Your everyday life stories

Today, after driving 900 miles, the tongue on my trailer broke ten miles away from home. I was stuck on the side of the road for 3 hours. FML

By Carolina R-h - 20/6/2019 04:45

226

Today, after spending the day at work avoiding all hard manual tasks that may harm me, I had a table dropped on my foot. I broke my toe, split my nail and had to get a tetanus shot. I was avoiding injury as I was supposed to be performing in a figure skating exhibition this evening. FML

By ice_dancer_jake - 20/6/2019 02:28

400

Today, I went to use one of the toilets at work, where once again someone had not flushed their poo. I work at an institute for higher education, and this happens on a weekly basis, even during the summer when no students are around. FML

By Faktafem - 19/6/2019 23:55

Alexa, play "People = Shit" by Slipknot

482

Today, my parents were helping me move flats. The only box to spring open was the box containing condoms and copious amounts of napkins for clean up. They spilled all over the road as my dad was carrying it. My mum picked them up. FML

By wookieewhosshe - 19/6/2019 21:13

536

248

Today, it's my 25th birthday, I celebrated it by cooking my favourite meal for my parents and sister, while they watched TV and house-hunted for my sister. I have yet to hear a happy birthday, receive a card, a present or a phone call. Oh, and my parents are on a diet, so they complained my cooking wasn’t "on their plan." FML

By happybirthday2me - 19/6/2019 19:00 - United Kingdom - Bristol

840

Today, it was my birthday. My only birthday present was a cake that my dad bought from Walmart. Well, it sure looked tasty. The only problem: it had nuts on it. Guess what I'm highly allergic too? At least my dad told me he'd "tell me how it tastes." FML

By birthdayboy - 19/6/2019 16:22

935

Today, I went on a Tinder date. Sort of. I got ready and went to the bar he'd chosen. I waited 15 minutes for him to show. We exchanged ”Hellos,” then he said he was going to grab a drink and walked off. He didn’t come back. Damn, was it the way I said, “Hello”? FML

By Kait - 19/6/2019 08:07 - Canada - Newmarket

980

Today, I found out my 15-year-old cat is having gas problems when she farted in my face. My mouth was open. FML

By raven_of_azarath - 19/6/2019 12:23

823

162

Today, I was driving behind a tall truck when it drove through some overhanging branches. Suddenly, a huge branch fell on top of my car, leaving it scratched all over and with several dents in the roof. FML

By Anonymous - 19/6/2019 06:26

1035

135

Today, I was going to record a song I wrote for my dad, who I haven't spoke to in a couple of years. After getting things together, I called my mom to let her know I'd be doing this. She informed me he died. A year ago. FML

By Gore - 18/6/2019 21:13 - United States - Kansas City

1489

252

Today, my boss wanted to talk to me. Nervous, I went to her office. Turns out that my coworkers talk about me behind my back, and my boss is worried about me. Apparently, I lie about my bad knees, and me wearing black leggings is horrible. Most of them wear sweatpants on a daily basis. FML

By Umwhat - 19/6/2019 02:01

1165

Today, I had my first sexual experience since going through a rough break up a month ago. The guy finished after 60 seconds of a blow job and then didn’t return the favor. FML

By kenken5 - 19/6/2019 01:51

1265

191

Today, for the third time, my boyfriend called his dog by my name. FML

By Anonymous - 19/6/2019 00:04

1017

135

Today, at my father's funeral, a stranger tried to grab me. When I held out my hand, she mugged exaggerated hurt and shrieked, "You DON'T want a HUG?" My awful aunt then guffawed, "She had her hand out! She thought she was gonna shake hands!" to get the crowd to laugh at me. At my father's funeral. FML

By BloodyButUnbowed - 18/6/2019 22:17

1409

Today, I went to work at my new job, where I thought it would be super easy because I shop there all the time, and already know where everything is. Turns out, they're remodelling the store, so I don't know where anything is anymore, and the bosses get mad at me for being too slow. FML

By Morgan Jones - 18/6/2019 20:08

1060

277

By Alan - 18/6/2019 18:00

FML's Favorite Funny and Dumb One-Star Reviews!

People like to review things. Sometimes even when they haven't experienced them. Here's a selection of the best of the worst online...

Today, my 2-year-old woke up from her nap with a full diaper, then decided to climb down from her bed and got stuck under the railing, leaving a stinky trail of poop everywhere. FML

By Carolina R-h - 18/6/2019 16:30

1074

157

Today, I discovered that pictures really make a person look more attractive than they really are. Besides the downgrade in attraction, we got to spend the next two hours playing an awkward game of 20 questions. This from a guy that wanted nudes right away. So much for online charm. FML

By Anonymous - 18/6/2019 14:29

Tonight, on First Dates…

921

462

Today, I was in a public toilet taking a dump. I then noticed someone trying to peep under the door, so I kicked them in the head as hard as I could. Turned out it was a 5-year-old looking for his parent. FML

By Anonymous - 18/6/2019 06:44

1415

1001

Today, I'm in my mid-twenties and just learned that I still start crying in confusing situations. I found this out by getting the wrong train in a foreign country, and then having the conductor come and tell me my ticket was only valid for the other direction. FML

By Anonymous - 18/6/2019 03:10

1325

201

Today, after sending and receiving hundreds of hints, I mustered up the courage to ask my best friend out. He completely ignored my words, and went on to tell me all about his mother's intestinal bug. FML

By RheaDitto - 18/6/2019 01:08

1402

146

Today, I tried keeping a surprise secret from my fiance. Turns out, under the influence of my sleeping tablets, which after I take them, I forget everything I've said, I spilled the beans. So much for the surprise. FML

By Emmz91 - 17/6/2019 23:03

1241

216

Today, I'd finished cleaning the interior of my vehicle, but seconds later, a stray cat jumped in through the other opened door, and took a dump right in the center of the mat inside. FML

By Anonymous - 17/6/2019 20:48

1415

119

Today, I woke up with my face flying at the wall. A muscle spasm had caused me to pop out of bed. I'm now dealing with a concussion and sprained neck, thanks to an almost physically impossible feat. FML

By alycion - 17/6/2019 19:07

1301

Today, after my boyfriend broke up with me and I'd chained-smoked all night, I had a driving test. With only 3 hours of sleep, I literally drove through a red light during the test. FML

By kk- - 17/6/2019 17:05

583

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Today, the worst part about not having a sense of smell is that I can’t tell if anyone ate pizza without me. Unless I see an empty box in the trash. FML

By Nosmie - 17/6/2019 15:03

1316

185

Today, well into my second year at university, I still haven't made a single friend. FML

By Lonely At Griffith - 17/6/2019 13:02

1500

232

Today, I was telling my fiancée about my Hashimoto's symptoms when my MIL to-be said, "You must be drinking too much alcohol. My aunt had a goiter and it only swelled when she drank, usually bourbon or beer." She then walked out of the room, perfectly content with her "diagnosis." FML

By Goiter - 17/6/2019 01:00 - United States - Fort Washington

1327

103

Today, after taking care not to hurt myself during my workout, I injured my shoulder extricating myself from my sports bra. FML

By metalmeow - 17/6/2019 05:00

1355

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