The best jokes about life

Today, I was given my Covid-19 test results after a friend and I went to take one. I had been sneezing and having fevers lately, and out of solidarity, my friend also took the test to give me the courage to do so. I tested negative, but my friend didn't. FML

By How could the fuck I know? - 12/4/2021 17:00

Sorry, friend

142

Today, both my mom and I are very ill, while her boyfriend is perfectly fine. Somehow, this means that I’m the one having to take care of my mom, myself, the household and 6 pets, while he does nothing, goes on trips and leaves dirt all over the house when he’s here. FML

By Anonymous - 12/4/2021 14:00

Thanks for the help

288

Today, my family got mad at me for installing toilet paper going under instead of over. Considering I'm the only one who fills the empty spool, I thought that it wouldn't matter. FML

By Anonymous - 12/4/2021 05:00 - United States - Pittsburgh

Paper trail

260

141

Today, I finally got to experience being loved, or at least what it looks like. I paid for a fabulous wedding in a video game with a reluctant friend, who only agreed after I explained all the free costumes, pets, and other items he'd receive. FML

By Aaron - 12/4/2021 07:59

Second Life

256

142

Today, I was waitressing at the diner and a guy ordered two eggs, one scrambled and one poached. He hurled his plate at me angrily because they "scrambled the egg he wanted poached and poached the egg he wanted scrambled." He stormed out without paying. FML

By Falcka - 12/4/2021 04:59

The client is always right

607

Today, I dumped my girlfriend because she frequently wouldn't answer my texts or phone calls, and not call or message back for days. I felt that bringing it up made me a control freak. I couldn't take it anymore. FML

By Anonymous - 12/4/2021 02:00

Check yourself before you wreck yourself

530

105

Today, I flushed the toilet while my boyfriend was showering. He responded by throwing a huge fit, saying how if he “gets a cold” from being “forced” to shower in cold water, I’m gonna “have to stay home and take care of him until he’s better.” FML

By Anonymous - 12/4/2021 00:30

Big Baby

493

123

Today, the guy who told me he “wasn’t looking for a relationship” started being in a relationship with another girl. I lost my virginity to him and went on a few dates with him. He’s actually confused as to why I’m upset about this. FML

By Anonymous - 11/4/2021 23:00

Not the one

497

224

Today, I was giving a friend a neck rub when she started to breathe heavily. I figured she was getting into it, so I started kissing her neck. She then turned around and said, "Tell my roommate I'm having an asthma attack." FML

By Ekh0es - 11/4/2021 15:30 - United States - Garfield

Sensual moment

253

696

Today, the man I love showed me the ring he's going to give to the woman that he loves. Who is someone else. FML

By LoveLifeFail - 11/4/2021 14:01 - Canada

Love bites

599

Today, I realised I need to grow up when I couldn’t stop laughing throughout a very serious meeting entitled, “Master / Sub Remediation Program.” It’s about electricity meters. FML

By Anonymous - 11/4/2021 11:00 - Australia

BDSM FML

231

466

Today, I had to create a new password for my computer. I had to do it to stop my father from watching porn on my computer. FML

By Anonymous - 11/4/2021 13:57

Keep out

714

Today, I invited my Peruvian girlfriend to my parent’s house for dinner. They decorated the house with Mexican flag and Fiesta lanyards, and bought Taco Bell. My girlfriend is vegetarian and had to explain to them that no, Peru is not a city in Mexico. It’s been 3 hours and she won’t pick up her calls. FML

By Fhhmylifeman - 11/4/2021 11:00

Geography

749

118

Today, I felt like cheating on my diet and ordered a pizza. My mom and my sister were napping, so I put in the delivery notes, “Please don’t knock.” The delivery guy knocked anyway. LOUD. My mom and sister got up and saw everything. FML

By Anonymous - 11/4/2021 08:00

Busted

259

777

Today, I found out that one of my workmates had passed away due to Covid-19. He was among five other workmates who were calling me a "pussy" for going back and forth to work in car, instead of public transport. These five guys were eventually infected by someone in the public transport. FML

