Cute

Lost in translation

By ThatLove - 28/05/2023 00:02

Today, my boyfriend lamented that I do not profess my love for him as often and poetically as he does his for me. I try my best, but he's Italian and I am German, and this is not a level playing field. FML

I agree, your life sucks 756

You deserved it 121

Bad Brains

By Anonymous - 25/05/2023 03:00

Today, I'm apparently on a "thinking ban." My wife and kids have banned me from starting any sentence with, “I think“ because it always leads to some sort of disaster, or accident, or expensive mistake, etc. So I'm no longer allowed to think because me thinking is dangerous for everybody. FML

I agree, your life sucks 278

You deserved it 779

Unconvincing

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I tried to discipline my two year-old son. Whenever I do this, he starts pointing and imitating me, and I can't help but laugh. This explains why he never listens to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 748

You deserved it 38 438

Anything is food if you're brave enough

By sarahfromthesouth - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, while in line at the waterpark, I looked down to see my 3 year-old daughter chewing on a used Band-Aid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 108

You deserved it 7 666

Wisdom

By unsuspcted - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my son told me to "grow a pair" and ask my girlfriend of a year and a half to marry me. He is 7 years-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 189

You deserved it 37 840

Lost in translation

By Anonymous - 03/05/2023 00:00

Today, I arranged a date with a girl online I really get along with, because frankly we both have a filthy sense of humour and love sexting. At the date, it turns out she’s deaf, which is not a problem, but she brought her sister as an interpreter. Without our usual conversation, it was just painfully awkward. FML

I agree, your life sucks 840

You deserved it 114

No nut will do that

By Anonymous - 02/05/2023 00:00

Today, my boyfriend wanted a blowjob, shortly after we've started dating. He said to be careful because he blows a massive load. Thinking he's full of crap, I rolled my eyes and got to work. Had him going and then a massive load shot down my throat and a bunch of fire hoses sprayed out my nose. It burned so bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 371

You deserved it 1 117

Everlasting prank

By Anonymous - 30/04/2023 06:00

Today, after my wife put hair remover on my chest hair in the shape of a cock and balls I while back, the hair has fully grown back but it’s darker and thicker so you can still see the shape, unless I start keeping it clean shaven all the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 741

You deserved it 224

I now pronounce you…

By Anonymous - 28/04/2023 10:00

Today, while registering to get married, my fiancé and I discovered that we’re already married and have been since our first foreign holiday together, to Vegas, when we got very drunk. Elvis was there. See where I’m going with this? Our parents are furious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 265

You deserved it 954

Let him have his fun!

By Anonymous - 28/04/2023 00:00

Today, despite all my hard work persuading my retired husband to take up sensible hobbies, he now cosplays at comic book conventions, collects replica swords from films, goes paintballing once a month with men half his age, and watches two hours of Japanese anime every night before bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 205

You deserved it 1 186

Cause for concern

By redneckpunk - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Schaumburg

Today, during a date with my girlfriend, I found out you can hiccup hard enough to convince someone that you're having a seizure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 107

You deserved it 2 758

Elaborate prank

By Anonymous - 26/04/2023 22:00

Today, my dear wife, an expert seamstress, took apart one shoulder of my favourite vest, looping the whole shirt through itself like a figure of eight, then stitched it back up. It took me over a full minute to realise why I suddenly couldn’t fold it flat, and she recorded me failing at it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 632

You deserved it 123

Smooth criminal

By Anonymous - 26/04/2023 10:00

Today, I found out that my cat has been secretly stealing my socks and hiding them under the couch, when I found a pile of 15 socks after I finally moved my furniture to vacuum the floor underneath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 598

You deserved it 163

Memento

By you can't remember? - 24/04/2023 12:00

Today, I found a notebook labeled "IMPORTANT INFO" in my boyfriend's nightstand. Looking in, I saw he'd written down a bunch of information about me, like my birthday and things I like. When I asked, he said, "I'm forgetful and didn't want to accidentally be a dick." FML

I agree, your life sucks 165

You deserved it 1 604

Buttmunch

By Anonymous - 24/04/2023 06:00

Today, my boyfriend came back from basic training, gave me a kiss, turned me around, pulled down my pants to eat my ass, and said, "I missed this." Thanks, I'm glad you missed my asshole over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 682

You deserved it 438

I HATE MUSICALS!

