Family, the best funniest jokes

285

Today, I was at my mom's when I suddenly doubled over in pain. It was so bad that I begging to be taken to the hospital, just when her dog started coughing. She immediately ran to her dog, asked if she was OK, saying that she hates to see anyone she loves in pain. I sat there hunched over in disbelief. FML

By iappreciatethesentiment - 9/5/2021 17:01

Help! I need somebody!

416

Today, after sacrificing multiple weekends to help my kid brother with his various projects, I asked him to help me with one of mine. He nearly blew up at the thought of losing an evening of his free time on a simple task, so I postponed it to later, which means never. FML

By Anonymous - 7/5/2021 20:01 - United States - Pittsburgh

Thanks for your help

672

Today, I kind of wished I'd never become a stepmom. I didn't know what I was getting into. When one of the kids' moms stops making life hard, the other picks up. I love the kids with all my heart, but it's starting to hurt me. I can't give 100% because I'm reminded I'm "not their real mom." FML

By Anonymous - 5/5/2021 14:02

Baby mama drama

937

158

Today, I pretended to be sleeping when my dad came to check on me. I’m not talking to him. Why? Because my mom died in January and he already has a girlfriend he says he wants to marry, she's going to be my step-mom. I’m 31. FML

By Anonymous - 3/5/2021 20:01

Time to get over it too

754

295

Today, I had a small get together in my backyard. My idiot sister got blackout drunk and found a stray cat. She was holding it and taking selfies, until her dumbass realized she’d actually picked up a possum. She panicked and dropped it. Now it’s loose somewhere in my house and I can’t find it. FML

By possum oh possum - 2/5/2021 05:01 - United States

Animal control

1045

Today, I tried to prank my brother with the butter floor prank after coming back from work. As a result, my brother stepped out of ER with an arm cast, stitches on his head and a neck collar. FML

By Dia - 2/5/2021 05:01

You went too far

129

1877

Today, a friend was over at my house. My dad walks over and talks to me; I respond. He then goes back in his room. My friend then says, "Don’t get self-conscious, but when you talk to your dad, your southern accent gets REALLY strong." Guess who's now self-conscious. FML

By Anonymous - 1/5/2021 00:56 - United States - Schertz

Hey y'all!

651

111

Today, and until today, I'd never met anyone who took Tucker Carlson's bullshit seriously. Then, tonight, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. I managed to bite my tongue, but… FML

By Anonymous - 30/4/2021 20:04

Carl Tuckson

708

250

Today, my uncle picked up a tissue box and threw it at my sister for fun. My sister got mad and yeeted the box at me. I reacted with the same action, but she lost her crap and kicked and punched me. When I reported the incident to my parents, I get berated and my sister got away with it. FML

By LieutenantDimwit - 30/4/2021 18:01 - Jordan

Teenagers…

723

121

Today, I heard my 7 year-old step-daughter tell her father over Zoom she cries every night, because she wants to go home with him. I don't have the heart to tell her that he had kicked her and her mom out of the house because he thought mom's stretch marks were unattractive. FML

By blargerpanda - 29/4/2021 20:01 - United States

Dick move

1064

Today, I told my sister I felt like her friends didn't like me, since they were ignoring my questions, opinions, etc., in the bridesmaids' chat, but were all over each other's messages. She kicked me from her bridal party, saying her friends wouldn't want me at the bridal shower and bachelorette party. FML

By Anonymous - 29/4/2021 10:58

Bridezilla strikes again

962

Today, my father is incapable of doing anything without cursing and swearing so loudly that the neighbours hear him. If I ask him what’s wrong or to stop swearing at inanimate objects, he starts yelling at me for "jumping all over him." I can’t win. FML

By Anonymous - 28/4/2021 17:30 - United States - Eden Prairie

Chill out, dad

752

Today, my mother-in-law had a bitch fit because I had a miscarriage and my husband and I are having a difficult time. It’s her birthday and she said I should, “stop being an attention-hogging drama queen” and that, “shit happens, get over it” She doesn’t see what's wrong with her statements. FML

