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Monday 6 January 2014

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, my lips were dry and chapped, so I asked if I could use some of my friend's chapstick. She didn't mind, so I quickly put some on. Only later did I notice that my lips were sparkly. Turns out it was glitter balm. Now everyone calls me "princess." FML

#21021931
115 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41241) - you deserved it (12902)

On 01/08/2014 at 10:23pm - misc - by chapstick (man) - United States (California)

Today, I found a great recipe for dinner, and emailed it to myself with the subject "Dinner tonight". Hours later, I'd forgotten all about it, opened my emails, saw the subject line, and thought someone was asking me out to dinner. I got really excited until I saw the sender address. FML

#21019190
53 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46586) - you deserved it (14602)

On 01/06/2014 at 3:57pm - misc - by Mels (woman) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, my new neighbor asked if I could keep my dog from yapping during the evenings, because it kept him awake last night. I don't have a dog, but I apologized anyway. I didn't have the heart to admit that those are the sounds my girlfriend makes during sex. FML

#21023843
92 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49293) - you deserved it (7611)

On 01/10/2014 at 7:24pm - intimacy - by lukas (man) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I used the restroom at a mall. I thought I was alone, so I started singing. When I got out of the stall, there were men staring at me. Not only did I embarrass myself with my own singing, I'd accidentally used the men's restroom too. FML

#21024837
86 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43939) - you deserved it (21915)

On 01/11/2014 at 7:26pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Arizona)

Today, I went to the doctor, only to find out I can no longer eat chocolate, my favorite food. When I got home, my boyfriend took the chocolate cake I'd been eating from the fridge, sat down in front of me, and ate the whole thing without breaking eye contact. FML

#21025897
160 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53924) - you deserved it (6757)

On 01/12/2014 at 8:00pm - health - by foreveralone - United States (Illinois)

Today, I lost a bet with my grandma, and now she's coming with me on my next date. FML

#21020870
86 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36350) - you deserved it (32630)

On 01/07/2014 at 11:21pm - love - by Anonymous - United States (Maryland)

Today, I'm trapped in my apartment, due to the fact that five raccoons have decided to sit outside my only door and prevent me from getting out. Every time I look at one, they hiss at me. FML

#21023350
150 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44212) - you deserved it (5438)

On 01/10/2014 at 6:15am - animals - by RaccoonFever - United States (California)

Today, I was asked to go to a ball by the guy I like. The theme is masquerade. He made me a Robin mask; he's wearing a Batman mask. FML

#21021762
97 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39530) - you deserved it (11040)

On 01/08/2014 at 7:54pm - love - by Unfortunately Me (woman) - United States (California)

Today, my fiancé texted me, saying he'd been masturbating to pictures of me. I told him that I couldn't wait to get home and take care of him. He replied, "Nah, don't bother, I got this." Now I'm horny and sad. FML

#21022453
107 comments

I agree, your life sucks (61005) - you deserved it (7340)

On 01/09/2014 at 12:59pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Missouri)

Today, my mom tried giving me the sex talk. Her version of "the talk" consisted of making me watch videos of guys jacking off and reassuring me that "it's natural." FML

#21022635
111 comments

I agree, your life sucks (52654) - you deserved it (4771)

On 01/09/2014 at 4:48pm - intimacy - by ReallyMom - United States (Wisconsin)

Today, I realised after showering that I didn't have a towel, so I thought I would risk a naked dash to my brother's room to steal one of his. He and his friend were in the room and both agreed that I needed a "trim". FML

#21019082
136 comments

I agree, your life sucks (52130) - you deserved it (21746)

On 01/06/2014 at 1:59pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - South Africa

Today, I joined my friends out birthday clubbing. After I'd gotten a little drunk, a few guys asked for my number. I rattled off random numbers, until I accidentally said my mother's. Guess who woke up to a text at 2:17 in the morning, containing a picture of a penis. FML

#21022033
84 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27044) - you deserved it (35253)

On 01/08/2014 at 7:53pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (South Carolina)

Today, I joked with a pregnant girl in a state juvenile correctional facility where I work that eating a lot of candy would damage the unborn baby's teeth. Without batting an eye, she responded that she would simply "eat some toothpaste after the candy." FML



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