The best jokes about life

Today, my boyfriend came into town for the weekend. A proof of vaccination card to enter non-essential businesses also started. My dear boyfriend refuses to sign up for the card. Guess our nights out will be grocery shopping and him waiting outside while I shop anywhere else. FML

By Anonymous - 28/9/2021 08:00 - Canada

Get vaccinated, you doofuses

190

Today, my boyfriend has been grumpy for days, because his essay on society's fixation with performance, winning awards and getting good grades got a somewhat disappointing grade. FML

By Anonymous - 28/9/2021 11:01 - Netherlands - Eindhoven

Irony on base level

258

Today, my partner and I went to the inspection of a house we wanted to buy. The whole roof was illegal. This is the second time our realtor has shown us a house with major issues. FML

By Anonymous - 28/9/2021 02:00 - United States - Virginia Beach

Goddamn safety regulations!

305

Today, my father grilled me a little bit for making a print for a cosplay on my $600 FDM printer. Why? Because he "bought the printer for me to make money and not for cosplay" I’m a professional cosplayer who runs a cosplay prop shop. This was for work purposes. FML

By Thatonecosplayer - 28/9/2021 07:04

You just don't get it, dad

953

OP here. I can't even believe this got published. When I published this, I went with a different name because I forgot about my old account, but I managed to recover it. For those wondering about what happened, yes I did explain to my dad how it works. He comes from a much older generation and isn't into cosplay like I am, but he's also never run a business before, so he didn't understand the process...

Etweens96 tells us more :

By Anonymous - 28/9/2021 05:01

Shitgibbon

Today, here in Canada, my father-in-law talked to me about how people who are "not Canadians" are destroying the country. He called me an "import" several times within the course of an hour. I've been a citizen for over twenty years. FML

319

Today, I couldn't bring up a close friend from college in a conversation without my mom bashing her for over ten minutes. She does this with practically all my close female friends. I suspect she subconsciously doesn't want any girl to steal her son away. FML

By Anonymous - 28/9/2021 01:59

Freud intensifies

420

Today, I told my husband I wanted to make him happy by giving him a baby. He told me either I can make him happy, or I can give him a baby, but I can’t do both. FML

By Anonymous - 27/9/2021 22:59

Kids is hard work

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Today, despite warning my new girlfriend I suffer from bad premature ejaculation, and should get her to orgasm first with my hand or mouth, she insisted I “just fuck her already” then she blamed me when it was over in 15 seconds. FML

By Anonymous - 27/9/2021 20:00

I'm gonna come

703

Today, my long distance friend-with-benefits informed me she's now in a relationship with an amazing guy. I should be happier for her, as even I admit he is perfect for her. Too bad I just spent over a thousand dollars on plane tickets to visit her. The tickets are completely nonrefundable. FML

By friboy2791 - 27/9/2021 17:01

I love that for you

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536

Today, I had to call patients that we hadn't seen in a long time. Most of them were dead. FML

By Exil - this FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States

Monday morning

25888

1989

Today, I sneezed and peed myself while working out at the gym. FML

By kinwar - 27/9/2021 07:01 - United States - Hamburg

Go big or go home

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Today, I went on a date with a guy from Bumble. It was going well, with dinner and a walk on the waterfront, until he started complaining about skincare products, "People with eczema use that nasty cream, it's so sticky and smells horrible." I have severe eczema. FML

By Anonymous - 27/9/2021 10:59

Smell test

650

Today, my girlfriend recently dumped me because she's serious about her career (temp secretary) and needs a man who’s also serious about his career. I’m an area manager for 6 hotels, making almost six figures. I found out she's now dating a very low level weed dealer. Serious career. Sure. FML

By Anonymous - 27/9/2021 08:00

Bullshit excuse

1130

Today, my mom disowned me and forced me to move out because I didn’t have a crying heartbroken meltdown at the death of my stepfather. She knows I hated the man's guts since the first time he slapped her, so my not caring about his death shouldn't have surprised her. FML

By Anonymous - 27/9/2021 05:02

Love is blind

833

Today, I hooked up with a really great guy while I’m on a business trip. Would've been great, but found out he slept with someone else right after me, and stole my headphones. FML

By Anonymous - 26/9/2021 19:00 - United States - Dallas

Risky business

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567

Today, what did I get after a long, tiring week? A long, depressing weekend. FML

By Gunaditya - 26/9/2021 23:00

The grind

567

Today, I had my first day off in six months. My mother immediately came down to my room and demanded that I clean the entire house. As I was cleaning, she said, "You don’t get to relax. Ever. Lazy ass." FML

By ghk - 26/9/2021 20:00

Work work work work

1137

Today, after spending months building my boss 3 websites and finishing them, I was fired via a short email, saying she didn't need my help anymore. I only worked for her for 3 months, so basically I stopped being useful when I finished her websites. FML

By Larissa E. Royster - 26/9/2021 17:00

Welcome to capitalism, baby

798

Today, it was my 24th birthday. I got a card from my sister that read, "Here's to another year of complete disregard for age-appropriate developmental milestones." She's right. FML

By nothreat33 - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Young at heart

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Today, in France, a "Vaccine Pass" is needed to do most things. Some family members came to visit, but as they aren't vaccinated they usually just stay home. They told us that we're dangerous, because we carry "millions of viruses" from the vaccine, and it will be our fault if they get Covid. FML

By Ariane - 26/9/2021 14:00

That's not how that works, it's not how anything works

780

125

Today, my kids did not tell me the AC guy was here. I got up and went to the restroom in my bra and underwear, and the AC guy was standing in the bathroom. Our AC unit is downstairs, so both me and the AC guy were shocked. FML

By Anonymous - 26/9/2021 10:59

Oh, hai Mark!

697

114

Today, I took a polygraph. The interviewer was mad at the way I was breathing and looking down once instead of straight ahead. The third test I started crying because he raised his voice, saying I was disrespecting his time. I was trying so hard but couldn't breathe with the equipment on, leaving my mind blank. FML

By Anonymous - 26/9/2021 02:00 - United States

Polygraphs are BS

720

Today, a girl I've been casually seeing just gave me the, "You're a great guy, but I'm not ready for a relationship" speech. A few hours later, I see a video in a group chat of her making out and laughing with another guy, while my other friends just watched and laughed. I'm just done trying, why am I always getting shit on? FML

By Anonymous - 25/9/2021 20:00 - United States - Huntington Beach

Nice guy vibes

1001

238

Today, after 5 and a half years, my boyfriend had spent months talking about proposing before the end of the year. He'd picked out a ring, told all his friends, and couldn't stop talking about our future. He then dumped me over the phone out of the blue. FML

By Anonymous - 26/9/2021 01:00 - Ireland

What happened?

807

Today, my wife and I were getting intimate in the morning. First time in forever. Things were just starting to get steamy when our 10-month-old daughter woke up. FML

By Anonymous - 25/9/2021 23:00

Not now

730

145

Today, I made the major mistake of trusting a fart during a job interview. Needless to say, I didn’t get the job. FML

By Anonymous - 25/9/2021 20:00

Too trusting

401

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Today, I told a lady that came into my clothing store that I thought her abstract looking necklace was pretty. She responded, "Oh… That's actually a pipe that goes into my lung." FML

By oopsjsp90 - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Australia

Foot in mouth

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Today, my husband was arrested because a fox, fleeing from about a billion dogs and rich twats on horses, jumped through our car window and was cowering between my legs. So he got out of the car, waded through the dogs and pulled one of the twats off his horse into a puddle, ruining his red coat. FML

By Anonymous - 25/9/2021 17:01

Fuck fox hunts

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