Today, I was at my best friend's house, listening to him complain...

By BannedfromFriend - 20/5/2015 23:21 - United States

Today, I was at my best friend's house, listening to him complain about his mother remembering all the bad stuff he did when he was in high school. I jokingly said, "An elephant never forgets." Guess who was behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24731

You deserved it

10827

Favorite

Miscellaneous

All in the family

Caught red-handed

Yappy neighborhood

By Monkeyless - 2/5/2012 03:59 - United States - Providence

Today, it was confirmed that the "no pet rule" in my apartment complex is so strict that I'm not even allowed to have sea monkeys. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27187

You deserved it

2916

Favorite

By cacheson - 2/3/2020 12:07

Forever Alone

Today, I finally felt the inspiration to write creatively again. I worked for an hour on a character concept before I realized I'd actually created an imaginary sister/best friend for myself because I’m so lonely. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1307

You deserved it

173

Favorite

By Anonymous - 27/12/2016 13:16 - Australia

Today, my extremely lazy colleague received a promotion with benefits, while I was fired for "not being a team-player". I had stayed quiet about her constant negative behaviour because my supervisor said we needed to "have each other's backs". While I was protecting hers, she put a knife in mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7906

You deserved it

792

Favorite

By Anonymous - 12/2/2015 03:59 - United States - Breaux Bridge

Today, I had my performance review at work. Under the "oral communication" category my boss wrote that I "act like an asshole." FML

I agree, your life sucks

28328

You deserved it

5957

Favorite

By a268 - 2/2/2009 09:29 - United Kingdom

Today, I came home early from work and discovered my husband wearing a black babydoll nightdress, black stockings and high heels... He says it helps him to relax. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39138

You deserved it

3284

Favorite

By Anonymous - 24/8/2014 21:19 - Canada - Dartmouth

Today, I overheard my dad say "Last time I didn't use a condom, I ended up with Steven, so for god's sake use 'em." I'm Steven. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43604

You deserved it

3463

Favorite

By Anonymous - 1/3/2020 15:00

Crossed Wires

Today, while on Grindr, I saw that this guy I'm friends with and have liked for a while now had messaged me. I got all excited, just for it to be a picture of him flipping me off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1334

You deserved it

186

Favorite

By Anonymous - 17/5/2018 01:30

#notyourmaid

Today, at work, someone shat outside the bathroom door. Not outside the stall, but in the actual hallway. Guess who got fired for refusing to clean it up! I’m a cashier at a tool supply company and the only female employee. Four dudes refused before I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5375

You deserved it

301

Favorite

By Noname - 30/1/2009 22:08 - United States

Today, I went out to eat with my aunt and uncle, I barely looked at the male waiter because I'm a shy person. Then my uncle says: "YOU SHOULD TAKE OUT MY NIECE! She's never dated in her life." I'm 19 and my match maker is my uncle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31593

You deserved it

3223

Favorite

By MrAries - 2/3/2016 11:45 - United States

Today, I'm so sleep-deprived, I got a boner from just thinking about falling asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19593

You deserved it

2256

Favorite

By KMKWEEN - 16/2/2009 14:37 - United States

Today, I was at work. I work at a grocery store and a woman pulls a cart to me filled with chips, breads, lunch meats, and sodas. I said to her "Looks like you are going to have a fun party" she then looks at me and says "My mother just died, this is for after the funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43772

You deserved it

10620

Favorite

By swee t - 21/9/2016 19:02 - United States - Greensboro

Today, I got a bill from my former attorney for the call he made to me begging me not to turn him in for stealing all my money and almost causing me lose my home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15400

You deserved it

1024

Favorite

By Anonymous - 21/12/2014 08:51 - Australia - Elwood

Today, I noticed that even though I got all my Christmas shopping done a month earlier than usual, I forgot to put anything in the mail. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29280

You deserved it

8264

Favorite

By BrokenHearted - 4/7/2009 21:11 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years who had taken a job in a new city last month came into town and told me that she had slept with a co-worker last Friday. Last Friday I was incredibly lonely but I turned down a very attractive woman because I didn't want to hurt my girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

