The best jokes about life

Today, my health is such a wreck that I’m not even sure if my main problem is mental or physical. To find out, I’d need health insurance. To get that, I’d need a job. To find a job, I’d need to be way less of a wreck. I’m in that state where you’re proud to have actually gotten out of bed each day. FML

By Anonymous - 4/8/2021 14:01

Free Healthcare for All

159

Today, I was babysitting an 8-year-old boy. He was playing with Play-Doh and made a sculpture that looked like a penis. I tried to cover up and asked if it was an action figure. He looked at me like I was an idiot and said, "It's a DICK." FML

By hot sweet.... not - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Renfrew

Richard

48166

6050

Today, I went outside to feed the hedgehogs who often visit my garden. It was late in the evening and dark outside. I was walking barefoot, when I suddenly stepped on something. It felt soft and splashed apart under my foot. I looked and realized that I had stepped on a slug. FML

By Hashtagfail - 4/8/2021 10:01 - Netherlands

Slimed

175

Today, I got yelled at for staying in my room too long; got yelled at for going out of my room; got yelled at for staying at a friend's place. FML

By Anonymous - 4/8/2021 02:00 - Australia

Can't win

275

Today, working at McDonald’s, I get lunch money on top of my salary. Well, actually I don’t *get* the money, I can eat the money. No freestyling though, only items that are actually on the menu. I guess my health and my figure won’t be lovin' it. FML

By Anonymous - 4/8/2021 06:01 - Germany - Ebersbach

Eat to the beat

229

Today, I bought a truck. It's a little beat up, but I got a pretty good deal because of it… Or so I thought. Turns out there's a Nickelback CD stuck in the player. And the radio is spotty. I can't help but think that had something to do with it. FML

By ricewine23 - 4/8/2021 04:01

Turn it off, make it stop!

290

Today, my girl was giving me a BJ when my dog started howling. She keeps going; my dog keeps howling. She stops, my dog stops. We start getting it on again and my girl starts giving me a BJ again; my dog starts howling louder this time. So we stop. My dog stopped me from getting some. This is a first. FML

By Stephon - 4/8/2021 02:01

It's a doggy dog world

416

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend why he shouldn't take drugs from strangers. I'm 35 and he's 34. FML

By Anonymous - 4/8/2021 00:01

Gobble gobble

398

Today, I found out that the stiffness I've been feeling in my hand is arthritis and that it's only going to get worse. Not only do I type for my job, I'm also 22. FML

By Lunar-Spice - 3/8/2021 16:00 - United States - Midlothian

Stiff Little Fingers

541

Today, my teenage son reacted to the news of his cousin's death like I’d just told him a bug got squashed on a car windscreen. He didn’t even look away from his computer screen, or react in any way. He seemed more annoyed that I’d interrupted him. FML

By Anonymous - 3/8/2021 19:59

Teenage Riot

558

Today, I ended up in the hospital by accidentally eating poisonous berries, from a plant that I've known since childhood to be poisonous, which I also recognized as belonging to the nightshade family. I still don’t understand what made them look tasty. Brain fart of the century, I guess. FML

By Anonymous - 3/8/2021 18:01 - Germany

Nature is healing

178

692

Today, I finally found out why my wife always told me to never visit her at work. You see, my wife and I are dark haired with blue/brown eyes and our daughter is blonde with very striking emerald green eyes. You know who else is blonde with striking emerald eyes? My wife’s boss. FML

By Anonymous - 3/8/2021 16:01

Suspicious Minds

1046

Today, my dog had REALLY bad diarrhea. I found that out when I woke up to find it all over my bed. FML

By Anonymous Taco Man - 3/8/2021 08:01 - United States

Top of the mornin' to ya!

619

Today, life gave me lemons, delivering them straight to my nuts via my neighbor's tennis ball shooter. FML

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Net!

