The best jokes about life

Today, I ended up missing all my Zoom classes because I had the audacity to stay up all night and build an epic Minecraft fortress. And then I accidentally deleted it. FML

By Anonymous - 25/4/2021 08:00 - Canada - Ottawa

Epic

633

Today, a friend of mine has stopped brushing his teeth, because, "animals don’t brush their teeth either." You know what else animals don’t do? Smoke a pack of Marlboros a day. FML

By Anonymous - 25/4/2021 11:01

Yellow

164

Today, despite giving my sister a place to stay while she's in town for a funeral, she demanded I give a bedroom to her son to have to himself, because, "How am I supposed to have 'sexy time' with my husband with him in the room?" Everyone's sharing rooms, and no one's getting sexy time as someone literally died. FML

By Anonymous - 25/4/2021 08:01

Horndog

303

Today, after searching online and in the newspaper for an affordable used vehicle, I finally came across one that wasn't a scam or the seller lying about the actual condition of the vehicle. It was legit and and sold about 10 minutes after the seller gave me his info for me to go look at it. FML

By Anonymous - 24/4/2021 23:01 - United States - High Springs

Used car, one careful owner

270

Today, the cops showed up at my work because people were fighting in the parking lot. This is a nightly occurrence. FML

By dinkley7 - 25/4/2021 02:00

Nice neighborhood

305

Today, we’re supposed to check people’s temperatures before their COVID vaccination. The thermometers don’t work, though. We’re told to just press the on-off-button twice, so they make the same beep-beep sound as if they were functioning to make people feel safe. FML

By Jules - 25/4/2021 00:30

Get your vaccinations if you can

511

Today, my ex asked me if I would reconsider a future with him. I said, “Only if we can learn to communicate effectively." He said, “Good talk, this time you actually got through to me.” Then he ceased all communication. FML

By Anonymous - 24/4/2021 23:00

Got it

409

Today, a colleague crashed a drone into my almost brand new car. I even asked him before if it was OK to park there or if I should better park somewhere else, and he said, "No problem" and bragged about being the best drone pilot. FML

By macone - 24/4/2021 21:30

Droning on

429

Today, my 36 year-old husband decided that I’m not his soulmate and he made a mistake marrying me. Why? Because he believes that the 19 year-old girl he met on his video game online thing is instead, and they’re "meant to be." We’ve been married for 5 years and had our second child a month ago. FML

By Dumped - 24/4/2021 20:08

It's not a phase!

693

Today, after 9 years of loveless marriage, my wife confided in me that she was always an introvert and depressed person, but pretended to be outgoing and fun loving with me up until our marriage, so she could marry me just to lift herself up from low class to high class society. FML

By Anonymous - 24/4/2021 11:01 - Canada - Stoney Creek

Playing the long game

705

Today, I'm recovering from a fall down the basement steps. I was carrying a casserole down to the fridge we have in the basement. I tripped, crashed at the bottom and broke my arm. Our dog came running down to investigate, completely ignored me, and just started eating the casserole off the floor. FML

By Anonymous - 24/4/2021 14:01

Thanks, Shep

707

Today, as a lifelong insomnia sufferer, I was having an awful night. After tossing and turning in my bed for several hours, I decided to try sleeping on the couch. Not only did I finally fall asleep, I was having one of the best dreams of my life… Until my neighbor’s brat had a tantrum at 6 a.m. FML

By so sleepy - 24/4/2021 02:00 - United States

Dream baby dream

587

Today, I realised I get really attached to characters in long-running TV shows, because I have no friends. FML

By Anonymous - 24/4/2021 16:00 - Australia - Croydon

Works with podcasts as well

474

Today, apparently according to my parents, since they raised me, it gives them the right to use the money I worked hard for, and there’s nothing I can do about it. FML

