Transportation: Today, I got pulled over for going about 88mph. When the cop... - FML

19/05/2011 05:30

Today, I got pulled over for going about 88mph. When the cop asked why I was speeding, I replied, "I was trying to go back in time". He didn't like that answer and gave me a ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 446

You deserved it 70 170

Batman

Poker Face

Knock off

10/05/2015 22:08 - United States

Today, I planned a lunch out with my mom for Mother's Day. She seemed excited about it and "couldn't wait!" She never showed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 260

You deserved it 2 063

19/12/2010 11:29 - United States

Today, I woke up late for work, and got sick at work twice; when I got home I discovered I'd paid my cable bill late when I got cut off. When my girlfriend came over, the first thing she said was "Do you know about the graffiti on your car?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 568

You deserved it 3 323

10/09/2011 15:34 - United States

Today, I found thousands of ants in a secret nest in an unused corner of my apartment. They were feeding on the baking mix I forgot in a box from moving two months ago, and the queen has been laying her eggs on my wireless router. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 643

You deserved it 16 197

25/06/2019 06:48

Today, I got into a screaming match with the mother of my kids. I told her they need to bathe more often. According to her, anything more than once a week is excessive and bad for their skin. My kids play sports and smell like puppies from the pound. She doesn’t care. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 304

You deserved it 183

Introverts of the world can relate

By Trooper - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Caterham

Today, I saw the postman approach my house through the window, and my immediate reaction was to drop to the floor in fear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 288

You deserved it 2 450

14/02/2015 12:14 - United Kingdom - Ipswich

Today, I found out someone, most likely my psycho ex, has been posing as me on local interest websites, trolling a load of people, and giving them my address so they can come fight me. I found this out when a gentleman showed up at my house wanting to beat me shitless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 340

You deserved it 2 313

Bad women's anatomy

By Anonymous - 03/05/2015 05:37 - Australia - Brisbane

Spicy

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that me switching to "super" sized tampons does not mean I've been having sex with other men with bigger penises, and that my vagina hasn't been "stretched bigger". FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 126

You deserved it 3 548

07/07/2018 20:30

Today, I was lying in bed recovering from a laparoscopy with my dog laying next to me. I fell asleep and later awoke to a burning pain on my incisions. My dog had decided the stitches would be fun to chew on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 869

You deserved it 465

28/12/2009 05:03 - United States

Today, I got a call from a girl I fell madly in love with 8 years ago. She disappeared from my life with no trace. Turns out she just finalized her divorce, has 2 wild kids, packed on 75 lbs, has $25,000 in debt and is taking meds to keep from going crazy. Now she wants me back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 149

You deserved it 3 577

09/08/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, I found out that when you chase a couple of squirrels off your porch for irritating your dogs, sometimes they chase you back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 387

You deserved it 14 992

22/09/2011 12:06 - Canada

Today, the new office IT guy figured the best way to get the virus off my computer was to wipe my entire hard drive. He was kind enough to back my data up and restore everything from the backups. Including the virus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 381

You deserved it 2 672

Chemical warfare

By Danielle Heichelbech - 08/11/2020 08:02 - United States

Today, my 28-year-old husband lifted one cheek, strained so hard I thought he'd shat himself, and screamed, "Fire one!" as he released from his ass a stench so awful all my eyebrows and eyelashes are now permanently curly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 917

You deserved it 140

09/10/2009 02:26 - United States

Today, I had my final divorce proceeding. The judge denied my divorce because my husband is unemployed. I can't get a divorce until he gets a job to pay child support. He hasn't had a job for 3 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 648

You deserved it 3 821

It's called growing old

By Anonymous - 23/09/2021 11:01

Today, I woke up with the nastiest, most brutal hangover ever. I haven't had alcohol in 10 years and I only eat healthy, yet my body craps itself out because… reasons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 728

You deserved it 109

11/10/2013 22:44 - United States - Conway

Today, I had horrible morning sickness, but being starving, I had some canned soup. My husband soon came into the room and commented on how the leeks in the soup looked like chunks of vomit. The visual caused me to vomit all over the table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 064

You deserved it 3 414

25/07/2009 21:14 - United States

Today, my son decided to come out of the closet by wearing a shirt that said "Mom, I'm gay" to the family reunion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 800

You deserved it 26 161

20/03/2009 08:14 - Canada

Today, I got an e-mail from a guy I'd had a one night stand with. He wanted to get together to talk about it. Turns out he's in rehab and he wanted to address the biggest mistakes he'd ever made in his life. I am a on a drug addict's list of regrets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 110

