Today, I was just taking a wank with my laptop on low battery.... - FML

By Noname - 7/1/2009 15:07 - United Kingdom

Today, I was just taking a wank with my laptop on low battery. Almost finished when my laptop died. FML

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The best cat

Age ain't nothing but a number

Hello everyone!

By Anonymous - 28/9/2013 21:28 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, in a fit of jealousy over my recent muscle growth, my brother told our mom that I've only been going to the gym so I could smoke weed with my friends. She believed him and grounded me. FML

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By jasmine - 10/6/2019 14:00

Today, my daughter is 16 hours-old and cries every time I pick her up, and refuses to be breast fed. She loves sleeping peacefully in her dad’s arms, and being bottle-fed by him. My 16 hour-old baby hates me. FML

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By ej6901 - 23/6/2015 20:00 - United States - Ventnor City

Today, I left my dog in my car for 5 minutes while I ran into a store. The car was running so he was fine, the thing that wasn't so fine is that when I walked out my car wasn't there. My dog somehow moved my car into the middle of a intersection, almost causing an accident. FML

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By fuck's sake - 16/4/2016 10:54 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I went to a karaoke bar for the first time. I'd never sung in front of others, but I gave it a try. I was accused of being way too drunk and was asked to leave. I didn't get kicked out in the end, but I was told that my singing voice sounds like a dying goat. FML

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By calebeutsler - 11/9/2011 01:18 - United States

Today, I was at a pie auction. During it, I had to hold a pie in a glass case to be sold. In the middle of the auction, I raised my hand to scratch my face, and dropped the pie and broke the glass. It was worth $1000. FML

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By HeadStillHurts - 26/10/2016 11:43

Today, I tried to impress a group of friends by jumping a set of stairs on my skateboard. I didn't realize the ceiling dropped down towards the bottom of the stairs and knocked myself out. FML

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By scorpionsurviver - 8/7/2012 09:47 - United States

Today, I was brushing my teeth when I looked up. There was a huge scorpion dangling on the air vent above my head. I was trapped in the bathroom for over an hour trying to build the courage to run out. FML

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By smalls727 - 22/11/2016 17:46

Today, I was at orientation for my new job. There were only 6 other people in the training. Throughout the whole entire training, I kept smelling cat urine and moving further away from the other person. Only to get in my car and realize my cat peed in my purse. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2015 02:43 - United States - Titusville

Today, I gave birth to a baby girl. Where was my husband after the agony finally ended? Standing just outside the room, flirting with a nurse. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2011 10:18 - Australia

Today, I swapped a shift so I didn't have to work on new year's eve. An hour later I realized I didn't have anyone to spend it with. I swapped it back. I'll be ringing in the new year with my boss. FML

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By GreatParenting - 26/7/2015 22:47 - United States - Nampa

Today, I had to go to the emergency room in the middle of the night. Even though they know I don't have any money, let alone shoes on my feet, my parents have decided it's far too much trouble to come pick me up because we're on vacation and they want to have fun. FML

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By theDiva - 21/1/2009 11:22 - Malta

Today, I am down to 3 euros. My mother just stole the last two euros from me. I asked what she needed them for? Condoms. My mother can have safe sex. I can't buy lunch tomorrow. FML

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By Mak1 - 5/12/2008 08:12 - Belgium

Today, my boyfriend told me in a very natural way that my mother is better at sex than me. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2019 00:15 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend ran off with my sister. FML

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By j4y - 29/1/2009 00:30 - Canada

Today, I went to the gym to try to get into shape. I pulled a muscle taking my sweater off in the locker room. FML

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By poopooppachuu - 11/10/2011 07:32 - United States

Today, in the middle of explaining over the phone to my crush how I felt about him, I got a text from his best friend, who was apparently with him at the time. It said, "He doesn't like you, get over it. Stop rambling." FML

