The best jokes about life

Today, I finally met a guy I was interested in, after being a single 21 year-old virgin, but my brother decided to be overprotective and drag me away. Like, literally. FML

By Anonymous - 5/8/2021 19:31 - India - Bangalore

Block-cocked

139

Today, I bought my daughter a rape alarm after she had a near-miss with a creep following her to her part-time job. As soon as I handed it to her in the car park, she accidentally set it off and one of her coworker's put me in a rather painful headlock and threw me to the ground, breaking my arm. FML

By Anonymous - 5/8/2021 14:01

It's not what you think!

225

Today, I was at my psychologist's. We were talking about creative outlets and I told him that I wanted to start playing Dungeons and Dragons again. He starts chuckling, and then says, "Oh, you were serious." FML

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Creativity stifled

15866

22218

Today, I've recently been able to enjoy my life after a long depressing quarantine. I've been able to go to the gym and train in my favorite activity, boxing. Now I can't train for 2 weeks after having surgery on both my Achilles heel and PRP therapy. Hello again, misery. FML

By cuz803 - 5/8/2021 10:01

Boxed in

227

Today, I researched how to manage chronic tailbone pain from excessive sitting. One of the most consistent pieces of advice was to lean forward when working. My posture is already so bad, my chiropractor says I'm one of his worst clients of all time. I work a desk job. FML

By Anonymous - 5/8/2021 02:01 - Canada

Posturing

263

Today, I’m bisexual. My straight friends think it’s a phase and I should just "pick one". My LGBTQ friends think I’m straight and should stop "posing". I’m regularly accused of trying to steal people's partners or asked to join marital threesomes. Can’t I just be a regular person? FML

By Anonymous - 5/8/2021 06:01

Biphobia is a thing

416

Today, I boarded the wrong plane. I didn’t realise until we landed in Amsterdam, 700 miles from where I should be. FML

By WrongPlaneGuy - 5/8/2021 04:01

How does that happen?

148

410

Today, the 61 year-old Vice-President of our company complained about a blister to four landscapers working outside in the July heat, for 10 minutes. He then made me carry his lunch bag. FML

By Pinsky - 4/8/2021 19:01 - United States - Chicago

Pampered

413

Today, I found out that my wife of ten years is still deeply in love with her first crush from before she met me. Now I'm starting to wonder whether her first time was really with me, as mine was with her. FML

By Sharriff Rahman - 5/8/2021 00:01

Mystery

434

Today, I accidentally stepped on the metal prongs of an extension cord. After pulling it out of my sock, I noticed that all three of the prongs were covered in blood; they penetrated my foot. It bled like a gunshot wound for several minutes, and now my foot is unbearably sore, making it painful to walk. FML

By Anonymous - 4/8/2021 15:01 - United States - Steele

That's gonna cost ya!

509

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to post a sign at the deep end of the public swimming pool, saying, "This end topless only." When someone complained, he said that I did it, and I got banned from the pool for life. And fired, too - I was the lifeguard. FML

By georgehentson - 4/8/2021 20:01

Dumbass friends

672

Today, I started a diet to lose the 20lbs I put on during quarantine. It was also the day my body decided the diminished food intake means I'm trying to starve it to death, and must be punished with a horrible migraine. That's what I get for trying to be healthier. FML

By Anonymous - 4/8/2021 12:59 - Brazil - Niter?i

Healthy mind in a healthy body

446

109

Today, my son broke his arm roughhousing with his brother on a bunk bed. While at the ER, he thought it would be funny to tell a different story to each doctor and nurse, forcing me to speak over him. They found this behavior "suspicious" and reported us to child services. FML

By boymom - 4/8/2021 15:59

Sussy Baka

728

Today, my health is such a wreck that I’m not even sure if my main problem is mental or physical. To find out, I’d need health insurance. To get that, I’d need a job. To find a job, I’d need to be way less of a wreck. I’m in that state where you’re proud to have actually gotten out of bed each day. FML

