The best jokes about life

237

Today, after spending months building my boss 3 websites and finishing them, I was fired via a short email, saying she didn't need my help anymore. I only worked for her for 3 months, so basically I stopped being useful when I finished her websites. FML

By Larissa E. Royster - 26/9/2021 17:00

Welcome to capitalism, baby

302

Today, it was my 24th birthday. I got a card from my sister that read, "Here's to another year of complete disregard for age-appropriate developmental milestones." She's right. FML

By nothreat33 - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Young at heart

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Today, in France, a "Vaccine Pass" is needed to do most things. Some family members came to visit, but as they aren't vaccinated they usually just stay home. They told us that we're dangerous, because we carry "millions of viruses" from the vaccine, and it will be our fault if they get Covid. FML

By Ariane - 26/9/2021 14:00

That's not how that works, it's not how anything works

356

Today, my kids did not tell me the AC guy was here. I got up and went to the restroom in my bra and underwear, and the AC guy was standing in the bathroom. Our AC unit is downstairs, so both me and the AC guy were shocked. FML

By Anonymous - 26/9/2021 10:59

Oh, hai Mark!

354

Today, I took a polygraph. The interviewer was mad at the way I was breathing and looking down once instead of straight ahead. The third test I started crying because he raised his voice, saying I was disrespecting his time. I was trying so hard but couldn't breathe with the equipment on, leaving my mind blank. FML

By Anonymous - 26/9/2021 02:00 - United States

Polygraphs are BS

435

Today, a girl I've been casually seeing just gave me the, "You're a great guy, but I'm not ready for a relationship" speech. A few hours later, I see a video in a group chat of her making out and laughing with another guy, while my other friends just watched and laughed. I'm just done trying, why am I always getting shit on? FML

By Anonymous - 25/9/2021 20:00 - United States - Huntington Beach

Nice guy vibes

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Today, after 5 and a half years, my boyfriend had spent months talking about proposing before the end of the year. He'd picked out a ring, told all his friends, and couldn't stop talking about our future. He then dumped me over the phone out of the blue. FML

By Anonymous - 26/9/2021 01:00 - Ireland

What happened?

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Today, my wife and I were getting intimate in the morning. First time in forever. Things were just starting to get steamy when our 10-month-old daughter woke up. FML

By Anonymous - 25/9/2021 23:00

Not now

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Today, I made the major mistake of trusting a fart during a job interview. Needless to say, I didn’t get the job. FML

By Anonymous - 25/9/2021 20:00

Too trusting

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Today, I told a lady that came into my clothing store that I thought her abstract looking necklace was pretty. She responded, "Oh… That's actually a pipe that goes into my lung." FML

By oopsjsp90 - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Australia

Foot in mouth

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Today, my husband was arrested because a fox, fleeing from about a billion dogs and rich twats on horses, jumped through our car window and was cowering between my legs. So he got out of the car, waded through the dogs and pulled one of the twats off his horse into a puddle, ruining his red coat. FML

By Anonymous - 25/9/2021 17:01

Fuck fox hunts

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118

Today, I got broken up with, after renovating her family's apartment over the last 9 months. She even waited until I'd hung the last lights, whose shipment was delayed. FML

By franzia - 25/9/2021 14:00

Cheap labor

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Today, over a year after my aunt started working for my dad, her timesheets are 8 months overdue. Dad gets mad at me when I complain. She has no consequences, even though business taxes will be very late. She complains about taxes on her 6-figure salary, while I'm part-time hourly. I wish I could find a new job. FML

By Anonymous - 25/9/2021 10:59

Nepotism rules

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Today, I woke up early in the morning after sleeping 3 hours. Stepped into the kitchen and made myself a cup of coffee like usual. I was sipping my hot coffee while studying, until I noticed a small roach skeleton. I found 3 more in my coffee maker. FML

By JohnX - 25/9/2021 08:00

Good morning

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Today, I was dismissed from my job for my poor absence record. I'd not received any formal warnings, and was dismissed on the spot. My absences were because of my disability. He didn't even ask for medical records. FML

By Anonymous - 25/9/2021 04:01 - United Kingdom - Lincoln

Cogs in the machine

655

Today, my girlfriend gets horny at the most inconvenient times. She woke me up to have sex at 2 a.m. I have work at 6 a.m. FML

By nexus - 25/9/2021 09:59 - Papua New Guinea

Not now

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Today, I discovered my 17 year-old daughter has an eating disorder. When I confronted her, she confessed that she’s doing it because she wants to stay thin, so that her boyfriend doesn’t dump her like her father dumped me for not being thin enough. FML

By Laren - 24/9/2021 23:00

Generational trauma

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Today, I sent my resumé to a former coworker to get some pointers, except that I sent it to his old work email account and now my boss knows I’m looking for a new job. FML

By hate my job - 24/9/2021 20:00

Slipped up

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Today, I went to a White Sox game, and tried to purchase some pizza. There was a huge line behind me, and as soon as I got the pizza, the lady at the register told me that my card was declined. I tried 3 more times and still declined. Turns out Geico charged me twice on my insurance. FML

By Steve - 24/9/2021 17:01

Come on, man

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Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I have a "drinking problem". She says I don't drink enough. FML

By fmlTGOD - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Lightweight

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Today, while grading my kindergarteners' spelling tests, one kid spelled all the words wrong, including his name. FML

By Anonymous - 24/9/2021 13:58

Hey! Teachers! Leave those kids alone!

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Today, I'm in hell. I'm mentally and physically exhausted, but if I sleep more than 6 hours, I get crippling migraines. FML

By Anonymous - 24/9/2021 11:00

Decisions, decisions

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Today, my self-esteem has gotten so low that when I was out walking my boss's dog and someone called out, "Beautiful!" I assumed they were talking about the dog. They had to clarify they were speaking about me. FML

By Whatever - 24/9/2021 08:00

Doggy dog world

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Today, I was editing sound on a recording of a live music show. The woman who hired me said she wanted less reverb. I told her that this is how the recording was and I can't magically remove acoustic reverb from something recorded in a church. FML

By Piitaaraq Vaisanen - 24/9/2021 05:00

More cowbell

639

Today, my son is a real ass. My mother died and he literally only booked off half a day to attend his own grandmother's funeral, doesn’t plan to spend time with me after the burial, and since he booked it, all he has done is complain about the three meetings he’s going to miss that morning. FML

By Anonymous - 24/9/2021 02:00

Have kid they said, it'll be great they said

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Today, I went to the dentist and she told me, "If you don't stop smoking, yellow teeth aren't the only thing you'll have to worry about." I don't even smoke. FML

By Anonymous - 23/9/2021 22:00 - United Kingdom

Worst teeth in the game

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Today, despite both of us being vaccinated, my wife recently tested positive for Covid and now I'm showing symptoms. Neither my state or job offers any kind of financial support for Covid leave, so my options are infecting others or starving under a bridge. FML

By Anonymous - 23/9/2021 19:59

Stay safe, despite capitalism

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Today, I woke up, had great sex, had a delicious breakfast, played with my kid and laid down for a nap… only to wake up in extreme pain, an ambulance ride, and now a doctor saying I need emergency surgery on my leaking gallbladder. FML

By Anonymous - 23/9/2021 17:00

Alexa, play "It was a Good Day" by Ice Cube

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