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Friday 17 January 2014

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Today, there was a forest fire in my town. I was still forced to go to school, as it was safer. A lot of people decided not to go, and we ended up doing nothing but watching the news reports. There, I got to see my house burning on live TV. FML

by Fire sucks. / 01/16/2014 at 10:42pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my younger brother asked if he could watch me put a tampon in. He's 17. FML

by ugh / 01/16/2014 at 8:37am / Vietnam (Ha Noi) / Intimacy

Today, my husband and I are sick. He keeps whining about how bad he feels. I'm just as sick, as well as 7 months pregnant. I've not only been taking care of his whiny ass: I've cooked, cleaned, and gone to the store several times because the tissues we had were too rough on his nose. FML

by AnonWife / 01/21/2014 at 8:16pm / United Kingdom (North Lincolnshire) / Health

Today, I found out that whenever my ex-wife is late getting the kids to school, she tells them to tell their teachers they were with me, and forges my name on the sign-in sheet. Missing homework? Dad's house. Forgot to bring something important? Ditto. The school thinks I'm a horrible parent. FML

by OvertonHippie / 01/13/2014 at 7:09am / United States (Mississippi) / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, as if having to endure the noises of my parents having sex in the next room wasn't painful enough, my mom decided to shout, "Yeah! Like a horse!" I want to cry. FML

by DisturbedMan / 01/15/2014 at 5:29pm / United Kingdom (Kent) / Intimacy

Today, my students unanimously agreed, in front of me, that the only reason they take my course is to look at my ass. FML

by jseid2 / 01/15/2014 at 12:54am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex. After a while, he started staring at my lady parts, and said my "vag looks like a mockingjay". He then stretched the lips apart like wings and made little "CA-CAW CA-CAW!" sounds. FML

by Goodyear / 01/19/2014 at 10:59pm / United States (Arizona) / Intimacy

Today, my family and I were having turkey for dinner. My boyfriend leaned in towards me and muttered, "I'll stuff your turkey later". Everyone heard and the whole room went dead silent. FML

by gimmeafknbreak / 01/17/2014 at 6:59pm / United States (New Mexico) / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my dad and I got royally bitched out by my mother, because she found a bill for a porn site subscription, which was paid by my dad, but made out to my name. I had no idea about any of this, but she now thinks I'm a filthy porn addict and that my dad is an enabler. FML

by Anonymous / 01/14/2014 at 3:09pm / Denmark (Hovedstaden) / Intimacy

Today, my wife and I were watching a football game. While someone was about to score, she started screaming, "Go!" and "Come on! You can do it! Go baby, go!" My first thought was that I wished I could still make her scream like that. FML

by Anonymous / 01/13/2014 at 2:48pm / United States (Tennessee) / Intimacy

Today, my plans for having sex with my girlfriend were thwarted for the sixth time in a row by my own mother. I found out later that she's been reading my texts so she knew when to drop by and ruin everything. FML

by MM / 01/21/2014 at 6:26pm / United States (Maine) / Intimacy

Today, my 7-year-old daughter made a new game: hitting me in the groin when I'm not expecting it. She hunts me in the house, hides around corners, and behind furniture to ambush me. She'll even do it if she catches me napping. I'm a grown man living in fear of a little girl. FML

by Anonymous / 01/16/2014 at 12:57pm / United States (Oregon) / Kids

Today, my boyfriend took a day off from work because he felt "sick". I thought he might come see me since he hadn't come over in a while. Nope, he went to hang out with his ex instead. FML

by yes i meant ex-boyfriend / 01/18/2014 at 4:09pm / United Kingdom (Derby) / Love