering up in menthol pain-relieving creams on your neck and shoulders, only to roll to your side and get the residue on your pillow in your eyes? It's okay, I guess I didn't want to sleep tonight anyway. FML

By Anonymous - / Tuesday 23 May 2017 11:12 /
FML - The follow-up

Today, just like when I interviewed for the job, I know nothing about graphic design and I'm not interested in sales. I've just found out that my "project management" job I was hired for now has the job title "Graphic Sales." They changed it after I started 3 days ago. FML

PhoenixChick Say more :
OP here- the hilarious thing about them changing the job is that the new "Graphic Sales" job involved being the customer service desk for any customer having problems with their graphics files. There are two full time graphic designers, but they decided the gal who was hired to "make sure production is kept on track" is the one who should answer every single question regarding graphics and deisgn for...
By PhoenixChick - / Sunday 21 May 2017 23:08 /
FML - The follow-up

Today, I was woken up from a dead sleep because a bug had fallen into my ear. I could hear it moving around in there, and it took me an hour with a blade of grass in my ear to get it to climb its way back out. FML

ErinShannon Say more :
OP here, I freaked out the first few minutes and was like " DAD THERE IS A FUCKING BUG IN MY EAR WHAT DO I DO?!?! " and kept trying to dig it out. So I googled " what to do when a bug falls into you ear. " top suggestion was to not stick anything ( like fingers ) in there to get it out because you could push it further in and to get some grass so the bug can climb onto something it knows to escape....
By ErinShannon - / Monday 22 May 2017 03:47 /

Today, a customer yelled at me when his 9 cookies came to $5.78. He insisted that they were "3 for $1 yesterday," and told me to "shut the fuck up" when I tried to explain otherwise. I worked yesterday, and every other day for the past 3 months. They've never been 3 for $1. FML

By Anonymous - / Sunday 21 May 2017 19:24 / United States - Dallas

Today, I had what I thought would be an important (and formal) interview. Not only did I turn up completely overdressed, the man who was interviewing me arrived 30 minutes late. To top it all off, I was so distracted by his mysterious total lack of eyebrows that I forgot everything I had to say. FML

By EmbarrassedMess - / Sunday 21 May 2017 22:57 / United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, while on the bus, the girl in front of me asked me if I could find the orange she'd dropped. I couldn't see it, but when I told her that there was no orange there, she gave me the strangest look. She'd said ring, not orange. FML

By Deaf and Dumb - / Sunday 21 May 2017 23:40 /
FML - The follow-up

Today, I applied for a job and got called in for an interview. I lied on my resume stating that I speak Japanese fluently. Turns out, my potential employer is half-Japanese and wants to conduct the interview entirely in Japanese. FML

jmk10 Say more :
Op here, wow I didn't know this would actually get published. Yeah I know I shouldn't have lied but I should probably mention that I do know some Japanese (more conversational than fluent, probably enough to be able to assist a customer). I figured it would be okay. Lesson learned. As you can probably figure out, I didn't get the job though.
By unemployedliar - / Friday 19 May 2017 19:24 / United States - Aurora

Today, I was leaving work after a storm. They're building some new offices outside, so I had to walk on an uneven path near the construction zone. I came to a big puddle and tried to jump across to what I thought was a piece of asphalt. It was mud. I slipped and fell backwards into the puddle. FML

By VelociTheRaptor - / Sunday 21 May 2017 04:49 /
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