Today, I asked a guy what the girl who I'm crushing on thought of me. He said, "She thinks you're harmless." I was thrilled and said, "Yes!" He then said, "Dude, that's not a good thing, like, at all, unless you wanna go shopping with her and hear about the guys she fucks." FML
Today, I'm a third-year college student. Between classes Monday-Thursday and a part-time job from Friday-Sunday, checking my work schedule for November has revealed that I do not have ONE SINGLE DAY OFF IN NOVEMBER. Literally in classes 4 days a week, working the other 3. I'm actually going to die. FML
Today, I'm on the J train in Brooklyn NY and we are dead-stop in the middle of the track between stations because someone is literally on the track ahead of us. NYPD is handling it, and the train conductor said, “We hope to be moving ‘eventually’…” I love NYC. FML
Today, after months of living on five dollars a day for food in college, I found out my parents bought me an expensive meal plan and forgot to mention it. FML
Today, the daughter of a patient called me, again, on my direct line after I repeatedly told her she had to go through the secretary for non-urgent matters. She said, "OMG, are you serious?" and hung up on me mid-sentence while I was talking about her father. FML
Today, I asked my adoptive parents to put me back in foster care because now that my adoptive mother is pregnant, I know that they won't love or need me anymore. Not only did they say no, but they yelled and screamed at me the whole day, and grounded me until New Year's. FML
Today, my boyfriend proposed to me at his own sister's funeral. Not only did I say no, but I'm seriously rethinking our relationship. FML
Today, my poor wife injured her back so severely she can no longer stand or pull up her pants by herself. I've been helping her as much as possible, but she wants to do everything herself, which I get. That was, until she started her period. So much blood… FML
Today, I learned why my boyfriend of 10 months and I never hang out at his place. He still lives at home with his mother. He's 38. FML
Today, I'm on day 5 of recovering from minimally invasive spinal surgery. Before this I was in so much pain due to a bulging disk squeezing my spine, I could barely walk across the street. The good news is I can finally stand up straight; the bad news is that immediately after the surgery was done, my right foot went completely numb. FML
Today, I'm right now walking out of the ER. My brother-in-law thought it was funny to chop down my receding hair while I was asleep. I woke up to the buzzing sound and the first thing I did was to instinctively knock him out cold. My sis just told me, "You're lucky nobody called the cops on you." FML
Today, I got reached out to by an old flame who, in her words, “wants to fuck the life out of me again.” We’re both engaged to new people and have kids. The hardest part? She looks even better now than ever, and I’m a fat hairy slob. FML
Today, I got on the train with my bike, leaning it up against the wall. After a while, it began to slide down the wall and wobble, so I dashed out to catch it. As I ran for it, I slipped and crashed into it, knocking it into an old man and busting the rear brake. FML
Today, plans I had to move into a new place fell through because the person I was going to move in with suddenly developed health problems. I’m going to be homeless at the end of the year. FML
Today, I unwittingly saw my supervisor's undies when turning to ask for help from someone else. She wears miniskirts most of the time and there is no way I can unsee this picture. FML
Today, I figured that the reason I'm the black sheep of my family is because I wasn't a teen mom, unlike my sisters, and kept my head on straight. Going no contact isn't an option because we live in a tiny town and I cannot afford to move. FML
Today, my 6-year-old daughter watched The Lion King for the first time. Now, whenever I ask her to do something, she replies "Hakuna Matata" and doesn't even get up. I think she took "No worries" to mean "Don't give a shit about anything." FML
Today, I ruined my friendship of 12 years. Important backstory: he had kind of bullied me growing up but we became friends when we got older. Long story short, he dumped his partner of several years and got back together with his ex on the same day. I took the partner's side instead of his. FML
Today, most people’s girlfriends get drunk and text nonsense. My girlfriend gets drunk and texts massive spoilers to books, shows, and movies I haven’t read or seen yet. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me for saying for the umpteenth time, "I still don't care!" when he brought up some podcasters divorcing in a conversation about our actual friends. He even mentioned the podcast crew being like actual family. Go live with them, then! FML
Today, after being single for a while now, I unwillingly went on a blind date with a guy my friend convinced me would be perfect for me. He took me to McDonald's. His father was with him the whole entire time. He's 27. FML
Today, I took my dog to the groomer's and asked them to trim just a little fur and floof around his eyes. When I collected him, he looked completely different. Apparently, “just a little” means something different to everyone. I'm not even sure it's the same dog, he looks like a baffled rat. FML
Today, I was pricing cremations because I have terminal cancer. I learned that because I'm fat, they are going to charge me more. Even on my way out I'm being fat shamed. FML
Today, my 20 year-old self, who works shift work, learned by accident that my 14 year-old brother has been using my toothbrush for the past 6+ months. I wouldn't have known due to my schedule until just now when I found it was wet. He admitted it, but was upset with me for using HIS toothbrush. It has my name on it. FML
Today, I spent the morning cleaning before my prim and proper new friend came over. Just as she was supposed to arrive to marvel at my spotless apartment, I knocked a full mug of coffee onto the freshly vacuumed rug. We spent the first 20 minutes of our time together trying to get the fucking stain out, and I was sweating buckets until she left. FML
Today, I was walking through a crosswalk when a lady in a car looked at me with a horrified expression and then hit her door locks repeatedly. FML
Today, I bought tickets for a comedy show as a surprise for my boyfriend. We arrived, found our seats, and waited for the show. The comedian came on and announced that the whole set would be in French. I'd not bought tickets for the wrong comedian, it was an "all-improv performance" or something. My boyfriend though it was hilarious. FML
Today, I made a big pot of soup for the week and portioned it into containers. So, on my very first day trying this out, I took one to work and heated it up. I'd somehow not put the lid on properly before putting it in my bag. I spent my lunch break cleaning soup chunks out of my backpack. FML
Today, I had a haircut booked for 5 p.m. and arrived ten minutes early. The salon was closed, so I checked the confirmation text. I'd booked it for 5 p.m. but on the previous day. I ended up going home with the same shite haircut I'd been trying to fix. FML
Today, I overheard my husband telling his friend that he wished a zombie apocalypse would happen in real life, so he could take me out back and shoot me without having to worry about going to prison. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
