Relatable, the best funniest jokes

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Today, I got my first tattoo. I felt good about it, until I told my mom, who was not happy. She responded by taking me out of her car insurance policy, family plan, and charging me for rent every month since I, "wanna be all grown up now.” FML

By whyme - 16/5/2021 20:01

Economic abuse

603

445

Today, my mom walked in on me shaving the tops of my legs. She called me a freak, since apparently women aren’t even supposed to grow hair there. FML

By jessie - 15/5/2021 04:00

Different together

805

Today, I realized that my boyfriend‘s birthday was two weeks ago, so I immediately sent him a message as if it was today. He didn’t believe my excuses. FML

By Anonymous - 14/5/2021 12:59 - Colombia - Bogot?

How Soon is Now?

150

1472

Today, I announced to my boyfriend of 5 years that I was pregnant. He gave me an ultimatum. Either I "get rid of it" because he’s "not ready to be a dad" or he’ll "put me out on the streets." I’m unemployed and have nowhere to go if I keep it. FML

By Catherine - 13/5/2021 11:01

Nice guy

1129

284

Today, I think my boyfriend is having an affair. With Joe Rogan. Why? Every time I mention something, he basically replies, "Joe Rogan said…" For example: Vaccines? "Joe Rogan said yada yada yada." Weed? "A guest on Joe Rogan's podcast said…" And so on. I HATE YOU, ROGAN. FML

By Anonymous - 11/5/2021 22:01

Time for another podcast

685

171

Today, since my daughter refuses to eat any kind of soup whatsoever, I asked her "What are you gonna do when you’re on a date?" She replied with, "Uh...not order soup?" FML

By outsmarted by a 5/yo - 10/5/2021 04:00

Smart kid

182

1550

Today, I re-started the Grindr app several times because I wasn’t receiving notifications. Turns out it wasn’t malfunctioning, it was just that I didn’t get a single message. FML

By Anonymous - 9/5/2021 22:01

Find me someone to love

640

278

Today, I used a menstrual cup for the first time. I couldn't get it out, after what seemed like ages of trying. I had to ask my boyfriend to help me. He'll never look at me the same way again. FML

By Anonymous - 5/5/2021 15:01 - United States - Carson City

Corkscrew

882

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Today, I found myself being jealous of the relationship between Ethan Klein and Trisha Paytas on Frenemies. I need a life. I need real friends. FML

By Anonymous - 5/5/2021 17:01

Forever alone

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Today, according to my wife, our life together is perfect. The only problem is that I no longer turn her on, haven’t for a while, so she wants my permission to have meaningless one-night stands with strangers on Tinder while carrying on with our perfect, sexless married life together. FML

By Julian - 5/5/2021 02:01

Perfect

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Today, my mother is still insisting it must have been my fault that my husband beat me into a coma for 5 weeks, because he’s such a "nice boy from a good family" with a really successful career, so it must have been me who provoked him into it. She keeps trying to get us back together. FML

By Red curtains - 3/5/2021 11:01

Great support, mom

1868

Today, I had to admit that I'm polyamorous. Well, I'm in several relationships. Parasocial relationships. With YouTubers and Twitch streamers. I talk to them through the screen. I can't remember what it's like to have real-life friends. FML

By Lance from the Serfs is a snacc - 3/5/2021 00:30

Unhealthy relationship

325

897

Today, after my fiancé and I recently separated, their choice not mine, we decided to stay friends, and still live in the same house. Now I get the pleasure of listening to him flirt and have long conversations with some girl every night. FML

By Anonymous - 2/5/2021 15:30 - Australia

Stuck

458

828

Today, I admitted to my SO that I wanted to kill myself. They told me it was abusive to tell them that, and claimed I was just using it as a tool to control them. What they don't know is I attempted it by overdosing the other day. FML

By bloomrosalind8976 - 2/5/2021 16:59

Dark

1050

175

Today, I was at the dentist and got laughing gas to lessen the anxiety I get from the numbing shots. When I was good and "relaxed", an assistant leaned real close and said, "Open wide." I just stared back at her and widened my eyes. She had to clarify she was talking about my mouth. Duh. FML

