Love: Today, I asked a girl in my building out. She said yes, and told... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 103

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 435

You deserved it 54

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 518

You deserved it 142

01/10/2012 23:15

Today, I asked a girl in my building out. She said yes, and told me her fee per hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 225

You deserved it 2 743

Dysfunctional

Broken heart

Mama's boy

Every day I'm hustlin'

By Allen - This fml is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff

Today, I brought home a vase, which I was proud of, that I made for my mother in my pottery class. My mother took one look at it and said, "Oh good, you can sell that in our garage sale." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 274

You deserved it 3 237

30/04/2015 03:31

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me, all because he thought I was a communist, a sinner, and a terrorist, simply because I think the gay rights are OK, because I agree with some feminists, and because I got blonde highlights in my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 779

You deserved it 6 451

20/04/2016 20:03

Spicy

Today, my wife and I were Skyping, when she decided to put on a "show" for me. Seconds before she was about to climax, we lost internet connection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 755

You deserved it 2 512

29/07/2016 22:53

Today, I slipped money into my mother's purse after she refused to let me pay for lunch. She caught me in the act and thought I was stealing money from her instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 277

You deserved it 2 039

06/08/2013 04:01

Today, I woke up at 6am and went into the kitchen, where I saw a mouse in front of the fridge. Petrified, I stood in the doorway shooing it for a few minutes. My husband then walked into the kitchen, picked up the "mouse", and threw it in the bin. It was a used tea bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 262

You deserved it 19 700

01/10/2018 13:30

Today, I bought a 3 lb bag of pears. The first two bites were delicious! The third bite revealed a worm and its thousands of eggs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 448

You deserved it 201

Fair Warning

By TheNoseKnows - 16/02/2017 14:00

Spicy

Today, while sitting in a bar, I offered to buy the drunk chick sitting next to me a drink. She was a lot more inebriated than I thought, because she looked at me with bloodshot eyes and cheerfully responded, "There's a rotten smell in my vagina!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 705

You deserved it 2 482

25/02/2011 01:56

Today, I went to see my banker. As we were finishing everything up, I leaned forward to sign something. As I went back to sit down, my 2 year old pulled the chair out from under me, and I crashed down to the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 274

You deserved it 5 678

06/02/2012 02:14

Today, a train hit me. A slow mini-train full of kindergartners who were on a tour of the museum I was visiting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 452

You deserved it 6 358

Time just flies by

By Oliver Beck - 17/10/2020 08:03

Today, I found out the girl I like is in love with someone else. Five weeks ago, she told me she's never been in love. FML

I agree, your life sucks 857

You deserved it 154

21/10/2009 23:21

Today, I texted my brother saying, "Always remember I love you! Never forget it!" to which he replied, "You better not be doing drugs." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 951

You deserved it 9 729

25/11/2016 13:45

Today, a customer threw a bottle of milk at me because we'd moved our smoke counter 6 months earlier during our renovations. Moved it five metres to the right that is. He marched out of the store, then marched back, grabbed the milk from my hands, threw $5 at me and then left again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 181

You deserved it 579

20/03/2015 16:56

Spicy

Today, I had to take a dump at work. I walked into the bathroom and opened a stall, only to find what I can only describe as a fecal crime scene. It was like a turd had exploded mid-air. It was so vile, my anxiety kicked in and I broke down into a sobbing panic attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 283

You deserved it 3 599

Heavy load

By Anon - 18/12/2019 14:00

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend told me that when I orgasm, I sound like I'm choking. Only I'm not choking, I'm just getting the wind knocked out of me by his weight when he is on top. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 112

You deserved it 368

23/11/2018 09:30

Today, my dad took away my Xbox because "You never do anything active." I had just run a 5K. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 858

You deserved it 228

Denial

By Anonymous - 01/12/2013 06:02

Today, during a job interview, I was offered a sandwich. I politely declined, explaining that I'm a coeliac and would probably get very sick. He said coeliac disease "isn't real" and that gluten-free eating is just a fad. I had to leave when he kept pushing me to accept it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 691

You deserved it 3 897

21/11/2008 07:23

Spicy

Today, my 14-year-old little sister asked me how I felt when I had my first sexual intercourse. I told her it was personal and was none of her business. She then looked at me and said "I thought it was nice". I'm 19 and I'm still a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 174

You deserved it 6 424

02/09/2009 11:00

Today, I went to the dentist to get a hole in my tooth filled. After the dentist had injected the anesthetic into my gums, she realized that none of the electrical equipment were working. She sent me home. My entire right side of my face is completely numb and swollen for no reason. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 083

You deserved it 3 011

12/05/2012 04:24

Spicy

Today, I took a picture in front of my bathroom mirror and posted it on Facebook. When I checked it later, it had 20 comments on the picture. I was feeling good until I read the comments and looked at the picture again. I left my vibrator on the the bathroom counter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 489