29900

2801

Today, I learned that I’m being forced to go back to a position I do not want, or find a new job. I’ve been with the company for 12 years. FML

By Wtf do I do - 3/8/2021 10:00

Wage slaves unite

661

Today, my parents asked me if I was sure I didn't want to join them on a family trip tomorrow with my sister. I was never invited, and unlike the rest of the family, I have a full-time job where I can't just take days off with no warning. This is how they announce most "family trips" to me. FML

By Anonymous - 3/8/2021 07:59 - Denmark - Copenhagen

How to invite someone without actually inviting them

736

Today, my son had a fever and bad cough all night. Turns out he has RSV. My friend's baby, whose birthday party we went to a few days ago, also has RSV, and had been sick all week. She knew this and still went through with the party, without informing any of us parents. Now my baby is on breathing treatments. FML

By Anonymous - 3/8/2021 05:59

Superspreader event

888

Today, I finally mustered up the courage to tell my overly-religious parents that I'm an agnostic. They asked me why. As soon as I gave my reasons, my mom called me a "bigot" and hurled a bible at me, and it nailed me in the crotch. She then said, "That's what you get, non-believer." FML

By Anonymous - 2/8/2021 21:01 - United States - Steele

God is Dead 6: Electric Boogaloo

540

Today, it hit me hard that the girl I love is not still not interested after a year. She's now ghosting me, and she hangs out with my friends daily. She constantly talks about dating in front of me and only text/calls me when I post shorts/stories hanging out with other girls, just to pull me back in. FML

By Anonymous - 3/8/2021 01:59

On the leash

551

471

Today, after years of being unable to work because of chronic illness, I finished my second week of a new job. I'm so utterly and completely wiped out, I don't know if I can continue. FML

By sick not siiiick - 2/8/2021 18:01 - Australia

Chronic

697

Today, a crazed woman started screaming at me at the dog park. She was saying that I was cruel and unfit to be a pet owner, and she ought to kick my ass. My dog's ears and tail were cropped before I even got him. He’s a rescue and came to me like this. She wouldn’t listen and followed me to my car. FML

By peta eata - 2/8/2021 13:01 - United States

Dog people

858

Today, the girl I've been flirting with for a few weeks invited me to a house party. I gradually found out that she's been talking to my good buddy, they've been dating, actually they've been banging the whole time. And now she's in a bikini bouncing on his lap as we play Cards Against Humanity. FML

By Anonymous - 2/8/2021 20:01

The best time of your life

763

148

Today, I got into my car to remember that I left dead fish and waxworms in my car from fishing at the lake yesterday. We unloaded everything but those two stinky things. It was 90 degrees today too. FML

By Jenni - 2/8/2021 11:01 - United States - Chicago

Stink bomb

221

919

Today, my psychotic ex-boyfriend hit a brand new low. I was served court papers, saying that he’s suing me by demanding I give him a paternity test for my daughter. He’s also telling everyone he’s her real father. He and I were broken up for more than a year before I even got pregnant. FML

By what the actual fuck?! - 2/8/2021 07:01 - United States

Exes from hell

905

Today, my mom is trying to be quiet, thinking me asleep. This means she will whisper to the dogs in the upstairs hallway, then quietly go downstairs where she will bang the doors so hard the house shakes. Apparently, she thinks each floor is in its own separate dimension. FML

By Anonymous - 2/8/2021 14:01 - Germany - Ebersbach

Shifting

663

Today, my mother who learned English as an adult sent an email to my boss, thanking them for hiring me even though I'm "retarded." I’m a law school graduate who was diagnosed with a minor learning disability in kindergarten, but she still calls me "retarded" when speaking English. FML

By Jan - 2/8/2021 13:01

Language barrier

849

Today, while watching the Olympics, my father found it completely necessary to make a farting sound every single time an athlete jumps or bends over. This will be a very long few weeks. FML

By joleezad5 - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Nixa

Same joke, different year

24060

2446

Today, I got a lecture from my mother about how bad my stress has been, how I have to treat myself better and do something with my life. She still doesn't realize that most of the cause of my stress has been from her berating me about how stressed out I am. FML

By Anonymous - 2/8/2021 02:01 - United States - Floral Park

The root

734

Today, it appears I’m allergic. My stomach inflates like a soccer ball and produces terrible gas, and I really don’t feel so good in general. What am I allergic to? Summertime. Every year. FML

By Anonymous - 2/8/2021 06:01 - Germany - Ebersbach

Heatwave

628