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Tuesday 1 April 2014

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Today, my girlfriend and I were snuggling and we placed our hands together, palm to palm. I can bend the tips of my fingers over hers, which apparently surprised her because she commented, "Huh, so big hands AREN'T related to penis size." FML

by Anonymous / 04/01/2014 at 2:06am / United States (Oregon) / Intimacy

Today, I had to rush my 14-year-old son to the hospital after he fell out of a tree while trying to take an obnoxious "extreme selfie". FML

by derped-out sperm / 04/01/2014 at 5:41pm / Ireland / Kids

Today, I resorted to the oldest prank in the book: laxatives in the food. Except it wasn't for a prank, but just a desperate attempt to get my clingy boyfriend to leave me the hell alone. I think I'm going to hell. FML

by someone / 04/01/2014 at 3:21pm / United States (West Virginia) / Love

Today, a man asked me on a date. It's been so long, I accepted immediately. He began quoting what seemed like random numbers to me, and it took me a few minutes to work out what he meant. Not only was I mistaken for a prostitute, I'm also worth, at most, $60. FML

by that kind of girl / 04/01/2014 at 8:02pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, I have pink eye. Four weeks ago I had scabies. I'm an elementary school teacher, and I'm apparently under attack from biological weapons: my students. FML

by YellowKettleBell / 04/01/2014 at 10:21pm / United States (Texas) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, disappointed with my results on a mathematics test, I went over it and realized my teacher had added up the marks incorrectly, leaving me with 17% less than I earned. The person who's supposed to be teaching me math can't even perform basic arithmetic. FML

by Anonymous / 04/01/2014 at 1:07pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous