Money, the best funniest jokes

712

Today, my lawyer lied to me about how much of a settlement she won for my workplace accident. I got £20,000, but she lied and kept £55,000 for herself. My lawyer is my wife, and she claims she’s entitled to that money since she’s the one who’s really suffered caring for me during my recovery. FML

By Anonymous - 8/4/2021 23:30 - United Kingdom

Business is business

1459

157

Today, I told my dad I’m applying for a big pageant and I’ll find out tomorrow if I’m chosen to compete. I told him that there's a registration fee and a sponsorship fee. I then said that I might not be picked, but he assured me that I would… because they want the money from the fees. FML

By Anonymous - 4/4/2021 17:00 - United States - Elmwood Park

Thanks for the support

603

224

Today, I found out that they won't hold my stimulus for child support, only to find out that they withheld it to give it to me when I file my taxes. Which child support will take. FML

By - 4/4/2021 07:59

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

378

878

Today, it was sister’s birthday. I decided to give her money instead of a present, because I couldn’t come up with a gift idea. When she opened the envelope and took the $100 out, she looked at me and asked me if this was the best I could’ve done. FML

By Anonymous - 29/3/2021 07:59

Grateful

1042

155

Today, my flatmate was criticising his nephew for being too lazy to get a job. His nephew actually has a physical disability, so I pointed out he never had a job since he got 50 rental properties at 19 years-old when his dad died and makes a fortune on the rent. He then told me that waiting for his dad to die was his job. FML

By Some people - 27/3/2021 15:59 - United Kingdom

Vulture

952

Today, I went to the Louis Vuitton store to repair the broken handle on my handbag. Upon review, they told me that my handbag was not an authentic Louis Vuitton. I essentially paid $1600 for a fake that I can no longer use. FML

By Anonymous - 27/3/2021 08:01

Bougie

448

1301

Today, my friend informed me that I’m not moving in with him anymore that his sister is taking my place. Unfortunately, I'd finally gathered the money and a car to move out of state with him. Just when I thought I was going to get away from this hellhole, I’m sinking further into never leaving. FML

By Lexxxiii - 26/3/2021 11:01

Stuck

840

Today, while bringing my grandmother some water, I tripped, dropping and shattering the glass. Infuriated, she explained to me that the glass was worth more than I am and ordered me out of her house for good. I live there. I was also with her when she bought the glass. $10 for a set of 4. FML

By brokenglass - 24/3/2021 21:30

Overreaction much?

918

Today, I found out my son's dad stole his unemployment card and took the money. My son was homeless at the time and using his dad's address for mail. FML

By Anonymous - 17/3/2021 19:30 - United States

Parenting in 2021

995

Today, I bought a car. Made a down payment and everything. Have the papers saying it’s mine, only to find out a few hours later it was sold right before I bought it. FML

By Onlymeiswear - 15/3/2021 05:01

Sounds like a scam

859

Today, I got my birthday present from my dad. Instead of buying me things I told him I needed, he bought me collectible coins. I’m already stretched thin on my budget, and very stressed out. Looks like I’m living off Ramen and Oatmeal for the next 2 weeks. FML

By brokedude - 13/3/2021 20:01 - United States

I can't eat these

879

150

Today, my new boyfriend told me he has no interest in being a dad, never has, never will, so the first time I ask him for any sort of help with my son he’s out the door. I'd dump his ass, but my mum just died so I have nowhere to go, and literally cannot afford both rent and food without his wage. FML

By Anonymous - 10/3/2021 11:01

It's called being a wage slave

979

559

Today, my brother and I were nearly made homeless by a good friend and roommate, because after repeatedly leading on my brother, and admitting she’s disrespected me all along, she and her boyfriend took off suddenly without a word of notice, leaving us to a house we can't afford alone. FML

By Anonymous - 8/3/2021 08:01

Roommates from hell

742

Today, I learned that my MS medication is going to cost 25k a month. My insurance won't cover a cent. I don't even make that much in a year. FML

By Anonymous - 7/3/2021 02:00

Free healthcare for all

1296

Today, I was absolutely crucified online for asking the vet’s office how much it would cost to put my dog down. She's terminally ill. FML

