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June 2013

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Today, I'm left with two non-refundable tickets to Jamaica, because my now ex-boyfriend said his Quidditch tournament is more important than seeing my "fat ass in a bikini". FML

by afraid of flying too / 06/24/2013 at 7:24pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Love

Today, my girlfriend told me that she feels pregnant. I didn't believe her, given how recently we had sex for the first time, so I told her to take a test to make sure. She's very sure now. FML

by Anonymous / 06/22/2013 at 3:31am / United States (Oklahoma) / Miscellaneous

Today, my parents took my iPad back to the store and exchanged it for two cheap knock off tablets. Reason being my little brother threatened to run away because I had one and he didn't. I bought the iPad on my own after graduation. They kept the difference in price. FML

by evilmuffinlord / 06/18/2013 at 2:34am / United States (Texas) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my fiancée told me that she wants us to have an open marriage. She reasons that since she doesn't equate sex with love, there's no logical reason for me to be against her having sex with other people. FML

by ApparentlyNotEno / 06/05/2013 at 4:40pm / United States (West Virginia) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, it's been weeks since some asshat started placing gnomes in my front and back yards. I resorted to setting up cameras, which I thought had deterred the idiot, until I walked into my kitchen this morning and found two gnomes on the counter. Nothing on the tapes. I'm freaking out here. FML

by ilivealoneandwhatthefuck / 06/23/2013 at 1:02pm / Guam / Miscellaneous

Today, my husband finally returned from his 18-month deployment. Sexually starved, we wasted no time getting busy. Later as we finally cooled off, I got a message from my Aunt. She was hiding in our closet the whole time to surprise us with cake for his safe return. FML

by jgtrflynn / 06/24/2013 at 12:37am / United States (Oklahoma) / Intimacy

Today, I ordered some burgers at a fast food joint. When I said, "No lettuce," the cashier looked dumbfounded and asked, "What's that?" I literally had to say, "The green stuff" before she got it. I'm losing hope. FML

by thatisfuckedup / 06/13/2013 at 6:12pm / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, I left my dog in the car while I quickly ran into a store. I came out to a woman smashing at my window, screaming that it was too hot in the car for the dog and saying I was being inhumane. The car was still running and the air conditioning was on. FML

by Anonymous / 06/12/2013 at 12:47pm / United States (New Jersey) / Animals

Today, it was the second anniversary of the day I met my girlfriend. I had to go to work, but I set an engagement ring and a letter on my pillow for when she woke up, and left breakfast for her on the counter. When I got home, she and all of her things were gone. FML

by foreveralone / 06/23/2013 at 10:42am / United States / Love

Today, my boyfriend and I had a threesome. He suggested we have another guy. It ended up devolving into a twosome, and I wasn't part of it. FML

by Anonymous / 06/22/2013 at 2:39am / Canada (Alberta) / Intimacy

Today, my estranged father, who is a cop, decided to show up to my 17th birthday party. He immediately began arresting people for underage drinking. Way to mend fences, dad. FML

by fuckyouverymuch / 06/13/2013 at 6:16am / Australia (Queensland) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend kicked me out for bringing up the idea of her maybe giving me a blowjob someday. According to her, it's "demeaning" and "sick". She doesn't seem to have a problem always making me go down on her for ages as a condition for having sex with me, though. FML

by patriarchal apparently / 06/29/2013 at 3:58pm / Saint Lucia / Intimacy

Today, my parents blew my entire college fund in their quest to finish building their replica Hobbit house in our back yard. FML

by future burger flipper / 06/03/2013 at 3:22pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Money