The best jokes about life

Today, after arriving, I was told that there will be mandatory drug tests for everybody at my work. Yesterday, I did joints at a friend's party, as it was her birthday. I'm fucked. FML

By Anonymous - 25/7/2021 15:01 - Mexico - Mexico

Legalize it

206

Today, we inherited a house from my grandma in a homeowners association. My husband told the HOA president he's looking forward to defying the rules and annoying the rich snobs on this street who made grandma miserable by complaining about the state of her house while she was dying. FUCK THEM. FML

By Anonymous - 25/7/2021 20:01

Revenge strikes again

235

Today, I found out I have syphilis. I only slept with one person in my entire life, my boyfriend of 2 years. When I told him about it, he burst into tears and said, "It was one time at a company party" and "Maybe if you put some Vagisil or something, it will go away." Seriously? FML

By Whatdoido - 25/7/2021 18:01

Catchy

435

Today, I found a pamphlet for alcohol counseling on my front door today. I think it was from the guys who pick up my recycling. FML

By I get the hint - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff

Boozehound

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Today, I had to call the cops on my neighbor. I was heading off to work when I saw him actually shitting in our yard. The reason? They caught my dumbass rebel of a son on their security camera, shitting in their yard. FML

By shitty neighbor - 25/7/2021 10:01 - United States

Vengeance is mine

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Today, I found out why my girlfriend has been angry with me ever since I moved in with her. Apparently, she is pissed that I taught her cat how to play fetch and keep treating him like a dog. FML

By Flash - 25/7/2021 17:31 - India - Bangalore

Anger issues

396

Today, I found out that my mom found a paper with my long lost username and password to an old crypto wallet with 17 bitcoins. She'd thrown it in the garbage bin before realising what it was. The bin was empty when I went running to check it. FML

By Anonymous - 25/7/2021 10:59

Gambled and lost

460

106

Today, I lied to a group of 8 year-olds about having a boyfriend. FML

By jennavankirk - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

You won't know him, he goes to a different school

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Today, I told my long-distance boyfriend that I'd like to throw my legs over my head and have him cram his dick deep inside me. He told me to order a pizza, "It'd be more fun." FML

By Hystcheria - 25/7/2021 02:01 - United States - Fredericksburg

Denied!

450

Today, I found out one of my exes is trans. I’m very happy for her, but I’m starting to think I have the wrong type, as I have had 3 ex-boyfriends come out as gay and 3 come out at trans right after breaking up. I really hope my current boyfriend doesn’t have a secret. FML

By IHaveATypeAparently - 25/7/2021 06:01

Cursed

473

Today, my mom went to my dad's funeral as the Grim Reaper. Apparently, because they were both massive Terry Pratchett fans, they'd agreed whoever outlived the other had to go to the funeral as Death. No one else found it funny and more than a few swore to never speak to her again. FML

By Anonymous - 25/7/2021 04:01

A promise is a promise

613

Today, my baby kept me up all night, and I only got 3 hours sleep. Normal, right? He's not even born yet and I'm only 5 months along. FML

By Mum2be - 25/7/2021 02:01

Bumpy ride

451

106

Today, after months of dealing with homophobic abuse for my coworkers and supervisors at my previous job, I was excited to start my new job where most of my co-workers were LGBTQ. I find out a majority of them don't like me because my fiancé is a deputy sheriff. FML

By Anonymous - 25/7/2021 00:01

Out of the frying pan…

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Today, I visited my brother, and noticed that my 17 year-old nephew was being unusually cold and grumpy; a sign that he's having sensory overload. Because his parents are so loud, I knew they were responsible. When I confronted them, they responded by yelling at me and grounding him. Sorry, nephew, I tried. FML

By Anonymous - 24/7/2021 15:01 - United States - Steele

Sensory overload

594

Today, I brought my new girlfriend home. My overprotective sister got into her face and started the whole, "if you hurt him, I’ll kick your ass" speech. My girlfriend responded by whooping my sister’s ass up and down our driveway. It took both me and my mom to pull her off. FML

By aaaaaaaand I’m single - 24/7/2021 11:00 - United States

That weird family down the street

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Today, I’m down to my last, partially snapped cigarette. I carefully taped it back together, enough for at least half a smoke. I then snapped it completely while opening the door to go outside and smoke it. FML

By Anonymous - 24/7/2021 18:01

Holy smokes

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790

Today, I checked this site to find out that my previous submission had made it onto the main page. This has been the sole highlight in my life for the past month. FML

By Depresso - 24/7/2021 16:01

FML brings solace

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127

Today, my coworker made up a story about me “sexually harassing” her and filed a complaint to my boss. All because I took the last plastic spoon from the breakroom, and she couldn’t eat her yogurt. FML

By Doomed - 24/7/2021 08:02 - United States

Revenge is sweet yogurt

751

Today, I found out that my crush had a girlfriend. The way I found it out? He hugged me from behind, calling her name and saying darling, etc. When I turned around in shock, he quickly backed away and said, "Sorry , I thought you were someone else." FML

By Anonymous - 24/7/2021 11:01

All shook up

641

Today, like every month, I'm able to tell when my period is going to come, down to the exact day. It becomes increasingly smelly, even before I've started, to the point where everyone around me can barely stand it. I can't do anything to get rid of the stench before it's actually started. FML

By Lunar-Spice - 24/7/2021 02:01 - United States - Midlothian

Febreze time of the month

935

Today, my son asked me if a video of a flame on a computer actually gives off heat like a fireplace. He was serious. He's 17 and inexplicably has straight A's. FML

By omnomnom - 24/7/2021 06:01

Inexplicable

621

Today, I got mugged at work. The sad thing is I'm a cop and was trying to catch the people who mugged me previously while off duty. FML

By chili - 24/7/2021 04:01

No one is safe

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215

Today, I was in the car with my mom taking the dog to the vet, when he peed on me. We were taking him there because he hadn't peed in three days. FML

By peetime - 24/7/2021 02:01 - United States

It's about time

663

Today, after 10 beers and a 1/3 of a bottle of Jack, I felt an undeniable urge to go rabbit hunting with lawn darts. FML

By Anonymous - 24/7/2021 00:01

Where is my mind?

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Today, I tripped over a dog and broke my elbow. I'm stuck dogsitting for the rest of the weekend and he won't stop jumping up at my broken arm. FML

By Imnotfromhere - 23/7/2021 22:01

Down!

639

Today, I had to ban my teenage son from taking his phone into the bathroom, not because he looks at porn, but because he’s so engrossed in the screen, he doesn’t aim while he pees all over the seat and sometimes the floor, without cleaning it up. He’s not incapable, just fucking lazy. FML

By Anonymous - 23/7/2021 19:59

Worst sniper ever

770

Today, after I applied for an IT position at work, and a coworker I’ve worked with for 3 years, who said she had no intention on applying, wished me luck and told me, "I hope you get it!" it's now a week later and it turns out she applied the next day, got the offer and accepted. I had to find out a week later from a different coworker. FML

By Anonymous - 23/7/2021 12:01 - United States

Backstabbers

831

Today, I was bored and horny. I figured, what the hell, and downloaded an adult visual novel. Five hours later, I was heartbroken and couldn't stop crying. FML

By Anonymous - 23/7/2021 15:59

Cathartic

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Today, I accidentally used wood stain instead of hairspray. Surprisingly, it doesn't come out that easily. FML

By Vicki - 23/7/2021 14:03 - Canada

Nice sheen

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