By grant - 6/3/2021 20:01

Sorry for your loss

995

Today, I found out that one of my coworkers, who has been with the company for less than a week, is getting a $7k pay rise. I've been with the company for 8 months and still on minimum wage. FML

By Anonymous - 3/3/2021 20:02 - Australia

Admit you're shit

919

109

Today, I paid over $500 to pick up my car from the mechanic, after it'd spent almost a month there. It broke down again on the way home. FML

By Car Problems - 3/3/2021 20:01

Wreck

938

Today, I found out my husband of one year has been renting his old batchelor's apartment in secret, because he is unsure if he wants to stay married to me, and we are broke. FML

By Anonymous - 1/3/2021 22:30 - South Africa

Secrecy

1030

Today, after several hours, two pharmacies, several bus rides, $20, and many phone calls, I returned home. Guess who still doesn't have a glucose monitor? Yup, I have to go do this all again tomorrow. FML

By Niniva - 1/3/2021 08:01 - United States - Dahlonega

Scarcity

878

Today, my initial unemployment benefits ran out. Yesterday, the extended benefits ran out for my entire state too, so I'll see $0 assistance. But it could be worse, they're also taking back 7 million $ from extended benefits receivers, so at least I'm not having money taken away. FML

By Anonymous - 27/2/2021 20:01

Workers of the world unite

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105

Today, my fiancée wrecked my car so I had to use my other car to pick her up. Ten minutes after I did, my other car broke down in the middle of the road and I had to get it towed. My insurance covers none of these incidents. FML

By leogs23 - 27/2/2021 16:58

Insurance is a scam

769

188

Today, I realized I have finally turned into my mother when I got excited about using so many coupons that I only paid 70 cents for $14 worth of groceries. I need a life. FML

By Anonymous - 26/2/2021 14:02

Winner winner chicken dinner

689

205

Today, back in 2018, I had money and a six pack; in 2019 I couldn’t walk and had to have a back surgery; in 2020 I lost over $650,000 and gained over 40 pounds. Now, in 2021 I'm surviving and stress-eating trying not to lose everything I worked for. Fuck, I miss being a kid. FML

By Anonymous - 21/2/2021 22:01 - United States - Baton Rouge

Taking stock

1323

152

Today, a house I'm working in burned down overnight. My entire cordless tool line up and everything else needed to remodel a 3-story home is gone. Almost $14000. The only way I will be somewhat, maybe, possibly, reimbursed is if I stay on to rebuild the home. I don't have anything left to even start. FML

By Anonymous - 18/2/2021 02:59 - United States - West Yellowstone

Alexa, play "Burning down the house" by Talking Heads

1115

Today, my temporarily unemployed husband had a brain wave. I'm five months pregnant and we have a 4-year-old. He thinks we should start a family vlog on YouTube, so we can get rich. I hate those awful family vlogs with a passion. FML

By Amaaaaaaaaaanda - 17/2/2021 00:30

The Based Family

770

Today, I have to listen to my flatmate complaining that ladies don’t shag him anymore since his dad, in Saudi Arabia, cut him off. Apparently, they show a lot of interest until he reveals his financial situation. The dude actually thought he was God's gift to women instead of a mobile ATM. What a tool. FML

By An unemployed doorman - 14/2/2021 20:30 - United Kingdom

Shut your pie hole, please

817

105

Today, I found out I make less money than the temps at my job by over 2 dollars an hour. I've been working there the longest and do 75% of the job myself. I was told, "We'll think about it" when talking to upper management about getting equal pay or close to. FML

By Anonymous - 14/2/2021 07:58

Seize the means

1006

Today, I finally got my stimulus check and was big excited to be able to cash it and buy Valentine's Day gifts. The very second turn out of our driveway, dude and I got T-boned. Our only vehicle, with only two payments remaining, appears totalled. FML

By Country - 12/2/2021 14:30 - United States - Huntsville

Happy Valentine's…

884

108

Today, my girlfriend was in the back seat of a car with one of my friends when she got sick and puked all over one of his dress shoes. My friend then asked me to replace his shoes, since she is technically unemployed and couldn't pay him back. We eventually agreed that I would pay for one shoe. FML

By Anonymous - 9/2/2021 23:01

One each

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