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By Nola - 27/4/2017 12:00

Today, I watched my mother pull her pants down and, using her hands, feel her butt crack to check if she'd had had an accident. She then pulled her pants up, went into the kitchen and touched stuff in the refrigerator. FML

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By Ashley - 7/9/2010 16:06 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex for the first time when my 4 year old sister walked in. She thought we were making a dog pile, so just as soon as my boyfriend was about to finish, she jumped on his back. FML

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By S. Tucker - 7/6/2011 09:28 - United States

Today, I learned how unhappy my husband is in our marriage. Apparently he also can't find a good woman. We didn't have a heart-to-heart, I read his woes in a blog. FML

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By cousin of the groom - 7/8/2018 01:30

Today, I stood too fast, got dizzy, and fell over. I fell on the grandmother of the bride, pushing her into the wedding cake table. Cake ruined, grandmother in hospital for a broken arm, and everybody mad at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2009 05:31 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend he is good at singing. Now he won't stop. FML

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By Drew - 5/8/2010 05:18 - United States

Today, I discovered that my mom is having an affair... with her cousin. FML

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By jlover42 - 1/5/2009 21:07 - United States

Today, I forgot my inhaler. I had an asthma attack and had to go to the ER. The doctors told me it wasn't an asthma attack. It was just a panic attack from worrying about whether I would get an asthma attack. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2014 03:52 - United States

Today, I ran for the first time in ages when I saw my bus coming. My loose shoe went flying into a shop doorway, and I tripped into the gutter. FML

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By DoesNotLikeCubes - 6/7/2009 20:08 - Qatar

Today, I spent 3 hours looking at a youtube video for how to do rubik's cube. Even after being told how to do it, I couldn't finish it. I scroll down at the comments and read "Awesome! I'm 10 and can do it in 3 minutes now!". I'm 28 and still couldn't get it, even with a guide. FML

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By aoliver03 - 11/9/2018 18:30

Today, I spilled my guts out to my fiancé about some insecurities I've been having. I then turned to look at him through tears at his expressionless face as he texted someone. FML

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By jaimie - 19/3/2011 16:00 - United States

Today, we were going to Disney World all the way from North Carolina. After 12 hours of driving, my kids started fighting and complaining. My husband finally said, "If I hear you guys one more time we're turning around and going back home." They annoyed him once again, and we actually went home. FML

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By anon - 22/2/2009 04:49 - United States

Today, I got fired from a great baby sitting job because the little girl said I was boring. FML

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By J.Smith - 15/1/2009 16:12 - France

Today, the only girl I really loved said to me: I want you to be the father of my child, but I don't want to be your girlfriend. FML

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By jack - 15/6/2016 09:56 - France - Ajaccio

Today, I invited the girl I like out for a meal. She replied, “Sorry, I already have plans”. I asked her what they were. “I don’t know yet, but I’ll think of something.” FML

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By a - 10/4/2013 19:09 - United States

Today, my husband and I announced our upcoming divorce. My friends told me how sorry they were and that they're available for whatever I need. His friends told him to just call the girl from last weekend and get himself laid again. FML

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By DepressedKid - 1/10/2010 11:31 - Canada

Today, I found out that no one actually likes me as a friend. They only like me to get answers for school work. How did I find out? They were talking about it in front of me. Apparently I'm also invisible to them. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2015 20:40 - France - Saint-brieuc

Today, apparently when you tell a hairdresser "A little off the sides." they hear "A bowl cut, please, and make it look extra stupid." FML

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By Chris - 11/1/2010 13:43 - Ireland

Today, I jumped into a pile of snow which had built up against a wall. Turns out it wasn't snow but a pile of cement covered by an inch of snow. I now have a 3 inch cut along my leg and a sprained wrist from falling. FML

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By single again - 6/9/2013 00:29 - United States - Chico

Today, I'm a police officer who had the honor of arresting my girlfriend of 3 months for prostitution. All of my coworkers at the station know her and won't stop giving me judging looks. FML

