The best jokes about life

Today, I discovered that it is not, in fact, normal for ones hands to randomly stop working sometimes. I thought I was just clumsy. FML

By is. - 8/4/2021 00:30

A bug, not a feature

Today, I told my boyfriend I’m pregnant. He told me not to worry, he’d pay child support until it’s 18, and he’d be moved out of our flat by Friday. When I asked him why, he told me not to be stupid, no way was he being trapped into raising a kid. He didn’t even ask if it was a boy or girl. FML

By Anonymous - 7/4/2021 23:00

Overreaction Man

180

130

Today, I got home to my son holding his brother down with one foot on his chest and both hands on a pair of pliers, trying to pull out his infected tooth, looking like some sort of redneck, hillbilly comedy sketch. I half expected to hear sound effects in the background. FML

By Ethan - 7/4/2021 20:30 - United Kingdom - London

Time for the dentist

158

Today, I learned to keep your posts private on social media. Your boss might find your Facebook status updates saying, “I hate this shitty 9-5, I want to be on a beach with a margarita.” I got a call from him saying, “You’re terminated from the shitty 9-5, so you don’t have to anymore. Enjoy the beach!” FML

By Anonymous - 7/4/2021 20:00

Never go public

510

Today I’ve been called a prude, a misogynist, a controlling bastard and worse all because I have a problem with my girlfriend masturbating for strangers online. She has an OnlyFans and I hate it. FML

By not a fan - 7/4/2021 08:00 - United States

Sex workers unite!

517

110

Today, my family decided it'd be a great idea to berate me for not being excited enough for my brother and his wife's baby news. They told us on my birthday, adding that if I wasn't so fat I'd have one too. I have insulin-resistant PCOS. FML

By Anonymous - 7/4/2021 14:00

Happy Birthday, I guess…

483

Today, I was having a chuckle at the girl who used to torment me since she’s on her fourth marriage. Then I realized she’s gotten four handsome, rich men to marry her, while I’m still hopelessly single and haven’t had a boyfriend since high school. FML

By singlepringle - 7/4/2021 01:57 - United States

Love is hell

363

159

Today, my step-son broke his glasses. Our doctor said he would no longer see us because my step-son is transgender, and a new law in our state allows him to do this. Apparently, it was foolish to be honest on medical forms. Finals are in a month but we have to find a new doctor before he can even study. FML

By Anonymous - 7/4/2021 01:58 - United States

Evil eye doctor

695

189

Today, I dropped some food on the floor and picked it back up, took a bite, and quickly realised it had toenail cuttings in it. I never cut my toenails in my dining room. FML

By Anonymous - 7/4/2021 04:00 - United Kingdom

Spice

257

487

Today, my Apple Watch notified me that my long-term exposure to loud noises may be dangerous to my hearing. I’ve been crying since my SO left. FML

By Anonymous - 7/4/2021 02:00

Significant other

574

109

Today my girlfriend actually moved during sex. I love her, but she's so awful in bed. FML

By Anonymoys - 6/4/2021 23:30 - United Kingdom

Talk to her!

552

195

Today, I’m getting so old that the local radio station that plays the “old classics” is playing songs I listened to in high school. FML

By Anonymous - 6/4/2021 16:00 - United States - Wilton

Classic story

561

Today, I was called a whore by my own parents, simply because I’ve never had a relationship that lasted longer than a month. Everyone I’ve ever dated has dumped me. FML

By mere - 6/4/2021 21:30

Nice parents you've got there

692

Today, my seven-year-old niece gave me a birthday card. Only she'd spelled my name as ‘Jenny.’ When I told her it was spelled with an i instead of a y, she cried. FML

By jenni - 6/4/2021 20:00

I didn't mean to hurt you, I'm sorry that I made you cry

276

676

Today, I slept in the same room as my girlfriend for the first time. She is sweet, smart, and drop-dead gorgeous, so naturally I thought she was going to be the one. Until she farted in her sleep. 56 times. FML

By single again - 6/4/2021 17:00

Women shouldn't fart?

235

1214

Today, our 9-year-old daughter was removed from our home and placed into a home for children too violent to function in a family setting. I can't stop crying but my wife hasn't been this happy in years. She was actually smiling as our daughter was restrained and forced out the front door. FML

By Andrew Cab - 6/4/2021 13:00 - United Kingdom

Relief

1396

239

Today, I realized my boyfriend rather qualifies as a pet: He loves eating, he hardly ever talks or listens, but he is cuddly, always enjoys having me around and can – within limits - be trained to do useful things. FML

By Anonymous - 6/4/2021 11:00 - Germany - Papenburg

Good boy

633

166

Today, my doctor told me if my blood pressure gets any higher, he could use me to reinflate the air in his tyres. FML

By Anon - 6/4/2021 07:00 - United Kingdom

Tense

614

Today, I got a call from my mom's new husband. It lasted 3 minutes and those 3 minutes were of him telling me how sad I make my mom for just existing, how jealous I make her because I'm living a life she wished she was. Turns out, she told him to call me and say that because I have her blocked. FML

By psychobunnycutie - 6/4/2021 05:00

Narcissistic parents strike again

991

Today, I told the guy I liked about my feelings, and he says, "Sorry I don’t like you, but can I get your sister's number?" FML

By Emily - 5/4/2021 20:00 - United States - Greenville

Not you, her

826

Today, my boyfriend promised me to cook dinner if I picked him up from work, almost 100 km and 2-hour drive. I did this even though I worked the night shift yesterday and had to today and normally have to sleep a lot. But no, after we got home, he fell asleep and was still sleeping and snoring when I had to go. FML

By IHateMyLife - 6/4/2021 00:30

Promises, promises

980

125

Today, I discovered that I have a condition in which saliva frequently falls out of my mouth for no apparent reason. I’m 17. FML

By yuna - 5/4/2021 22:59

Mouthwatering

737

Today, my ten-year-old daughter now has a habit of going up to random strangers and acting all scared before pointing behind them and whispering, "El Diablo." FML

By maria lucia - 5/4/2021 21:30

Weird kid

662

143

Today, my neighbor heard me scream and decided to call the cops because she thought I was being murdered. Nope, just stubbed my toe. FML

By saya - 5/4/2021 20:00

Screamo

590

174

Today, I was screamed at for not doing the dishes because I was exhausted. Last year, when my arm was broken, I did all my chores without complaint. I don’t know how to explain to my parents that I’d much, much rather work with a broken arm than while tired. FML

By illusia - 5/4/2021 16:58

It's complicated

645

Today, at the age of 21, I learned that the phrase, “A stitch in time saves nine” is not about traveling back in time and saving nine people. FML

By llamaborn - 5/4/2021 14:00

Dr Who

232

556

Today, I had an Easter Egg Hunt in my backyard for my kids. When they collected all the eggs, they opened them and to their dismay there was no candy inside. When I bought them, I thought they already came with candy. It’s been two hours and my kids won’t stop crying. FML

By PooperParty - 5/4/2021 11:00

Crybabies

305

1350

Today, my natural body odor has gotten so bad that despite wearing 20 swipes of men’s deodorant under each armpit and taking three showers a day with an entire bottle of body wash, I still smell like a cross between onions and hot garbage. I’m a woman. FML

By ytho - 5/4/2021 00:00 - United States - Denver

Stinky

962

114

Today, my workplace replaced all of the toilets in the store with automatic toilets. I have an anxiety disorder, and I can't use them. FML

By anomynous - 5/4/2021 05:00

Freaked out

594

276