Today, I rushed onto the metro to get to work. I found there...

By nobodywasthere - 12/9/2017 01:30

Today, I rushed onto the metro to get to work. I found there were no seats left and asked a perfectly healthy guy to let me sit in the handicap spot. He refused to because "being tired" was a handicap characteristic. I have one leg. FML

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Transportation

Big baby man

Call CPS!

Age ain't nothing but a number

By Wally - 4/1/2010 17:52 - Mexico

Today, I'm in Mexico and am supposed to be skydiving for my Christmas gift. Instead, I'm coming out of the hospital with x-rays, an ankle splint, and a $800 bill because I fell on the bottom step of a flight of stairs. FML

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By lynn - 17/2/2010 06:30 - United States

Today, I found out my cousin - who suffers from bipolar disorder - shot herself in the chest and has only a 20 percent chance of living. I told my boyfriend, while crying, and he held me for a few minutes. As soon as I got quiet, he pulled out his iPhone and started playing a shooter game. FML

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By Luna - 22/7/2012 02:30 - United States - Carmel

Today, I found a tick half-buried in my nipple. FML

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By catwithwatermelononhead - 21/1/2018 19:00

The gift that keeps not arriving...

Today, the $800, large capacity, professional carpet steam cleaner my husband supposedly bought me for Christmas got "lost in the mail". So did the refund. FML

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By halloweenless - 1/11/2010 13:14 - United States

Today, I spent over $160 and 2 hours preparing for a Halloween party I was throwing. The only person who showed up was my sister, who helped me decorate. FML

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By gorillalove - 11/9/2010 19:25 - United States

Today, I went to a zoo that had a gorilla in a cage. I walked up, and the gorilla stopped what he was doing, looked me in the eyes, and started jacking off. FML

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By Brinty - 24/10/2009 04:26 - Australia

Today, I found my brand new tropical fish dead in its tank because my boyfriend got drunk last night and decided to pour red wine into the aquarium. FML

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By tailgaterhater - 17/8/2009 04:44 - United States

Today, a girl was tailgating me, even though I was going at speed limit. Annoyed, I drove 10 mph under the speed limit, and every time she honked, I went 5mph slower. Too bad she got the last laugh... I was pulled over for "reckless driving." FML

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By moreliketurdmart - 3/6/2013 16:48 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, at the supermarket, a guy started yelling at me for staring at his "woman." She frankly looked like someone had carved Mick Jagger's face into a turd. When I told him I have better things to do than ogle random women, he started harassing me for being "a queer." FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2010 20:39 - Denmark

Today, my dad borrowed my new iPad to amuse him while he was in the shower without my knowledge. The iPad is now completely ruined, and my dad is refusing to buy me a new one. He says, "How was I to know that it wasn't waterproof?" FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2014 14:27 - United States - Plymouth

Today, I found out that the squeaking I've heard for the past three months, that I thought was my guinea pig, is actually my girlfriend cheating on me with my older brother. FML

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By Anon - 21/4/2009 18:21 - United States

Today, I finally exchanged pictures with the woman I've been seeing online for some time now. She replied, saying "Thats not funny. Some people actually look like that." I sent my real picture, and thought I actually looked pretty good in it. FML

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By checkthelabel - 26/4/2016 00:00 - United States - Fremont

Today, I had a throbbing cluster headache. It didn't help matters when an angry customer yelled at me because a dress was "defective." Why was it defective? It didn't fit her. Why didn't it fit her? It was the wrong size. FML

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By edible - 20/5/2009 20:01 - United States

Today, I decided to surprise my girlfriend and sent her an Edible Arrangement. When she called to tell me she had gotten it, she was more excited about the cute boy who delivered it than she was about the fruit bouquet. FML

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By MysticSoup - 21/4/2019 22:00 - United States - Carthage

Today, I asked my doctor out on a date. He had his nurse turn me down. FML

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By Chubs - 29/3/2009 12:32 - Norway

Today, I was playing with my kid cousin outside. It was warm, so I was wearing my new bikini, and felt pretty good about myself. She suddenly turns to me and asks: "How come your tits are so small when you have such a big belly?" FML

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By StillAVirgin - 17/10/2016 15:23 - Denmark

Today, my boyfriend said, "One day I'll tell my children how I met you. I mean, our children." It's pretty cute, except for the fact that we're 17 and have been dating for only two weeks. FML

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By Sad - 1/3/2009 09:08 - United States

Today, I was typing up a love letter on my computer. A sexual love letter. I was in a classroom, I'm the teacher, I'm gay, and my love letter showed up on the tv screen while my 7th grade students were taking a test. It was up on the screen for 15 minutes. FML

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By kdriver - 12/9/2016 14:44 - Canada - Oakville

