The best jokes about life

Today, I had a talk with my orthopedist about getting back to fitness training. However, according to her, all my favorite exercises, although taught to me by professionals, are "things one should never do" and "very very bad". FML

By Anonymous - 15/5/2021 14:01 - Germany

8 out of 10 orthopedists

137

Today, my boss told me to kick out of the hotel anyone who was clearly a prostitute trolling for men. I spotted a woman in a miniskirt approaching a guy in the bar, so I told her politely to leave. Despite the skirt, turns out she's the hotel manager and the man was her fiancé. I got fired so hard and fast. FML

By Lipstick lez - 15/5/2021 11:02

Top brass

235

168

Today, I learned that it is not normal to have absolutely zero desire for sex. I’m well into my 20s and not a virgin. FML

By anna - 15/5/2021 07:58

Ace in the hole

223

Today, I realized I get paid to hear my boss complain and talk crap. FML

By Anonymous - 14/5/2021 23:59 - Dominican Republic - Santo Domingo

Money for whining

244

Today, my mom walked in on me shaving the tops of my legs. She called me a freak, since apparently women aren’t even supposed to grow hair there. FML

By jessie - 15/5/2021 04:00

Different together

375

Today, I accidentally broke one of my mom’s favorite glasses while she was away. My dad saw and offered to tell her instead that he broke it, because, "let’s face it, if she knew it was you, she’d shove the glass shards down your fucking throat." FML

By deadgirl - 15/5/2021 01:59

Psycho

467

Today, same as always, I still have to take a moment to distinguish between right and left. I’m 21. FML

By sam - 15/5/2021 00:01

Where am I?

321

151

Today, I had a job interview. I was feeling upbeat and confident I was gonna get the position, until I saw that my main qualification on my resume was being a "real n**ga" and "getting bitches and hoes 24/7." My brother had changed it as a prank. FML

By Anonymous - 14/5/2021 22:03

Just a prank, bro

630

105

Today, I realized that my boyfriend‘s birthday was two weeks ago, so I immediately sent him a message as if it was today. He didn’t believe my excuses. FML

By Anonymous - 14/5/2021 12:59 - Colombia - Bogot?

How Soon is Now?

104

984

Today, my fiancé of over 5 years and I split, since I don't want kids and he does, which I have told him throughout our relationship. It gets better: we live in a house that his father owns and his father wants me out… in a fucking week. FML

By Anonymous - 14/5/2021 11:01 - United States - Wilmington

Unreasonable

604

272

Today, two girls walked into the clothing store I work in. One of them pulled a shirt from the bottom of a huge stack, knocking it down. One of them asks, "Aren’t your gonna put the stack back together?" The other says, "No, that bitch gets paid to clean that shit up." FML

By Giselle - 14/5/2021 14:01

Customers…

741

Today, while playing cards, with my dad, mom and sister, I excused myself to go to the bathroom several times just to secretly chat with my crush. I laughed so hard at a joke that I wet my pants. My family thinks I need to see a doctor because I was going to the bathroom so often between card games. FML

By Anonymous - 14/5/2021 14:31 - India - Delhi

Bladdered

139

863

Today, I found out why my boyfriend didn’t want me to attend his graduation: because a classmate he’s been seeing was there. I watched through the livestream posted on the school website as they held hands, hugged and kissed. I motivated him to finish college in the first place. FML

By maricela - 14/5/2021 07:58

Traitor!

