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By Anonymous - 22/6/2021 18:00

Ingredients check

Today, my boyfriend told me the sauce he made for our dinner that was meat-based, trying to show me how nice meat is and stop me being a weirdo vegan. The reason I’m vegan is because my digestive system can’t handle animal protein. I’m writing this from the bathroom, vomiting myself to death. FML
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By Anonymous - 22/6/2021 16:01

Paul Blurt

Today, I had various items thrown at me all day at school, one one of which was a ruler that landed flat on my back where I had blistered and peeling sunburn. I yelped, "Motherf***er!" because of the pain, and I was the one given detention. FML
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117
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15
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By DumpedGirl89 - 22/6/2021 14:01

Long distance

Today, my long-distance boyfriend decided to tell me he found a girl in his hometown he’s become attracted to, and that he doesn’t love me anymore. He says we can "still be friends." I’d just driven 100 miles to see him. FML
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By Bleh - 22/6/2021 05:00 - United States - Midlothian

Fault

Today, I accidentally let slip to my mom that I hardly remember the graduation party she threw me four years ago. She proceeded to verbally assault me for forgetting the special occasion. I had a brain complication two years ago which resulted in some memory loss. Apparently, it's my fault. FML
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By Anonymous - 22/6/2021 08:01

BIKES!

Today, I’m doing the 5 km bike ride to the grocery store. As always, I'm well equipped: Shopping bags, shopping list, pen, sunglasses, hat, sunscreen, raincoat, tampons, tissues, lip balm, water bottle… Anything I forgot? Aaah, yes. Money. FML
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74
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By Anonymous - 22/6/2021 06:00

Really bugs me

Today, most people don’t realize how relaxing it is to poop on an indoor toilet. As in, being able to do your business in peace without having to keep mosquitoes from landing on your private parts. FML
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306
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31
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By Anonymous - 22/6/2021 04:01

No shot

Today, I had emergency surgery to remove my fallopian tubes. I'm one of the 0.5% of people who get pregnant after having their tubes tied. FML
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403
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30
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By never again! - 22/6/2021 02:01

Demon child

Today, I was babysitting my nephew. He was acting up, so instead of spanking him, I put him in the corner for timeout. He screamed and thrashed and kicked the walls so hard my neighbors called the police. My sister wasn’t answering her phone, and I had to explain why a 7-year-old was acting like that. FML
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442
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By Matthew Smith - 21/6/2021 21:01 - United Kingdom

Acrophobia

Today, my new drone got stuck on the neighbour's roof. I'd bought the drone to look at my roof because I don’t like going up on ladders. FML
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294
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By Anonymous - 21/6/2021 20:01

Tits McGee

Today, I was supposed to ask for extra memory allocation for my Linux server, but instead of typing, "Can you increase my memory capacity?", I typed, "Can you increase my mammary capacity?" in a group full of senior engineers. FML
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By Anonymous - 21/6/2021 17:59

Pica?

Today, my mom ate some flowers without knowing if they were safe. Turns out they are slightly poisonous and she had an upset stomach, but she will be fine. Her excuse? "I didn't know it had poison." I had to explain that's exactly why you don't eat plants you don't know are poisonous or not. FML
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535
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46
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By haileypaige123 - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Party time!

Today, I went to my first party, hoping to maybe meet some people. I was there for 4 hours, and the person/thing that I interacted most with was a cat. FML
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By Anonymous - 21/6/2021 19:31 - India - Bangalore

Looking for a job?

Today, the guy we'd offered to hire, who had a 2-month notice period, emailed to say he couldn't come after all, because his employer offered to retain him. In this two-month timeframe, we didn't interview anybody else and now we're in deep shit. FML
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485
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By bioloss - 21/6/2021 08:01 - United States - New York

To snitch or not to snitch

  Today, I found out my mom is sleeping with my boss. My dad doesn’t know yet. FML
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By Julie Wuertz - 21/6/2021 11:01

Shithole

Today, I was packing up to move when I decided to take a break. I went to get some water from the sink when a bug fell into my cup. Needless to say, I'm glad I'm moving. FML
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By Anonymous - 21/6/2021 08:02

