The Top

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By eyelashess - 29/06/2011 04:10 - United States

Today, our carbon monoxide detector started beeping. My mom started freaking out and made me go stand outside so I "don't die". I stood outside for 20 minutes, it was raining and it turned out that the detector was just low on battery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 244

You deserved it 4 390

By Elliott_B - 24/06/2011 15:54 - United States

Today, my neighbor passed away, and my father and I went to give his wife our condolences. In the middle of my dad's conversation with the wife, he says "I'm sorry for your loss, I knew Jim well, he was a great guy." The wife stares at him and says, "His name was Rich." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 129

You deserved it 6 758

Elliott_B tells us more.

Elliott_B 3

Friday 24 June 2011 20:12

OP here, just for some more info we had given her a card at the same time and my dad wrote Rich in it, he just accidentally let Jim slip on accident. my dad is not an "idiot", he just wasn't thinking clearly at the time

By cdick - 11/03/2009 20:46 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to exchange presents for our birthdays. I spent $100 on perfume and Victoria's Secret clothes. She bought me a bag of lifesavers, then asked me to leave because she wanted to take a nap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78 218

You deserved it 5 441

By :(((( - 27/04/2011 06:54

Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend and told him how smitten I was with him. He responded by giving me a wedgie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 237

You deserved it 7 123

By Zeco - 05/02/2011 22:54 - United States

Today, I was driving to work when I was almost hit by a teenage driver. I gave her the finger and shouted "F*** you!" making sure that she heard me. I then saw my boss glaring at me from the passenger seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 242

You deserved it 42 203

By Anonymous - 10/12/2011 03:41 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend if I've gained weight. He replied, "Why do you think I've been so often on top lately?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 899

You deserved it 8 996

By honeybadger123 - 14/11/2011 01:11 - United States

Today, I bought weed for the first time. The dealer was an undercover cop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 411

You deserved it 86 258

honeybadger123 tells us more.

honeybadger123 0

Monday 14 November 2011 21:52

yea it was purple haze

Our cross to bare

By sierra808 - 31/05/2009 09:43 - United States

Today, I was walking on the beach when I saw my crush walking towards me. I was thinking about what I was going to do while playing with my top that ties in the front. I decided that I was just going to smile. When we got closer to each other, I smiled and waved, and as I put my hand up it untied my top. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 569

You deserved it 17 565

Non sequitur

By lisacasabonita - 12/11/2010 16:31 - United States

Today, while at dinner, I told my boyfriend that I wished he liked sushi. He replied, "I wish you liked anal." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 239

You deserved it 42 528

Performance

By bob - 29/06/2012 08:47 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, I learned that I do not possess the upper body, core, or leg strength to hold my girlfriend up during sex. I simultaneously collapsed and dropped her onto her coffee table. We are now both being treated at the hospital; her for glass wounds, me for a concussion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 373

You deserved it 31 617

By Badaboom - 23/05/2011 10:54 - Netherlands

Today, my 3-year-long dry spell was about to end. A lovely lady over for dinner, good food, wine and lots of laughs. Things heated up nicely in the bedroom when a playful wrestle made my bed shift, snapping two of its legs. The bed collapsed, totally ruining the mood. The dry spell continues. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 905

You deserved it 6 353

By still learning - 26/02/2012 17:42 - Canada

Today, I cut myself while shaving my globes. My girlfriend now refuses to stop teasing me about being "fisted by Edward Scissorhands." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 086

You deserved it 7 974

By Amara1717 - 19/08/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, I was driving my little sister to school. She really didn't wanna go and was throwing a tantrum in the car. When we stopped at a red light, my sister notices a police man giving a ticket to another driver. She rolled down her window and screamed "Help me! I'm being kidnapped by a murderer!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 140

You deserved it 3 511

Poltergeist

By Anonymous - 14/10/2012 17:03 - Estonia

Today, after weeks of coming home to find my furniture all tipped over, thinking the place was haunted, and accepting my boyfriend's offers to come over and "comfort" me, I came home from work early. I found my boyfriend in the kitchen, kicking over all the chairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 811

You deserved it 8 682

By GabyLeann - 29/09/2015 02:01 - United States

Today, while showering, I broke the cap off the shampoo. Not my shampoo, my roommate's. The $60 shampoo I swore I wouldn't touch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 318

You deserved it 34 836

Dad pranks '09

By PISSED - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Germany

Today, I finally got a date with one of the hottest girls in school, a perfect 10. Just before I go to pick her up to go to the movies, I called her to find out where she lives. She answered the phone, only to hear my father yelling in the background, "STOP TALKING TO THAT WHORE." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 681

You deserved it 5 311

By Anonymous - 07/07/2014 01:27 - United States - Sandston

Today, my boyfriend said that he doesn't have to marry me because we coincidentally have the same last name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 776

