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The all-time greatest FMLs

Foot in mouth

By Noname - 24/02/2009 05:05 - United States

Today, one of my closest friends and I got into a fight. She ended the conversation with, "My grandma just had a stroke. Bye." I didn't believe her so I replied "That's great. Bye." Turns out her Grandma is in the hospital in critical condition. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 655

You deserved it 57 616

By DUMMIE - 04/03/2010 00:07 - United States

Today, we were working with infant and adult CPR dummies. After practising flawless CPR on the adult dummy, I announced "And that's how you save someone." Then I tripped on the baby dummy and fell. My co-worker stood up and yelled out, "And that's how you kill a baby." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 655

You deserved it 30 320

By peacechick25 - 02/01/2011 09:36 - United States

Today, as a finisher to a date with my girlfriend we decided to park behind the school and mess around. As we were pulling into a dark shaded spot, she drove straight into a snow bank. We spent the rest of our time together trying to dig the car out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 654

You deserved it 27 670

By Ugh - 14/06/2016 20:41 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I'm looking forward to my orthodontist's appointment more than I'm looking forward to my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 652

You deserved it 1 078

By mikey51 - 10/03/2012 01:56 - Australia

Today, I was taking a dump, when my dad shouted for me to go wash the dishes. Fed up with his constant shit, I told him to bite me. He took this as an invitation to wedge the bathroom door shut for nearly two hours, despite all my pleas and apologies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 650

You deserved it 41 613

By scottyboy - 01/10/2016 07:58

Today, I started packing up the flat I have been renting. As I took a picture off the wall I also ripped half the wallpaper. That's my deposit gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 649

You deserved it 1 677

By Anonymous - 21/11/2010 05:39 - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that if you're going to pour bleach on bugs to kill them, you need to be prepared for them to fly up and try to attack your face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 648

You deserved it 38 464

By Anonymous - 23/10/2016 10:12 - Pakistan - Lahore

Today, I finished a 700-page book for my law exam. It was the wrong book. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 648

You deserved it 4 671

By Anonymous - 11/10/2010 04:59 - United States

Today, I was playing basketball outside in my driveway. I saw three cute girls walking by, so I thought I would try to show off a little by doing a backwards slam dunk. I jumped, completely missed the rim and hit my head on the backboard. Then my mom ran out to help me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 648

You deserved it 42 333

By seatle girl - 28/06/2016 00:43 - France - Les Mureaux

Today, my six-year-old daughter organized a treasure hunt… for our cat. She hid the contents of an entire bag of cat food all around the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 647

You deserved it 980

By facepalmshroomer - 07/02/2009 23:24 - United States

Today, I tried hallucinogenic mushrooms for the first time with my friend. Little did I know, they last for around 6 hours, and I had class at 3, when I had to give a presentation in front of 30 people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 645

You deserved it 85 378

By Username - 06/11/2010 17:58 - France

Today, at my cousin's baby shower, there was a discussion on what to name the baby. When the name Jacqueline was brought up, I made a face and exclaimed, "Ugh, I hate that name!" I was then informed that's the name of my cousin's mother-in-law. She definitely heard me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 644

You deserved it 27 640

By NoNaMe - 04/06/2009 08:07 - Australia

Today, while walking down the street, a homeless man walked up to me. He opened his mouth to say something and I immediately said that I didn't have any spare change because I was late for work. He then said "I was gonna ask you for the time, dickwad". Apparently he wasn't homeless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 643

You deserved it 75 226

Brain bug

By andimanastudent - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I freaked out when the remote wouldn't unlock my car. I stood in the rain trying to open the door. Unsure of what to do next, I called my boyfriend. He told me to "put the key in the door…" I'd forgotten about that option. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 642

You deserved it 68 649

By freakfreak12345 - 19/07/2011 16:41 - United States

Today, I learned that when you piss on a hornets' nest from a window, the hornets will go after the source of the stream. It can also cause you to fall through your friend's second story window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 641

You deserved it 74 821

By C8H18 - 29/06/2016 03:16 - United States

Today, my supervisor gave me a grand introduction as I met the CEO for the first time. He introduced me as, "Employee number zero." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 640

You deserved it 815

C8H18 tells us more.

C8H18 33

Wednesday 29 June 2016 17:51

OP here. I don't work in programming. I teach weapons safety courses and coach people while shooting on the range. The only thing that came to mind when my supervisor said this was the center ring on the targets. Maybe I am wrong, but I took this as I should be shot at.

