Love: Today, I tried to impress my wife by doing a bunch of push-ups,... - FML

20/02/2012 17:36 - United States

Today, I tried to impress my wife by doing a bunch of push-ups, despite having a bad shoulder. She told me my form sucks and that I'm an idiot. Now I can barely move my arm and I'm going to have to get it fixed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 629

You deserved it 34 797

Best teeth in the game

Sticky situation

Noise annoys

31/12/2010 01:53 - United States

Today, instead of watching a movie like a normal family, we performed random acts of kindness by handing out roses to total strangers in the freezing cold. No one would take them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 496

You deserved it 6 132

Keep fit!

By anonymous - 13/04/2020 02:00

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I were on the phone. She heard I was out of breath and asked me, "Are you okay?" I didn't have the heart to tell her that she'd caught me masturbating, and I'm so out of shape it sounded like I'd ran a marathon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 237

You deserved it 1 343

23/02/2011 02:51 - United States

Today, my sister and I had a bonding moment. It consisted of me plucking her chin hairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 910

You deserved it 5 574

Get a load of this nerd!

By Igballoon2 - 23/04/2020 14:00

Today, I was told that school was cancelled for the rest of the year. School is/was my one place of escape, and the only distraction in my life. It's now not going to be an escape until September. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 687

You deserved it 253

02/05/2019 04:00

Today, I found out just how much of a psychotically insecure nitwit my boyfriend is. He flew into a screaming rage that I was only adding cucumbers to my water and my meals lately to insinuate that he has a small penis. Yeah, I’m confused too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 406

You deserved it 223

19/04/2016 19:15 - United States

Today, I let my little sister play a game using my Facebook account. She then accepted all of the people that had sent me a friend request. Among them included my boyfriend's crazy ex, and 3 people I've never met. Now I'm getting strange messages from all of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 209

You deserved it 5 006

29/05/2009 01:32 - United States

Today, I returned to my apartment to find everything reduced to ashes, hidden in black clouds of smoke. Turns out there was a blackout, and my fiancé lit a candle on top of a stack of all our wedding papers. When he smelled the smoke, he got hungry for a taco and left instead of calling 911. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 656

You deserved it 5 683

03/07/2018 20:30

Today, my boss told me to sort and file all the paperwork he'd been randomly shoving into boxes since 2010. Apparently we're being audited, so he expects me to do eight years of filing in two weeks. There's enough paper to fully stock a large public library. Two weeks my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 012

You deserved it 272

01/10/2011 14:18 - United States

Today, I used a public restroom with very shiny floors. So shiny, in fact, that I could see a clear reflection of the person in the next stall. I'm pretty sure they could see me too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 675

You deserved it 2 999

23/10/2009 15:54 - United States

Today, I had to remind my roommates of the importance of wearing clothing at all times in the common living area. My roommates are my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 247

You deserved it 6 044

18/01/2010 20:12 - United States

Today, I bought a fake "wedding ring" at Target to play a prank on my parents. They kicked me out, saying my "fiancé" can take care of me now. There is no fiancé, and I just lost my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 090

You deserved it 42 940

28/06/2010 08:12 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were messing around. When he slipped his hand down my pants, he scratched my pubic hair and said "scruffy, scruffy, scruffy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 760

You deserved it 37 342

22/01/2013 11:14 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was cleaning at work when an elderly gentleman walked towards me, paused, and with a wink said, "That's what I like to see: a girl on her knees." This is the same workplace where another old man informed me that my yellow uniform made me look like a "suggestive cheesecake." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 068

You deserved it 2 988

25/12/2016 10:05

Today I broke my glasses beyond repair. I am very nearly legally blind. I get my glasses at Walmart and today, Christmas, is the only day out of the entire year that they are closed. Merry Christmas to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 500

You deserved it 1 027

09/12/2010 02:21 - United States

Today, I was Rizzo in a production of Grease. I sang a line about needing a ring. I've been able to put up my left ring finger for every rehearsal, but today I put up the one next to it. I flipped off the audience. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 529

You deserved it 24 172

For better and for worse

By Anonymous - 25/08/2021 20:01

Today, my husband decided he was finally going to quit his job. We literally bought a house last week. His job is/was easy, with pay way above his qualifications. After we'd talked about it FOR THE 50TH TIME, he did the opposite and texted the dept. head that he hates the company and wants to be part time at most. FML

I agree, your life sucks 954

You deserved it 104

Recycle this!

