Today, things were getting heated with the girlfriend. We were...

By Spooprfailed - 8/4/2014 05:32 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, things were getting heated with the girlfriend. We were mostly naked, but mostly wouldn't do, so I kissed her deeply and whispered into her ear, "You should lose some weight". Clothes. I meant to say clothes. FML

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Spooprfailed Say more :

Hello folks. Just wanted to clear up a few misconceptions! 1) My girlfriend is both beautiful and very fit. Which is incredibly lucky about me because... 2) We laughed hysterically about it for a while, since it was just such a ridiculous thing to come out of my mouth. The mood WAS ruined for a little while (but not for too long ;) she's THAT awesome), but we've been laughing about it ever since. I am very happy not single (despite my scumbag brain's best efforts). And for anyone who things this reply sounds as if I had a gun to my head and was writing whatever my gf told me to... please call 911

Intimacy

Last dates

Clocked

Basic Instinct

By mugged - 1/6/2010 23:41 - United States

Today, I got mugged by someone wearing a bear suit. FML

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By killingmyselfimmediately - 7/1/2019 20:00

Today, I had the flu and couldn't go to school. My dad called in and told them that I couldn't be there because I have an itchy anus. Not only that, but my birthday's tomorrow. FML

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By greek_dancer - 13/7/2009 05:14 - United States

Today, I went to the mall and had to parallel park. It took me 10 to 12 minutes of maneuvering before I got into the slot. When I turned off the car and got out, there were 8 people laughing hysterically and clapping for me. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2009 20:18 - United States

Today, I went to the ice cream shop after dinner. I am deathly allergic to nuts so I picked the vanilla. I take one bite and feel something crunchy, and see what I thought was an almond in the cup. I spit out the icecream in a panic. Good news? It wasn't an almond. Bad news? It was a cockroach. FML

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By joking0303 - 16/7/2009 07:08 - United States

Today, my friend gave me a fortune cookie that said, "Don't be saddened by an upcoming event". Three hours later my girlfriend broke up with me because she said I was too superstitious. FML

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By MAC - 13/1/2009 09:47 - France

Today, like every other day, I turn up at work at the security guard's gate to show my ID badge. Except that my brother had stuck a huge "FBI" sticker on it. My co-workers now all call me Mulder. FML

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By Joshua - 3/6/2016 17:53 - United States - Weatherford

Today, the woman I have been seeing said she couldn't see a future with me. This was all because I didn't text her back when I fell asleep after working a double night/morning shift. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2019 20:00 - United States

Today, my drunk sister threw up on me while I was sleeping. FML

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By Karmaisabitch - 18/5/2012 06:07 - United States - Boulder

Today, I wanted to prank my roommate. So, I thought it would be funny to take all the toilet paper out of our bathroom. She thought it would be funny to wipe with my cashmere sweater. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2015 00:44 - United States

Today, my grandma is refusing to talk to me because I didn't answer her phone calls while we were at a parade. I was in it. FML

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By xRyu - 9/10/2014 00:30 - United States - Denver

Today, I found out via a voicemail from my boss that my hours are being cut. He said, "They said I can't fire you, so you'll only be getting 20 hours a week. Starting today." Who'd they give my other 20 hours to? The one person that calls off sick almost daily and is never on time. FML

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By Shampoodle - 11/10/2017 21:45

Today, I found out that my mom uses my incredibly expensive conditioner to wash her two dogs every single weekend. No wonder they smell so good. FML

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By what the fuck - 7/6/2013 21:20 - United Kingdom - Northolt

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to get intimate for the first time. He said he didn't want to use a condom, and that I should just give him one of my birth control pills instead, "so we can still be just as safe". What the hell? FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2014 15:57 - United States - Lancaster

Today, we decided to go to an aquarium for a little family get-away. At the end was a shark viewing deck, and I leaned over the rails to get a better look. How did I find out that my glasses needed to be adjusted? They fell off and sunk right to the bottom of the shark-infested waters. FML

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By purpleskylight - 27/6/2012 05:29 - United States - Lexington

Today, I tried for 45 minutes to convince my psychiatrist to take me off my antidepressant. When he finally agreed to do so, I broke down into tears and sobbed uncontrollably for 10 minutes. Hello, increased prescription. FML

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By PISSED OFF - 17/5/2015 13:09 - Australia

Today, I bought an expensive video game and decided to show it off and post a photo of it on Instagram. When I got home to play it, it rejected my activation key. I then realised it was showing in the Instagram post. FML

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By loner - 7/6/2009 12:28 - United States

