FML : Your everyday life stories

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World

Today, a day before my birthday, I'm submitting my unplanned resignation after receiving an applicant's phone call inquiring about my position. Because yep, there was already an ad for an opening in my position. FML

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By beybmoo - / Wednesday 20 September 2017 03:45 / Singapore - Singapore

Today, I found out that most of my family has the same fetish as I do. I don't know whether to be revolted or relieved that I'm not the only one. FML

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By Ewwwwno - / Tuesday 19 September 2017 11:00 / United States - Seattle

Some Dude Got His Penis Stuck in a Gym Weight and It Took Firefighters Three Hours to Cut it Out

In this edition of “Don’t Put Your Dick in That” the FML news team heads to Germany, where one lascivious gym-goer gave into the allure...

By Nina - / Tuesday 19 September 2017 18:30 /

Today, I was playing a game on my boyfriend's phone when he got a text from a girl saying, "last night was so fun." When I asked him about it, he panicked and said, "we were hunting Bigfoot." FML

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By poisonivyandbigfoot - / Tuesday 19 September 2017 16:00 /

Today, my seemingly innocent younger brother showed our family a video of what he was doing last night when he skipped New Student Orientation. He's been in college all of 48 hours and he's already joined a fight club. FML

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By Anonymous - / Tuesday 19 September 2017 13:00 /

Today, I broke a toe. It was not too bad and I can still walk, but the doctors had to tape it to the next toe to help it heal. Turns out I am allergic to the glue on the tape. The pain of the blisters covering two toes and the itch is worst than the break. FML

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By floff - / Tuesday 19 September 2017 04:30 /

Today, some wisenheimer hacked my Facebook account and posted that I just won the Powerball. I now currently have 284 "friend" requests and 142 tags as "family". FML

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By lucky? - / Tuesday 19 September 2017 01:30 /

Improve your life with these simple anti-FML life hacks!

The following information are called "Life Hacks" because they aim to pirate your way of life and make it better. However, some are...

By MacGyver - / Tuesday 19 September 2017 00:30 /

Today, I discovered I have a condition that causes loss of feeling in my clitoris during sex. FML

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By numbcrumb - / Monday 18 September 2017 23:15 /

World

Slovenia

Today, I've spent hours looking at photos of my husband and his ex-girlfriends that his mother keeps in a photo album. She doesn't have any pictures of us. We're married and expecting our first child. FML

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By Anonymous - / Monday 18 September 2017 21:45 / Slovenia - Medvode

Today, I dropped my 6-month-old $3,500 guitar. Luckily, it had a one year warranty from the store so I drove back. It was shut down. FML

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By Renna303 - / Monday 18 September 2017 20:00 /

This Twitter Saga About A 12-Year-Old Who Gets His Girlfriend Pregnant Is A Comedy Roller Coaster You’re Going to Want to Ride

In the latest literary blockbuster à la Twitter, a pre-teen learns the importance of sex education after his girlfriend tells him he’s...

By Nina - / Monday 18 September 2017 18:30 / France - Paris

Today, I found out the works council won't let the company offer me the job for which I was the only applicant because the council requires 3 years experience with the company. I've only been here for 2 years, 10 months, and 26 days. FML

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By starving_freelancer_forever - / Monday 18 September 2017 16:00 /

Today, I found out that both of my cats are afraid of mice. So far I've seen them run and hide from 3 different mice who've recently invaded my apartment. FML

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By "Brain_fart" - / Monday 18 September 2017 05:00 / United States - Salt Lake City

Today, despite being claustrophobic and avoiding lifts at all costs, I had to use the lift at work to carry boxes of paper to the 3rd floor. It broke down. FML

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By LETMEOUT! - / Monday 18 September 2017 04:30 /

Today, I realized that the random string of numbers I deleted in my phone notes a few months ago was actually the pin code to my new bank account. FML

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By Anonymous - / Monday 18 September 2017 01:30 /

FML's 15 favorite and/or weirdest blunders of the week!

Whether it's people not understanding how the world works or just people fucking their shit up, this is the place to check out idiots...

By Hawkeye Pierce - / Monday 18 September 2017 00:30 /

Today, I was watching my dog via security camera live feed, when my roommate came in completely naked to make breakfast for himself. FML

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By oneloveliz - / Sunday 17 September 2017 23:15 /

Today, I found my wallet while cleaning my room. The same wallet I'd accused my drug-dealing stepbrother of stealing a month ago. The same wallet that has $500 in it that I was certain he'd taken. The same one my stepfather yelled at him for, because he believed me. FML

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By Klutche - / Sunday 17 September 2017 14:00 / United States - Seminole

30 Times Women Had the Perfect Comeback to Creepy Guys Texting

When a dude tries sliding into your DMs with some creepy shit, things can get out of hand. But while being on the receiving end of...