By Anonymous - 07/05/2021 00:01

Today, I ordered and paid for a compost bin to be emptied in addition to the garbage. Turns out most of what I wanted to put in there – although perfectly compostable – is not allowed in the bin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 696

You deserved it 140

When the cat's away…

By F*ckyouRoss - 06/03/2021 20:30 - Brazil - Sao Paulo

Spicy

Today, I went back home after a break with my live-in boyfriend. I had to spend some time at my distant father's place in another city until we talked it over, and he asked me to come back. I guess he should have mentioned he'd had sex with someone else before I came back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 988

You deserved it 232

06/08/2019 12:00

Spicy

Today, multiple people informed my girlfriend that I’m cheating on her. I’m not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 848

You deserved it 102

02/02/2011 05:57 - United States

Today, while in my room sleeping, my little brother deemed it necessary to come in and drop a book on my face. When I sat up with a now bloody nose, he looked at me, pointed, and said "You've just been facebooked" and ran away giggling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 763

You deserved it 8 464

04/06/2015 01:59 - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, my District Manager was impressed by all the appointments in my upcoming calendar. Bubbling with pride, I blurted out "Oh, I just love to have all my slots filled!" The awkward silence was only broken by "That's what she said!" from the next cubicle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 416

You deserved it 5 658

22/01/2015 22:36 - United States - Milford

Today, while breast feeding my 7 month old before his nap, I hummed his favorite song as I rocked. He pulled away, stared at me, and cried til I shut up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 823

You deserved it 5 091

09/01/2010 10:12 - Australia

Today, I got hit in the face with a piece of bacon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 303

You deserved it 34 697

20/08/2009 14:17 - United States

Today, my little sister thought it'd be cool to pierce my nose while I was asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 393

You deserved it 3 968

12/11/2010 00:41 - United States

Today, I was with my boyfriend and we were in his car when he burst out crying, I thought it might have been because we had gotten into a huge fight and he felt bad. No, he cried on my shoulder for a half hour because he misses his ex-girlfriend. He's been writing songs about wanting her back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 474

You deserved it 3 948

Dreams Never End

By Anonymous - 16/09/2020 13:32 - India - Vijayawada

Today, I finally convinced my mother to allow me pursue my dream job after months of begging. I logged in to the college's website to register for the course and found that the final seat had been filled in today and I need to wait one more year for admission. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 267

You deserved it 314

25/11/2011 16:24 - United States

Today, I was woken up at 6am to the sound of my mother on the back deck of the house hooting like an owl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 047

You deserved it 2 473

17/12/2013 05:02 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I discovered my mom has been using my credit card to buy everyone's Christmas presents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 982

You deserved it 3 700

09/12/2016 09:02

Today, I found out why my biology class TA, who takes the class alongside the other students, was always so eager to collect my work. Turns out, she's been erasing my name on my papers and writing hers in all semester. My failing final grade has already been finalized. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 387

You deserved it 957

08/11/2014 17:24 - United States - Newtown

Today, I was at my friend's Bar Mitzvah. After he finished his long-winded speech, I sarcastically did the mockingjay sign from the Hunger Games. It took a couple of seconds before I realized how that looked, and a couple more for me to be shouted down and kicked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 580

You deserved it 34 807

29/07/2016 01:04

Today, I got my report card. My teacher gave me an F, and under class comments she gave me a U for unsatisfactory. So I got an F U from my teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 149

You deserved it 5 929

14/04/2014 01:32 - United States - Gilbert

Today, I was walking around school alone and felt someone tap my back. I laughed and turned around to find no one was there. I felt confused when I felt the tapping again, which is when I chose to yell at the nearest person, "What?!" I later found out it was a bottle in my backpack tapping me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 734