By Anonymous - 11/4/2021 05:00

Stay safe, everyone

658

Today, I found out that I'm not getting a new position I applied for at my company. Now, I have to continue working for my boss, who recently severely criticized my spelling in my reports, only they weren't my reports, and when I pointed this out, she simply never responded. FML

By Anonymous - 10/4/2021 17:59 - Canada - Regina

Stuck

661

Today, it became apparent that telling your crush you like them isn't worth a response. I mean after all it's not like I'm sitting here not thinking about them and hoping for something to happen. No no, a simple "No thanks" is too much hard work for some. FML

By Anonymous - 10/4/2021 23:30 - United Kingdom - Banchory

Alexa, play "Get The Message" by Electronic

579

261

Today, it's been a year since I moved 200 km across the country to be closer to my boyfriend of 5 years and his kids. I got the keys to my flat and 3 days later the pandemic was a fact. Shouldn’t have ignored that sign. I’m single now. FML

By Anonymous - 10/4/2021 23:00

Signs

595

Today, I was walking home when I heard a male voice behind me yelling, “Hey! Hello!” I walked faster and grabbed my pocket knife, turned around and pointed it at him. He just wanted to hand me back the keys I'd dropped. He then added something like, "Oh, and don’t get it twisted, you’re too fat to be kidnapped and raped." FML

By Uglyandfat - 10/4/2021 21:30

Assumptions

776

1166

Today, due to the lack of social interaction because of COVID-19, I began talking and acting aggressively to myself almost every moment. It's grown so noticeable that my parents and sister mimic me as a way to mock me. Family bonding for the win, right? FML

By cuz803 - 10/4/2021 20:00

You hear me?

514

253

Today, my son told me he's had 5 boyfriends and is currently working to improve himself before getting into another relationship. When I was his age, I was still single. My son has more game than I do. FML

By Anonymous - 10/4/2021 17:00

He got game

591

171

Today, a close friend called me to inform me of his newest relationship, and why he's kept it from me - he's been seeing his male cousin for several months and was tired of hiding it from the world. I had to keep my shock in check over the phone. FML

By MothmanKirbaby - 10/4/2021 14:00

Awkward pause

730

Today, the man I love and who loves me ended our relationship. Why? Because I want to work 3 days a week, which wouldn’t conform to the traditional gender roles he envisions his future wife having. FML

By Anonymous - 10/4/2021 10:59

Tradwife expectations

1098

138

Today, after ordering at a restaurant, the waitress suddenly began acting like a bitch to me, for no apparent reason. I later found out why: most people who order that particular meal tend to argue and whine about the price. I wasn’t going to. FML

By halofever82 - 10/4/2021 08:00

Preemptive strike

854

Today, I got yelled at for 10 minutes by my head of department for failing one of my students for plagiarism, because, "we can't be sure." It was my work he plagiarised, but because it's not in our system, it doesn't count. FML

By Anonymous - 10/4/2021 13:01 - Australia - Sydney

Do your own research

1124

Today, I was driving to work when I had to abruptly brake to avoid a pedestrian who had suddenly jumped into the street. As a consequence, my parking ID was pushed in between the dashboard and the windshield. It is literally impossible to get it out before my shift starts. In other words, I'm going to get fined. FML

By Marcus - 10/4/2021 02:00 - Norway

Thanks dude

721

Today, I found out that my mother has been telling several people that my fiancé and I will be moving into her house for the foreseeable future. All because we're moving to a city close by for jobs and are still searching for housing. I found this out from several of the people she told. FML

By Anonymous - 10/4/2021 00:30

Home to roost

701

Today, while laying in bed, I let out a huge fart. I then heard my roommate yell from outside my room, "Did you think you were alone?" FML

By morgan - 9/4/2021 23:00

Gas giant

611

211

Today, it’s the third anniversary of me not being able to finish a single sentence when speaking in person. FML

By m…… - 9/4/2021 21:30

Social anxiety sucks

639