1221

Today, I tried to sneak in at 2 a.m. after going out, since I'm 16, but I tripped over a pair of slippers and landed flat on my face. My body fell quietly, but I let out a very loud and guttural, "Oof." After about a minute, I lifted my face to see my mom standing over me. I'm now grounded for 3 days. FML

By ClumsyTeen - 13/5/2021 23:57 - United States - Staten Island

Light sentence

156

1288

Today, I got into a accident at the dunes, rolling a Razor buggy. Last weekend, I sleepwalked and microwaved my phone. Last month, I gave myself third degree burns while curling my hair. I need to live in a bubble. FML

By bubble wrapped girl - 13/5/2021 19:01 - United States - Medford

Bad omens all around

588

201

Today, I was disowned in my family because of the pandemic, after I refused to quit my job and live at my parents house, with them supporting my family, so now no one in my family has acknowledged my existence since August 2020. FML

By Anonymous - 14/5/2021 02:01

Sticking together

799

Today, I put my house shoes on without socks, but felt a rock in them. I shook it free and out dropped a half-crushed roach. FML

By Anonymous - 14/5/2021 00:00

Hello little guy

660

Today, my father was watching the story on the TV news of a girl who was killed by an Uber driver when trying to return home. The only thing he said was, "Serves her well for being a slut." I have two younger sisters and one among them had a miscarriage after her abusive ex-boyfriend raped her. FML

By Dick. - 13/5/2021 22:01

Worst father ever

952

Today, I had to admit to myself that recently my biggest kink was watching Sam Seder debate libertarians. My oh my, watching him dunk on them on YouTube gets me hot and bothered. This feels wrong. FML

By Jeanine - 13/5/2021 20:01

Strange kind of porn

230

481

Today, I wore my tightest, slightly too small, push-up bra and low cut top to impress a guy at work. He came over to borrow a pen. I leaned down to get one out of my bag and my nipple popped out. FML

By Anonymous - 13/5/2021 17:01

Pick me!

196

1385

Today, I found out that my boyfriend lied about not only talking to one other girl, but 5 other girls, and it wasn't just talking, it was wanting to meet up, nudes, sex, getting high together etc.. This has been going on for months, and even when I confronted him about it with evidence, he still denied it all. FML

By Essie - 13/5/2021 22:01 - Australia - Sydney

Detective work

808

107

Today, I announced to my boyfriend of 5 years that I was pregnant. He gave me an ultimatum. Either I "get rid of it" because he’s "not ready to be a dad" or he’ll "put me out on the streets." I’m unemployed and have nowhere to go if I keep it. FML

By Catherine - 13/5/2021 11:01

Nice guy

1014

263

Today, I realised that my work office is the building that I have spent by far the most amount of time in throughout my life. FML

By Anonymous - 13/5/2021 10:58

Wage slave

597

Today, my new colleagues took me up on my idea of a group night out. Perhaps they'll actually invite me along next time. FML

By Loner_Lou - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - London

Coming soon, to a place near you…

41791

3142

Today, I have wasted so much time reading comments on this page that FML comments have become my favorite bedtime stories. FML

By sara - 13/5/2021 01:59 - Canada

Don't overdo it, it's bad for you

469

206

Today, my mother called me "wasteful" because I left the refrigerator door open and that "electricity money doesn’t grow on trees." This is the same person who lets my little sister have her light on all night, because she’s scared of the dark. FML

By YanezIbanez - 13/5/2021 06:01

Two things that aren't the same

288

1018

Today, I had a phone interview for a better position at work. I've been training my puppy recently not to bark. I put on dog-calming videos while she was in the kennel. During the interview, my neighbor's dog started barking and my dog immediately responded back. My boss ended the interview. FML

By Elizabeth Haygood - 13/5/2021 04:01

Dog hater?

794

113

Today, I met my boyfriend’s female friend. We all went out to dinner, he paid for her meal instead of mine, asked me why I’m not a redhead like her, and when he dropped her off at her house, spent the entire hour car ride talking about how perfect she is. He still has no idea why I’m upset with him. FML

By Anonymous - 13/5/2021 02:01

Sketchy

1053

104

Today, I was put in charge of painting a storage shed. The company owner ordered me to paint it a shade of blue. The site manager order me to paint it red. My boss ordered green paint. FML

By Anonymous - 13/5/2021 00:01

Get creative

788