Your everyday life stories

Today, I got a second piercing in my ear. I needed help cleaning the back, so I asked my dad for help. I told him to careful, but right when I did, he tore the earring out with the cotton swab. Thanks, dad. FML

By wowawesome - 18/7/2019 16:00

224

Today, my wife and I got into an argument. She ran out, yelling. Later, at work, I felt guilty, so I picked up some flowers and a card. When I presented them to her, she looked puzzled. I made the mistake of reminding her about our argument. She is now mad at me, again. FML

By anon - 18/7/2019 14:00

406

Today, I had the mole on my neck removed. By my pet bird. FML

By Sarah - 18/7/2019 12:00

431

Today, I picked up a prostitute. The prostitute was my sister, and I picked her up from jail. FML

By Donnie - 18/7/2019 06:00

837

Today, in Las Vegas, after taking my drunk dad and his drunk friend to their respective hotel rooms, I realised that I, 16 years-old, am the responsible one. FML

By ohgosh1428 - 18/7/2019 04:00

729

Today, my son walked in on me masturbating. Now, whenever I don't do whatever he wants, he blackmails me. FML

By Anonymous - 18/7/2019 02:00

510

753

Today, I saw my boss, so I mentioned to him, "Oh, I quit." He then interrupted, saying, "Great, I was going to fire you this week anyway." I wanted to tell him I quit smoking. FML

By Anonymous - 18/7/2019 00:01

1052

153

Today, when my boyfriend came to bed, I rolled over and watched as he used his pinky to clean out both nostrils, then eat it what he found. He’s almost 25. FML

By Anonymous - 17/7/2019 22:00

918

158

Today, I noticed that the roommate application site for college bugged when I first signed up, and my screen name and real name were swapped as a result. Since the site only displays the names of potential roommates and not our own, I've been unknowingly messaging potential roommates as Parakeet19 for about 2 months. FML

By DoctorBreadLegs - 17/7/2019 20:03

824

138

By Alan - 17/7/2019 18:00

FML's Love Affair with Jimmy Fallon!

FML was featured twice on the Tonight Show, during which Jimmy Fallon and guests sang a few of our stories in a country style!

Today, I was using a disabled toilet. I'm disabled partly because of spinal problems. While I was doing my business, the whole toilet fell to the floor, leaving me sitting in a puddle of my own urine and smashed porcelain, with even more spinal problems. FML

By Anonymous - 17/7/2019 16:09

1432

Today, my father informed me that he is going to divorce his bitch of a wife, but told me not to say anything to mess things up, in case he wants to "hit that one more time." FML

By yuck - 17/7/2019 14:15

1116

Today, I found out that getting drunk and attempting to shit out the second story window is a very bad idea. FML

By michael - 17/7/2019 12:07

289

1754

Today, it appears that the cousin who burglarized my house and threatened to kill my wife, daughter and I during a meth binge is more welcome at a family reunion than we are. We were assured last year by family that this wouldn't happen, because we are "good people who have wronged no one." FML

By Deadpool - 16/7/2019 21:11 - United States - Weaverville

1466

Today, I ran into an old friend, and she asked me how I was doing. I replied, "Still alive!" like I always do. I forgot both of her parents recently passed away. FML

By Anonymous - 17/7/2019 04:00

1016

427

Today, I found out how messed up I am when a guy held a knife to my throat and it turned me on. FML

By Cannachick - 17/7/2019 02:00

1135

258

Today, I got rejected from participating in a depression study that provides free medication, for not already being on antidepressants. That's because I can't afford health insurance or medication, which is why I applied to the study. FML

By Cyrah - 16/7/2019 18:15 - United States

1595

Today, I watched a customer open a bottle of salad dressing, taste it, then just put it back on the shelf. FML

By Anonymous - 16/7/2019 22:30

1261

Today, after countless failed rejections and derision from women, I've realized that the only time I experience any sort of happiness is when I'm eating. They say there's someone out there for all of us, but maybe that's not true. FML

By Gary - 16/7/2019 20:30

1139

177

Today, I found out my boss hired literally the only person in this town who is an ex-boyfriend. I also work with my current boyfriend. FML

By meow - 16/7/2019 18:30

1145

150

By Alan - 16/7/2019 18:00

The War Against MLMs: Funny Examples of Scams and Responses.

Unless you've been living on the Moon, someone has probably tried to drag you into a pyramid scheme, claiming it isn't a pyramid scheme....

Today, I finally got tired of my neighbors constantly blaring their obnoxious rap music all hours of the day and night. Trying to be funny, I put Baby Shark on a loop and turned my speakers all the way up. They called the cops on me. FML

By fuck your music - 16/7/2019 07:30 - United States - Hesperia

1235

317

Today, nine weeks after giving birth, my husband and I finally tried to have sex since a friend was watching the baby. Not only could I not get wet due to hormones, but as soon as he got back from buying lube, his drunk brother called needing a ride from the bar. No sex for me. FML

By Anonymous - 16/7/2019 14:30

1311

142

Today, I was hosting a slumber party for my daughter, but I ended it abruptly and demanded that every child be picked up. Several pissed off parents and a sobbing daughter later, I’m the most hated. I made them leave after 2 of the girls bragged about losing their virginity. They’re 12. FML

By mean mommy - 16/7/2019 12:30

1092

1570

Today, after my girlfriend told her mother that she is seeing a different guy than me because her mother doesn’t approve of me, I learned that she is also seeing said guy. FML

By rert - 16/7/2019 06:00

1201

By FML - 16/7/2019 05:18

Relatable.

404

Today, I approached my mother for comfort, because I've been feeling depressed and unloved by anyone lately. She replied, “Honestly, I stopped loving you back when you were a toddler.” FML

By machina - 16/7/2019 04:01

1654

Today, I realized my boyfriend's family love and respect me more than my own family. FML

By Anonymous - 16/7/2019 02:01

1246

Today, I went in for I thought would be an interview for a promotion, but turns out there was no interview set up, and they'd already decided who would be the next manager. FML

By Anonymous - 16/7/2019 00:01

1175