Today, I held the door open for a woman and her kids on my way... - FML

By notadoorman - 25/7/2014 18:16 - United States - Elmont

Today, I held the door open for a woman and her kids on my way out of the bank. She started accusing me of patronizing her, and when I just let go of the door in protest, she deliberately leaned in so it hit her in the face. I felt the glares from the entire bank as she pretended to cry. FML

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Goodbye Bill

Business savvy

Don't you know that you're toxic?

By Anonymous - 26/3/2013 14:22 - United States - Audubon

Today, my cat learned the hard way what the bathtub is for. While I was in it. FML

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By transfer - 3/6/2011 21:34 - United States

Today, I asked to change my major at the college I'm transferring to in the fall. Instead of letting me change my major, they withdrew my acceptance. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2016 15:16 - United States - Jasper

Today, I finally finished a gruelling shift at the hospital. I hadn't slept in over 30 hours, so I was happy to get out. I was quickly rushed back in after I collapsed in the parking lot and cracked my head open. FML

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By random - 8/1/2015 05:24 - United States - Arvada

Today, my sister and I got stuck in an airport elevator. We were separated from our friends, missed our flight and had to walk two hours to find our gate. On the bright side, we ended up having a pleasant talk with an Air Marshal on why we were "stalking people". FML

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By anon - 27/3/2013 23:17 - Netherlands - Swalmen

Today, I showed my aunt and mother my tattoo. They both burst out laughing. FML

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By Jeezus - 16/2/2016 03:00 - Canada - Saint Albert

Today, after a week of waiting to hear something about my stolen car, I got a letter in the mail saying it had been impounded the same day I reported it stolen, but they don't share a database with the police so they never called. Now the impound wants $900 plus $120 for the tow to release it. FML

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By fatpooch - 13/5/2010 06:01 - Canada

Today, my mom decided our whole family is going on a diet. Why? Because the vet told us our dog is overweight, and she "didn't want Twix to suffer alone." FML

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By Anonymous - 31/3/2013 04:14 - United States

Today, I learned that my parents are planning to divorce. My dad said, "I'll take Rachel." Rachel isn't even his daughter; I am. Rachel is my mom's daughter with her first husband. FML

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By kashish0711 - 2/8/2009 16:14 - India

Today, I was at home, my mom came and saw me holding what she thought was a glass of beer. She took the glass, threw it and slapped me for drinking it. I was drinking Apple Juice. FML

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By anonymous - 3/1/2017 01:03 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I managed to spill piping hot oil all over my kitchen floor, thinking it was too hot to clean right then and there I left it for a few hours to cool. I forgot about it, and slipped over in it bashing my head into my cupboard handle, FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2015 15:02 - United States

Today, after several months of eating right, exercising, and weight loss, my mother has yet again arrived at my house, unannounced and with a very sugary cake. She's been doing this most weeks since I lost 50 pounds. FML

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By woohoo420 - 4/4/2012 16:14 - United States - Chino Hills

Today, I was so baked out of my mind that I argued with my parakeet over who farted. I could be wrong, but I think I lost the argument. Worse still, my boyfriend had been standing in the doorway long enough to hear everything, even me farting. FML

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By Cantswim - 20/5/2009 15:45 - United States

Today, I had to go take swimming lessons because my mom has a fear I'll drown and I'm totally afraid of swimming anyway and never get anywhere near water. My instructor? A high school classmate of mine. My fellow swimming classmates? 5 and 6 year old kids. FML

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By sounfair90 - 27/5/2009 04:06 - United States

Today, I felt left out that all my friends are getting married or have great relationships and my boyfriend won't commit. I made a facebook up and pretended to talk with this really cute guy I made up. Today, I found out that my boyfriend is gay... he started hitting on my made up facebook guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2009 20:47 - Canada

Today, at 4:00 a.m., I woke up and realized that I had thrown an expensive gift certificate for a friend in the garbage. Since it was garbage day, I ran out in the rain in my pajamas and rifled through all three bags of garbage. Twice. I found the gift certificate. It was in my pocket. FML

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By Chloe - 20/12/2010 18:08 - United Kingdom

Today, it was my first day on a £600 a week job. I was fired for being 10 minutes late. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2020 00:00 - United Kingdom - Stockport

Sexy morning

Today, my sister woke me up panicking saying our kitchen was on fire, and we had to leave. She practically dragged me out of bed and all the way to the front door. When we got outside, she suddenly kneed me in the nuts and went back inside, locking the door behind her. I was only wearing boxers. FML

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By prettysmellingbedroom - 15/2/2012 14:18 - United States

Today, I wanted to freshen up my room, so I bought some Febreze. Standing on my bed, I began to spray, not noticing that the air vent directly across was turned on. The spray came directly back at me. The doctor says that the irritation in my eyes may last for several days. FML