You deserved it 64 454

18/09/2009 11:08

Today, I was at work, finishing a presentation for my boss. Five minutes after I presented it to him, his boss walked in and asked for the same presentation I had just given. My boss presented it. His boss then turned to me and asked me "what use are you around here?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 508

You deserved it 2 862

23/11/2010 17:35

Today, my grandma walked into my room and asked if the thing lying on my nightstand was a computer. I said ''Grandma, that's a clock.'' After staring at me, confused for a few seconds, she then farted, and left my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 938

You deserved it 5 950

Cones

By Blinkin - 08/09/2021 02:00

Today, I recently woke up colourblind and so far no doctor or surgeon can tell me why. I'm a graphic designer, I went to university and put years of practise into this specific skill set, I need to see in colour or this could cost me my job and ruin my career prospects. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 422

You deserved it 50

30/09/2016 05:53

Today, I found out my brand new $3,000 mattress that is supposed to relieve my back pain works amazingly. I only discovered this because my wife, son, daughter, dog, and two cats are all asleep on it and not waking up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 777

You deserved it 1 008

25/07/2012 01:37

Today, a customer punched me in the face for repeating their order back to them because they thought I was making fun of their speech impediment. I have the same speech impediment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 340

You deserved it 2 249

Such a weird move either way

By 1337fade - 07/04/2011 05:19

Spicy

Today, my wife figured that a good foreplay move would be to rub MY underwear in MY face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 152

You deserved it 9 704

My family

By Anonymous - 07/01/2020 14:00

Today, I had to listen for over 10 minutes as my brother and grandmother discussed how much they hate me. They thought I was asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 328

You deserved it 309

11/12/2014 16:10

Today, I wore what I thought was a hideous sweater from the thrift store for an ugly sweater contest. I've gotten more compliments on it than anything else I've ever worn. I can't even succeed at failure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 485

You deserved it 3 875

27/05/2011 02:39

Today, I saw a firework show. In my kitchen. When my stove blew up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 018

You deserved it 4 426

13/05/2017 16:00

Today, I found out I will be without a car for two weeks because my mother volunteered to let my grandparents use mine while theirs is being repaired. They've been in 4 accidents over the last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 882

You deserved it 398

Help yourself

By danielle1575 - 24/06/2021 04:01

Today, my older, pill-addicted brother, came over to visit with me. After he left, I realized all my Vicodin was gone. I got my wisdom teeth removed two hours ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 980

You deserved it 208

30/03/2017 00:00

Today, my cat looked like it was about to puke, so I put it outside. Unhappy with the situation, it leaped on to the kitchen window ledge and squeezed in through the open window, only to projectile vomit mid-leap all over the kitchen counter. I found a hairball in the butter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 331

You deserved it 724

08/07/2016 06:00

Today, it has been my lifelong dream to work with animals. My dream sorta came true. I now work at the slaughterhouse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 170

You deserved it 1 987

19/04/2011 15:06

Today, I was taking a crap in a public stall when three kids broke down the door and pelted me with eggs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 058

You deserved it 6 163

08/06/2017 16:00

Today, and for the past month, I've been feeling lightheaded from a breathing problem. I've now been prescribed a medication to help with my anxiety and my breathing issue, which would in turn help stop me from getting so lightheaded. The side effect of said medication: lightheadedness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 807

You deserved it 282

05/11/2011 11:06

Today, during my friend's group's science project presentation, the teacher yelled at me, "Stop making stupid faces at the presenters!" I was smiling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 199

You deserved it 3 878

27/03/2016 12:27

Today, my drunk dad told me I'm smart enough that any guy could overlook the fact that I'm fat, but not smart enough that they could overlook how ugly I am. Gee, thanks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 424

You deserved it 1 853

Dried out

By Anonymous - 20/12/2020 20:01

Today, after spending $300 replacing a dryer and getting the vents cleaned out when our tenants complained their clothes weren't getting dry, my husband and I realized that it was actually the washing machine that was broken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 680

You deserved it 235

15/01/2013 12:14

Today, after working the midnight shift at my job, I thought it would be nice to leave a sweet love note along with my boyfriend's favourite candy in his car. Upon finding it, he immediately broke up with me for "breaking into" his car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 641

You deserved it 5 301

04/03/2013 08:02

Today, I woke up to find that my parents had replaced my regular alarm clock with a walking one that requires you to get up and find it. The alarm was set to 5:00AM, which would have been fine if it wasn't the weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 151

You deserved it 3 871

08/03/2009 23:40

Spicy

Today, I was walking down the street when I passed a construction site. All of the workers started making a fuss and whistling, etc. Naturally, I got very flustered. I stood still for a second and faced them. One yelled for me to move because I was in the way of a girl at a stop light. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 862

You deserved it 14 190

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Top comments

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 9:06

That was her clever way of saying "no". Take the hint.

