Your everyday life stories

Today, my girlfriend refused to have sex with me, because my underwear are Fruit of the Loom instead of Hanes. According to her, since all real men wear Hanes, I'm unfit to have sex with her because I wear Fruit of the Loom and am therefore not a man. FML

By Nutty - 21/7/2019 00:04

233

Today, I had someone place two separate to-go orders, so that he could use two of his "25% off" coupons. He couldn't understand why it wasn't 50% off his total bill, no matter how many times I plainly explained it to him. FML

By Anonymous - 20/7/2019 22:06

329

Today, I was told I have kidney stones, kidney infections, and a bladder infection and that I have to get admitted into the hospital. I let my boss know, and she replied, "But you're still coming in for your shift tonight, right?" FML

By lxygrl - 20/7/2019 13:07 - United States - Phenix City

490

Today, after being promised a job and attending five full days of training and induction for a job as a bicycle delivery officer, I was denied the job at the very end of the last day for, "riding my bicycle too quickly on the road." FML

By TooFast - 21/7/2019 02:00 - Australia - Mount Druitt

498

Today, my cat attempted to make up for my insomnia with a dead mouse. I have no idea where he got it. FML

By Anonymous - 20/7/2019 09:00 - United States - Tulsa

456

Today, I walked in on my brother masturbating. In the living room. For the second time. FML

By Anonymous - 20/7/2019 22:00 - Australia - Brighton

653

Today, I’m on holiday with my mum. She got so pissed, she fell over on the dance floor at the children’s disco, then had to rely on a stranger to keep her upright so I could go get the car to take her home. FML

By DrunkenMum - 20/7/2019 12:00

604

Today, I found out my boyfriend made a move to hook up with my best friend. She was about to reciprocate, only for him to suddenly tell her that she’s a horrible friend, and then he told me about it. I’m not sure if I should be picking sides here. FML

By bruh - 20/7/2019 06:20

1000

Today, nine hours into a ten-hour shift, I accidentally told a customer, "You're a problem!" instead of, "You're welcome!" or, "No problem!" She gave me a dirty look and hurried off before I could correct myself. FML

By Oopsie - 20/7/2019 04:00

660

Today, I had a dream about sleeping, which is a dream I have frequently. I’m exhausted even when I sleep. FML

By amy - 20/7/2019 02:09

808

Today, my daughter informed me that she hates everything about her appearance and wants to get every possible plastic surgery when she’s older. She’s 7. FML

By ladygrey - 20/7/2019 00:08

986

112

Today, after I've been nauseous for a week straight, barely eating or sleeping, I was going to see my doctor. She then called in sick and I can't get an appointment for another week. FML

By InnocenceBlue - 20/7/2019 04:00 - Australia - Perth

941

Today, a guy asked me my name and I told him it's Holly. He then asked if I was "real or a Holligram?" Apparently, The Office is the best, and only place to get pick up lines. FML

By Youalreadyknowmyname - 19/7/2019 14:00 - United States - Jeffersonville

883

136

By Alan - 19/7/2019 18:00

FML's 15 Favorite Funny Fuck-Ups of the Week!

Whether it's people not understanding how the world works or just people fucking their shit up, check out idiots being hilarious idiots.

Today, a customer at the bar I work at yelled at me for calling her "Ma'am." I asked what she'd prefer, and she gave me her name. When I called her by her name, she yelled at me for not calling her "Ma'am." FML

By DrunkPeopleSuck - 19/7/2019 16:00

1153

Today, I was at a store. I asked if I needed a key for their bathroom, and they said the door was open. I have to walk past them to go in and out of the bathroom. Thirty seconds later, they used the key and walked in on me. FML

By LostSoul - 19/7/2019 14:02

1102

Today, my boyfriend and I got robbed. He was so depressed about all the stuff we lost, I decided to cheer him up with a lap dance. I told him to sit on a chair. We have no furniture left. He started crying. FML

By caligirl4ever - 19/7/2019 12:00

1210

312

Today, my car horn got some sort of short and started beeping every 20 seconds or so. On the way to get it fixed, I got stuck in bumper to bumper traffic. Behind a cop car. FML

By Anonymous - 19/7/2019 06:01

1364

Today, I failed my driving test, and didn't get my great new job that a buddy helped me get. He got fired, and they won't hire me because he recommended me, regardless of how qualified for the job and how great the interview went. He called to tell me an hour before my driving test. FML

By twistedelegance - 19/7/2019 04:00

1215

100

Today, for the third time in as many months, I woke up early and got dressed up for our department’s networking breakfast, where I stood in the back with no seat and no food, while employees from other departments and less senior staff ate breakfast. My boss later asked me if the food was good. FML

By Anonymous - 19/7/2019 02:00

1065

350

Today, after 4 days without being able to poop, now, while sitting stuck in traffic, I have the sudden urge to use the bathroom. FML

By Anonymous - 19/7/2019 00:01

1258

Today, one of my friends came over to go swimming in my pool. Before going back into the house, as it's all carpeted, I automatically took off my trunks, forgetting about my friend. I realized my mistake when my friend commented on my abnormally long foreskin. FML

By Anonymous - 18/7/2019 22:00

824

866

Today, my father, who I haven't spoken to in over 12 years, contacted me. He just wanted to let me know that I should get tested for a rare neurological disease. The only thing the man has given to me since my conception is potentially a death certificate. FML

By Anonymous - 18/7/2019 20:00

1402

Today, I asked my wife who she would choose, me or the dog. She chose the dog. No hesitation. FML

By Anonymous - 18/7/2019 18:00

949

748

Today, I got a second piercing in my ear. I needed help cleaning the back, so I asked my dad for help. I told him to careful, but right when I did, he tore the earring out with the cotton swab. Thanks, dad. FML

By wowawesome - 18/7/2019 16:00

1128

248

Today, my wife and I got into an argument. She ran out, yelling. Later, at work, I felt guilty, so I picked up some flowers and a card. When I presented them to her, she looked puzzled. I made the mistake of reminding her about our argument. She is now mad at me, again. FML

By anon - 18/7/2019 14:00

1474

215

Today, I had the mole on my neck removed. By my pet bird. FML

By Sarah - 18/7/2019 12:00

1272

134

Today, I picked up a prostitute. The prostitute was my sister, and I picked her up from jail. FML

By Donnie - 18/7/2019 06:00

1829

136

Today, in Las Vegas, after taking my drunk dad and his drunk friend to their respective hotel rooms, I realised that I, 16 years-old, am the responsible one. FML

By ohgosh1428 - 18/7/2019 04:00

1410

109