Transportation: Today, I was in a car accident on the way to work. I called my...

By Mycardoesn'tevenwork - United States

Today, I was in a car accident on the way to work. I called my boss and told him I had to deal with the police and the accident report and didn't know how long it would take. He got mad and said I "should have picked a better time to do this". FML

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Transportation

Understandable

Our house, in the middle of our street

This Charming Man

By Anonymous - United States - New York

Oops, I Did It Again

Today, I had to explain to my mom that the bruises I have all over my body are not due to abuse, but because I'm into really rough sex. FML

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1639

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By dirtyfoot - United States

Today, I stepped in dog shit, barefoot, in my own bathroom. The dog had been outside for two hours earlier, and I'd watched him take a dump. Apparently he was saving some for when he got back in the house. FML

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By PaintedBum

Today, I was painting the bathroom door post. A drop of paint fell on the toilet roll. Guess how I found out. FML

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1964

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By thankskimi - United States

Today, my first girlfriend of over 3 years left me for another guy. She said she's looking for someone who can financially provide for her in the future. The dude owns a T-Mobile kiosk. I'm going to medical school. FML

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By CALIdime_15 - United States

Today, I watched my boyfriend have a full on conversation with his penis. He also talks to his penis nicer than he talks to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that all the everyday Spanish words and phrases my boyfriend has been teaching me have very vulgar meanings. I found this out after I said a few to our waitress. FML

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By ALLALA - Canada

Today, my husband and I were watching TV. An info-mercial came on for a diamond cross necklace that had the lord's prayer engraved inside of it. As the commercial ended I said, "who in their right mind would actually buy that?" Turns out, my husband would, for our anniversary. FML

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By santabelly

Today, I was trying to use the video editing software on my computer for a group project. It then wanted me to purchase another program that cost over $130. One of my teammates told me to buy it, because, "I could afford to skip a few lunches." FML

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By Horneyandbleeding - 23/11/2020 07:01 - Canada - Winnipeg

Bad timing

Today, I got my period. I was going to have my first threesome tomorrow. FML

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960

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By Average Lover

Today, my wife and I decided to go to an adult store and buy some toys to spice up the bedroom a bit. She wanted to buy a double-edged dildo so "we can use it together". I'm a guy. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went to visit my parents after 4 years of not seeing them. They moved without telling me. FML

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By Out of Shape - Egypt

Today, I decided to start exercising. I almost passed out five minutes into the warm up, and couldn't even stand in the shower afterwards. I'm only 21. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was ringing a lady up at the register. I noticed her son was doing the peepee dance, so I rushed the payment process up and handed her the receipt. The little boy says "Mommy" and the mom looks down, then back up at me saying, "Your problem now" and walks out. The boy peed on the floor. FML

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By russty - United States

Today, I walked to my car to find a window smashed in. Lucky for me, nothing was stolen. It did, however, rain all morning. FML

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By xtammyle - Australia - Lower Plenty

Today, I walked in on my dad straightening my dog's fur. His excuse? The dog needed to feel pretty. FML

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By wtbfiber - United States

Today, my stomach muscles are still sore from yesterday. Not because I was doing sit-ups or working out or anything, but because I have to work that hard to take a dump. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kansas City

Today, my husband reorganized our fridge for the World Cup. He cleared everything out and filled it with beer and chips. FML

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By socksoffire - United States

Today, I did my laundry. When I took it out, everything was clean, including the mouse that had been hiding in it. FML

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By ugh - United States

Today, at the rescue group I volunteer at, we finally adopted out a dog that has been with us for a few years now. This was an amazing thing for us because we never thought he'd get adopted. As we were getting excited and hugging each other, the dog ran away. FML

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By fsfs - Germany - Kiel

Today, I went downstairs a little after midnight to grab a snack, and in the dark hallway, I clearly saw a small child walk into the kitchen. I was freaked out, but I followed him in. There was nobody in the room. I'm now too scared to sleep, and am seriously considering moving house. FML

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By LOLCATS - United Kingdom

Today, my wife came home from work early and told me she'd been fired. She was really upset so I told her how much she means to me and how much I love her to help cheer her up. She then told me she was caught getting it on with another employee. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me I look like a fish gasping for breath when I "finish" during sex. FML

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By peoplesuck - United States

Today, I stayed up all night to study for my anatomy final at 9 a.m. I studied outside the testing room in the hall all night. Apparently I feel asleep with my headphones as my friend woke me up after walking out of the test asking how I did. 300 classmates walked by and no one woke me up. FML

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By Anonymous

Once you see it…

Today, it was brought to my attention that my dog has a giant anus. I'd never noticed. Now I can't stop staring at his silver dollar-sized backdoor. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2020 08:01

Mr Loverman

Today, my boyfriend asked when I was going to bed, because he wanted to have sex. With himself. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a major falling out with my best friend. Angry, I sent a short text message to him explaining how I felt. I soon noticed I'd accidentally texted "I'm going to fucking kill you, asshole." to my boss instead. I'm still waiting on a reply. FML