By Miserable - 11/11/2009 07:06 - United States

Today, I did laundry in my apartment complex's laundry room. I put my stuff in the dryer and returned to my room. The sign on the door says the laundry room closes at 10 pm, but that's rarely true. Tonight it was. I have to wait until 8 am. I work at 7:30. My work clothes are in there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 640

You deserved it 41 151

By crazytortise - 06/10/2016 02:40 - United States

Today, I was syphoning some gas from my truck to my friend's car just enough to get to the gas station. I told my friend to let me know when the gas was coming; he said, "Alright." Suddenly, I got a mouth full of gas because he was on his phone taking a video of me. He got the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 636

You deserved it 1 682

By __shirtless__ - 10/12/2016 03:09

Today I found out that paying $40 for next-day shipping doesn't ensure that you'll receive the item the next day or even the next week. I assumed it was my fault for ordering too late into the holiday season. Turns out they never shipped it. When I finally received it 10 days late, it was the wrong item. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 634

You deserved it 749

By Anonymous - 06/11/2010 04:31 - United States

Today, after getting out of the shower, I was in a good mood. So I decided to run around the house naked, then play air guitar while air drying, just for fun. My blinds were open, and the men in the Fedex truck in my front yard did have fun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 633

You deserved it 34 585

Deez nutz

By balls - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Santa Clara

Today, the only reason I took a shower was because I could smell my dick sweat while still wearing underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 633

You deserved it 30 983

By infected - 30/12/2010 21:37 - Denmark

Today, I had a snowball fight with a friend. In the midst of the game, I stole her hat and put it on my head, ignoring her pleas. Apparently, she was trying to say she had head lice. I can now verify that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 633

You deserved it 43 665

By georgiana072 - 22/09/2009 07:36 - Philippines

Today, as I was coming out of the ladies' room, I saw a guy glancing at me. A few minutes later, I saw him coming at me at a fast rate. I decided to run from him. As I got out of the building and into a cab, I saw him from the window waving my phone at me. He was just trying to return it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 631

You deserved it 47 493

Smoke 'em while you can

By OuttaNowhere81 - 15/05/2009 04:05 - United States

Today, I was smoking a cigarette in my backyard while my parents were out, because I'm not allowed to smoke. While smoking, my parents came home unexpectedly. In a rush, I flicked it over the fence, and it landed in my neighbor's hair. It was still lit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 631

You deserved it 73 939

Overenthusiastic

By Sash - 06/04/2012 21:04 - United Kingdom

Today, I dressed up for a date. After waiting for hours, sending countless texts and voice mails to my date, and thinking I'd been stood up, I remembered my date is actually scheduled for tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 630

You deserved it 38 397

Stank ass

By girlsgottagotoo - 26/06/2016 20:52 - United States - Covina

Today, I passed a cashier when I came into a store. Later I passed him again as I was leaving, and he asked me if I needed help finding something because I had been in the store for a while. I told him I had been browsing upstairs, but in reality, I had been in the restroom the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 628

You deserved it 1 527

Panic on the streets of Hanford

By greeneyedpothead - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Hanford

Today, I got my foot stuck in the car seat belt. I kept pulling to loosen it up but it just kept getting tighter till my foot was in the air, so I started panicking and eventually started crying. My boyfriend had to pull over and save me from a seat belt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 627

You deserved it 28 165

By I'm stupid - 25/11/2012 15:08 - United States - Naperville

Today, I took a pregnancy test. When I saw that the result was positive, I started crying and showed my mom. She burst out laughing and told me that I had taken an ovulation test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 627

You deserved it 37 963

By PinkMonkeys - 23/11/2016 18:33

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by sending me flowers that said, "I just need some space, forever. I hope I never see you again, even if you were a great person. It's not you it's me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 627

You deserved it 894

By ouch - 13/06/2012 16:00 - United States - Lutz

Today, I was cashiering, and a customer's change came to $5.51. She looked pretty stinking rich, so I just gave her $5.50. She demanded the extra penny, and I asked if she really needed it. She said, "No, but they do, asshole," and dropped her $5.51 in the charity donation box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 627

You deserved it 120 329

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Keywords

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The Top

The Top

Today, I was playing Monopoly with my boyfriend and a few friends. After I bankrupted my boyfriend, he turned to me and said, "I fucked your best friend last night, so who really won?" I turned to the best friend in question, she looked at the board and said, "I'd like to buy a house please." FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 531

You deserved it 4 895

Today, I was lighting fireworks for my cousin's birthday in my grandmother's yard. When it came time to light the "Grand Finale", I read on the outside of the box, "Face this side towards crowd for the best result". After I lit it, I realized that it was on its side. I shot 100 fireworks at my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 981

You deserved it 59 162

Today, on my way out to get salt for the driveway, I fell and split my head. I'm now sitting in the ER waiting room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 945

You deserved it 97

Today, at work, I got to wait on one of those tables where everyone had very complex orders, and some of them sent their food back. When the time finally came for me to bring them their check and receive my well-earned tip, I returned only to discover that they'd dined and dashed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 384

You deserved it 2 145

Today, after I had filled up my car and got into it I saw a cute guy running towards me. I flashed a smile and left the door open and said, "Hey" when he was next to me. He said, "The pump is still attached to your car, you really should be more careful." FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 402

You deserved it 46 659

Today, my mother walked in on my boyfriend licking whipped cream off my nipples. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 836

You deserved it 31 886