Today, I learned that due to a security incident my favourite fanfiction website will be down for two weeks, possibly four. FML
Today, my boyfriend asked me to text him when I got home after driving 40 miles in bad weather from his house back to mine. When I did, he broke up with me. FML
Today, while I was lying in bed in a hospital gown, a nurse came to check my vitals. I wasn't wearing any underwear and unbeknownst to me the bottom of my gown had been pulled up. My nurse laughed her head off while pointing this out to me as I covered myself, mortified after accidentally flashing her with my tiny dick. FML
Today, I discovered a large number of errors at my new job, wrote them down, and took them to my boss. Later, a coworker had a shout at me, because he was "saving them" so he could drip feed them to the boss, and look like he was always catching mistakes. FML
Today, I'd begged my family not to embarrass me in front of my girlfriend. Dinner went perfectly until my little brother showed her a video of me dancing, wearing nothing but a superhero cape. My girlfriend laughed so hard, she proposed a new nickname: Captain Cringe. FML
Today, during a dream job interview, my mum called and screamed, “DID YOU FIX THE TOILET YET, YOU LAZY BASTARD?” She was loud enough for the interviewer to hear her, so as he stared at me, I panicked and said, “Sorry, she's my previous employer.” FML
Today, while serving drinks at work to a group of people getting tipsy on wine, I joked about it being obvious who the designated driver was to the only gentleman who'd been religiously sticking to Coke all night. He coldly informed me that he was a recovering alcoholic. FML
Today, I texted my best friend that my girlfriend was annoying. Only, it turns out I sent it to our couples' group chat. Her mom replied, “At least he's honest.” Her dad left the group. My girlfriend changed her Netflix password. FML
Today, I called off my engagement because when we went grocery shopping for our house, I put a box of pads in our cart. He separated them so I that had to pay for them. He’s actually confused as to why I’m upset and thinks I’m not being serious about ending our engagement. He said, “I’ll give you a week or so.” FML
Today, after I had sex and had a secret relationship with somebody's husband, and took him from her, karma waited 14 years to pay me back and have the EXACT same thing done to me . FML
Today, after working on my novel for two years, I found out that another book has recently been published with an almost identical plot. I was going to submit it to a publisher in two days. FML
Today, a guy at my community center screamed and swore at me that I was lying about being a "professional hacker" because I didn't have Linux on my laptop. He then demanded that he teach me how to code. He's in his thirties and genuinely doesn't know what a computer lab is, or what uploading is. FML
Today, I’m supposed to be proposing to my girlfriend in an hour, but my stupid, air-headed bitch sister found the ring, tried it on, took photos of her wearing it for her social media, then got on a plane to go on her girly holiday, but never took the ring off. The bitch thinks it’s funny. FML
Today, I found it funny that if a 35 year-old man was spending time with a 14 year-old girl, everyone would lose their minds, but a 35 year-old man spending time with a 14 year-old boy is A-OK, and I'm a disgusting bigot for asking questions. The boy is my little brother and I'm worried sick about him. FML
Today, it's my second day of uni just sitting in halls, waiting for the lecturers, and switching venues that are not even in our timetable. Like, how come this is the "TOPPEST" university in the whole country? FML
Today, my new subletter moved in. Within 6 hours, one of my cats took a dump on her pants. I freaked out, lit some candles to hide the smell, and threw her pants in the washer. When the cycle was done, I found her cell phone at the bottom of the washing machine. FML
Today, I admitted to my friend that after having my first son, I have a completely different kind of love for him, as opposed to what I feel for my two daughters. In response, she scoffed and muttered, "'Boy moms' are never beating the allegations!" FML
Today, I shaved my armpit hair. After growing it for so long, it's gone. FML
Today, I had a big fight with my husband. We'd made a plan for our vacation and I stuck to the plan. He screamed at me for sticking to the plan. When I pointed out that he made the plan, he shouted at me some more because I'd "spoiled the vacation." Later, he asked if I was hungry. No apology. No acknowledgement. FML
Today, I was doing takeout orders at the restaurant I work at. I spent a long while putting together this guy's $135.00 order. When he finally got there to pick it up, I told him to fill out the credit card slip. I looked at it after he left. He gave me a 40 cent tip. FML
Today, I paid for NASCAR tickets for my husband, because it was something on his bucket list. I wanted to do something nice for him. Every time I tell him something he does that bothers me though, his comeback is, "Sorry I’m not perfect, maybe I should just kill myself and you can have all the money." FML
Today, my mother-in-law went ballistic for me letting my kids watch the Ladybug and Cat Noir movie, because there is one black spot on Ladybug's costume positioned to look like a patch of pubic hair, and is therefore inappropriate for children. It’s a cartoon about superheroes, FFS. FML
Today, my husband gave me an ultimatum: either I go to therapy for my depression or he’ll divorce me, because 4 years living with a virtual stranger who only grunts at him is enough and he doesn’t intend to be a roommate in a loveless, sexless marriage forever. I’m trying, I really am. FML
Today, I walked into the house I share with my boyfriend and found his mum sashaying up and down the hall. When she saw me, she exclaimed, "Oh, you've got to tell me where you get your underwear from!" Yep, she was wearing my panties. Neither she nor her son could see why I would be upset by that. FML
Today, I was walking past the drive thru window at my job when I heard someone whistle at me. I whipped around and snapped at the customer, “Did you just whistle at me?” Turns out my new coworker has a tic where she whistles, and she was standing a few feet away. I accused an innocent customer of catcalling me. FML
Today, my boyfriend proposed with his grandmother’s ring in front of a huge crowd of all our friends. It might have been romantic if he hadn’t stolen the ring from his parents' safe and if we weren’t juniors in high school. Now everyone thinks I’m a huge bitch for saying no in front of everyone. FML
Today, it's been one year since my husband moved six states away for his job. The plan was for me to stay behind until I found a job, but I still haven't in all this time. I can just feel the distance growing between us. FML
Today, I discovered that my boyfriend of two years was cheating on me. How? His other girlfriend crashed her car into mine and had him pick her up. FML
Today, I invited my crush to the city I moved to for work. Paid for her ticket. She was supposed to be here for a week. Long story short, she spent the week banging my roommate at the Hilton. FML
Today, me and my dad's birthdays are both a week apart. For his birthday I'd given him a cute card with a dog on it that said happy birthday, and inside it had 200$. A week later, he gave me the same card, but it was empty. FML
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