Today, it was the birth of my first child but it's been anything but a happy time because just a couple of days ago, my wife lost four relatives in a single day (both of her siblings, her father, and grandmother). Neither of us are excited about today at all. FML
Today, I got to spend the entire day shopping for lingerie with the man of my dreams. He bought everything I'd ever wanted and more! Too bad it was for another woman. FML
Today, I watched four episodes of Frasier at my mom’s house and now my algorithm is all Frasier facts and memes. FML
Today, I was written up at work because I took off my badge. While I was putting on a sweater for this cold weather. FML
Today, a girl I’m going out with asked me, “Where is this going?” I told her to just go with the flow and that I didn’t believe in titles. Later that night she posts an Instagram story of her on a date. I texted her about it and she said, “Why are you mad? You said you don’t believe in titles.” FML
Today, while watching The Many Adventures of Winnie-the-Pooh with my 5 year-old, I realized why the kangaroo's name is Kanga, and why her son's name is Roo. Kanga-Roo. Get it? Yeah. I didn't until today. I'm 47. FML
Today, I told my girlfriend that I think the concept of marriage is ridiculous and that it’s just being boyfriend/girlfriend with a fancier title. She packed all her things and moved out immediately. Now I can’t afford rent without her and have no idea what I’m going to do. FML
Today, my boss is such an evil evil woman that this morning when a neighbour a few doors up started drilling something, I peed a little in fright because I though it was my phone vibrating from her ringing to ask me to work the weekend. I had to change my pyjamas. Does this count as PTSD? FML
Today, I brought my new girlfriend home for dinner. My mom was being unusually quiet, so I thought she was trying to be polite. After dinner, she pulled me aside and asked why I'd never mentioned that my girlfriend had dated my brother. Apparently everyone knew except me. FML
Today, I put my laundry into the machine before work and came home eight hours later. The clothes were still sitting there, completely dry. I'd forgotten to turn the machine on. Somehow that felt worse than forgetting the laundry altogether. FML
Today, someone put a whole packet of glitter on the blades of my ceiling fan. Too bad I only noticed when I turned it on. FML
Today, I spent the day cleaning my apartment because my parents are visiting on Monday. I finally finished at midnight and went to bed exhausted. Then my mother called to say they couldn't make it after all. FML
Today, thanks to my wife, our 11 year-old daughter is completely obsessed with serial killers, cults, and true crime. My wife thinks it’s funny and harmless; meanwhile I’m legitimately worried about our child’s mental health. FML
Today, I’m ready to quit my job. An evil Karen became so enraged that I couldn’t let her use food stamps to pay for pet food that she launched a can right into my face. They called the cops and I had to give a statement, while holding an ice pack against my swollen, bleeding eyebrow. FML
Today, I was in a pool locker room, surrounded by semi-naked people. While changing into my clothes, I accidentally pushed a button on my phone, causing it to make the loud, unmistakable camera shutter sound effect. Everyone definitely heard it. FML
Today, a creep called me out in the street and asked me why I was in that part of that street, because he "knows " I live in another part of the street, and he found it "odd" that I was there. He was smiling all that time too. FML
Today, hours before sleep, I'd thought I'd enjoy eating 4, yes 4, pieces of Millionaire's Shortbread. I now have a sugar rush, can't sleep, and I feel sick. FML
Today, I was doing my nightly exercises in the living room after my kids went to bed. My youngest got up and saw me doing some hip mobility moves that I’ll admit look a little weird. He then told his teacher that mommy was humping a pillow on the floor. FML
Today, my boyfriend invited me over to his house. I was planning on breaking up with him while at his house. Turns out, it was a proposal party. I'm now engaged because it would've been rude to say no in front of his family that had flown in. FML
Today, while I was cooking a cauliflower soup, I wanted to make sure my cat didn't lick my serving spoon, so I put some bergamot extract in the bowl where it was laying. I then proceeded to pour the soup into the bowl. Let's hope my bergamot extract is the edible variety. FML
Today, I told a guy that I only see him as a friend. He ordered separate checks because, “I’m not giving boyfriend benefits to a girl who won’t make me one.” I hadn’t brought my card because he always pays for my meal. The restaurant held my phone as collateral until I Ubered 10 miles away to get my card. FML
Today, my friend of over 15 years told me that we can’t talk or game anymore because his new girlfriend has some serious jealousy issues, and me being a girl is a huge problem for her. I’ve never seen this guy face to face and we live on different continents. He even deleted me off Pokémon Go. FML
Today, my fiancé suggested we bring his elderly mother with us on our honeymoon. FML
Today, I’m at my hometown for the weekend and bought my entire family takeaway for lunch without knowing my mom had cooked. Later, after finding out, I promised to eat it for dinner. Guess who is having food poisoning but can’t shit. The cramps are killing me. FML
Today, the guy I was talking to told me to lose his number. We'd added each other on Instagram today and apparently he saw my reposts grid and doesn’t appreciate my “libtard reposts.” FML
Today, I left work early because I had a doctor's appointment. After sitting in the waiting room for twenty minutes, I realized I was at my old doctor's office. My actual appointment was across town. I was already late. FML
Today, I bought a coffee on my way to work and put it in the cup holder. At the next red light, I noticed it was empty. I'd apparently forgotten to put the lid on. My passenger seat was covered in coffee. FML
Today, in an effort to be more healthy, I bought a pack of protein bars as a substitute for snacks. I ate all 5 of them in one sitting. FML
Today, I was waiting for my friend outside a restaurant when a man walked up and said, “You must be Sarah.” I said no to get rid of him. He apologized and walked away. Two minutes later, my friend arrived and asked why I was talking to her dad. FML
Today, my mom opens at McDonald's, and I go with her to chill before walking to the bus stop. The lobby was closed. I had to shit so bad, I was knocking on the door, and usually they let me in, but nobody noticed. I had to shit so incredibly bad. so… I went into the car and found an old McDonald's cup and some napkins… FML
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