Today, I missed my bus to the doctor's office for my scheduled pap test. I was so desperate, I called my deadbeat mom to ask for a ride. She said "Virgins don't need pap tests", laughed, then hung up on me. FML
by Jacqueline H'ghar / 07/30/2016 at 4:56am / New Zealand / Health
Today, my girlfriend dumped me after I told her I was learning how to start having lucid dreams. She was convinced the only reason I could possibly want to have them was so I could cheat on her in my own dreams. FML
by BoboCracker / 07/29/2016 at 7:03pm / United States (California) / Health
by SilverAuthor / 07/29/2016 at 6:53pm / United States (Michigan) / Money
Today, whilst tuning my guitar, one of the steel strings snapped and hit me in the face. Now I'm on my way to my first date with the girl of my dreams, and I'm wearing an eye patch and have a thick red line across my face. FML
by Egtat216 / 07/29/2016 at 6:03pm / United Kingdom (Aberdeen City) / Miscellaneous
Today, I learned that the hardest part of marrying a historian is choosing baby names. His top choices derive from two Roman magistrates, two abbesses, a tenth-century author, and an obscure Greek official. I already let him name our pug, for whom he chose the name "Tertullianus." FML
by NeitherHrotsvitNorErkembaldus / 07/29/2016 at 5:21pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous
jay_south's comment : Turtle-y anus?
Tripartita's comment : This sounds like the worst superhero origin story. Like, you could be Spider-Man's terrible sidekick, Mosquito-Balls. Your catchphrase would be "My balls itch, so trouble must be a-buzzing!"
by Anonymous / 07/29/2016 at 3:30pm / United States / Money
Today, I had to spend two hours in the car with my mother. That doesn't sound so bad until you realize she's the kind of person who can, and did, spend nearly half an hour ranting about how the Big Beautiful Woman porn niche is the root of obesity in America. FML
by Toroka / 07/29/2016 at 2:59pm / Love
Today, I was playing a game with my family where we had to say the name of an actor/actress that started with a certain letter. When I said mine, my dad grounded me because he knew it was a pornstar. Now my mom is mad at my dad for watching porn too. FML
deathstroke990's comment : the real question is, why tf would you mention a porn stars name while playing that game with your family? ?????
Today, I've owned my dream car for 11 days. Someone backed into it while it parked at work, and drove away without leaving a note. A man at a nearby business knows who did it but won't tell me because it was one of his customers. FML
by icefly / 07/29/2016 at 11:39am / United States (Florida) / Transportation
Today, my first day on the job, I locked up the office after everyone left and set the alarm. An hour later, my new boss angrily emailed me that I locked him inside the building, setting off the alarm and prompting the entire police department to show up. FML
by mrsimintrouble / 07/29/2016 at 2:01am / United States (California) / Work