Miscellaneous: Today, I held the door open for a woman and her kids on my way... - FML

By notadoorman - United States - Elmont

Today, I held the door open for a woman and her kids on my way out of the bank. She started accusing me of patronizing her, and when I just let go of the door in protest, she deliberately leaned in so it hit her in the face. I felt the glares from the entire bank as she pretended to cry. FML

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Understandable

Broken bum

Gentle

By ShamedJP - United States

Today, I saw a very attractive female police officer while at the DMV. Thinking myself suave, I asked her: "Is it sexual harassment if I tell you how beautiful I think you are, and ask for your phone number?" Apparently it was. FML

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By eeh - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. I really get off on hearing her say my name so I was imagining her doing so more often than she actually was. I then called out my own name by accident. FML

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By Traumatized - Israel

Today, my coworker returned the camera I lent her. After plugging the camera into my PC, I saw a file was still on it. Wanting to make sure I didn't delete something important, I opened it. To my horror, it was a video of my coworker pleasuring herself. She's old enough to be my mother. FML

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By foreversingle - Netherlands - Helmond

Today, I bought some makeup supplies at the supermarket. The cashier snorted and muttered, "Not enough in the world for you." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that my dog, who's 11, eats his own shit, and chews bones like crazy still has 10 times nicer teeth than I do. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my sister brought her class hamster home from school. Somehow it escaped from its cage, and ran into my room. My boyfriend, thinking it was a mouse, stomped on it. I'm stuck cleaning hamster guts from my carpet, and explaining to a kindergarten class what happened to their pet. FML

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By jj - Australia - Windermere Park

Today, I was sick and had soccer trials on the same day. At the soccer trials, the coach called me over and told me I was doing really good and to keep it up. I said thanks and vomited on him. FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, my sister told me that she read that the pain of giving birth is equal to the pain of breaking 20 bones at once. I'm 19 weeks pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my mother-in-law told me to "just wait" until she gets home from her trip, because apparently, taking a vacation with her partner is more important than the birth of her first grandchild. Contractions started a few hours ago. Part of me hopes she misses it. FML

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By ShakeRattleHiss - Canada

Today, it's been 5 years I've been working for a man that won't admit he has Tourette's. He sits at his desk, twitching his head and hissing like a snake. He's also randomly said things like 'nipples', 'Jessica Simpson', 'potato peeler', etc. I feel like it's become my job to warn new employees. FML

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By charlie - United States

Today, my mom asked if I wanted to come to dinner with my parents and my grandparents who are in from London. When we got to the restaurant, there was a wait. My mom made me walk home because they could get a table quicker for a group of four than a group of five. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a call from a girl I know, asking if i could babysit her little brother at my house tonight. I said yes. When the boy came over he mentioned that his sister was having a party and didn't want him there. Turns out all my friends were invited except me. FML

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By forkmylife - United States

Today, my school is having a mandatory class on etiquette. We've just now progressed onto forks after a long, tedious discussion on spoons. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm being evicted from my apartment for not paying rent. My father is the on-site landlord. Meaning I now have to move my stuff downstairs into his place and hear every day how I'm a failure. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Charlottetown

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend and sister fooling around in the shower together. Supposedly, she was sleepwalking, and he was trying to wake her up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after being told by her therapist to try to make her kids a bigger part of her life because we're so distant from her, my mom's new favorite thing to do is to constantly use the words "YOLO" and "swag" around us. FML

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By Merlin - United States - Fairfield

Today, I got a one-inch fish bone stuck in my throat. I went to the doctor, who claimed he couldn't see the long white thing embedded next to my tonsil. He charged me $70, and told me to eat some bread. I had to pull it out myself with a pair of tweezers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Salem

Today, my crazy neighbor screamed at me from her porch for walking "too close" to her plants. I was on the sidewalk. She sprayed me with her hose anyway. FML

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By tammylauraine - United States

Today, after handing out several résumés for several jobs, I realized that I forgot to add my phone number to them. FML

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By musicalkitcat - United States

Today, one of my best friends went into labor 14 days early. I'd told my boss previously about this and that I need to be there for my friend as she doesn't really have any family. My boss will not let me leave work to be there. Why? I didn't give enough notice. FML

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By Ahook1 - Australia

Today, I discovered that my infertile girlfriend, who I have been having unprotected sex with for the past two months, is apparently very fertile. FML

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By Scarred - United States - Marquette

Today, while at work, I found a dead dog in a freezer. Turns out it's been in there for over 3 years. FML

