Your everyday life stories

Today, I visited with my cousin on her deathbed. When I asked what she was doing, they replied that she was sleeping. Next thing out my mouth without thinking was, "She can sleep when she's dead." FML

By Anonymous - 23/7/2019 22:00

251

Today, at work, we ran out of receipt paper. Someone paid for $3 in gas and asked for a receipt. I explained that the company we order our paper from sent us toilet paper, not receipt paper. He got mad and said that he was never coming back. Twenty minutes later, he was back to get $3 more in gas, wanting a receipt. FML

By Anonymous - 23/7/2019 20:00

329

Today, I got overly excited because someone texted me, but then realized that moments before, I had sent myself a message. FML

By Kit2019 - 23/7/2019 12:00 - United States

313

Today, with 3 miles left of a 16-mile bike ride, I got a flat tire and had to push my bike back to my car. FML

By marcy_89 - 23/7/2019 16:01

446

Today, I had to go to the dentist to get 11 cavities filled. I took a wrong turn and ended up being 10 minutes late. My dentist told I had to reschedule because of his "10 minute policy." I have to wait 14 days now to get my cavities filled. FML

By Anonymous - 23/7/2019 14:33

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Today, my wife let two Jehovah's Witnesses in for a chat, then deliberately went to a neighbour's for "2 minutes," and left me with them for half-an-hour, with them refusing to take my hints to leave. In the end, I told them to fuck off, just as the wife arrived home, and she got mad at me for being rude. FML

By Anonymous - 23/7/2019 14:03

472

Today, as I was putting groceries away, I went to open my freezer door which randomly gets stuck by giving it a good tug, and a frozen hamburger fell on my right foot. My right foot, which is currently healing from a sprain I got a couple days ago. FML

By Anonymous - 23/7/2019 06:00 - United States

427

Today, my thigh was itchy, so I went into a bathroom stall to scratch it. I, for some reason, moaned out loud while doing it. After that, the men's bathroom went completely silent. FML

By XavierLing - 23/7/2019 06:00

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Today, I asked one of the girls at work out on a date. She responded by filing a harassment complaint. Now, I can't speak to her at all without being written up. FML

By Lunar-Spice - 23/7/2019 04:05

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Today, I told my dad that failing to kill yourself must be really awful, because you think you’ve failed your life and then you even fail your death. My dad who, as I recalled when he shot me a sour look, tried to commit suicide during his youth. FML

By Oh. - 23/7/2019 02:00

330

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Today, my ex purposely taught our kids to call all the Star Wars characters by Star Trek names. I’m not sure what bothers me more, the fact that she did it, or the fact that it makes me utterly insane when they say them. FML

By stardad - 22/7/2019 15:02 - United States - Hesperia

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Today, I went to a nice restaurant with my grandfather, who kept telling me to be kind towards our waiter, as he was probably just starting his summer job. The same waiter who, as my granddad had probably forgotten, had brought us our food six months ago and was now standing four feet away. FML

By forthethreeofus - 22/7/2019 22:00

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Today, my downstairs neighbor is single, clever and incredibly hot, while the upstairs neighbor is loud and obnoxious, not to mention a creep. I silently prayed every day for my neighbor to leave the building, and today, my prayer was answered: my neighbor moved out. Guess which one. FML

By OhCanada - 22/7/2019 20:00

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Today, while on a beach with my 3 year-long boyfriend, I went on his phone to find a restaurant I'd sent him on Instagram. Instead, I found countless messages to other women, trying to slide into their DMs. Needless to say, everyone on that beach got a free show. FML

By Anonymous - 22/7/2019 18:00

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Today, the wife and I were in the middle of having sex. She was bent over and I was taking her to pound town. I look over to see my 3 year-old son standing in the doorway, humping air. FML

By Darin Greenwood - 22/7/2019 14:00

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Today, I took my 8 year-old daughter to an airplane museum to show her the kinds of aircraft I’ve worked on during my 30+ year career. In the first 15 minutes, I had grease on my new shirt, bumped my head, spilled coffee and cut my hand. Sums up my career. Only 10 more years to go. FML

By kipper - 22/7/2019 12:00

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Today, I was informed that my flatmate had not handed his documents in to the new landlord like he'd told me. We are due to move to a new area tomorrow for the new job that I start in 4 days. Now we can't move for another week. Anyone have a spare couch? FML

By wookieewhosshe - 22/7/2019 06:43

1100

Today, I was texting my crush. He wasn’t really into the texts because he was barely replying, until he texted back calling me "baby." I got so excited, I almost cried, until he corrected himself and said that the text wasn’t for me. I cried. FML

By Unlovable - 22/7/2019 04:00

Ah, puppy love…

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Today, after 3 months of job hunting, I finally got a job. But now my birth certificate and social security card are somehow lost, and I can't start until I let them see a copy. FML

By xXPikachuXx - 22/7/2019 02:01

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Today, my family drove me to the airport. Before they said goodbye, my mom discreetly pulled me to one side and asked if I'd remembered to pack my birth control pills. Unfortunately, my little sister heard, then chased me through the security line, yelling, "YOU'RE ON BIRTH CONTROL?!" FML

By Anonymous - 22/7/2019 00:01

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Today, I happily went to an interview after job searching for months. I learned a large part of my job would be cleaning the toilets. Every. Single. Hour. I used to lecture at a university until budget cuts happened. FML

By Former Professor - 21/7/2019 22:00

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Today, my best friend told me he loved me, so I reminded him that I'm a lesbian. "That's just a phase, just wait till you suck my dick," was his reply. He was serious. FML

By Anonymous - 21/7/2019 20:00

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By Mystic Alan - 21/7/2019 18:00

FML's Weekly Horoscope - 21st of July 2019

Find out what bullshit the asshole stars and planets have in store for you this week!

Today, the neighbors' kid got a new airhorn. FML

By Anonymous - 21/7/2019 16:15

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Today, I got my hand caught in a belt sander while sanding down what was supposed to become a "Caution" sign. FML

By stickyickystone - 21/7/2019 14:12

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Today, I arrived at the doctor's to schedule surgery to find out my insurance got canceled again. I only just got it reinstated after the last time they screwed up and canceled it. It took me 6 months to get it fixed. FML

By LostSoul - 21/7/2019 12:10

1430

Today, I was told I have a brother… By a stranger in a parking lot, while leaving my grandfather's wake. FML

By ChloeisaDoll - 21/7/2019 06:01

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Today, I got charged with drink driving, without even driving my car. FML

By Ladyfarquard - 21/7/2019 04:03

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Today, I found out that pretending to be a bum begging for money can get you stuck in a jail cell for a few hours. FML

By darknight - 21/7/2019 02:03

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