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Today, I walked into the kitchen at 5 am, to have my 7 and 9 year olds throw a bucket of water on me. To their surprise and horror, I didn't melt. FML

by Nickki / 10/14/2012 at 10:57am / United States / Kids

Today, at work, due to a mix up, I had to call an answering service. I am also from an answering service. We got the problem fixed but I couldn't hang up due to company policy. She couldn't hang up either. We both had to get our supervisors for permission to hang up. FML

by ring-a-ding-ding / 12/06/2014 at 12:18am / United States (Nevada) / Work

Today, I lost my virginity. The most memorable aspect of it wasn't the fact that my boyfriend finished after two thrusts, but rather the fact that he first said, "The pilot has entered the cockpit." FML

by henhouse / 07/18/2015 at 7:09am / Australia (Victoria) / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me telling me I have problems communicating and that I didn't understand her. When I asked her why she didn't talk to me about this before she said "I didn't want to talk about it." FML

by Anonymous / 06/18/2009 at 3:24am / United States (Ohio) / Love

Today, I had a basketball game against our rivals. Since the starting guard had a broken ankle, I felt happy that I could finally get playing time and prove that I'm good. Instead I had to run the scoreboard for the game, because the scoreboard guy was absent. FML

by Benchthewarmer / 07/08/2009 at 1:49am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend decided to break up with me because she found a bra in my cupboard. It was hers. FML

by Wronged / 09/21/2009 at 6:53am / Singapore / Love

Today, I found out via Facebook status that my boyfriend is going to Hawaii with a group of friends, including his ex-girlfriend for a few weeks. When I confronted him about it, he said he didn't think I needed to know, and to mind my own business. I think I'm about to be single. FML

by angry girlfriend / 05/22/2012 at 10:32am / Canada (Quebec) / Love

Today, my husband and I were at the mall, and decided to have a snack at the food court. As we ate, an obese woman squeezed past our table, butt facing us. Just when her ass-cheeks slid past our heads, she let out a horrific fart that my father would be proud of. FML

by whipplewhip / 06/30/2013 at 12:21am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I dragged myself to work, suffering from a bad cold. My boss quietly told me to go home and rest, to avoid spreading it around the office. I thought it odd since he dislikes me so much, but I did as he said. He called later in the day to suspend me for leaving work early. FML

by Nick / 08/06/2013 at 10:44am / Australia (New South Wales) / Work

Today, I was fired for not asking a senior citizen for proof that he was over 21 and legally allowed to purchase alcohol. When I told my manager he was clearly over 21, he replied, "But what if he WASN'T?" FML

by Anonymous / 05/19/2015 at 7:43am / United States (California) / Work

Today, I'm a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. On new years, my mom called and asked what kind of champagne I want. FML

by / 01/01/2009 at 10:38am / Health

Today, after finally giving up on the search for my lost dog, I realized that my neighbors had found her and are convinced that she was a stray. They won't give her up and are now mad at me for trying to take my own dog back. FML

by englishtrio / 04/18/2009 at 2:45am / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, I found out that since there are 3 people with the same name as me at work, I'm known as "the ugly one". FML

by anonymous / 11/28/2013 at 6:41am / Canada (Ontario) / Work