By Anonymous - 6/4/2020 23:00 What's your emergency? Today, I found out that because I'm a cop, my 5-year-old son thinks the only way he can contact me is by calling 911. FML I agree, your life sucks 196 You deserved it 36 4 1 2 24 2 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - 6/4/2020 20:00 - Australia Itchy and Scratchy Today, I put a collar on my dog to get rid of his fleas. Good news? He doesn't have fleas anymore. Bad news? They've moved onto the rest of my family. FML I agree, your life sucks 356 You deserved it 63 4 1 7 18 1 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Kelsey Dynes - 6/4/2020 17:00 Meat Market Today, I had a doctor's appointment and my doctor had to examine my abdomen. I'm generally a pretty fit woman. After touching my abdomen, my doctor called me "the perfect specimen" and asked me if I was single because his son is also single. FML I agree, your life sucks 540 You deserved it 67 6 1 25 49 10 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Elissa Roth Gooden - 6/4/2020 14:00 He will Today, I actually got to meet actor George Takei. He was really sweet and charming, and I was just thrilled. When we parted, I wanted to say either, "I'll always remember this" or "I'll never forget this." It came out as, "I'll never remember this." FML I agree, your life sucks 601 You deserved it 113 0 2 6 78 2 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - 6/4/2020 08:00 That sinking feeling… Today, I went to change the toilet paper roll. I failed. It was the last roll of the "right kind," and my wife is "fine" and "not mad." Let the confinement continue. FML I agree, your life sucks 536 You deserved it 178 10 0 7 52 4 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - 6/4/2020 05:00 With any luck, it'll be canceled Today, I found out that my friends finally scheduled their wedding. The entire friend group of the groom, which I am part of, is in the wedding. Except me. If I go I’ll have to watch my boyfriend, who is a groomsman, walk down the aisle with one of the bride’s friends on his arm while I sit alone. FML I agree, your life sucks 718 You deserved it 260 52 2 5 24 12 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - 6/4/2020 03:48 Alexa, play "Don't Stand So Close to Me" by The Police Today, my boss forbade me from seeing my significant other until they relax the quarantine rules. We live in barracks on the same base. I'm terrified of accidentally running into her. FML I agree, your life sucks 1254 You deserved it 129 67 3 26 17 11 Comments Favorite Tweet Share AdrianAmato Say more : They didn't tell me I can't have a relationship with her, just that we can't visit each other anymore (due to the tighter COVID restrictions) even though we live on the same base and people whose girlfriends live off-base can still visit their girlfriends.
By Anonymous - 6/4/2020 02:00 Break it off Today, I found out my fiancée wishes she'd never said yes when I proposed, as she is in love with another man and has been hiding their relationship for years. FML I agree, your life sucks 863 You deserved it 53 64 4 35 4 7 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Jenny - 5/4/2020 23:00 Three is a magic number Today, my 15-year-old daughter told me that she's pregnant. To make matters worse, she doesn't know who the father is. She told me not to worry though, because she has it narrowed down to "like, only 3 guys." FML I agree, your life sucks 1178 You deserved it 241 25 3 138 45 6 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - 5/4/2020 20:00 Captive Today, while eating dinner, my girlfriend looked at me, smiled and said, "I can't tell if this is love or Stockholm Syndrome, but either way I'm happy." I'm not sure what to make of that. FML I agree, your life sucks 838 You deserved it 111 16 3 14 134 6 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By cat_lady - 5/4/2020 17:00 Follow the yellow brown road Today, I watched as my poor old cat dragged his ass across our living room carpet, leaving an equally long shit stain on our pristine carpet. My pleas for him to stop only made his diarrhea worse as he ran off. FML I agree, your life sucks 873 You deserved it 176 19 2 29 61 4 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - 5/4/2020 14:00 The Taste of Love Today, I was watching a romantic comedy at my boyfriend's house. During the make out scene, I decided to go in for a kiss. He apparently decided to belch at the same time. I could taste it. FML I agree, your life sucks 883 You deserved it 176 5 1 14 96 6 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By STOPattheSIGNbitch - 5/4/2020 08:00 Tonight, on Idiots in Cars… Today, a woman in an SUV rolled a stop sign and hit me, resulting in simultaneously twisting my foot in my bike and being knocked into oncoming traffic. Her excuse before I went to the ER? The sun was in her eyes. FML I agree, your life sucks 1085 You deserved it 83 11 3 58 12 8 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - 5/4/2020 05:00 Stuck in the past Today, I found out my boyfriend still writes Twilight fan fiction. FML I agree, your life sucks 879 You deserved it 250 2 5 12 120 5 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - 5/4/2020 02:00 Tactician Today, in the most polite and friendly way I could think of, I told a friend that she's slightly too dramatic about things. She started throwing a fit, deleted my number, and ended our seven-year friendship. FML I agree, your life sucks 1132 You deserved it 193 23 2 18 87 18 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Andy - 4/4/2020 23:00 Stoners of the world unite! Today, I came home to my 60-something year-old father, stoned off his ass, buck naked in our living room doing a spirited rendition of Girls Just Want to Have Fun with an Australian accent and a tambourine. The windows were open. The poor neighborhood children will most likely need