You deserved it 12 427

21/01/2012 00:29 - United States

Spicy

Today, the vibrator I ordered online was delivered. I'd paid extra to make sure it would be here before the weekend, so I could sneak it into my room while everyone was gone. My dad decided to stay home all day and answer the door ahead of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 626

You deserved it 9 285

31/12/2009 09:31 - United States

Today, after I got in my car in the Walmart parking lot, a creepy man knocked on my window. Since I'm incredibly paranoid and scare easily, I put my car in gear and tore out of there, accidentally hitting another car. Apparently he was returning my phone that I dropped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 914

You deserved it 40 107

26/01/2012 14:49 - Australia

Today, my family had dinner with my future in-laws for the first time. After a bottle of wine to herself, my mother loudly insisted that I'm out of her will. Apparently, I "molest towels" and leave them to "fester for days" in my "den of depravity". I'm sure they'll give me their daughter now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 342

You deserved it 3 262

22/12/2009 03:28 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found out where all my expensive bras and panties have been disappearing to. Apparently, while I'm at work, my fifteen year-old son's girlfriend has been stealing them after they have sex in my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 163

You deserved it 3 432

06/03/2012 08:57 - Netherlands

Today, I got up at 4:30 am, went to my job as the newspaper guy. Nobody was there to open the door, it was raining and I was freezing. I decided to wait, because I really wanted my salary. At 6 o'clock my boss opens the door and says, "Oh, it's you. Well, you're fired. We can't pay you anymore." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 215

You deserved it 2 057

Fucking Facebook memories

By Anonymous - 19/09/2020 23:03 - Canada

Today, Facebook showed me pictures from five years of a happy time I had traveling with a boyfriend, who later ended our 8-year relationship by telling me he had gotten an apartment and furniture in secret, and was moving out. No warning, no reason, no explanation. He never spoke to me again. I loved him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 730

You deserved it 187

21/04/2009 05:42 - United States

Today, I told my morbidly obese teacher that he had mustard on his chin. He tried to wipe it off and I said without thinking "No, your other chin." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 301

You deserved it 101 060

09/07/2009 17:50 - Malaysia

Spicy

Today, I was working at the gas station. An old lady was watching me fill her gas tank. A really beautiful girl walked by. I lost concentration and overfilled the tank. I quickly pulled it out and squirted the old lady with a bit of petrol. She was smiling and gave a slight moan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 167

You deserved it 14 199

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Top comments

aquaeyedsiren 0

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Tuesday 21 February 2012 1:52

dude, she's your wife... she doesn't give two shots about how many pushups you can do... esp with a bad shoulder. next time either try phenomenal sex or just do the Damn dishes

unicornsglitter 0

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Tuesday 21 February 2012 1:49

We Never win.

Comments

androiddestroya 7

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Tuesday 21 February 2012 1:48

oh.... man that's a low blow :| sorry OP

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Tuesday 21 February 2012 2:04

OP, you probably should have waited until your arm healed before you tried to 'impress' anybody.

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Tuesday 21 February 2012 2:06

Maybe he was trying to show off that he can do these things while hurt

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Tuesday 21 February 2012 2:14

98....99...1000...see honey???!!!

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Tuesday 21 February 2012 3:05

Well did you get a low blow at least? Or was it a complete waste of time?

MagicallyFat 12

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Tuesday 21 February 2012 7:07

Dude you married her you don't have to impress her anymore

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Tuesday 21 February 2012 7:27

Push-ups only impress men. Push-up bras that is. I'm here all week.

22cute 17

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Tuesday 21 February 2012 23:35

Try impressing her with good judgment. Or good hygiene. Or good manners. Or even good gifts. That crap only impresses other men.

EmilyShmemily496 0

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Tuesday 21 February 2012 23:40

Your wife's a bitch!

unicornsglitter 0

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Tuesday 21 February 2012 1:49

We Never win.

thiscrazything 1

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Tuesday 21 February 2012 2:09

Maybe it would help if you stopped doing stupid things......

LivingProdigy 0

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Tuesday 21 February 2012 2:16

True story

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Tuesday 21 February 2012 2:58

I won once. A women told me that there was no way in hell that I could be any dumber. I proved that bitch wrong!