Today, I was sitting in class when the most popular girl in my grade came up to me holding birthday invitation cards. I've never been invited to a birthday party, so I was so excited when she handed me a card only to hear her say, "Mary is on your bus, will you give this to her?" FML

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By Sadman - 23/4/2011 08:37 - Canada

Today, my mother and girlfriend were joking around and talking about the embarrassing things I've done. After they'd had a lengthly conversation, my girlfriend mentions "And he always farts during sex." FML

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By littl3storm - 9/6/2020 05:04

Summertime sadness

Today, as a treat to myself for completing my exams, I dyed my hair rainbow. In the process of dyeing my hair, I managed to roll over my foot, causing severe ligament damage in my foot and ankle. It's likely I'll end up with a cast. Goodbye summer. FML

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By I need a new ballsack. - 16/9/2014 16:20 - United Kingdom - Macclesfield

Today, I'm at that age where sitting down carries a 50/50 chance of turning my balls into scrambled eggs, a fact confirmed yet again today. Third time this week. I think it's time to switch to briefs. FML

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By Hikara - 13/4/2009 13:44 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend and I were watching TV. She starts to undo my belt buckle, unzips my fly and then takes my pants off. Right as I'm starting to get really excited, she says to me, "Just joking." FML

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By really - 5/6/2016 21:40 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, a customer at work was having hiccups, so I suggest that she should try to hold her breath for a while. Ten minutes later, she's talking to my manager about how I wanted her to "kill myself because of my severe medical condition". FML

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By Ann - 31/5/2011 16:47 - United States

Today, my 12 year old cousin decided that "all men are pigs" and deleted every male contact in my phone. FML

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By Cress - 11/2/2018 19:00

Today, my dad asked what I wanted for my birthday. The only thing I wanted was the complete series of Dragon Ball Z on DVD. He just sighed, shook his head, and asked me to pick something normal. FML

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By sociallyanxiousroomie - 19/4/2016 10:22 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my roommates had a party while I stayed in my room, and that was fine by me. What was not fine was when a stranger broke into my room, asked to lay next to me, and then just went ahead and did it. FML

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By anonymous - 4/7/2012 14:45 - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed. Two hours later I get a text from my ex announcing he has just been diagnosed with chlamydia. I now have to explain this to my fiancé. FML

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By guessimdead - 19/4/2009 23:07 - United States

Today, I went to my new job at a pre-school. I was really excited because everything was going so well, and a little boy even said he was drawing a picture of me. He even gave it to me when he was finished. Well it was me, but I was also on fire and being stabbed and shot multiple times. FML

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By Pukey - 28/3/2015 21:30 - United States

Today, my older brother puked in the sound hole of my sister's guitar. He blamed it on me, and in revenge my sister beat me with the guitar. FML

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By anonymous - 6/3/2016 05:33 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my 17 year old daughter told me she was going to bake a cake. When she finished she offered me one and it was crunchy. I asked her why and she said the recipe said to put eggs in. She put them in whole. FML

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By Amandajean32 - 5/8/2010 00:02 - United States

Today, I came home from work to find the lock to my bike busted and my bike stolen. The worst part was a nicer bike was sitting right next to it without a lock. FML

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By JD300 - 22/12/2009 12:15 - United Kingdom

Today, I finally got my wish of having snow on my birthday. Excited, I failed to realise this meant that no one could come to my party, including myself as we were all snowed out of town. What did I spend my 18th doing? Tidying our house. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2018 04:00

Today, my husband left his cellphone unlocked so I decided to go through it. I found 10 texts threads from 10 different women, one of them from my 18 year old sister who was sending him nude pictures. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2011 09:32 - United States

Today, I frantically chased a customer down the parking lot, because they had left their package at my register. Only to find out that the whole time I was chasing the wrong person. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2009 19:02 - United States

Today, as I was walking through the park I had to yawn. In mid-yawn, with my mouth wide open, I walked right through a spider web getting both the spider and the prey it was eating stuck in my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2012 07:54 - South Africa

Today, my fiancé spent three hours arguing with his mom about how Scientology is a cult followed by simple-minded asshats; she shouted at him saying Xenu will come and fuck his shit up for not believing. This woman is going to be my children's grandmother. FML

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By Dumbweed - 28/8/2009 04:42 - United States

Today, my mom told me she was getting tired of that smell of marijuana in the house. So I confess and tell her I will never bring it home again. She was talking about my neighbors. FML

