All the FMLs

Life imitates art

By Oh my goodness - 26/09/2022 15:00 - United States

Today, I was lying on the couch when saw the Airheads commercial where a jump-roping construction worker falls and lands on his nuts and says, in a deadpan tone, "Oh my goodness." A few minutes later, my cat jumped from the table and landed on my nuts, and I said, "Oh my goodness" with the very same inflection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13

You deserved it 5

I'm only sleeping

By Anonymous - 26/09/2022 19:30

Today, I woke up at noon after barely sleeping. I've been diagnosed with sleeping disorders, so this isn't out of the ordinary. The issue is, my boyfriend doesn't think it's a big deal, and is mad at me for wanting to stay in bed after he got up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 109

You deserved it 22

Thanks, I guess…

By omfgmaya - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Denmark

Today, my boyfriend took me to his place to meet his parents. When they saw me, they laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 455

You deserved it 3 939

Infrastructurally deprived

By Anonymous - 26/09/2022 14:30

Today, I learned the “almost complete” transit that would cut my commute in half is delayed at least another year. When I chose my high school, they said it would be complete by the year’s end. I’m a senior now and it definitely won’t be done before my graduation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 279

You deserved it 35

Seek help

By Anonymous - 26/09/2022 12:00

Today, my girlfriend chose to hate-stalk her ex-best friend's social media, then angrily rant to me for over an hour about what she saw. This happens three or four times a week. They last spoke over a decade ago. The last time I suggested therapy, she didn't speak to me for a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 388

You deserved it 81

Brain rot

By Anonymous - 26/09/2022 03:30 - Canada

Today, I excitedly started my first university psychology course. Enthusiastic and ready to learn, I listened as my teacher introduced himself. Turns out he's a major transphobe, who is in cahoots with the likes of Jordan Peterson and Ray Blanchard. Only 12 weeks to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 329

You deserved it 370

Bad hair day

By Faithy - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I got flustered because my hair straightener wasn't working. It took me fifteen minutes to realize I hadn't turned it on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 804

You deserved it 48 619

Rubbing it in

By GET A ROOM - 26/09/2022 04:30

Today, I heard the very loud buzzing of a fly nearby, and I felt a tingly sensation on my arm. I thought there was a fly on my arm; I was half-right. There were, in fact, two flies having sex on my arm. That's something I will never unsee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 409

You deserved it 86

Golden child

By Anonymous - 26/09/2022 01:00 - United Kingdom - Aldershot

Today, my mom, dad, and little brother all adore my boyfriend, and treat him like a son. When he’s here, he gets more family love than I do. I’ve wanted to dump him for weeks because we’re really not working out, but I know that if I do my entire family will pitch a fit, and bug me to take him back FML

I agree, your life sucks 541

You deserved it 105

AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!

By WhataStrangeTripThisIs - 25/09/2022 23:30

Today, I was born and raised in Georgia, and later moved to Florida for college. I'm not sure which state has more embarrassing representation right now. I'm literally scared of what new laws might be passed, or what rights taken away. I wish I had enough money to move to another country. FML

I agree, your life sucks 547

You deserved it 307

How very dare you?

By Anonymous - 25/09/2022 20:00 - United Kingdom

Today, in court, I was called a "pompous little gnome" by the woman I was there suing, for destroying my front garden with weed killer. The judge agreed with her and threw the case out for lack of evidence it was actually her that destroyed my garden. FML

I agree, your life sucks 543

You deserved it 99

Priorities

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, I started having chest pains and shortness of breath. I thought I was having a heart attack and I asked my husband to take me to the hospital. He told me to wait because he'd just ordered a pizza. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 914

You deserved it 3 288

The wagon

By Mariah - 25/09/2022 16:00

Today, after waiting two days for my ADD med because of "insurance issues", I was told it's out-of-stock. I have one pill left, and the pharmacy isn't open on the weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 590

You deserved it 91

Jackson Galaxy moment

By Foreigner Fail - 25/09/2022 13:30

Today, I meowed at my cat and he got really close to me. I then meowed again and he punched me in the face. Them's fightin' words, it seems. FML

I agree, your life sucks 478

You deserved it 231

B movie

By RUNNNNNNNNNN - 25/09/2022 11:00

Today, a kid threw a rock at a beehive while my friend and I where standing next to it. It fell down, and a swarm of slightly displeased bees assumed that we were the culprit. Knowing what was about to happen, my friend and I ran for our lives. He ran fast enough to escape; I didn't. The kid, the actual culprit, didn't get attacked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 633