60730

You deserved it

5792

Favorite

By Anonymous - 20/3/2012 15:37 - United States - Raleigh

Today, I found out my roommate spits the mouthwash back into the bottle after he gargles. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33923

You deserved it

2644

Favorite

By Anonymous - 24/9/2011 04:40 - United States

Today, I received a serious concussion and several stitches to the back of my head. The attacker? My mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31442

You deserved it

2927

Favorite

By soso - 13/5/2012 21:26 - Sweden - Bor

Today, my boyfriend of two years logged into my Facebook account and broke up with himself. He is now receiving loads of sympathy, while I'm being accused of lying about it to save my reputation. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32360

You deserved it

3031

Favorite

By Cali girl - 3/4/2014 16:36 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up again to a warm trickling sensation on my neck. It would seem my rabbit has a thing for doing his business on me to wake me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40074

You deserved it

7516

Favorite

By noneofthesex - 10/2/2009 20:46 - United States

Today, I sent a text to my boyfriend saying 'Come over and do me.' He never responded. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48373

You deserved it

12111

Favorite

By Anonymous - 19/5/2013 20:33 - United States

Today, the weather was beautiful, so I decided to go out skating. I guess I took a wrong turn into a bad neighborhood, because I ended up being chased several blocks by a group of jacked-up thugs wielding baseball bats and taunting, "Skate or die, homie!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

48548

You deserved it

6364

Favorite

By Anonymous - 18/7/2013 09:29 - Canada - Cornwall

Today, my pre-teen brother has started using the entire Axe line because he believes that it will give him an "edge with the ladies". He insists on using the products at least three times a day, including before bedtime. I'm allergic to anything that is perfumed. We share a room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52486

You deserved it

3594

Favorite

By Neversleepingthereagain - 28/2/2013 19:00 - United States - Manchester

Today, during a sleepover at my friend's house, I woke up in the middle of the night with a dire need to pee. As I walked in the dark to the bathroom, I saw a silhouette in a doorway and instictively screamed. Turns out it was my friend's sister's One Direction cutout. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29503

You deserved it

4888

Favorite

By strongjon60 - 7/2/2012 15:07 - United States

Today, at my internship, I was told we were going to do something fun. I was excited, until I found out that this "fun" thing was labeling 500 folders. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24041

You deserved it

3614

Favorite

By unemployed - 18/10/2016 00:05 - United States - The Colony

Today, the store I work at got shut down and I got let go. Three days ago I got a promotion and a raise. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11345

You deserved it

744

Favorite

By Anonymous - 5/10/2012 18:22 - United Kingdom - Wokingham

Today, after having bought my daughter a complete set of new school clothes, she threw a tantrum and refused to wear them. I told her she could either wear them, or go to school naked. She made if half-way down the street in the nude before I caught up and dragged her back inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30664

You deserved it

10153

Favorite

By Em - 15/10/2009 06:12 - France

Today, my boyfriend accidentally called me from his pocket. I thought it would be funny to see what him and his friends were talking about. I laughed when I heard him talking about us fooling around until I realized it wasn't me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38156

You deserved it

3547

Favorite

By no new apartment for me - 18/7/2013 19:53 - United States - Hagerstown

Today, after more than six years of working my ass off, I finally summoned the courage to ask my boss for a raise. She just chuckled, "I'm gonna need you to eat a dick, John." and stared at me unblinking until I awkwardly left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51552

You deserved it

4189

Favorite

By Santa - 25/12/2014 03:01 - United States - Cocoa

Today, my 8-year-old daughter was throwing a tantrum, and I said "Keep this up and I'll tell Santa to take your presents back." She told me I don't even know Santa, at which point I accidentally blurted that I'm "Santa". FML

I agree, your life sucks

33452

You deserved it

13337

Favorite

By sad - 30/3/2012 22:21 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I confided to my dad that my girlfriend had dumped me for another guy. He said "good" and explained that given how overpopulated the planet is, he's actually disappointed that I'm not gay. His advice was: "just wank it off and move on". FML

I agree, your life sucks

27478

You deserved it

2994

Favorite

By snydeeli000 - 27/10/2015 03:41 - United States - Kent

Today, I learned the hisses of my 3 cats so I can tell who starts the fights. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22491

You deserved it

3371

Favorite

By Anonymous - 28/6/2017 01:44

Do you have an evil twin?