By Nina - / Sunday 17 September 2017 18:30 /

Today, I walked out of my boyfriend's house to see my car window smashed in and my steering wheel cover stolen. I was only staying at his place because there had been a rash of vehicle break-ins in my neighborhood. FML

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By "Mel Hahn" - / Sunday 17 September 2017 16:00 /

Today, my mom bitched me out in front of my friends because I had my first kiss at "such a young age". She's 15 years older than me. FML

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By MrDisgrace - / Sunday 17 September 2017 13:00 /

Today, after storing it for a year, driving it 750 miles to a new home, and waiting a week for a wall mount to come in, I was ready to hang the hand-painted, decorative window my brother gave me. The chain snapped as I picked it up and it shattered when it hit the floor. FML

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You deserved it

By Anonymous - / Sunday 17 September 2017 04:30 /

Today, while sorting through my deceased mother's hoard of belongings, I found myself holding a necklace composed entirely of teeth. Human teeth. FML

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You deserved it

By Anonymous - / Sunday 17 September 2017 01:30 /

17 FMLs About People Whose Puppies Had Them in Over Their Heads

Today, FML has got puppies on the brain. Why? Well because it’s National Puppy Mill Awareness Day and Responsible Dog Ownership Day!...

By Nina - / Sunday 17 September 2017 00:30 / France - Paris

Do Not Pass Go

Today, I started at a new college. I bought my textbooks and went to my first class only to find out that they changed my schedule without telling me. I'd already opened the book. I could not get $200 back. FML

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By Rex - / Saturday 16 September 2017 16:15 / United States - Camden

Today, I was fired for job abandonment. Yesterday, my boss told me to go home early because we were so slow. After I reminded him, he laughed and said, "Oh yeah... You're still fired." FML

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By RetailScapegoat - / Saturday 16 September 2017 20:00 /

Get Ready to Burn! Only Those Who get 10/13 on This Quiz Would’ve Survived the Salem Witch Trials, Are You One of Them?

I really hope you guys don’t have anything against witches because as it turns out, I am one. So if I were to have lived in New England...

By FML Approved - / Saturday 16 September 2017 18:30 /

Today, after years of pain and swelling in my foot from what I thought was chronic ankle sprains, I found out I have a broken bone in my foot. I have no clue how long it's been broken. FML

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By "indienerdgirl" - / Saturday 16 September 2017 13:00 /

Today, I signed a lease with a coworker because she seemed normal enough and our city is ridiculously expensive. Promptly after signing, she said that she's having an affair with another coworker and that he needs a place to stay as his wife is kicking him out. FML

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By snowbirdie34 - / Saturday 16 September 2017 04:30 /

FML

The Top

FML: Uncensored

Today, I was enjoying my last day of Spring Break in Panama City. I got up to dance on the stage at the Holiday Inn in front of hundreds of college kids....

FML: Uncensored

Today, my girlfriend was giving me head during the horror flick we were watching. Little did I know, my girlfriend isn't a big fan of horror films. It...

FML: Uncensored

Today, while spending the night at a friend's house, I was woken up by someone kicking me. I figured she was having a nightmare, and since we were sharing...

FML Uncensored

Today, I surprisingly found two empty seats on the subway. Before anyone could get to them, I rushed and triumphantly sat down, enjoying my victory, until...

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Nearly

Today, I gave my lunch to a fellow vet with a "broke and hungry" sign. He thanked me by screaming abuse and smashing the soda can through my rear window....

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Today, I ordered a sandwich and asked for no onions. When I got home, the sandwich in fact had onions on it. Also a pubic hair. FML

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World

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Singapore

Today, a day before my birthday, I'm submitting my unplanned resignation after receiving an applicant's phone call inquiring about my position. Because...

Slovenia

Today, I've spent hours looking at photos of my husband and his ex-girlfriends that his mother keeps in a photo album. She doesn't have any pictures of...

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Photos

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Spicy

Today, while fingering my girlfriend in the dark, I tried to be sexy and licked my fingers. After we turned the lights back on, we realized that her period...

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You deserved it

Today, my girlfriend was sick for the fourth day in a row. I stopped by her house to check on her and bring some necessities, only to find her ex's truck...

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