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Today, my husband dropped me off at work. Ten minutes later I got a text saying "I just dropped the b*tch off I'll be there in a few baby, miss you". I asked him about it. He said, "I don't know what you're talking about, Megan". My name isn't Megan. Not even close. FML

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By thatsucks - / Saturday 28 February 2009 11:10 / United Kingdom

Today, I saw an elderly man fall in a crosswalk, so I jumped off my bike to help. As I helped him across, the light turned green. I then watched across a 6 lane street as someone stole my bike. FML

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By Mick - / Friday 20 February 2009 08:29 / United States

Today, I took the bus to work. A sweet old lady got on after and sat next to me. Halfway there, she fell asleep, her head on my shoulder. I gently tried to wake her up before my stop. She wasn't sleeping. I let a dead woman lie on me for 30 minutes. FML

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By meteorbabe0101 - / Tuesday 14 April 2009 02:11 / United States

Today, I bit my boyfriend's neck. I felt something squirt into my mouth. Turns out I had just popped a pimple on his neck. Into my mouth. FML

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By KAAALIS - / Monday 16 March 2009 02:20 / United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. My name's not Brittany. That's his sister. FML

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By caroline - / Friday 6 February 2009 15:29 / United States

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Hello FMLers! Did you notice a change at the top of the page? The Blog tab was moved! And there's a new tab! The sky is falling!

Today, it's my 18th birthday. My parents got me a $5 gift certificate to iTunes. It came for free with the iPhone they just bought my sister for her middle school graduation. FML

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By happybirthday - / Tuesday 24 March 2009 21:15 / United States

Today, I texted my boyfriend saying "Hi." His response: "I got your best friend pregnant". FML

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By bittersweet / Sunday 8 February 2009 03:08 / United States

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

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By RC3Welly - / Monday 9 March 2009 22:58 / United States

Today, I texted my college boyfriend to tell him how terrible I felt about cheating. He replied saying he was so relieved because he had been cheating on me with a girl in his dorm. I was talking about my math exam. FML

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By gentileman - / Monday 16 March 2009 17:11 / United States

Today, my first girlfriend of over 3 years left me for another guy. She said she's looking for someone who can financially provide for her in the future. The dude owns a T-Mobile kiosk. I'm going to medical school. FML

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By thankskimi - / Sunday 15 March 2009 18:29 / United States

Today, my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of a potential business partner. When he began to type 'virginia' into google, it auto-completed his search with his recent search for 'virgin boy assholes'. I have to go on business trip with him tomorrow. I'm a young guy. FML

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You deserved it

By The Sbeak - / Friday 13 February 2009 15:54 / United States

Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room. She had my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML

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By misc - / Tuesday 10 February 2009 23:06 / United States

Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for a while, and I was very excited to tell him the news. When I opened his office planning to surprise him with the news, I saw him making out with a man. FML

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By soontobedivorced - / Sunday 19 April 2009 04:05 / United States

Today, at the dentist, I was getting my teeth cleaned. Looking up at his nose, I saw runny snot dripping onto his lip. I tried to slowly move away. He told me "Stop!" The movement of his lips caused the snot to fall right into my mouth. FML

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By Noname / Thursday 5 March 2009 19:44 / Canada

Today, I was getting sick of listening to the guy in the next room over getting nasty with some girl, so I called my girlfriend to see if she wanted to go get some food. Then I heard her phone ring. Through the wall. FML

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By Anonymous / Saturday 28 March 2009 20:18 / United States

Today, my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. After I told her 22 she quickly shouted, "Beat ya!" She's thirteen. FML

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By Noname - / Friday 6 March 2009 19:04 / United States

Today, my friend had to take my cat who has a tumor to be put down when I wasn't home since I couldn't bear to take him myself. I have two cats. He took the wrong one. FML

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catlady1989 Say more :

You people are so cruel. They were indentical except collar color. I said which one and he still messed up. My normal vet was closed because of Mothers day so the pound was the one to do it. I can't believe some of the things you people are saying... it is so hurtful... and both my cats did end up being put down...

By catlady1989 - / Sunday 10 May 2009 19:01 / United States

Today, my tampon string was hanging from my bathing suit. My boyfriend thought it was a thread hanging from my bikini bottom. He publicly pulled out my tampon. FML

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By rebekah - / Friday 3 April 2009 19:39 / United States

Today, I was rejected from the University of Washington. My dad has been a professor there for 30 years, and is on the board of admissions. FML

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By Noname - / Monday 16 March 2009 04:05 / United States

Today, my husband of 9 years announced he was gay. He insinuated that he was only able to achieve erections because I looked like a man. FML

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By jilted - / Saturday 21 March 2009 07:15 / United States

Today, my son said, "Mommy, sometimes my pee-pee goes up like a stick." I replied, "Well, honey, that's normal and okay." I then asked when it happens, to which he said, "Well, sometimes when watching Scooby Doo and Shaggy comes out dressed in lady clothes." FML

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By ScoobieDoo - / Friday 20 March 2009 04:15 / United States

Today, it's my birthday. I have gotten three calls all day. The first one was my fiancé, saying he wanted his ring back. The second one was my best friend, confessing to me that she had been sleeping with my fiancé for the past three months. The third was the dentist's office singing me a happy birthday. FML

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You deserved it

By Anonymous - / Thursday 14 May 2009 17:43 / United States

Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucks and got coffee. We talked for a while, and we were joking and having a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my stomach and said, "Soon, this will be plump with my seed." FML

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creepermagnet Say more :

Let me tell you the rest of the story: this actually happened a couple months ago, but I just discovered this site. First off, there was NO second date. My God. Right after he said that, I told him I wanted to go home (he had driven, and I didn't have a car or any way to get home). He then asked if I wanted to go to the woods so he could "do things to me." I told him no, going home...

By creepermagnet - / Monday 6 April 2009 19:39 / United States

Today, while I was out to eat, I was approached by the restaurant manager. He told me that while he respected my personal choices, his patrons didn't feel comfortable with someone who used to be a man using the women's restroom. He thought I was a transsexual. I am a naturally-born female. FML

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You deserved it

By Noname - / Wednesday 18 March 2009 01:24 / United States

Today, my fiancée broke up with me. Via a myspace message. While we were in the same apartment. FML

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You deserved it

By loser - / Sunday 1 March 2009 00:22 / United States

Today, my boyfriend of 17 months, the first guy to tell me he loves me, the guy I lost my virginity to, the only guy whose parents I've met, told me we should stop 'hooking up' because it's weird that I was telling everyone we were a couple and it was ruining his chances of finding a girlfriend. FML

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hannah321 Say more :

hi, i'm the girl who wrote this originally (i've since got an account so changed my name- maybe some people won't believe that but whatever) and i just want to say in response to some people that it was VERY clear on both sides that we were a couple, we were not friends with privileges.. also i am not a stalker, i just wanted to specify exactly how long we'd been together because it emphasises just...

By hannah - / Tuesday 14 April 2009 15:21 / United Kingdom