Today, I joined a video call five minutes early and started checking my emails while I waited. Someone said, “You're already sharing your screen.” I'd accidentally shown everyone my inbox for the first five minutes. FML
Today, I was paying for groceries when the cashier asked if I wanted cash back. I said yes and handed over my card. She stared at me and said, “You're using a library card.” I'd pulled the wrong card out of my wallet. FML
Today, at my job at a ceramics store, I was loading a $300 statuette into a woman's car when I saw a dismembered foot in the trunk. I was so startled that I dropped the statuette and it shattered. Turns out the foot was fake and now my boss says I have to pay for the damage. FML
Today, my husband complained that the kids are more attached to me than they are to him. Let’s see: I do all the housework, school activities, doctor and dentist appointments, extracurriculars, and cook dinner every night. What does he do? He works so he thinks we should all exalt him. FML
Today, my wife and I were house-hunting. The only house that looked remotely like what we hoped for had a neighbor who flies a huge American flag and owns a massive pickup. I think we'll keep looking. FML
Today, the girl I’ve moved mountains and bent over backwards for chose another man over me. When I asked her why him and not me, she said, “He’s more attractive.” But she sure found me “attractive” when I spent $20k on her for gifts, favors, etc. She put me in the friend-zone, except when I took my wallet out. FML
Today, I was at the airport to pick up my mother since my baby is due soon. As she arrived, I smiled wide and opened my arms for a hug, but she walked right by me. Apparently, being pregnant makes me unrecognizable. My husband and I had to tell it her was me, her own daughter. FML
Today, I went through another breakup. This will be my fourth in two years. None of them could handle or accept that I'm still best friends with my ex-husband, who is actually gay. FML
Today, I thought I'd try to play Marvel Rivals, but my anxiety over having to interact with other people got so bad I panicked and never made it past the main menu. I really wanted to make friends or something. FML
Today, I asked my husband if I should wear my black or red heels with my dress. He looked me up and down from the sofa and said, “We needed to leave 45 minutes ago to have any prayer of getting there on time, I'm now watching TV, so you and your heels please leave me alone now.” Oops. FML
Today, I was complaining to my boyfriend about our excessive water bill. He then says, "Don't look at me, I don't even shower." FML
Today, via the power of crooked lawyers, it is possible for a husband to dump all three kids on his ex-wife whilst keeping the house for himself and paying no child support. I’m the ex-wife, and my three kids are sharing a blanket on my dad's sofa, with school in the morning. FML
Today, my girlfriend caught the bouquet at her friend's wedding, then shook them in my face like an accusation. I joined in the laughing with everyone else, but it put her in a mood, and she now hasn’t spoken to me in two days. FML
Today, I had to take an urgent dump at work. I noticed too late there was no toilet paper left, so I had to risk doing a quick "pants around the knees" shuffle to the next stall. I locked eyes with the window cleaner at the same time I heard someone enter from behind me. FML
Today, my baby goat was diagnosed with a liver shunt. There is no treatment, not even reasonable palliative care. She will be euthanized tomorrow and a necropsy will be performed to make sure. Her sire can no longer be used for breeding, either. FML
Today, I learned that I may have lung cancer. I've never smoked a day in my life but it could be from secondhand smoke exposure from all the years of my mom smoking around me. FML
Today, despite me getting my period every two weeks and bleeding heavily enough that I faint if I move too fast, my doctor told me that it's normal and to just "take it easy". FML
Today, I had to pick up my drunk mom at bar. While we were driving home, she thanked me over and over again, and then said, "Thank god you have no life!" FML
Today, I was watching a Facebook reel of this guy who tried to kill a giant spider with a shoe. All of a sudden the spider disappeared, then came running up his arm towards me so fast it spooked the fuck outta me and I threw my phone hard as hell down the stairs! The worst part is I’m sure he knew that was gonna happen. FML
Today, I'm a game dev with hardly any money at the moment, and I got offered to sell my game's source code for a fat stack of cash to train AI models. I refused because I don't want to be replaced, but I feel bad because I'm still poor af. FML
Today, my boys fight a lot, and I watched as one of them revealed he bought a frigging knight's shield to protect himself, so his brother punched the shield, which flew backwards, hit him in the mouth and broke a tooth. I could not make this up if I tried. JUST GET ALONG ALREADY! FML
Today, while in my backyard, I had some insane gastric distress. I let out a fart so powerful that it made me yelp in pain, and left my asshole numb. A second later, I heard a cough come from over my neighbor's fence. I had to quietly limp back into my house in shame. FML
Today, a customer got pissed off and called me a "libtard" simply because I admitted that I had absolutely no clue who Charlie Kirk was, but I'm the one in trouble for telling him to GTFO because I don't take crap from people. FML
Today, I went to the Cheesecake Factory and treated myself to an appetizer, an entree, a dessert, and some cocktails. The bill was higher than I expected and I was $50 short. I faked having a food allergy and had the staff call 911 so they could take me to the hospital, so I would get out of paying. It worked. FML
Today, I was diagnosed with Bell's palsy. I have exams tomorrow and I have interviews for residency coming up. Sadly, the left half of my face will not work for another two months. FML
Today, my wife caught me crying over her miscarriage and she started yelling and screaming at me to "man up" because she should be the sad one, not me. FML
Today, I was walking to the movie theatre with my boyfriend, when three guys muscled over and told us to hand over our phones. My boyfriend didn't waste any time pushing past me and running like hell, leaving me in tears and almost having a panic attack. FML
Today, my girlfriend freaked out because I tried to introduce her to me being a Little. Instead of hearing me out or trying to learn anything real about the lifestyle, she just called me a sick pervert because of all the bad crap people write about us online. FML
Today, I was heating up my rig and about to do a dab when the rig piece fell out onto my hotel blanket, melting it, and getting plastic on the rig. Then I went to fan the smoke detector and I grabbed a pizza box, not thinking about if it was empty or not, and pizza flew everywhere as I fanned. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me for asking to spend time with him after not seeing him very much in three months, because he doesn’t have time for me and is so stressed out he doesn’t have time for fun. Then he decided he should go to Mexico with the people he works and lives with so they could have fun together. FML
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