You deserved it 14 798

01/06/2017 04:00

Today, my mom's friend came over. She brought her son and claimed that we could have bonding time. I ended up chasing the five-year-old around the house for an hour. After they'd left, my mom saw that the little kid had broken a lamp and a clock. She then said I had to pay for it using my money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 849

You deserved it 240

19/12/2015 05:44

Today, I was kayaking with my friend. We figured it'd be awesome if I jumped from my kayak straight into his. Sounded good in theory. One flipped kayak, a pair of lost glasses and a humiliating swim back to shore later, I'm starting to think it wasn't the best idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 645

You deserved it 25 920

03/07/2011 02:15 - United States

Today, I was accused of cheating on my wife when an earring was found in our car. I knew it was my mom's missing earring but she didn't believe me. After calling my mom and getting them on the phone to clarify, my wife is upset I told my mother at all. Now I'm not a cheater, just an asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 247

You deserved it 3 933

09/02/2013 01:00 - Netherlands - Zwijndrecht

Today, I was rehearsing for a school play. My drama teacher keeps criticising the part where I fake-trip, saying I make it look terribly fake. During today's rehearsal, I actually tripped for real, and smashed my kneecaps against the floor with a scream. He still said my "acting" sucked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 422

You deserved it 2 889

17/08/2012 11:26 - United Kingdom - Hounslow

Today, my dog was run over. The man who ran over my dog was taking his own dog to the emergency vet. As the man awkwardly tried to apologise to me, he said, "Think of the irony". FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 802

You deserved it 1 975

25/02/2014 00:51 - United States - Brookfield

Today, I found out that my son set up a telescope in the attic not so he could study astronomy like he told me, but so he could spy on the girl across the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 595

You deserved it 7 230

14/02/2012 14:42 - Philippines

Today, after finally returning to my house after over a year overseas, I found that my neighbours built a wall covering the only window in my bedroom. Not only is my room eternally musty and pitch black, but the council won't accept my complaint, because apparently my window was illegally built. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 555

You deserved it 2 333

10/07/2011 00:13 - United States

Today, I went to the park with a girl I like. She got playful and climbed a tree, insisting I come up, too. While we were sitting and enjoying the view, she suddenly knocked me off the branch, sending me crashing to the ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 405

You deserved it 6 140

14/03/2015 08:22 - Netherlands

Spicy

Today, what my friends call my "resting bitch face" freaked my boyfriend out enough during sex that he went soft inside me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 173

You deserved it 8 238

05/11/2009 06:41 - United States

Today, I finally got the courage to go on a first date with this guy I had a crush on for months. It was such a big deal for me cause it was my first date ever. The first thing he says when we met was "I have to take a dump." I sat by myself for 10 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 071

You deserved it 5 563

01/11/2011 09:09 - Reserved

Today, I had to tell all the trick-or-treaters that I'd run out of candy. I'd actually bought about $50 worth of candy, but managed to eat all of it by myself, sitting alone in my apartment, exactly like last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 502

You deserved it 46 477

BURN

By Anonymous - 14/01/2018 15:00

Today, at work, I cashed out a sweet old lady. As I handed her the bag, she looked at me kindly and said, "Don’t worry sweetie. It'll get better," to which I responded, "What will get better?" She smiled at me and said, "Your face." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 681

You deserved it 352

Hardly getting used to it

By Anonymous - 05/02/2016 02:22 - United States - Columbia

Today, I shared with my doctor that I still feel uncomfortable with my medication. She expressed surprise, saying, "Really? By now I would've thought it'd be routine." Sorry, no. In three months, I have not gotten used to sticking a syringe up my butt and injecting my rectum full of medicated foam. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 857

You deserved it 1 770

Irony on base level

By Anonymous - 28/09/2021 11:01 - Netherlands - Eindhoven

Today, my boyfriend has been grumpy for days, because his essay on society's fixation with performance, winning awards and getting good grades got a somewhat disappointing grade. FML

I agree, your life sucks 797

You deserved it 78

29/06/2019 12:03 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, after finally asking my crush for his number, and telling him the reason being he's the only friend whose number I don't have, he laughed, then asked, "Why would I ever be your friend?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 204

You deserved it 217

18/02/2009 05:08 - United States

Today, my grandmother called. She greeted me by my mother's name. When I told her it was not my mother, she apologized and corrected herself, but this time she addressed me as my sister. When I told her it was not my sister either, she said "Sorry, wrong number" and hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 428

