The best jokes about life

145

Today, I woke up, had great sex, had a delicious breakfast, played with my kid and laid down for a nap… only to wake up in extreme pain, an ambulance ride, and now a doctor saying I need emergency surgery on my leaking gallbladder. FML

By Anonymous - 23/9/2021 17:00

Alexa, play "It was a Good Day" by Ice Cube

275

Today, I once again had to explain that my husband's vasectomy was because we really don't want children, and that, "but you can always adopt or try to undo the vasectomy" isn't an appropriate answer. FML

By IZK - 23/9/2021 14:00

Follow the lifescript or else

330

Today, I woke up with the nastiest, most brutal hangover ever. I haven't had alcohol in 10 years and I only eat healthy, yet my body craps itself out because… reasons. FML

By Anonymous - 23/9/2021 11:01

It's called growing old

309

Today, I found out that I need a hysterectomy. When I told my boyfriend of 2 years, he broke up with me, because he didn't have time to "coddle my feelings". FML

By Anonymous - 23/9/2021 11:00

Nice guy

442

Today, I found out I’m pregnant. This would be joyful news, if the father wasn’t my friend’s soon-to-be husband. I’m one of the bridesmaids at their wedding tomorrow. FML

By Liliannn - 23/9/2021 08:00

Oh, the sinning

1429

Today, my friend received a package I sent her by mail. The package was already ripped open on arrival, two out of the three blouses I sent her were missing and a limited edition glass cup I sent her with the apparel was smashed. FML

By Anonymous - 23/9/2021 04:59

Thanks UPSDHLFML

521

Today, I invited my best friend of 15 years to my birthday party. He wants to bring his girlfriend of a year along, because she feels "threatened" by our friendship, and thinks "He’ll cheat." I'd already put the deposit for the venue and it costs $50 per additional guest. FML

By Partypoooped - 23/9/2021 01:59

No plus ones

464

158

Today, my sister, who is now 19, gathered the guts to formally present her boyfriend to us. She was so concerned that my parents wouldn't let her have a boyfriend, she kept it a secret for 5 years. We were happy to hear it, until she presented him to us. He's a 35-year-old taxi driver. FML

By I don't care if it was consented or not, I'm gonna whoop the shit out of this child-molesting fuck. - 22/9/2021 23:00

Statutory

758

Today, I heard from my little nephews that in school, the father of one of their peers has his arms all covered in tattoos. Their grandpa told my nephews to stay away from people with tattoos, as they were likely criminals and wanting to kidnap children. He doesn't know I have a tattoo in my back. FML

By Jonny - 22/9/2021 20:01

Criminals

521

101

Today, I had a mandatory online meeting with a special work program early in the morning. Despite having insomnia for the past three weeks, I got up on time. No one has emailed me a meeting link, and no replies either. Now, I'm afraid I will lose what little "benefit" the government throws my way. FML

By Anonymous - 22/9/2021 15:59 - United Kingdom - London

Alexa, play "Jobseeker" by Sleaford Mods

586

Today, I brought home a vase, which I was proud of, that I made for my mother in my pottery class. My mother took one look at it and said, "Oh good, you can sell that in our garage sale." FML

By Allen - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Every day I'm hustlin'

47095

3221

Today, when asked for a second date, I had to explain to a man that I didn’t want to see him again, and that he should give women compliments and ask them questions when on a date. He then told me he only does that when his dates look good or say something interesting. He sure still tried to fuck me. FML

By slschmidt - 22/9/2021 14:00 - Germany - Hamburg

Some guys will hump anything

624

127

Today, I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes a couple of weeks ago. The upside is that the diabetic meds I've been prescribed help with weight loss. The takeaway? Diarrhea. Lots and lots of diarrhea. FML

By Isa - 22/9/2021 11:00

Silver-brown linings

591

Today, about a minute after telling my son not to pick his nose, he caught me picking mine. This has led to a cascade of, "Why should I follow dad's rules when even dad doesn’t follow dad rules?" He now questions everything I tell him, and is breaking every rule in the book to make his point. FML

