Today, I realized that there are two types of days in my life. Days when I work, and days where I lie on the couch doomscrolling and waiting for it to be late enough to start drinking. FML
Today, I was suspended from work. Last week, while working at the hospital, they brought in a patient who was involved in an accident. He was pronounced DOA (Dead On Arrival). He was a longtime friend of mine, so I posted my grief on Facebook and Instagram. That’s how his mom and sister found out. FML
Today, it's my first day at a new school. I transferred here halfway through the year to get away from a girl who bullies me. She's apparently bullied her mom into transferring her here as well. FML
Today, we had a family gathering but the whole time my spoiled brat of a sister made a big deal about her “coming out” as polyamorous. She kept going on and on about imaginary struggles and oppression, while simultaneously bragging about all the people (if you can call them that) she’s banging. FML
Today, after a very long day, I got home from the swimming pool at 10:30 pm. I didn’t have dinner, I was super hungry, so I ordered a pizza while walking back home. 35 minutes later, only a can of coke arrived. Apparently, I that's all I actually ordered. FML
Today, I got a professional haircut for the first time in 2 years. I wanted it touching the tops of my shoulders and thats what length the stylist cut it to. After she washed my hair she decided to 'touch it up' and cut way too much off. I now have a Karen cut. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me I should stop talking about his major gambling problem because he still loves me even though I gained weight. Apparently that evens things out. FML
Today, I got home from work and discovered that my dog dug up my bunny who died a couple of weeks ago. The scream I screamed made the new neighbor think I'm crazy. FML
Today, my boyfriend’s ex is such a vindictive controlling bitch. It was our first time picking up the kids but she refused to give them to us because we didn’t have car seats. Instead of just letting us use hers, she demanded we go buy brand new seats. FML
Today, I wanted to take a bubble bath with the jets in the bath that I haven't used in years. When I got in, it took me a while to realize that the jets had squirted out slime and a family of unidentifiable bugs that have probably been living there for years. FML
Today, we held a funeral for a friend who'd died of food poisoning that he contracted at the funeral for another friend. FML
Today, a tiny puppy only a few weeks old came out of some bushes and chose me as her human. I took her home and left her with my wife while I went back out for flea shampoo, milk, and a bed. When I got home, my wife had already called a charity to pick her up, because, “We’re not dog people.” FML
Today, I'm unmotivated, lazy slob who keeps screwing up at work. For half the month. The other half, I'm a hyperactive, super fast worker, who finishes everything, and greedily picks up more tasks. Between the Jekyll and Hyde, my coworkers no longer trust me. Why am I like this? FML
Today, I found out that multiple people have access to my dead friend’s FB account and have seen every single thing I’ve tagged his account on, sent to his Messenger, etc., Which is mostly spicy novel accounts that do giveaways (where you tag a friend to enter). Thanksgiving might be interesting… FML
Today, I messaged the guy I've been seeing for four months, referring to him as my boyfriend. His response? "I didn't realize you had a boyfriend." FML
Today, my idiot friends set me up on a blind date. It was about to go well, until her glass eye fell out onto my hand. FML
Today, my wife is mad at me because I didn’t let our son win at Mario Kart Racing and he cried. I’m sorry, but it’s almost impossible to let a kid win at Mario Kart when he drives his character off every cliff, runs into every obstacle, and pulls 180s to drive down the track in the wrong direction. FML
Today, my dad, who only recently came back into my life, decided somewhere in his booze-damaged brain, that I still needed parenting like a teenager. He tried to take my car keys for staying out late, tried to ground me for drinking, and disapproves of me dating. I’m 27 and own my own home. FML
Today, I was pulling into a parking garage space and using the next car over to judge where the wall was in front of me, but ended up whumping my front bumper as I pulled forward. Wondering what had happened, I got out to see that the car I was aligning myself against had hit the wall too. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after ten months. Why? She found out I didn't vote. Apparently that means I don't care about "her rights" and that's "a dealbreaker." Crazy bitch. FML
Today, I had court at 8 am. After 4 hours of sitting through other's hearings, they finally told me that there wasn't any time for me. I've already had to go out of my way to request time off from work and get witnesses together. FML
Today, I found some guy on the internet called “@GlazerOf(my username)” who was really sweet and complimented my art. I cried in public from happiness and appreciation because of it, and everyone thought that I had just experienced a breakup. FML
Today, I live in a tiny apartment with my two children, post-divorce. My mother-in-law thought the best thing to do would be to come in while I was at work and fill every single surface, including my tiny kitchen, with toys. Huge toys, toys with tiny pieces, and lots that make noise. FML
Today, I pretended to not be able to go out with a friend so I could hang with my boyfriend at the movies. When I sat down, I received a text that said, "Turn around." It was her. FML
Today, the tenants I kicked out of the house I just bought took the entire garden and flowers with them. I was already listing the place as a rental with a "backyard oasis" and now it's nothing but dirt. The courts refuse to help me. FML
Today, my manager asked me to escort a VIP and make a fuss over her. Two hours I waited, calling my manager every 10 minutes to check in. He eventually told me he got the date wrong, she’s not coming until Thursday. He then docked my pay for the two hours I was “stood around doing nothing.” FML
Today, I've been waiting months for the release of the new Zelda game that I've waited YEARS for them to make. Go figure, I'm approaching 40, have committed to a fuck-ton of adult obligations, and now won't have any time to actually sit down and play it when it finally comes out. I don't even have kids! FML
Today, I met my new neighbor. His Wi-Fi access point is named "TheRapistDownstairs." FML
Today, my parents are being investigated because they beat my brother with a belt. He deserved it for getting drunk the night before we were supposed to go on a vacation, but nobody cares about that. I'm scared I might get taken away. FML
Today, I am in a relationship. I recently got out of a decade-long relationship and was looking forward to dating, looking around, and meeting new people. I managed 3 weeks on the apps before I had to choose one of those I met, or lose them all. I guess it's good to meet 3 great women in a short time, but… FML
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