The best jokes about life

Today, it’s my birthday. My boyfriend handed me this month’s rental statement with “Paid” written in red ink. He says it’s my gift, because, "that shit adds up every month" and I should be "grateful" that I have a roof over my head for another month instead of being "materialistic." FML

By Anonymous - 17/7/2021 04:01

Nice guys

Today, I made a mosaic for my grandma out of her old crockery, after I had finished it, I found out from a neighbour that some of the plates looked like Wedgewood. So I dug through the stuff that I didn't use. It turns out the original lot would have been worth about £2000. With the stuff left, I'd be lucky to get £100. FML

By Anonymous - 17/7/2021 02:00

Antiques Roadshow

273

Today, it's been 10 months of a sexless marriage. Also my 10-month wedding anniversary. We waited until marriage, and she hasn't wanted me since. FML

By Anonymous - 17/7/2021 00:01

Don't you want me, baby?

318

Today, my husband is terminal and insisted on making his last confession. Long story short, the priest came out pale and sweating and told me, in no uncertain terms, that my husband is definitely going to Hell, but won’t tell me why. FML

By Anonymous - 16/7/2021 22:01

"Tubular Bells" starts playing…

388

Today, out of pure desperation and loneliness, I went out with my ex-boyfriend. It ended with him hitting me and driving off with my car. He's in jail now. What was I thinking? FML

By WhataStrangeTripThisIs - 16/7/2021 20:01

Don't look back

316

260

Today, I found out that my best friend and I are pregnant. This would be much more exciting if my boyfriend wasn’t the father of both. FML

By Anonymous - 16/7/2021 18:01

Spreading

544

Today, I accidentally texted my very strict and judgemental mom instead of my boyfriend. The text said, "I wanna lick ice cream off your dick." FML

By Anonymous - 16/7/2021 16:01

The classic switcheroo

184

555

Today, I went kayaking with some friends, and I had an empty beer can dedicated to throwing cigarette butts in. After running out of beer, I took a big swig from the only can in my kayak. Twice. FML

By Jensen - 16/7/2021 07:01 - United States - Hoffman Estates

Need beer now

116

737

Today, my daughter expressed wanting to lose weight so I took her to a licensed dietician nutritionist to get her a healthy eating plan, and even made her an appointment with a personal trainer to get her on track. I walked in on her eating a whole box of laxatives, because "this way is faster." FML

By that’s not how it works - 16/7/2021 02:01 - United States

Fuck your "beach body" noise

599

Today, I finally got my first job offer in my desired career field at the city animal shelter. I have a bachelor's degree in Animal Science, two minors, and I graduated with honors. The job I was offered? Cleaning kennels, part-time, on weekends. FML

By It_gets_better - 16/7/2021 08:11

First step

959

174

OP here. I realize no matter where I go I'd start at an entry-level job; but even most entry level jobs that require a degree would pay the bills for my family. My biggest disappointment is that I was only offered a barely above minimum wage, part-time job, after a three-month application process. I spent hours watching recorded meetings and looking over the shelter's statistics and brainstorming...

It_gets_better tells us more :

By Anonymous - 16/7/2021 07:59

I KNOW!

Today, my boyfriend mansplained to me that because Loki likes both boys and girls, he’s bi, not gay. I’m bi, and my boyfriend knows this. FML

371

112

Today, a friend came over to meet my new dog. The dog got excited and accidentally peed on him. I went to the kitchen to get something to clean it up. When I came back, my new dog was covered in my friend's pee. My friend claimed that peeing on my dog "showed dominance." FML

By Josh - 16/7/2021 06:01 - United States

Social science

725

Today, I have a skin disease that causes my arms and legs to have small, but noticeable, red bumps on them. Trying to stay confident, I put on a swimsuit and went to the pool, only to be bumped into by a cute guy, who then asked why my arms were so "bumpy and disgusting." FML

By Anonymous - 16/7/2021 04:01

Bumpy ride

521

Today, I was walking home from the gym. An old man in his car rolled down the window and drove slowly next to me. He pulled out a camera, took a picture of me and said, "It's gonna be a fun night!" and then drove off. FML

By justicewargrave - 16/7/2021 02:01

Drive by shooting

602

Today, I paid $140 extra to get more comfort during a flight. The man behind me was so tall that his legs didn't let me recline the seat, and complained every time I tried to during the night. FML