By Anonymous - 22/9/2021 08:00

Goldmining

148

977

Today, after I've been cleaning a hostel 7/7 for free accommodation for a few weeks, and the owner telling me 3 times to take a day off while he was able to do the job, I'm finally leaving. He's now (and only now) asking me to pay for the 3 nights I "didn't work for." FML

By Paf - 21/9/2021 19:59 - Canada - Whitehorse

Tight ass

660

Today, my stepfather refused to drive me to the hospital after having a toothpick that was left on the floor lodge itself and break off in the bottom of my foot. He's the only person in the house that uses toothpicks. FML

By floss can't skewer people - 22/9/2021 02:00

Best teeth in the game

752

Today, my father sent me a video via Whatsapp. In it, he was cheating on my mother. FML

By I'm a recurring amateur porn consumer but this is bollocks. - 21/9/2021 23:00

Butt-dial

797

Today, my girlfriend is on her period. She hugged me, crying because she was going to miss me. Where was I going? To the store down the street and back. FML

By nexus - 22/9/2021 04:00 - Papua New Guinea

Alexa, play "Don't Go" by Yazoo

640

107

Today, I had a job interview. Everything was cool, until I found out that the HR recruiter was my mother-in-law. She told me that the work was mine if I break up with her daughter. I have until the next Wednesday to think about it. FML

By Blackmailed - 21/9/2021 17:00

Can't choose

843

Today, my car ran out of battery. I'm writing this from the middle of the road. FML

By Fuck you, Tesla. - 21/9/2021 14:00

Tesla was robbed

425

470

Today, I asked the girl I sort of like as we were leaving class how her day was going so far. She said, "Great. Don't ruin it." FML

By loser - this FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Pompano Beach

Young love

34887

3334

Today, my anxiety and depression were so bad that when I went to the post office and failed three times to parallel park, I promptly burst into tears, apologized, and drove off when a very nice lady offered to help. FML

By Fishypickles - 21/9/2021 10:59

Road angst

677

122

Today, I tried to give my mom a hug, but she pushed me away and yelled at me for trying to hug her while she’s angry. When I asked how I was supposed to know, she replied, “Read my fucking body language, idiot!” I’m diagnosed autistic and she knows it. FML

By hmh - 21/9/2021 08:00

Cool mom

919

Today, I was selling weed to a guy by text. He was using our code, saying, "Can I book a tutoring session at 6 o'clock?" I asked, "How many hours do you need?" He replied, "Three please." I said, "Sure." Then he said, "Just leave it in the blue Adidas again." FML

By Anonymous - 21/9/2021 13:00 - Australia - Bankstown

Nice try, fed

194

839

Today, my mother was sneaking through my underwear and found my condoms and the bills from the hospital where I had my IUD inserted. She then started yelling at me, saying that I didn't have permission to not have children and that, "I get to choose, not you." I'm 28 years old. FML

By Anonymous - 21/9/2021 02:00

But my grandbabiiiiiiies!

1592

126

Today, it took all 3 of my kids threatening to use their saved money to move out and into a flat together to make me realise just how much of an asshole my boyfriend is, and that by any definition I’ve been in a mentally abusive relationship for years, and ignored everyone’s attempts to help. FML

By Anonymous - 20/9/2021 23:00

March for sanity

741

571

Today, my coworker touched me inappropriately. I reported it to HR, and all they said was, "Do you want to talk to a therapist?" FML

By Anonymous - 20/9/2021 20:00

Thanks, that fixed it

866

Today, I went on a date with an awesome guy. I got super hammered and punched him in the face. FML

By DrunkGirl - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - France

First date, and probably the last

9739

63114

Today, at a funeral, I'd told my autistic son it would be over at 11:30. By 11:33 he was loudly complaining the funeral should be over, and could we leave because he was bored. I had to drag him out, still loudly complaining about the time, while 50 relatives glared absolute daggers at us. FML

By Anonymous - 20/9/2021 17:00

Empathy

795

261