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By iswearicandrive - 17/12/2010 05:14 - United States

Today, I hit my boss's car. It's only my second day on the job. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2014 16:36 - Germany - Ammerndorf

Today, my daughter used her spare key to get into my house while I was at work, then took and pawned off all of my jewelry. She only confessed when I confronted her with video camera footage. Her defense was that I told her I'd leave her everything in my will. Honey, I'm not dead yet. FML

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By stupidteacher - 5/7/2016 15:02 - China - Guiyang

Today, I gave a presentation in class. I felt pretty good about it, until afterwards when I was told I lost points for communication because I'd been chewing gum. I wasn't, I just have a speech impediment. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2012 17:12 - United States - Houston

Today, I came down with food poisoning of some sort. After hours of scrambling to the toilet to vomit and empty my bowels, my three-year-old daughter got fed up and is now trying to potty-train me. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2012 10:38 - United States

Today, my downstairs neighbor died. I knew because the smell wafted up to my apartment. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2013 02:39 - United States - Bakersfield

Today, I was searched and questioned at the airport for having an apple. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2012 05:35 - United States

Today, my family made a fake boyfriend for me on Facebook, since it's been so long since I had one. I accepted the relationship request to try and trick people into thinking I actually had a boyfriend. FML

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By needanewphone - 22/1/2012 22:03 - United States

Today, while I was getting ready to take a shower, I placed my phone on the counter next to the toilet. While I was washing my hair, someone called me. My phone was on vibrate, so I didn't hear it until it vibrated off the counter and into the toilet. FML

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By robbedonCTA - 22/9/2009 06:20 - United States

Today, I felt a tug on my backpack and found my wallet missing. A nice stranger pointed to a guy running down the stairs and said "There goes the guy who took your wallet!" I ran to catch the supposed offender. The 'nice' stranger was the actual offender distracting me as he got away. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/2/2012 16:47 - United States

Today, I found out why you shouldn't drop instant mashed potatoes in a fish tank, especially when you have expensive fish. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2020 08:01

The price is wrong

Today, I have to pay a $20 customs fee on the replacement charging cord for my tablet pen, bringing the total up to $60 I’ve paid for this $4 cord. FML

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By windsoffate - 9/6/2016 16:46 - United States - Portland

Today, as I was getting ready for work, I heard a noise almost like someone was puking all over the bathroom floor. When I went to check, my 14-year-old son was puking all over the bathroom floor. The toilet, however, was pristine. FML

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By broken - 23/9/2016 01:52 - United States - Arcata

Today, the guy I'm seeing told me, "I've always loved you as a person.... but not in any other way." While he was inside me. FML

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By qhu - 23/10/2010 02:15 - United States

Today, I was disciplining one of my students for behavior, and he started to roll his eyes every time I was trying to teach the lesson. So I threatened to write him up. After looking closely at the student, I realized he has a lazy roaming eye. FML

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By sallymay - 8/2/2018 13:00 - United States - Rockland

Today, I found out that my amazing sugar and oil olive body scrub will cause the next person to get in the shower to slip and break an arm. We have no insurance. FML

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By pregz - 27/2/2015 22:23 - United States

Today, my hiccups got so intense that I threw up in the middle of class. FML

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By kitty shah - 17/6/2012 17:01 - United States

Today, I was having a debate with my friend over tattoos. I used the example that you wouldn't put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari. He looked me in the eye and said, "Yeah, but you're no Ferrari. More like a Prius." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2011 17:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by way of making me an account on an online dating site. He then emailed me the account information and left. FML

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By notsomuchinlove - 7/8/2009 08:55 - United States

Today, I had a seizure at my boyfriend's. The second I began to seize, he cursed and picked me up, dropping me on the floor complaining "Now I have to clean the damn couch." I had urinated because I had no control over my body. The couch is still stained. He dumped me for ruining his furniture. FML

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By very punny - 3/9/2014 03:18 - United States - Odenton

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend with a ring from Kay Jewelers. She saw the box, started giggling, whispered, "'Kay", and then started laughing so hard at her joke she had to excuse herself. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2009 02:57 - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. In his front room was a giant parrot. Hoping to impress them, I went over to the bird and began talking to it proving I wasn't scared. Out of nowhere, it's beak clenched onto my nose making it gush blood on the carpet. I was hospitalized. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2012 19:08 - United States - Fountain Valley

Today, I missed my dentist appointment. I couldn't attend, because I was too busy puking my guts up due to a bad reaction to the pain medication I'm taking for my toothache. FML

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Top comments

By Box0choklitz | 8

#6019219 - Saturday 26 July 2014 0:35

She deserved it for being that kind of person.

By BadApple88 | 29

#6019221 - Saturday 26 July 2014 0:37

And women wonder why chivalry is damn near dead smh

COMMENTS

By Ghastly_fml | 15

#6019218 - Saturday 26 July 2014 0:35

Well I hope it wasn't too bad OP! She sounds mean, at least she had to leave at some point!

