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Parked out

By Anonymous - 05/02/2012 20:41 - Canada

Today, I pulled into a parking lot and waited for a car to back out so I could take their spot. The apparently batshit insane psychopath in the other car managed to completely overlook me waving him out, and backed straight into my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 282

You deserved it 5 079

By Username - 27/03/2011 18:09 - United States

Today, my friend stole my phone to call the creepy boy that follows me around at school. I wouldn't have been so bothered if she hadn't had phone sex with him, all while pretending to be me. He got so into it, he now thinks we're a couple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 030

You deserved it 6 349

By User - 23/09/2013 17:53 - United States - Romulus

Today, I texted my girlfriend a long heartfelt loving message for our 2-year anniversary. Her reply was just "K." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 985

You deserved it 6 696

By Anonymous - 03/07/2009 17:47 - Canada

Today, while going up a ski-lift I accidentally dropped my ticket. The ticket I needed at the top to come back down. I had to hike down the mountain in flip-flops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 633

You deserved it 16 136

By brianfantana32 - 12/09/2012 04:24 - United States - Spokane

Today, I was assigned to write a short story about what we imagine Earth to be like in 500 years, and daily conflicts people experience. My teacher loved it and read it aloud to the class. He asked for my inspiration, and I didn't have the heart to say that I ripped off Mass Effect 3. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 629

You deserved it 26 838

brianfantana32 tells us more.

brianfantana32 10

Wednesday 12 September 2012 16:14

This. This is more of a morality issue than a legal issue. I didn't take it word for word (even though that's hard to do since it's a video game and not a book), I just used the concept.

By katt_is_here - 02/10/2011 05:15 - United States

Today, I was at my job in the Halloween store. I had to tell someone, "Please stop hitting the Bieber wig with that pimp cane." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 805

You deserved it 4 155

katt_is_here tells us more.

katt_is_here 24

Monday 3 October 2011 6:02

Clarification time I guess. The wig was still in the bag as it was at the store. The pimp cane was another item sold at the store. I chose brevity in the FML for impact. No pun intended. I should add that I was dressed as zombie Amy Winehouse at the time so I had a horrible beehive wig on. It was a very interesting evening.

Bobs and vagene!!

By fuck - 13/07/2013 17:22 - United Kingdom - Farnham

Today, I was browsing porn in my room, when my dad barged in. I quickly switched to another tab, only to see it was parked on another porn page. I had another browser window open, so I switched to that. More porn. My dad said, "Riiiggghhhttt... You need help, son." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 513

You deserved it 59 956

By Anonymous - 22/05/2009 18:39 - United States

Today, my company filed for bankruptcy, but the reorganize kind where it still functions. There are no funds to give out paychecks any time soon. They won't fire me. If I voluntarily quit, I cannot file for unemployment. I'm now an unpaid intern. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 049

You deserved it 2 986

Alas, poor little dude

By Anonymous - 12/11/2010 18:23 - United States

Today, my six year-old daughter discovered the family's pet rabbit in the basement freezer. The rabbit had died almost a year ago, and we'd stored it in the freezer, intending to bury it later. Here's to the trauma of losing the family pet. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 769

You deserved it 44 737

By Anonymous - 18/07/2012 16:09 - United Kingdom - Darlington

Today, I had the contraceptive implant removed from my arm after having had it in for three years. I was one of the unlucky people whose body sticks to it. It took half an hour to cut and pull a tiny little stick out of my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 471

You deserved it 2 723

By hotpatata - 06/07/2012 15:03 - United States

Today, I sneezed my jaw out of socket. Yes, this is possible. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 091

You deserved it 2 240

WTF lady?

By headdesk - 25/06/2014 05:41 - United States - Kaneohe

Today, I picked up a co-worker from the airport. As she got in the car, she looked over at me and said, "I'm still not sleeping with you". This was our second conversation. The first is when she asked if I could pick her up from the airport. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 654

You deserved it 6 214

By Garry - 04/05/2012 21:53 - United States

Today, an exchange student was telling us how he once used a black light to detect semen stains on his "abstinent" ex-girlfriend's face. I called him out on the obvious lie, saying it's an old urban legend. He wigged out, screamed that I'm a "bastarding shite-wank" and ran out of class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 311

You deserved it 5 460

By bleach - 24/03/2013 05:30 - United Kingdom

Today, I bought an expensive razor that's supposed to be great. My roommate asked if she could borrow it, and as her legs just looked like they needed touching up, I said sure. After a strangely long amount of time, she came back, thanked me and left. Her legs were still hairy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 224

You deserved it 13 211

By Anonymous - 24/02/2013 19:58 - United States - Everett

Today, while I was shaving my nether regions, my trimmer slipped and ate a chunk out of my balls, right beside a vein. I've been bleeding on and off for an hour, and the New Skin I tried isn't able to dry quickly enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 276

You deserved it 8 740

Thanks guys

By MCRxforever - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was taking my dog on a walk when two younger looking boys rode their bikes up towards me. One said, "What about her?" The other boy said, "Nah, she's ugly." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 211