Today, I'm fostering a very shy cat who doesn't like to be held. I had to move the litter box to another room, but when I picked him up to show him where I'd moved it to, he peed on me. FML

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By Lovenotes - 17/10/2009 23:05 - United States

Today, my secret crush, who sits next to me in Bio, asked if he could borrow my notes. I agreed. It was only after he drove away, with my notebook, that I realized that in the back of my notes, I had written his name 100 times, surrounded by little hearts. FML

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By Nathanael Johnson - 4/8/2019 08:00 - Australia

Today, after a fun movie night, I found a note on my fridge saying, “It was delicious.” I don’t know what it is referring to, since nothing is missing and we didn’t eat anything during the movie. FML

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By bibobobonnor - 28/9/2010 04:40 - Canada

Today, my dad gave me a football signed by my favourite football player. It would've been great, except that I saw my dad sign it in front of me. The worst part is that he denies doing it. FML

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By Pizzaguy - 2/8/2012 16:22 - United States - Dundee

Today, I got a call from my manager saying that I won't need to work this weekend. Too bad I already cancelled a family vacation because he threatened to fire me if I didn't work this weekend. FML

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By Meowit - 7/9/2014 03:06 - United States - Livonia

Today, it's my birthday, and everyone, family and friends, forgot. Except my dog who left me a present on my bed. FML

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By helpme - 25/9/2015 13:46 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I wrote my boyfriend a love letter during class and told him to read it when he got home. He texted me later asking me why I gave him my school assignment. I must have handed the love letter in to my teacher. FML

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By great - 10/2/2012 21:33 - United States

Today, I sat in my boss' office as he bitched me out for being "too sarcastic" to our customers. After nearly half an hour of him criticizing my "piss-poor attitude," he asked me what I was going to do to fix it. Without thinking, I said, "Your mom." Now I'm jobless again. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/6/2013 19:41 - United States - Chicago Ridge

Today, a girl from my college, who's been following me around for months, finally asked me out. Not being interested, I politely declined. Now she's convinced everyone that we hooked up and that I have an incredibly small penis. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2012 05:45 - United States

Today, it's our third anniversary. After a candlelit dinner and a midnight boat ride, my wife turned down sex, because "it's too cliché." FML

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By snitcheyes - 9/11/2010 16:00 - United States

Today, I was called 15 times by a "good redneck boy" that my Mom is trying to set me up with. He has called me at least 5 times a day for the past week. My Mom is still encouraging him to call. I had to unplug the phone because I feel stalked in my own dorm. FML

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By Professional_Ars - 14/10/2018 14:00

Today, the coworker I have a crush on left halfway through the busiest shift of the week, and now I have to work it alone. I eventually found out that she left to go on a date with her new boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2010 19:41 - United States

Today, I was dissecting a pig for my anatomy class. The smell of four day-old dead pig caused me to faint. My mom drove me home and warmed me up some left overs for lunch. It was pork chops. FML

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By inpain - 17/3/2016 04:56 - United States - San Francisco

Today, in my self-defense class, we did an attack simulation. As I began to hit my attacker, my fist hit the top of his helmet, dislocating my shoulder. I then spent the next hour in the ER sobbing until it was popped back in. I need to learn to defend myself against myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2012 07:35 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I mowed over a bird while mowing the lawn. It wasn't dead, so I had to mow over it a second time to put it out of its misery. Now there are pieces of dead bird all over my lawn and I can't sleep. FML

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By Robert - 31/12/2018 09:00 - United States - Anchorage

Today, a brief survey of everyone I know revealed that everyone, including my parents, sibling, and best friends, thinks I'm gay. I had to do the first reverse coming out in history. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/6/2013 19:01 - Australia - Perth

Today, I found out why my daughter eats so many sugary baked goods. According to her, when you bake things, all the sugar and calories are "released" and so you can't gain weight from it. It seems I raised a moron. FML

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By condiments - 22/2/2010 21:13 - United States

Today, I went shopping with my mother, when someone snuck a pack of condoms into our cart while our backs were turned. When we got to the register, my mom, whose wealth makes me ineligible for financial aid, noticed the condoms and she announced that she wasn't paying for the college I got accepted to next year because she doesn't want a promiscuous daughter. FML

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By Itstinksinhere - 19/4/2018 15:00

Today, my husband thought it was the best idea ever to clean the cat's litter box with the brand new vacuum cleaner instead of tipping it into a bin bag. My house now fills with the smell of warm cat piss every time I hoover. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2014 08:37 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me via Twitter. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2015 03:06 - United States - Tyler

Today, a customer at my coffee shop bitched me out because we don't sell cranberry juice. FML

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By Noname - 2/3/2009 14:07 - United States

Today, my friend and I went to a tacky-themed party. She was wearing orange faux snake stilettos. I commented, "Those are perfect for tonight, where'd you manage to find such hideous shoes?" It turns out she wears those shoes all the time, the color just matched her outfit. FML

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Top comments

By evilplatypus | 38

#7540105 - Tuesday 12 September 2017 1:56

Shoulda said you lost your leg on 9/11. Make him feel like a fucking shithead.

