The best jokes about life

216

Today, there are two parts to my life: The 12 hours I spend in bed each night trying to fall asleep, with limited success, and the 12 hours I'm up and trying *not* to fall asleep, also with limited success. FML

By Anonymous - 19/1/2021 11:01 - Germany

Sing me to sleep

276

Today, after my boyfriend used to tell me that, with his demanding job, he just didn’t have the time or energy for a meaningful conversation with me. Thanks to COVID, he works 90% less now, finding time for online college, cooking and new furniture, yet didn’t invest even one extra minute into our couple. FML

By Anonymous - 19/1/2021 07:59

Bottom of the list

309

Today, my boss keeps pointing out similarities between his wife and me. I genuinely dislike her, and have feelings for him. FML

By Anonymous - 19/1/2021 05:02

Sticky situation

132

396

Today, I was telling my friend how much I love my 20-year-old kitchen scale, because it has this one handy function that even new ones don’t have. Later, my mom melted it on the stove and isn’t even convinced she should buy me a new one. FML

By Anonymous - 19/1/2021 02:01

On a scale of 1 to Annoying…

416

Today, I caught up with a good friend and he let me rant about my sexless marriage. He was really understanding and supportive. I got home and he sent me 5 pictures of his wife in a small bikini, saying, “Guess who doesn’t have your problems?” FML

By Anonymous - 18/1/2021 23:01

Supportive

494

Today, our cat is in heat. Her male counterpart is sitting outside my bedroom door, serenading her loudly, and has sprayed his piss all over the house, making sure she cannot escape him broadcasting his availability. FML

By Anonymous - 18/1/2021 20:01

Neuter your pets

225

657

Today, I was using the same metal spoon to stir boiling noodles and the pasta sauce I was heating up. I decided to taste the sauce and see if it was getting warm, forgetting that the spoon was sitting in boiling water three seconds earlier. FML

By Anonymous - 18/1/2021 17:01

Can't feel my tongue

190

562

Today, my fiancé was offered a job by my boss working as a dishwasher. This is awesome, especially since he just got fired from his last job. When I brought it up, his reply was, "I don't want to work as a dishwasher." I guess beggars can be choosers. FML

By Anonymous - 18/1/2021 14:01

Lazy git

644

115

Today, we got the news that my dad will be dying of Covid. My mom, former nurse, still insist it's a hoax and that the holistic route will cure him. FML

By Anonymous - 18/1/2021 11:01

If it quacks like a duck, it's a quack

796

Today, I'm 3 days post-partum and my husband accidentally jabbed into my side while flopping onto the couch. FML

By Ouch - 18/1/2021 08:02

Fragile

564

Today, a small fly was harassing my face, then it landed on a book next to me. I waved at it to make it leave, but it didn't. I got my fingers closer to it, to scare it off. Instead, it jumped on my finger as a playful parrot pet, spent a moment there, and flew off. I cannot even intimidate a fly. FML

By Anonymous - 18/1/2021 04:58

Impressive

430

128

Today, my college is so intent on teaching us teamwork that we hardly ever get to do any assignment by ourselves. Even if we could do it better alone. Even if we spend half our time trying to find a slot where all the team members are free to meet. And of course it’s a different team for each task. FML

By Anonymous - 18/1/2021 02:01 - Germany - Ebersbach

Organisation rules

583

Today, I found out that the rivalry between my boyfriend and my only friend I have in this city was just a cover up. I'm now a single mom of a 2 year-old and a 5 month-old. FML

By malicemassacre - 17/1/2021 23:01

Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies

770

107

Today, the only thing more unbearable than lockdown is lockdown with sloppy roommates, who do nothing but complain about each other behind their backs to me, and also bring up past events like a broken record. FML

By Anonymous - 17/1/2021 14:01 - United States - Pittsburgh

Cabin fever

557

Today, I stabbed myself in the nipple with scissors trying to cut an opening in the supposedly hands-free pumping bra I just bought. I breastfeed my 5-day-old. FML

By Anonymous - 17/1/2021 10:59 - United States - Farmingdale

What a tit

549

231

Today, instead of forwarding my male boss my Covid screening results, I sent him and the entire leadership team an email offer for testosterone boosters. FML

By Anonymous - 17/1/2021 13:59

Check these out, guys!

246

544

Today, I had the house to myself for the morning. I decided to enjoy being alone, so pulled my trusty bullet vibrator from the drawer. I was very much into it, loving the alone time and myself, and was on the edge of climax when my vibrator died. This brought me to tears, because all I wanted to do was be alone and masturbate. FML

By Anonymous - 17/1/2021 11:01

Technology hates humans

799

167

Today, and for the past year, I've been struggling with depression because of family life. I've been talking to my mom for the past weeks, telling her things that happen when she isn't home as a way to build trust. I finally told her I have depression and have had had it for a long time. She laughed. FML

By Anonymous - 17/1/2021 01:59 - Jamaica - Kingston

Thanks for being so compassionate

730

Today, I asked my boyfriend what would happen if I didn’t get into the same school as him. He replied, "Then we’ll just break up." We broke up. I still don’t know what school I’m going to. FML

By Anonymous - 16/1/2021 21:01 - Canada - Edmonton

Seize the day

578

103

Today, I came early from my job, just to find my boyfriend in bed, with my dad. FML

By kikuhime - 17/1/2021 02:01

Oh, hello

1242

Today, I was paired up with a girl in my class for a project. She started crying. FML

By Anonymous - 16/1/2021 23:01

Unloveable

720

Today, I had a job interview. I have another job I want to leave, but haven't said anything yet. At the interview, I mentioned where I worked, and the interviewer name-dropped my manager. She then told me he was her step brother. So much for not wanting my manager to know. FML

By Kayla - 16/1/2021 11:02 - United States - Wenatchee

Never name-drop

839

111

Today, after there was only one family that hated me enough to beat me up when we were kids, and we still don't get along as adults, my youngest brother is now dating into that family, and one of my older brothers is dating into that family too. It's like some kinda sick curse, or karma. FML

By Anonymous - 16/1/2021 12:01 - Canada - Charlottetown

No, not them!

614

Today, I got into an accident, driving pretty slowly on a left turn signal trying to avoid a curb, sticking it out for too long, breaking a car's sideview mirror and causing scratches. The police was called. I have to appear in court for a misdemeanour for my first offence ever. Good bye student visa. FML

By Anonymous - 16/1/2021 14:01

Slow moving accident

479

308

Today, my friend's phone rang in class and my teacher thought it was me, so now I have detention for a week. FML

By Anonymous - 16/1/2021 04:01 - United States - Milwaukee

Hello?

646

Today, I was eatings a bag of chips when one of the pieces broke off into a sharp point and when I chewed it, it stabbed into my gums. When I got up to wash the blood out of my mouth, I hit my big toe on my desk corner. FML

By Anonymous - 16/1/2021 08:01

Unfortunate

674

Today, my mom asked me what I wanted as a gift, so I said a Cricut machine. She replied, "You don’t need exercise equipment, you need to eat healthier." A Cricut is a sticker maker. FML

By Asl94 - 16/1/2021 05:01

Are you calling me a fatass?

598

Today, my oven door fell off when I was trying to take out the bacon I was cooking. Why? Nobody hates bacon. FML

By punkiebrew - 16/1/2021 02:01

Bacon lovers unite

449