Your everyday life stories

212

Today, I had my hair done for the first time in 3 years. I loved it. My boyfriend told me I look like his ex. FML

By hannieannie - 12/7/2020 02:02

His type

310

Today, I took my dog out for his walk, only to find out that I had an extra bra hanging vertically out of my pants. Thankfully, the only person who saw me was the maintenance guy, who looked very confused, so I just smiled at him. I had no idea why, I only realized when the wind blew it against my leg and I saw my shadow. FML

By Anonymous - 11/7/2020 23:06

Dangling modifier

342

Today, I realized my boyfriend is a little too much like my ex ,who passed away 6 years ago. Some days, it's as if I'm dating his personality doppleganger. FML

By Anonymous - 11/7/2020 20:01

Twinned

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Today, I live on the second floor and my neighbor from below banged on my door, telling me I sounded like a giant elephant and needed to learn to be quiet. I was eating ice cream in bed. I also live alone. FML

By Anonymous - 11/7/2020 17:02

Everybody needs good neighbours

647

Today, at work I was sitting on the toilet and a coworker came in and yelled, “That sounded like a big one!” and wouldn't leave until I left came out of the stall. FML

By Anonymous - 11/7/2020 14:01

Office world is hell

675

Today, I found out that my 'dad', the man who couldn't afford to buy me a bed, despite sleeping on the floor for 3+ years, has spent well over $3000 on sex chat lines, as well as cheating us out of child payments. He doesn't understand why I refuse to talk to him. FML

By littl3storm - 11/7/2020 08:08

Dad of the month

904

Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend, he had his head on my chest and we both fell asleep. Suddenly, I woke up by my boyfriend biting my nipple, hard, in his sleep. I now need to go to the pharmacy because of a bleeding nipple. FML

By Alwayspotato - 11/7/2020 05:02

Bittie

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Today, I was in an Uber with a friend I hadn't seen in 7 years. I was just catching her up on my daily life when my Uber driver decided to chime into our conversation and kindly inform me that: "[I] should be a stand-up comedian." He literally thought my life was a joke. FML

By chap - 11/7/2020 02:01

Monetize your shit life

818

110

Today, my fiancé and I decided to just have a small wedding and have a big reception later, out of concern for everyone’s health and safety. My mother won’t stop asking us, “What’s the point now?” I thought our marriage was the point. FML

By Anonymous - 10/7/2020 23:01

Covid 19 ain't going anywhere

943

Today, my long distance boyfriend sent me a Snap of him fucking another girl. When he realized he'd sent it to me, he called me, trying to explain, "it's not what it looks like. It was meant for the boys." Two days ago, I made plans to visit him. Guess who's out money and single. FML

By Anonymous - 10/7/2020 20:02

My ex the dumbass

1303

Today, just like at every gynecologist's appointment in the last 5 years, I had to yet again explain that no, I'm not a virgin at 27 because I'm waiting till marriage, I'm just a loser that no-one wants to sleep with. FML

By foreveralone - 10/7/2020 17:04

Waiting for that special someone

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Today, I haven’t been camping since I was a kid. I decided to give it another shot. I bought all the best equipment, researched all the great locations, planned a whole weekend. Turns out I still fucking hate camping and now I’m out over $400. FML

By not outdoorsy - 10/7/2020 14:02

The call of the wild

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Today, my company published "return to work" procedures for when the pandemic stops. HQ is in Maryland, I live in Arizona. I have worked remotely for the last 8 years. My new boss didn't know this. He wants me to move back to Maryland or find another job. FML

By fml9124 - 10/7/2020 08:01

Unreasonable

1424

Today, a woman I’ve liked for years falsely claimed to be strung out on crystal meth rather than just turning me down. FML

By Anonymous - 10/7/2020 05:00

High on emotion

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Today, my mom fought with me again for missing an "important" 4th of July family barbecue. I was working until the morning, finishing grad school applications. There are always family events, and also apparently my brother missing the same barbecue to party with friends is perfectly fine. FML

By Anonymous - 10/7/2020 02:02

Higher standards

1126

Today, my fiancé and I were discussing whether we should have a gun in the house or not. He argued that I’m too clumsy to have one. Offended, I turned around to storm off. I hit my forehead on the cabinet I'd left open and immediately started gushing blood. Point proved. FML

By oof - 9/7/2020 23:01

Boom, headshot

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Today, my boyfriend, who I have been seeing for a year, decided to tell me that he has herpes and has not taken any precautions to stop it from passing on. We have had unprotected sex quite a lot over the last year, so now I most likely have herpes too. FML

By Anonymous - 9/7/2020 20:02

Wrap it

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Today, I learned that the $30 plant that I've been tediously tending to and extremely proud of for thriving is actually just a subspecies of ragweed. FML

By Alyxandrea Loffer - 9/7/2020 17:02

Green fingers

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Today, I'm going to get my first tattoo. Too bad it's inside my colon so the surgeon can mark the section to remove. FML

By Wanderlei Santos - 9/7/2020 14:03

Deep ink

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Today, my mom wanted to surprise me by buying me a hamster. When I got into her car, I was actually surprised and even said, "Hi" to the hamster. When we got home, the hamster was dead. FML

By Karlo Kračun - 9/7/2020 08:08

Poor Mr Nibbles

1205

Today, my mother-in-law, who isn't southern, who’s family isn’t southern, and has never even mentioned any interest in anything even remotely southern, decided to give us a baby gift: a hand-crocheted confederate flag blanket. We’re an interracial couple. I think she’s trying to tell me something. FML

By uh huh sure - 9/7/2020 05:01

Subtle

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Today, I went over to confront my parents about how my siblings always get to visit and all I do when I’m over is work on their house or take care of grandma. My mom was very upset. Then she snuck out with my sister, leaving me to take care of grandma until she got back. FML

By Merserve - 9/7/2020 02:00

Shackled

1354

Today, I'm sharing an apartment in a foreign country with my soon-to-be ex. There are 6 months left on the contract, so we both decided to live here until then to save money. She earns enough to afford her own place. Me on the other hand… FML

By Hapaboy808 - 8/7/2020 23:01

The final countdown

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By Alan - 8/7/2020 20:01

The Best of the Worst of FML #90

Here's a selection of some of the worst, unpublishable FMLs we've received over the years. Read them and weep!

Today my marriage is one week away. Despite all the challenges we faced during COVID, we powered through everything. Today is also the day my work decided to tell me they're letting me go. I now have to either go on my improvised honeymoon or job hunt. FML

By Anonymous - 8/7/2020 17:00

Decisions, decisions

1210

Today, I found out my son's girlfriend is actually a webcam porn star he pays for private sessions. He’s somehow convinced himself they have a real relationship, and is spending thousands of pounds every week, on his credit card I may add. FML

By Anonymous - 8/7/2020 14:01

Love knows no boundaries

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Today, I found out where all my favourite things have been disappearing to: the garbage bin, one item at a time, courtesy of my girlfriend, who it seems wants me in a suit reading the Financial Times on a Saturday, instead of my favourite Jedi dressing gown reading Game of Thrones. FML

By Anonymous - 8/7/2020 08:02

Don't touch my stuff

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Today, my mom screamed at me for not cleaning out the coffee machine. When I told her that wasn’t part of my chores and she never asked me to do it, she screamed at me for not doing it out of the kindness of my heart. FML

By TheSentinel05 - 8/7/2020 05:00

You should know!

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