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By picturemenakedbaby - 21/7/2009 10:42 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were on the phone. He started talking dirty, and saying how horny he was, etc. So I decided to play along and said "I want you to picture me naked, baby." All of a sudden I heard a huge sigh. He responded, "Ew, that just killed it." FML

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By oliver - 27/1/2016 12:02 - United States

Today, I woke up with a pounding headache. My wife tells me that last night I woke up from a nightmare, screaming, tried to run away and knocked myself out running headfirst into the bedroom wall. So she put me back to bed and went back to sleep. FML

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By anonymous - 7/6/2012 11:00 - United States

Today, I found out I have an incredible fear of butterflies. I discovered this after my mother took me to a butterfly sanctuary for some "mother-daughter bonding time." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2010 06:36 - United States

Today, I told my dad that I had a herpes infection. He said "Good." FML

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Top comments

By RedPillSucks | 31

#5908468 - Tuesday 8 April 2014 18:34

Smooth move mood killer

By Welshite | 39

#5908469 - Tuesday 8 April 2014 18:35

Uh huh. Suuure you did. People tell me I need to lose clothes all the time, but they really mean weight.

COMMENTS

By RedPillSucks | 31

#5908468 - Tuesday 8 April 2014 18:34

Smooth move mood killer

ThatOneGuy719 | 16

#5908529 - Tuesday 8 April 2014 19:17

Hell yeah man, I bet it gets all the ladies

thefastnfuryass | 14

#5908559 - Tuesday 8 April 2014 19:43

OP is really into Rape Sloth quotes.

By Welshite | 39

#5908469 - Tuesday 8 April 2014 18:35

Uh huh. Suuure you did. People tell me I need to lose clothes all the time, but they really mean weight.

By Credibleskills | 28

#5908472 - Tuesday 8 April 2014 18:37

What a turn off XD

nyctophobia | 5

#5930086 - Wednesday 30 April 2014 3:11

no really?

By classiceagle63 | 16

#5908473 - Tuesday 8 April 2014 18:37

Well, clothes are technically weight..

Konain | 12

#5908561 - Tuesday 8 April 2014 19:44

You could've tried to say that you meant the weight of her clothes ;)

MichelleRuzicka | 15

#5909070 - Wednesday 9 April 2014 7:18

This may seem a bit random, (probably from my sleep deprivation, sorry y'all) but generally peoples' clothing only adds 2-6 lbs., so if you actually lost 2-6 lbs. of weight on your body, it wouldn't be that noticeable... just like gaining that amount of weight: not really noticeable.

PageantGirlXOXO | 16

#5909145 - Wednesday 9 April 2014 9:11

94: Well if you are severely overweight, then 5 pounds won't make a difference. If you are in pretty good shape (or happen to be really short)...Unfortunately, 5 pounds can be very noticeable

By thefrenchenglish | 6

#5908474 - Tuesday 8 April 2014 18:37

you are bad

shanebob | 15

#5910348 - Thursday 10 April 2014 14:06

That might be the worst comment i've ever seen on here.

daminantion | 14

#5914058 - Monday 14 April 2014 6:21

second worst. 'Your bad' would top it.

By Wuff | 6

#5908475 - Tuesday 8 April 2014 18:37

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By xXLotSoJelloXx | 7

#5908478 - Tuesday 8 April 2014 18:40

And then the off switch was hit...queue the flying shoe at the man's face

By name_loading | 19

#5908479 - Tuesday 8 April 2014 18:42

I believe this is what one might call a Freudian Slip.

MLardinos | 14

#5909052 - Wednesday 9 April 2014 6:36

A what?

BootheGhost | 6

#5909466 - Wednesday 9 April 2014 18:37

I prefer to call it, "Autocorrect in real life."

By asparagus12 | 21

#5908480 - Tuesday 8 April 2014 18:42

This apology is beyond flowers. Looks like you will be making a trip to the jewelry store.

negb | 30

#5908555 - Tuesday 8 April 2014 19:40

I'd take chocolate over jewelry but I feel like for this particular apology, that probably wouldn't go over well.

ManicGypsy | 22

#5909283 - Wednesday 9 April 2014 14:33

I came here to post just that. Jewelry is required in situations such as these. The more expensive, the better. Chocolate would probably work, but might send the wrong message. A dozen long stem roses might help too.

BootheGhost | 6

#5909630 - Wednesday 9 April 2014 22:08

"He went to Jareds!" *Gollum pic*

By Secret_Ninjaa | 35

#5908481 - Tuesday 8 April 2014 18:44

well... how'd that turn out for ya?