Your everyday life stories

Today, I called my boyfriend at 2 a.m., telling him I couldn't sleep. He replied, "Well, I can," and hung up. FML

By that1summergirl - 19/9/2019 12:00 - Canada

Riverdale is a lie

406

Today, my mom asked me to pull out the load of laundry she'd stuck in the dryer. Instead of clothes, I pulled out my dead cat. FML

By SonOfACatKiller - 19/9/2019 08:00 - United States - Juno

Alas, poor Tiddles

529

Today, I was at my usual drum circle. This guy I'd never seen before showed up and started playing an unfamiliar beat. Thinking he was new, I tried to teach him what to play. Turns out he was a professional drummer and was playing an advanced version of the groove I was trying to teach him. FML

By samba_spaz - 19/9/2019 06:01 - United States - Los Angeles

Groove is in the Heart

175

507

Today, I came outside to see someone had written on my car, "I love your hairy butt, pubes, and fat girlfriend!" multiple times. I wouldn't have been bothered if all those things weren't true. FML

By German;) - 19/9/2019 04:00

Street art

458

Today, I've been told that the test I have tomorrow, which I've been studying for, is not on 'Parent and Child Relationships' but on 'Scotland's Fishing Communities'. My brother thought it would be funny to hide the real booklet, and make up his own one for me. FML

By Anonymous - 19/9/2019 02:03 - United Kingdom - London

Just a prank, bro!

621

Today, my dog and I got sprayed by a skunk. I have no tomato juice or baking soda, and the bus doesn't come for another 3 hours. FML

By Anonymous - 19/9/2019 00:02

Sit and stew

620

Today, my ex-boyfriend sent me a photo of him getting head from a gorgeous woman. He captioned it “Jealous?” with smiley emojis. I’m not sure what’s creepier, the fact that he sent it, that he even has my new number or that we broke up more than 8 years ago. FML

By huh? - 18/9/2019 13:00 - United States - Monterey Park

Creepy Dick Pic

1035

Today, while joking and chatting with a coworker on my way to the bathroom, I misjudged the distance to the entrance and slammed my head into the wall. My coworker told everyone. So now I'm funny, but not for the reason I wanted to be. FML

By Anonymous - 18/9/2019 20:00

Head, meet wall

658

152

Today, I showed my parents the latest excerpt from my first book. It's about narratology. My dad thought I was writing about meat. He read "peaks and valleys" as "pork and veal." FML

By yudencow - 18/9/2019 18:00

Reading skills

671

Today, my boyfriend asked my dad why he gave me the nickname "Bear," which he has called me since I was very little. My dad responded, "Because she has a hairy back." FML

By Anonymous - 18/9/2019 16:00

Venus in Furs

898

Today, I got a new mattress delivered to my house. Didn’t have it on the frame for more than 5 minutes before my cat had already pissed on it. FML

By Anonymous - 18/9/2019 14:00

Cats gonna cat

851

227

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend about how hard it is to wash long hair. While I was talking, he interrupted and said, "Wait, you actually wash your hair?" FML

By Wowseriously - 18/9/2019 12:00 - United States

Dumpster Fire Boyfriend

880

105

Today, while interviewing for a job, I was greeted by the interviewer with a handshake and a greeting of, "Hello Victoria, my name is Bill." I responded with, "Hello. My name is Bill." I think it's safe to assume I didn't get the job. FML

By Victoria - 18/9/2019 06:00 - Australia - Perth

My name is?

871

271

Today, a teacher asked me to edit a video of her class. Unfamiliar with cameras that work with video tape, I accidentally recorded over her video. The footage is impossible for me to get back. FML

By Anonymous - 18/9/2019 04:02 - United Kingdom - Southampton

WTF VHS?

767

645

Today, I fired all 12 of my employees, purely out of anger and frustration. Realizing my mistake when I'd calmed down, I called each employee and apologized, asking if they'd come back. Only one said yes. The mailroom clerk. FML

By Terrible Boss - 18/9/2019 02:04 - United States

Stability

248

4088

Today, I had to go to the ER because of a terrible allergic reaction I had to the cookies my "friend" made for me. She assured me several times that there were no nuts in them. Turns out, she put nuts in them on purpose, to see whether or not I was really allergic. FML

By Anonymous - 18/9/2019 00:01 - United States

Criminal Minds

1770

Today, my boyfriend encouragingly told me that he could tell I was losing weight, all because I had one roll fewer than usual on my stomach. FML

By anon - 17/9/2019 22:00

Roll with it

1054

206

Today, my son took some of my underwear to school. What's worse is he sold it to his classmate for $10. FML

By Anonymous - 17/9/2019 20:00 - New Zealand - Wellington

Market crash

1264

Today, after months of searching for any kind of work, I finally received a call. It was McDonald's, but they said I was overqualified for the position. I thought they took anyone with a heart rate. Apparently not. FML

By Anonymous - 17/9/2019 18:00 - United States - Baton Rouge

No BigMac for you

1191

Today, my mom introduced me to everyone we met as her "special needs child." They all seemed to believe her. FML

By BDSarah - 17/9/2019 16:00

Special

1150

Today, I was yelled at and fired by my boss. He claimed that I've been sleeping with his wife. I've never met his wife. FML

By Anonymous - 17/9/2019 14:00

Alexa, play "It Wasn't Me" by Shaggy

1398

Today, my little sister took a dump in our bath tub right before we were leaving for soccer practice. When my mom found it, she blamed it on me, then made me pick it up with my bare hands. FML

By Katie - 17/9/2019 12:01 - United States

The Bathtub Incident

1390

Today, I found out that my parents think my boyfriend is the devil. FML

By Emily - 17/9/2019 08:00

Pleased to meet you, hope you guess my name

997

122

Today, I had to tell my 4 year-old, "I'm wiping my butt right now, I can't get you a drink. Please wait a minute." I distinctly heard my neighbor laughing through the bathroom window. FML

By Lauren Davies - 17/9/2019 06:00

Paper-thin walls

1144

214

Today, my mom told me I wouldn't be able to take driver's education until at least my sixteenth birthday, because I'm, "Not ready to drive a car." Isn't that the whole point of driver's ed? FML

By Anonymous - 17/9/2019 04:00

Parked, indefinitely

1041

281

Today, my ex-boyfriend, who refers to himself in the third person on a regular basis, told me that I often act entitled. FML

By Mike - 17/9/2019 02:02 - United States - Los Angeles

The Nerve!

1041

153

Today, my roommate whipped my face with a frozen chicken cutlet. My cheek is now the size of the chicken cutlet, and now he won't drive me to the hospital because it's "too funny to look at." FML

By bigbuldge - 17/9/2019 00:01

Roommate From Hell

1280

109

Today, I was filling out an application for a job at a local pet store. At the end of it, they wanted a paragraph about any pets I had. After a while, I found myself finishing a 3-page essay about them. That's the longest essay I've ever written. FML

By I Heart My Cats and Dogs - 16/9/2019 22:01

Pet Store Madness

973

364

Today, I got pulled over for speeding. After the cop asked for my license, he started laughing when he saw my picture. FML

By ACAB - 16/9/2019 20:00 - Australia

Officer McGiggles

1166

162