The best jokes about life

Today, I had various items thrown at me all day at school, one one of which was a ruler that landed flat on my back where I had blistered and peeling sunburn. I yelped, "Motherf***er!" because of the pain, and I was the one given detention. FML

By Anonymous - 22/6/2021 16:01

Paul Blurt

117

Today, my long-distance boyfriend decided to tell me he found a girl in his hometown he’s become attracted to, and that he doesn’t love me anymore. He says we can "still be friends." I’d just driven 100 miles to see him. FML

By DumpedGirl89 - 22/6/2021 14:01

Long distance

194

Today, I accidentally let slip to my mom that I hardly remember the graduation party she threw me four years ago. She proceeded to verbally assault me for forgetting the special occasion. I had a brain complication two years ago which resulted in some memory loss. Apparently, it's my fault. FML

By Bleh - 22/6/2021 05:00 - United States - Midlothian

Fault

294

Today, I’m doing the 5 km bike ride to the grocery store. As always, I'm well equipped: Shopping bags, shopping list, pen, sunglasses, hat, sunscreen, raincoat, tampons, tissues, lip balm, water bottle… Anything I forgot? Aaah, yes. Money. FML

By Anonymous - 22/6/2021 08:01

BIKES!

303

Today, most people don’t realize how relaxing it is to poop on an indoor toilet. As in, being able to do your business in peace without having to keep mosquitoes from landing on your private parts. FML

By Anonymous - 22/6/2021 06:00

Really bugs me

306

Today, I had emergency surgery to remove my fallopian tubes. I'm one of the 0.5% of people who get pregnant after having their tubes tied. FML

By Anonymous - 22/6/2021 04:01

No shot

403

Today, I was babysitting my nephew. He was acting up, so instead of spanking him, I put him in the corner for timeout. He screamed and thrashed and kicked the walls so hard my neighbors called the police. My sister wasn’t answering her phone, and I had to explain why a 7-year-old was acting like that. FML

By never again! - 22/6/2021 02:01

Demon child

442

Today, my new drone got stuck on the neighbour's roof. I'd bought the drone to look at my roof because I don’t like going up on ladders. FML

By Matthew Smith - 21/6/2021 21:01 - United Kingdom

Acrophobia

294

305

Today, I was supposed to ask for extra memory allocation for my Linux server, but instead of typing, "Can you increase my memory capacity?", I typed, "Can you increase my mammary capacity?" in a group full of senior engineers. FML

By Anonymous - 21/6/2021 20:01

Tits McGee

449

146

Today, my mom ate some flowers without knowing if they were safe. Turns out they are slightly poisonous and she had an upset stomach, but she will be fine. Her excuse? "I didn't know it had poison." I had to explain that's exactly why you don't eat plants you don't know are poisonous or not. FML

By Anonymous - 21/6/2021 17:59

Pica?

535

Today, I went to my first party, hoping to maybe meet some people. I was there for 4 hours, and the person/thing that I interacted most with was a cat. FML

By haileypaige123 - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Party time!

25779

7082

Today, the guy we'd offered to hire, who had a 2-month notice period, emailed to say he couldn't come after all, because his employer offered to retain him. In this two-month timeframe, we didn't interview anybody else and now we're in deep shit. FML

By Anonymous - 21/6/2021 19:31 - India - Bangalore

Looking for a job?

485

277

Today, I found out my mom is sleeping with my boss. My dad doesn’t know yet. FML

By bioloss - 21/6/2021 08:01 - United States - New York

To snitch or not to snitch

692

Today, I was packing up to move when I decided to take a break. I went to get some water from the sink when a bug fell into my cup. Needless to say, I'm glad I'm moving. FML

By Julie Wuertz - 21/6/2021 11:01

Shithole

516

Today, while leaving late for work, I walked out to my car only to find the back window broken. Worst part was, I still had to go to work because no one who could cover me showed up. FML

By Anonymous - 21/6/2021 08:02

Great organization

535

Today, I accidentally moaned my own name during sex. FML

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

36892

30783

Today, I was eating lunch with my grandmother when a very muscular young man entered the restaurant. As soon as he walked in, my 70-year-old widowed grandmother looked at him and said, out loud, "Ooh, eye candy!" Everyone in the restaurant began staring at us, and the poor guy's face was red as a tomato. FML

By Anonymous - 20/6/2021 23:01 - United States - Steele

Randy Mandy

673

Today, my divorce certificate arrived in the mail. Reading it felt like I was punched in the face by a brick. FML

By MissT - 21/6/2021 09:59 - Australia - Dianella

Love hurts

619

Today, I was demoted at work to a much harder and more time-consuming position because, I quote, "You have more experience." My boss is now telling the others I volunteered to be moved to the lower position. FML

By ugh1234 - 21/6/2021 02:01

Do as you're told

712

Today, my husband was two hours late from picking up my daughter from practice. I called his cell once to check if they were alright. When they finally arrived, he was annoyed at me for "controlling" him. He then pushed his sweaty shirt in my face to take in his "musty scent". When I refused, he got mad again. FML

By Anonymous - 21/6/2021 00:01

Kevin can fuck himself

689

Today, I’ve always tried to be understanding that my girlfriend grew up very poor and is therefore extremely frugal. However, I finally had to draw the line when she flipped out on me for throwing out her respooled used dental floss and buying another. It was 98 cents for a new one. FML

By that’s just gross - 20/6/2021 13:01

Jesus saves!

784

Today, I got a citation from school. My 10-year-old son was caught smoking cigarettes during recess. FML

By Smoked. - 20/6/2021 12:59 - Mexico - Mexico

Get 'em while they're young

669

141

Today, I dislocated my shoulder doing a really big stretch when I woke up. After the doctor relocated it, my dad told me I still had to do my chores. No excuses. FML

By Anonymous - 20/6/2021 18:01

Get some rest

681

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend from 4 years ago. Turns out she hasn’t found love again since I broke it off with her for her best friend. She’s not the bubbly, cheery girl I met before. I can’t help but feel like an asshole. FML

By Yanil - 20/6/2021 16:02

Am I the asshole?

241

1685

Today, my mom was pulling up weeds on the terrace while wearing gardening gloves. Why is that worth mentioning? Because that's literally all she was wearing. FML

By Anonymous - 20/6/2021 14:01 - Germany

Let it all hang out

816

Today, I did the math: back at college in 2011, I had a $20,000+ reimbursement from my school. If I had invested even half my cash into Bitcoin then ($2.50), I would be worth over $120,000,000. Instead, I said, "Fuck that! This is stupid", and am now over $200,000 in student loan debt. FML

By Anonymous - 20/6/2021 11:00

Shoulda woulda coulda

621

204

Today, as a nursing student, I needed to take a blood sample from someone and the veins on his arms weren't really easy to draw blood from. I asked him, "Can I please look at your legs?" It turns out he was amputated. FML

By Anonymous - 20/6/2021 08:01

Classic mistake

671

177

Today, I got a callback for a job, asking for an interview. I got very excited but also anxious because it's my first job after graduating from uni. While I was on call scheduling the interview, I realised I'd accidentally applied to the Royal Post to be a mailman. Now I have to call again and explain. FML

By Anonymous - 19/6/2021 21:01

Postman Pat

193

709

Today, the day before I was supposed to go back to work after I got sick, ended up in the hospital, and primary doctor put me on medical leave, I got fired. FML

By Anonymous - 19/6/2021 19:01 - United States - Los Angeles

Workers of the world unite

778