By Anonymous - 24/4/2021 05:00

Better Call Saul

667

Today, as caregiver, I had to physically remove the shit my grandpa had stuck in his rectum, because he doesn't remember how to shit. He barely knows who I am, which is good because when he remembers who he is, he becomes an abusive asshole. I'm 27. FML

By Anonymous - 24/4/2021 02:00

Bunged up

763

Today, it's been 4 days of recovering from a motorcycle accident. Which happened 5 hours after it was delivered. I went face-first through a garage door. FML

By Dana O'Neil - 24/4/2021 00:30

Two wheels not so good

258

613

Today, my fiancé decided that we shouldn't have sex before we get married. Even though we've been doing it for years. We can't get married right now due to Covid. FML

By Anonymous - 23/4/2021 23:01

Denied

663

Today, my girlfriend left me, saying she'd started to appreciate herself more with the help of a therapist. That I paid for her to visit. FML

By losercancer - 23/4/2021 23:30 - Georgia

You helped her see the light

584

133

Today, my boyfriend blackmailed me for nudes. When I told his mother, he convinced her it was a joke, and both were laughing at me for being "paranoid". He now wants me to apologise for "ruining his day". FML

By Anonymous - 23/4/2021 13:03 - Panama - Cuba

Prepare to be dumped

768

114

Today, I planned a busy day of errands: cycle 16 km, pick up a thing I bought online, go to the gas station, pharmacy and 3 different shops. I’m totally exhausted now. Maybe tomorrow I’ll find the energy to actually do all those things. FML

By Anonymous - 23/4/2021 17:01 - Germany

Procrastination

471

231

Today, my partner of 5 years broke up with me via text. We were talking about starting a family just last week. We have a foster puppy together and moved into a new house a month ago. FML

By Anonymous - 23/4/2021 22:02 - Australia - Sydney

It's complicated

822

Today, I ordered some food and included a slice of cheesecake. However, I think they glued the Tupperware lid together and I didn't actually want to launch the cheesecake into the air when I finally got it open. FML

By Steven Haga - 23/4/2021 04:00 - United States - Milwaukee

Messy situation

583

Today, I went on a date. I didn’t want to go to his house, but we all have needs. I told him I should leave because I needed my medication in the morning. Passed out. Woke up, had a seizure, then made him go to my apartment to get my meds. This was a first date. FML

By Anonymous - 23/4/2021 08:08

Great first date

710

451

Today, I was chewed out by my boss for reporting someone not wearing a mask in our store, because, "no one likes a snitch." I'm the security guard. It's my job to report that to her. FML

By ActionBastard - 23/4/2021 04:59

Make your mind up

860

107

Today, I was looking at baby photos of me with my mom. I realized that I was making a funny face in some of them, particularly when smiling. I asked my mom if that was a silly face I used to like making. She replied, "Oh, honey no, you had Bell's Palsy until you were two." FML

By Jean Chretien Lookalike - 23/4/2021 02:04

News to me

626

Today, I was supposed to having the interview for which I'd been preparing for the past week. I join and 5 minutes later, some guy joins, just to tell me that there's been some technical issue and the interview will be rescheduled. FML

By Gunaditya - 23/4/2021 00:30

Drumroll please

619

Today, after drawing a huge portrait of a homeless man to raise awareness about homelessness, I showed it to him. When I told him I was glad he liked the drawing, he groped me. FML

By Erin - 22/4/2021 17:01 - United States - Pompton Plains

Gratitude walks

719

143

Today, the guy I really love, and who apparently loves me too, told me he just can’t be with me because he’s moving away to buy an oyster farm. FML

By Anonymous - 22/4/2021 21:30

The world is your oyster

677

Today, my sister put hair remover in my shampoo as a "prank" for her YouTube channel. My mom grounded her for a month, but let her keep her dumb channel because she cried and said she’d kill herself if she had to delete it. Meanwhile, it’ll take years for my hair to grow back the length it was. FML

By chrome dome - 22/4/2021 20:01

YouTube drama

1493