therapy. FML I agree, your life sucks 1153 You deserved it 119 4 4 13 164 5 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - 4/4/2020 20:00 That escalated quickly Today, I chipped my front tooth trying to pick up my cat. FML I agree, your life sucks 916 You deserved it 204 17 1 27 42 3 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - 4/4/2020 17:00 Outdoorsy romance Today, I went on a date with a guy I met on Tinder. After chatting in a pub, we went for a walk at the marina nearby. He tried to have sex with me bareback behind the lighthouse. FML I agree, your life sucks 1125 You deserved it 430 36 4 46 54 13 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Cockroachphobic - 4/4/2020 14:00 Creepy crawlies Today, I found out that the small bugs I've been blowing off my pillow all year are in fact baby cockroaches. I discover this when I found two full grown ones crawling around and decided to Google it. FML I agree, your life sucks 970 You deserved it 622 12 2 119 12 5 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - 4/4/2020 05:00 Abandoned Today, I found a baby in a cradle on my doorstep. I was shocked that someone would do this, so I picked it up and uncovered the baby. It was actually a rudimentary stink bomb that went off in my face when I uncovered it. FML I agree, your life sucks 1547 You deserved it 152 12 5 62 91 4 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - 4/4/2020 02:00 Is this dude a puma? Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. Why? Because I became a vegetarian. Apparently, he doesn't believe in "not eating meat." FML I agree, your life sucks 1008 You deserved it 867 19 8 13 84 8 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By DearLord - 3/4/2020 23:00 - Canada Next, on The Jerry Springer Show… Today, I had to explain to my boss that masturbating in public is inappropriate. This isn't the first time this has taken place. FML I agree, your life sucks 1269 You deserved it 75 10 3 110 26 8 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By iamScaredyCat - 3/4/2020 20:00 Stay indoors, it's safer at the moment Today, I was texting while walking up the stairs to my porch. When I looked up, I saw someone standing behind the porch door, and was so scared that I fell backwards down the stairs. Turns out, it was just my reflection. FML I agree, your life sucks 630 You deserved it 1194 5 8 11 164 2 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By STFU! - 3/4/2020 17:00 Caught the bug Today, my girlfriend has been randomly screaming out, “Coronavirus! Hehehe!” in a scarily accurate Cardi B impression. She’s been doing it for days and refuses to stop. I’m starting to think facing the damn virus might be less annoying at this point. FML I agree, your life sucks 1338 You deserved it 147 19 2 8 116 3 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - 3/4/2020 14:00 Hard to bare Today, I was showing my boss a picture on my phone. I didn’t expect her to take my phone from my hand and continue to flip through photos. I anxiously motioned for her to give my phone back, only to realize she had already swiped to my nude picture. FML I agree, your life sucks 1245 You deserved it 506 5 5 91 52 10 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - 3/4/2020 08:00 Not so special Today, the guy I've been dating and sleeping with told me he is also dating another woman, but that they only kiss. I was under the impression we were exclusive for two months now, since I told him if we slept together that it would be. FML I agree, your life sucks 1470 You deserved it 225 85 4 34 19 8 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - 3/4/2020 05:00 Unhygienic or he's a natural hunter-gatherer Today, I found my missing wedding band inside my 2-year old's pull up. It was accompanied by two coins, a Hot Wheels car, a pebble, and a dead bug. FML I agree, your life sucks 1236 You deserved it 221 7 4 28 131 9 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - 3/4/2020 02:00 - South Africa Reasonable dude Today, my fiancé told me that he expects me to agree to quit my job to cook and clean after we get married, or he will not show up at our wedding. He earns minimum wage and my salary is 17 times higher than his. FML I agree, your life sucks 2202 You deserved it 402 35 5 179 61 39 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Hollerz90 - 2/4/2020 23:00 Red Right Hand Today, I came home to find my dad in my room, watching porn on my computer. When I asked him what he was doing, he closed the computer, stood up, stared at me awkwardly and then said, "You should really avoid those sites" and left my room. FML I agree, your life sucks 1510 You deserved it 131 5 7 29 172 3 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Alex Kiwi - 2/4/2020 20:00 Preemptive strike Today, I grounded my son for vaping. However, the coronavirus has already grounded all of us. FML I agree, your life sucks 1184 You deserved it 275 6 3 4 115 4 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
Today waiting in the deli line at the store, a woman stood directly next to me. I panicked and tried to move back to get a 6ft distance but in my panic... I agree, your life sucks 26 You deserved it 11 0 Comments
Today I was laying in bed during a depressive episode. My fiancé decides to run and jump on top of me then fall off the bed, punching me in the eye trying... I agree, your life sucks 80 You deserved it 7 0 Comments
Today, I went on a date with a guy I met on Tinder. After chatting in a pub, we went for a walk at the marina nearby. He tried to have sex with me bareback... I agree, your life sucks 1125 You deserved it 430 13 Comments
Today, I had to explain to my boss that masturbating in public is inappropriate. This isn't the first time this has taken place. FML I agree, your life sucks 1269 You deserved it 75 8 Comments
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