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By Outletmadesimple - 26/2/2021 02:27 - United States - Fresno

Overrun

Today, my wife rushed out of the house, stated she had to hurry to Costco, asked me for money after talking shit to me. She left our house a mess while I’m working from home. When I called her to give her a list of things to pick up, she was cleaning her friends’s house and taking care of her friend’s kids. FML
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Outletmadesimple tells us more :
Sounds like you have a very low option of me. You don’t even know me and FML Limits the amount of characters in a post so there isn’t much room to be more descriptive. But I like that you asked questions. 1. I am the only one working and my wife spends a lot of money shopping. She has admitted she has an addiction and is working through it. But if all the money was available to her, our bills wouldn’t...
By Loveless - 18/2/2021 07:02

Valentine's let down

Today, I spent Valentine's Day with my crush. Not as a romantic thing, though. Instead, she invited me to spend the weekend at her house with her whole family for her sister's birthday party. Not the kind of invitation I had in mind, but thanks anyway. At least chocolate won't let me down. FML
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552
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Lunar-Spice tells us more :
Hey, OP here! So, to explain, I've been really good friends with this girl for a while. She came out to me about six months ago, and I, in turn, came out to her. We had been dancing around topics like relationships and crushes for a long time. We've kind of flirted in the past, especially during game nights when we would play Truth Or Dare with two other close friends. We don't choose each other's...
By Anonymous - 15/2/2021 21:21 - Canada - Kamloops

Deep Throat

  Today, after months of celibacy due to being utterly single in this pandemic, I finally got to look a man in the eyes while being deepthroated. Oh. I wasn't gagging on his penis, no no, it was on a Covid test swab. FML
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1180
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258
9 Comments
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kahaney tells us more :
Hey, OP here! Hahaha ,fortunately I had the choice to get the nasal or the throat swab and I chose throat! No deep nasal fucking here!
By IrialNiall - 8/2/2021 07:42

On the down-low

Today, I tried to quit my job of almost 6 years so I can date the man of my dreams, one of my bosses. When I gave my 3 weeks notice so they can try to replace me, they refused to accept it. My potential boyfriend won't see me anymore until I quit and can't tell my other managers why I need to quit. FML
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743
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1129
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IrialNiall tells us more :
I have another job lined up, no problem, and am already hired in. It made more sense for me to be the one to leave since I'm hourly and he's salary. I love my job, but I hate it at the same time, so it's a bit of both. He never asked me to leave though, I offered to be the one to go somewhere else. He's never struck me as controlling or anything like that before, and still doesn't now. But neither...
By Charlie529 - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - South Africa - New Germany

Musical interlude

Today, I had satanic gastric distress. Attempting to make light of this fact, and, being incredibly bored and seemingly alone at work, I managed to fart the intro to "Smoke on the Water" perfectly. Somebody clapped. FML
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Charlie529 tells us more :
My nick's misleading, but that is my name and I am a girl! Anyways. Thought I'd tell you all that I didn't get fired (O.o)/ However, I did have to give him (boss) an (exceptionally awkward) explanation because he thought I was watching funny youtube videos. He just keeps giving me the weirdest/funniest friggin' looks, and now uses the the keyword "Deep Purple" to get me to make him coffee....
By MariahJoy97 - 10/12/2020 21:17 - United States - Center Point

Hallucinations

Today, I've been awake for so long, I've started to hallucinate. I loudly screamed while sitting in the front row of my philosophy class of 200 students because I thought I saw the Tasmanian Devil zooming around the room. FML
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MariahJoy97 tells us more :
OP here. This actually happened a couple years ago. I was taking Adderall for ADHD and drinking an egregious amount of coffee. I would stay up for up to 6 days in a row on a regular basis because I was working almost full-time and taking 15 credits of heavy math and science classes and there was no time for sleep. I was going to school in LA and working on my undergrad degree in Biology. I moved back...
By WhataStrangeTripThisIs - 9/12/2020 14:53

Assumptions

Today, my fiancé and I both got fired from a job we desperately needed. Why? A friend had practiced sticking him for a phlebotomy class, so he had bandaids on his arms. I was nervous and shaky, as it was my first day. Apparently, this means that we are both IV drug users. FML
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WhataStrangeTripThisIs tells us more :
OP here. The job was at Subway, so they really don't care about firing and hiring people enough to follow up with a drug test. We both offered! I have a great PT job at a doctor's office, but really needed extra income because COVID hit us hard. I was really surprised that they just randomly fired both of us over an assumption! WTF. The manager is a recovered addict and said she knew the signs. Umm,...
By tipsyone - this FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff - Sweden - Malm?

