Today, I'm right now walking out of the ER. My brother-in-law thought it was funny to chop down my receding hair while I was asleep. I woke up to the buzzing sound and the first thing I did was to instinctively knock him out cold. My sis just told me, "You're lucky nobody called the cops on you." FML
Today, I got reached out to by an old flame who, in her words, “wants to fuck the life out of me again.” We’re both engaged to new people and have kids. The hardest part? She looks even better now than ever, and I’m a fat hairy slob. FML
Today, I got on the train with my bike, leaning it up against the wall. After a while, it began to slide down the wall and wobble, so I dashed out to catch it. As I ran for it, I slipped and crashed into it, knocking it into an old man and busting the rear brake. FML
Today, plans I had to move into a new place fell through because the person I was going to move in with suddenly developed health problems. I’m going to be homeless at the end of the year. FML
Today, I unwittingly saw my supervisor's undies when turning to ask for help from someone else. She wears miniskirts most of the time and there is no way I can unsee this picture. FML
Today, I figured that the reason I'm the black sheep of my family is because I wasn't a teen mom, unlike my sisters, and kept my head on straight. Going no contact isn't an option because we live in a tiny town and I cannot afford to move. FML
Today, my 6-year-old daughter watched The Lion King for the first time. Now, whenever I ask her to do something, she replies "Hakuna Matata" and doesn't even get up. I think she took "No worries" to mean "Don't give a shit about anything." FML
Today, I ruined my friendship of 12 years. Important backstory: he had kind of bullied me growing up but we became friends when we got older. Long story short, he dumped his partner of several years and got back together with his ex on the same day. I took the partner's side instead of his. FML
Today, most people’s girlfriends get drunk and text nonsense. My girlfriend gets drunk and texts massive spoilers to books, shows, and movies I haven’t read or seen yet. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me for saying for the umpteenth time, "I still don't care!" when he brought up some podcasters divorcing in a conversation about our actual friends. He even mentioned the podcast crew being like actual family. Go live with them, then! FML
Today, after being single for a while now, I unwillingly went on a blind date with a guy my friend convinced me would be perfect for me. He took me to McDonald's. His father was with him the whole entire time. He's 27. FML
Today, I took my dog to the groomer's and asked them to trim just a little fur and floof around his eyes. When I collected him, he looked completely different. Apparently, “just a little” means something different to everyone. I'm not even sure it's the same dog, he looks like a baffled rat. FML
Today, I was pricing cremations because I have terminal cancer. I learned that because I'm fat, they are going to charge me more. Even on my way out I'm being fat shamed. FML
Today, my 20 year-old self, who works shift work, learned by accident that my 14 year-old brother has been using my toothbrush for the past 6+ months. I wouldn't have known due to my schedule until just now when I found it was wet. He admitted it, but was upset with me for using HIS toothbrush. It has my name on it. FML
Today, I spent the morning cleaning before my prim and proper new friend came over. Just as she was supposed to arrive to marvel at my spotless apartment, I knocked a full mug of coffee onto the freshly vacuumed rug. We spent the first 20 minutes of our time together trying to get the fucking stain out, and I was sweating buckets until she left. FML
Today, I was walking through a crosswalk when a lady in a car looked at me with a horrified expression and then hit her door locks repeatedly. FML
Today, I bought tickets for a comedy show as a surprise for my boyfriend. We arrived, found our seats, and waited for the show. The comedian came on and announced that the whole set would be in French. I'd not bought tickets for the wrong comedian, it was an "all-improv performance" or something. My boyfriend though it was hilarious. FML
Today, I made a big pot of soup for the week and portioned it into containers. So, on my very first day trying this out, I took one to work and heated it up. I'd somehow not put the lid on properly before putting it in my bag. I spent my lunch break cleaning soup chunks out of my backpack. FML
Today, I had a haircut booked for 5 p.m. and arrived ten minutes early. The salon was closed, so I checked the confirmation text. I'd booked it for 5 p.m. but on the previous day. I ended up going home with the same shite haircut I'd been trying to fix. FML
Today, I overheard my husband telling his friend that he wished a zombie apocalypse would happen in real life, so he could take me out back and shoot me without having to worry about going to prison. FML
Today, I was stopped at a light when a woman approached, asking for help to buy food. I told her I only had a dollar, but she could have it. After I gave it to her, she stepped back, held it up, then proceeded to tear it into pieces, before walking away while calling me a cheapskate. Really? FML
Today, my dad is threatening to have my mom arrested for reckless endangerment because she and my stepdad left me alone for a month while they went on vacation. I'm 24 years-old. FML
Today, my husband looked at me and said, "Baby, you're growing a mustache. You want me to edge it up?" No, I don't have that much. FML
Today, I told my wife not to open the front door because I was fixing something, and she said OK. I cannot stress enough that she said OK. She then OPENED THE DOOR to ask, “What are you fixing?” and tipped over my ladder, dropping me into the road, where a car ran over my hand and broke 3 fingers. FML
Today, I learned that there is a limit to being thrifty. For example buying a pan from the dollar store is most likely going to cost a lot more than a few dollars. Especially when it melts all over your stove which you now have to replace. FML
Today, I’m being portrayed as some evil stepmother type after filing for divorce. I tried to be as understanding as possible that his kids had behavior issues due to their pasts, however my ex refused to get them therapy or discipline them in any way. I tried my best but I can’t take it anymore. FML
Today, at work, this 23 year-old girl told everyone she has a huge crush on me. I'm in my mid-30s and this girl has autism but she functions normally. The thing is she looks 12 and I don't date or talk to anyone I work with in that way. FML
Today, my agent sent me an e-mail to tell me how many of my novel, I*** T** S****, I have sold. In the one year that it has been published, I have managed to sell one. That's right. ONE. FML
Today, my mom realized we have been sharing toothbrushes because they are similar colors. I told her it doesn't really matter since we're mother and daughter. She responded by saying that she loves me, but she has no idea where my mouth has been, and she doesn't want my diseases. Thanks mom. FML
Today, I saw my mom's boyfriend naked. It was only from behind and it was a complete accident but still, ew. FML
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