The best jokes about life

Today, my boyfriend tried to confront me about my “drinking problem”. He claims that the last time he was at my place, I had a full bottle of rum and now it’s gone. He hasn’t spent the night at my house in over two months and it was a half bottle of Malibu. FML

By not an alchy - 9/5/2021 19:59

Boozehound

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Today, my fiancé and I told my future mother-in-law that we are expecting. Her response was, "Why are you doing this to me?" FML

By dyingangel246 - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Wooster

Mother's Day Flashback

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Hi everyone, OP here. I'd like to start by saying that the few of you who said she doesn't like me, you are probably right. When my fiance and I got engaged she didn't want to tell her family, to this day 2 years later I don't know who does and doesn't know. I believe she doesn't want to accept the fact that her 27, almost 28 year old son is getting married and starting a family. I myself am 26. My...

dyingangel246 tells us more :

By iappreciatethesentiment - 9/5/2021 17:01

Help! I need somebody!

Today, I was at my mom's when I suddenly doubled over in pain. It was so bad that I begging to be taken to the hospital, just when her dog started coughing. She immediately ran to her dog, asked if she was OK, saying that she hates to see anyone she loves in pain. I sat there hunched over in disbelief. FML

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Today, my husband thinks I don’t love him. Why? Because I won’t poop with him in the room. FML

By carrie - 9/5/2021 14:00

Justify My Love

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Today, on the way to an exam, I got hit by a car. I got back up and limped to class. The teacher wouldn’t let me in because I was 10 seconds late. FML

By king of 8 - 9/5/2021 11:00

Timing

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Today, my mom strictly banned me from doing any of my chores, because I missed a spot while wiping the counters. She then screamed at me for not doing my chores. When I went to go do them, she screamed at me for doing my chores when I’m not allowed. I can’t win here. FML

By lostkid - 9/5/2021 08:01

Psychotic

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Today, my husband pre-ordered $500 worth of Transformers figures. We're supposed to be trying to save up for a house. FML

By Anonymous - 9/5/2021 05:59

One Shall Stand, One Shall Fall!

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Today, I had to do a presentation. No one else in my group showed up, so I had to do it alone. I was given a failing grade for presenting by myself, and therefore not being a "team player". FML

By Anonymous - 9/5/2021 04:01

Unfair

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Today, I brought home my new boyfriend, who happens to have an eyepatch. Despite repeatedly telling them not to, even threatening punishment, my daughters, ages 9 and 11, would not stop calling him "Cyclops." He’s mad at me for this. FML

By maryann - 9/5/2021 02:01

Pirate Jim

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Today, I had my first ever date. He invited me to dinner and a movie. Then he put on "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo." I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out, so I had to wait till the end of the film. FML

By Anonymous - 9/5/2021 00:01

Weird movie choice

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Today, my girlfriend is giving me the silent treatment and is making me sleep on the couch, all because I said I loved my best female friend. I meant loved like family. She still won’t hear me out. FML

By PetNameNoy - 8/5/2021 23:59

Love is love

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Today, I was sitting on the back porch with my husband. I felt two raindrops land on my head, so I said we should go inside because it was starting to rain. It turned out to just be a bird shitting on me. FML

By Anonymous - 8/5/2021 21:59

From a great height

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Today, after I supported my friends through heartbreak, had long conversations at 4 a.m., stayed late at work to help through breakdowns, I finally broke after a series of bad experiences. I decided to reach out. All I got was, "lol that sucks", "Oh, would you believe the week I had" or simply no response. FML

By HelpStrandedOnShittyPlanet - 8/5/2021 20:08

Good friends

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Today, my mom woke me up from a wet dream, because I was moaning too loudly. I'm a 32 year-old virgin. FML

By Anonymous - 8/5/2021 10:59 - China

You'll get some eventually

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Today, after I went to live with my biological mom, after she convinced me she’s been off drugs while I was living with my grandparents, she gave me one of two puppies she'd bought as a gift. Then she got arrested. Turns out she stole said puppy. Some things never change. FML