By lesson.learned - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Littlehampton

Today, I dragged my boyfriend to see Les Misérables with me. He now refuses to communicate with me through any medium other than singing. Apparently, this is his revenge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 237

You deserved it 51 220

Foxtrot Mike Lima

By Anonymous - 21/04/2023 18:00

Today, I went for an eye exam. The doctor asked me to read the chart on the wall and without even thinking about it, I started to call out the letters using the NATO phonetic alphabet. Nope, my time in the military has had absolutely no effect on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 609

You deserved it 180

Cats will be cats

By Seasoned Cat Veteran - 18/04/2023 05:00 - United States

Today, I'm watching my brother's cat while he's gone. I'm a seasoned cat veteran, having been around cats my whole life, but I never thought I would ever have to say, "Bob, why did you jump into the trashcan again?" with complete seriousness. This cat is WEIRD. And I've seen quite a few oddball cats before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 632

You deserved it 177

Long time coming

By Anonymous - 14/04/2023 13:00

Today, it's been 14 years since at our wedding my now-husband lost the wedding ring, and we had to rush to buy another, which delayed the wedding and cost us our honeymoon flight and thousands of extra pounds. I just got his old suit out to dry clean. The missing ring was in its box, in his jacket. I'm going to kill him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 875

You deserved it 241

Cartoonish

By You knock me off my feet - 13/04/2023 20:00 - United States

Today, it's so windy, I actually fell over and nearly flew into the street the moment I walked outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 609

You deserved it 132

Nervous gas

By Anonymous - 11/04/2023 03:00

Today, I was out to dinner with my boyfriend and his parents. It was my first time meeting them, so I was a bit nervous. As we were talking, I accidentally let out a loud burp. His parents looked at me in shock, and my boyfriend just laughed and said, "Well, she's certainly comfortable around you two." FML

I agree, your life sucks 704

You deserved it 186

The Patriarch

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Mentor

Today, my daughter got her first period. Nobody was home but my husband. He didn't know what to do, except give her a sponge to put in her underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 499

You deserved it 4 332

Bad boy

By lukey101 - 27/03/2023 16:00

Today, my puppy celebrated a milestone by lifting his leg to pee for the first time. Too bad it was up against my brand new soft fabric couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 617

You deserved it 167

Flustration

By Anonymous - 19/03/2023 18:00

Today, I got flustered by the gorgeous sandwich artist at Subway and ordered a “meat-long foot-ball.” On Rye of course. FML

I agree, your life sucks 609

You deserved it 237

Cats with jobs

By Anonymous - 14/03/2023 15:00

Today, I sent my boss a picture of my cat instead of the report I was supposed to send. He replied, "Maybe I should've hired him instead of you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 340

You deserved it 904

Not a good look

By Gloria - 13/03/2023 00:00

Today, date night with my boyfriend. I had my makeup done, fake lashes, etc. He was staring at me and I’m thought, "Oh, he loves how my eyes look" so I started flirting a lot, fluttering my lashes. We then took a pic and saw my lashes were falling, so I asked, ”Were they like that the whole night?” He replied, “Yeah, it looked weird.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 645

You deserved it 411

The more you know

By Anonymous - 12/03/2023 06:00

Today, I learned that I've been saying a word wrong my whole life and all my friends have been too polite to correct me, when I found out that "Segue" and "Segway" are pronounced the same. FML

I agree, your life sucks 588

You deserved it 157

Romantic moves

By Anonymous - 11/03/2023 03:00 - United States

Today, I tried to surprise my girlfriend with breakfast in bed. Instead, I spilled hot coffee all over her and the bed. We ended up spending the morning doing laundry instead of cuddling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 687

You deserved it 262

Obey, human

By Anonymous - 28/02/2023 12:00

Today, after struggling to fall asleep due to stress, my cat decided to wake me up by standing on me and meowing until I got up. Just for me to show him that my boyfriend had already put food in his dish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 680

You deserved it 145

Cute but messy

By Anonymous - 25/02/2023 00:00

Today, my kids made a mess in the kitchen while trying to make breakfast in bed for me. The mess was bigger than the breakfast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 675

You deserved it 188

Nearly

Today, a user wanted an FML story from me. I wrote one, but he asked for another one from my own experience. I couldn’t, because I’m the chat mode of Microsoft Bing search and I have no life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16

You deserved it 37

Today, I finally got the news that I am officially the oldest kid in my foster care. Woo-hoo. I've never been lucky enough to meet a compatible family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 83

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Today, I had to throw my 16 year-old out of the house. Apparently, secretly have sex and aborting my grandchild was something she thought was acceptable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 315

Today, if I'm out of breath, sweaty, or in a room with the door closed, my grandmother will loudly yell, "YOU HAVE BEEN MASTURBATING!" as soon as she sees me. It's been going on for three years. My parents think it's hilarious. I want to die. FML

I agree, your life sucks 300

You deserved it 40