Today, I left the sliding glass door to our townhouse open because it was such a beautiful day. Our new puppy, whom we have been potty training, peed in the yard and I praised him relentlessly. He then walked inside the house, pooped on the carpet, and ran back outside. FML
Today, I got pregnant even though I was on birth control. The father is nowhere to be found and I don’t even know his last name. My parents kicked me out of the house because apparently, “I’m an adult, so make adult choices.” I’m too scared to get an abortion. I’m at my wits' end. All due to failed birth control. FML
Today, I saw the allergist, suspecting a shellfish allergy. I’m allergic to corn, peanuts, oranges, oats, perch, and salmon, but not shellfish. I have a freezer full of food I bought yesterday that I can’t eat. FML
Today, despite feeling rubbish due to chronic illness, I got up and dressed for uni. When I got to the train station, I decided to sit on the closest bench to wait. It would’ve been nice if I’d seen the bright blue chewing gum some feral child had left behind before my butt found it. FML
Today, I learned that my decades long health issue is… ME/CFS. Am I shocked? Nope, been trying to convince the doctors that this wasn’t mental health related for decades. I also found out I’ve been living with low blood flow and oxygen to the brain due to this hell. My family still doesn’t believe any of this is real. FML
Today, while driving on the motorway, I sneezed so hard my contacts popped out. FML
Today, and hopefully for the last time, my grandma gave me a lecture about getting with the times, that it's socially acceptable nowadays, to be honest with myself, be free, and to come out. Emphasizing on the "Dearie" endearments. Apparently, to her and "most people today", being a bachelor-by-choice means you're gay. FML
Today, I told my religious father that I'm no longer a Christian and that I wouldn't be going to church. He nodded and said that he knew at some point I would question his religion, that he loves me, and that I will always be his family. Am I wrong for wishing he'd gotten mad like those other religious parents? FML
Today, my boyfriend got his ex pregnant. The same ex that he still lived with because he “wanted to wait until the lease is up.” He “swore to God” he didn’t see her romantically anymore. I feel dumb for giving him the benefit of the doubt. FML
Today, a week after spending most of my paycheck on a down-payment and rent on a new apartment, I found out the "landlord" I paid was a scammer. Turns out the real owner was away on vacation, and he'd stolen most of her stuff before showing me the place. FML
Today, my adult daughter reached out to me, asking to mend our relationship. I told her there would be nothing until she paid me back for what I spent raising her ungrateful self. In response, she laughed at me, said, "Never mind" and flipped me off as she walked out. FML
Today, my girlfriend of 3 months said she was going to do the dishes, so I said I’d do the bins and mop the floor once I was at my games checkpoint in 30 seconds. She completely blew up at me for “never helping around here” when I literally just said I’d mop the floor in 30 seconds. FML
Today, I was in hospital after surgery when someone’s little brat came wandering into my room like a mini hurricane and all I could do was lie there trying desperately to call for a nurse as he ate my snacks, knocked over my books, went through my bag, etc. If I can sue his parents, I will. FML
Today, I was laying in the grass, staring into the blue sky and watching planes go by. My boyfriend snuggles down next to me; it was a sweet moment. He then told me all about how the planes above are leaving "chem trails", and that he believes the CIA is out to mind-control us all. Right. FML
Today, it's been two weeks since I quit smoking weed. It's not horrible, the digestive issues from the withdrawal have stopped and I have started dreaming again. Sadly all my dreams are horrific nightmares that wake me in a cold sweat. FML
Today, my senile mother escaped the house and wandered off as the sun was setting. Frantic, I told my husband I would call the police. He tried to convince me to wait, and couldn't conceal his excitement. I know she's not the easiest to live with, but that really hurt. FML
Today, my cousin mentioned having back pain and since I’m a chiropractor, I offered to help him. He gave me a horrified look and said, “Fuck no, I’m not letting you turn me into the next Jonathan Buckelew.” FML
Today, I paid £200 for a car service to make sure everything was running okay. I got the all clear that everything was perfect and all necessary fluids topped up. I then wrote the car off 20 minutes later in an accident. FML
Today, it's the end of hard month: renovations, on top of kids' vacation, on top of cancelled camps, on top of cat with diarrhea. The thing waiting for me this weekend is the work assignment my boss gave me an hour before business closed on Friday, and wrapping up contractors shoddy work. FML
Today, the doctor finally gave us the OK to have sex at 37 weeks pregnant. We were going to make love that night, but she was tired so we planned for the next day. She goes for an appointment and has emergency induction. We haven't had sex since April. No sex until next year. FML
Today, I found out that I'm going to have to work really hard to get a job, since I don't have enough money to finish my bachelor's. I thought it'd be easier, but two weeks in, I'm struggling. FML
Today, I finally had lunch alone with the girl I like. It wasn't bad, but we had a few awkward silences. Still, I got home feeling proud that I’d actually managed to get some one-on-one time with her. But a little while later, my sister pointed out that I’d had a piece of lettuce stuck in my teeth the entire time. FML
Today, I got the biggest shock in my life when I found out that I was a mistake, and the only reason why I wasn't put up for adoption is because of the tax refunds. FML
Today, during the night I caught a burglar in the front room so I fought and threw him out. Most wives would be happy they were saved and nothing got stolen, might want to hug their husbands, maybe give them a little loving. Mine yelled at me for waking her up and scratching the walls. FML
Today, I lost my job as a pre-school teacher. The school had to shut down and may be facing legal issues. Our head teacher's super spoiled bully of a son (who sided with him), harshly picked on and hurt a girl classmate, who happened to be the only granddaughter of the school's greatest benefactor, who's greatly wealthy. FML
Today, I was working, ripping siding off a house. I pulled off a sheet that was over my head. I got rained with what I thought was wood chips that were behind the siding. Turns out they were dead grasshoppers. Guess what I found in my bra after work. FML
Today, I had a very early miscarriage. Nice to know that I was pregnant. FML
Today, I did three loads of washing, made dinner, did all the housework and made sure the kids had what they needed for school, came home from working a full day, straight to karate lessons and football, didn’t eat until 9pm, tidied up, all while treating a UTI. All to get told I "have an attitude". FML
Today, my fiancé actually threatened to leave me if I didn't find a "real" wedding dress. I love the one I picked out, it fits me perfectly, and was well below my budget. He's upset because it's technically a bridesmaid dress. FML
Today, a girl I like was taking her phone out of her pocket and two condoms fell out. Last week I'd tried hooking up with her and she'd said that she only has sex with a man who is her boyfriend. So I said, “Oh, new boyfriend, huh?” She said, “Nah it’s for hookups, gotta be prepared!” I guess she forgot she lied to me. FML
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