Reply

mz135 | 12

#6019251 - Saturday 26 July 2014 1:04

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

OysterPearls | 33

#6019260 - Saturday 26 July 2014 1:16

Being stressed doesn't give you the excuse to be an asshole.

Reply

jake_braves | 25

#6019269 - Saturday 26 July 2014 1:24

Ha wow b*tch!

Reply

srgsk9 | 9

#6019299 - Saturday 26 July 2014 2:18

@23, so why would she lean into the door? She thought it might knock her out and it would get her away from her kids? OP was being nice and she turned it into a civil rights crusade. Just say "thank you" regardless of who's holding it. How hard is that?

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6019388 - Saturday 26 July 2014 4:24

This is one reason why chivalry is almost dead. I'm surprised she hasn't tried to sue you with her fraudulent injury. Definitely needs a follow up...

Reply

CinnamonBunny | 16

#6019626 - Saturday 26 July 2014 7:48

Chivalry is bullshit. Holding the door open for someone is just the decent thing to do, regardless of gender, especially if they're towing round a couple of kids. Sorry this fucking bell end didn't appreciate your kindness, OP.

Reply

zbursach | 7

#6019667 - Saturday 26 July 2014 8:24

#65 a follow up for what? "she hasn't tried to sue me yet. I'll follow up again tomorrow". not much to follow up on.

Reply

dabears1011234 | 27

#6019732 - Saturday 26 July 2014 9:45

Its her fault that she is stressed

Reply

Blaphlafagus | 19

#6020056 - Saturday 26 July 2014 21:15

Feminazis

By Box0choklitz | 8

#6019219 - Saturday 26 July 2014 0:35

She deserved it for being that kind of person.

Reply

shudson186 | 17

#6019245 - Saturday 26 July 2014 0:58

If that was my mother I would be so embarrassed. This lady should be ashamed and teach her kids better.

Reply

pizzarollsyum | 13

#6019322 - Saturday 26 July 2014 2:54

Imagine what her poor kids must go through.

Reply

CaptainSmith28 | 19

#6019420 - Saturday 26 July 2014 5:03

Feminists. Smh

Reply

Godsofdracos | 15

#6019510 - Saturday 26 July 2014 5:42

One of the kids should step up and tell the mom to stop acting like child.

Reply

MortenM | 17

#6019681 - Saturday 26 July 2014 8:45

Imagine what the kids will end up like with a mum that'll go that far to get any attention.

Reply

krad204 | 21

#6578345 - Monday 11 April 2016 9:42

That's insulting to children, even they don't act like that.

By BadApple88 | 29

#6019221 - Saturday 26 July 2014 0:37

And women wonder why chivalry is damn near dead smh

By GirlWhoLovesVB | 9

#6019223 - Saturday 26 July 2014 0:38

Sometimes I am ashamed of the human race.

Reply

TheTacoMan | 24

#6019243 - Saturday 26 July 2014 0:56

That includes you, buddy,

Reply

tiernang | 21

#6019275 - Saturday 26 July 2014 1:31

No, I am ape. Caesar says humans good. I no like human.

Reply

TheGreatPotato | 19

#6019344 - Saturday 26 July 2014 3:14

Thank goodness I happen to be a potato.

Reply

titandesu | 14

#6019351 - Saturday 26 July 2014 3:27

and a great one at that

Reply

BrEnNo1023 | 5

#6021873 - Monday 28 July 2014 18:50

Not just 'a', but *THE* great one :D

By fullalove | 23

#6019224 - Saturday 26 July 2014 0:38

Some people are just ass holes

By tygerarmy | 35

#6019225 - Saturday 26 July 2014 0:38

I hope you hit her with the door again in the back on the way out.

Reply

MortenM | 17

#6019682 - Saturday 26 July 2014 8:46

That would be well deserved but a bad example for her kids

Reply

Zomg_Okay | 26

#6019813 - Saturday 26 July 2014 13:39

103 - With her for a mother, those kids are going to be shitstains regardless of what OP does.

By JJ_86 | 22

#6019227 - Saturday 26 July 2014 0:40

She got some insecurity issues.
At least you had the mind to help. Don't let some thickheads make you stop doing that.

Reply

VonBlitzkrieg | 27

#6021709 - Monday 28 July 2014 16:06

Or maybe she's just a feminist.

By abdiG | 27

#6019231 - Saturday 26 July 2014 0:42

Dont you just hate people like her.

By buster113 | 15

#6019232 - Saturday 26 July 2014 0:44

I would have just slammed it on her face and walked away

By Mauskau | 35

#6019234 - Saturday 26 July 2014 0:49

I always hold the door open for people, even if they're far away because it's funny watching them run. This woman is just a whiny bitch.