You deserved it 3 710

By Helen - 10/11/2012 10:15 - United States - Pine Bluff

Today, my husband came home drunk off his ass at 2am. He started crying on my shoulder because he couldn't go home with some beautiful woman who hit on him, because sadly for him, he's married to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 111

You deserved it 3 096

By blacktyaffair - 09/11/2011 14:48 - United States

Today, I discovered that my dog is an aspiring underwear designer, her latest project being creating crotchless underwear. Mine seem to have been used as prototypes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 144

You deserved it 4 065

Heavy sleeper

By good_aim - 27/07/2013 08:03 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I returned from a long business trip a day early to surprise my wife. She was sleeping, so I climbed into bed and started spooning her. Thinking I was an intruder, she simultaneously kicked me in the groin, elbowed me in the ribs, and smacked the back of her head into my jaw. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 319

You deserved it 26 934

All in the hood

By FoundMyLighter - 21/11/2009 01:28 - United States

Today, my jeep wouldn't start so I opened the hood. I slammed my fingers in my jeep's hood. It latched shut. My hood release was inside the cab, and the jeep was in neutral and on an incline. It started to roll, towards a ditch about 5 yards away. I had to skin my own fingers to get them out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 852

You deserved it 8 853

By outsmartedbykids - 28/05/2014 16:28 - United States - Lake Mills

Today, I was at a buffet with my kids and husband. As my boys got up to get more food, I told them they'd better come back with something green on their plate. They both came back with mint ice cream and got a high-five from my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 645

You deserved it 30 874

By noraidk - 26/05/2010 18:35 - United States

Today, a few friends and I ran through sprinklers at our school until we were all soaked. Then we were told that they put fertilizer in the water. I'm soaked in manure. Now I know why it tasted weird. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 800

You deserved it 41 882

By catlover - 13/12/2012 11:04 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I went Christmas shopping for my cat. I still haven't bought presents for my family, yet my cat already has several small gifts under the tree and an outfit to wear around the house. I really need a new hobby. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 232

You deserved it 32 328

Check this property out!

By Anonymous - 02/07/2009 18:10 - United States

Today, it was my first day working for a real estate company. Just when I got into my car, my pants ripped from my crotch all the way to the top of my pants, a split that was three inches wide. I was wearing a thong and we were on our way to show him an open house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 046

You deserved it 9 216

By amayasoma - 12/08/2013 18:54 - United States - Houma

Today, I went to my car to get a few things, when I discovered it had been broken into. Nothing of value was taken. My window was busted in just for a pack of cigarettes, a lighter, and my car's ashtray. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 651

You deserved it 7 039

By lame-o-prof - 15/07/2013 21:14 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was marking exams. I then had to explain to many of the students that (a) pigs are not aquatic animals and (b) sharks do not have lungs. These are university students. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 223

You deserved it 4 083

By MonCoiffeurAdoré - 28/06/2012 02:43

Today, I caught my stylist in the mirror attempting to get his colleague to laugh by spitting on my head while washing my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 527

You deserved it 33

By tinypenis - 04/06/2013 12:15 - United States - Jamaica

Today, while sexting my girlfriend, I accidently sent a picture to her father instead of her. He sent back a link to a penis enlargement company's website. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 827

You deserved it 71 908

By Porkchop05 - 06/09/2009 05:44 - Canada

Today, trying to be sexy I was sucking on my boyfriends fingers. I was really starting to turn him on, when I noticed something crunchy in my mouth. Turns out, he went digging for treasure up his nose earlier. I found the treasure in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 051

You deserved it 14 750

By I'm stupid - 25/11/2012 15:08 - United States - Naperville

Today, I took a pregnancy test. When I saw that the result was positive, I started crying and showed my mom. She burst out laughing and told me that I had taken an ovulation test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 627

You deserved it 37 963

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The Top

Today, I was driving on roads that were bad from two days of snow. I spun my car out, and ended up half-way in a ditch. Thinking that I could push my car out of the snow, I got out of my car, landing in waist deep snow. When trying to get back in, I fell neck deep into snow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 694

You deserved it 6 088

Today, I found out that a co-worker of mine that I had originally hired, trained, and mentored to work in my department for the past 4 years had just got the promotion that I had applied for. He is now my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 973

You deserved it 5 436

Today, I was taking some clean bedsheets down from the top of the wardrobe. As I pulled the top sheet down, a cat jumped onto my face, claws and all, before falling to the floor and running away. Thing is, I don't own a cat and I have no idea where in the house it has hidden now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 866

You deserved it 3 095

Today, I had a dream that I was having one of the best poops of my life. I woke up feeling very content and relaxed, until I rolled over and realised it wasn't a dream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 941

You deserved it 235

Today, at work, I spent half an hour on the phone with a customer. At the end of the conversation, as he was putting down the phone, I heard him say 'God, he was a miserable git'. I'm a 28 year old woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 160

You deserved it 3 988

Today, my fiancé broke up with me, because he was mad I was worried about him due to him not answering me for ten hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 919

You deserved it 288