TOO SOON

Today, at work, my crazy Christmas enthusiast colleague started decorating her office. I had to listen to Christmas songs for hours, but when I complained to others, they said I was just a mood-killer. I’m the only one whose office is close to hers. FML
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tipsyone tells us more :
OP here: this is not the first time she’s done this! I’ve talked about this two years ago and how I find it incredibly boring to listen to the same songs three months!! Of course the others don’t mind since they’re afraid of conflicts plus I’m the one with the office very close to hers!
By ChiefKoala - this FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Harriman

Booze 'em young

Today, whilst in church, my brother's Sunday school teacher asked him what he loved to drink, to which he replied, "Beer." We have no idea why he said that, and the church is still talking to my parents. FML
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20035
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ChiefKoala tells us more :
So actually, this is my FML, but i didn't know if it would let me do a follow up since I have a different user name. So now to tell the whole story. My brother was very young and my family isn't big on alcohol; the most they drink is during the holidays when they're with family. Anyway, The church basically exiled us because they thought we were all raging alcoholics. I just heard mom telling the story...
By caseyl - this FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff

Confused

Today, I was talking to a friend about the US presidential election and mentioned the UK. She got really confused and told me she'd always thought they were the same country. FML
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caseyl tells us more :
Finland. Can't blame the education, my friend is the kind that chooses to forget everything after passing the exams...
By fishyrael - 31/10/2020 11:04 - United States - East Lansing

Booze ain't for everyone

Today, I'm such a lightweight that after a single can of 3.2% alcohol, I was sobbing uncontrollably over the death of a fictional character, who wasn't even permanently dead. FML
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fishyrael tells us more :
OP here! I definitely found this funny pretty much as soon as I stopped crying, lol. I don't really drink both from low tolerance and disliking the taste, but I keep a box of Seagrams around for social drinking only since it's not very hard and you can't really taste the alcohol in it. It was a D&D session and another player's character died heroically trying to protect all of our characters and had...
By Madisson Tharp - 26/10/2020 11:42

Station 19 and a half

Today, while working on an ambulance, I got a call from my boss saying I’m fired for being sick too often. I cried in front of every patient for the last seven hours of my shift. FML
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Madisson Tharp tells us more :
Hey wow I didn’t know my FML was posted but I was in EMT school so the job I got fired from was a restaurant. I had worked for that company for almost five years and the times I called out I had actual doctors notes so I was a little devastated. But i work in a hospital now and make quadruple what I mass there so no worries now!! And yea, he was an asshole
By It_gets_better - 11/10/2020 23:55 - United States - Las Cruces

Thwarted

Today, I weigh the same as I did the day I gave birth six months ago. I'd been working out and finally making progress, until I fell off a horse and injured my hip. I can't work out for at least the next two weeks either. FML
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It_gets_better tells us more :
Oh wow, my FML finally got published! I know it takes some time to fully heal from the baby, it just hits me harder because both of my sisters had babies after me and they're both back into their nonmaternity wardrobe. So I am a little jealous that it took me a while to start making progress- and why it was such a bummer to move backward so fast. Really, I know I picked up bad habits during pregnancy...
By Bee - 2/10/2020 14:56

Here, there and everywhere

Today, I installed a pool in my house. Unfortunately, it was in my hallway. The floors are ruined all through my house, everything smells like mildew and no one is in a hurry to fix it because of Covid lockdowns. FML
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1088
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Briony Jayne tells us more :
OP here. I didn’t actually install a pool. I was running a bath and my baby started screaming, so I went to soothe him and forgot about the bath. I need to replace the floors all through my house!
By thefmlman2011 - 2/10/2020 22:55 - Australia - Warrnambool

Daydreaming

Today, I was driving home from an event on the coast. I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going, and before I realised what'd happened, I ended up 20 km out of a town that I don’t even live in. FML
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thefmlman2011 tells us more :
Hey everyone! I thought I’d update everyone. This event in particular happened back in November 2017, and what happened was, I’d made the trip from home to a suburb near where the event was happening on the Thursday prior to the weekend starting for set up on the Friday. On the Friday, I made the trip to the airport in the major city about an hour from where I was at to pick up a friend who was flying...
By m0r0n - 24/9/2020 01:17 - United States - Cleveland