By BackHurts - 16/7/2021 00:01 - Canada

Packed in

487

137

Today, my boss confided that he doesn't like having interns in the workplace, because he finds it insulting that someone who hasn't finished their education can do our jobs. My boss frequently brags about being a high school dropout. FML

By Zubat - 15/7/2021 22:01

Mirror, mirror

607

Today, I was woken up by the sound of someone in my room. I started freaking out, thinking someone had broken in, so I kicked them, only to realise it was my boyfriend coming back from the toilet. I'd forgotten he was staying over. FML

By Anonymous - 15/7/2021 20:01 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Not a morning person

394

427

Today, I went out to eat with friends. My crush was also at the restaurant with his friends. He smiled at me as I took a mouthful of food, and I choked. The waitress had to perform the Heimlich maneuver on me, while he and his friends fell off their chairs laughing. FML

By embarrassing - 15/7/2021 18:01

Choked

660

108

Today, while in line for my prescription, my daughter was interrogating the man behind us. I'm a single mother. She asked the man, "Do you think my mom is pretty? Want to go on a date with her?" When he told her he was married, she replied, "So? You can get a divorce." FML

By singlemom - 15/7/2021 16:01

Thanks for the help

721

117

Today, I found out my mother would rather sleep than attend my soccer games, volleyball tournaments, or see me win any awards. However, she was present to see the dog get potty trained, filming the whole thing. FML

By Dina - 15/7/2021 14:01

Golden child

694

Today, I met up with a couple I know, who wanted to introduce me to someone. I thought they were setting me up with her, but no. They were coming out as polyamorous, and she was their new girlfriend. FML

By Fourth Wheel - 15/7/2021 11:01

Leave some for the rest of us

623

Today, I met a friend I hadn't seen in forever. After talking for a while, he says, "I knew there was a reason I stopped talking to you." FML

By XRayXLopez1 - this FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Dallas

Catching up

12852

1589

Today, I was walking my friend’s dog at the park as a favor. A stranger then struck up a little conversation with me about the dog. It turned out that the stranger I talked to was my friend’s landlord, who now knows that my friend was lying about her pet being a service animal and is threatening eviction. FML

By Poor doggo - 15/7/2021 08:01

Social parasites

954

219

Today, my mother-in-law passed away. She wasn’t even cold yet when my wife told me she wanted a divorce. Apparently, only her mother guilt-tripping her kept us together the last few years, but now she’s dead, she’s dumping my ass. FML

By Anonymous - 15/7/2021 06:54

RIP x 2

824

Today, like most days, my mom screamed at me for not knowing the answer to one of her random questions. When I told her she could easily Google it or ask Siri, she went full nuclear meltdown and raged, "I’m not asking that bitch Siri, I’m asking YOU!" The words "batshit crazy" come to mind. FML

By hey Siri save me! - 15/7/2021 04:01

Meltdown

689

Today, I found out my girlfriend is talking to some guy from across the country. When I ask about it, she claims, "Oh he's just a friend, and won't talk to him anymore." Now she's doing it secretly and deleting messages. She has kids, and I care for them and her, but I don't know what to do. FML

By Theo Edwards - 15/7/2021 02:01

Worried

779

Today, when my husband told me years ago he wanted to parent just like his dad used to, I had no idea that meant helping with practical stuff like cooking and nappy changing, but otherwise ignoring our kid's emotional well-being and telling them to buzz off when they try to talk to him. FML

By Anonymous - 15/7/2021 00:01

Distant

634

Today, my boyfriend asked me to untag him in our vacation photos together. Last month, he hid his relationship status and hid every trace of me. He says it’s because he doesn’t want any "social media drama" and people knowing about his "personal life." We’ve been together for 3 years. FML

By Tiff8any - 14/7/2021 21:59

Hiding from the drama

767

107

Today, it was my Sweet 16. My cousin threw a tantrum in the middle of it. She popped balloons, threw chairs around, and threw my gifts off the balcony. Reason being, she turned 16 last year and didn’t get a party. She perhaps forgot that last year we were in a pandemic. FML

By Hailie - 14/7/2021 20:01

Sweet Sixteen

786