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Thursday 11 April 2013

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Today, I was on hold with the cable company for an hour. When I finally got someone, I walked into the kitchen to where it was quiet and slid across the floor, falling on my butt and losing my connection on the phone. My 2-year-old son had sprayed the floor with nonstick cooking spray. FML

Today, my laziness hit a new low when I sat on an unopened folding chair to avoid the effort of opening it up. FML

by mets300 / 04/13/2013 at 7:22am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, it's my birthday. My family put a bouquet of balloons outside my room for me to find when I woke up. I walked out of my room, saw the balloons, screamed, and fell down the stairs. FML

by really? / 04/13/2013 at 5:21am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex; I know that some women are great multitaskers, but I'm guessing it was a bad sign when she started to go over the shopping list. FML

by Fml / 04/12/2013 at 1:05am / United States (Massachusetts) / Intimacy

Today, I admitted to my parents that I'm a pathological liar and I would like to go get help. They didn't believe me, and told me stop making stuff up. FML

Today, my boyfriend said he felt like eating icing. So I baked him cupcakes, put icing on them and decorated them. When I handed them to him, he picked off the decoration, licked the icing and handed the cupcake back to me, saying, "I told you that's all I wanted." FML

by Cupcakes / 04/15/2013 at 1:11am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, my 25 year old brother dumped all my underwear into the fireplace for interrupting him while he was playing WoW. FML

by Kutakito / 04/15/2013 at 4:18pm / Sweden (Stockholms Lan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had a job interview. Everything was going well until I noticed a picture of a dog hanging on the wall, which reminded me of the ending of Marley and Me. I started crying and had to be escorted out. FML

by crybaby / 04/12/2013 at 1:58am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I grabbed a pair of pants from the dryer in a hurry, trying to make it to the bank. When I rushed in, I felt something fall down my leg. It was a pair of my mom's granny panties that had been stuck inside my jeans. I kicked them aside, hoping no one would notice. They did. FML

by pantydropper / 04/17/2013 at 3:01pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I found a pound of cooked bacon in the dryer. When I asked my roommate about it, he confessed; his excuse was that he wanted to dry up the grease before eating it. FML

Today, my racist, homophobic, generally degenerate grandmother visited. Within 20 minutes, she uttered multiple racial slurs, said Robert Downey Jr. will burn in hell for playing a black man in one of his movies, and yelled that she'd "whip the piss" out of me, after I asked her to leave. FML

by no tea parties here, gran / 04/11/2013 at 1:16pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I noticed a stray string on a seam of my pants. I started absentmindedly pulling at it thinking maybe I could pull it off. Five minutes later, I realized it looked like I was fiddling with my crotch in the middle of Starbucks. FML

by WearingSomethingStringy / 04/09/2013 at 8:02pm / United States (Rhode Island) / Miscellaneous

Today, my husband and I announced our upcoming divorce. My friends told me how sorry they were and that they're available for whatever I need. His friends told him to just call the girl from last weekend and get himself laid again. FML

by a / 04/10/2013 at 3:09pm / United States / Love