The best jokes about life

Today, I paid over $500 to pick up my car from the mechanic, after it'd spent almost a month there. It broke down again on the way home. FML

By Car Problems - 3/3/2021 20:01

Wreck

150

Today, it was an unusually warm day after many weeks of typical subfreezing temperatures, so my family and I went for a walk in the park. We all came back with mosquito bites. FML

By fax4voice3 - 3/3/2021 11:01 - United States - Greenwich

The climate is whack

186

Today, my country’s health minister said on TV, "Stay home! Don’t travel, don’t meet people!" The same evening, he drove to another state to have dinner with a group of people who gave money to his political party. He had taken a COVID test before. It came back positive. FML

By Jules - 3/3/2021 14:01 - Germany - Ebersbach

One law for thee…

347

Today, my boyfriend and I were setting up a desktop PC we'd bought second-hand. In the middle of this, he stopped, frowning, sniffed the air a few times and said we'd better give it a good dust, because it smelt like burning. I'd just farted. FML

By gassy - 3/3/2021 21:01 - Australia - Morwell

Stealth bomb

147

280

Today, I have to write my resume, and my teacher asked me about my secondary school activities. I'd never joined in any activities at that time, did no work experience, no volunteer work, except for two activities that I did in an institution centre this year. This all means I'm good at NOTHING. FML

By Karenfast17 - 3/3/2021 14:58 - Hong Kong - Kowloon

Are you experienced?

289

131

Today, I was sitting in the bus station when an old woman looked over at me, then said to her friend, "Young women are so pretty these days." Her friend looked up at me and said, "That's because makeup is so cheap these days." FML

By Anonymous - 3/3/2021 05:01

Lookin' good

392

Today, a girl told me, "You're so cute, like a monkey." I seriously don't know if it's a compliment or if I'm being insulted. FML

By naas1201 - 3/3/2021 02:01

What? Why? How?

429

Today, while talking to a boy, he asked what my name was and in a state of panic, I said, "Daddy." FML

By HarrisonR - 2/3/2021 23:30 - United Kingdom

Cool

335

273

Today, I found out that the guy I was talking to for over a year, who told me he was dying from Covid, is perfectly fine and he just didn't want to talk to me anymore. FML

By Anonymous - 2/3/2021 23:01

That's a new one!

574

Today, I burst into tears when my 35 year-old cousin announced on social media she is going to be a grandma. Her 16 year-old son's girlfriend is pregnant. I am 33, single, and have been romantically invisible to everyone my whole life. I'm gonna die alone. FML

By Anonymous - 2/3/2021 15:30 - United States

Time to adopt a bunch of cats

553

113

Today, my fiancée’s siblings kept calling me by her ex-boyfriend’s name. FML

By leogs23 - 2/3/2021 20:01

Force of habit, or just mean?

554

Today, I got home from work a few hours early to find my mum cheating, right in the middle of the act. So much for a nice afternoon off. FML

By Anonymous - 3/3/2021 02:58 - Australia - Melbourne

Bad, bad mom

668

Today, I learned I will hand my daughter off to a complete stranger in order to provide help during an emergency situation. I don't know whether I feel proud to be someone who steps up in the moment, or mortified and ashamed that I gave my kid to a bystander so easily. FML

By Anonymous - 2/3/2021 14:01

Be the hero

496

150

Today, my girlfriend dumped me after we watched Titanic for the first time together. Why? Two reasons. Because I cried, and apparently men aren't allowed to be emotional, and because she asked me if I would save her or a boat of women and children first. Neither answer was correct. FML

By Daligheri - 2/3/2021 11:01

Sinking feeling

697

Today, like every day, my boss was complaining about something or other, but this time it was work that I knew he'd done himself, and he still blamed me. FML

By Anonymous - 2/3/2021 02:01 - United States

Whipping boy

617

Today, five years after the birth of our last child, my husband still hasn't gotten the vasectomy he swore he would get. He wouldn't let me get my tubes tied, because it was "the least he could do," but when I ask about it, I'm a nag. FML

By Anonymous - 2/3/2021 05:01

Men and their balls

1040

138

Today, after a lifetime of struggles, I was finally officially diagnosed with ADHD. Thanks to years of ridicule, punishments, humiliation and even beatings over something I literally could not control, I also have terrible depression and anxiety. My mom still thinks I’m making it all up. FML

By Atypical - 2/3/2021 02:01

Mother of the year

826

Today, I dreamt that I was using the toilet. The toilet was a dream, but the rest wasn't. My pants were soaked. FML

By Anonymous - 1/3/2021 18:30 - United States - Randolph

You sleep in your pants?

603

115

Today, I got a great job offer but things are constantly changing at my current position due to COVID. So I was honest and told them I wanted to see what my employer could offer. They took back their offer and gave it to someone else. FML

By Anonymous - 1/3/2021 23:01

Hesitation

275

1254

Today, I found out my husband of one year has been renting his old batchelor's apartment in secret, because he is unsure if he wants to stay married to me, and we are broke. FML

By Anonymous - 1/3/2021 22:30 - South Africa

Secrecy

841

Today, my father retired and made sure to buy both my younger sisters and their partners near new cars. Despite only one having a licence. Then bought the bare minimal definition of a "functioning" car for me, as compensation for paying off the family car on my own. FML

By Anonymous - 2/3/2021 03:00 - Australia - Geraldton

Not the golden child

748

Today, I had a dream where I was with my last girlfriend, from five years ago. Nothing dirty. Just leaning on each other, talking, and smiling. Woke up and felt like she was really here, and now I miss her as much as when she had to leave the country. FML

By Anonymous - 1/3/2021 11:01 - United States - Pittsburgh

Missing the one

763

Today, after several hours, two pharmacies, several bus rides, $20, and many phone calls, I returned home. Guess who still doesn't have a glucose monitor? Yup, I have to go do this all again tomorrow. FML

By Niniva - 1/3/2021 08:01 - United States - Dahlonega

Scarcity

756

Today, the court is unable to allow me to divorce my wife because she is pregnant with our child. I have to wait until AFTER the baby is born, so that she is born inside of a marriage and not be an "illegitimate child". I was planning to move out of our house to go live with my high school sweetheart this weekend. FML

By HaroldLames - 1/3/2021 11:01

What have you got yourself into?

250

2052

Today, my cat jumped into my lap and sat on my headphone cord. I tried to get it out from under her by pulling on it. Big mistake. My cat is now eyeing the cord and will attack it if I move it again. I have expensive headphones and the cord is not interchangeable. FML

By Anonymous - 1/3/2021 02:01 - United States - Great Mills

A new enemy

545

328

Today, I overheard my mother-in-law say to her daughter "I can't wait for you to make me a real grandma." I'm pregnant with their first grandchild. FML

By Anonymous - 1/3/2021 05:01

Favoritism

924

Today, my 14 year-old daughter threatened to run away. Why? We live in southern Arizona. In the last week, she's found a dead tarantula and a live scorpion in her bedroom. In a couple of weeks it will be rattlesnake season. She's not liking the desert much anymore, where even the plants want to hurt you. FML

By fml9124 - 1/3/2021 02:00

Animal lover

709

350

Today, I found out I'm an uncle. Normally this would be great news, except I have spent the last 8 years thinking I was her father. FML

By Anonymous - 1/3/2021 00:30

Hi uncle, I'm dad

1503

Today, I tested positive for COVID… again. This pandemic has been going on for so long that after 11 months, my natural immunity has apparently worn off. I'm in the next group for the vaccine. FML

By SecondTimesACharm - 28/2/2021 17:01 - United States - Woodstock

Is that how it works?

824

121