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Tuesday 21 February 2012 3:57

True dat

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Tuesday 21 February 2012 4:30

38 - I am intrigued. Tell me how you accomplished this feat! (No sarcasm, I really am curious).

xxCandyKissxx 1

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Tuesday 21 February 2012 1:49

Aw well, No offense but that was kinda stupid if your crippled :/

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Tuesday 21 February 2012 2:13

Give the guy a break,he is just trying to impress his woman. Many guys try their hardest to impress their wife/girlfriend, and all some girls do is bitch and put them down. This FML is a prime example

xxCandyKissxx 1

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Tuesday 21 February 2012 2:45

Yah I know, but he's got a messed up shoulder..it's just common sense

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Tuesday 21 February 2012 5:00

You'd understand if you were a guy

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Tuesday 21 February 2012 5:40

No one is saying don't try to impress your woman... but you guys have it all wrong. We don't want to see you doing push ups, we want to see you taking out the trash or cleaning up the living room. That's impressive.

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Tuesday 21 February 2012 6:10

I personally understand why, but that doesn't make it good for them if they've got a bad shoulder.

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Tuesday 21 February 2012 1:51

Your wife needs to be upgraded.

yummy_richkid 3

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Tuesday 21 February 2012 2:04

Pfft, her husband needs to be upgraded.

msilikegrapes 8

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Tuesday 21 February 2012 3:43

I read this comment right when i was listening to the song "upgrade you"

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Tuesday 21 February 2012 5:39

Pimp your Bitch airs on MTV in the fall of 2012.

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Tuesday 21 February 2012 7:38

64- wtf...

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Tuesday 21 February 2012 8:25

Into a cyberman?

aquaeyedsiren 0

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Tuesday 21 February 2012 1:52

dude, she's your wife... she doesn't give two shots about how many pushups you can do... esp with a bad shoulder. next time either try phenomenal sex or just do the Damn dishes

Send a private message

Tuesday 21 February 2012 3:32

Take the garbage out. Bitches love when you take the garbage out. It's like a turn on.

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Tuesday 21 February 2012 5:02

Fail.

bkina 0

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Tuesday 21 February 2012 16:01

Hahah that's right just do the damn dishes is quite macho trying to impress ur wife with pushups lmao.. Clean up the house without her asking that would impress her

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Tuesday 21 February 2012 1:54

Don't try to impress your wife? Maybe learn to cook if you want to impress...

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Tuesday 21 February 2012 1:56

Why did the period at the end go to a different comment...

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Tuesday 21 February 2012 1:54

.

hzlzkgzkgzchxuxh 3

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Tuesday 21 February 2012 1:55

Y do u need to impress ur married.

KeyboardWarrior 10

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Tuesday 21 February 2012 1:56

Y do u need talk lik dis u go schol?

silvercamaro 22

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Tuesday 21 February 2012 5:01

So what? All the romance ends once you get back from the honeymoon? I hate when people think like that. "ok well she's mine now so I don't have to do jack shit now for my girl." Guys like that don't deserve the woman they're with.

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Tuesday 21 February 2012 8:30

Woah, chill. I hate people too, don't worry.

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Tuesday 21 February 2012 1:59

Usually if an FML begins with "I tried" or I thought" it's a YDI

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Tuesday 21 February 2012 2:04

To all you kids asking or wondering why men need to impress their wives, it's the same reason they still put on makeup when we go out - just because you're in a committed relationship doesn't mean you get to give up and become a slob. That's called being "complacent", and it's a great way to poison a marriage.

buck33 14

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Tuesday 21 February 2012 6:39

Smartest person on FML.

flea_of_death 23

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Tuesday 21 February 2012 7:59

Well...I dunno about you, but my boyfriend doesn't have to do things to impress me...small little texts with a cute message make me quite happy...or maybe I'm just weird XD but I've always thought it's silly to try to impress someone with looks/physical characteristics...*is trying not to go on a long, tired tangent*

imepelepticsir 5

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Wednesday 22 February 2012 11:40

92, yea but you two aint married.

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 134

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 458

You deserved it 118

Today, for the first time I had to lie to the man I intend to marry, because I had a very intense and hot dream about Leslie Nielsen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 450

You deserved it 136