Your everyday life stories

194

Today, I came home from partying all night, having stayed completely sober. My Dad, blind drunk, told me he was proud of me for staying sober. He claims to have been sober longer than I have. FML

By katieemw95 - 23/9/2019 04:00

I'm not drunk, you're drunk!

295

Today, my husband's high school friends got together tonight. Nothing more pathetic than listening to a bunch of losers reliving their glory days as high school seniors. I honestly thought I would have picked someone better than this. My husband fucking peaked at 17. FML

By Anonymous - 23/9/2019 02:00

The Breakfast Club 2: Electric Boogaloo

231

571

Today, I fulfilled my lifelong dream of going on a family trip to Disneyland. Less than two hours in the park, my kids have been scared shitless by every single character, they don’t want to ride any rides, my husband is drunk and the mouse ears headband gave me a vomit-inducing migraine. FML

By Disney dashed - 23/9/2019 00:01

Not so Magic Kingdom

624

Today, I've been debating all day on whether I'm going to have to sell some of my video games to afford pads. FML

By RiverRunsRed - 22/9/2019 22:00

Gamers rise up

601

112

Today, my boyfriend told me he thinks brushing his teeth and doing anything basically hygienic is unnecessary now, because, "we're all going to die out around about 2050 anyway." FML

By Anonymous - 22/9/2019 20:00 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Global stinking

669

By Mystic Alan - 22/9/2019 18:00

FML's Weekly Horoscope - 22nd of September 2019

Find out what embarrassing stuff the dumbass stars and planets have in store for you this week!

Today, yet again I got delayed in airport security. One month ago, I thought it was a good idea to wear make-up when renewing my passport. It turns out I look nothing like myself without makeup. Hello shattered confidence and 5 years of needing to wear makeup for every flight. FML

By MimiFufu - 22/9/2019 16:00

I am what I am

612

487

Today, while at my job as a nurse in the ER, someone came in with a hangnail. They threw a fit that they had to wait because we were managing a heart attack, a man with colon cancer and a kid with appendicitis. FML

By Anonymous - 22/9/2019 14:01

Triage

928

Today, as they have for the past three years, my boyfriend's parents have never called me by my actual name. They always "accidentally" call me by my boyfriend's ex's name. FML

By Laura - 22/9/2019 12:00 - Paraguay

What's my name?

969

Today, my boyfriend tried to compliment my date-night attire. His brain couldn't decide between, "So pretty" and, "You're the shit," so his mouth decided, "You're so shitty" would suffice. FML

By Anonymous - 21/9/2019 22:00 - United States - Athens

Close, but no cigar

1142

146

Today, I was thinking about how I saw Eric from That '70s Show at an airport and never said anything to him. I still regret it. FML

By thisshtissad - 22/9/2019 02:01

Travel away from the sadness

689

427

Today, I just found out my best friend is a hooker. I just thought she worked nights and had terrible taste in clothes. FML

By Anonymous - 22/9/2019 00:01

BFF

972

233

Today, I told my conservative friends over dinner that I was a bit of a liberal. They then went off on me about how liberals are lazy, stupid, and a financial burden on society. I was the only employed person at the table with a college degree and not living with my parents. FML

By NormtheNorm - 21/9/2019 15:00 - United States - Enterprise

Bipartisan spirit

1606

208

Today, my boyfriend took me out to a fancy dinner. Halfway through, he said he wanted to break up. I started crying, but the whole restaurant thought he'd proposed, and started clapping. FML

By Brianna Michelle Ferrell - 21/9/2019 20:00

Mixed signals

1395

Today, I found out I have herpes. I'm 9 months pregnant and have only been with my husband. It just so happens that our roommate just got over herpes. I thought they were just spending time together, bonding. FML

By Cirese Summerrose - 21/9/2019 18:00

Sharing is caring

1461

140

Today, at work, an old lady was staring at my crotch a lot. I looked down, thinking maybe I had an open fly. I didn't. FML

By Anonymous - 21/9/2019 16:01

Checked out

947

Today, I found out my that my girlfriend's parents hate me, all because they saw me laughing and hanging out with another girl. That other girl was my sister. FML

By Anyonymous_101 - 21/9/2019 14:02

Alexa, play "All You Need Is Hate" by The Delgados

1217

Today, I was checking my friends' posts on Facebook and all of them were complaining what a boring night they had. They were all just at my house. FML

By Anonymous - 21/9/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Wakefield

You made them use coasters, Monica

1090

125

Today, I was at work, cleaning up a construction site. I picked up a beer can and accidentally spilled some of it on me. My boss came in to check on me and thought I was drunk. Instead of getting a raise, I was fired. FML

By paulcorrea95 - 21/9/2019 06:07 - United States

Boozing on the job

1286

Today, a 100-foot maple tree fell on my house. I was inside. I was sleeping. FML

By Anonymous - 21/9/2019 04:04 - United States

Heavy

1244

Today, I woke up feeling amazing. Upon looking at my phone, I saw a text from my boyfriend's ex, saying, "I'm sorry." Ten minutes later, I received a slew of angry text messages from my boyfriend, thanks to his ex. What an amazing day. FML

By howard1954 - 21/9/2019 03:18

Text Wars

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His ex is also the mother of his child. She has been wanting to go off on him for various reasons, which I told her was a bad idea, trying to keep the cool amongst all of us. But, my boyfriend told her he wanted the iPhone he bought for her a few years ago back, and she decided to tell him that I have been telling her various things about our personal life. This was not true, and she only said it to...

howard1954 Say more :

By Anonymous - 21/9/2019 02:00

Brutal

Today, my girlfriend told me that she prefers to be on top because I appear skinnier than I actually am. FML

802

146

Today, while picking my daughter up from school, I saw her being beaten by two boys while the teacher stood there doing nothing. I ran to help, but then she pushed one of the boys off her. The teacher then pulled her away, yelled at her and then yelled at me for "not raising my kid right." FML

By angry mama - 21/9/2019 00:01

The Headmaster Ritual

1191

Today, I was fooling around with my partner after his shower. He moved my hands up to push me against the wall. Instead of hitting the wall, my hands hit the shower rod. It fell on my face and I got a bloody nose. FML

By LaLa - 20/9/2019 22:00

One nation, under rod

913

116

Today, I worked a 9-hour retail like this. I didn't notice until 3 hours into my shift and had to deal with this embarrassment for the next 6 hours. FML

By marina1686 - 20/9/2019 20:00

If the shoe fits…

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613

By Alan - 20/9/2019 18:00

FML's Favorite Funny Fuck-Ups of the Week!

Here's a bunch of people (and animals) fucking up, or just not understanding how the world works. Relatable stuff!

Today, my boyfriend wouldn’t stop smacking and slurping his food. I told him to at least chew with his mouth closed. He looked me dead in the eye, with a mouth full of chewed up pizza, and said, “No.” FML

By muskogee - 20/9/2019 16:00

Prince Charming

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Today, I saw a scorpion crawling across the kitchen floor. While trying to swat it towards the middle of the floor to prevent it from escaping as I looked for something to kill it with, my cat came to investigate. Kitty thought I was playing with a new toy and joined in by batting the scorpion under the oven. I know it's plotting its revenge. FML

By fml9124 - 20/9/2019 14:00

Hidden

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Today, I ordered a beer with my parents at dinner. The waitress said, "Oh, happy 22nd birthday." My parents eyes got really big, and they started to blush. They'd forgotten it was my birthday. FML

By Anonymous - 20/9/2019 12:00

Carded B.

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