BeaterOfTheDrums 15

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 9:10

You know how books at a library have a card in it to tell how many people have checked it out? She's the kind of book that comes with 3 of those cards.

Comments

meagy 6

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 9:02

I think you're dating a prostitute.

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 9:15

Never said they were dating did he? If he was smart he cleared out.

wellfuuucckme 7

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 10:27

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

MormonPornstar 7

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 10:39

Or just finish before the hour is up. We all know you don't last THAT long

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 17:32

Allow me to translate for 27. If she wants you to pay for sexual intercourse, politely tell her that you aren't interested.

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 18:59

Well it is Rhode Island... $5 peep shows at the Amazing Superstore

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 19:56

I'll give you

Send a private message

Tuesday 2 October 2012 19:58

15- I'll give you $50 for a Cleveland steamer

mikeofthunder 13

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 9:02

As long as it's a reasonable price, that's a win, dude.

calilovesneb 12

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 9:25

What are you, desperate? Women should never resort to selling their bodies to make money.

mikeofthunder 13

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 9:31

No but I was joking. I'm as against prostitution as you are

mikeofthunder 13

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 9:31

No but I was joking. I'm as against prostitution as you are

laden_swallow09 34

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 15:03

If you said "NOT!" at the end, then maaaaaybe you wouldn't have gotten so many negative votes. You may have even gotten in the black. In this case, however, you just sounded like one of those YOLO morons.

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 22:26

You fell victim to a double standard

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Friday 15 November 2013 21:50

@15 if a woman chooses to sell her body that is none of your business. She can choose whatever lifestyle she pleases. ^_^

beccaishereyay 11

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 9:05

Good price?

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 9:22

Depends if she offers package deals.

beccaishereyay 11

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 9:53

Who doesn't

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 15:07

4- Only 3 easy payments of $13.33.

BeaterOfTheDrums 15

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Wednesday 3 October 2012 0:21

But wait! There's more!

rin142 12

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Wednesday 3 October 2012 2:46

She has herpes too?! :O

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 16:04

Well look on the bright side.... It's definitely a "sure" thing! At least you know that there will be a happy ending. Lol

poetrywriter12 6

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 9:05

Escort? Maybe live will blossom... XD

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 9:06

That was her clever way of saying "no". Take the hint.

onlychildFTW 33

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 9:29

Never pay from a girl/guy. You don't know what's been in their pants and from whom it's cum from.

wellfuuucckme 7

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 10:25

i see what you did there ;)

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 10:41

You seem to have a way with understanding the ways of social conventions.. You don't stay in much. Do you?

perdix 29

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 11:30

#6, I thought it was her straightforward way of saying, "I don't find you attractive enough to give it away for free, but if there's money involved, you'll do."

BeaterOfTheDrums 15

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 9:10

You know how books at a library have a card in it to tell how many people have checked it out? She's the kind of book that comes with 3 of those cards.

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 9:19

And some pages sticking together :)

chippa 24

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 9:21

#11, I just puked a little...

Drigr 9

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 9:49

That you only touch with a rubber glove...

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 10:36

And it glows under black light.

DatRealAssTruth 3

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 14:32

Good one lol

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Wednesday 3 October 2012 0:43

And the back and front covers are a little worn out.

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 9:11

Well,you don't pay them for sex. You pay them to leave after you're done! Lol.

chippa 24

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 9:12

What an ego-boosting perspective!

BoratSagdiyev 2

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Wednesday 3 October 2012 4:27

Hi Five!

borkchop1992 15

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 9:20

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

laden_swallow09 34

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 15:07

If it gets to be that bad for you to the point where you say "Doesn't matter how you do it as long as you get laid,' you definitely need to reconsider your priorities.

Send a private message

Tuesday 2 October 2012 9:35

Look on the bright side, if you ever get desperate you know where your booty call is at!

perdix 29

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 9:38

Pay it! If she can make a living doing it, she must be damn good at it. This is one of those times that premature ejaculation has its advantages. It saves you $$$! If she rounds up to the nearest hour, be prepared for a 58-minute explanation of why that has never happened to you before.

PleaseStayChill 9

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 10:22

People also pay for blow-up dolls. They don't have to be good at it, people just like to put their penis in things.

perdix 29

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 10:58

Blow-up dolls are one-time purchases, successful whores rely on repeat business, so the quality of their servixes is constantly under screwtiny.

PleaseStayChill 9

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 16:49

"Screwtiny"? Is that a pun because we're talking about prostitutes? Good one Perdix. You are the master. But you make a valid point. Scrutiny is bad for business, so she must be either great at her job or really cheap.

PleaseStayChill 9

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 16:57

"quality of their Servixes is constantly under screwtiny"... Either you were really tired while writing that, a complete retard, or a comical genius. I'm guessing all three? Probably mostly the last.

tehaustiebear 34

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Wednesday 3 October 2012 1:40

Perdix was talking about her cervix, or "servix" if you will. It was not in any way retarded.