Miscellaneous: Today, I was at my best friend's house, listening to him complain...

By BannedfromFriend - United States

Today, I was at my best friend's house, listening to him complain about his mother remembering all the bad stuff he did when he was in high school. I jokingly said, "An elephant never forgets." Guess who was behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24765

You deserved it

10865

Favorite

Miscellaneous

Late term

QAnon weirdoes

No Gods, No Masters

By roar_shark - Canada

Today, I was driving home from my friend's house and noticed this really cute girl riding her bike. She had an amazing body, beautiful blonde hair and looked like my kind of girl! About 10 minutes after I got home, my sister pulled up. She had just biked home from the hair salon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47200

You deserved it

30051

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Evansville

Today, my girlfriend announced to everyone at dinner that she was no longer a virgin. This was news to everyone: her parents, siblings, best friend, and me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

72712

You deserved it

4867

Favorite

By Brittany - United States

Today, I typed an essay on my friend's computer, so she forwarded it to me in a email and she made the subject "here bitch" as a joke. I then went to email the essay to my teacher. I forwarded it thinking nothing of it only to realize that I didn't change the subject name. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23029

You deserved it

56407

Favorite

By InNeedOfFriends - United States

Today, I got all dressed up, in high heels and a sparkly dress, to sit in the library for most of the night so that my roommate and his friends would believe that I have a social life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38363

You deserved it

19709

Favorite

By imawesome - United States

Today, I wondered if my orgasms are worth the bother, seeing as I get horrible "I feel like I'm dying" cramps every time I climax. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33819

You deserved it

2972

Favorite

By 2classicNot2 - United States

Today, feeling social, I went to a bar. During a trip to the dimly lit restroom, I fixed my makeup, and carefully penciling my sparse eyebrows. After an evening of meeting new people, I went home. In my well-lighted restroom, I discovered that my eyebrow pencil was actually my bright red lip liner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20736

You deserved it

34818

Favorite

By hey-ooo - United States

Today, I was sitting in the cafeteria with my friends when I suddenly passed out due to my hypoglycemia. When I woke up, I discovered that I was still in the same spot and my friends had abandoned me to go to class. Also, my stuff was stolen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46711

You deserved it

2830

Favorite

By beachbirdbait - United States - Savannah

Today, I drove to the beach for an hour to relax before returning to the intense workload of midterms. A kid walking by threw a cracker near me and I was instantly attacked by a group of seagulls. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6505

You deserved it

488

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Arab Emirates

Today, I went out for dinner with some friends to a new restaurant. As I was finishing the soup, I noticed a small curly hair at the bottom of the soup. The chef is bald. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33092

You deserved it

2534

Favorite

By AnRom - United States

Today, I spent five minutes trying to kill a spider with my mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10583

You deserved it

43849

Favorite

By TragicallyAnxious

Today, I had a draft paper due that I hadn’t written yet. I decided to skip the class to avoid embarrassment. Later, I went to change my major and was told to go to room 223 to talk to the English department head. I knocked on the door and the professor whose class I'd skipped answered. FML

I agree, your life sucks

573

You deserved it

2350

Favorite

By ugh mom!

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Today, my ridiculously paranoid mom was almost arrested after she caused a huge scene outside her apartment's leasing office. She demanded to pay her rent with a money order, even though they’re only accepting online payments due to the quarantine. She thinks they’re trying to steal her information. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1781

You deserved it

175

Favorite

By CivE - United States

Today, I started work as the head engineer for a big civil engineering project. I met the rest of my team, in particular the environmental engineer who I'll need to get along with the most. As it turns out, I took her virginity when we were freshmen in college. She still thinks I'm an asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13957

You deserved it

38119

Favorite

By Time for a haircut - United States

Today, I was getting out of my car, when my new neighbor asked if I'd help him unhitch a trailer. On my way over, he said, "Oh never mind, I thought you were a boy." I am a boy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50776

You deserved it

7046

Favorite

By Thefaller

Today, I went to my first university party already a little drunk. I perched on the end of a table to cool off from the dancing and the whole table tipped over and dumped me onto the floor. I was promptly laughed out of the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1362

You deserved it

811

Favorite

By fataldisease - France

Today, my son laughed at me when I tried to get him to put a bit more effort into his schoolwork. His grandmother had kindly given him all my shitty school reports from when I was his age. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25939

You deserved it

7524

Favorite

By Sarahir

Classic Dave

Today, I walked in on my husband masturbating into the kitchen sink. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1986

You deserved it

340

Favorite

By Bill Mantie - 18/4/2021 02:00

Turntables

Today, after months of successfully taking strides to boost my long diminished libido, I found out my girlfriend, who always had a healthy sex drive, has now lost hers. Oh, how the tables have turned. FML

I agree, your life sucks

883

You deserved it

100

Favorite

By TabbiNicole - United States

Today, I had a woman accuse me of trying to steal her husband over the phone, just because I called and asked for him. I'm an interviewer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31729

You deserved it

2785

Favorite

By fml9124

Not now!