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By ItsFunnyNow - 22/10/2009 04:07 - United States

Today, I took my first Viagra. It worked great, but "Wally, the one-eyed wonder-weasel" would not return to "hiding". After 4 hours, I was in mortal aching pain, and went to my doctor for a shot and sedative. My wife, the doctor, and the nurse could not stifle their laughter. FML

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By ellesworth - 1/9/2017 23:15

Today, while sharing my screen with our tech guy at work, I forgot he was there and opened Facetime to pick a zit on my chin. After going in for the squeeze, I horrifyingly remembered he could see everything and quickly closed it. After a few seconds, he said, "Did you get it?" FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2012 23:11 - United States - Danby

Today, at my school they were having a carnival to raise money. One of the patrons suggested that if they wanted to make money, they should have people pledge money to make me cover my ugly face with a bag. The school got over $500, and I had to wear a bag. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2010 02:09 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend announced he has stopped wearing deodorant because he thinks his BO smells "manly." FML

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By Jack - 10/1/2016 02:07 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, after dating my girlfriend for a while, I had a realization. She often says things like, "You're my favorite!" and scratches my beard, which I appreciated affectionately. Upon meeting her pets, it dawned on me that I am just another one of her cats. FML

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Top comments

By WhatThePhuc | 0

#638 - Sunday 8 February 2009 8:03

just use ur imagination

By katers4life | 0

#206520 - Sunday 17 May 2009 20:10

uhmm plug it in?
or think of me ;D

Comments

By WhatThePhuc | 0

#638 - Sunday 8 February 2009 8:03

just use ur imagination

Reply

tormcn | 26

#6250803 - Thursday 2 April 2015 20:15

Or a hooker.. since I'm guessing he can't get a gf.

By brumbo | 0

#3567 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 23:00

Seriously if that is the worst way in which your life is fucked today, fuck you.

Reply

Dillon13 | 0

#441980 - Thursday 30 July 2009 7:43

"Seriously if that is the worst way in which your life is fucked today, fuck you."
You know, not extraordinarily horrible things happen to people every day. This just so happened to be theirs, and I would have been pissed if I was in his position too. So FUCK YOU!

Reply

peasonearth | 8

#2873590 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 9:36

I think his point was that way worse things happen to people other then the guy not being able to get a girlfriend

By 3milyzabc | 0

#15049 - Wednesday 4 March 2009 23:43

#8

By firstnlast77 | 0

#29278 - Friday 13 March 2009 3:43

that's why you have an inmagination dude

By qwedfgcvb | 1

#29809 - Friday 13 March 2009 15:50

thats Y god gave us a some called a charger

Reply

WhyAmUHere | 19

#5042028 - Sunday 14 October 2012 16:29

It's funny because God doesn't exist.

Reply

JustinMrBest91 | 10

#5813421 - Thursday 2 January 2014 0:42

#99 everyone has there own religious views

Reply

kaylabunny1999 | 22

#6355434 - Monday 20 July 2015 2:21

He also gave us a dictionary and english class

By pinkfrenchrose | 5

#32275 - Sunday 15 March 2009 3:57

LOL @ #8.

By Cowgirl1992 | 0

#34395 - Monday 16 March 2009 9:33

thats just sad, im sorry..

By phiniusmaster | 0

#36270 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 2:57

Um.....

*cough* IMAGINATION *cough*

Reply

cheyAnn | 0

#2520454 - Monday 16 May 2011 23:57

you are hot

By crazyme123 | 0

#39785 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 8:34

no past experiences to wank off to instead? all i can say is WOW -_-

LOLZOR @ 9

Reply

Cold_Pizza_Eater | 0

#1092507 - Thursday 15 July 2010 7:59

Sometimes I _Only_ use my imagination...

By Victoria2103 | 0

#43664 - Thursday 19 March 2009 23:21

Plug your computer in next time. ;P