By Vanessa - 28/4/2021 13:59

Classic narcissist

1226

Today, I found out my mom had been telling everyone how independent I was and just wanted to be left alone. I was homeless when I graduated valedictorian from high school and wondering why no one would let me stay with them, even when it was snowing. Now I know. FML

By Anonymous - 28/4/2021 00:30

Unwanted

1360

Today, my supervisor at work is now my father-in-law. My girlfriend told me that. FML

By Fucked. - 26/4/2021 07:59

Oh nooooo

710

144

Today, as caregiver, I had to physically remove the shit my grandpa had stuck in his rectum, because he doesn't remember how to shit. He barely knows who I am, which is good because when he remembers who he is, he becomes an abusive asshole. I'm 27. FML

By Anonymous - 24/4/2021 02:00

Bunged up

1043

Today, my grandma called me to see how my oral surgery went. She gave me a kiss over the phone, but when I tried to make the kiss sound back to her, the bandages got in the way and it came out as a fart sound. FML

By Imnotfromhere - 22/4/2021 17:01

Sorry grandma

710

106

Today, I found out that not only does my sister consider Fox News "reliable" but her husband has been buying Trump merchandise. They owe me $1,900 but they're literally giving a millionaire money instead of me. FML

By Anonymous - 18/4/2021 20:00 - United States - Seaside

No, it's not a cult, not at all

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Today, my 30-year old cousin, who is unemployed, parasitic and never completed high-school, whose girlfriend is a crack addict, wants to move into my place. He was evicted from an apartment building two weeks ago for assaulting some neighbors. FML

By Eduardo - 18/4/2021 20:00

Hard no

1029

Today, my dad and I finally found something we have in common, after 12 years of barely talking with each other. We're both extremely suicidally depressed and we were both molested as kids. FML

By Anonymous - 18/4/2021 03:00 - Canada - Bedford

Making connections

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Today, I found out my mum has been using my electric shaver for several months to shave her pubes and underarms. FML

By Anonymous - 17/4/2021 21:27

Contact

836

Today, my hair is so long hair that it touches my shoulders now. My father attempted to bribe me into cutting my hair several times. I'm 30. FML

By Anonymous - 17/4/2021 20:00

Chill out, dudebro

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Today, I was complaining to my nana about why I can’t get a date. She proceeded to point out my appearance, lack of brains, abrasive personality, poor clothing choices, tacky tattoos, and so on. Thanks nana. FML

By Anonymous - 17/4/2021 08:00

Emotional support

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Today, I sent a picture of my two little nephews to my friends, who now keep telling me how my older nephew looks exactly like me. They’re starting to make awkward statements such as, “Are you sure you didn’t have sex with your sister in-law?” FML

By Anonymous - 15/4/2021 11:00 - United States - Arlington

Are you sure?

804

Today, my husband decided it's completely fine to walk around the house with his penis out in front of his mom. FML

By Anonymous - 15/4/2021 01:59

Close

1049

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Today, my mom and dad got into a fight, during which my dad said to my mom that her health conditions were of her own doing. Because of that, I got pissed and had a fight with my dad, taking my mom's side. Turns out, my mom took his side and ratted me out. FML

By Anonymous - 14/4/2021 02:00

Fun for all the family

664

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Today, I told my brother a story about something I did a couple weeks ago. When I'd finished, he laughed and asked, "What grade were you in when you did that?" I'm 45 years-old and I haven't been in any "grade" since I was 17. FML

By Anonymous - 13/4/2021 05:01

Childlike

618

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Today, my family got mad at me for installing toilet paper going under instead of over. Considering I'm the only one who fills the empty spool, I thought that it wouldn't matter. FML

By Anonymous - 12/4/2021 05:00 - United States - Pittsburgh

Paper trail

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Today, I had to create a new password for my computer. I had to do it to stop my father from watching porn on my computer. FML

By Anonymous - 11/4/2021 13:57

Keep out

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