Empathy

Today, I started crying at work because I talked to a patient who lost his wife. They were together for 64 years, I can't even get a guy to look at me for 64 seconds. FML
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m0r0n tells us more :
My first FML ever published, thank you! I did have extreme empathy for the patient, I held his hand and told him how sorry I was. I had recently been divorced after leaving a 17 year marriage, to an alcoholic, only to be diagnosed with breast cancer a few months after. I don't think I'm unattractive, I just seem to get the wrong kind of attraction. Fast forward, I am now cancer free and maybe someday...
By WhataStrangeTripThisIs - 18/9/2020 05:25

Stuck in traffic

Today, I'm still learning how to drive stick. I went to pick up my son from school and stalled out during high traffic. The crossing guard had to rescue me by getting in my car and pull it out of the flow of traffic. FML
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WhataStrangeTripThisIs tells us more :
OP here! I got the car as a Christmas present from my fiance. My previous car was totaled by an ex (intentionally, another FML) and I'm a poor single mom, so I didn't have much choice except to learn how to drive it asap or walk. I was doing fairly well, but was in a line of cars on a hill, with the car behind me a few inches off my bumper. The First and Reverse are right next to each other, and in...
By violentdreamer - 17/8/2020 18:15

I have to do is dream

Today, when sleeping next to my girlfriend, I had a nightmare that she was yelling incessantly at me, making my "dream self" more and more upset. Just as my dream-frustration peaked and I began waking up from the nightmare, I accidentally hit her in the arm and face. Now she won't talk to me. FML
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snappleb7 tells us more :
This is OP - I made an account just to clarify that I do not have REM behavior disorder, thanks.
By lukey101 - 27/7/2020 14:27

Hot and bothered

Today, I was running a minute late for a big meeting that I'd organised. I got so hot from running up a flight of stairs that I couldn’t pass the Covid temperature screening requirement, and had to sit down for 10 minutes to cool off. By the time I was cool enough, everyone had already left. FML
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lukey101 tells us more :
Wow! Just to fill you in, it was the first time in 15+ years of professional employment that I have been late to anything, no less a meeting that I had arranged. It was a Skype meeting which needed no set-up, and my prep work had already been done. I always set aside a few minutes for people who join slightly late, so it wouldn't have been a problem if I didn't run causing me to be over temperature....
By apeshit94 - 23/7/2020 08:03

Call of the wild

Today, my husband accused me of cheating. What was I doing? Outside smoking a cigarette and getting caught peeing outside by my neighbor, because I was too drunk to realize I wasn’t in my bathroom on the toilet. FML
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773
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apeshit94 tells us more :
Hi! OP here. Just to clarify I’m not an alcoholic. Thanks for worrying there. Actually I just drank too much a few months after my mother in law, 14 year old dog and Aunt passed away. Just trying to take the edge off, I way overdid it. And my husband is grieving as well so I don’t blame him for jumping to conclusions, as I was outside for two hours chain smoking.
By Anonymous - 5/7/2020 08:31

Mysterious disappointment

Today, I texted my mom and told her I'm pregnant and she responded with, "I can’t respond to this right now." So she and my dad are disappointed in me. None of my other siblings were married or even engaged before having their kids. I’m 23, engaged, and own my own house. I don’t see the problem. FML
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cheyennejocelyn tells us more :
This is my post, and my parents have never supported me in anything in life. They weren’t happy about my engagement, I knew they weren’t gonna be happy about my pregnancy, so to save to the argument I did it over text. I have since miscarried.
By katydid91 - 1/7/2020 05:51

Busted

Today, I realized that because of COVID-19, I can no longer cough to cover my farts at work. FML
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katydid91 tells us more :
OP here! I work in the healthcare field and am back at work. We have a no more than 3 coughing spells per hour rule in place, so a gassy day for me is a dangerous day.
By fishyrael - 16/5/2020 13:20

Costly kitty

Today, I bought $3 hair ties. I then spent the night at the emergency vet after my kitten managed to open the drawer and eat them. So today, I actually bought $1003 hair ties. FML
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fishyrael tells us more :
Anyone worried, she is fine. I took her in the second I realized what she'd done. They tried to induce vomiting but she's a stubborn little thing and wasn't even affected by the procedure so they ended up having to put her under and get the hair ties out with a grabber. No surgery thankfully. She was very sleepy and wobbly after but after a nap she was back to her old hellion self. I know I could've...
By Taurus_ChicKa - 13/5/2020 23:00

