The best jokes about life

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OP here. I can't even believe this got published. When I published this, I went with a different name because I forgot about my old account, but I managed to recover it. For those wondering about what happened, yes I did explain to my dad how it works. He comes from a much older generation and isn't into cosplay like I am, but he's also never run a business before, so he didn't understand the process...

Etweens96 tells us more :

By Anonymous - 28/9/2021 05:01

Shitgibbon

Today, here in Canada, my father-in-law talked to me about how people who are "not Canadians" are destroying the country. He called me an "import" several times within the course of an hour. I've been a citizen for over twenty years. FML

Today, I couldn't bring up a close friend from college in a conversation without my mom bashing her for over ten minutes. She does this with practically all my close female friends. I suspect she subconsciously doesn't want any girl to steal her son away. FML

By Anonymous - 28/9/2021 01:59

Freud intensifies

218

Today, I told my husband I wanted to make him happy by giving him a baby. He told me either I can make him happy, or I can give him a baby, but I can’t do both. FML

By Anonymous - 27/9/2021 22:59

Kids is hard work

181

245

Today, despite warning my new girlfriend I suffer from bad premature ejaculation, and should get her to orgasm first with my hand or mouth, she insisted I “just fuck her already” then she blamed me when it was over in 15 seconds. FML

By Anonymous - 27/9/2021 20:00

I'm gonna come

494

Today, my long distance friend-with-benefits informed me she's now in a relationship with an amazing guy. I should be happier for her, as even I admit he is perfect for her. Too bad I just spent over a thousand dollars on plane tickets to visit her. The tickets are completely nonrefundable. FML

By friboy2791 - 27/9/2021 17:01

I love that for you

241

420

Today, I had to call patients that we hadn't seen in a long time. Most of them were dead. FML

By Exil - this FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States

Monday morning

25823

1979

Today, I sneezed and peed myself while working out at the gym. FML

By kinwar - 27/9/2021 07:01 - United States - Hamburg

Go big or go home

478

Today, I went on a date with a guy from Bumble. It was going well, with dinner and a walk on the waterfront, until he started complaining about skincare products, "People with eczema use that nasty cream, it's so sticky and smells horrible." I have severe eczema. FML

By Anonymous - 27/9/2021 10:59

Smell test

584

Today, my girlfriend recently dumped me because she's serious about her career (temp secretary) and needs a man who’s also serious about his career. I’m an area manager for 6 hotels, making almost six figures. I found out she's now dating a very low level weed dealer. Serious career. Sure. FML

By Anonymous - 27/9/2021 08:00

Bullshit excuse

969

Today, my mom disowned me and forced me to move out because I didn’t have a crying heartbroken meltdown at the death of my stepfather. She knows I hated the man's guts since the first time he slapped her, so my not caring about his death shouldn't have surprised her. FML

By Anonymous - 27/9/2021 05:02

Love is blind

781

Today, I hooked up with a really great guy while I’m on a business trip. Would've been great, but found out he slept with someone else right after me, and stole my headphones. FML

By Anonymous - 26/9/2021 19:00 - United States - Dallas

Risky business

322

535

Today, what did I get after a long, tiring week? A long, depressing weekend. FML

By Gunaditya - 26/9/2021 23:00

The grind

541

Today, I had my first day off in six months. My mother immediately came down to my room and demanded that I clean the entire house. As I was cleaning, she said, "You don’t get to relax. Ever. Lazy ass." FML

By ghk - 26/9/2021 20:00

Work work work work

976

Today, after spending months building my boss 3 websites and finishing them, I was fired via a short email, saying she didn't need my help anymore. I only worked for her for 3 months, so basically I stopped being useful when I finished her websites. FML

By Larissa E. Royster - 26/9/2021 17:00

Welcome to capitalism, baby

762

Today, it was my 24th birthday. I got a card from my sister that read, "Here's to another year of complete disregard for age-appropriate developmental milestones." She's right. FML

By nothreat33 - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Young at heart

