Your everyday life stories - FML

Funniest FMLs of the Day

Weirdest FMLs of the Day Most Commented FMLs of the Day

By - 22/2/2020 05:00

I took a rake

Today, I found out the guy I’ve been talking to for almost 6 months just had a baby with his wife (they’re not legally divorced yet). He told me that we were just a fling. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/2/2020 01:00

Ready or not?

Today, the girl I love told me that she wanted to marry me. She then went on a date with another person who invited her to eat in a fancy restaurant. The next day she told me that she was not yet ready to marry. FML

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By - 21/2/2020 14:00

No chance

Today, my girlfriend of two years called me over late at night. I got excited, assuming she finally wanted sex. No, she just wanted me to make her mac and cheese and talk to her because she was ‘restless’. FML.

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By - 21/2/2020 18:00

Woe is me!

Today, Had sex with some random girl off Tinder to make my ex jealous. I received gonorrhea from her and she's pregnant and not going to abort. This random girl is the 2nd girl I have ever slept with in my life. FML

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By - 21/2/2020 14:00

My ex is a cannibal

Today, my boyfriend bit my vagina, like had my entire crotch between his teeth because he thought it would turn me on more. How did he make the jump from ear nibbling to fanny biting and think it was sexy. The bruises hurt so bad I’m not even upset I dumped him after 3 years together, asshole. FML

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By - 21/2/2020 05:00

War is declared

Today, I was woken by my boyfriend’s penis in my mouth. It’s odd for him to want sex while at his parents, but I went for it. He was done in like 10 seconds, so I turned on the lamp, it was his creep brother completely drunk. My boyfriend was still asleep but woke up when I put the light on. And so began the world war three. FML

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By - 21/2/2020 01:00

The innocence of children

Today, my 5 year old stabbed me in the back with a pencil because I stole her nose and wouldn’t give it back. My daughter has been sulking now for 3 hours and refuses to breathe until she has her nose. FML

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By - 20/2/2020 20:00

Really like you

Today, I saw somebody, Who looked just like you, She walked like you do, I thought it was you, As she turned the corner, I called out your name, I felt so ashamed, When it wasn't you, wasn't you. FML

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By - 20/2/2020 18:00

So sly

Today, my date left the restaurant because I didn’t agree with his opinions about the mentally disabled or mixed race couples etc. Basically a real scumbag. He also left me the bill and turns out he had all the most expensive menu items including a £120 bottle of wine, it cost over £300 total. FML

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By - 20/2/2020 14:00

My alarm

Today, yet again, I woke up at the sound of my parents having sex, like apes, and couldn't go back to sleep. FML

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By - 20/2/2020 05:00

Oh shit

Today, I brought my girlfriend a sex toy. We went home, made dinner, had some wine, then watched a movie with her mom. When the movie was over, I wanted to secretly let her know that I was ready for bed. So I put the sex toy in my pocket, when I went into the hall, her mom was right there and started dying laughing. FML

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By - 20/2/2020 01:00

It's just me

Today, I stopped by my elderly mother’s house to drop off some groceries. I decided to clean the place while I was there just to be nice. In true three bears, fashion I fell asleep on the couch. I was awoken by a police officer pointing his gun at me. My mom woke up and thought I was a burglar. FML

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By - 19/2/2020 20:00

Just once

Today, my husband instigated sex for the first time since the honeymoon (a few months). He started fondling me in bed. Then, I realised he was asleep. FML

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By - 19/2/2020 18:00

It hurts

Today, I accidentally popped a pimple, but it was on my ass. It burns so badly. FML

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By - 19/2/2020 14:00

It's senseless

Today, I went to the hospital (super busy so 5 hours of waiting), and I did a pee test when I first arrived. After 5 hours of waiting, they have lost my pee. How do you lose someone's pee? FML

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By - 18/2/2020 23:00

Sweet dream

Today, I had a naughty dream about my boyfriend. What I forgot is that he was staying over that night. I woke up this morning to a rendition of how I’d climbed on top of him and started going at it. I thought this had all been part of my dream. Guess not. FML

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By - 19/2/2020 01:00

Don't care

Today, I realized that I'm a horrible uncle, I have two nephews and I don't know their age nor birthday. They are twins. FML

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By - 18/2/2020 20:00

Great mishap

Today, while at work I felt the need to fart. My coworker stepped out of the back room, I knew this was my chance. I went for it and to my horror I realize that I shit myself and it dripped down my pants, almost to my socks. In complete panic I ran and fall down with shit. FML

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By "LilTropics" - 18/2/2020 19:58

I just woke up and was getting ready for my day when I realized I had extra time to spare, so I decided to pleasure myself before I took a shower. My girlfriend woke up to use the bathroom and walked in on me.

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By - 18/2/2020 18:00

Who is that?

Today, while me and my husband had sex, I called my husband "Gabe". That's nowhere near his name and I don't even know a Gabe. He then asked what that means "Gabe darling". FML

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By - 18/2/2020 14:00

Bad liar

Today, I was supposed to see my boyfriend for his birthday. He said his parents are coming down and it may not be a good time for us to really enjoy each other. Last night, I saw a picture of him feeding popcorn to baby Llamas with his drunk stoner friends. FML

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By - 18/2/2020 05:00

Oops... sorry

Today, I was having sex with this guy I’ve been seeing... I was on top and as I was bouncing up and down on him, I went too hard and bent his penis a little... FML

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By - 18/2/2020 01:00

Great mishap

Today, while on the bus to my exam I was muttering a prayer for good luck, but the driver stopped the bus, took everyone out except for me and called the police as he thought that I had a bomb in my bag and the worst part was that I missed the exam. FML

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By - 17/2/2020 13:00

Quick stench

Today, I had a meeting with my boss, while walking to the meeting room, I feel a fart building up. I ignore it. As I prepare to sit down in the small room my body decided to release the gas with special sound effects I tried to disguise by coughing but the smell had already reached my boss’s nose. FML

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By - 17/2/2020 18:00

When karma does its job

Today, I found out the guy whose ass I used to routinely kick in high school is now dating my 19 years old daughter. FML

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By - 17/2/2020 14:00

Free trip

Today, my boyfriend and I were supposed to go to Vietnam. Yesterday, I had to call the police because he was again getting verbally abusive saying I deserved all the times he hit me in the past. He left for Vietnam and said it wasn't a good idea for me to go with him. I paid for the flights. FML

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By - 17/2/2020 05:00

Women being

Today my wife told me she feels I judge her clothing choices and it makes her feel ugly and she has started to hate me for it. I'm nearly blind. I don't mind what she wears. FML

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By - 17/2/2020 01:00

Missing a long time ends up no longer being

Today, I went to meet my girlfriend after 3 months of not seeing each other, and I find out she has a new friend who she shares nudes with. FML

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By - 16/2/2020 20:00

Best revenge

Today, I found out my ex boyfriend cheat on me. My sister told me he saw her making out with another girl. I exposed him for having a small penis as revenge. FML

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By - 16/2/2020 18:00

Bad luck

Today, a fly landed in my soup. When I first went to post an FML about it I dropped my phone in the toilet. I cleaned up my phone with a napkin. Now I have some poop under my nails. FML

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