Get well soon

Today, it's my birthday. The day started with the cat waking me up at 4 a.m., going to work since I'm considered essential, then falling down the stairs while at work. I'm now limping with a bruised/swollen foot, I can't celebrate with my family because of COVID-19, and I just started my period. Happy birthday to me. FML
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Taurus_ChicKa tells us more :
Oh wow, this got posted! Awesome! Thank you so much, everyone. I am better now, and am so ready for this pandemic to end. My foot was black and blue for a few days, all the way to my toes, but fortunately no broken bones. I'm walking normal again and my bosses are insisting on paying the medical bills (even though it was my own clumsy fault). :)
By Anonymous - 6/4/2020 03:48

Alexa, play "Don't Stand So Close to Me" by The Police

Today, my boss forbade me from seeing my significant other until they relax the quarantine rules. We live in barracks on the same base. I'm terrified of accidentally running into her. FML
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1776
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192
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AdrianAmato tells us more :
They didn't tell me I can't have a relationship with her, just that we can't visit each other anymore (due to the tighter COVID restrictions) even though we live on the same base and people whose girlfriends live off-base can still visit their girlfriends.
By Kathleen Verswijvel - 16/3/2020 14:35

Bad timing

Today, it's been a while since I've been looking for a job. Too bad most companies are closing down and ordering people to work from home because of the Coronavirus. FML
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By wellonheels

Odorama

Today, at work in a clinic, I went in to clean a treatment room. For some reason, it smelled like rotten meat, which made me gag. I sprayed some air freshener. Now it smells like rotten meat and air freshener. FML
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wellonheels tells us more :
My first published FML! Yay! Sorry folks, no windows to open, and not enough air freshener at the time to use more on that one room. Sometimes, people just smell. Bad. And that was the case. I think the patient must have had meat juice on his clothes or something. Maybe he works for a butcher. I'll have to ask if he comes in again. In the meantime, I'm having the boss order more (industrial...
By Manic Mushroom

Clumsy

Today, I tipped my head back to take my nighttime meds and my birth control fell straight up my nose like it was aiming for a hole-in-one to my brain. I got it out, but now I have a migraine, awful sinus pain, and can feel a nose bleed coming on. FML
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Manic Mushroom tells us more :
Oh damn, my first submission got published!! 😂 As for putting them in my mouth and then taking a drink, first of all I take a good half a dozen pills at night and would still have to tip back to get them in my mouth. Second, I have fibro so my meds are restricted and coated with a bitterant to deter people taking them accidently. The taste is enough to make me gag, so I have to take a drink first so...
By howard1954

Text Wars

Today, I woke up feeling amazing. Upon looking at my phone, I saw a text from my boyfriend's ex, saying, "I'm sorry." Ten minutes later, I received a slew of angry text messages from my boyfriend, thanks to his ex. What an amazing day. FML
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howard1954 tells us more :
His ex is also the mother of his child. She has been wanting to go off on him for various reasons, which I told her was a bad idea, trying to keep the cool amongst all of us. But, my boyfriend told her he wanted the iPhone he bought for her a few years ago back, and she decided to tell him that I have been telling her various things about our personal life. This was not true, and she only said it to...
By Anonymous

Snakes and Ladders

Today, I got an e-mail at work about payroll cuts. After our annual cost of living raise two weeks ago, I make $0.30 more per hour, but with my hours getting cut, I'll make $80 less per paycheck. That's two weeks of groceries. I can't afford my vacation next week now either. FML.
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AlexF_1001 tells us more :
Hey my FML got published! First off, I'm a guy, so... that's weird. (They fixed it. Thank you!) Second, to those of you who took precious time out of your day to give me the brilliant idea to get another job... obviously. I've been applying like crazy for weeks already and hoping something will land. About the suggestion that I work overtime... what? No? Payroll cuts mean I can't even work my usual...
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Today I cried and left because my dad was saying my s/o of 7 years is shit and that he wanted to hurt him just because he didn't want to share an icecream...
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Today my folding table collapsed destroying one of my roommates favorite cups. A few days ago I already destroyed her favorite cup, now I have to explain...
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  Today, I wore leggings without underwear. When I got in the car after a busy shopping day, I realized that my pubes had poked through the fabric and my...
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  Today, I got home from work a few hours early to find my mum cheating, right in the middle of the act. So much for a nice afternoon off. FML
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