You deserved it 64

Trapped

By Anonymous - 25/09/2022 08:30

Today, I'm realizing the woman I've been in love with for 8 years has become completely disinterested in me. I can't even connect on a basic, "How was your day?" level without her her zoning out or getting lost in her phone, only to apologize when I say something and then not even ask what I had to say. We have 2 kids now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 747

You deserved it 83

Wildin'

By sadsadteacher - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I had to tell some of my students to stop eating glue. I teach high school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 893

You deserved it 725

A right bunch of berks

By Anonymous - 25/09/2022 02:30 - United Kingdom

Today, I met my boyfriend's family. He calls his parents things like “geriatric hag” and “old clown”. I was about to yell at him, but they started calling him “nancy boy” and “nerd”. Apparently they love each other, but only communicate through abuse. I can’t believe I may soon marry into this mess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 465

You deserved it 964

A wild TERF appears

By Anonymous - 25/09/2022 01:00

Today, someone started to scream at me that "I needed Jesus" and that "I would never be a real woman." When they realized I'm a guy with long hair, they got physically angry at me for "lying to them." FML

I agree, your life sucks 903

You deserved it 107

Pizza mystery

By Pick out the picks - 24/09/2022 15:30 - United States

Today, I picked out a toothpick from a pizza. This is not the first time I've had to do this. It is also not the first time that I didn't see it until less than a second before I bit down on the piece with the toothpick embedded in it. Looks like there's a toothpick assassin on the loose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 661

You deserved it 79

Startled

By Achoo - 24/09/2022 13:00 - United States

Today, I tried to introduce myself to the stray cat outside my house. As it turns out, this cat is very friendly. He got up and started climbing on my shoulders like a parrot, sniffing me everywhere. Then I sneezed and he fell, scratching my back and neck very badly as he did so. FML

I agree, your life sucks 680

You deserved it 238

Useful idiot

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. He said he would have done it two weeks ago but he needed someone to drive him around while his car was getting repaired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 883

You deserved it 4 490

Phasing out

By Anonymous - 24/09/2022 18:30 - India - Hyderabad

Today, I just started working in my core job domain, and all the guys working with me are giving up on their their jobs, because there's no future for it. It sucks being a mechanical design engineer in a country full of IT companies who just want us to convert. FML

I agree, your life sucks 649

You deserved it 93

Noped out of there

By Anonymous - 24/09/2022 11:30 - United Kingdom

Today, my wife and teen daughter are at the point where their monthly cycles have synced, so when I got home and heard them screaming at each other, I quietly closed the door so they couldn’t hear me, and like a coward I hid in my car until the screaming stopped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 067

You deserved it 171

Couch fights!

By Butters - 24/09/2022 16:00 - Australia - Lathlain

Today, it's my wedding day. I broke a toe on the couch while turning on the lights in the hotel room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 781

You deserved it 85

Lost in translation

By Anonymous - 24/09/2022 07:30

Today, in an idle moment I tried to change the language on a Word document. Instead, I changed my default Office language, and now all my Office apps - plus all my work Excel files - are now in Ukrainian. It's really hard to fix when you can't read the instructions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 385

You deserved it 642

Look out!

By Danger. Hard Hat Area. - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff - United States - Philadelphia

Today, while walking past a construction site on my way to class, a hard hat fell off a roof and hit me on the head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 800

You deserved it 552

That's kind of a big issue

By Anonymous - 24/09/2022 02:30

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years, who I love with every fiber in my body, just told me that he's not attracted to me. Not in any way, shape, or form. FML

I agree, your life sucks 936

You deserved it 82

Grifting

By ted - 24/09/2022 00:00

Today, my boss bitched me out for accepting a fake £100 note. It was a genuine note, but he couldn't believed someone would actually use such a note at a KFC. When I protested, he took it further and deducted the “lost profits” from my pay. The man is an asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 997

You deserved it 74

Diagnosis unconfirmed

By Anonymous - 23/09/2022 21:30

Today, I've been suffering from unbearable headache, fever, agonizing body pain for more than ten days. I took a COVID test, an antibiotic tablets course, even a dengue test. Finally after spending my entire bank balance on tests and MRI, it was diagnosed as a migraine - which went away with a single tablet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 766

You deserved it 205

Nearly

Today, I saw video of someone whom I took for moral authority for many years justifying Putin's war with Ukraine.. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31

You deserved it 7

Today, I feel terrible. I forgot to take my meds last night and feel like I'll barf if I get up. I have a huge test in 3 days, so I'm anxious and now also disoriented and nauseous. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33

You deserved it 11

Spicy

I agree, your life sucks 409

You deserved it 86

Today, my 17 year-old daughter texted me, “Mom I’m pregnat” Yes, exactly how you see it spelled. She’s a senior in high school. Oh, and she doesn’t know who the father is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 972

You deserved it 260