Your everyday life stories

228

Today, during my second shift back at work after missing 4 weeks for knee surgery, I stabbed myself in the hand and now need 3 weeks off for that surgery. Just as I'm up for a promotion. FML

By Darren - 31/8/2020 04:01 - Australia - Greenacre

MVP

418

Today, it's the tenth anniversary of me getting my driver's license. My record is perfect: no accidents, no tickets. Today is also the tenth anniversary of the last time I drove a car. FML

By never-even-owned-a-car - 30/8/2020 17:02

Broke

381

157

Today my sister was complaining about all the inaccuracies in Grey's Anatomy and how it negatively portrayed nurses. I’m a massage therapist. Almost everything portrays us as cheap whores. I’ve even been propositioned several times. When I pointed this out, she and the rest of my family laughed. FML

By not a whore! - 30/8/2020 07:05 - United States - Madison

Can't catch a break

624

Today, in the middle of a pandemic, which has made it impossible for me to get a job for the last 4 months, my landlord has decided the one thing I need is a rental increase. FML

By Anonymous - 30/8/2020 07:01 - United Kingdom

Landlords are social parasites

825

Today, I had to squat to retrieve something from the bottom of the cabinet in the bathroom. This caused me to fart and startle myself enough that I jumped and banged my forehead on the sink. FML

By - 30/8/2020 13:01 - Australia - Liverpool

10 out 10 for execution

580

283

Today, my brother-in-law still insists on referring to me as "his brother's wife" and tells everyone I'm not his "sister-in-law." I've been married to his brother for 10 years. FML

By Anonymous - 30/8/2020 02:01

Rude

759

Today, my estranged father died. No one bothered to tell me, and the only reason I found out was because his wife texted my sister. When I asked about the service, I was told I was no welcome in the state he had lived in, because I was no longer family. FML

By SkipBeatOtaku - 29/8/2020 23:02

Harsh

816

113

Today, my best friend and I were supposed to meet up at an outdoor beer garden. We’ve both had a hard time with quarantine, so it was a great escape. Instead, she kept me waiting for nearly two hours before I finally left. Her excuse? Her boyfriend, who she sees every day, really wanted to have sex. FML

By thanks sis - 29/8/2020 10:52 - United States - Hesperia

On a leash

978

Today, I was fired for asking HR to move me to another department, due to my manager's unethical behaviour against me. The alternative was shut up and look for another job. Which I have to do now. FML

By Anonymous - 29/8/2020 17:02 - Poland - Polska

At will

949

Today, the police came to my house and arrested me. Why? The neighborhood kids thought it would be fun to hide behind my house and shoot at people with paintball guns. People saw it coming from my house and called the police. I was fired from work, due to missing it without notice. No excuses. FML

By Anonymous - 29/8/2020 14:09

Get off my lawn!

1248

Today, my brother turned into a fanatical vegan, and while I was eating my scrambled eggs, sat across from me glaring and whispering, "fried embryo, amniotic fluid" the entire time. I have a feeling i'll be eating most of my meals in my room from now on. FML

By Anonymous - 29/8/2020 08:01 - Canada

Leave me alone

1087

Today, I went to lunch with a friend in her car. I told her to park in a lot that had signs warning that we'd be towed, saying, "They never tow anyone from here. In fact, if you get towed, I'll pay for it." When we returned, her car was gone. I had to pay $145 in cash to get it back. FML

By Greg - 29/8/2020 05:01

Lovely Rita

286

2114

Today, I came home to find out my roommate had sex in my bed, because he didn't want his date to know he has a smaller bed. FML

By Leo Scofield - 29/8/2020 02:00

It's not the size that counts

1246

Today, after being unemployed for over four months, I got a call from a company I've wanted to work for for over 2 years. After they were about to set up an interview, they called me by a different name. After correcting them, they hung up on me. Turns out they had the wrong number. FML