By Anonymous - 8/5/2021 13:59

Doggy dog world

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Today, I had a massive, pounding headache. I asked my mom for some painkillers and she said, "No. You don’t deserve pain relief. Ever. For anything." What? FML

By rise - 8/5/2021 10:59

Painful

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Today, I saw the crazy meth guy, who randomly rolls up on you on his bike and tells you how he met Jesus, leading a little boy behind a church. After I made sure nothing weird was happening, I reported it to the police and posted a status to warn parents on Facebook, I found it was actually his kid. FML

By Martin s - 8/5/2021 01:59 - United States - Manahawkin

Assumptions

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Today, I learned that my 13 year-old daughter has been wearing the same pad for a week “because there’s no blood on it.” When I told her that it's still disgusting, she tried to defend herself be saying that, "no one ever told her how long she could wear it." FML

By cammy - 8/5/2021 05:59

How not to raise 'em right

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Today, my husband excitedly came home from the gun show with a new lower receiver. I, however, had to go back out and get my own birthday cake. FML

By Anonymous - 8/5/2021 03:59

Thanks, I hate it

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Today, after sacrificing multiple weekends to help my kid brother with his various projects, I asked him to help me with one of mine. He nearly blew up at the thought of losing an evening of his free time on a simple task, so I postponed it to later, which means never. FML

By Anonymous - 7/5/2021 20:01 - United States - Pittsburgh

Thanks for your help

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Today, I bumped into my next door neighbor. She said, "Not for nothing, but I heard you fighting with your boyfriend last night, you're pretty harsh on him." I don't have a boyfriend, I was just drunk and castigating myself. FML

By Jeynna - 8/5/2021 00:01

Through the wall

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Today, my ex was talking about getting back together. I say I’d be willing to talk and ask him to explain what he wants from me, to see if there’s any common ground, but he replied, "I just mention something and you immediately attack me with this emo crap! I already regret even thinking about it!" FML

By Anonymous - 7/5/2021 22:00

Make your mind up

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Today, I discovered the brand of condoms my parents use. It was in the same grocery bag as my food. FML

By eugh - 7/5/2021 14:01 - United States - Midlothian

TMI FML

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Today, I pulled up to an intersection behind a car waiting to turn left and we missed a whole set of lights. As I was getting frustrated that they weren’t going when the light was green, I realised I was waiting behind a parked car. FML

By Anonymous - 7/5/2021 17:01 - New Zealand

Classic

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Today, I made a 99 on my history test. Proud of myself, I went to tell my mom. She cut me off to say, "If it’s less than a 100, you’re fucking grounded." FML

By guess who - 7/5/2021 13:59

Alexa, play "Never Enough" by The Cure

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Today, I found out the real reason my boyfriend was terminated from work: for having an inappropriate sexual relationship with a coworker, and not because he was "furloughed from COVID" like he said was. Oh, and he got her pregnant. FML

By Abandonedgirl101 - 7/5/2021 11:01

Caught up

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Today, after falling head over heels for a guy I've been crushing on for the past few months; I discovered that he's gay, dislikes children and I stand absolutely no chance. This isn't even the first time this has happened. I have the worst gaydar. FML

By Anonymous - 7/5/2021 08:01

Detection

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Today, some punk got up in my face yelling at me, pushed my wife and scratched my car with a, "What you gonna do, old man?" attitude, and yet I’m the bad guy who gets arrested because I open-palm slapped him and he fell into a glass window and fucked up his face and neck, probably permanently. FML

By Anonymous - 7/5/2021 06:00

Public freakout

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Today, I've lied about my grades for three years of high school already and my mom thinks I'm a straight A student. I'm supposed to be going to college in a year. FML

By ASad17Yearold - 7/5/2021 03:59

The truth will out

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