Intimacy: Today, things were getting heated with the girlfriend. We were...

By Spooprfailed - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, things were getting heated with the girlfriend. We were mostly naked, but mostly wouldn't do, so I kissed her deeply and whispered into her ear, "You should lose some weight". Clothes. I meant to say clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40423

You deserved it

65772

Favorite

Spooprfailed tells us more :

Hello folks. Just wanted to clear up a few misconceptions! 1) My girlfriend is both beautiful and very fit. Which is incredibly lucky about me because... 2) We laughed hysterically about it for a while, since it was just such a ridiculous thing to come out of my mouth. The mood WAS ruined for a little while (but not for too long ;) she's THAT awesome), but we've been laughing about it ever since. I am very happy not single (despite my scumbag brain's best efforts). And for anyone who things this reply sounds as if I had a gun to my head and was writing whatever my gf told me to... please call 911

Intimacy

And today, on Dr Phil…

Not a good look

Noise annoys

By VetTechStudent

Today, I had to get a pre-exposure rabies vaccine for school. My boyfriend thinks I'll give him rabies and refuses to let me sleep in the same bed with him or initiate sex. I need two more shots over the next 3 weeks, which means sleeping on the couch for a month. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2671

You deserved it

344

Favorite

By June - United States

Today, my boyfriend grabbed my love handles. It tickled, so I giggled and squirmed out of his grip. He looked at me quizzically and said, "I'm surprised you still have feeling there with all that fat." FML

I agree, your life sucks

37741

You deserved it

8771

Favorite

By shawty - Australia

Today, I heard my mother and father having sexual intercourse, and I found out that my mother moans the same way as my girlfriend. Guess who I now think about every time my girlfriend moans? FML

I agree, your life sucks

51942

You deserved it

6411

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Richland

Today, I found out what the two girls I sit near to fight about every day: seating. The loser has to sit next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25021

You deserved it

2211

Favorite

By 918boyz - United States

Today, I got in line at the grocery store. The woman in front of me looked right at me, turned to her friend, and said "That reminds me, I forgot to get acne cream." FML

I agree, your life sucks

37732

You deserved it

2600

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, my dad gave my younger brother condoms and a pat on the back, even though he doesn't have a girlfriend. This is after called me a whore after he saw me kissing my long-term boyfriend last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43893

You deserved it

4019

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia - College Park

Today, I got jumpscared, by my freshly-bathed grandma coming out of the bathroom without a towel on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19648

You deserved it

1521

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Minneapolis

Today, at the swimming pool, I thought it'd be funny to sneak up on my 5-year-old daughter underwater and surprise her. I grabbed her by the sides, and she shrieked. A moment later, a brown cloud erupted from her swimsuit. Cue screaming and a mass panic from the other kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24018

You deserved it

12441

Favorite

By Sandra - Ireland

Today, I got talking to a really hot guy at a party. He told me that he was only here because he heard the host would sleep with anyone, and he and his buddies had a bet going. It was my party. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47612

You deserved it

20347

Favorite

By Ticketshame

Today, I got pulled over for talking on my phone while driving. I'd lost my phone the day before. He didn’t believe me. So, I got a ticket for talking on a phone I can’t even find. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2050

You deserved it

133

Favorite

By wellokthen - United States - Birmingham

Bed move

Today, my friend sent me a link to a porn video. The guy in it was my boyfriend, the girl in it wasn't me, but they were in my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4903

You deserved it

256

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I sliced my finger open because my roommate's girlfriend put a broken ceramic plate in the recycling. I was putting some paper in the bin and all of a sudden, an inch and a half of my flesh is naked to the world. I don't have medical insurance, so I fixed it with superglue. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32636

You deserved it

9363

Favorite

By PPP - United States - Elk Grove Village

Today, I found out that my mom is doing a study and is keeping used pads in the freezer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38309

You deserved it

2783

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at my psychologist's. We were talking about creative outlets and I told him that I wanted to start playing Dungeons and Dragons again. He starts chuckling, and then says, "Oh, you were serious." FML

I agree, your life sucks

15708

You deserved it

22148

Favorite

By shygirl - United States - Sterling Heights

Today, my sister got married. It was also the day that I was supposed to deliver a heartfelt toast to the happy couple. I got so nervous that I kept stuttering and finally ended with "Congrats Beth and Steve!" Her husband's name is Eric. Her ex was named Steve. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29177

You deserved it

10122

Favorite

By WTF - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, my girlfriend of six weeks dumped me when she learned that Macedonia, where I was born, is in Europe. Apparently, she thought that I was "Asian" and she doesn't want to date a "white guy." Yeah, I'm totally confused too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58423

You deserved it

3868

Favorite

By Loved

Today, my boyfriend bought me an engagement ring. It turned out to be the wrong size and we had to return it, since the store said it couldn't be re-sized. As we headed home, I felt guilty, so I turned to him and apologized. His response? "It's OK honey, I didn't really want to marry you that much anyway." FML