You deserved it 5 650

By Anonymous - 05/05/2012 21:16 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my husband and I went on vacation. We got lost and had to ask the locals for directions to our hotel. Neither of us could understand their accents, and we ended up wandering around blindly for hours until we made it back on our own. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 824

You deserved it 20 832

By carwife - 21/08/2010 04:13 - Canada

Today, at a family dinner, my new husband compared deciding to marry me to buying a used car. Some of the similarites included looking under the hood and finding out how many previous owners there were. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 665

You deserved it 7 653

By hopelesss88 - 17/06/2010 12:42 - Australia

Today, I had a first date planned. He texted saying he was sick and couldn't make it. Two hours later, his Twitter account said otherwise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 640

You deserved it 4 329

By xXMudkipNoobXx - 13/01/2012 01:20 - United States

Today, my mom was more upset about my 67 on an Algebra test than my sister almost setting the house on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 029

You deserved it 6 165

By Shoofly - 04/03/2011 22:54 - United States

Today, while at Subway, I looked on as an employee killed a fly with his hands. He then continued working without a second thought. He was making my sandwich. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 968

You deserved it 4 258

By jku - 02/01/2012 13:18 - United States

Today, my older brother burst into my bedroom at 4 am to show me photos of sushi. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 800

You deserved it 3 226

jku tells us more.

jku 14

Wednesday 4 January 2012 7:40

Yes. Yes he did. Maybe more ninja-samurai-hybrid style.

By Whipped Cream - 24/11/2012 05:38 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I took a picture of myself wearing a whipped cream bra with cherry nipples, captioned, "I hope you enjoyed your dinner, now how about some dessert???" I meant to send it to my fiancé. I sent it by mistake to my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 362

You deserved it 49 744

Just a prank, bro!

By fail - 16/02/2011 23:16 - United States

Today, at the library, somebody left themselves logged in to Facebook on a public computer after they had left. Trying to teach them a lesson, I updated their Facebook status to something outrageous. That's when they came back to the computer after getting something from the printer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 578

You deserved it 68 132

By ConstructionLady - 13/11/2012 06:49 - United States

Today, I was conducting a meeting regarding safety concerns on my field site. While I made a comment, a client rep yelled out that women don't know construction, and that I should be acting like a proper secretary and should get my boss. I'm the Construction Manager. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 747

You deserved it 2 409

By summinay - 12/11/2011 08:30 - United States

Today, I got married. About five minutes after I got my huge wedding dress on, I had to pee. It took three people to help me not pee on my dress, and my bridesmaids took pictures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 088

You deserved it 10 464

summinay tells us more.

summinay 0

Monday 14 November 2011 1:32

Guys, my dress wasn't elaborately big. It just has many layers. And yeah I've already laughed about it. Haha.

By Anonymous - 05/10/2012 05:49 - United States

Today, while at my job as a hairdresser, I was giving an elderly client a perm and I thought she'd fallen asleep. She'd died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 663

You deserved it 2 382

By Anonymous - 08/09/2013 06:52 - United States - Orlando

Today, my obese mother-in-law took her top off at our pool party, exposing her sagging breasts. When I told her to cover herself, she lifted her breasts, turned them inwards, and squeezed them together while staring me in the eyes. She kept doing this on and off for the next two hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 075

You deserved it 5 259

By Anonymous - 13/11/2010 06:09 - Australia

Today, I realised I haven't had a date in so long that I actually seriously considered meeting someone from online, purely based on the fact he could spell properly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 001

You deserved it 4 291

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The Top

Today, I was playing Charades with my boyfriend's family. When it was his turn, he pointed at me. His mother said "Bitch?" The answer was "relationship". FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 828

You deserved it 4 354

Today, I was forced to hire my boss’s niece. The kid failed out of college twice, but I could have forgiven her if she worked hard to learn, but she's so lazy and dumb, so dumb that if she shook her head I think I’d actually hear her single brain cell rattle like a rock in a box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 528

You deserved it 132

Today, it's been 4 days of recovering from a motorcycle accident. Which happened 5 hours after it was delivered. I went face-first through a garage door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 403

You deserved it 955

Today, Covid started when I was a freshmen in highschool. I'm now halfway through my Junior year and I still haven't experienced any normal high school events or traditions. I'm going to graduate without experiencing anything. Now we have a new variant… again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 406

You deserved it 194

Today, I met the guy I've been talking to online for two years in real life. He tried to convince me to have his children because they would be average height. He's a midget and I'm 6'2". This is the most romantic thing anybody has ever said to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 065

You deserved it 5 936

Today, I told my dad and brother that I want to take Zumba classes. My brother said, "Did you hear that? Pumbaa wants to Zumba!" Then he starting dancing and making pig noises. My dad high-fived him. When my mom heard, she high-fived him too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 033

You deserved it 3 631