Your everyday life stories

Today, my ex-boyfriend sent me a photo of him getting head from a gorgeous woman. He captioned it “Jealous?” with smiley emojis. I’m not sure what’s creepier, the fact that he sent it, that he even has my new number or that we broke up more than 8 years ago. FML

By huh? - 18/9/2019 13:00 - United States - Monterey Park

Creepy Dick Pic

259

Today, while joking and chatting with a coworker on my way to the bathroom, I misjudged the distance to the entrance and slammed my head into the wall. My coworker told everyone. So now I'm funny, but not for the reason I wanted to be. FML

By Anonymous - 18/9/2019 20:00

Head, meet wall

248

Today, I showed my parents the latest excerpt from my first book. It's about narratology. My dad thought I was writing about meat. He read "peaks and valleys" as "pork and veal." FML

By yudencow - 18/9/2019 18:00

Reading skills

309

Today, my boyfriend asked my dad why he gave me the nickname "Bear," which he has called me since I was very little. My dad responded, "Because she has a hairy back." FML

By Anonymous - 18/9/2019 16:00

Venus in Furs

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Today, I got a new mattress delivered to my house. Didn’t have it on the frame for more than 5 minutes before my cat had already pissed on it. FML

By Anonymous - 18/9/2019 14:00

Cats gonna cat

518

130

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend about how hard it is to wash long hair. While I was talking, he interrupted and said, "Wait, you actually wash your hair?" FML

By Wowseriously - 18/9/2019 12:00 - United States

Dumpster Fire Boyfriend

570

Today, while interviewing for a job, I was greeted by the interviewer with a handshake and a greeting of, "Hello Victoria, my name is Bill." I responded with, "Hello. My name is Bill." I think it's safe to assume I didn't get the job. FML

By Victoria - 18/9/2019 06:00 - Australia - Perth

My name is?

648

196

Today, a teacher asked me to edit a video of her class. Unfamiliar with cameras that work with video tape, I accidentally recorded over her video. The footage is impossible for me to get back. FML

By Anonymous - 18/9/2019 04:02 - United Kingdom - Southampton

WTF VHS?

622

519

Today, I fired all 12 of my employees, purely out of anger and frustration. Realizing my mistake when I'd calmed down, I called each employee and apologized, asking if they'd come back. Only one said yes. The mailroom clerk. FML

By Terrible Boss - 18/9/2019 02:04 - United States

Stability

199

3367

Today, I had to go to the ER because of a terrible allergic reaction I had to the cookies my "friend" made for me. She assured me several times that there were no nuts in them. Turns out, she put nuts in them on purpose, to see whether or not I was really allergic. FML

By Anonymous - 18/9/2019 00:01 - United States

Criminal Minds

1515

Today, my boyfriend encouragingly told me that he could tell I was losing weight, all because I had one roll fewer than usual on my stomach. FML

By anon - 17/9/2019 22:00

Roll with it

915

184

Today, my son took some of my underwear to school. What's worse is he sold it to his classmate for $10. FML

By Anonymous - 17/9/2019 20:00 - New Zealand - Wellington

Market crash

1115

Today, after months of searching for any kind of work, I finally received a call. It was McDonald's, but they said I was overqualified for the position. I thought they took anyone with a heart rate. Apparently not. FML

By Anonymous - 17/9/2019 18:00 - United States - Baton Rouge

No BigMac for you

1060

Today, my mom introduced me to everyone we met as her "special needs child." They all seemed to believe her. FML

By BDSarah - 17/9/2019 16:00

Special

1044

Today, I was yelled at and fired by my boss. He claimed that I've been sleeping with his wife. I've never met his wife. FML

By Anonymous - 17/9/2019 14:00

Alexa, play "It Wasn't Me" by Shaggy

1261

Today, my little sister took a dump in our bath tub right before we were leaving for soccer practice. When my mom found it, she blamed it on me, then made me pick it up with my bare hands. FML

By Katie - 17/9/2019 12:01 - United States

The Bathtub Incident

1274

Today, I found out that my parents think my boyfriend is the devil. FML

By Emily - 17/9/2019 08:00

Pleased to meet you, hope you guess my name

930

114

Today, I had to tell my 4 year-old, "I'm wiping my butt right now, I can't get you a drink. Please wait a minute." I distinctly heard my neighbor laughing through the bathroom window. FML

By Lauren Davies - 17/9/2019 06:00

Paper-thin walls

1065

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Today, my mom told me I wouldn't be able to take driver's education until at least my sixteenth birthday, because I'm, "Not ready to drive a car." Isn't that the whole point of driver's ed? FML

By Anonymous - 17/9/2019 04:00

Parked, indefinitely

975

263

Today, my ex-boyfriend, who refers to himself in the third person on a regular basis, told me that I often act entitled. FML

By Mike - 17/9/2019 02:02 - United States - Los Angeles

The Nerve!

984

146

Today, my roommate whipped my face with a frozen chicken cutlet. My cheek is now the size of the chicken cutlet, and now he won't drive me to the hospital because it's "too funny to look at." FML

By bigbuldge - 17/9/2019 00:01

Roommate From Hell

1217

102

Today, I was filling out an application for a job at a local pet store. At the end of it, they wanted a paragraph about any pets I had. After a while, I found myself finishing a 3-page essay about them. That's the longest essay I've ever written. FML

By I Heart My Cats and Dogs - 16/9/2019 22:01

Pet Store Madness

925

340

Today, I got pulled over for speeding. After the cop asked for my license, he started laughing when he saw my picture. FML

By ACAB - 16/9/2019 20:00 - Australia

Officer McGiggles

1108

153

Today, on my birthday, my mother described my birth like a large, painful bowel movement in front of all my friends. FML

By Anonymous - 16/9/2019 18:00 - United States

Dumpy baby

1092

103

Today, a girl that I've been falling for told me that she's married. But not to worry, that "won't get in the way of 'us'." FML

By Anonymous - 16/9/2019 10:00 - United States

Sounds healthy

1304

100

Today, my grandfather found my diary laying in the living room, and for some reason thought it was an interesting reading material. Oh well, he found out that I'm a lesbian, then panicked and basically outed me to my entire family. I really hope they have reservations in Hell. FML

By Anonymous - 16/9/2019 14:00

Out and about

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514

Today, I accidentally rammed my finger into my desk, and it felt like I'd broken it. Yelping in pain, I fell over onto my bed, missed it, and landed on the floor. My dog saw this as a good opportunity to climb on top of me and start humping. FML

By Anonymous - 16/9/2019 12:00 - United States - New York

Showtime

1190

211

Today, I got an e-mail at work about payroll cuts. After our annual cost of living raise two weeks ago, I make $0.30 more per hour, but with my hours getting cut, I'll make $80 less per paycheck. That's two weeks of groceries. I can't afford my vacation next week now either. FML.

By Anonymous - 16/9/2019 08:28

Snakes and Ladders

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103

Hey my FML got published! First off, I'm a guy, so... that's weird. (They fixed it. Thank you!) Second, to those of you who took precious time out of your day to give me the brilliant idea to get another job... obviously. I've been applying like crazy for weeks already and hoping something will land. About the suggestion that I work overtime... what? No? Payroll cuts mean I can't even work my usual...

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2019 06:01 - United Kingdom - London

Damian?

Today, while babysitting, I got stabbed by a 7 year-old with a mechanical pencil. FML

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