You deserved it 3 320

11/12/2008 10:40 - France

Today, I argued with a boy from school over a girl. I didn't know he was a black belt judoka. I'm still in pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 364

You deserved it 8 079

03/02/2016 13:33 - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I tried to explain autism to my classmates. One of them, a professional cunt who's always looking for an excuse to lecture people, accused me of being "ableist" because my explanations weren't accurate, and said I shouldn't explain things I don't understand. I'm actually autistic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 424

You deserved it 1 624

25/02/2017 00:00 - Australia - Belmore

Today, my very quiet and sexually innocent boyfriend said, "I want to be inside you." I was so startled that all I could reply was, "Oh, thanks." FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 660

You deserved it 1 443

07/12/2017 05:00

Today, I went on the best date of my life with someone I’ve admired for a very long time. On the car ride home, she vomited all over my lap and informed me that she’s moving across the country next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 783

You deserved it 344

09/05/2016 03:02 - Canada - Fort Smith

Today, for Mother's Day, I surprised my Mother with the news I that I'll be visiting in June. The last time we got to visit was 4 years ago, we live 4000 miles apart and it's a very expensive trip. She said, "No, come next June, I want to lose some more weight before seeing you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 468

You deserved it 1 121

Stinky neighborhood

By Anonymous - 11/08/2021 22:01

Today, I came home to a terrible smell in the apartment. Three hours, and a scoured kitchen later, I took the trash out. The smell was not my apartment, but from just across the alley: a neighbor had moved and emptied their fridge. Six more days of sunned milk until pickup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 837

You deserved it 47

11/04/2012 05:04 - United States - Crown Point

Today, my seven-year-old told me to lose weight. Her reason? There's a family fun day coming up at her school and she is embarrassed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 247

You deserved it 23 074

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Top comments

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Thursday 19 May 2011 11:52

Were you driving a DeLorean?

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Thursday 19 May 2011 11:57

you didn't engage the flux capacitor. hopefully you will learn from this crucial mistake.

Comments

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Thursday 19 May 2011 11:52

Were you driving a DeLorean?

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Thursday 19 May 2011 12:11

ydi...

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Thursday 19 May 2011 12:18

he totally deserved it .

TheSnakeDoctor20 17

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Thursday 19 May 2011 13:28

ydi for trying to get a break

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Thursday 19 May 2011 14:25

you should asked if he wanted to come along. cops like to time travel more than you know lol

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Thursday 19 May 2011 15:23

Your an idiot for that of course he gave you a ticket Back To The Future isn't real and that is the most dumbest excuse I've ever heard You shoulda said I was speeding to get to church it worked for Chris Tucker lolol

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Thursday 19 May 2011 16:05

I love back to the future!!!

salsalover_12 5

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Thursday 19 May 2011 16:15

Didn't they go 85mph in back to the future? and yes i love that movie as well it's the best movie of all time aside form the green hornet.

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Thursday 19 May 2011 16:44

can any body tell me what YDI means??

RedPillSucks 31

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Thursday 19 May 2011 16:45

@102 - You do understand that OP was trying levity as a way to get out of a ticket and wasn't using that as a serious excuse

peppermintstick 0

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Thursday 19 May 2011 16:57

@ 111 it was 88 miles per hour, and I agree! its the best movie of all time! You can tell who hasn't seen or heard of the movie based on their comments... Sadly they are missing out.

Azbubba_fml_fml 0

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Thursday 19 May 2011 16:58

@ 121 you deserve it

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Thursday 19 May 2011 17:19

awesome reply now pay that ticket with pride cause u new u were gettin that ticket. cause ur hat real low woulda been a better answer

shannonreneee 11

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Thursday 19 May 2011 17:40

102 never seems to get anything on FML :/

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Thursday 19 May 2011 17:44

ydi=you deserve it

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Thursday 19 May 2011 18:50

Marty: Doc we better back up. We don't have enough road to get up to 88. Dr. Brown: Roads? Where we're going we don't need roads. Wasn't the max speed on the speedometer of a DeLorean 85MPH as required by the government?

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Thursday 19 May 2011 20:55

It was a good try. Sometimes you get an officer in a bad mood or who's not very lenient.

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Thursday 19 May 2011 22:02

you deserve it

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Thursday 19 May 2011 23:17

I believe so 151

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Friday 20 May 2011 1:16

121 - youthful dessert intake

kofinater 3

Friday 20 May 2011 1:38

always go with explosive diarrhea excuse

Felix_Felicis15 8

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Friday 20 May 2011 3:33

Epic movie. Doc: "Damn. Damn! DAMN DAMN!"

