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April 2013

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Today, my boss threatened to fire me for killing him in Minecraft. FML

by Anonymous / 04/02/2013 at 6:30am / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, I went to my grandmom's house for an hour or so. When I came home, my boyfriend was on the bed, covered in the sheets and about to cry. Turns out he taped his ballsack to his leg and couldn't get it off because it "hurts too much." I'm 24 and he's 26. FML

by anonymous / 04/23/2013 at 5:07pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had a friend "dump" me over Facebook. She apparently thought we were dating. I'm a gay man who's lived with his partner for 5 years. She says I have commitment issues. FML

by drama king? / 04/10/2013 at 6:17pm / United States (Missouri) / Love

Today, I smoked weed with friends. Stoned, I put on my sister's high heels instead of my Vans and I walked to 7-11. FML

by Anonymous / 04/27/2013 at 2:33am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I told my dad I'm pregnant. His response? "It's only a phase, you'll get over it." FML

by twinArmageddon2 / 04/15/2013 at 2:04am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, it's my 17th birthday, and the first birthday since my mother died, leaving me to live with my previously-absent father. He gave me pretzels and a laser pointer, and said, "Happy birthday, fuckstick". One more year. FML

by Anonymous / 04/09/2013 at 12:59am / Canada / Miscellaneous

Today, while I was in the shower, I heard a door slam. Assuming it was my fiancé, I shouted "I love you!" I later opened the bathroom door to see my stereo and television missing. I'd said "I love you" to whoever robbed my apartment. FML

by ShowerGirl / 04/30/2013 at 3:54am / United States / Money

Today, I found out that my daughter has been stuffing my push-up bras and lipstick into her backpack, putting them on at school, and taking them off before she gets home. She's 9. The only reason I found out is because her teacher reported me to social services. FML

by Anonymous / 04/09/2013 at 4:42pm / United States (Illinois) / Kids

Today, it was my wedding day. Three people showed up. My mom, my dad, and the priest. FML

by nobodylovesme / 04/04/2013 at 2:46am / United States (California) / Love

Today, after a few weeks of my friends pestering me to spend time with a mutual friend, I realized we had a lot in common. We both love shoes, peanut butter, and it appears that my boyfriend of three years is her boyfriend of four years. FML

by Stupid / 04/22/2013 at 2:58am / United States (Idaho) / Love

Today, I went to have a breast exam. The doc told me that she would touch different parts of my breasts, and said to tell her if at any point it felt painful. As she was examining me, I was going to say that it wasn't painful, but instead I blurted out, "It feels good." FML

by Anonymous / 04/29/2013 at 12:51pm / United Kingdom (Glasgow City) / Health

Today, my boyfriend fell asleep while watching TV. I thought it would be cute to try to kiss him awake like they do in the movies. He farted. FML

by Wow / 04/11/2013 at 8:52am / United States / Love

Today, my boyfriend and I were planning how to spend the day together. When I suggested we start off with some fun in bed, then get some pizza and play his favorite video game, he sighed, "Can't we just go straight to gaming?" FML

by Anonymous / 04/22/2013 at 4:16pm / United States / Love