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By charitableidiot - United States - Portland

Today, I went to a fancy charity dinner. I'm a schmoozer, so I decided to introduce myself to someone important. I asked enthusiastically, "So, how are you involved with all of this madness?" He frowned at me. I then remembered that this particular charity assists people with mental issues. FML

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By xXWhiteSheepXx - United States - Omaha

Today, my cat likes to share my pillow at night. I guess she was extra comfortable last night, because she didn't bother getting off it to hack up a hairball. I woke up because I rolled my face onto it. FML

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By blegh - United Kingdom

Today, my 18-year-old son asked me if I was a virgin. I still don't know what to say to him. FML

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By LoveYouTooMa - United States

Today, I wasn't feeling too well and consequently threw up. In an effort to get some sympathy, I told my mom about what happened. Rather than trying to make me feel better, she yelled at me because I threw up in the bathroom sink "when the damn toilet is two feet away." Thanks mom. FML

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By GettingACat

Today, I found a mouse nest. In my glovebox. Made out of the $450 in rent money I was going to give my roommate that I had stored in there earlier for safe keeping. FML

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By kprince - United States - Northridge

Today, I was singing horribly in the shower. Without me knowing, my sister recorded my singing and set it as my ringtone. My phone rang in class and everyone heard it. My new nickname is American Idol. FML

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By cactii - United States

Today, I accidentally crashed my mom's car into my dad's car. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2020 08:00

All out in the open

Today, my 18-year-old boyfriend took some extremely strong painkillers that unfortunately gave him a giddy sense of euphoria. He then stripped naked in his parents' lounge room and yelled, "You've all seen it before!" His really religious parents didn't know this. FML

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By izzy46111 - United States - Scottsdale

Today, I saw a long black hair coming out of the drain. Thinking it was my sister's, I called her in and pulled it out for her to see, only to realize I was actually pulling out a long brown roach by the antenna. FML

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By S3XY_SiNG3R

Confinement, episode 3774

Today, I woke up to use the restroom, because I had to take a shit. There was basically no toilet paper left. I asked my boyfriend if he could go get some. It was 1 a.m. He said he’d go when the stores were open, then told me to just rinse off in the shower. FML

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By Peach - United States

Today, I found one of my roommate's giant yellow toenail clippings on the counter next to the kitchen sink. When I confronted him about it, he told me the cat must have carried it out of his bedroom and put it there. FML

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By grizzlybear - Mexico

Today, my boyfriend told me that if I had a penis, our relationship would be better. FML

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By regrub - United States

Today, ignoring the unspoken rule of not entering the bus when the driver's not inside, I went in while he was taking a break. As I stepped inside, he reached in the window and pressed the "close-door" button. It closed on my hand. Everyone at the bus stop laughed as I yelped in pain. FML

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By Ghostie - United States

Today, I was watching a movie with my parents. They were both on the bed, and I was lying on the floor next to their bed. Halfway through the movie, apparently forgetting that I was in the room, my parents started getting friendly. Three feet away from me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lake Stevens

Today, my father took revenge on me for bankrupting him in a game of Monopoly. His revenge consisted of having a truckload of sand dumped in my driveway while I was at work. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided I would tell my mom I'm not going to marry my fiancé because it just didn't feel right, only to walk into my own surprise engagement party. FML

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By aherdofpigs - United States

Today, I'm trapped in my apartment. My new cat won't let me leave. Every time I try, he blocks the door, hisses and tries to savage me. I'm my own cat's bitch. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2020 20:02

Wrap it

Today, my boyfriend, who I have been seeing for a year, decided to tell me that he has herpes and has not taken any precautions to stop it from passing on. We have had unprotected sex quite a lot over the last year, so now I most likely have herpes too. FML

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Top comments

By Box0choklitz | 8

#6019219 - Saturday 26 July 2014 0:35

She deserved it for being that kind of person.

By BadApple88 | 29

#6019221 - Saturday 26 July 2014 0:37

And women wonder why chivalry is damn near dead smh

COMMENTS

By Ghastly_fml | 15

#6019218 - Saturday 26 July 2014 0:35

Well I hope it wasn't too bad OP! She sounds mean, at least she had to leave at some point!

Reply

mz135 | 12

#6019251 - Saturday 26 July 2014 1:04

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

OysterPearls | 33

#6019260 - Saturday 26 July 2014 1:16

Being stressed doesn't give you the excuse to be an asshole.