By Anonymous - 4/8/2021 14:01

Free Healthcare for All

613

107

Today, I was babysitting an 8-year-old boy. He was playing with Play-Doh and made a sculpture that looked like a penis. I tried to cover up and asked if it was an action figure. He looked at me like I was an idiot and said, "It's a DICK." FML

By hot sweet.... not - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Renfrew

Richard

48405

6103

Today, I went outside to feed the hedgehogs who often visit my garden. It was late in the evening and dark outside. I was walking barefoot, when I suddenly stepped on something. It felt soft and splashed apart under my foot. I looked and realized that I had stepped on a slug. FML

By Hashtagfail - 4/8/2021 10:01 - Netherlands

Slimed

430

216

Today, I got yelled at for staying in my room too long; got yelled at for going out of my room; got yelled at for staying at a friend's place. FML

By Anonymous - 4/8/2021 02:00 - Australia

Can't win

593

Today, working at McDonald’s, I get lunch money on top of my salary. Well, actually I don’t *get* the money, I can eat the money. No freestyling though, only items that are actually on the menu. I guess my health and my figure won’t be lovin' it. FML

By Anonymous - 4/8/2021 06:01 - Germany - Ebersbach

Eat to the beat

497

194

Today, I bought a truck. It's a little beat up, but I got a pretty good deal because of it… Or so I thought. Turns out there's a Nickelback CD stuck in the player. And the radio is spotty. I can't help but think that had something to do with it. FML

By ricewine23 - 4/8/2021 04:01

Turn it off, make it stop!

499

144

Today, my girl was giving me a BJ when my dog started howling. She keeps going; my dog keeps howling. She stops, my dog stops. We start getting it on again and my girl starts giving me a BJ again; my dog starts howling louder this time. So we stop. My dog stopped me from getting some. This is a first. FML

By Stephon - 4/8/2021 02:01

It's a doggy dog world

652

150

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend why he shouldn't take drugs from strangers. I'm 35 and he's 34. FML

By Anonymous - 4/8/2021 00:01

Gobble gobble

553

Today, I found out that the stiffness I've been feeling in my hand is arthritis and that it's only going to get worse. Not only do I type for my job, I'm also 22. FML

By Lunar-Spice - 3/8/2021 16:00 - United States - Midlothian

Stiff Little Fingers

700

Today, my teenage son reacted to the news of his cousin's death like I’d just told him a bug got squashed on a car windscreen. He didn’t even look away from his computer screen, or react in any way. He seemed more annoyed that I’d interrupted him. FML

By Anonymous - 3/8/2021 19:59

Teenage Riot

684

136

Today, I ended up in the hospital by accidentally eating poisonous berries, from a plant that I've known since childhood to be poisonous, which I also recognized as belonging to the nightshade family. I still don’t understand what made them look tasty. Brain fart of the century, I guess. FML

By Anonymous - 3/8/2021 18:01 - Germany

Nature is healing

225

835

Today, I finally found out why my wife always told me to never visit her at work. You see, my wife and I are dark haired with blue/brown eyes and our daughter is blonde with very striking emerald green eyes. You know who else is blonde with striking emerald eyes? My wife’s boss. FML

By Anonymous - 3/8/2021 16:01

Suspicious Minds

1250

Today, my dog had REALLY bad diarrhea. I found that out when I woke up to find it all over my bed. FML

By Anonymous Taco Man - 3/8/2021 08:01 - United States

Top of the mornin' to ya!

707

Today, life gave me lemons, delivering them straight to my nuts via my neighbor's tennis ball shooter. FML

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Net!

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2806

Today, I learned that I’m being forced to go back to a position I do not want, or find a new job. I’ve been with the company for 12 years. FML

By Wtf do I do - 3/8/2021 10:00

Wage slaves unite

753

Today, my parents asked me if I was sure I didn't want to join them on a family trip tomorrow with my sister. I was never invited, and unlike the rest of the family, I have a full-time job where I can't just take days off with no warning. This is how they announce most "family trips" to me. FML

By Anonymous - 3/8/2021 07:59 - Denmark - Copenhagen

How to invite someone without actually inviting them

832