By Anonymous - 1/5/2021 20:01

Brain fog

676

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Today, my uncle picked up a tissue box and threw it at my sister for fun. My sister got mad and yeeted the box at me. I reacted with the same action, but she lost her crap and kicked and punched me. When I reported the incident to my parents, I get berated and my sister got away with it. FML

By LieutenantDimwit - 30/4/2021 18:01 - Jordan

Teenagers…

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122

Today, my boyfriend said we needed to talk. He called me cruel, cold and heartless and that it’s making him reconsider what kind of future we may have together. All because I hate sappy movies and don’t cry on the scenes where the dogs die. FML

By confused - 30/4/2021 05:01 - United States

Mr. Robot

722

214

Today, after weeks of begging my boyfriend of almost two years to have sex with me, he told me to find someone else to fuck. FML

By theproblemboblem - 29/4/2021 14:00

Going well, isn't it

1168

217

Today, it’s been a week since my dad has decided I’m only allowed to sleep with my door open. Guess how long it’s been since I’ve slept. FML

By kikajsns - 29/4/2021 07:59

His house, his rules?

828

Today, my man complained about having to listen to my "emotional problems for hours." Yeah, we did talk for two hours, 90% of which was him asking for my advice on which new mattress to buy for his bed. FML

By Anonymous - 29/4/2021 05:01

My man

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Today, my mother-in-law had a bitch fit because I had a miscarriage and my husband and I are having a difficult time. It’s her birthday and she said I should, “stop being an attention-hogging drama queen” and that, “shit happens, get over it” She doesn’t see what's wrong with her statements. FML

By Vanessa - 28/4/2021 13:59

Classic narcissist

1243

Today, I found out my mom had been telling everyone how independent I was and just wanted to be left alone. I was homeless when I graduated valedictorian from high school and wondering why no one would let me stay with them, even when it was snowing. Now I know. FML

By Anonymous - 28/4/2021 00:30

Unwanted

1371

Today, I had some unexpected alone time for the first time in months and decided to *ahem* play with an adult toy. As things were getting close to the end, my cat jumped up on the bed, saw the movement under the blanket and immediately pounced on my downstairs, puncturing certain delicate areas with his claws. FML

By Anonymous - 19/4/2021 14:00

Alone time

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235

Today, I found out that not only does my sister consider Fox News "reliable" but her husband has been buying Trump merchandise. They owe me $1,900 but they're literally giving a millionaire money instead of me. FML

By Anonymous - 18/4/2021 20:00 - United States - Seaside

No, it's not a cult, not at all

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Today, during an argument between me and my boyfriend, he called for his mom. She came up and told us both off and told us to stop screaming, as if we were kids. We are both well over 30. FML

By Anonymous - 18/4/2021 23:01 - Slovenia - Ljubljana

Childlike

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1031

Today, my dad and I finally found something we have in common, after 12 years of barely talking with each other. We're both extremely suicidally depressed and we were both molested as kids. FML

By Anonymous - 18/4/2021 03:00 - Canada - Bedford

Making connections

1109

Today, I was complaining to my nana about why I can’t get a date. She proceeded to point out my appearance, lack of brains, abrasive personality, poor clothing choices, tacky tattoos, and so on. Thanks nana. FML

By Anonymous - 17/4/2021 08:00

Emotional support

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1058

Today, I started my first 3-day weekend in over a month after asking for one. I also start the neverending diarrhea and vomit spiral because my stomach can’t handle a little spice. So much for a relaxing 3-day weekend. FML

By Anonymous - 14/4/2021 08:00

Working for the weekend

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121

Today, I flushed the toilet while my boyfriend was showering. He responded by throwing a huge fit, saying how if he “gets a cold” from being “forced” to shower in cold water, I’m gonna “have to stay home and take care of him until he’s better.” FML

By Anonymous - 12/4/2021 00:30

Big Baby

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