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3806

Today, in France, a "Vaccine Pass" is needed to do most things. Some family members came to visit, but as they aren't vaccinated they usually just stay home. They told us that we're dangerous, because we carry "millions of viruses" from the vaccine, and it will be our fault if they get Covid. FML

By Ariane - 26/9/2021 14:00

That's not how that works, it's not how anything works

749

122

Today, my kids did not tell me the AC guy was here. I got up and went to the restroom in my bra and underwear, and the AC guy was standing in the bathroom. Our AC unit is downstairs, so both me and the AC guy were shocked. FML

By Anonymous - 26/9/2021 10:59

Oh, hai Mark!

672

110

Today, I took a polygraph. The interviewer was mad at the way I was breathing and looking down once instead of straight ahead. The third test I started crying because he raised his voice, saying I was disrespecting his time. I was trying so hard but couldn't breathe with the equipment on, leaving my mind blank. FML

By Anonymous - 26/9/2021 02:00 - United States

Polygraphs are BS

698

Today, a girl I've been casually seeing just gave me the, "You're a great guy, but I'm not ready for a relationship" speech. A few hours later, I see a video in a group chat of her making out and laughing with another guy, while my other friends just watched and laughed. I'm just done trying, why am I always getting shit on? FML

By Anonymous - 25/9/2021 20:00 - United States - Huntington Beach

Nice guy vibes

964

230

Today, after 5 and a half years, my boyfriend had spent months talking about proposing before the end of the year. He'd picked out a ring, told all his friends, and couldn't stop talking about our future. He then dumped me over the phone out of the blue. FML

By Anonymous - 26/9/2021 01:00 - Ireland

What happened?

785

Today, my wife and I were getting intimate in the morning. First time in forever. Things were just starting to get steamy when our 10-month-old daughter woke up. FML

By Anonymous - 25/9/2021 23:00

Not now

710

141

Today, I made the major mistake of trusting a fart during a job interview. Needless to say, I didn’t get the job. FML

By Anonymous - 25/9/2021 20:00

Too trusting

390

740

Today, I told a lady that came into my clothing store that I thought her abstract looking necklace was pretty. She responded, "Oh… That's actually a pipe that goes into my lung." FML

By oopsjsp90 - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Australia

Foot in mouth

35269

8628

Today, my husband was arrested because a fox, fleeing from about a billion dogs and rich twats on horses, jumped through our car window and was cowering between my legs. So he got out of the car, waded through the dogs and pulled one of the twats off his horse into a puddle, ruining his red coat. FML

By Anonymous - 25/9/2021 17:01

Fuck fox hunts

1365

202

Today, I got broken up with, after renovating her family's apartment over the last 9 months. She even waited until I'd hung the last lights, whose shipment was delayed. FML

By franzia - 25/9/2021 14:00

Cheap labor

988

Today, over a year after my aunt started working for my dad, her timesheets are 8 months overdue. Dad gets mad at me when I complain. She has no consequences, even though business taxes will be very late. She complains about taxes on her 6-figure salary, while I'm part-time hourly. I wish I could find a new job. FML

By Anonymous - 25/9/2021 10:59

Nepotism rules

807

Today, I woke up early in the morning after sleeping 3 hours. Stepped into the kitchen and made myself a cup of coffee like usual. I was sipping my hot coffee while studying, until I noticed a small roach skeleton. I found 3 more in my coffee maker. FML

By JohnX - 25/9/2021 08:00

Good morning

750

112

Today, I was dismissed from my job for my poor absence record. I'd not received any formal warnings, and was dismissed on the spot. My absences were because of my disability. He didn't even ask for medical records. FML

By Anonymous - 25/9/2021 04:01 - United Kingdom - Lincoln

Cogs in the machine

766

Today, my girlfriend gets horny at the most inconvenient times. She woke me up to have sex at 2 a.m. I have work at 6 a.m. FML

By nexus - 25/9/2021 09:59 - Papua New Guinea

Not now

640

355