Today, my older brother said that if he beat me in a game of NBA 2k17, he would get to keep my PS4. I beat him so badly that he got angry and destroyed my PlayStation. FML
Today, even after explaining to my boyfriend that I was self conscious about my breasts because they're slightly misshaped, he still persisted with begging me for a tit pic, saying he would still see me as beautiful. I gave in and sent one. He responded with "LOL WHAT ARE THOOOOOOSSSEE." FML
YourAverageFckUp tells us more.
OP here. First, thanks for all the support and funny comments :) no, my face wasn't in the picture. He said he did it to lighten the mood. He apologised and then surprised me by showing up at my place with flowers and chocolate to make up for it. Happy ending after all!
Today, I'm on vacation in Japan with my brother. When he said he could speak Japanese, I guess what he really meant that he's a dumbass weeaboo who only knows the words "kawaii", "baka", "sugoi" and a few others. He ended up offending two locals so much that they beat the shit out of us. FML
Today, I realized how sex-deprived I am when the thought of owning condoms gave me a rock-solid erection. FML
Today, while working roadside assistance, I arrived to a bewildered client who couldn't find their spare tire. The vehicle in question was a Jeep. I pointed out the spare, but was corrected as "that's just for decoration." FML
Today, my boss thought it was funny to fire me by putting on dark sunglasses and saying "You have been terminated" in a bad Arnold Schwarzenegger voice. FML
Today, my hate for my mother-in-law now outweighs my love for my husband. FML
Today, I was so tired at the pet store I was working at that I accidentally offered a kid a dog treat instead of their dog. He ate it. While his mom watched. FML
Today, I was sitting on the couch when my cat decided that the top of my head was the perfect height to use as a springboard to get up to the cat climbing tree. She had her claws out for traction. FML
AkaiKitsune tells us more.
AkaiKitsune 32
They're not really my cats, I inherited them from my mother who spoiled them rotten. I'm more of a dog person. Well, I've got three big dogs so that's kinda obvious
Today, I was laying on the couch, reading, when I noticed a spindly leg poking round the corner of my book. Upon realising it was a spider, I calmly and rationally threw my book across the room, breaking the TV. FML
Today, while working at Subway, I was called a "terrorist" and other names by a customer 'behind my back'. I made him the best sandwich I'd ever made, in order to leave a good impression. Then I had to say the wonderful words, "Your total is $9.11." FML
Today, after a night of heavy drinking, I woke up at 2am to find my desk on fire. Thinking I'd forgotten a lit candle, I threw water to extinguish the flames. It turns out it was the reflection of the streetlight through the window. My laptop is ruined. FML
Today, my wife said she was going to her friend's place to help her with couponing. She started getting ready at 5pm; shaved her legs, did her hair, put on skin-tight leggings and a low-cut top. Left at 6pm, snuck back in at 2:50am. Shit, couponing must be really exciting. FML
Today, my mom gave me a severe scolding because I refuse to support my 3 sisters, and support 3 "home-wreckers" instead. They are my daughters, who are 3, 5, and 7 years old. My sisters are 25, 28, and 31 years old, and won't get jobs because they are "too important". FML
Today, I came home to an empty house. I found a note from my wife telling me she was bisexual and found love in a woman. I FaceTimed my sister to tell her about it, and who do I see with her? My wife. FML
Today, my 4 year-old daughter got royally annoyed at my uncle who won't stop surprise tickling her by poking her waist. When he went for another, she punched him square on the nose, making him a laughing stock. Not accepting that he got owned, he started preaching about child discipline to me. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me for sneezing too many times during Game of Thrones. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's parents and everything was going perfectly. He and I even had some time alone upstairs, where I gave him a blowjob. After dinner, his mom helpfully pointed out something stuck in my braces and inspected it for me. It was a pube. FML
Today, for reasons that I dare not ask, I received a topless selfie from my Nan followed quickly by a simple sorry text. Sorry is not going to pay for the years of therapy I need. FML
Today, I found out that while my mother-in-law claimed to be babysitting my son, she was actually dropping him off at an unlicensed “day care” in a shady part of town so she could go out. How did I find out? The house was raided by police. FML
Today, I realized my sleepwalking habit has reached new heights. How? I woke up in the bathroom. On a plane headed to California. FML
Today, my mom asked why my three-year-old son is named Trevor. After I told her it was from my favorite game, GTA V, she hit me over the head with a shoe. FML
Today, I attended my girlfriend's mother's wake. When I walked up the three-step platform the casket was on, I tripped, fell over the edge of the casket, and head-butted her mother's corpse. The adhesive holding one of her eyes came undone. FML
Today, I learned the hard way that my boyfriend lied about getting a vasectomy before we met, in spite of knowing how phobic I am of pregnancy and kids. His defense? "I figured you'd change your mind someday, because all you chicks love babies." FML
nocongratsneeded tells us more.
Hi all, this is the OP. Obviously, he's my ex, even though he doesn't seem to realize it yet to judge by the texts and phone calls. To give a little more background, we'd been together for almost three years. We were talking about moving in together (but not getting married, I've seen too many of my friends get divorced already). To really prove that the universe hates me, he and I were still using condoms, because I am that freaked out about pregnancy and I can't take hormonal BC. This is the first time ever I've had one break. I'm sure I'm going to catch a lot of flak for this, but I have scheduled an abortion for the end of this week. It's not a human or a potential one to me, it's just a burden and reminder that former relationship was based on a big fat lie. Plus, being pregnant makes me even more anxious than the thought of being pregnant ever did, and I was full-on tokophobic before. Every time I think about having my body being overtaken by some disgusting little alien creature, my heart starts pounding and I get dizzy. I don't know how many times I've thrown up on cue just thinking about it, and it's not from morning sickness. I also really, really, really dislike babies, contrary to my ex's assumptions. I had one shoved at me when I was a teenager, and I nearly dropped it because everything about it terrified me. I don't think it's a good idea to just hope that those maternal hormones kick in and make me suddenly like kids when I haven't since as long as I can remember. So...no congratulations needed, and no pro-life or pro-adoption rants, either. If you'd find it in your heart to suck it up and make the best of this situation, good for you. The best situation for me is to put everything about this horrible experience behind me as soon as possible.
Today, I walked in on my husband drinking the breast milk I had bottled for our child. His defense was that it's easy to confuse the container for the normal milk with the one for the breast milk. Can someone please explain to me how a person can confuse a milk carton with a baby bottle? FML
Today, I woke up to my balls being sucked on. Unfortunately, it was by a mosquito. I hate the summer. FML
Today, I held in an explosive fart during a co-worker's rant and waited a few seconds after he left the room to release the Kraken. Forgetting something, he returned mid-fart. Before either of us could say anything, our boss came into the room. FML
Today, I was at a wedding reception. I had to repeatedly shout and wave like an idiot to the waiter for my order because he ignored me several times and kept forgetting about me. I was the bride. FML
Nyusziful tells us more.
Nyusziful 26
It was actually a small family event with only 20 guests, so he really didn't have to look after a huge crowd. And I was the only one in a big white dress :)
Today, I finally came out to my dad, who is a priest, as gay. He responded by splashing me with holy water to "banish the demon within" me. FML
Today, my boyfriend got a raging boner while looking around at a gun store. He hasn't had any sexual interest in me in months. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
