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July 2013

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Today, I finally convinced my mum to take me to a psychologist. As soon as he sat me down and asked me how I was doing, my mum burst into tears and went on a rant about how her life is terrible and she regrets everything. I was asked to sit in the waiting room. She used up my whole hour. FML

by :-( / 07/17/2013 at 1:22am / Australia (New South Wales) / Health

Today, while visiting my grandparents, I used one of their blankets to keep warm. Later, I saw their dog getting busy with said blanket. When my grandparents saw my look of horror, they explained that he has "sexual relations" with the blanket every night. Thanks for telling me, guys. FML

by Anonymous / 07/17/2013 at 7:56am / United States / Animals

Today, I placed an order at a fast food joint, when the elderly lady behind me cussed me out for ordering the same thing she wanted. She ranted that I was a "dirty thief", while everyone else glared at me as if I was holding up the line. What the fuck? FML

by dirtythief / 07/18/2013 at 12:01pm / Philippines (Batangas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was working the drive-through at McDonald's. I greeted a customer with a, "Hi, how are you doing today?" His response: "Better than you." FML

by Anonymous / 07/21/2013 at 12:15am / United States / Work

Today, I heard my mom sobbing in the bathroom. Concerned, I went in to see what was wrong. I found her sitting on the toilet, pants down and a cigarette between her fingers. When I asked what was going on, she looked up at me and slurred that we'd run out of "shit-wipes." FML

by trailertrashyanditsucks / 07/26/2013 at 3:55pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was preparing a customer's meal in my restaurant's kitchen, when I choked on my own saliva and went into a coughing fit. The head chef, who's always hated my guts, accused me of trying to hock a loogie into the meal and fired me on the spot. FML

by fuckthisandfuckthatandfuckyoutoo / 07/28/2013 at 12:23pm / United States / Work

Today, I jokingly told my friend that when a tree seems to sway in the wind, it's really just having an orgasm. Not only did she believe me, she's been smugly informing everyone we know. She's 26. I seem to be friends with an absolute idiot. FML

by what have i done with my life / 07/21/2013 at 1:46pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was reading a newspaper at a bus stop when a creepy guy rested his chin on my shoulder and said, "I miss the good old days, when people would read newspapers together and it wasn't classed as weird." Then he walked away. FML

by help / 07/09/2013 at 4:57pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Geek

Today, I went camping with my family. While I was using the shower house, my sister decided it'd be hilarious to run off with my clothes and towel. I ran back to the camper, completely naked, only for my parents to bitch me out for streaking. FML

by Anonymous / 07/25/2013 at 4:33pm / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at a music festival, and my mum had told me not to to drink. Someone threw a cup of beer at me, and I was worried about smelling of alcohol. It's okay though, because a second cup of urine took the alcohol smell right away. FML

by Festivaler / 07/13/2013 at 3:14am / United Kingdom (Edinburgh, City of) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was told that I have to apply to keep the job that I've held for the past two years. There are so many other applicants that it's basically a free-for-all. FML

by TheStressComesFree / 07/31/2013 at 12:47pm / Canada (Alberta) / Work

Today, I got lost, and eventually noticed that I'd passed by the same house a few times. Apparently somebody who lives on that street noticed as well, because the next time I passed by, the police were waiting for me. FML

by Anonymous / 07/12/2013 at 12:36am / United States (Louisiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, my friend set up a profile for me on an adult dating site as a surprise. It was a surprise alright. The picture he set as my avatar was one of me stark naked, which I sent to my ex shortly before he dumped me. FML

by .............. / 07/20/2013 at 1:43pm / Germany (Saarland) / Miscellaneous