All the FMLs

Greased lightning

By NotMyFootprints - 20/01/2022 08:01 - United States - Staten Island

Today, my housemate whined at me for tracking dirt into the house, saying how she shouldn't have to mop the floor after me, and that we have a doormat for a reason. She'd have a point, except I always walk barefoot indoors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64

You deserved it 12

Support system

By Anonymous - 20/01/2022 05:01 - Canada - Emsdale

Today, I was diagnosed with polycystic ovaries and confided in my mom, after being told I would have trouble having kids. Five minutes later, I hear the whole family laughing about it downstairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 254

You deserved it 10

Let's cook

By Anonymous - 20/01/2022 08:01

Today, I may be permanently blind in one eye after my girlfriend squirted me with sauce during a playful food fight. She basically used the first bottle she could grab without looking, the extra spicy sauce I make myself that requires gloves, goggles and nose plugs while cooking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 264

You deserved it 93

Paper thin walls

By Anonymous - 20/01/2022 05:00

Today, I live in an apartment and all I can hear is my neighbours' bratty kids screaming with their new toys. Not only do I hate kids, making this absolute torture, I also work nights and only fell into bed at 6 a.m. this morning, so that’s 4 hours trying to sleep so far and I’m back at work in 5 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 349

You deserved it 69

Policy of truth

By jk. - 20/01/2022 02:01

Today, my girlfriend tried to look at my phone and I turned it away from her. Now she’s convinced I’m cheating on her. In reality, I’m too embarrassed to admit it’s because Facebook is showing me nonstop ads for laxatives after I ordered some two days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 215

You deserved it 317

Private freakouts

By Anonymous - 19/01/2022 23:02

Today, my son warned me that unless I get his older brother to stop picking on him, he’d do it himself. I didn’t take it seriously, until I got home from work to find he'd had beaten his brother unconscious. His justification was that he's warned me he’d "do it himself.“ FML

I agree, your life sucks 118

You deserved it 1 131

Joe's at it again

By bourneenemy - 19/01/2022 11:01 - United States - Pico Rivera

Today, same as recently, there's some guy constantly standing in front of my building waiting for me to come out, just to stare at me and then get mad when I walk to my car, to the store, to the bank, and even followed me into the lobby to see what floor I get off at, like a weirdo. What should I do? FML

I agree, your life sucks 627

You deserved it 42

Impressive double dating strategy

By NotMisspiggy - 19/01/2022 17:00

Today, I had a blind date. When I went to meet him, he shouted to my friend, “What the fuck dude? You didn’t tell me I’d be on a date with Miss Piggy! Fuck this shit!” and then stormed off. I haven’t had a date in 6 years and I bought the best outfit and got my hair done to make an impression. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 002

You deserved it 82

Catch you later

By Rescheduled - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Daly City

Today, after waiting months for an appointment with a doctor who specializes in the disease I have, I showed up at his practice, only to find the cops executing a search warrant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 953

You deserved it 1 052

Daddy issues

By Anonymous - 19/01/2022 07:59 - Colombia

Today, I met my wife’s father, an alcoholic who'd abandoned her, for the first time. She now has to support him financially. The guy is a piece of shit, but after we left, she fucked me more vigorously than I thought possible. I’m planning to see this turd again, just for the benefit of my sex life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 239

You deserved it 704

Fathers and sons

By Anonymous - 19/01/2022 11:01

Today, my husband and son haven’t spoken to each other in over a year. I’ve tried everything from bargaining, crying, and even screaming at them both, but they seem determined to hate each other. At this rate, our son will move out and we’ll never see him or our future grand babies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 624

You deserved it 178

New man

By Anonymous - 19/01/2022 08:01

Today, my ex-boyfriend, who broke up with me the day before yesterday, got a job at my workplace. He shows up dressed his best clothes, clean-shaven, and with perfume. For the 10 months we dated, I only saw him in baggy tops, sweatpants, a weird beard, and the smell of sweat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 688

You deserved it 137

Drunk texts

By Anonymous - 19/01/2022 05:01

Today, at around 2 a.m., I texted my crush that I liked him. He replied that he's in a relationship. I just felt a tight knot in my stomach and couldn't breathe for a few seconds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 445

You deserved it 509

Assumptions

By Anonymous - 19/01/2022 02:01

Today, there's a food thief in our office who manages to steal from the fridge without being caught, and everyone keeps blaming me, probably because I’m the fattest. I have a gastric band and can only eat a few mouthfuls before being full, but still people think I’m stealing entire bags of food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 088

You deserved it 89

From the heart

By Anonymous - 18/01/2022 22:59

Today, after agreeing to marry my boyfriend, he started spouting crap about converting to his religion, and how I’d need to take lessons from his mother on how to be a proper wife to him at all times, like, EXCUSE ME, WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE TALKING TO? DUMPED. See ya later, douchebag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 635

You deserved it 289

Disney food for thought

By Anonymous - 18/01/2022 19:59

Today, as part of his quest to annoy me, my husband pointed out that for every Disney movie I love, it was someone on the animating team's job to animate the boob jiggle physics, as in it was literally their job to animate how the breasts of Ariel, Elsa and Belle move. So many movies ruined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 685

You deserved it 306

Jailbait

By "Riotxxo" - 18/01/2022 16:58

Today, after confessing to my 16 year-old sister that I was only into guys younger than me, she said that was OK because she was attracted to guys in their late 40's and that an age gap was not that much of a big deal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 636

You deserved it 221

My poor baby

By Username - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, a car hit me while I was on a crosswalk. The driver jumped out of her car and stepped over me to check her car for damage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 828

You deserved it 3 161

Bodyshaming ain't it chief

By Anonymous - 18/01/2022 13:59

Today, my grandpa pointed out my slightly larger than usual belly and made fun of it, by comparing it to a kidney bag. I’ve been underweight since I was 13, and when I finally gain weight someone has to make fun of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 905

You deserved it 65

Cigarettes or…?

By xander - 18/01/2022 01:59 - United States - Federal Way

Today, I learned that my mother almost did a perfect job being a parent when I was a baby. She was clean during the 9 month period I was in the womb. Unfortunately, she stopped right after giving birth to me, celebrated, and started smoking again. I was breastfed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 742

You deserved it 103

Seasick, yet still docked

By Anonymous - 17/01/2022 21:01 - United States - Kula

Today, my husband is "too busy" and refuses to even talk with me for more than two minutes, but has enough time to spend hour-long phone conversations with his buddies. If only I were not stuck with him and our second baby at home during a pandemic… FML

I agree, your life sucks 737

You deserved it 134

Sneaky thievery

By Anonymous - 17/01/2022 23:01 - United States - Toledo

Today, we went to clear out our car. It was totaled by a drunk driver without car insurance. It was first towed to the police's impound lot, and then transferred to a garage. Everything was in the car at the police lot, but when we got to the garage, the two 12" subwoofers and amplifier were gone from the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 016

You deserved it 102

Addiction

By Anonymous - 18/01/2022 01:58

Today, I thought I’d do something for my digestion and forego the after-lunch coffee, as it always makes me gassy. Well, without the coffee apparently all the gas just stayed inside. Whatever it did in there gave me a pretty awful stomach ache. FML

I agree, your life sucks 682

You deserved it 92

Noise annoys

By Anonymous - 17/01/2022 23:01

Today, I'm on my 20th consecutive night without decent sleep, ever since circumstances forced me to move back to my parents' bungalow, and my dad's thunderous snoring keeping me awake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 715

You deserved it 116

Own that shit

By Anonymous - 17/01/2022 20:01

Today, I'm at my in-laws for breakfast. I used the restroom to do a number 2 but the water flow isn't going. It's not clogged, but the water is not fully leaving, and my boyfriend's phone is dead. I'm helpless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 762

You deserved it 111

Jinxed

By Anonymous - 17/01/2022 17:02

Today, my phone made a random noise. I jokingly said, "Wow, I wonder who died now?" Turns out it was my son's grandmother. I had to explain it because I screamed. I also got to tell his dad that his mom just died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 687

You deserved it 199

Relevant to my interests

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my maths class and I had to sit through a slideshow of photos of our teacher's cat. The cat's name is Mr Cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 389

You deserved it 4 199

Priorities

By Haddy - 17/01/2022 14:01

Today, my daughter would rather make payments on a payment plan for a $2000 Gucci purse, yet she refuses to move out and get a place on her own, or chip in for rent. She’s 29. FML

I agree, your life sucks 472

You deserved it 853

Denial

By Unhappy32 - 17/01/2022 11:01

Today, my homophobic mother is arranging to set me up with a wealthy 46 year-old man who has agreed to marry me. I’m 19 , a lesbian, and I’ve been in a committed relationship for the past couple of years. My mother will stop at nothing. This is the fourth guy she's tried to set me up with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 112

You deserved it 152

Poor planning on your part does not necessitate an emergency on mine

By Anonymous - 17/01/2022 08:02

Today, I had to bring my youngest (a 3 year-old) with me to my therapist's, due to not having childcare. After waiting 10 minutes, the receptionist called me up to the desk to inform me that my therapist wouldn’t be seeing me, because of my child being there. Nothing like wasting an hour of my time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 679

You deserved it 533

Nearly

Today, I’ve tested positive for Covid-19. Again. For the third time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6

You deserved it 1

Today I ripped my lovely £50 coat on barbed wire, what I only worn a hand full of times, ended up having to spend £10 to get it repaired, have to wait till Friday to pick it up, it’s only Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16

You deserved it 20

Spicy

I agree, your life sucks 239

You deserved it 704

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 425

You deserved it 1 212