Anonymous
United States
Today, my cousin taught me how to make dinner. My cousin is in first grade and I'm in college. FML
The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs
howdoesthatmakesense
San Francisco, United States 🌶️ Spicy
Today, we were doing research on contraceptives in class. Afterwards, the girl next to me starts explaining how "cringey" and "grossed out" she gets when she sees/hears "the words for the private parts." She then tells me all about her getting her period that morning in explicit detail. FML
ChrissySoltys
Canada
Today, I realized that the black leggings I wear quite often become see-through when I bend over. I have been showing the world my ass as well as my thong for over a month now. FML
tadam
France 🌶️ Spicy
Today, to my delight I discover that there is security camera in the storage room at my work. The same room where, two days ago I masturbated. FML
northernlass
United States
I am the passenger…
Today, I boarded a trans-Atlantic flight by myself, and struck up a nice conversation with the passenger across the aisle. Before we even took off, the man in front of me unbuckled, stood to face me, and asked me to please shut the hell up. "It's a 9 hour flight, and you're VERY loud!" FML
Anonymous
United States
Today, my family and I went over to our new neighbors' house, to sing a carol and say hello. The only response we got was a door slammed in our faces. FML
polemania
United States
Today, I had an employee come in 20 minutes late with the excuse, "There's a Pokemon gym across the street!" FML
Anonymous
Today, two people came up to me at school, asking if I'd sell them some of my Adderall. I only just transferred here and have never mentioned my ADHD or the Adderall I take for it to anyone. FML
leftout
United States
Congratulations!
Today, I was one of five people called up to the front in class to receive a special notice from the school administration. The first four people received awards for outstanding effort in school. Mine was a notice that I had overdue library fines. FML
Noname
United Kingdom 🌶️ Spicy
Today, I was just taking a wank with my laptop on low battery. Almost finished when my laptop died. FML
HellCat44
Dartford, United Kingdom
Today, my dad is obsessed with making sure that I am not in any way 'bare' in front of the windows of our house. Which is surrounded by tall trees, five metres worth of tall trees. I'm not sure whether to be creeped out that someone might see me or that my dad is unhealthily obsessed about this. FML
HellCat44 tells us more.
HellCat44 17
OP, here. Once, I got out of the shower and wrapped myself in a towel. It was hot so I cracked a window to let in fresh air. Somehow that was indecent and I got yelled at, and he's been on my case ever since.
sheldon103
Dayton, United States
Today, not thinking and being pissed off, I threw my phone in the car, making a decent sized crack in the windshield. FML
sheldon103 tells us more.
kasai_x0x
Canada
Today, I found out what cat food tastes like mixed with mayo, hot sauce, and between two perfectly toasted pieces of rye bread. My cat found out what tuna tastes like instead of her normal food. FML
:(((
This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff
United States
Bowl cut
Today, I learned it's best not to piss off your mom when she's cutting your hair. FML
C8H18
United States
Today my neighbor's asked me to feed their two horses while they go on vacation for a month. I happily agreed. As they were getting in the car to drive off, they added, "Oh, and water the plants!" They have six acres. FML
C8H18 tells us more.
C8H18 33
OP here. here's more info: of course the pasture the horses were in didn't need to be watered, and they had two lawns with sprinkles. The majority of the rest of the property was newly planted vegetable gardens. They were in the process of installing a watering system and it wasn't hooked up yet. Everything was being watered with hoses. Btw, how the hell did you guys come up with house plants? I didn't have access to the house, and why would I mention six acres if I was talking about indoor plants? Come on, people. I did call my neighbor's after they pulled this and they explained that husband thought wife had told me already while wife assumed husband had told me. They didn't realize their mistake until they were about to pull away. So, innocent mistake, but had they told me sooner I would have had the chance to mention I've never been able to keep a plant alive. :(
Butqhy
Today, while in the airport, I had to use the washroom. Upon exiting, I got confused due to an excess of mirrors and walked directly into one in front of an audience. FML
SadDaenerys
Today, my boyfriend of two years broke up with me because I finished the Game of Thrones books before he could finish the TV show. FML
Xtrafresh
Netherlands
Today, after missing my flight and being stuck on the other side of the globe, I received a call telling me that the "male, neutered" kitten I adopted 7 months ago is now pregnant. FML
Xtrafresh tells us more.
Oh hi, OP here with much desired answers its seems. I adopted the cat from the local vet/asylum. They gave it to me as male and neutered. Even in the store I spotted it was most probably a she, but I didn't want to make a fuss and didn't care. I named her Violet, and she has a little brother named Dash. Kudos to whomever gets the reference. The big surprise for me was that not only did the vet **** up the gender, they also got the neutered part wrong.
broke
Today, just like the past 2 weeks, I'm so broke that I only got to eat dinner because I went on a first date with a guy from Tinder. FML
Smile
France
Today, after numerous attempts, my car door still wouldn't unlock. After going ballistic on the lock, the key broke off inside. I then realized it wasn't my car. FML
readytograduate
Rockwood, United States
Today, my class had a paint war to celebrate our upcoming graduation. I had a severe allergic reaction to the paint and now I'm covered in giant red splotches everywhere. FML
readytograduate tells us more.
For those who were wondering, I had no idea I was allergic to the paint beforehand, but with four layers of foundation the red splotches on my face were almost completely gone. I wasn't able to completely hide the ones on my arms so I wore a sweater with my dress. And thank you for all of the congratulations! Only a couple days left!
whywilson..
Canada
Today, I watched Cast Away with my girlfriend after not seeing it for a year. I forgot how sad it was when Wilson "dies" at the end. I cried. My girlfriend told me to man up. FML
googoogaga
United States
Today, I went to IHOP for breakfast. As we were leaving, I realized a little girl took my Hello Kitty hairclip. For the next 5 minutes, I fought with an 8 year-old for a hairclip. She won. FML
emilygreeny
United States
Today, I learned that you should never, ever, under any circumstance, take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night. FML
Iknowitlooksbad
Today, I learned the hard way not to keep my own cash in my pocket while working as a cashier, when I was forced to give $30 to a scamming customer. FML
Anonymous
France
Today, I found out that the coworker I refused to leave my wife for is now happily married with someone else, while I'm now divorced. FML
Anonymous
Ames, United States
Today, the highlight of my whole month was finally being able to take a solid crap. FML
DeepFriedLettuce
Vashon, United States
Today, I had to explain to my seventeen year-old daughter that deep frying food doesn't "melt the calories." FML
wowimdumb
United States
Today, I was at a power lifting meet when a girl I really liked walked in. Trying to impress her, I increased my bench to 350, when I have only done 300 before. She then watched me drop it on my chest, breaking my breast bone, and also crying in the process. FML
613tanner
Today, I got pulled over for going about 88mph. When the cop asked why I was speeding, I replied, "I was trying to go back in time." He didn't like that answer and gave me a ticket. FML