Great organization

Today, while leaving late for work, I walked out to my car only to find the back window broken. Worst part was, I still had to go to work because no one who could cover me showed up. FML
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535
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41
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By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States
  Today, I accidentally moaned my own name during sex. FML
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By Anonymous - 20/6/2021 23:01 - United States - Steele

Randy Mandy

Today, I was eating lunch with my grandmother when a very muscular young man entered the restaurant. As soon as he walked in, my 70-year-old widowed grandmother looked at him and said, out loud, "Ooh, eye candy!" Everyone in the restaurant began staring at us, and the poor guy's face was red as a tomato. FML
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673
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74
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By MissT - 21/6/2021 09:59 - Australia - Dianella

Love hurts

Today, my divorce certificate arrived in the mail. Reading it felt like I was punched in the face by a brick. FML
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619
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By ugh1234 - 21/6/2021 02:01

Do as you're told

Today, I was demoted at work to a much harder and more time-consuming position because, I quote, "You have more experience." My boss is now telling the others I volunteered to be moved to the lower position. FML
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712
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By Anonymous - 21/6/2021 00:01

Kevin can fuck himself

Today, my husband was two hours late from picking up my daughter from practice. I called his cell once to check if they were alright. When they finally arrived, he was annoyed at me for "controlling" him. He then pushed his sweaty shirt in my face to take in his "musty scent". When I refused, he got mad again. FML
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By that’s just gross - 20/6/2021 13:01

Jesus saves!

Today, I’ve always tried to be understanding that my girlfriend grew up very poor and is therefore extremely frugal. However, I finally had to draw the line when she flipped out on me for throwing out her respooled used dental floss and buying another. It was 98 cents for a new one. FML
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784
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By Smoked. - 20/6/2021 12:59 - Mexico - Mexico

Get 'em while they're young

Today, I got a citation from school. My 10-year-old son was caught smoking cigarettes during recess. FML
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By Anonymous - 20/6/2021 18:01

Get some rest

Today, I dislocated my shoulder doing a really big stretch when I woke up. After the doctor relocated it, my dad told me I still had to do my chores. No excuses. FML
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681
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By Yanil - 20/6/2021 16:02

Am I the asshole?

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend from 4 years ago. Turns out she hasn’t found love again since I broke it off with her for her best friend. She’s not the bubbly, cheery girl I met before. I can’t help but feel like an asshole. FML
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241
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By Anonymous - 20/6/2021 14:01 - Germany

Let it all hang out

Today, my mom was pulling up weeds on the terrace while wearing gardening gloves. Why is that worth mentioning? Because that's literally all she was wearing. FML
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816
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64
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By Anonymous - 20/6/2021 11:00

Shoulda woulda coulda

Today, I did the math: back at college in 2011, I had a $20,000+ reimbursement from my school. If I had invested even half my cash into Bitcoin then ($2.50), I would be worth over $120,000,000. Instead, I said, "Fuck that! This is stupid", and am now over $200,000 in student loan debt. FML
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621
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By Anonymous - 20/6/2021 08:01

Classic mistake

Today, as a nursing student, I needed to take a blood sample from someone and the veins on his arms weren't really easy to draw blood from. I asked him, "Can I please look at your legs?" It turns out he was amputated. FML
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By Anonymous - 19/6/2021 21:01

Postman Pat

Today, I got a callback for a job, asking for an interview. I got very excited but also anxious because it's my first job after graduating from uni. While I was on call scheduling the interview, I realised I'd accidentally applied to the Royal Post to be a mailman. Now I have to call again and explain. FML
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By Anonymous - 19/6/2021 19:01 - United States - Los Angeles

Workers of the world unite

Today, the day before I was supposed to go back to work after I got sick, ended up in the hospital, and primary doctor put me on medical leave, I got fired. FML
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Nearly  
Today, while I was really high, I pissed myself in front of my girlfriend. FML
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  Today, I’ve been married for 8 days and I haven’t had sex with my wife since then. I’m 24 and she’s 20. FML
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  Today, I found out my mom is sleeping with my boss. My dad doesn’t know yet. FML
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  Today, it’s been over 15 months since I’ve had sex with my fiancé. We’re getting married next month. Now I'm wondering if we’ll have sex at all on our...
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