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Friday 20 May 2011 6:43

Back to the future is classic. The police man must have no sense of humor!

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Friday 20 May 2011 9:03

Classic lol

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Monday 23 May 2011 19:36

You should have told him you were going to the Policeman's Ball.

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Friday 8 March 2013 18:49

Psych!!

Thursday 19 May 2011 11:53

mmmm... Moron

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Thursday 19 May 2011 14:19

Do you have no sense of humor?

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Thursday 19 May 2011 14:41

No kidding... I think part of the reason people are commenting this way is because they don't know the reference.

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Friday 20 May 2011 2:25

of he's goes back to the future he can change his mind about this next time and don't get a ticket :)

trvt 0

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Thursday 23 June 2011 6:32

ur a dick

northern_lights 0

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Thursday 19 May 2011 11:54

Best FML ever!

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Thursday 19 May 2011 12:10

haha I agree

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Thursday 19 May 2011 13:35

Agreed!

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Thursday 19 May 2011 14:56

This really shouldn't even be an FML because he was caught speeding and tried to get away with it.

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Thursday 19 May 2011 15:06

Pokeemon, nice name, I love Pokémon. RoeAllen, your profile pic is pretty. And OP, nice try, but your Flux Compassitor needs uranium to work.

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Thursday 19 May 2011 15:48

Thanks, too bad I can't edit my posts to change typos...

PoserDisposer 0

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Thursday 19 May 2011 16:53

The Flux Capacitor actually needs Plutonium.

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Thursday 19 May 2011 18:14

Great Scott!

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Thursday 19 May 2011 19:02

>.< I need to rewatch that movie, so I won't make bad references to it...

WompWompWomp123 7

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Thursday 19 May 2011 19:21

96 - you need plutonium, not uranium. I guess your Flux Capacitor isn't working either.

sweetcheeksjvl 0

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Thursday 19 May 2011 11:55

you're an idiot for saying it YDI

missy_lynn012 0

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Thursday 19 May 2011 14:54

the best response is always a family member is in labor. GEESH!

ThogTheCaveman 7

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Friday 20 May 2011 3:36

You're quite right. He's an idiot for assuming someone else may have a sense of humor.

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Tuesday 20 March 2012 3:15

You have to give him credit for having the balls to say it right? Right? No? Well then YDI

GigaPudding_fml 24

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Thursday 19 May 2011 11:55

Although I found your joke rather funny, you can't complain on getting a ticket... :)

cutielilangel 8

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Thursday 19 May 2011 12:38

looool so true. too bad Gabriel Iglesias advice didn't work.

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Thursday 19 May 2011 12:48

cuz I'm black!

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Thursday 19 May 2011 19:13

back to the future reference is at least a humorous response. Better than the typical my wife is in labour one

Iknoweverything 29

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Thursday 19 May 2011 19:31

OP is actually lucky he didn't get a fine for reckless behavior... Depending on the state and the posted limit, you can go to jail for going that fast.

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Thursday 19 May 2011 11:57

you didn't engage the flux capacitor. hopefully you will learn from this crucial mistake.

JustinThunder 8

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Thursday 19 May 2011 12:38

Dang, it's always the flux capacitor.

dizzaymizlizzay 11

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Thursday 19 May 2011 11:59

if I was the cop, I would've given u the ticket and told u to try to go back in time to prevent me from pulling u over!

Octwo 16

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Thursday 19 May 2011 16:19

I would have taught you how to spell "you."

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Thursday 19 May 2011 11:59

You have been outsmarted by a cop?

gwadafiesta_fml 2

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Thursday 19 May 2011 12:00

How stupid can you be ?

LaneDoyleStoleMy 0

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Thursday 19 May 2011 16:38

whoa!!! easy there the OP is a crazy ass honey badger that clearly just don't give a shit! go honey badgers of the world!! unite in freereeeeeeeeedom!!! owww!!

EarAcheMyEYE10 2

Thursday 19 May 2011 12:02

obviously it didn't work.... next time tell the nice officer "I was trying to avoid your worthless assholish self there officer!! (with a smile on your face!) At least it will be worth the ticket vs saying a dork-like-gonna-get-the-ticket-anyway answer!

SpazzyJazzy325 0

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Friday 10 June 2011 0:40

it's not dorky, it's just to awesome for you to comprehend

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 132

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 408

You deserved it 100

Today, for the first time I had to lie to the man I intend to marry, because I had a very intense and hot dream about Leslie Nielsen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 436

You deserved it 132