Today, the best manager I've ever had told me she was leaving to take a job at another company. I just found out my new manager is a guy that has destroyed three different departments in three years. He's the owner's nephew or something. I do not want to be looking for a new job during the Covid-19 pandemic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1712

You deserved it

108

Favorite

By Gutted. - United Kingdom

Today, after a hard day's work and emotional argument with my best friend, I sent my boyfriend a text telling him how much I loved him and cherished him in the hopes he would cheer me up with a romantic reply. He said "Sorry, I've only got 8 texts left." FML

I agree, your life sucks

57234

You deserved it

6760

Favorite

By anonymous - Luxembourg

Today, my roommate remembered that we have an essay due Monday, so he wrote the full essay, while stoned, in less than an hour, without using his textbook. It was better than the one I spent all week writing. He is now upstairs having sex, and I've lost all motivation. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28885

You deserved it

2862

Favorite

By wow - United States

Today, I took a massive dump at work and clogged the industrial toilet. Since I used the unisex one at the end of the hall, I watched my super hot coworker walk in after me. And then she ran out immediately. Everyone had seen me walk out before her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19393

You deserved it

36645

Favorite

By Laura - Paraguay

What's my name?

Today, as they have for the past three years, my boyfriend's parents have never called me by my actual name. They always "accidentally" call me by my boyfriend's ex's name. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1718

You deserved it

107

Favorite

By Girlygal32 - 13/9/2020 08:02 - United States

Contagion

Today, my mother chewed me out for not wearing deodorant and smelling of B.O. I was wearing plenty of deodorant. My shirt just smelled like my boyfriend, whom I'd been cuddling with earlier. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1003

You deserved it

466

Favorite

By Benji - France

Today, my 19 year old girlfriend dumped me because she thinks I'm immature. I'm 30. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10503

You deserved it

65116

Favorite

By NorwegianMadman

Today, nearly Christmas, my dad got mad because I don't have enough money for holiday festivities. I can't afford things because I haven't gotten my paycheck yet. I work for my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7602

You deserved it

467

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I got roped into a volunteering thing at the last minute. I was waiting outside with all these kids who looked hungry. Feeling bad, I passed around crisps and cookies. Turns out we were at a convention to promote healthy eating in malnourished children. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33522

You deserved it

6080

Favorite

By Maxime - France - Paris

Today, I called a company for a problem with our septic tank. Two workers show up, I take them into the garden to show them the manhole cover at the top of it. They open it up. We then gaze upon a sea of condoms floating on the surface. My wife and I don't use condoms. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59082

You deserved it

4466

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I had to remove a splinter from one of my roommates. This would have been better if the splinter wasn't deeply lodged in their asscheek. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4713

You deserved it

375

Favorite

By MdT - South Africa

Today, my family returned from a holiday in Egypt. A holiday that I really wanted to spend with them. As if leaving me behind wasn't bad enough, they then made me watch a 200 picture slideshow of how much fun they had. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49701

You deserved it

3679

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Spokane

Today, I went down on my boyfriend, and tried out a new trick I learned. I read in a magazine that if you hum while giving oral, it's supposed to feel good. My boyfriend started laughing and told me to stop after 30 seconds because I reminded him of his singing toothbrush. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55579

You deserved it

10385

Favorite

By - Canada - Calgary

Today, I learned where my mom's "special hiding spot" that I'll "never find" for the Halloween chocolate is, when I preheated the oven to make cookies. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45574

You deserved it

4591

Favorite

By verysadasian - United States

Today, my friends and I decided to compare dick sizes one by one. I was last and I was the smallest. I was also the only Asian amongst my friends. They now call me "the stereotype". FML

I agree, your life sucks

46473

You deserved it

29164

Favorite

By grossed out - United States - Mount Prospect

Today, I was at my aunt and uncle's house. I went to the bathroom and after I washed my hands, I took a Q-tip out of the carton to clean my ears. When I reached for a second one, I noticed that every Q-tip in the carton was actually already used. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50159

You deserved it

8227

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Sioux City

Today, I had a babysitting job. When I got there, the parents were rushing out the door and told me they'd left instructions for the kids on the table. The first bullet point stated that the oldest was convinced she is possessed by the devil, but just to ignore it. Three more hours to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30833

You deserved it

1989

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Rochester

Today, my 12-year-old daughter informed me that she is eager to lose her virginity, "Because I don't want to be thrown into a volcano!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

36737

You deserved it

4076

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband and I have been trying to buy a house and start a family together. Now I find out that he just spent $5000 on comic books. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33194

You deserved it

4477

Favorite

By SBCR - United States - Ankeny

Thanks for the input

Today, my best friend announced she was getting married. I've always wanted to be a bridesmaid but she then added, "You can't be in the bridal party because you don't have the same body type as the other bridesmaids. But you can still come to the bachelorette party!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

35355

You deserved it

2980

Favorite

By Rebecca c - 23/3/2021 08:01

Nice neighborhood

Today, I had to clean up human poop that someone trailed through the store. Then, as I was cleaning up all the shelves at the end of the day, I saw that someone had changed their sanitary pad, took a new one out of the packed and used it, then left the used one on the shelf. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1204

You deserved it

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By gearhead369 | 20

#6297142 - Thursday 21 May 2015 10:45

And she will never forget you said that either

By James_is_Mexican | 25

#6297145 - Thursday 21 May 2015 10:48

Well I'd say you'd have to talk about the elephant in the room but sounds like you already did...

COMMENTS

By gearhead369 | 20

#6297142 - Thursday 21 May 2015 10:45

And she will never forget you said that either

shemademedoit | 20

#6297788 - Friday 22 May 2015 5:09

no more going over their house

By jeff_boles | 12

#6297143 - Thursday 21 May 2015 10:48

And that's when you say, "...The elephant's outstanding memory is the only trait you have in common with it. That and you're really fat." It fixes everything!