Today, my wife's parents came over, insisting they saw me at the bar at 1:30 p.m., talked to me, and that I left with another woman. I was at work all day. I have no idea what they are talking about, I've never done this. My wife doesn't believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6779

You deserved it

345

Favorite

By becca1417 - 1/9/2009 22:21 - United States

Today, I was at the mall in a store looking at movie posters. I turned around and suddenly saw a creepy guy smiling at me, holding his arms out wide. I screamed "holy shit!" really loudly, causing everyone to stop and stare at me funny. Then I realized the creepy man was a cardboard cutout. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14690

You deserved it

45171

Favorite

By Anonymous - 4/6/2015 12:26 - United States - San Bruno

Today, I told my boyfriend I was horny and was waiting for him at my place. 30 minutes later, he still hadn't arrived, so I called him and asked if he was coming. He replied "Already did, right into a kleenex." and hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34294

You deserved it

4336

Favorite

By Anonymous - 6/7/2013 16:13 - Lithuania - Vilnius

Today, I poured my heart out to my now ex-girlfriend over the recent passing away of my grandmother. Her eyes glazed over multiple times, and when I said that I don't know how to cope with everything, her advice was simply, "Shotgun. Mouth. Blam." FML

I agree, your life sucks

55137

You deserved it

5149

Favorite

By novacabudsforme - 15/8/2016 10:11 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, my mother told me that I could take a friend on vacation with us. Then she added that because I have no friends, my brother can bring his girlfriend instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14101

You deserved it

983

Favorite

By Singleton - 2/1/2010 00:33 - Canada

Today, it was my birthday dinner with my family. Everyone was making an effort to avoid a certain topic. Later my 5 year old cousin gives me a nice hand drawn card of me and my boyfriend. Apparently no one had the heart to tell her my boyfriend had broken up with me on my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32998

You deserved it

2822

Favorite

By Anonymous - 29/1/2012 19:10 - United States

Today, my girlfriend started a month-long period of not talking to me. One of her male friends, who is a self-styled astrologist, told her there are "bad omens" in our relationship for the coming weeks. I don't know if I should dump her for being gullible or just plain stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29291

You deserved it

3735

Favorite

By Username - 15/9/2010 18:02 - France

Today, after telling me his other girlfriend is pregnant, my boyfriend said we should stay together so I could help out with the baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54836

You deserved it

4781

Favorite

By motherlover - 5/8/2014 04:40 - United States - Hoffman Estates

Today, my boyfriend laid his head on my bare chest and said, "You're like my mother." FML

I agree, your life sucks

47139

You deserved it

4296

Favorite

By ohray - 11/12/2014 16:09 - Turkey - Kibris

Today, I popped into the shower hoping to come out all warm and clean. Something was very wrong with the pipes, and I came out smelling like sewage instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31375

You deserved it

3094

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By gearhead369 | 20

#6297142 - Thursday 21 May 2015 10:45

And she will never forget you said that either

By James_is_Mexican | 25

#6297145 - Thursday 21 May 2015 10:48

Well I'd say you'd have to talk about the elephant in the room but sounds like you already did...

Comments

By gearhead369 | 20

#6297142 - Thursday 21 May 2015 10:45

And she will never forget you said that either

shemademedoit | 20

#6297788 - Friday 22 May 2015 5:09

no more going over their house

By jeff_boles | 12

#6297143 - Thursday 21 May 2015 10:48

And that's when you say, "...The elephant's outstanding memory is the only trait you have in common with it. That and you're really fat." It fixes everything!