Your everyday life stories

206

Today, a 100-foot maple tree fell on my house. I was inside. I was sleeping. FML

By Anonymous - 21/9/2019 04:04 - United States

Heavy

305

Today, I woke up feeling amazing. Upon looking at my phone, I saw a text from my boyfriend's ex, saying, "I'm sorry." Ten minutes later, I received a slew of angry text messages from my boyfriend, thanks to his ex. What an amazing day. FML

By howard1954 - 21/9/2019 03:18

Text Wars

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His ex is also the mother of his child. She has been wanting to go off on him for various reasons, which I told her was a bad idea, trying to keep the cool amongst all of us. But, my boyfriend told her he wanted the iPhone he bought for her a few years ago back, and she decided to tell him that I have been telling her various things about our personal life. This was not true, and she only said it to...

howard1954 Say more :

By Anonymous - 21/9/2019 02:00

Brutal

Today, my girlfriend told me that she prefers to be on top because I appear skinnier than I actually am. FML

263

Today, while picking my daughter up from school, I saw her being beaten by two boys while the teacher stood there doing nothing. I ran to help, but then she pushed one of the boys off her. The teacher then pulled her away, yelled at her and then yelled at me for "not raising my kid right." FML

By angry mama - 21/9/2019 00:01

The Headmaster Ritual

526

Today, I was fooling around with my partner after his shower. He moved my hands up to push me against the wall. Instead of hitting the wall, my hands hit the shower rod. It fell on my face and I got a bloody nose. FML

By LaLa - 20/9/2019 22:00

One nation, under rod

455

Today, I worked a 9-hour retail like this. I didn't notice until 3 hours into my shift and had to deal with this embarrassment for the next 6 hours. FML

By marina1686 - 20/9/2019 20:00

If the shoe fits…

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By Alan - 20/9/2019 18:00

FML's Favorite Funny Fuck-Ups of the Week!

Here's a bunch of people (and animals) fucking up, or just not understanding how the world works. Relatable stuff!

Today, my boyfriend wouldn’t stop smacking and slurping his food. I told him to at least chew with his mouth closed. He looked me dead in the eye, with a mouth full of chewed up pizza, and said, “No.” FML

By muskogee - 20/9/2019 16:00

Prince Charming

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Today, I saw a scorpion crawling across the kitchen floor. While trying to swat it towards the middle of the floor to prevent it from escaping as I looked for something to kill it with, my cat came to investigate. Kitty thought I was playing with a new toy and joined in by batting the scorpion under the oven. I know it's plotting its revenge. FML

By fml9124 - 20/9/2019 14:00

Hidden

700

Today, I ordered a beer with my parents at dinner. The waitress said, "Oh, happy 22nd birthday." My parents eyes got really big, and they started to blush. They'd forgotten it was my birthday. FML

By Anonymous - 20/9/2019 12:00

Carded B.

1076

Today, I applied mascara directly onto my eyeball. FML

By pickle - 20/9/2019 06:01

Ouch!

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Today, my 17 year-old brother asked me if I used birth control. When I told him I did, he responded, "Isn't that like using an inhalor when you don't have asthma?" FML

By beenawhile - 20/9/2019 04:03 - United States - Boston

Fair point

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Today, my dad asked me if I needed crayons for school. I'm going to college this fall. FML

By collegestudent - 20/9/2019 02:01

Alexa, play "What's My Age Again?" by Blink182

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Today, I was hosting my kid's birthday party. I had a bunch of small trinkets, so I grabbed the first container I could find to put them in. It wasn’t until I went out and someone yelled, "I’ll take a heavy flow!" that I realized it was an empty tampon box. FML

By Anonymous - 20/9/2019 00:01

If only they hadn't learned to read…

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Today, while at my family reunion, I learned my grandparents were first cousins. No wonder we're all crazy hillbillies. FML

By Anonymous - 19/9/2019 20:00

Deliverance

1053

Today, while rushing upstairs to have sex, I tripped on the stairs and rammed my naked boner into the edge of the step. All my wife could do is laugh at me. Now it even hurts to pee or put my trousers on. FML

By Anonymous - 19/9/2019 18:00

Cockstepblocked

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Today, after a whole summer of waiting, I went to check my school's website so that I could start my first year again since I had some complications the first time round. I found out that they'd blocked my account and that the fee I'd have to pay was now triple the original. FML

By DebbiemontG - 19/9/2019 16:01

Pay up, sunshine

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Today, I got home from the hospital. Yesterday was my birthday, and I got a piece of steak caught in my lower esophagus, resulting in a trip to the ER and an overnight stay so they could put me under and fish it out. I’m not allowed meat for a month while they find out what caused it. FML

By ER Birthday - 19/9/2019 14:00

Unhappy Birthday

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Today, I called my boyfriend at 2 a.m., telling him I couldn't sleep. He replied, "Well, I can," and hung up. FML

By that1summergirl - 19/9/2019 12:00 - Canada

Riverdale is a lie

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2039

Today, my mom asked me to pull out the load of laundry she'd stuck in the dryer. Instead of clothes, I pulled out my dead cat. FML

By SonOfACatKiller - 19/9/2019 08:00 - United States - Juno

Alas, poor Tiddles

1843

Today, I was at my usual drum circle. This guy I'd never seen before showed up and started playing an unfamiliar beat. Thinking he was new, I tried to teach him what to play. Turns out he was a professional drummer and was playing an advanced version of the groove I was trying to teach him. FML

By samba_spaz - 19/9/2019 06:01 - United States - Los Angeles

Groove is in the Heart

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Today, I came outside to see someone had written on my car, "I love your hairy butt, pubes, and fat girlfriend!" multiple times. I wouldn't have been bothered if all those things weren't true. FML

By German;) - 19/9/2019 04:00

Street art

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Today, I've been told that the test I have tomorrow, which I've been studying for, is not on 'Parent and Child Relationships' but on 'Scotland's Fishing Communities'. My brother thought it would be funny to hide the real booklet, and make up his own one for me. FML

By Anonymous - 19/9/2019 02:03 - United Kingdom - London

Just a prank, bro!

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Today, my dog and I got sprayed by a skunk. I have no tomato juice or baking soda, and the bus doesn't come for another 3 hours. FML

By Anonymous - 19/9/2019 00:02

Sit and stew

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Today, my ex-boyfriend sent me a photo of him getting head from a gorgeous woman. He captioned it “Jealous?” with smiley emojis. I’m not sure what’s creepier, the fact that he sent it, that he even has my new number or that we broke up more than 8 years ago. FML

By huh? - 18/9/2019 13:00 - United States - Monterey Park

Creepy Dick Pic

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Today, while joking and chatting with a coworker on my way to the bathroom, I misjudged the distance to the entrance and slammed my head into the wall. My coworker told everyone. So now I'm funny, but not for the reason I wanted to be. FML

By Anonymous - 18/9/2019 20:00

Head, meet wall

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Today, I showed my parents the latest excerpt from my first book. It's about narratology. My dad thought I was writing about meat. He read "peaks and valleys" as "pork and veal." FML

By yudencow - 18/9/2019 18:00

Reading skills

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Today, my boyfriend asked my dad why he gave me the nickname "Bear," which he has called me since I was very little. My dad responded, "Because she has a hairy back." FML

By Anonymous - 18/9/2019 16:00

Venus in Furs

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Today, I got a new mattress delivered to my house. Didn’t have it on the frame for more than 5 minutes before my cat had already pissed on it. FML

By Anonymous - 18/9/2019 14:00

Cats gonna cat

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