Today, my girlfriend of 3 months said she was going to do the dishes, so I said I’d do the bins and mop the floor once I was at my games checkpoint in 30 seconds. She completely blew up at me for “never helping around here” when I literally just said I’d mop the floor in 30 seconds. FML
Today, I was in hospital after surgery when someone’s little brat came wandering into my room like a mini hurricane and all I could do was lie there trying desperately to call for a nurse as he ate my snacks, knocked over my books, went through my bag, etc. If I can sue his parents, I will. FML
Today, I was laying in the grass, staring into the blue sky and watching planes go by. My boyfriend snuggles down next to me; it was a sweet moment. He then told me all about how the planes above are leaving "chem trails", and that he believes the CIA is out to mind-control us all. Right. FML
Today, it's been two weeks since I quit smoking weed. It's not horrible, the digestive issues from the withdrawal have stopped and I have started dreaming again. Sadly all my dreams are horrific nightmares that wake me in a cold sweat. FML
Today, my senile mother escaped the house and wandered off as the sun was setting. Frantic, I told my husband I would call the police. He tried to convince me to wait, and couldn't conceal his excitement. I know she's not the easiest to live with, but that really hurt. FML
Today, my cousin mentioned having back pain and since I’m a chiropractor, I offered to help him. He gave me a horrified look and said, “Fuck no, I’m not letting you turn me into the next Jonathan Buckelew.” FML
Today, I paid £200 for a car service to make sure everything was running okay. I got the all clear that everything was perfect and all necessary fluids topped up. I then wrote the car off 20 minutes later in an accident. FML
Today, it's the end of hard month: renovations, on top of kids' vacation, on top of cancelled camps, on top of cat with diarrhea. The thing waiting for me this weekend is the work assignment my boss gave me an hour before business closed on Friday, and wrapping up contractors shoddy work. FML
Today, the doctor finally gave us the OK to have sex at 37 weeks pregnant. We were going to make love that night, but she was tired so we planned for the next day. She goes for an appointment and has emergency induction. We haven't had sex since April. No sex until next year. FML
Today, I found out that I'm going to have to work really hard to get a job, since I don't have enough money to finish my bachelor's. I thought it'd be easier, but two weeks in, I'm struggling. FML
Today, I finally had lunch alone with the girl I like. It wasn't bad, but we had a few awkward silences. Still, I got home feeling proud that I’d actually managed to get some one-on-one time with her. But a little while later, my sister pointed out that I’d had a piece of lettuce stuck in my teeth the entire time. FML
Today, I got the biggest shock in my life when I found out that I was a mistake, and the only reason why I wasn't put up for adoption is because of the tax refunds. FML
Today, during the night I caught a burglar in the front room so I fought and threw him out. Most wives would be happy they were saved and nothing got stolen, might want to hug their husbands, maybe give them a little loving. Mine yelled at me for waking her up and scratching the walls. FML
Today, I lost my job as a pre-school teacher. The school had to shut down and may be facing legal issues. Our head teacher's super spoiled bully of a son (who sided with him), harshly picked on and hurt a girl classmate, who happened to be the only granddaughter of the school's greatest benefactor, who's greatly wealthy. FML
Today, I was working, ripping siding off a house. I pulled off a sheet that was over my head. I got rained with what I thought was wood chips that were behind the siding. Turns out they were dead grasshoppers. Guess what I found in my bra after work. FML
Today, I had a very early miscarriage. Nice to know that I was pregnant. FML
Today, I did three loads of washing, made dinner, did all the housework and made sure the kids had what they needed for school, came home from working a full day, straight to karate lessons and football, didn’t eat until 9pm, tidied up, all while treating a UTI. All to get told I "have an attitude". FML
Today, my fiancé actually threatened to leave me if I didn't find a "real" wedding dress. I love the one I picked out, it fits me perfectly, and was well below my budget. He's upset because it's technically a bridesmaid dress. FML
Today, a girl I like was taking her phone out of her pocket and two condoms fell out. Last week I'd tried hooking up with her and she'd said that she only has sex with a man who is her boyfriend. So I said, “Oh, new boyfriend, huh?” She said, “Nah it’s for hookups, gotta be prepared!” I guess she forgot she lied to me. FML
Today, I was driving down a dark country road with the windows down. Suddenly, a giant barn owl flew through my side-window and smacked into my head, causing me to drive into a ditch. FML
Today, I'm living in a hotel and my mum took a fat dump, clogging the toilet. When she tried to plunge it, it began overflowing. I had to start running in and out with trash and clean the room as fast as possible so that they didn't have any extra reasons to kick us out. Turns out they can't do anything tonight. FML
Today, as a wedding gift, my in-laws signed ownership of the family cafe over to us so they could retire abroad. I looked into the cafe's financials, and it's £115,000 in debt, with a bailiffs high court writ on it. This could ruin us just as we’re starting our married life together. FML
Today, I performed for the first time at someone's wedding. When the music started, I heard a click. Slowly, I felt my strapless bra drop lower and lower due to my non-existent breasts. The hook on my bra had broken at that very moment on stage. FML
Today, I was in music class and I was reaching for the pen I'd dropped, I tilted myself, gripping my left hand on the table, and the person beside me pulled my arm for some reason, and my face fell into their lap. Right on the crotch. It reeked of sweat. FML
Today, it's my birthday. After I chose a restaurant, made a reservation, and organised a babysitter, I've been sitting here alone for over an hour, still waiting for my husband to show up. FML
Today, my daughter told me she never wants to see me again because I had an abortion. She wanted me to have the baby and then give it to her so she could raise it as hers. FML
Today, I got a warning for not covering a shift, on my day off, for someone who didn't want to go to work. Apparently the next time I “do something wrong", I'll either get warned again or fired, whichever they feel like doing. FML
Today, I broke up with my ex not too long ago, then I fell for another guy and he liked me too, but now a few weeks later we grew distant because of the same reason my ex broke up with me for, how I'm too clingy and affectionate, etc. FML
Today, I witnessed the most horrifying thing I’d ever seen: my beloved 15 year-old cat having a seizure. The vet says she’s fine and is in remarkably good health for her age, but I don’t think I’ll ever get that image out of my head. FML
Today, my stepfather woke me up at two in the morning just to tell me he bought a sandwich. FML
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