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By HormonesSuck - 25/3/2021 23:30 - United Kingdom - Plymouth

Hormones

Today, I'm 23 weeks pregnant and super horny. I also cried during sex with my husband because I can't orgasm. FML

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By James

Today, while standing in line to get my driver's license renewed, I hiccuped and burped at the same time. I was so flustered that I ended up telling an entire room full of people that I had the 'herps'. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I told my girlfriend that I miss the amazing sex life we used to have, as we haven't had sex in months. She accidentally blurted out, "Well, I've still got one." It seems our neighbour has taken over my role in the bedroom. FML

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By sucks - Netherlands

Today, my boss walked in and said something I didn't quite hear, but my co-worker chuckled so to be polite, I laughed with him. They gave me some weird looks. My boss was actually talking about his wife's tumor and my co-worker was coughing. FML

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By broken - Saudi Arabia

Today, my family and I were just about to leave the house for the vacation that I had been saving up for 3 years. I was coming down the stairs with a heavy suitcase and I tripped and fell breaking my leg, now my family's gone without me while I'm in hospital. I paid for the vacation. FML

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By letmediealready

Today I saved my wife's puppy from drowning in an icy pond and I ended up in the ER struggling to breath from the water in my lungs. When my wife showed up to see me, I caught her flirting with my doctor. FML

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By boardwalk the fuck out of my resturaunt - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Today, I received a tip in Monopoly money. FML

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By jsmills92 - United States - Cranston

Today, I once again walked in on my husband eating our cat's food. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I opened my diary to write a new entry, I noticed that every page had little side notes about what I had written. It had an extra long note on the page where I wrote about losing my virginity in great detail. All of the notes ended with "Love, Mom." FML

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By fatgirl4 - United States

Today, I was at the gym running with intensity on the treadmill. As I was working out, I noticed a few guys behind me staring at me. I figured they were checking me out because I was losing some weight and looking better. Turns out they were betting on how much longer "Fat Ass" could last. FML

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By No.Life. - United States

Today, I decided not to go on Facebook so people would actually think that I have a life. FML

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By Dana O'Neil - 24/4/2021 00:30

Two wheels not so good

Today, it's been 4 days of recovering from a motorcycle accident. Which happened 5 hours after it was delivered. I went face-first through a garage door. FML

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336

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By FMLimsomad - United States

Today, I looked outside and I saw that my new car had been snowed on. Sadly the snow had frozen onto the car, so I spent the entire day getting it off. I came inside. By 8pm, my car had snow all over it again, and this time I left the window open. FML

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By kmb04 - Canada

Today, after a great night of sexual pleasure, I ran to answer the door. The angry woman standing there introduced herself. ''Hi, I'm your neighbor. My seven year old son's bedroom is just next to yours and when you scream at night he gets scared. Do you think you could keep it down?'' FML

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Top comments

By ruckfules85 | 34

#6542822 - Monday 22 February 2016 23:08

"Sorry my car wreck was inconvenient for you. I will be sure to schedule my next accident better in the future."

By Mylehz | 13

#6542820 - Monday 22 February 2016 23:08

I don't understand how bosses think such things can even be controlled.

COMMENTS

By kamr3n | 13

#6542817 - Monday 22 February 2016 23:06

Maybe you really "should quit that job."

By EyesofStone | 27

#6542818 - Monday 22 February 2016 23:07

Maybe he was having a bad day and lashed out. I'm sure later on he'll be more understanding.

By Mylehz | 13

#6542820 - Monday 22 February 2016 23:08

I don't understand how bosses think such things can even be controlled.

meunluckycharms | 16

#6542956 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 5:18

I don't understand how some bosses get ahold of their position

By ruckfules85 | 34

#6542822 - Monday 22 February 2016 23:08

"Sorry my car wreck was inconvenient for you. I will be sure to schedule my next accident better in the future."

By ComoEsJuan | 24

#6542824 - Monday 22 February 2016 23:08

Was the other driver shitting themselves?

bstarqueen | 16

#6542833 - Monday 22 February 2016 23:10

LOL

By noah_1234 | 24

#6542831 - Monday 22 February 2016 23:10

When would be a better time to get in an accident?

By ThePaperDragon | 31

#6542832 - Monday 22 February 2016 23:10

I really hate when my plans for ruining my car interfere with my work schedule.

By iiTzNeeNerz | 26

#6542834 - Monday 22 February 2016 23:11

I mean, who schedules a wreck in their calendar without setting the alarm to go with it or consulting with their boss prior to it...
You only have yourself to blame, OP.

By nash1991 | 20

#6542835 - Monday 22 February 2016 23:11

Next time you get into an accident, call to make an appointment with the other driver otherwise it's just rude

By tigerthepredator | 16

#6542836 - Monday 22 February 2016 23:12

How dare you get into a serious car crash that could've cost you your life and lots of money. YDI for not picking a better time to randomly crash.