By Anonymous - 28/8/2020 23:01 - United States

Say my name, say my name

1400

Today, I was trying to do a nice thing and let my friend's mom borrow my car. I went to move my mom's car that was parked behind me so that I could get my car out, and then proceeded to back into my dad's new company car. FML

By carlyalexia - 28/8/2020 20:01

The road to hell…

773

414

Today, I resigned from my dream job with a small company. In the 6 weeks I worked there, a fist-fight occurred, the police were called 4 times, a person was fired for lying on important documents, and I was yelled or heckled for my ideas everyday. Now I'm jobless and worried, but had the first good night's sleep in 6 weeks. FML

By Anonymous - 28/8/2020 17:01

Better out than in

1345

101

Today, although the I’ve always kept my pubic hair neat and trimmed, my boyfriend once again complained that I don’t shave. When I told him that shaving is uncomfortable and risks ingrown hairs, he sulked and said, “But it’ll look so much better!” He needs to lay off the porn. FML

By hairycarrie - 28/8/2020 04:49 - United States

Splitting hairs

1384

314

Today, my dad offered to make me lunch as it was my first day at a new school. Today was also the day I had to eat a penis-shaped sandwich in front of my new peers. FML

By HunkyFez - 28/8/2020 08:06 - Australia

Dad joke number 287474

1269

165

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents. Remember the show Honey Boo Boo? They seem sophisticated compared to the family of weirdoes I got to meet. It's almost got me reconsidering my planned proposal. FML

By Scared - 28/8/2020 05:03

Meet the parents

1015

167

Today, after coming out of a meeting during which I promised my employees better wages, I was met at the door by my CEO telling me to lay off all the employees I just talked to. FML

By tdizzlehi - 28/8/2020 02:00 - United States - Boston

Won't someone think of the economy?

1355

168

Today, I was diagnosed with a condition where blood vessels in my brain spasm just before orgasm, resulting in me getting a wicked migraine that lasts for days. The only cure? No more orgasms. FML

By Sam - 27/8/2020 23:02 - Canada

Love hurts

1643

Today, two friends of almost ten years told my husband they had concerns about our marriage, and basically said they can no longer be friends with me. My husband and I never fight, and have other people tell us they are jealous of our relationship. The worst part is they still want to be friends with him. FML

By mislabeled - 27/8/2020 20:05

What did I do?

1353

120

Today, at my maternal grandmother’s wake, I decided I deserved a piece of cake as it had been a hard day. I was serving myself a slice when my paternal grandma caught my eye from across the room, making a “fat face” at me. She called out, loudly, “You don’t need it Pudgy.” FML

By Anonymous - 28/8/2020 01:08 - Australia - South Yarra

Cake is everything

1357

164

Today, my boyfriend went to get coffee with a friend. As a joke, I texted him to ask how his date with his other girlfriend was going. It really was a date, and apparently it went very well. FML

By UnluckyTh1rteen - 27/8/2020 14:19 - United States - New York

Just a friend

1361

143

Today, I noticed that on the calendar in my boyfriend’s apartment, for every week of the months when I have my period are coloured in red and over them, in block capitals, he has written 'BEWARE'. FML

By bitch - 27/8/2020 08:02 - United Kingdom - London

Tracked

890

570

Today, after having spent 2 weeks planning my husband's surprise birthday party with his friends and family, we get in the car on the way to "dinner" and he says, "I really hope it's just the two of us tonight." FML

By Anonymous - 27/8/2020 05:01

Let down

1186

247

Today, my son accidentally damaged another kid in the face with a baseball bat, while blindfolded trying to hit a piñata. Except there was no piñata, or blindfold. FML

By Anonymous - 27/8/2020 10:02 - Australia - Murarrie

Kids will be kids

536

986

Today, I discovered that 90% of what I do still works on autopilot when I’m too tired to pay attention: Take coffee cup, walk to fridge, open fridge door, grab bottle, pour contents into coffee. The missing 10% was the fact that this particular bottle contained grapefruit juice. FML

By Anonymous - 26/8/2020 23:02 - Germany - Köln

Yummy

835

341