I agree, your life sucks

2505

You deserved it

168

Favorite

By machina

Today, I approached my mother for comfort, because I've been feeling depressed and unloved by anyone lately. She replied, “Honestly, I stopped loving you back when you were a toddler.” FML

I agree, your life sucks

2139

You deserved it

120

Favorite

By dan - Canada

Today, to my surprise my girlfriend said, "I've never felt this way before." We have been dating for six months, and I knew that I loved her, so I replied, "Me neither, I love you." There was a long awkward pause. Turns out, she was talking about her abnormally painful period cramps. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34379

You deserved it

4577

Favorite

By Icy

Lost

Today, I was writing to my girlfriend on MSN when her roommate answered, "Sorry, this isn't Marie, she's at her boyfriend’s." Really? I've looked everywhere in my apartment, and I can’t find her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

77358

You deserved it

4021

Favorite

By Philip - Australia

Today, my roommate told me that when he takes a shower he likes to swipe the bar of soap in between his butt cheeks, "like a credit card." I use that soap on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7724

You deserved it

1597

Favorite

By AuntSucka - United States

Today, I let my nephew and his friend spend the night to watch movies. After I fell asleep they stole my liquor and went roaming. When they saw the cop car in front of my house and realized they were busted, they went up to the cop and told them I gave them the alcohol to avoid being grounded. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33398

You deserved it

3663

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I locked my keys in my car. My spare keys are 45 minutes away in my dorm room. My dorm room keys are attached to my car keys locked in my car. Security said they would let me in as long as I had my school ID. It's on my keychain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31001

You deserved it

7639

Favorite

By anonymous - Canada

Today, I had to lie to my female roommate about what happened last night. She was drunk and spent half the night cuddling with me and trying to get me to kiss her. I've loved this girl for two years, but I promised her I wouldn't let her cheat on her boyfriend with anyone. Even me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

72935

You deserved it

12746

Favorite

By Twomanybananas

Today, I found a banana on my bed. It was black and shriveled because I accidentally left it there after I thought I finished the whole bushel I bought last week. I've been sleeping in my bed all week and didn't notice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4571

You deserved it

3803

Favorite

By whooops - United States

Today, after having a few beers at a bar, I gave my ticket to the valet to get my car. I tipped the man $2 and he gave me a huge smile and thanked me a lot as I left. I thought the guy was just really appreciative for those $2 until I got home and saw one of the $100 bills in my wallet was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14441

You deserved it

57652

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Chester

Today, I was laying down with my girlfriend, when she asked me if I'd ever been kicked in the junk. I awkwardly said no, and she replied, "Well maybe that should change." while rubbing my shoulder lovingly. I'm scared. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46875

You deserved it

4950

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada - Oshawa

Today, I caught my sister eating crayons. She's 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43682

You deserved it

3135

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I was taking a peaceful stroll in the local park when a curious turkey decided to follow me. Trying to shoo it away, I swung my leg at it, as if to fake kick it. Being the stupid animal it is, it decided to fly into my leg as I swung, causing my foot to connect to its neck. It died. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25357

You deserved it

50069

Favorite

By notsohandy - Denmark - Hadsten

Today, I woke up to my girlfriend masturbating beside me. I asked if she needed a hand. She called me a pervert and now won't speak to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

69748

You deserved it

8099

Favorite

By larouche362 - United States - Weare

Today, my girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me because I wouldn't make my senior quote, "I love my girlfriend more than anything." FML

I agree, your life sucks

14839

You deserved it

1330

Favorite

By hottygirl905 - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, I found out I have a kidney infection. Now I'm forced to drink at least 4 glasses of water before going to bed. I also have to be woken up every two hours to be told to, "GO PEE BEFORE YOU DIE!" by my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29126

You deserved it

2264

Favorite

By anonymous - United States - Spring Valley

Today, I picked my 12-year-old daughter up from school after her first sexual education lecture. She burst into tears on the way home explaining her fears of being pregnant with her boyfriend's child. As if that doesn't sound bad enough, I've met her boyfriend before. He is imaginary. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46640

You deserved it

4164

Favorite

By Anonymous - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, at work, I took an order from a stuck-up sounding lady over the phone. She said her last name was "duckling, but with an F". Bemused, I wrote her name on the order. When she arrived to pick it up later, she told me she'd said "s", not "f". FML

I agree, your life sucks

22459

You deserved it

3131

Favorite

By dee - United States

Today, I wound up cleaning vomit out of the window track of my car at midnight, in the nicest dress I own, after my husband got completely wasted at his office Christmas party. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27709

You deserved it

3303

Favorite

By tillyg15 - United Kingdom - Droitwich

Today, I had to ring up our local competitors to get prices for paint. I pretended I'd just bought a house and was doing it up, and I actually got excited about doing up a make-believe house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21248

