Today, my wife brought a puppy home; no biggie, we already have two dogs we love and cherish, but for some reason I seem to be violently allergic to this one. Unfortunately my wife seems more willing to let me suffocate to death than to rehome the puppy. FML
Today, I confronted and accused my mom for the murder of my beloved pet squirrel, whom I raised by hand since it was a pinkie. She denied the allegation by calling it an idiot for not being peaceful. She actually believed that if she locked him and her cat in a cage together overnight, they would come out as friends. FML
Today, I got home from work and discovered that my dog dug up my bunny who died a couple of weeks ago. The scream I screamed made the new neighbor think I'm crazy. FML
Today, a tiny puppy only a few weeks old came out of some bushes and chose me as her human. I took her home and left her with my wife while I went back out for flea shampoo, milk, and a bed. When I got home, my wife had already called a charity to pick her up, because, “We’re not dog people.” FML
Today, I took my dog to the groomer's and asked them to trim just a little fur and floof around his eyes. When I collected him, he looked completely different. Apparently, “just a little” means something different to everyone. I'm not even sure it's the same dog, he looks like a baffled rat. FML
Today, my new subletter moved in. Within 6 hours, one of my cats took a dump on her pants. I freaked out, lit some candles to hide the smell, and threw her pants in the washer. When the cycle was done, I found her cell phone at the bottom of the washing machine. FML
Today, the cat I rescued out of the rain unexpectedly gave birth under my couch. Realistically, I know there’s no way to keep six cats but every time I think about separating the babies from their mom and litter-mates, I sob uncontrollably to the point of hyperventilating. FML
Today, I got so distracted by trying to keep my cat from sticking her nose in the open oven door, that I grabbed the hot pan without an oven mitt. Now I can’t use my right hand. My cat’s nose is fine, though. FML
Today, my boyfriend was arrested and might go to prison because he shot the guy who tried to kidnap his dog. FML
Today, I realized that my dogs have been hosing my tomatoes with pee every time they go out. Not just the plants, the tomatoes I'd been eating all summer. FML
Today, I left the sliding glass door to our townhouse open because it was such a beautiful day. Our new puppy, whom we have been potty training, peed in the yard and I praised him relentlessly. He then walked inside the house, pooped on the carpet, and ran back outside. FML
Today, I was driving down a dark country road with the windows down. Suddenly, a giant barn owl flew through my side-window and smacked into my head, causing me to drive into a ditch. FML
Today, I witnessed the most horrifying thing I’d ever seen: my beloved 15 year-old cat having a seizure. The vet says she’s fine and is in remarkably good health for her age, but I don’t think I’ll ever get that image out of my head. FML
Today, while hiking in the mountains in North Carolina, I finally got to the deer I had been tracking for almost an hour. I was watching it from about 10 feet away, and enjoying every moment. Within a few seconds, my niece yelled from across the river to ask if I had found it. It ran away. FML
Today, do you know those stories of kittens running up to you in public and choosing you as their human, so you get them vet treatment, hand raise them yourself and they love you forever? Yeah, not with mine. He’s one year old now and a total asshole who bites me at least once a day. FML
Today, my baby goat was diagnosed with a liver shunt. There is no treatment, not even reasonable palliative care. She will be euthanized tomorrow and a necropsy will be performed to make sure. Her sire can no longer be used for breeding, either. FML
Today, I decided to bring down a very old fan from the attic. I plugged it in, and as soon as I turned it on, tiny spiders were blown all over my room. FML
Today, while I was cooking a cauliflower soup, I wanted to make sure my cat didn't lick my serving spoon, so I put some bergamot extract in the bowl where it was laying. I then proceeded to pour the soup into the bowl. Let's hope my bergamot extract is the edible variety. FML
Today, my stepdad is insisting that we either get rid of my dog or euthanize him because he bit me. FML
Today, I was driving home, it was 80 degrees out. Making a rare attempt to be eco-friendly, I turned off the A/C and lowered the windows. A bee then flew in through the window, hit my cheek, and stung me. That's what I get for attempting to be eco-friendly. FML
Today, I left my apartment in a hurry and noticed my neighbor's cat sitting outside my door. I assumed he had escaped, so I spent 15 minutes trying to coax him back upstairs. My neighbor eventually opened her door and said, “He's waiting for me to leave.” Apparently, he does this every morning. FML
Today, I caught one of my cats drinking my coffee again. Seems like I'll have to buy one of those mugs with a ceramic lid. FML
Today, my husband and I were are fighting for custody of MY two dogs. Then I found out in court that a year into our marriage, he ran one of them over with his car and then had to get a new matching one, and didn’t tell me. He said, “I paid for it so I should keep it.” FML
Today, after I foolishly agreed to look after my mom's cat while she went on holiday, I woke up with her on my chest, and she must've been making biscuits on me in her sleep for hours because one of my boobs looks like it had an infectious skin disease that I tried to cut off with a grinder. FML
Today, I took my dog to the vet and waited in the lobby while filling out a form. The receptionist asked for his name, so I wrote it down and handed it over. She looked at the form and asked, “Is that your name or his?” I'd accidentally written my own name. FML
Today, my mum has a rescue dog who grew up in a cage and, even after 18 months of love & stability, is still extremely loud and aggressive. So, bottom line, she ruined not only her own life, but also her partner’s, her cats’, mine, and the neighbours’, all so that ONE little arsehole canine can have a nice life. FML
Today, while at the beach, my little sister thought it would be cute to feed a small seagull some of her food. Minutes later a flock of seagulls swarmed and attacked me and my sandwich. FML
Today, my dog decided to poop while inside a revolving door. Before I could do anything, the door swung around and smeared it everywhere. My dog excels at timing. FML
Today, I just got the news that my mom wants to put down our dog because her back legs aren’t working well. I need someone to talk to. FML
Today, I was sitting in the park with my new dog; I got her from the pound last week. We were enjoying the sun when I noticed that every time a black person walked past, she'd bark like crazy. Great, my dog is a racist. FML
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