The best jokes about life

167

Today, my roommate walked in on me going down on my girlfriend in our shared living area. She was embarrassed for about 20 seconds, then pushed my head back down and told me to keep going until he comes back. FML

By Anonymous - 16/4/2021 17:30 - United States - Chicago

Sounds like a keeper, actually

153

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Today, I was notified by my bank that the government stimulus check I had deposited last week had been returned. FML

By PolarBear2020 - 16/4/2021 23:05

Return to sender

258

Today, I borrowed my friend’s bracelet, and because I let it out of my sight for two seconds, it vanished. I never even left the house with it. FML

By mouse - 16/4/2021 20:00

Vanishing trick

245

152

Today, I woke up naked in my best friend's roommate's bed. We had sex and I puked on the bed. My first sex in over a year and I don't remember a thing. FML

By Anonymous - 16/4/2021 16:59 - Netherlands

Couldn't have been that great

160

398

Today, I had a miscarriage. My partner doesn't understand why I'm upset, saying, "It wasn't even a real baby yet." FML

By Anonymous - 16/4/2021 23:59 - New Zealand - Wellington

Empathy

728

Today, I was told I’d have to get up early tomorrow. When I complained, my mother responded with some sarcasm about me being a spoiled little princess who needs her sleep. Never mind that when I have to wake up early, I hallucinate and vomit. FML

By lida - 16/4/2021 11:00

Check yourself

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Today, my friend told me that his girlfriend is so mad at me for being friends with him that she's going to kill me with a weapon. I called the cops, because I didn’t feel safe. Later, my friend called me to tell me he was joking, and that I was stupid for believing him. FML

By jjkk - 16/4/2021 08:00

Joke detection fail

558

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Today, I have been crying uncontrollably for a week straight. Why? Someone posted a mean comment about me on the internet a week ago. No matter how much I try to think about something else, I can’t. What is wrong with me? FML

By misty - 16/4/2021 05:00

Need help

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Today, we’ve been unable to have sex for months due to my boyfriend’s health issues. I would never EVER cheat on him; however my unconscious mind has other ideas. I’ve dreamt of kinky sex with everyone from the maintenance man to gettin' freaky with detective Stabler. I’m so horny I’m gonna burst. FML

By horny I’m so horny - 15/4/2021 17:00 - United States

Frustrating!

621

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Today, my 12 year-old son came home with two broken arms after finding an awesome place to ride his bike. He found a sweet jump and his handlebars broke. He's currently in slings and waiting for an appointment with a surgeon, the breaks were so bad, the hospital couldn't reset them. FML

By Anonymous - 16/4/2021 00:30

My little boy

671

Today, during class, my teacher left a small mark on the whiteboard. When I pointed it out, she simply rolled her eyes and told me to, “let it go.” I have OCD and was completely unable to focus on the rest of the lesson because of the mark. FML

By necca - 15/4/2021 23:00

OCD FML

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Today, I was getting ready for a very unpleasant doctor's appointment. I got out of the shower and used a new body spray all over my torso and arms. Turns out I'm allergic to it and now my skin is on fire, so now I get to go to an already uncomfortable appointment even more uncomfortable than I'd planned. FML

By Ashley - 15/4/2021 21:30

Itchy and Scratchy

547

142

Today, my neighbour decided to get high while leaving his bathtub running, resulting in passing out and starting a flood in the hallways. FML

By Anonymous - 15/4/2021 13:59 - Canada

Splish splash, I was taking a bath

616

Today, I sent a picture of my two little nephews to my friends, who now keep telling me how my older nephew looks exactly like me. They’re starting to make awkward statements such as, “Are you sure you didn’t have sex with your sister in-law?” FML

By Anonymous - 15/4/2021 11:00 - United States - Arlington

Are you sure?

603

Today, I found out that no matter how careful you are during this pandemic, wearing a mask, washing hands, and social distancing, you can still get COVID. FML

By Anonymous - 15/4/2021 13:59

It's not called a pandemic for nothing

727

162

Today, I had a dream I saw my dad. I tried to talk to him, but then I woke up. He died last Monday. FML

By Anonymous - 15/4/2021 11:00

Classic

1110

Today, a customer yelled at me because I wouldn’t sell her a boneless chicken bucket with extra fries, beans, coleslaw and Pepsi. I work at Subway. FML

By Anonymous - 15/4/2021 08:00

That's no excuse

855

Today, I overheard my mom telling my aunt what an “attention-seeking drama queen” I’ve been lately. All I asked was that she not smoke around me. I’ve had asthma all my life and am currently recovering from Covid. She thinks it’s all a conspiracy, meanwhile I haven’t taken a deep breath in weeks. FML

By fuck you! - 15/4/2021 05:00

Don't engage with these people

1024

Today, my husband decided it's completely fine to walk around the house with his penis out in front of his mom. FML

By Anonymous - 15/4/2021 01:59

Close

821

Today, my mom grabbed my iPhone and threw it from the balcony, because I didn’t cry on the fifth anniversary of our family dog’s death. FML

By Anonymous - 15/4/2021 00:30

Poor old Truffles

861

Today, a year after I moved out with no contact since, my former housemates texted me out of the blue to tell me I'm not invited to their wedding. Seems she thought I'd just turn up and "embarrass" myself. I never indicated that I intended or even wanted to go. FML

By Anonymous - 14/4/2021 23:03

Preventive measures

697

Today, while watching a news clip about NASA's Mars helicopter, Ingenuity, my wife asked me if Mars has a sun. She was serious. FML

By Anonymous - 14/4/2021 15:30 - United States - Toledo

Sunshine of my life

634

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Today, my ex-boyfriend who is now transitioning to female, called me transphobic for dumping them, and now most of my 'friends' hate me and I've garnered an awful reputation because of it. I guess they 'forgot' I broke up with them because they cheated on me, and also forgot the fact that I myself am trans. FML

By Anonymous - 14/4/2021 19:59

Wokescolds arise!

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Today, I found out that a burglar broke into my house. Since I didn't have expensive stuff for them to steal, they took my Fleshlight. FML

By ... - 14/4/2021 17:00

Who'd want that?

705

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Today, my friend won’t pay me back the money I lent her. I stupidly lent her $1200. She’s calling me an “inconsiderate bitch” because I “have a good paying job, I’ll be alright.” FML

By Taty - 14/4/2021 14:00

Neither a borrower nor a lender be

846

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Today, I sharted in work this morning. It was rather unpleasant and everyone around me knew what had happened. The embarrassment was stifling. FML

By orourkeda - 14/4/2021 10:00 - Ireland - Dublin

Bad day #74746

715

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Today, I started my first 3-day weekend in over a month after asking for one. I also start the neverending diarrhea and vomit spiral because my stomach can’t handle a little spice. So much for a relaxing 3-day weekend. FML

By Anonymous - 14/4/2021 08:00

Working for the weekend

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Today, I woke up again from another nightmare about my university's hazing fallout. Every time I see their faces in these dreams, I remember how they got away with everything, including trying to end us as they searched for the first year snitch. FML

By Anonymous - 13/4/2021 23:00 - United States - Pittsburgh

Hazing rituals have to stop

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