Today, my agent sent me an e-mail to tell me how many of my novel, I*** T** S****, I have sold. In the one year that it has been published, I have managed to sell one. That's right. ONE. FML
Today, my mom realized we have been sharing toothbrushes because they are similar colors. I told her it doesn't really matter since we're mother and daughter. She responded by saying that she loves me, but she has no idea where my mouth has been, and she doesn't want my diseases. Thanks mom. FML
Today, I saw my mom's boyfriend naked. It was only from behind and it was a complete accident but still, ew. FML
Today, my momma ran into her opp and fists started flying. She grabbed the nearest thing near her and started swinging. That thing was my precious little boy, and now we're at the emergency room, telling him he fell down the stairs. FML
Today, I'm being shamed like crazy for allowing my children to celebrate Halloween, even though I'm a Christian, to the point that I can't ignore it. What's wrong with kids having an imagination? FML
Today, I was picking up my girlfriend's little sister at preschool. A student walked up to me, said, "Hello mister!", and lifted her skirt, showing me her undies. Before I could react, she grinned at me saying, "Buy me ice cream, or I'll scream and say you made me do that." Did I just get blackmailed by a 4 year-old? FML
Today, I was walking to my friend's Halloween themed birthday party in my zombie costume. Apparently, my crazy coke addicted neighbor found the costume too realistic. He tackled me. FML
Today, the police picked me up and made me go home to my mother, who regretted kicking me out for being gay, even though I wanted nothing more to do with her. It gets better though: She used to be my biggest supporter, then starting dating a homophobe who turned her against me. FML
Today, I have stingy, wealthy parents who have a martyr complex. They don't wear any new clothes, even if they have a lot, just to portray that they are "suffering." They throw all their money at religious cults and refuse to spend anything for me or my sister. A life full of hand-me-downs has led to low self esteem. FML
Today, I learned that due to a security incident my favourite fanfiction website will be down for two weeks, possibly four. FML
Today, my boyfriend asked me to text him when I got home after driving 40 miles in bad weather from his house back to mine. When I did, he broke up with me. FML
Today, while I was lying in bed in a hospital gown, a nurse came to check my vitals. I wasn't wearing any underwear and unbeknownst to me the bottom of my gown had been pulled up. My nurse laughed her head off while pointing this out to me as I covered myself, mortified after accidentally flashing her with my tiny dick. FML
Today, I discovered a large number of errors at my new job, wrote them down, and took them to my boss. Later, a coworker had a shout at me, because he was "saving them" so he could drip feed them to the boss, and look like he was always catching mistakes. FML
Today, I'd begged my family not to embarrass me in front of my girlfriend. Dinner went perfectly until my little brother showed her a video of me dancing, wearing nothing but a superhero cape. My girlfriend laughed so hard, she proposed a new nickname: Captain Cringe. FML
Today, during a dream job interview, my mum called and screamed, “DID YOU FIX THE TOILET YET, YOU LAZY BASTARD?” She was loud enough for the interviewer to hear her, so as he stared at me, I panicked and said, “Sorry, she's my previous employer.” FML
Today, while serving drinks at work to a group of people getting tipsy on wine, I joked about it being obvious who the designated driver was to the only gentleman who'd been religiously sticking to Coke all night. He coldly informed me that he was a recovering alcoholic. FML
Today, I texted my best friend that my girlfriend was annoying. Only, it turns out I sent it to our couples' group chat. Her mom replied, “At least he's honest.” Her dad left the group. My girlfriend changed her Netflix password. FML
Today, I called off my engagement because when we went grocery shopping for our house, I put a box of pads in our cart. He separated them so I that had to pay for them. He’s actually confused as to why I’m upset and thinks I’m not being serious about ending our engagement. He said, “I’ll give you a week or so.” FML
Today, after I had sex and had a secret relationship with somebody's husband, and took him from her, karma waited 14 years to pay me back and have the EXACT same thing done to me . FML
Today, after working on my novel for two years, I found out that another book has recently been published with an almost identical plot. I was going to submit it to a publisher in two days. FML
Today, a guy at my community center screamed and swore at me that I was lying about being a "professional hacker" because I didn't have Linux on my laptop. He then demanded that he teach me how to code. He's in his thirties and genuinely doesn't know what a computer lab is, or what uploading is. FML
Today, I’m supposed to be proposing to my girlfriend in an hour, but my stupid, air-headed bitch sister found the ring, tried it on, took photos of her wearing it for her social media, then got on a plane to go on her girly holiday, but never took the ring off. The bitch thinks it’s funny. FML
Today, I found it funny that if a 35 year-old man was spending time with a 14 year-old girl, everyone would lose their minds, but a 35 year-old man spending time with a 14 year-old boy is A-OK, and I'm a disgusting bigot for asking questions. The boy is my little brother and I'm worried sick about him. FML
Today, it's my second day of uni just sitting in halls, waiting for the lecturers, and switching venues that are not even in our timetable. Like, how come this is the "TOPPEST" university in the whole country? FML
Today, my new subletter moved in. Within 6 hours, one of my cats took a dump on her pants. I freaked out, lit some candles to hide the smell, and threw her pants in the washer. When the cycle was done, I found her cell phone at the bottom of the washing machine. FML
Today, I admitted to my friend that after having my first son, I have a completely different kind of love for him, as opposed to what I feel for my two daughters. In response, she scoffed and muttered, "'Boy moms' are never beating the allegations!" FML
Today, I shaved my armpit hair. After growing it for so long, it's gone. FML
Today, I had a big fight with my husband. We'd made a plan for our vacation and I stuck to the plan. He screamed at me for sticking to the plan. When I pointed out that he made the plan, he shouted at me some more because I'd "spoiled the vacation." Later, he asked if I was hungry. No apology. No acknowledgement. FML
Today, I was doing takeout orders at the restaurant I work at. I spent a long while putting together this guy's $135.00 order. When he finally got there to pick it up, I told him to fill out the credit card slip. I looked at it after he left. He gave me a 40 cent tip. FML
Today, I paid for NASCAR tickets for my husband, because it was something on his bucket list. I wanted to do something nice for him. Every time I tell him something he does that bothers me though, his comeback is, "Sorry I’m not perfect, maybe I should just kill myself and you can have all the money." FML
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