By eagleriverjohn | 23

#7540097 - Tuesday 12 September 2017 1:37

Was it obvious, or did you have a prosthetic covered with pants?

Comments

By eagleriverjohn | 23

#7540097 - Tuesday 12 September 2017 1:37

Was it obvious, or did you have a prosthetic covered with pants?

17uc17 | 3

#7541370 - Friday 15 September 2017 9:47

you should assume that the person asking is disabled anyway. not all have visible disabilities.

nobodywasthere | 7

#7560376 - Saturday 4 November 2017 20:39

I was wearing shorts

By evilplatypus | 38

#7540105 - Tuesday 12 September 2017 1:56

Shoulda said you lost your leg on 9/11. Make him feel like a fucking shithead.

RichardPencil | 28

#7540212 - Tuesday 12 September 2017 9:07

He’ll just lie right back to you and say he lost his mom in 9/11.

Mom trumps leg. That’s the rules of liars’ poker.

By Akitakat | 31

#7540114 - Tuesday 12 September 2017 2:14

The guy was a douche nozzle!

By RichardPencil | 28

#7540116 - Tuesday 12 September 2017 2:15

If you were on your way to work, presumably you were not tired.

Looks like a tough call for the priority of the seat. Is one leg, not tired > two legs, tired?

Shabnam Moghal | 14

#7540209 - Tuesday 12 September 2017 9:01

Dude, you really need to think before you type. Try not to offend anyone.

RichardPencil | 28

#7540210 - Tuesday 12 September 2017 9:05

What’s offensive? I just asked a question.

bartsj1988 | 7

#7540345 - Tuesday 12 September 2017 16:17

It literally is impossible now to not offend ANYONE. No matter what is said, someone somewhere will cry and take offense. Grow up and deal with it. It's called real life.

RichardPencil | 28

#7540357 - Tuesday 12 September 2017 16:45

Exactly! And nowadays being offended seems to be a popular hobby.

17uc17 | 3

#7541372 - Friday 15 September 2017 9:49

that's not the only reason to need a seat. balance, trouble standing, etc. also, some disabled people can't stand without getting dizzy but can walk just fine.

By Bubbilility | 26

#7540125 - Tuesday 12 September 2017 3:06

He could be a bag of dicks, or he could actually have that disorder where you randomly fall asleep at any time.

Ricrad | 11

#7540510 - Wednesday 13 September 2017 2:13

I think the handicapped spot is only reserved for people with physical disabilities

joonsson | 20

#7540952 - Thursday 14 September 2017 8:05

Any illness is a physical handicap. You can get a permit to park in handicap spots for certain illnesses.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7540128 - Tuesday 12 September 2017 3:26

If you have a prosthetic one, you should have taken it off and then asked "Well then, can my leg sit there?"

By Isamermaid | 16

#7540132 - Tuesday 12 September 2017 3:44

Seems kind of presumptuous of you to say he's a "perfectly healthy" guy.

core01 | 30

#7540143 - Tuesday 12 September 2017 4:35

I imagine two people suffering physical ailments, who probably look perfectly able-bodied from all outward appearances, silently cussing out the other as "not handicapped enough".

LexiD19 | 26

#7540145 - Tuesday 12 September 2017 4:39

That's what I was thinking. I look healthy and can walk normally, but have many horrible back problems. This man could be in the same boat and just didn't want to explain.

17uc17 | 3

#7541373 - Friday 15 September 2017 9:51

he said he was tired. and no one else offered either.

By Frank De Tank | 2

#7540140 - Tuesday 12 September 2017 4:11

I guess he was one step ahead of you....

By RichardPencil | 28

#7540160 - Tuesday 12 September 2017 6:16

You should present the argument that you truly deserve the handicapped seat. He will lose that debate because he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

Wait...

bartsj1988 | 7

#7540463 - Tuesday 12 September 2017 23:08

Dude, every one of your comments is just hilarious! They are always so funny and clever. Keep it up!

bohmaximus | 5

#7540770 - Wednesday 13 September 2017 19:43

He seems upset that the guy sitting the seat had a leg up on him.

By tonyfan00 | 38

#7540169 - Tuesday 12 September 2017 6:42

Gotta love the lazy-ass Special Snowflakes...