Reply

jake_braves | 25

#6019269 - Saturday 26 July 2014 1:24

Ha wow b*tch!

Reply

srgsk9 | 9

#6019299 - Saturday 26 July 2014 2:18

@23, so why would she lean into the door? She thought it might knock her out and it would get her away from her kids? OP was being nice and she turned it into a civil rights crusade. Just say "thank you" regardless of who's holding it. How hard is that?

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6019388 - Saturday 26 July 2014 4:24

This is one reason why chivalry is almost dead. I'm surprised she hasn't tried to sue you with her fraudulent injury. Definitely needs a follow up...

Reply

CinnamonBunny | 16

#6019626 - Saturday 26 July 2014 7:48

Chivalry is bullshit. Holding the door open for someone is just the decent thing to do, regardless of gender, especially if they're towing round a couple of kids. Sorry this fucking bell end didn't appreciate your kindness, OP.

Reply

zbursach | 7

#6019667 - Saturday 26 July 2014 8:24

#65 a follow up for what? "she hasn't tried to sue me yet. I'll follow up again tomorrow". not much to follow up on.

Reply

dabears1011234 | 27

#6019732 - Saturday 26 July 2014 9:45

Its her fault that she is stressed

Reply

Blaphlafagus | 19

#6020056 - Saturday 26 July 2014 21:15

Feminazis

By Box0choklitz | 8

#6019219 - Saturday 26 July 2014 0:35

She deserved it for being that kind of person.

Reply

shudson186 | 17

#6019245 - Saturday 26 July 2014 0:58

If that was my mother I would be so embarrassed. This lady should be ashamed and teach her kids better.

Reply

pizzarollsyum | 13

#6019322 - Saturday 26 July 2014 2:54

Imagine what her poor kids must go through.

Reply

CaptainSmith28 | 19

#6019420 - Saturday 26 July 2014 5:03

Feminists. Smh

Reply

Godsofdracos | 15

#6019510 - Saturday 26 July 2014 5:42

One of the kids should step up and tell the mom to stop acting like child.

Reply

MortenM | 17

#6019681 - Saturday 26 July 2014 8:45

Imagine what the kids will end up like with a mum that'll go that far to get any attention.

Reply

krad204 | 21

#6578345 - Monday 11 April 2016 9:42

That's insulting to children, even they don't act like that.

By BadApple88 | 29

#6019221 - Saturday 26 July 2014 0:37

And women wonder why chivalry is damn near dead smh

By GirlWhoLovesVB | 9

#6019223 - Saturday 26 July 2014 0:38

Sometimes I am ashamed of the human race.

Reply

TheTacoMan | 24

#6019243 - Saturday 26 July 2014 0:56

That includes you, buddy,

Reply

tiernang | 21

#6019275 - Saturday 26 July 2014 1:31

No, I am ape. Caesar says humans good. I no like human.

Reply

TheGreatPotato | 19

#6019344 - Saturday 26 July 2014 3:14

Thank goodness I happen to be a potato.

Reply

titandesu | 14

#6019351 - Saturday 26 July 2014 3:27

and a great one at that

Reply

BrEnNo1023 | 5

#6021873 - Monday 28 July 2014 18:50

Not just 'a', but *THE* great one :D

By fullalove | 23

#6019224 - Saturday 26 July 2014 0:38

Some people are just ass holes

By tygerarmy | 35

#6019225 - Saturday 26 July 2014 0:38

I hope you hit her with the door again in the back on the way out.

Reply

MortenM | 17

#6019682 - Saturday 26 July 2014 8:46

That would be well deserved but a bad example for her kids

Reply

Zomg_Okay | 26

#6019813 - Saturday 26 July 2014 13:39

103 - With her for a mother, those kids are going to be shitstains regardless of what OP does.

By JJ_86 | 22

#6019227 - Saturday 26 July 2014 0:40

She got some insecurity issues.
At least you had the mind to help. Don't let some thickheads make you stop doing that.

Reply

VonBlitzkrieg | 27

#6021709 - Monday 28 July 2014 16:06

Or maybe she's just a feminist.

By abdiG | 27

#6019231 - Saturday 26 July 2014 0:42

Dont you just hate people like her.

By buster113 | 15

#6019232 - Saturday 26 July 2014 0:44

I would have just slammed it on her face and walked away

By Mauskau | 35

#6019234 - Saturday 26 July 2014 0:49

I always hold the door open for people, even if they're far away because it's funny watching them run. This woman is just a whiny bitch.