You deserved it

4832

Favorite

By ayw329 - United States

Today, I have been reading FML for 12 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44276

You deserved it

17001

Favorite

By "ZeroG57"

Today my friend invited me to an afro-indigenous event. Eager to learn more about my roots, I tagged along. The bean bag toss and warrior dance was fun, until the Q&A came and it was clear that the focus wasn't the African diaspora but "consistent ritualized self-improvement". Yup, it's a cult. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4110

You deserved it

462

Favorite

By Crap - United States - Seminole

Today, I had horrible diarrhea at work. When I felt the bubbling, I ran to the bathroom. An agonizing bowel movement later, I realized that there was no toilet paper in the stall. Just as I was about to ask a coworker who was in the bathroom for some, the fire alarm went off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29078

You deserved it

1693

Favorite

By lolzboss - United States

Today, my five year old son decided to move all my stuffed animals I have around the house, into sex positions and massive orgies. What have I been teaching my son lately? FML

I agree, your life sucks

16427

You deserved it

46122

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By RedPillSucks | 31

#5908468 - Tuesday 8 April 2014 18:34

Smooth move mood killer

By Welshite | 39

#5908469 - Tuesday 8 April 2014 18:35

Uh huh. Suuure you did. People tell me I need to lose clothes all the time, but they really mean weight.

COMMENTS

By RedPillSucks | 31

#5908468 - Tuesday 8 April 2014 18:34

Smooth move mood killer

ThatOneGuy719 | 16

#5908529 - Tuesday 8 April 2014 19:17

Hell yeah man, I bet it gets all the ladies

thefastnfuryass | 14

#5908559 - Tuesday 8 April 2014 19:43

OP is really into Rape Sloth quotes.

By Welshite | 39

#5908469 - Tuesday 8 April 2014 18:35

Uh huh. Suuure you did. People tell me I need to lose clothes all the time, but they really mean weight.

By Credibleskills | 28

#5908472 - Tuesday 8 April 2014 18:37

What a turn off XD

nyctophobia | 5

#5930086 - Wednesday 30 April 2014 3:11

no really?

By classiceagle63 | 16

#5908473 - Tuesday 8 April 2014 18:37

Well, clothes are technically weight..

Konain | 12

#5908561 - Tuesday 8 April 2014 19:44

You could've tried to say that you meant the weight of her clothes ;)

MichelleRuzicka | 15

#5909070 - Wednesday 9 April 2014 7:18

This may seem a bit random, (probably from my sleep deprivation, sorry y'all) but generally peoples' clothing only adds 2-6 lbs., so if you actually lost 2-6 lbs. of weight on your body, it wouldn't be that noticeable... just like gaining that amount of weight: not really noticeable.

PageantGirlXOXO | 16

#5909145 - Wednesday 9 April 2014 9:11

94: Well if you are severely overweight, then 5 pounds won't make a difference. If you are in pretty good shape (or happen to be really short)...Unfortunately, 5 pounds can be very noticeable

By thefrenchenglish | 6

#5908474 - Tuesday 8 April 2014 18:37

you are bad

shanebob | 15

#5910348 - Thursday 10 April 2014 14:06

That might be the worst comment i've ever seen on here.

daminantion | 14

#5914058 - Monday 14 April 2014 6:21

second worst. 'Your bad' would top it.

By Wuff | 6

#5908475 - Tuesday 8 April 2014 18:37

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By xXLotSoJelloXx | 7

#5908478 - Tuesday 8 April 2014 18:40

And then the off switch was hit...queue the flying shoe at the man's face

By name_loading | 19

#5908479 - Tuesday 8 April 2014 18:42

I believe this is what one might call a Freudian Slip.

MLardinos | 14

#5909052 - Wednesday 9 April 2014 6:36

A what?

BootheGhost | 6

#5909466 - Wednesday 9 April 2014 18:37

I prefer to call it, "Autocorrect in real life."

By asparagus12 | 21

#5908480 - Tuesday 8 April 2014 18:42

This apology is beyond flowers. Looks like you will be making a trip to the jewelry store.

negb | 30

#5908555 - Tuesday 8 April 2014 19:40

I'd take chocolate over jewelry but I feel like for this particular apology, that probably wouldn't go over well.

ManicGypsy | 22

#5909283 - Wednesday 9 April 2014 14:33

I came here to post just that. Jewelry is required in situations such as these. The more expensive, the better. Chocolate would probably work, but might send the wrong message. A dozen long stem roses might help too.

BootheGhost | 6

#5909630 - Wednesday 9 April 2014 22:08

"He went to Jareds!" *Gollum pic*

By Secret_Ninjaa | 35

#5908481 - Tuesday 8 April 2014 18:44

well... how'd that turn out for ya?