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Tuesday 3 December 2013

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, my elderly neighbor along with our community church's priest came to my house and demanded to "give them the girl". The girl is my 3-year-old daughter, who has natural born red irises and is photo-sensitive. And yes, we are also Romanian. FML

#20985281
227 comments

I agree, your life sucks (56412) - you deserved it (3176)

On 12/08/2013 at 5:07pm - kids - by OakStake (man) - United States (New York)

Today, I was chatting with my mother. She was telling me about some new mouthwash she recently got, and the moment the word "gargle" escaped her lips, my husband muttered just a little too loudly from the kitchen, "How about gargling my balls instead, bitch." Our family is now at war. FML

#20985190
127 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48931) - you deserved it (5411)

On 12/08/2013 at 3:39pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States

Today, at my job as a night janitor, at which I work alone, I saw an old man enter a bathroom. When I went to investigate, it was completely empty. I'm now scared to work. FML

#20987406
153 comments

I agree, your life sucks (56583) - you deserved it (3633)

On 12/10/2013 at 4:50am - work - by scared shitless (man) - United States (California)

Today, my boyfriend's idea of foreplay was to offer to make lunch, leave the room for a few minutes, then come back with no clothes on and offer me a "cockmeat sandwich". FML

#20982904
142 comments

I agree, your life sucks (52141) - you deserved it (8514)

On 12/06/2013 at 3:23pm - intimacy - by fuckadaisical (woman) - United Kingdom (Rhondda Cynon Taff)

Today, I was having it off with my boyfriend when all of a sudden he stops, grabs my breasts with both hands, makes circular motions with them, and yells, "Daniel-san! Wax on! Wax off! Wax on! Wax off!", killing my orgasm dead. FML

#20981063
88 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48731) - you deserved it (6040)

On 12/04/2013 at 10:19pm - intimacy - by KarateKid76 (woman) - Australia (Victoria)

Today, my girlfriend wants to make a video of us having sex for us to watch later and figure out how to improve our skills in bed. The problem is her choice of cameraman: her uncle. FML

#20978171
204 comments

Today, my wife made me a Sex Rewards Chart, where I get points by doing chores and such, and 50 points gets me some action. She refuses to even look at me if I haven't earned the points, and is contemplating sleeping alone in the guest room until I earn more points. FML

#20983710
401 comments

I agree, your life sucks (62730) - you deserved it (19633)

On 12/07/2013 at 9:55am - intimacy - by feiedbutter - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I woke up in my hospital bed after having knee surgery, on the wrong knee. FML

#20986378
225 comments

I agree, your life sucks (70015) - you deserved it (3838)

On 12/09/2013 at 2:17pm - health - by knee pain - United States

Today, I found out that I take long enough showers for my boyfriend to sleep with my sister and put everything back to normal before I get out. I found out when I needed more shampoo that was in a shopping bag in my room. FML

#20984084
125 comments

I agree, your life sucks (65336) - you deserved it (5421)

On 12/07/2013 at 4:55pm - intimacy - by mystery - United States (North Dakota)

Today, my boyfriend and I took a nap, fully clothed. I woke up to him panicking. He'd had a wet dream and was scared that his sperm somehow swam through several layers of clothing and got me pregnant. FML

#20982965
113 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51338) - you deserved it (5343)

On 12/06/2013 at 4:37pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (New Mexico)

Today, my wicked mother has been with us for a week. She's already thrown away my daughter's favorite toy, broke my computer, scratched my oak table, stained my most expensive shirt, peed in our bed, and called the attention of the cops by staring at kids in school. She's staying for three months. FML

Today, as a pickup line, a guy said to me, "Yo, can I kiss your vag' under the mistletoe?" FML

#20985559
116 comments

I agree, your life sucks (52222) - you deserved it (4943)

On 12/08/2013 at 9:21pm - intimacy - by mistletoe (woman) - United States (Florida)

Today, I woke up and coughed up the spider I thought I'd killed last night. FML

#20986479
129 comments

I agree, your life sucks (59150) - you deserved it (5050)

On 12/09/2013 at 4:01pm - misc - by igotpride - United States



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