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February 2014

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Today, I was having some kinky sex with my girlfriend. When I said "You've been a bad girl", she looked at me wide-eyed and asked very seriously, "What did I do?" FML

by awkward / 02/22/2014 at 12:39am / United States / Intimacy

Today, I woke up with a strange and itchy feeling in my anus. When I told my boyfriend about it, he started laughing. I still don't know what he did. FML

by dontgothere / 02/22/2014 at 11:40pm / United States (New Jersey) / Intimacy

Today, I opened up a snapchat from my best friend. I received a full and detailed view of her and her boyfriend having sex. All I wanted to know was how her Valentine's Day dinner went. FML

by waymoreiwanted / 02/14/2014 at 10:21pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Intimacy

Today, I was grading work my students had done with a sub. I realized one student had gotten hold of the teachers' edition of the textbook when I read ten papers in a row that had "Student answers may vary" as the answer to problem number four. My students can't even cheat properly. FML

by chinaski7628 / 02/15/2014 at 2:11am / United States (California) / Work

Today, the guy I was sexting asked me to stop including my face in the pictures. FML

by khfhjfsb / 02/04/2014 at 7:41pm / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. My hand-eye coordination went straight to hell and I managed to accidentally smack my nose into his penis. He told all his friends about it, and I'm apparently now known as Woodpecker. FML

by Anonymous / 02/08/2014 at 1:49pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, a woman pushed a stroller in front of my car. Thinking I'd hit someone, I jumped out. Turns out it was a doll. The "woman" was a 14-year-old girl, claiming, "I did it for the Vine!" FML

by Parusu / 02/12/2014 at 7:52pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I talked to my husband about his lack of interest in sex. Apparently his definition is polar to mine; his is along the lines of cuddling. Not only did I wait until marriage to have sex with this man, apparently he prefers a permanent roommate without benefits. FML

by OverIt / 02/25/2014 at 5:24pm / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, I arrived at the airport only to find my suitcase was lost and my 3 weeks worth of clothes and supplies gone. All I had left was my wallet and carry ons. Upon leaving the airport I was mugged. FML

by seriously though / 02/22/2014 at 12:48am / United States (Colorado) / Transportation

Today, frustrated that my boyfriend never gives me any orgasms when we make love, I tried politely hinting that he needs to improve. To start with, I said maybe he should be more spontaneous in bed. He replied, "What, like putting it in your ass? Gotcha." Great. FML

by Anonymous / 02/28/2014 at 4:10pm / Canada (Manitoba) / Intimacy

Today, I told my professor that I'll be missing class next week due to upcoming surgery. I asked if I could take the exam that I'd otherwise miss another day. He said no, and that I'd just have to take a failing grade, then wished me luck with the surgery. FML

by ... / 02/07/2014 at 3:30pm / United States (Illinois) / Health

Today, my brother came to my first standup comedy act. He'd apparently read my material beforehand, and kept finishing my jokes for me. FML

by DeeDee / 02/04/2014 at 5:08pm / Austria (Wien) / Miscellaneous

Today, I walked into my apartment and smelled something extremely repugnant. I asked my roommate what had happened and she said, "I didn't know how else to kill it!" She'd trapped a bat that was in our apartment, put it in the oven, and set it to 400 degrees. FML

by BakedBat / 02/20/2014 at 11:10pm / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous